Original subtitles

[**]

[GUNSHOTS]

[YELLS]

[GROANS]

[**]

Rather disheartening, isn't it, Mister President?

All those taxpayer dollars poured into hardware,

and look where it gets you.

You might as well have been feeding the hungry.

Yours will be my fourth conquered world.

Don't count on it, Suitor.

But I already have.

Some wine?

I do wish you'd face facts and tell your people to surrender.

No!

I will not ask my people to give up everything they know

to serve a sadistic, egotistical, homicidal maniac!

I don't think of myself as egotistical.

Proud maybe, but...

[ALARM SOUNDS]

MAN [OVER INTERCOM]: General Suitor, General Suitor.

Intruder, level five!

Ramsey!

[GUNSHOTS]

[MEN SHOUTING, GRUNTING]

[**]

[YELLS]

[**]

Goin' up?

Let me give you a hand.

Goin' down?

[YELL]

[EXPLOSION]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

Really Shep, from you I had expected something much better.

[PANTS, GROWLS]

[GROANS]

[GROWLS]

SUITOR: Stop!

He's mine.

SUITOR: It's been nice knowing you, Shep.

There'll be others.

Goody, goody.

[YELLS]

[GROWLING, SPUTTERING]

Hashina, run!

[GROWLS AND SLOBBERS] SHEP: Run!

SUITOR: Negotiations have ended!

Bye, now.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

MAN [OVER INTERCOM]: Intruder on level two.

[**]

[BEEPING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Come on! Level out. Stabilize.

Stick with me! Come on.

Come on.

Yes.

Yeah.

SHEP: Atta boy.

[**]

Excellent work, Ramsey.

The Chyutt system can now live

without threat of annihilation by General Suitor.

Millions are in your debt.

Great.

So what's next?

Well, actually, with the evil general out of the way,

things are pretty quiet out there.

You gotta have something on your books.

Maybe a terrorist extermination?

No.

Galactic narc duty? Uh-uh.

Okay, how about a big bug hunt with creatures that bleed acid?

Eh, listen, Shep. Um.

I don't know how to say this, but, lately, well,

you haven't been quite the old Ramsey.

For instance, the old Ramsey

would never have let President Hashina get killed.

Now wait a minute! Th-that's all right.

That's fine. I'm, I'm not blaming you.

Not your fault.

Simply that you've been working too hard.

And anyone in your position would be a little stressed out.

I'm not stressed out!

ZANUCK: Shep. Shep, what have you done?

Uh, nothing. Oh, yes, you have.

ZANUCK: You have blown your power console.

Now this is what you'll do.

You'll land, lay low, find a power source,

use your transformer and recharge

no higher than .01 percent.

Anything more than that would be traceable.

Point-oh-one percent?

It'll take me six weeks to recharge.

What am I gonna do for six weeks?

Why don't you try...relaxing?

Disappear, Shep.

Blend in.

Get to know the locals.

But I just-- Consider it an order, Ramsey.

[**]

Six weeks.

What am I gonna do for six weeks?

SHEP: Huh. Oh, no.

Earthlings.

I hate Earthlings.

[J-ROCK & HULK HOGAN'S "IT'S A NICE PLACE TO LIVE

BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO VISIT" PLAYING]

* If the man in the moon Looked out on this place *

* Yeah this balless thing We say face to face *

* Look here It's my crib my friend *

* Pretend you don't care *

* But you'd rather be here Than there *

* Here you shop till you drop *

[KNOCK ON DOOR] GIRL: Dad?

Come on in, honey.

Mom says to tell you to go to work.

Geez, Dad, get a grip.

Tell your mom I'll be right in.

Okay.

* It's a nice place to live *

* But I wouldn't Want to visit *

* Such a nice place to live *

* Nah *

* It's a nice place to live *

* But I wouldn't Want to visit *

* Such a nice place to live * * Na na na *

* Get ready to party *

* That's what I'm saying Get up, get your body swaying *

* Madonna, lambada *

So dogs If you wanna be there *

* Yo, it ain't what you are It's what you wear *

Oh, Charlie, good, we got to talk.

How are we gonna pay all these bills?

Charlie!

I am serious.

You've got to ask for that raise.

Oh, now honey, it's just not that simple.

If I ask for it and I don't get it,

where does that leave us?

If I march in there and demand it,

I might find myself without a job.

Oh, honey, you always play it so safe.

I mean, once in a while

you just got to get up enough confidence and take a chance.

That's not fair.

I play it safe for you and the kids.

If it wasn't for that...

I can be daring when I want to be.

So can I.

Charlie, say it.

I will ask for a raise today, honey.

Thanks, honey.

* Such a nice place to live * * Na na na *

CHARLIE: I'm here to ask for a raise!

I'm tired of busting my butt for this company,

only to be passed over when promotions are being handed out!

I deserve to be recognized.

WOMAN: Sounds good to me, Wilcox.

Now all you have to do is have the cojones

to say it to your boss instead of his secretary.

[CHUCKLING] Charlie, hey.

How are you? I'm doing fine, sir.

And how's that lovely wife, Julie?

Jenny.

You're right.

And two great kids. Mark, nine. Theresa, twelve.

Yeah, they're just--

Eh-eh-eh-eh.

Still allergic to tuna?

