Original subtitles

(Soft music playing)

(Hooves clopping)

Mr O'Neill?

(Babies crying)

Nurse: It's coming out, Peggy.

Woman: Leave it in! Leave it in! (Crying)

Look at you!

Look at you! You're an angel.

I'm gonna love you so much.

And when you grow up...

You'll be the greatest woman this world has ever seen.

(Baby cooing)

Just you wait.

(Ooowe)

- (Camera clicks) - Woman: And he was right!

(Laughs hysterically)

(Exhales deeply)

Hello, sweetheart. Here, I've seen your daughter.

She's had the baby, ain't she?

Oh, ain't it lovely? Yeah, I seen it.

It's a dinky little lot, innit, darlin'? Ta ta.

(Quietly) Ugly looking thing.

How's your Margaret?

Tell her I said hello, sweetheart.

Big old girl, ain't she, eh?

Yeah, big old Margaret. (Laughs)

Look! Look at that!

Oh, you've still got your little dog.

Oh, innit a lovely little thing.

Little dog. (Laughs)

(Groans quietly) Vicious bastard.

- Sorry I'm late, nan. - Oh, here he is.

- You come up and see me? - I've come up to see ya.

You've come up to see me, ain't ya?

- I have, nan. - Oh, you are a good boy.

You're late.

I was trying to park, nan.

You ain't got a car.

I've got a minibus, for my charity.

They give you a minibus 'cause you're gay?

I'm not gay, nan.

Oh, hello, sweetheart. Ooh, what you got here?

Tarka dhal and saag aloo.

(Incoherently) Tarka dhal and saag...

Well, that looks lovely, don't it?

Yeah, I'll have some of that, darlin'.

Erm, could you do me some without the spinach?

Mm, I can do that.

Yes and I... I don't want no lentils.

I suppose so.

Yeah, and no coriander.

Oh, that would just be a potato.

Oh, yes, smashing. I'll have a potato.

Thank you, darlin'. Pay the woman.

Oh, it's a bit plain, innit?

No, nan, the minibus is a craft-mobile...

- For gays? - No, a craft-mobile

for people with emotional difficulties.

"A craft-mobile for people with emotional difficulties."

What a load of old shit!

Ooh... ha-ha, little fat Buddha. (Laughs)

- I'll have that one. - Man: That one? Are you sure?

Yes. I love him.

Wonderful man. Outstanding in his field.

Natural authority, you see.

When he speaks, you shut up and listen.

Man: It's £50.

I'll give you 10, I know his worth.

Done! Been having trouble shifting this one, to be fair.

Oh, you surprise me, love.

Come on, then, let's take him home.

Nan, why do you want this?

I just love him.

(Upbeat music plays)

Here, are you still drawing your cartoons?

- They're animations, nan. - Nan: Oh, yeah?

Grandson: I'm still doing them.

- I put them on YouTube. - Nan: Oh.

Grandson: I've got 30 subscribers now.

Nan: Oh, someone's gone viral.

Man: All right, joanie love!

Nan: (Loudly) Hello, sweetheart!

(Quietly) Bastard.

- (Thud) - Mind his head.

- (Grandson grunts) - Nan: Ooh...

- Hello, mrs Taylor. - Oh, hello, Carolyn.

Have you met my grandson?

This is my grandson, Jamie. He's come home to see me.

Oh, how lovely.

Well, lovely to meet you.

- It's a real pleasure. - Jamie: Nice to meet you.

Can we squeeze in?

(Grunts)

No chance, son.

(Lift bell dings)

You all right, Colin?

(Grunts softly)

Well, we've just been to the doctor, actually.

Oh... for your diabetes?

Oh, I don't have diabetes.

Oh... heart disease.

Er, not heart disease.

Gout?

Carolyn: He has to go for counselling.

- For your gout? - Er, no.

Apparently, I've been eating my feelings.

Have ya, darlin'? Oh...

Still, by the looks of things, they're delicious.

(Lift bell dings)

(Jamie grunting)

What are you huffin' and puffin' for?

Ooh, let me get that.

I have to ask,

why are you carrying that statue of Robert Mugabe?

Who is it?

Oh, I thought it was Trevor McDonald.

Shame. He's me favourite.

(Jamie grunting)

Mrs Taylor, we were wondering

if you would like to join us for Sunday lunch.

(Inhales deeply)

You can come, too, Jamie, if you like?

