Original subtitles

♪♪

-Next up, the People v. Jessica Delgado

and Kaitlyn Komacki on a charge of disorderly conduct.

-Really?

Another disorderly conduct from the New York Wedding Expo?

They had WrestleMania in the same building,

and somehow, it was less violent.

-These women both saw a dress they simply had to have,

and instead of throwing rice, started throwing haymakers.

-Look, Your Honor, my -- my clients

cannot be held responsible for their actions.

They were driven to madness by this dress.

I, for one, can understand.

I mean, look at this exquisite gown.

Ivory lace, hidden pockets,

a-a cut that is somehow both A-line and mermaid?

Come on. -I know how to solve this.

I'm gonna cut the dress in two, and each of you can have half.

[ Shing! ]

-Why would we do that?

-That would just ruin the dress.

-I was trying to do the Solomon thing.

From the Bible.

It's like "Game of Thrones," but people like the ending more.

-Why'd I even bother pulling this sword out of that stone?

-Alright, I'm gonna go with the biblical fine

of 30 pieces of silver, or $200 American.

And the dress needs to be returned to the expo.

-Little problem with that.

-Ah, hell yeah.

Winter is coming!

♪♪

♪♪

-Weddings are the worst.

Why should I have to take off work and fly to Chicago

because you're getting a new roommate?

-Well, I'm not settling down anytime soon,

but when I do, I want an intimate ceremony on a beach,

reception on a hillside,

afterparty on a volcano.

-Good luck finding one place with all those terrains.

-Someone's never been to Guam.

That place is like hill, beach, hill,

beach, hill, hill, volcano, hill, beach.

-You know what the craziest thing is about weddings?

-The fact that you're having a fancy meal

with two people you know are definitely gonna have sex later?

-It's that no one's ever asked me to be their maid of honor.

People are always choosing their sister.

That's nepotism.

It's even more annoying because I'd be great.

No one's more organized than me.

It takes me one visit

to memorize the layout of a Home Depot.

-I just saw a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk in.

It wasn't that funny.

Maybe it only works when they're walking into a bar.

-We're talking weddings over here.

Any of these cases giving you ideas for yours?

-Well, my wedding planning has kind of been on hold

since my dad passed away.

Rand and I just really haven't jumped back in.

-Maybe you never will. Maybe you'll break up.

-What? -Nothing.

-I'd love to do some planning. I just haven't had the time.

I've been so busy, so I'm just letting Rand take the lead

on things I don't feel too strongly about.

-You feel strongly about which beans should be in the chili

on Chili Wednesdays. -Pinto.

Garbanzo beans should just stick to hummus.

-A wedding is the most special day of your life.

You should care about it

at least as much as you care about beans.

-Dan Fielding loves weddings?

Oh, you are a big, mushy softy inside.

-Eh, it's not that big a surprise.

Look, a wedding is your one chance in life

to get everything you want.

Bakers bringing you an endless parade of cakes.

Tailors draping you in the finest fabrics.

And the one opportunity to say what you want to be able to say

every other day --

no children allowed.

-I mean, some of this New York wedding stuff is pretty cool.

Do you know you could get married

at halftime at a Knicks game?

At least someone then is leaving with a ring.

-Well, look, if time is the issue,

you could knock it out all tonight,

right here, without moving.

I mean, everything you need is in this building.

-Including the perfect person to help you plan it.

-Well, I don't know --

-Me! [ Laughs ]

-You know I love the idea of all of us working together.

Hey, I'm getting what I want already.

Alright, let's do it. It'll be fun.

-Weddings aren't about fun.

They're about ruthlessly getting whatever you want.

Which is fun.

It is about fun. You said that?

♪♪

♪♪

-Olivia, what are we doing here?

Abby and I still have a lot of planning to do.

We have to pick the bride-bailiff dance.

It can be whatever you want,

but it will end in a "Dirty Dancing" lift.

-Well, I thought we'd start with the most important thing.

Bring them in.

Do a 360, please.

-Okay, I don't really think this is the best --

Ooh, I like the neckline on that one.

-Can we have number four step forward, please?

-And can you demonstrate if the dress has enough give

to do the chicken dance?

Actually, could all of you, please?

-I know what this is about. You're not trying to help.

You're trying to prove you'd be a good maid of honor.