Oh, yes, I suppose I am. I know.

Come on, who knows you better than I do?

You're thinking to yourself,

"How does he care so much?

How does he care to check?"

I'll tell you how. People, Charlie.

People caring about people. People giving to other people.

That's the way I choose to live.

Not being a taker.

What are those, the blueprints?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Charlie, yes.

Yes.

Ha!

These are adequate.

Adequate? Yes.

I spent the entire weekend on them.

Really? I went sailing.

I solved all the design problems.

Uh-huh.

I recalculated the specs. Yes.

I reinforced the foundations. Yes, I see that.

I even added a French arch.

Makes the entrance pop out dynamically.

Yes, yes, it does.

Did I tell you I spent the entire weekend on this?

Did I tell you I spent the entire weekend

with an incredible blonde?

What I'm trying to say--

I know what you're trying to say.

Come on, Charlie. You had a stink-o weekend.

That's because you're different

from those other draftsmen out there.

You know the type. Hogging the limelight, sucking the money,

never giving, always taking. Charlie, Charlie, look at me.

Be with me now. Come on now. Come on, boy.

You know you're different. And lucky, too.

You know why. Come on, you know why.

Sweating the details, making the deadline. Come on.

Living the dream, Charlie, that's what counts.

You realize I envy you.

Here's the thing.

I have to give myself a little credit

for discovering your talent,

which is why I'd like to show you

something a little special right now.

Beautiful, aren't they?

Not a single internal blemish in any of them.

Do you know why? I'll tell you why.

Pure Cymian crystal.

These awards are my proudest possessions.

I really believe, someday between your talent,

maybe a little help from me,

you're gonna find your own name on one of those. Believe me,

that'll be worth more than all the money in China.

Tea.

What?

Tea in China.

You're a detail man, Charlie. That's why I like you.

And, by the way, that's why my door is always open to you.

'Course, I suppose that we've both got our work to do.

So if there's nothing else right now...

No, sir.

Splendid.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, look who's here. Welcome.

Konichiwa. Konichiwa.

Just trying to rival that celebrated Japanese sense

of employee relations you people are born with, or so it seems.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Uh, Mister Zukaki says he's very impressed

with your knowledge of his culture.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Details, gentlemen. Details.

That's why you're going to like my redesign of your plans.

Worked all weekend on them. Even added a French arch.

Seems to make the entrance just pop out, don't you think?

Strike out?

I didn't even get up to bat.

[ENGINE ROARING]

[CLANKING]

[CLICK]

[KC & THE SUNSHINE BAND'S "DO YOU WANNA GO PARTY?"

PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

* Ooh, ah *

* Whoo *

* Do you wanna go party *

* We'll get funky there Party *

* Drink a little wine Party *

Earthlings.

* Have a funky time-- * [MUSIC STOPS]

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

Now where did I put that transformer?

[**]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

MAN: Come on, move it! Move it!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[HORNS HONKING]

WOMAN: Let's go!

CHARLIE: Damn it!

MAN: Move that heap!

[ROBERT JASON'S "ALMOST LIKE PARADISE" PLAYING]

* Blue sky Plenty of sunshine *

* Take a stroll Down by the bay *

* Where else Could there ever be *

* Such a sensational hideaway *

What do you think you are doing?

Huh? What are you doing here?

What are you, huh?

You're unbelievable!

* Hey now, hey now Like heaven on earth *

Check him out! [LAUGHING]

* It's almost like paradise * Wow.

Did you see that guy? Uh-huh.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

* Take this beautiful morning *

* All the natives They laugh and play *

Give me back my money!

Excuse me.

Oh!

There.

Oh, great! Thank you.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

* Now's the time for a little Vacation to clear the mind *

All right!

Guess you don't shop off the rack, do you, huh, buddy?

* Simple but oh, so nice *

* It's almost like paradise *

[BARKING]

MAN: Shut up, Ralph!

Stupid dog.

[**]

Yeah, what?

* Hey now, hey now *

* Now's the time for a little Vacation to clear the mind *

* Hey now, hey now *

MAN: Ralph! Ralph!

Hey, Ralph!

Ralph!

Ralphie! Ah!

* Hey now, hey now *

* Now's the time for a little Vacation to clear the mind *

* Hey now, hey now *

* Like heaven on earth *

* Simple but oh, so nice * * So nice *

* Almost like paradise *

* So nice *

* Almost like paradise *

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[YELLS] Do you mind?

It's your pain in the butt neighbor again.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, park across the street.

[MEN CHUCKLE]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[RANK AND FILE'S "BLACK BOOK" PLAYS OVER RADIO]

* All right *

* Check out the smiles *

[HORN HONKS] [BRAKES SCREECH]

MAN: Wake up, jerk!

Weak strategy, Wilcox.

Should've opened the door wider. Always deal from strength!

They would've ripped the door off, Colonel!

Not likely! They wouldn't want to bruise their little hot rod.

Even if they did, it'd be worth it.

Let the little bastards eat some steel for a change.

It's what you call an acceptable loss.

Your car door is one.

Your freedom is not!

[SIGHS]

[**]

Hi, honey.

Jenny?

Been watching Baby Ruth again today, dear?

Doctor Ruth.

I just thought, you sounded so sad on the phone

that maybe you needed a little compassion.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm just not in the mood.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Don't mention it.