Jamie: Oh, that sounds really nice.

Oh, we're very busy.

Sorry, our diaries are full.

Ta ta.

- Bye. - Good to meet you.

What are you doing Sunday, nan? She seemed nice.

(Quietly) Shh.

You know they're deviants.

What do you mean "deviants", nan?

Naturists. The pair of them.

They're having naked parties, if you don't mind.

- Oh, come on... - You Mark my words,

I know what Sunday lunch means.

He'll be sat around the table with his nies hanging out,

she'll have her iils dangling in a gravy boat. No fear!

I can't believe that. How'd you know that?

They have organic fruit and veg delivered.

Once a week. In a box.

It don't mean they're walking around with no clothes on.

Nan: Can hear 'em, all day. Touching things.

(Loudly) With their bare arses!

- (Sighs) - Make us a cup of tea, son.

Jamie: Oh, look at that one. Fancy handwriting.

Let's have a look.

Junk, junk, bi”, bi”,

overdue bill.

Oh, me new cinema pass. Smashin'.

Final demand, junk, junk, summons.

(Clears throat) Come on, then...

Woman: Dear joanie. I bet you didn't expect

to hear from me after all these years.

I've tried to write this letter so many times,

but time is not a luxury I have any more.

I'm dying, joanie.

I have one last wish: That you will come and see me.

Even if you won't forgive me, I just wanna see you.

I've missed you terribly. I am still your sister.

With love, your Nelly.

Fuck off!

(Crumples paper)

Who was it, nan?

Ah, no one. Just a bill, you know. Usual old shit.

You don't normally get handwritten bills.

Don't you dare read that!

- Nan! - Jamie, I mean it!

You do, I'll cut you out me will.

What, and I won't get the Robert Mugabe statue?

(Car horn honks)

- Nan. - (Sniffs)

- Nan! - What?

Why do you never talk about auntie Nell?

Don't you say her name in this house!

I could take you, you know? Got the minibus.

What do I wanna go and see her for?

Because she's dying, nan.

Good.

If you don't go, you'll regret it.

It's not like you've got anything else to do.

I've got plenty to do,

- thank you very much. - Like what?

I've gotta watch me programmes.

I've got me sudoku.

I've got me wowchers, they're gonna expire soon.

You'll regret it.

Oh, will I? Pfff... watch me.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying put and that's it.

(Knock on door)

(Jamie clears throat)

Me again.

- Sorry to interrupt. - (Nan mutters)

Er, Colin and I were just chatting,

- and er... - Oh...

Seeing as you can't come over Sunday,

we were wondering if we could tempt you over another day?

Friday or Saturday or whatever works for you, really.

Mm, sorry, love, I'm completely swamped.

- No, you're not, nan. - Yes, I am.

She's not. She's free tonight, actually.

Carolyn: Oh, wonderful!

- Shall we say 8 o'clock, then? - She'd love that.

- Wouldn't you, nan? - Er, Jamie...

Nan was just saying how much she'd like

to get to know her neighbours better.

Colin will be thrilled!

Yes, I bet he will.

You'll enjoy that, won't you, nan?

Er, no, I can't come.

Jamie: She'll see you later.

Yeah, I can't come 'cause my sister's dying.

Oh, god.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Yeah.

(Sniffles) Yeah, we were very close.

(Clicks tongue) Got to go and spend some time with her.

He's taking me to see her.

Yeah, 'course.

Well...

- We'll leave you to it. - Ah.

Sorry to disturb you.

Good luck with it all.

Nan: Mm... mm.

You happy now, you interfering old Mary Ann?

Go on, then, go and get your minibus.

(Indie rock music playing)

- Ah! - (Van horn honks)

(Metal squeaking)

(Engine sputters)

Look at the state of this!

It's to make it stand out.

I'm hoping the bee will become iconic.

Iconic like the fyre festival.

I might change the name.

Yeah, bit of a mouthful.

(Indie rock music continues)

Right, nan, if we have one stop in Birmingham,

I reckon we can make the last ferry in liverpool and then...

What you talking about?

I think we can get to Nell's by Sunday.

We're not going to Nell's.

I've got a two-for-one wowcher for a day spa in coventry.

If we're only going to a day spa,

why have you brought so many clothes?

No, darlin', that's all my snacks.

Coventry's on the way to Nell's...

Is it?