-I can do both at the same time.

It's called multi-tasking.

What? Yes, I'm still holding.

-As someone who's been a maid of honor five times

and a Best Gurgs twice,

I can tell you the job isn't about lists and dress line-ups.

It's about having fun,

and I've already cornered that market.

Two words -- penis gavel.

-Well, I guess we'll just see whose style works bet--

No, Mom, I'm not sending you a picture of the penis gavel.

So, are any of these jumping out?

-I don't know.

I mean, they're all nice, but if I'm being honest,

I'm looking for something like that dress

that the women were fighting over.

-I can get that for you.

-Well, I can it for you first.

-Oh, no, I didn't mean that you guys should --

♪♪

-Who knew there were so many hairstyles?

In Skaneateles, we only had two --

bangs and horse.

-I think you'd look good in any of these.

-Aw, Neil, that's so sweet.

-She values my opinion.

-She touched your arm. Act like you've been there.

-That was quite the passionate dress defense you made earlier.

-Oh. I'm just a lawyer doing his best.

I would have been equally as passionate

had they been fighting over a spare tire.

"Oh, the flawless tread, the exquisite steel belting,"

et cetera, et cetera, on and on.

-No, that description came from

a man with elegance and taste.

-Oh. [ Chuckles ]

What are you selling?

-Ideas.

Cynthia Davies, wedding planner.

Now, I see you're married,

but have you thought about a vow renewal?

-My wife died several years ago.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But, and I hope this isn't too forward,

but a trophy elk like you, you know,

it's only a matter of time before someone bags you,

and do you know what that lucky huntress

is going to make you into?

-Please don't say venison jerky.

-A husband.

And before you say no,

try one of these Belgian truffles.

It takes 14 monks to make one per day.

-I taste their silence.

-Next up, the People v.

Rich Morrison and Andrea Reynolds.

-The defendants were caught trying to sneak

into the Zimmet Art Museum after hours.

-Uh, Your Honor, my clients were merely giddy

over their wedding venue.

Haven't you ever been so excited that you put on a ski mask

and threw a celebratory brick through a window?

-We had to see the layout, Your Honor.

My Uncle Phil can't be near the Picassos.

I don't need my wedding ruined

with his endless comments about chicks with three boobs.

-And it's beautiful.

Stained glass windows, vaulted ceilings,

and they have bathroom waiters who serve you mints.

-Your Honor, the venue canceled their wedding reservation.

Isn't that punishment enough? -What?

It's booked solid for three years.

If I can't have it, no one can.

I will burn that place to the ground!

-Oh, my God! I love him.

-Aw. That's very sweet, but it's still a $100 fine.

Oh! Oh!

Neil, can I please have my family-friendly gavel?

-So, Kaitlyn's wedding dress wasn't in evidence,

which must mean you have it.

-Not only do I have it...

I don't have it.

Well, turns out she hid it before they caught her.

But I pivoted and called in some reinforcements.

-Next case, the People v. Jack Steele.

-Uh, am I missing a file on this?

-Don't worry, Your Honor.

It's nothing to lose your shirt over.

Or is it? Unh!

[ Hair metal music plays ]

He's a stripper!

[ Laughs ] -Oh.

-Ooh.

♪♪

[ Gavel bangs ] -Order!

Gurgs, I appreciate the gesture.

This just isn't the time. -I agree, Your Honor.

Could we please clear the court of these distractions?

-Could you please show him the way?

♪♪

The way to do it!

Unh!

He's a stripper!

-Okay. Okay. Alright. Order! Order.

Anyone in the gallery that's a stripper, please go home.

♪♪

-Oh, these hors d'oeuvres are just stunning.

I mean, of course we'll need a vegan option.

An option for them to leave.

Alright, so these are better

before or after the champagne toast?

-Oh. Why don't I get one of

my chilled bottles of Veuve and we'll find out?

-[ Chuckles ]

What?

-Did you tell that woman you're planning a wedding

just to get free stuff? -No, no, no, no.

I made my position perfectly clear.

She's just a motivated sales person.

And I am a motivated recipient of stuff

I don't have to pay for.

Jalapeño popper?

-Mm. I'm good.

I could use some advice, though. -Hmm.

-I have some insider information,

and I'm not sure I should take advantage of it.

-Uh-huh. You want that open spot at the Zimmet Art Museum.