[GRUNTS]

Thanks anyway.

You're welcome.

I'm just too upset.

I mean, this was a horrible day.

All I want to do right now

is get out to the workshop,

pick up my hammer,

and hit things.

[YELLS] Jenny!

What have you done?!

Well, I-- What have you done?!

Now, Charlie, don't fly off the handle.

Let me explain.

I converted the shed into a rentable apartment.

See how it solves our problems?

Now you don't have to ask for that raise.

You can let things happen naturally, like you like.

Now, honey, don't take it so hard.

Your tools are still here.

See?

JENNY: Charlie!

Oh, Charlie.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now what?

Okay, okay!

All right, all right, all right!

What?!

[**]

I'm here to rent the apartment.

Honey, it's for you.

Hi.

I can't believe you rented it out to that guy. He's enormous.

And he's probably dangerous.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Charlie.

I am serious.

You know, when it comes right down to it,

I probably can't protect you against a guy like that.

Ooo.

[CHUCKLES] What's so funny?

Oh, well.

[GASPS]

These yours?

Take your hands off my children!

[CHILDREN GRUNT]

That was cool.

Yeah, can we do it again?

Okay, fine.

Everybody, dinner.

Hm.

So, Mr. Ramsey, you're not from around here, are you?

No.

Oh.

Where are you from?

France.

How romantic.

Ooo-la-la. Heh.

Is it okay to have more?

Oh, sure. Help yourself.

Oh. Sorry about that.

[**]

[TURNS ON]

[ZAP, CRASH]

[**]

MAN: Commander, we've got a traceable power source.

Can you pinpoint it?

I'm working on it now, sir.

[**]

Ah, gentlemen, you're just in time.

Here's our man.

We're trying to get a lock on him now.

[BEEPING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[**]

MAN: We've lost it, sir.

Well, at least we know

which side of the universe to start on. Correct?

I'm sure you gentlemen know what to do when you leave here.

[**]

Okay, okay.

I've got to deal with this.

Got to get a grip.

What the hell am I talking about, got to get a grip?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Darth Vader living in my back house, for chrissake.

Ah, it's all right. No big deal.

I can handle it.

Right after breakfast I'll go out there and tell him,

"Darth," I'll say, "There's been a mistake.

You have to leave."

"Now."

Morning. Good morning.

Listen, Mr. Ramsey-- Shep.

Okay, fine. Shep.

Listen, Shep, the thing is, I'm gonna have to ask--

MARK: Come on, Dad!

Theresa's already in the car.

Christ. Uh...

I'll catch you later...Shep.

[GRUNTS, EXHALES]

Come on, Dad. I'm coming.

Bye, honey.

[GRUNTS]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING] [GRUNTS]

Whoa, Mister Ramsey!

JENNY: No.

It's Marsha. Marsha?

Yes. Marsha Warfield. A TV show.

I watch her everyday.

It just so happens that today is about screaming for health.

You know, to get out all those internal tensions

before it becomes mental stress. Yeah.

You wanna watch?

[WHISTLES]

Stay down! [GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

JENNY: Oh! Mr. Ramsey! No!

[GROANS]

No! No! It's the mailman.

Geez, lady, don't you think

you ought to cut his caffeine intake down a little bit?

Sorry.

BOY: Bull's-eye, mister. Oh, no!

Wait, Mister Ramsey!

It's the paperboy. [LAUGHS]

Okay.

I'm just gonna go inside now and I'll see you later.

[GRUNTS]

[CRASH] Bull's-eye, smart-ass.

BOY: Hey, let's go see your big guy.

MARK: Yeah, good idea. Let's go.

Yeah.

Whoa.

BOY: Hey, Mr. Ramsey.

Why don't you try? Yeah.

[**]

[SCOFFS]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS] [BOYS LAUGHING]

[GROANS]

Oh, geez.

Even my mom can stay on longer than that.

[BOYS LAUGH]

[GRUNTS]

[WHIRRING]

[GROWLS]

[BOYS YELL]

Great strength. Piss-ass balance.

And who are you?

Commander of the ninety-fourth Fighting Beagles.

Colonel Dustin "Dusty" McHowell, United States Army.

You can call me Colonel.

Who are you? Ramsey.

Shep Ramsey. Niplan First Class.

Palander of the Secret Strike Force 119

under the guidance of Zanuck Vivian,

Supreme Doctorate of Rule through Vita Nine.

Vita Nine. Hm.

Things certainly have changed since '44.

[**]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[HORNS HONKING]

[CHUCKLES]

So he's trapped, see. Knows he can't win.

What does he do?

Right then and there old Mad Dog surrenders.

Surrenders the whole platoon.

[CHUCKLING] Wouldn't you know, Shep.

In one week, they was no good as a fighting force.

That's strategy.

Sometimes you got to lose to win.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

Damn it!

What the hell!

Time for the Charlie Wilcox show.

[HONKS HORN]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

That's not right.

[**]

MAN: Hey! Goldilocks!

You got any idea what these cars are worth?

Thirty thousand bucks!

You got any idea what we're gonna do to you

if we find one itty-bitty scratch on them? Any idea?!

Let me guess.

You're gonna pound my face, break every bone in my body,

then you're gonna drag me across a gravel road

and feed my remains to a warthog.