Here, want a fridge rustler?

Jesus, nan. You can't eat them.

You know what they're made of?

Bits of chicken.

Yeah, chickens that have been bred and kept in micro cages

and then crushed and ground up and processed. It's appalling.

Mm. Appallingly delicious.

Look at all this toot you got in here.

Hashtag "road trip".

Hashtag "bants".

Hashtag "crafts".

What's this, knitting needles?

You can't have knitting needles

around negative thinkers, love.

Well, it depends 'cause it's a spectrum, isn't it?

You can with some of them, yeah.

Well, they... not if they turn on each other, love.

That's all you need.

Here, ya, look, oi. Here, how many?

- Jame, how many can I do? - I don't know, nan.

One... one, two...

- Here, Jay. - What?

- Jay. - W hat?

- Jamie! - What?

I've eaten a multicoloured tarantula.

Jamie: Eh?

(Nan laughs)

(Muffled) It's in me...

- It's in me mouth. - I know what you're doing.

(Muffled) Multicoloured.

Those are the legs.

Yeah, I know they are.

I'm eating the body.

Take a picture. One, two, three!

I thought I'd left me glasses at home, but I haven't.

Jamie: Mm.

You should put me in one of your cartoons.

(Both chuckle)

I look like a fly.

- Who am I, jame? - Charles dickens.

- "It was the best of times..." - Charles dickens.

"It was the worst of times." Charles dickens.

One, two, three, four, five! Go on, your go.

- Uh... I'm driving, nan! - Oh, sorry.

(Indie rock music continues)

Nan... will you ever tell me

what happened with auntie Nell?

She's a miserable old whore,

went off to live on an island off of Ireland, the end.

There you go. Now you know the whole story.

- Nan... - Now, I don't

- want to talk about it. - Come on...

Nah, I gotta take my angina pill!

Yeah.

Delicious.

If you don't tell me about auntie Nell,

I'll tell you all about my charity work.

Aah, well, you've backed me into a corner now, son.

(Swing music playing)

I was a daddy's girl, you see.

I was a beautiful-looking child.

I loved to bounce. Bounce, bounce, bounce.

- (Laughs) - (Camera clicks)

There was only one thing I loved more than bouncing:

That was my father. I adored him.

Best part of my day was when he came home from work.

I was his pride and joy. Until one day,

he told me there was another one.

He said to me, "this is Nelly. She's your sister.

"You're gonna look after her till the day you die."

- (Camera clicks) - I wasn't that keen at first.

But it turned out she liked to bounce an' all.

And we became inseparable. Bounce, bounce, bounce.

We bounced our way all through our childhood.

Until the day my mother said those dreadful words...

Your father died this morning.

- (Girls crying) - Tuberculosis.

There's nothing we can do, so let that be an end to it.

Now, stop your snivelling and buck up.

Aii's fair in love and war, joanie.

Nan: There weren't no therapy through crafts

in them days, love.

We had to get straight on his horse and cart

and make a living.

Boy: Come on, Nell!

Nan: As the years went by,

Nell and I started building up our business.

Hello, sir. Can I interest you in a carpet...

Hello, madam. What can I do for you today, eh?

Nan: We were flying high, me and Nell.

We both had our roles.

She made eyes at the fellas, while I lugged away the gear.

'Course, nowadays you'd call it theft.

Get your gramophone! Gramophone!

Nan: We were a good team, me and Nell.

Should have seen us. They were the glory days.

But once she got a taste for it, she didn't wanna stop.

(Indistinct conversations)

We had a plan to save up enough money

to buy a little cottage on an island off of Ireland.

That was the dream. It's where my father was born.

When we were young,

he used to tell us it's where the leprechauns come from.

'Course, can't say "leprechauns" no more.

Nowadays you just say "Irish".

Neville Chamberlain: You can imagine

what a bitter blow it is to me

that all my long struggle to win peace has failed.

This country is at war with Germany.

- (Air-raid siren wailing) - (Missile whistling)

(Explosion)

Nan: And then it was the blitz.

(Big band music playing)

And everyone lived like they always tell you to.

Like every day was our last.

Me and Nell got a job

down the ammunitions factory, helping out our boys.

Friday night was dance night.

Oh, we used to love it.

We worked hard all week, then we let our hair down.

- Oh, we had a great time. - (Both giggling)

Mind if I cut in?