-So bad.

Growing up, sometimes, my dad would pull me out of school

to visit the city and take me to a museum.

He would, uh, pretend to be a tour guide

and just make stuff up.

One time, we had like 15 people join our tour.

-Mm. -We had to stop

because the FBI thought we were planning an art heist.

Getting married in a place like that

would just make me feel like he's part of it.

-Personally, I don't see the appeal of art museums.

I mean, why should I be impressed with what people drew

while they were going crazy with syphilis?

Seems to me that you got the information

about the venue fair and square.

But hey, knock yourself out.

Not the poppers, though.

They'll melt your face.

Just catching up with me now.

♪♪

-Cynthia? -Cynthia Davies.

I understand you're the person to talk to.

I'm interested in putting a deposit down for the Zimmet.

-Um, I'm sorry. There was briefly an opening,

but one of my clients literally just took it.

-Oh. -But another date

did just open up in 2031.

It's a Wednesday afternoon, non-consecutive hours,

and... [ Cellphone chimes ]

Ooh, someone just booked it.

-Thanks, anyway.

-Did somebody order a sausage --

-[ Clearing throat ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oop. There's my taste bud.

-Cynthia, this has been lovely, but --

-Hold that thought.

First, I need you to try this cake.

It's made with the eggs of a hen who only eats caviar,

laid by a fish who only eats hen.

-Oh.

Uh, no, I can't.

I can't keep taking your free stuff when I know

that you'll never be planning my wedding.

-Because you're going with someone else?

-No.

-Is that bitch Lynn Fetterman here?

-No. Who? I don't even know --

No, please. Please, calm down.

I just know that I have no intention of ever

walking down the aisle again.

Yes, at my wedding, I did walk down the aisle,

but I didn't make a big show of it.

My tuxedo had a very tasteful train.

-You're gonna have another wedding.

-That kinda sounds like a threat.

-You're too good not to.

Your palette, your eye for color,

your knowledge of fragrance.

I'd kill for your nose.

-Okay, that's definitely a threat.

-Which is why I'm asking you.

Mm. -No, what are -- No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

-Dan Fielding, do you swear

to let me help you plan your next wedding?

-If it gets you up off that disgusting floor, fine.

-This is the happiest day of my life.

-Oh --

-Thank y'all. -Why are you applauding?

-You hear that, Lynn?!

He's mine!

♪♪

-Okay, here it is.

Now, go find it. Go find the dress.

[ Dog barks ]

-Looking for this?

-That dog should be fired.

-While you were messing around with strippers,

I was putting Kaitlyn on the phone with my mother,

who made one comment about her perfectly regular ankles,

and now she's getting married in pants.

-Is that the missing wedding dress?

I'm gonna need you to hand that over.

-Fine.

-If it makes you feel better...

-Ow! He's a stripper!

[ Laughs ]

I'll meet you at the rendezvous point.

Now that'show you maid of honor.

-Aunt Reba, of course I want you there,

but the new venue doesn't allow flip-flops.

Oh, so now none of our Florida family is coming?

-Wedding troubles? -It's so stressful.

-My planning kinda hit a snag, too.

-At least you're not being forced to have your wedding

in some spooky art museum

that doesn't even have a wax Vin Diesel.

-Wait, did you book the Zimmet?

That's a venue I wanted.

-Well, apparently, everybody says it's the best,

so I had to push my wedding back six months.

-Why?

Your wedding is supposed to be the one day

you can get anything you want.

So, what do you want? Don't think about it.

Just say it.

-I just want to be married. -Okay.

Well, let's make that happen, alright?

Um, I can take the Zimmet off your hands,

and I can marry you, here, tonight.

-You know what? I'm in.

Tonight, I finally become Mrs. Finkboner!

-Yes. You definitely should not wait

to get that name on some stationery.

♪♪

-Why are you wearing a tux?

-It's a wedding.

I'm getting my money's worth.

A tux salesman talked me into buying three of these.

-Paying for stuff?

A sucker's game.

-Hey. Oh, nice tux.

That style would look good on Rand.

-Oh. Cool. Well, uh, I've got two more.

-Oh, thanks, but they wouldn't fit.

He's got broader shoulders and bigger arms.

-Loving these Rand facts.

-Everyone, please be seated. -Oh, one second, Your Honor.