Is that about right?

What are you, nuts?

This is the nineties.

We're gonna sue you.

We're gonna get you for willful destruction of property.

Yeah. Mental anguish.

MAN: That's giving it to him!

Loss of work hours.

We get through with you,

you ain't gonna have a dime left to your name.

You'll be hearing from our attorney.

What kind of world is this?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR STEREO]

MAN: Hey, cool. Hey, check it out.

Wanda lives there.

Mark, get out of the road!

[**]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Mark, you all right?

[**]

[PANTS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[GRUNTS]

[**]

[BOTH YELL]

Wow! Rad!

MAN: What is that?

MAN: Hey! Hey!

CHARLIE: Shep!

[GROWLS]

You're crazy! Stop!

[CRASH]

[GROWLING]

[YELLS]

[YELLS] Shep!

Don't, don't!

Shep, no, don't!

Don't, don't! No, no.

It's okay. Okay. Shep.

[PANTS] Don't.

[GRUNTS]

Let's go back to the house. Come on.

[GRUNTS]

Shep, this is for you in appreciation

of everything you've done for us

and especially for saving our son, Mark.

Do you all eat this stuff?

ALL: Yeah. Yeah!

It's great. It's chocolate cake. Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Charlie, get a picture of this.

Hurry, quick.

Set the timer.

[KIDS CHUCKLING]

SHEP: Hm, mm.

Hurry.

Okay.

[TIMER BUZZING]

Quick. Okay.

Cheese.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

[**]

Hey! Hey!

Come back here, you little weasel!

Hey, stop him! Somebody, help!

Help! Is anybody there?

That guy's got my purse!

[GROANS]

[**]

[GRUNTS]

Ma'am. Oh.

Thank you.

[**]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Stand back. You are too close.

Stand back. You are too close.

This is your last warning.

Back off now.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

ALARM VOICE: No. Wait. Please.

My mistake.

You can stand as close as you want.

In fact, take the car.

No, please, wait. No.

Let's talk about this.

No, ple--

Oh, lord.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

[**]

Must be a K-seven force field.

Don't worry.

I'll break you out of there.

[GRUNTS]

Glad I could help.

Maybe I should stick to juggling.

[**]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

WOMAN'S VOICE [OVER SPEAKER]: Power crystals seventy percent below operational.

Approximately 21 Earth days to full recharge.

You are stuck here.

[TURNS OFF]

[**]

Whoa.

[CHUCKLING] Oh-ho-ho.

[SPACEY BLAST]

[BLASTS]

BOY: No way you're running the galaxy this time, Dragos!

Oh, no! He damaged my left deflector!

Use your phasers! I can't! I'm in hyper space!

Then launch photon torpedoes. You're crazy!

Dragos absorbs photons to get more power.

Impossible! I thought only Zennites could do that.

My shields are failing!

Try boosting your ejectors.

They're out! I'm doomed! It's over.

It's never over.

[GRUNTS]

[BLASTS]

Forget it. No one can defeat Dragos.

That's what they said about General Suitor.

Give it up, Dragos!

SHEP: Give it up! Give it up!

Give it up, Dragos! Give it up!

Give it up, Dragos!

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

Wow! You did it.

You just saved the galaxy.

[KIDS CHEER]

Wow.

You must play this game a lot.

Game? What game?

[KIDS LAUGH]

[**]

Hey, let me give you a hand.

Uh...no!

It's...really...uh...no. I insist.

Glad I could help again.

That's it.

I'm staying in nights.

Uh, uh... [YELLS]

[CRASH]

[BANG]

Muscle amplifier.

[BEEPING]

X-ray glasses.

Wow.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[MAN LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Please help me!

[**]

MAN [LAUGHING]: Told you she's with me, man.

WOMAN: Ow! Help me!

[WOMAN YELLING] [MAN LAUGHING]

Yeah, baby. Come here, baby! Ouch! No! Don't!

Help!

CHARLIE [YELLS]: Let the woman go!

[**]

What in the hell are you supposed to be?

I said, let the woman go!

I have the strength of ten men!

I can hurt you.

And I bet you can stop bullets too, huh?

Uh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, please, please.

Let's-- Let's-- Let's talk.

[LAUGHS]

Now I suggest that you let the woman--

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

MAN: It's a giant turtle. That's what the hell it is.

[GASPING]

Oh, God! Don't!

Help!

MAN [LAUGHING]: Come on, honey.

WOMAN: Help!

[GROANS]

[MACHINERY BUZZING]

[MAN LAUGHING] WOMAN: Oh, God!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[CHARLIE YELLS]

[GRUNTS] [YELLS]

[GASPING]

Thank you. You saved my life.

If there's anything I can do for you.

Anything at all.

Doing good is its own reward.

[**]

[WHIRRING]

[MACHINES BEEPING]

[SOUNDS OF CHILDREN PLAYING]

[CHILD SHRIEKING]

[YELLS] Quiet!

Hey!

[CHILD CRYING]

What?!

[CRYING] My cat. My cat.

[CAT MEOWS]

That's not my cat!

Oh.

[CAT SQUEALS]

[CRASH]

I hate suburbia.

[**]

Well, you know, you have to be choosy this time of year,

that's if you want a ripe melon.