Nan: 'Course she was always more popular with the fellas.

(Chuckles) Oh... Oh, do you mind, joanie?

No, no, 'course not. Go on.

Nan: And I didn't mind.

(Young Nell squeals softly)

Not much, anyway.

But, as my mother used to say, "all's fair in love and war."

There was this one fella, though...

- (Camera clicks) - Terry,

always firing after me.

I got this for you.

Oh, leave off, Terry!

Morning, joanie.

Morning, joanie.

Morning, joanie. Nicked this for ya.

(Horse nickers)

Ain't got time for an horse, tel.

Nan: He 'd been there for as long as I could remember.

Poor sod.

What you doing here, tel? This is for gl's.

How'd you get in?

Knocked out the doorman.

- We don't have a doorman. - Oh.

Listen, joanie,

I went to sign up today, but they wouldn't let me.

Oh, what, do you fail the IQ test?

No, I passed that.

What was it, then? Your guts?

Flat feet. Apparently I'm not fit for duty.

Shame.

So I thought... well, I thought maybe it was a sign.

What, that you should get your feet looked at?

No, that I'm meant to stay here and look after you.

Joanie, you know I've always loved you.

We'd be good together, you and me.

Oh, tel...

Man: I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know it's rude, but I can't help myself.

Blimey!

Ain't you a big black beautiful sight for sore eyes.

Get off me, tel.

(Chuckles lightly)

I was wondering if you'd like

to go out with me Tuesday night?

Well, I can't do Tuesday. How about Monday?

I can't do Monday. How about Wednesday?

I can't do Wednesday. How about Friday?

I can't do Friday. How about Thursday?

I can't do Thursday. How about Saturday?

- I can't do Saturday... - Oh, jog on, you fat yank!

(Bothlaugh)

Wow.

I'll take that as a no, then?

Oh, you weren't being serious, were you?

I'm absolutely serious. I think you're marvellous.

- Do you? - Yes!

(Big band music continues playing)

Can I at least have this dance, then?

Well, yes, you may. (Chuckles)

- (Music ends) - (Applause)

Excuse me, my costermonger friend...

We was just talking about philosophy, etcetera.

- (Both chuckle) - (Romantic jazz music playing)

(Quietly) I'll be off then, joanie.

Woman: (Singing) Don't I know you?

We must have met before

don't I know you?

Are you the one I'm looking for?

It's not a mistake you're here, I'm awake

and don't I know you?

I feel I have known you forever

forever before

yes, I have known you forever...

Young Nell: Who's this handsome iunk?

Nelly. This is Walter.

He's from america. He's very tall and he's a black man.

(Laughs) Yes. All these things are true. Nice to meet you.

'Ere, have you ever met ai jolson?

Whatever's the matter with you, Nell?

Just because Walter's a black man,

it don't mean he knows ai jolson.

Ai jolson's not a black man.

- Both: Ain't he? - No.

He's a white man who paints his face black.

- Does he? - Walter: Yes.

Whatever for?

Well, due to fear and mistrust,

white mainstream audiences take pleasure

in the use of blackface as a grotesque infantilisation

of black people and black culture.

Oh... right.

So you have or you haven't met him?

I have not.

- Shame. - I've always thought so.

Step away from those white girls, boy.

- Excuse me? - Do what?

He'll step away from no one.

He's got more right to be here than you have,

- judging by the way you dance. - Okay, I'll handle it.

No, you stay out of it. Clear off, you.

Your kind's not welcome 'round here.

I regret ever dancing with you.

- Tainted. - Likewise.

Come on, Walter, let's have a proper dance.

Do you mind?

Oh, no, no. Not at all. Why... why would I mind?

Okay. Well, see you later, miss Joan...

Young Nell: Mm.

Come on, then.

Woman: (Continues singing) I've seen that look

I've read this book

your Greek's not Greek to me

oh, howl know you

you're all I can see

oh, howl know you

and know you know me

- (young Nell chuckles) - (Walter laughs)

- (Laughs) - Walter: That was wonderful.

- Pleasure to meet you. Both. - (Applause)

Thank you for making my evening.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

And I hope I get to see you again...

On whatever day of the week is mutually convenient.

(Chuckles) Yes.

Yes.

(Gasps)

Oh, those cheekbones.

Oh, you could cut yourself on them.