The father of the bride is supposed to be here,

but we can't get in touch with him.

-Oh. Well, you can't get married without her dad here.

-Dad? You made it.

Ooh. Oh.

I couldn't imagine doing this without you.

-Your Honor, we can get started.

-Um, sorry. I just need a minute.

-If I'd have been your maid of honor,

this never would've happened.

♪♪

♪♪

-[ Crying ]

-As a person who's actually been a maid of honor,

I know what time it is.

It's cold feet speech time.

[ Clears throat ]

Abby, I know you're feeling stressed,

but this is supposed to be fun.

I know you can't see it, but I'm dancing out here.

-Well, I don't know how I'm gonna follow that.

[ Clears throat ]

An estimated 20% of couples suffer from cold feet.

That's roughly 500,00 people.

I Googled runaway officiants, but all I got was the plot

for an abandoned Kate Hudson movie.

-Huh. That's weird.

Your boring list of numbers didn't seem to comfort her.

-Abby, I know that you're scared,

and it's normal to be nervous because you're -- you're --

you're doing something you've never done before,

but just remember that you, um, love --

-That couple.

You've known them your whole -- -Day.

And -- And if you don't do this,

you are gonna wake up tomorrow thinking --

-"What if..."

-"...you had married that couple?"

-You're right.

I'll go back to Glenn and Trish.

We've been a throuple for so long.

We make a great team, just like you.

-Throuples, man.

Someone always ends up crying in the bathroom.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

-In case you were worried,

the Finkboners were married by a stripper/priest.

It was beautiful.

-I can't get everything I want.

-Because your father isn't here.

-I think that the real reason I haven't wanted

to jump back into wedding planning.

He was just so involved in all of it.

He was gonna do magic. -Hmm.

-This thing where my finger would keep falling off

right before Rand put a ring on it.

It was gonna be epic.

-Well, you know,

big moments make us really miss those who are gone.

It's inevitable.

But you have to live your life.

And it's time you start a life with...

Again, Rand?

Rand?

I mean, it's almost like a name,

but not quite.

-Isn't your real name Reinhold?

-Uh-huh. Okay.

So you know stuff.

-But you're right.

That is what my dad would've wanted.

It's just hard to accept that he won't be there for it.

-Actually, I have an idea about that.

♪♪

-What is this?

-Well, Harry and I -- all of us, really --

we spent so much time downstairs in that courthouse

that we would come up here for breaks, fresh air,

and talk down the occasional jumper.

I thought it might be a-a way to make you feel

like your father was part of your wedding.

I mean, plus, you can't beat the beautiful view that way.

Don't look that way.

Those people need to invest in some curtains.

Whoa.

-It's perfect.

Rand is gonna love it.

I mean, he is terrified of heights,

but it's time we work on that anyway.

I'm not giving up roller coasters for anyone.

-We helped too.

I did the twinkly lights.

And I brought up a leaf blower

and got rid of the pigeons that are no longer with us.

-Because we realized that we make a great team.

-And that's why we agreed that we'd be...

your co-maids of honor. -Your co-maids of honor!

-Oh. Oh. I already have a maid of honor.

It's my friend Nicole from childhood.

She saved me from a well once.

-Yeah, go with her. -Can't beat that.

Either way, we're sorry we couldn't get you the dress.

How was I supposed to know that stripper was

just gonna take off?

-Did someone say "take off"?

-Hey! She's a stripper!

-You were wearing that the whole time?

-I caught up with Officer Twerkman

and offered him some free legal advice

for his "Magic Mike"-style company.

He's got great drive.

He's ready to rip off those sleeves and get to work.

-Whoa.

Nice job, Dan. -Ha.

-How'd you put this all together?

-It wasn't that hard.

I just used a lot of free stuff from that wedding planner.

-What the hell is this?

-[ Chuckles ]

-You planned a wedding without me?

-No, no, no. Not exactly.

No, this is not a wedding.

-I'm Cynthia Davies.

I know a wedding when I see one.

You can expect a bill for all this.

And by the way,

those truffles were made by a machine.

-You're just saying that to hurt me.

-Hey, look, y'all, it's the sad lady from the bathroom.

-And it looks like she is making up with her friends.

-I'm gonna order them some curtains.

-I told you not to look that way.

♪♪