Ripe ones are the best ones?

[CHUCKLING] Well, of course they are.

There is nothing more tasty than a ripe melon.

Uh.

How do you know which ones are the ripe ones?

Well, uh, you have to squeeze it a bit.

And the softer the better, I always say. Heh.

[SPLAT]

Wow! I found a good one.

Uh! Eh!

[**]

Hey, buddy let me give you a hand.

Hey, it's just a gag.

You can have the rope.

Leave me alone!

Get out of here! You're crazy!

[TURNS ON]

[SIGHS]

[BEEPING]

Magnify out.

Again.

Bounty hunters.

Where's Charlie Wilcox?

In a meeting. Can't be disturbed.

Leave a message or take a seat.

I said take a seat!

My, what-- What a big one.

[EXHALES]

Oh, funny! That's real funny!

Put that down! Shame on you!

I'm so happy. Please tell them how happy I am.

You can do that, can't you?

It's here! [CHUCKLES]

Wonderful. Eh, do you like it?

It's for a new mini- mall.

If you don't like it, we'll lose it.

All right, off you go now. Time to get ready for the big party.

Bye-bye now. Bye-bye, see you later.

Banzai! [CHUCKLES]

Save it for your lunch hour, huh, Marg?

All right, Charlie, here's what I need from you now.

I know you're gonna come through for me.

A set of finished blueprints.

The lobby, the penthouse, whatever you think

is gonna impress our Japanese friends the most.

And I need them tonight. Tonight?

Now, now, there's an echo. Yes, tonight.

Come on, it's tough, but so are you.

Throwing a big bash for the new clients.

Your blueprints are gonna seal the deal.

But I-- But, but, but, but, but, but.

Now are you a motor boat? You can do it, Charlie.

I know you can. You're the one, you're the man, you're the king.

Astonish me. Oh, and by the way,

don't forget to include all the little details

that make up the Beltz trademark.

One more thing. Why are you still here?

You should be going, you should be working.

Time is money, go, go, go. [CHUCKLES]

Where's my N-210 Algorizer? Your what?

Did you follow me to my ship?

Yes.

Did you sneak inside?

Well--

Did you fool with my stuff?

Where's my N-210 Algorizer?!

All right, drop him, Kong.

It's okay Margie, this is a friend of mine.

Well, then take it outside.

You know, maintenance has enough work to do

without your blood on the carpet.

SHEP: Okay, let's go.

Where we going?

To where you saved this girl. I can't go now.

I'm working, I've got a deadline to meet.

Wh-wh-what's your hurry?

[**]

Get out of the way.

[GRUNTS]

Come on, let's go.

SHEP: Ruthless interplanetary killers

with the deadliest high-tech weaponry in existence

may be on their way here right now because of you.

Me?! What did I do?

The weapons, the suit.

The power sources can be traced.

When you turned them on it was like sending up a flare.

Shep, I'm sorry, I didn't know. You didn't ask.

You said "may be", that they "may" find their way here.

They may not get an exact fix,

they could pass us right by, if no more flares are sent up.

That's why you got to get that N-two-two--

thingee back, right?

Right.

This is where I was shot.

It's where I fell over.

Here's where I crash-landed.

And you saved this girl?

Yes, I saved the girl.

[SNAPS] Wait a minute.

We can find them with this.

It zeros in on the gun's electronic signal.

A homing device, great!

Why didn't we just use this in the first place?

Shut up.

Let's go.

SHEP: Take a right. Right, Charlie.

Okay, now step on it.

CHARLIE: Shep, this is illegal. Watch it!

SHEP: Take another right. Right here. Turn. Good.

SHEP: Left, left. Okay. Take a right here, Charlie.

SHEP: What are you slowing down for?

CHARLIE: Whoa!

CHARLIE: We made it. SHEP: Come on, Charlie.

SHEP: Take a left right here in the driveway.

[**]

Is he dead?

Temporarily immobilized.

He'll thaw out in about 20 minutes, with a bad headache.

Let's go.

Wow. A freeze gun.

[**]

[RUSTLING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND WHISTLING]

[WHISTLING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLING]

[WHISTLES]

Hey, just a minute!

No skimmin' from the top!

Idle out, will you?

I'm the one that found that thing, remember?

Yeah. Well, I'm the one that figured out how the thing works.

And I'm the one that wants the thing back now.

[GRUNTS]

[YELLING]

[GROANS]

[YELLS]

[FIGHTING SOUNDS]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

Shep, watch out!

Got ya! [LAUGHS]

Antifreeze.

[PANTS]

Charlie.

[BLAST]

[**]

[**]

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

You were right about that headache.

It'll pass.

At least you got your N-2-thingee back.

Now we can rest easy.

Ha! Yeah, sure.

Except for one thing.

They're here.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Who's here?

A couple of leeches

that make their living off the blood of others.

Investment bankers?

Bounty hunters.

Bounty hunters?!

You mean from up there?

Wait a minute.

Bounty hunters?

You said you were one of the good guys.

I am.

There was this evil tyrant named Suitor,

planned to rule the universe.

Had a lot of devoted followers,

swore they'd follow him even after death.

I gave them the chance.

So...you're some kind of space warrior.

Right?

From where?

I mean, do you belong to some kind of army?