- (Soft jazz music playing) - (Light chatter and laughter)

Nan: But I couldn't see him straight away,

because we were stuck down that shelter for weeks.

People copping off left, right and centre.

Not me, though.

I only had eyes for Walter.

All right, joanie?

Pull over, son. I'm dying for the lav.

Gotta go now.

We're 12 miles from the services, nan.

Well, I'd step on it if I were you

before I pee myself all over your arts and crafts.

I can't, nan, I'm already at the speed limit.

Mm, suit yourself.

(Nan grunting)

(Straining)

Er, here we go.

(Urinating)

(Groans softly)

Nan, you just peed into a tupperware box, didn't ya?

I did, love. Yep.

(Car engine revs)

Ooh...

(Water trickles)

-Oh... (Groans)

I should have put a lid on that.

Looking foward to this day spa.

What a thing, eh? Day spa.

What is a Hollywood, jame?

Got one of them booked.

Is it to do with that fella off the bake off?

- Paul Hollywood, innit? - Yeah.

Maybe I'll meet him. Don't know.

Love the bake off, jame.

- Love it, don't we, eh? - Yeah.

Sit there and make cupcakes.

Ha-ha. It's all changed though, innit, eh?

- It has. - A while ago now.

So, Mary Berry not in it.

You got Prue Leith, Noel edmonds

and that other one who's left now...

Sandi tokspiss.

Sandifoksfig. Sand".sandisnogfig.

Sandi stokpig.

Standi tok... standi tokpic...

- Sandi to... - Toksvig.

Toksvig.

Toksvig.

Mandy toksvig.

-(Rapping) My name is nan -Jamie: Yeah

-from London town -what?

-You got a problem -yeah

I'll take ya down!

Both: Roll call!

Shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

Shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

My name is Jamie...

(Music playing on stereo)

Ooh, where they gone, then? I'm dying for a rustler.

Oh... I can't find them.

Oh... er...

Oh, here they are! Oh... Ooh, smell that!

Oh, Jamie, are we in one of your cartoons now?

They're animations, nan.

Oh! Ain't it marvellous, eh?

Better make a snack stop.

- Ugh". - Won't be a minute.

Don't like them, don't like them, like them.

That'll keep me going.

Jamie: Mm-hmm.

Mm. Delicious.

- (Car door closes) - Nan: Hello.

Get a job!

Jamie: What did you do that for?

Nan: Breaks up the, mm, journey, don't it?

Come on then, nan, tell me more.

Nan: If you must know, me and Walter finally

- found a night to meet. - (All laughing)

Tuesday. Nelly tagged along.

Me and Walter got on like eyes are winking.

He saw me for who I really was.

(Walter laughs hysterically)

Jamie: Don't tell me you did your boiled egg routine?

Nan: What, me eggy eyed- llzard tongue combo?

- (Cackles) - 'Course I did, son!

I was trying to impress him.

And it worked.

'Course Nelly got the right needle.

She couldn't bear me getting the attention.

So she found her own way to get noticed.

(Audience gasps)

Nan: But I made him laugh, see?

(Both laugh hysterically)

(Laughing)

What you two lunatics laughing about now?

Joanie was doing an impression

of mrs McDonald down at the market.

(Scottish accent) You do that again and I'll skin ya,

- ya wee bastard! - (All laugh)

Ock aye the noo! (Laughs)

Walter: Mm.

Nan: She was shocking at impressions.

-Mm. Embarrassing.

I dunno what you two are talking about

half the time, anyway.

(Chuckles lightly)

(Young Nell licking fingers noisily)

Nan: But she did have a tidy pair of knockers,

which, at the end of the day,

he valued more highly than regional accents.

Young Nell: Mm. Nan: Shame.

(Lively music playing)

- But as the weeks went by... - (Groans and sniffles)

Nelly got between us. Literally.

She bided her time and sealed the deal.

(Young Nell chuckling happily)

Don't go. What would we do without you?

Oh, yeah. Don't be silly, stay.

You won't know what happens at the end.

Oh, I... I don't think anything important.

(Young Nell moaning softly)

Nan: Still, all's fair in love and war.

(Lively music continues)

What you thinking about, nan?

I was thinking...

It never fails to amaze me when I see a fat girl married.

Nan, what is wrong with you?

Curvy brides' boutique.

Seen that? Oh, that's me programme.

Fat girls getting married. Amazing, innit?

Enough of 'em for three series.

Most of 'em to skinny blokes.

Boggles your mind.

Girl: You wanna get us a drink, you two?

Jamie: Come on, nan, let's get some sleep.

Hold on...

This don't look like coventry.

Everyone's orange.

(Brit-rock music playing on stereo)

It's liverpool, nan.

I think I missed the turning.

I know what you're trying to do, love.

You're trying to trick me into going to see Nell

and I'm not gonna stand for it.

But seeing as it's late

and they've got two-for-ones on jager bombs,

we'll stay here tonight. But, you Mark my words,

6 o'clock tomorrow morning, we are out of here.

You are taking me to a day spa in coventry,

where I'm getting a manicure, my eyebrows threaded

and a Hollywood. Whatever that is.

Woman: You can't park there!

What's that?

I said, you can't park there!

Oh, have a look!

Hello, sweetheart!

You...

Not seen you in ages!

Who is it, nan?

Here, jame, do you remember?

It's that bastard woman from up the council!

You used to work up the council, didn't ya?

I did. Until you got me sacked.

Because you were a bastard.

What you doing now, love?

Come back to liverpool.

I had to. 'Cause you got me fired

for being insensitive to the needs of the elderly.

Well, you were very insensitive.

You stopped me using a communal sky dish.

It wasn't communal! You were stealing from your neighbour.

You said I traumatised ya.

I was very traumatised!

I missed the finale of ex on the beach!

I have dreamt about seeing you again.

Well, whatever floats your boat, love.

And now here you are.

Illegally parked across three disabled bays.

Well, here's lucky...

I've got three disabled badges!

- Where'd you get them? - From up the council!

They've been ever so nice to me since you left.

You shouldn't have three.

And yet I do. Riddle me that.

Oh, yeah, I do remember. It's ms mahler, isn't it?

It's officer mahler now.

There is a distinct smell of urine in this minibus.

Mm, that was him.

Let's go, nan.

Careful, you.

If you put a foot wrong while you're in my city,

I'll be onto you.

I am a member of the road policing unit.

- Traffic warden. - Traffic police.

- Traffic warden. - They are vastly different.

Do you give out tickets?

Yes, I do.

Then you're a traffic warden.

Anyway, lovely to see you again.

I'm glad you've maintained that snap-on hairdo.

It's like a lego hat, innit?

Come on, nan, let's go.

Oh, looks like this was named after you.

That is grossly offensive to an officer of the law.

Well, it's what most people call traffic wardens, anyway.

Ta ta, square head!

(Nan and Jamie chattering indistinctly)

- (Muffled party music playing) - (Muffled shouting)

Jamie: I'll go and have a word with them.

No, leave off.

What you gonna do, invite them

to a "find the goddess within" workshop?

No, I'll just ask them politely.

Like a chicken shit?

What do you call me?

Chicken... shit.

Nobody calls me chicken shit!

Well, I do all the time.

I'll sort it.

No, leave off, Marty mcfly, I'll deal with this.

Nan, don't. They sound really drunk.

Nah, it's all right, son,

I once knocked out a skinhead in magaluf.

I think I can handle a couple of pissed-up rugby lads.

- (Party music blaring) - (Noisy shouting)

(Whistles)

(Music stops)

Now, listen up! Millennials!

- (Muffled thud) - (People cheering)

I said, "shove it up your arse,

"it's only Tuesday."

(All laughing)

(Cheering)

Oh! Give us another bit of lemon,

that's repeating on me!

- Get her one, come on! - Come on, let's go again!

- Down again! - (Cheering)

Hello.

(Muffled) Hello, darlin'!

Hello, jame. It's my grandson.

Come down and see me. Come down and see me!

Nan, don't you think we should be getting some rest?

No! I'm hanging with me squad!

Meet me pals. This is froggo,

this is mabbo, this is nutsack,

this is piss up, this is crystal meth Cathy,

- this is arsemunch... - Arsemunch.

And this one here on the end, this is Dan.

- He's gonna kill us all. - Yep.

Come on! Do a shot!

All: Do a shot! Do a shot!

No, I don't want to, nan. I've gotta be up early.

All: Drink, drink, drink, dnnk, dnnk, dnnk, dnnk!

And I've gotta drive in the morning!

Shame! Boo! Come on then, nutsack.

Load me up again!