Or do you just go around doing good,

like some kind of superhero?

Hey, this isn't a cultural pow-wow here.

The killers are loose on your streets out there.

Ten minutes listening to your ice cream trucks,

and they'll level this town.

Can they do that?

Yeah.

MAN [ON INTERCOM]: Hey, dudes! Welcome to Surfin' Burger.

How about the big, big, gnarly burger?

We got the wipeout burger, got the dude burger.

We got the hang ten burger,

And the totally awesome burger.

[CHUCKLING] Hey. Hang on, you guys! You just got married!

Whoa! This is cool!

You two are so cute together, you know,

we got the special honeymoon burger

for just newlyweds like yourself--

[BEEPING]

How are you gonna get this thing outta here?

Vertical blast.

Are you sure it'll work? Shut up.

Well, then, Shep.

I guess this is goodbye.

I don't do goodbyes, Charlie.

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

Oh, no! Down!

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

That's it, then. That's what?

We have to fight.

We? We.

I'm setting you up as a decoy.

This suit can take two direct hits.

Two?

You'll draw their fire while I counterattack.

Try this.

I don't think so.

Look, I'm just your landlord.

I bring you an extra bar of soap when you need it.

Perhaps help stop the occasional bank robbery.

But being the target for intergalactic bounty hunters

is a little out of my line.

Listen, little man. It's your fault they're here.

My fault? Yeah.

You came to my house trying to pass yourself off

as an earthling.

How the hell was I supposed to know

that you're some sort of alien Rambo

with psycho enemies?

What kind of a man are you, anyway?

Your planet, your family--

Exactly.

My planet, my family were fine

before you brought the intergalactic grudge match here.

You've put them in danger.

All these guys want is you.

Christ.

I was frozen today.

Okay.

You win. It's not your fight.

Listen, I'd help you any way I could,

but you can't expect-- No, it's all right.

Forget it.

It was a million in one shot, anyway.

I'll fight them myself.

If I lose,

at least they'll leave your planet.

They'll have to take my body back for the reward, anyway.

Doesn't it have to be that way?

[CHUCKLES]

Unless you can tell me where I can find

about 40 pounds of Cymian crystal.

[**]

Cy--

Beltz.

Thank you. Thanks.

[**]

Hors d'oeuvres?

Well, hey, if it isn't Fred and Barney.

How did you two boys patch up your little differences?

Yes, we did. Thanks, Margie.

You know, I don't believe I caught your friend's name

the other day. Shep.

He's from out of town.

Don't they have parties where you come from?

Not like this one. I know. Dull, huh?

MARGIE: Football. That's my idea of a night out.

Football?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, what could be better than a bunch of beefy,

burly boys,

beating the crap out of each other

trying to score.

Being a burly boy. [CHUCKLES]

Where did you say you were from?

Uh, listen, Margie,

I promised Shep I'd show him my office.

Your office?

What'd you do that for?

The crystals. The universe. Remember?

You know, Charlie, I spend more time saving worlds

than I do living in them.

Sometimes I wonder why.

You've got everything, Charlie.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

BELTZ: So I said to the President,

"Hey, look, I just build the S and L's.

I don't run 'em." [LAUGHS]

Don't, don't. There you go.

How's the champagne? A little more champagne?

How about a round of Kamikazes? [LAUGHS]

Just special for tonight.

Tell them, tell them that.

Damn.

There should be a key around here somewhere.

Of course.

Here we go.

Fifty pounds of Cymian crystal.

Thanks, Charlie. You've been a great help.

Now, if you'll excuse me-- No, wait! They must be

in the building somewhere. Where?

[**]

You know, this device can be traced.

Calculated risk.

Yeah.

[ELECTRONIC BLEEPS]

[BLEEPING INTENSIFIES]

CHARLIE: Got 'em. They're upstairs in the new wing.

Let's go.

[**]

By the way, uh, do you like it in here?

It's finished. [LAUGHS]

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

But this is the way his building is gonna look.

[LAUGHS] These are all jokes. Anyway,

take a look, seriously, over here, fellas.

See that space?

That's how confident I am about this project,

I'm unveiling it at the signing, huh?

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[BELTZ LAUGHING]

Get him outta here.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

KIM: Uh, Mister Zukaki is

very impressed by your...

style.

Right back at him. You too.

Wilcox! Wonderful!

Just the man I wanted to see. He is the best,

and with a little help and guidance, one of the very best.

Did you make the alterations I specified?

Uh, yes, yes, yes.

I left them down in the car. Car, car. Wh-- Why the car?

I'll go and pick them up and bring them to your office.

Good, splendid. One more thing. Will I be astonished?

I think so.

I almost kissed you. But I wouldn't.

Good. Go.

Ready, everyone? Off to the party.

Here we go, and one-two, one-two.

That's good, size order, it's important.

[BELTZ LAUGHS]

[**]

MARGIE: Hold it right there.

Boys, boys, boys.

Now, why don't you put that back where it belongs?

Bounty hunters. Let's get out of here.

[**]

SHEP: Tag.

You're it.

[GROANING]

[METAL CREAKING]

[METAL CREAKING]

[GROANING]

[METAL CREAKING]

[GROANING]

[**]

[CREAKING SOUNDS]

[GASPS]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

You know, for a big guy,

you're kinda light on your feet!