(Cheering)

(Cheering noisily)

- (Laughter) - (Burping)

(All cheer and laugh)

Oh! Look out, here she is...

- Sir Ken dodd. - (Group laughing)

Are you aware that you're being drunk and disorderly?

Are you aware how much like k.D. Iang you look?

Keep your voice down, people are trying to sleep.

Nan: Their loss.

They won't get another chance to catch

crystal meth Cathy burp the alphabet!

Go on, love.

(Burps) (Grouplaughsandcheers)

Now listen,

it's all just a laugh with people like you.

Coming in, taking advantage of the system

and good hard-working people like me.

I had to rebuild my life 'cause of you.

While you remain oblivious

to the damage you cause all around ya.

Well, now that I've got you in my sights again,

I won't let you out of it.

And I will have my revenge...

In this world or the next.

Right, yep, sounds like a plan.

- Yep, see ya! - (Burps)

(Group cheers and laughs)

(Burps) (Groupcheers)

Is that from gladiator?

All: Nan! Nan! Nan! Nan! Nan! Nan! Nan! Nan!

- Can't hear ya! - (Dance music playing)

- What's my name? - (Laughing and whooping)

- Come on, then! - Yeah!

(Music stops)

(Dance music resumes)

Whoo!

Better take me angina pill.

(Cackles)

Here we go!

Oh... (Cackles)

What's up, nan?

I dropped me pill!

You wanna drop a pill?

Yeah, dropped me pill.

Are you sure?

Well, 'course I'm sure!

- (Legend! {Nanlaughs)

(Dance music continues)

(Laughter)

Oh, that's it! You found it!

- Thank you, arsemunch. - (Chuckles)

(Laughs)

- Delicious. - (Both laugh)

Mm? Mm?

(Giggles)

Oh... oh, oh, oh, oh... Here we go! (Cackles)

I need... I need to come in.

In you go.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Nan? Nan?

Oi! Oi!

- Jamie! What's up? - Where's my nan?

(Nan cackling)

- Fuckin' have it! - (Crowd cheering)

(Nan grunting)

(Continues grunting)

(Yelling and cackling)

(Cheering continues)

(Squealing softly)

- (Crowd cheering) - (Dance music continues)

Jamie: Excuse me!

Nan: Ooh! Mind me canary!

Nan! Nan!

(Cackles)

Hello there, sweetheart!

(Chuckles)

It's like...

It's like being on the moon, innh, eh?

Are we on the moon?

Jamie: We're in liverpool, nan.

Nan: No!

Ain't it amazing how the feet get on the floor,

and theyju...

(Singsongy) Oh, officer mahler!

- Get off! - Bring it in...

Oh... (Laughs)

Here... oh, it's a nice bit of kit, love.

- (Siren whoops) - That is police property!

- Jamie: Nan... - Jame, put the hat on me.

Have a go with the hat. Ha-ha.

(Zipper sounding)

All units.

Officer on radio: Location, please, officer mahler.

Roger that.

- Can you hear that as well? - Yeah.

Oh, look... Ooh, how's that happened?

All right.

Oh... you can leave me here, jame.

- Oh, no. - I like it here!

Oh, it's nice. Look at the sky.

-No, nan.

Put that hat on.

Put that on your head, love. Put that on.

Cover that up.

I love the scouse.

I love the scouse. I do, darlin'.

Why do I love the scouse so much, jame?

Mind you, I don't know how

anyone understands what they're saying. Hollyoaks.

T's all... (Gurgles) Innh, eh?

(Gurgles) ...And a... (Gurgles).

Where is she? Mwah...

I love that one! Mwah, mwah, mwah...

- Come on, nan. - Mwah, mwah...

Jamie: Come on.

Oh, she's my favourite scouser!

Ooh, look how many stairs.

(Door closes)

I will get you, old woman. I will get you.

Careful... shit.

I love you, jame... Oh, ain't that soft, eh?

Ah... you know...

You know that though, don't you? You know that.

I do, nan.

Yes, you know 'cause you are a good boy.

I know, nan.

- No, down here, nan. - You are a good boy.

Ah, yeah... do you know that?

You know it, don't you?

(Nan sighs)

Er, listen...

- What? - I didn't say anything.

Shh!

I can be an absolute mare to you, I know.

I know.

And I don't... I don't...

So fuckin' soft, this is...

I don't... I don't always tell you how I feel.

Jamie: Mm.