[**]

Have a nice flight, camel-breath!

Talk about cheap construction.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[GAGGING]

[PANTING]

[**]

[WOMAN SCREAMING] [GASPING]

What--?

Oh. Oh!

[SURPRISED CHATTER]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

SHEP: Get your foot out of my face!

[GRUNTING]

[BLEEPING]

[GRUNTING]

[METAL SCRAPING]

[GRUNTING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[**]

Oh, what is this, a tag team?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] You're a dead man, Ramsey.

[**]

No wonder you guys never talk.

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[**]

[THUD]

Game over. You lose.

[**]

[CREAKING]

Have you been to the tar pits?

Really a must-see. They're right out there in--

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Mr. Zukaki requests that you explain the plans to him now.

Wonderful. Who, me?

All right, sir.

Uh, it gets a little technical, I hope you follow here.

We feel, and I'll go the distance with you on this one,

we feel very strongly that the building should have floors,

and that's of course, one per level.

Now, it goes without saying

that one man's floor's another man's ceiling.

That's why in order to keep them separate

we're recommending walls.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Why don't you just let me take you to a doctor?

You don't have to leave right away.

I mean, you just waxed the enemy.

Why don't you-- No. That's all right.

Shep, you said yourself you spend all your time

saving worlds without ever living in them.

This is your chance to live in one.

You said I put your family and planet in danger with this

interplanetary grudge match.

You were right.

I'm leaving before others come.

Yes, but-- Shep!

Charlie, do me a favor.

Go back to my place and make sure I've got everything.

I don't want to risk leaving

even one of those traceable devices behind.

Okay.

And Charlie,

thanks.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[LOCK CLICKS]

[YAWNS]

[HISSING]

[**]

[CLICKING]

[**]

Jenny?

Jenny?

Jenny?

Oh, Charlie!

THERESA: Daddy! Daddy!

What's the matt--

[**]

Who are you?

What do you want?

General Suitor, at your service.

Suitor?

But you're supposed to be dead.

So sorry to disappoint.

And you, I take it, are the partner.

Partner? Charlie, what's he talking about?

I was trying to help Shep

escape some intergalactic bounty hunters.

You see, Shep's an alien warrior,

who foiled this man's attempt

at ruling the universe.

Charlie, this is serious.

Yes, Charlie.

This is

serious.

[CLICKS]

Perfect timing.

I'm sorry, Shep,

I had no choice. I said I don't do goodbyes.

Ahh, but I insisted!

Suitor!

Did you think I was so stupid

not to have planned for every contingency?

There were many gunnery bubbles on that ship, you know.

MARK: No!

MARK: No, no!

[**]

Get over there. Get over there!

SUITOR: Move! Move!

This endless cat and mouse grows tiresome, Ramsey.

I suggest you come out here now,

unless you want this happy little group

melted to the ground!

SHEP: If it'd end your career it'd be worth it.

Bad bluff, Ramsey.

You see, I know something.

You actually care

for these creatures.

You're wrong.

They mean nothing to me.

[MARK SCREAMS]

Please, let her go! [GRUNTS]

SUITOR: You've got ten seconds

to come out with your hands up, Ramsey.

Before you see the inside

of this beautiful child's head.

Ten seconds, Ramsey!

[**]

Sometimes you gotta lose to win.

[ELECTRONIC BLEEPS]

COMPUTER: Warning. The self-destruct mechanism

has been activated.

[DOOR OPENS]

[**]

That wasn't the deal.

Here's the deal:

first you let them go,

then you can do whatever you want with me.

I won't even put up a fight.

SUITOR: You think I am a fool? Why should I believe you?

Because I, unlike you,

am as good as my word.

How quaint.

Well,

let them go.

I didn't come here to swat at flies.

Get them out of here, Charlie.

Now!

JENNY: Hurry!

[**]

Yes!

This is pleasant!

I've dreamed about this moment

ever since you blew up my ship.

I didn't like that.

[ELECTRONIC BLEEPS] SUITOR: How fitting, then,

that your death

will be the catalyst

that starts my rebuilding

to ultimate power!

So this is how you're gonna do me in,

by boring me to death with speeches.

Oh, unfortunately for you,

you're going to die

much more painfully.

I'm going back to help him.

[**]

Oh, Charlie, I can't let you do that.

Shep could've taken that guy out, but he didn't.

He didn't for us. We can't just leave him there to die.

You might get yourself killed.

Listen,

this is something I have got to do.

[**]

Oh, Charlie.

Be careful.

We need you.

[BLEEPING]

SUITOR: Ooh, this is much

more fun

than I had imagined.

So few things in life

live up to expectation,

don't you find?

I wonder

how killing you

is going to feel.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[**]

[SCREAMS]

Shep! Shep!

Shep! Shep!

SUITOR: Forget it.

He is finished.

But you,

you're just starting.

You son of a bitch!

[GRUNTS]

You stupid little man.

What do you hope to do to me,

to me, the almighty

Suitor!

Why, I could crush your neck!

Charlie, no!

With my bare ha--

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING, ROARING]

[**]

[GRUNTING]

[SNARLING]

[SNARLING]

[SHRIEKING]

Charlie, get outta here, now!

[HOWLING]

Ow!

[ROARING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[SHRIEKING]

[**]

[EXPLOSIONS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[**]

[ELECTRONIC BLEEPS] [MACHINERY HUMMING]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[SIRENS BLARING]

[INDISTINCT SPEECH]

[EXPLOSION]

Oh, my God! Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie! Look! Look!

Oh!

[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie!

What happened?

Is the world saved?

Oh, Charlie, you are all right.

He took on Suitor all by himself.

With his bare hands. [CHUCKLES]

He's some kinda guy.

Oh, Charlie,

you are the finest man I have ever known.

But if you ever do anything like this again,

I'll kill you!

Way to go, Dad! You're the greatest.

Give up? [CHUCKLES]

It was Raymond Burr in "Godzilla".

Nick Adams was in "Rodan".

Now "Mothra", that's another classic,

by the way-- Wilcox!

All right, this better be good. Make it good, make it fast.

We've been up all night. Zukaki's about to take

his business elsewhere, I'm running out of movies.

Just explain your incompetence!

My incompetence? Yes!

Is that what you've been telling them?

I've been telling them what's good for the company.

Just be a man and accept the responsibility.

I'm the one who's been saving your butt

for the last three years.

You want somebody to talk to Mr. Zukaki about

incompetence?

Do it yourself!

You're the expert.

I quit!

Wilcox!

Charlie!

Chuck?

[CHUCKLES]

Coffee?

[**]

Hey, dude, how about a bomb pop?

Whoa!

Hey, you're leaving?

Leaving. Bad guys beat?

The galaxy's saved.

No loose ends, then?

BOY: Hey, look!

It's the giant!

Well, maybe one loose end.

[SCREAMING]

Hey, man, I just got that!

Use his.

[**] Whoa!

Radical! Pure luck.

BOY: Was not, was not!

So what? My mom did that last week.

BOY: Whoa! He's going for a full locked hand-stand!

No way!

Way.

Tell your mom to keep practicing.

Oh, man.

My last board.

Take mine.

Cowabunga, dude!

Are you sure?

You want me to change my mind?

Heck, no!

Well, get outta here!

BOY: Can I ride it? ERIC: No, he gave it to me.

BOY: I helped him save the galaxy!

[**]

[MEOWS]

[GIRL CRYING]

Again?

My cat.

Are you sure? [SOBBING]

Positive?

[CAT MEOWS]

Bad kitty! [MEOWS]

[SCREAMS]

Uh-oh!

[SCREAMING]

Whoa!

Thanks.

Get a goldfish.

[**]

[**]

So what are you gonna do now, Charlie?

Something will turn up.

Life's too short not to take a chance.

Maybe I'll become an intergalactic warrior.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, and maybe I'll become a family man.

All right, E.T., ready for blast-off.

[**]

Purely educational.

Well, I'd better get going.

You never know who's gonna be out there

trying to retrieve this hunk of hardware.

Right.

So...

Well...

Have a nice flight.

[**]

SHEP: Hey, Charlie.

Too good to say goodbye?

Bye, Shep.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Shep.

See you around.

See you around, Charlie.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Goodbye, Mr. Ramsey!

Bye, Shep! Bye, Shep!

[**]

[**]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[HONKING, CHEERING]

[**]

[CAT MEOWS]

* Blue sky Plenty of sunshine *

* Take a stroll Down by the bay *

* Where else Could there ever be *

* Such a sensational hideaway *

* Hey, now, hey, now Now's the time *

* For a little vacation To clear the mind *

* Hey, now, hey, now Like heaven on earth *

* Simple but oh, so nice *

* It's almost like paradise *

* Take this beautiful morning *

* All the natives They laugh and play *

* Everything Just so peaceful *

* The rest of the world Seems so far away *

* Hey, now, hey, now Now's the time *

* For a little vacation To clear the mind *

* * Hey, now, hey, now Like heaven on earth *

* It's simple but oh, so nice *

* It's almost like paradise *

* Ooh *

* Hey, now, hey, now Now's the time *

* For a little vacation To clear the mind *

* Hey, now, hey, now Like heaven on earth *

* Simple, but oh, so nice *

* It's almost like paradise *

* Hey, now, hey, now Now's the time *

* For a little vacation To clear the mind *

* Hey, now, hey, now Like heaven on earth *

* Simple but oh, so nice *

* So nice *

* Almost like paradise *

* Ohh, ohh *

* So nice *

* Almost like paradise *

[**]

* Ramsey *

* Ramsey *

* There is much Misunderstanding *

* Among people of today *

* They don't know What they're thinking *

* They don't know what to say *

* They speed through All their lives *

* They're being pushed And so they shove *

* And that's how I see it Coming down from up above *

* Ramsey *

* Ramsey *

* Sometimes it takes a stranger To show us a new way *

* To take the darkness Out of reason *

* And give us a brand-new day *

* And then there'll be A peace *

* With all the hearts And all the doves *

* And that's how I see it Coming down from up above *

* Ramsey *

* Ramsey *

* When there is beauty On the outside *

* Ugliness can rain within *

* But we gotta start looking Under layers of the skin *

* And we gotta show Our feelings *

* And what we're thinking of *

* And that's how I see it Coming down from up above *

* Ramsey *

* Ramsey *

* Ramsey *

* Ramsey *