But I am telling you now, right now...

(Mumbles indistinctly)

What's under there? Look at this!

Look at the little hands.

Yeah, I am telling you, son...

You make me so proud.

I love you, darlin'.

Thanks, nan, I love you too.

(Chuckles)

And I do miss my Nell.

Oh... I miss her.

(Farting)

(Coughing)

Nan: Oh, get up, you lazy bastard!

Come on, we've got a spa to get to!

Well, that was nice while it lasted.

Ooh, useless. No stamina.

(Farts) Ooh. That was one I didn't want.

Jamie: Right, let's go to Nell's.

Nan: We're going to coventry! (Burps) Ooh... manners.

Jamie: Oh, hello.

Our favourite traffic warden's up early.

What an absolute fruitcake.

- (Mobile chimes) - Oh.

Nan, who keeps texting ya?

Oh, we've got a group chat, me and the lads.

Froggo's just sent me a photo of him spewing on a cat.

(Laughs) That's just... Classic froggo, that is.

Did you ever get together with Walter?

Chicken bites, chicken skewers,

pork shots. High in protein, big on flavour.

I mean, absolutely delicious.

Look at that!

They've squashed all that meat into one tasty mouthful.

- (Smacks lips) Smashing. - Nan!

(Music playing on stereo)

Nan: Go on, jame, your turn.

-(Rapping) My name is Jamie -yeah!

- Hip hip hooray! - Yep!

-I drive a minibus -yep!

- Because... - Because I'm gay

roll call!

That's it. Yeah!

That's it, that's the way it goes. Yeah.

I mean, "hip hip hooray" bit was pony.

But you're only starting out, it's all right.

(Car horns blaring)

(Rock 'n' roll music playing on stereo)

(Imperceptible)

Gotta say, nan, I'm really impressed with your stamina.

It's amazing how you...

(Snores)

(Grunts softly)

Sorry, nan, but we've come too far.

(Motorbike engine roaring)

(Irish music playing)

(Tyres squeal)

- (Seagulls squawking) - Oh... oh...

(Nan continues snoring)

Don't wake up. Please don't wake up!

- (People shouting) - (Nan continues snoring)>

(retching)

(Nan continues snoring)

(Car horns honking)

People: (Singing) Olé! Ole! Olé! Ole!

Oh... (Exclaims)

Oosh! What's that?

Where am I?

(People continue singing)

I'm not in Ireland, am I?

Am I in Ireland?

I'm in fucking Ireland?

What have you done?

Sorry, nan. I just thought

we can't go back, so we may as well go fonnard.

If you don't wanna see Nell, that's fine,

but I'd like to meet her. You can just wait in the bus.

Oh, all right. Come on, then.

But after we've had a quick drink, eh?

Proper guinness, quench me thirst, then we'll be off.

Guinness? It's 9:00am.

When in Rome.

Both: (Singing) And it's no, nay, never

go on, my son!

No, nay, never, no more

will I play the wild rover

no, never, no more!

(Laughter)

Come on, nan, we should get going.

Oh, my grandson Jamie.

Here, come and meet my new best friend, Mick.

I love your nan! What a treat, you lucky fella.

Yeah. She's a real prize.

Ooh, look, what you got there?

M-M-M. What's that stand for? Mick Mick Mick?

- You got a stutter? - (Both laughing)

She's the best!

Nan: Listen to that accent, jame.

Everything he says sounds like good news on a sunny morning.

Well, you say that, but I have my dark days.

Lilting melody.

Sometimes I struggle to get up in the morning...

I've never been properly diagnosed,

but I'm pretty sure I have clinical depression.

A real tonic you are, son! I could listen to him all day.

- You have, nan. - (Laughs)

Come on, we've gotta go.

Nan: Mick needs a lift.

One for the road, son'?

Yeah, let's. Why not drown me sorrows, huh?

- (Laughs) - See what I mean.

(Cackles)

Shabooya, roll call!

Shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

My name is Mick

- nan and Jamie: Yeah! - I've drank a lot

- nan and Jamie: What? - I'm feeling sick now

- nan: Yes! - That's all I've got

roll call!

That is how you do it!

Shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

See? Excellent work!

Shabooya-yah-yah

shabooya, roll call!

(All laughing)

What's all this back here?

It's craft therapy.

Here, Mick, Mick, Mick,

make yourself a mood cube. You'll enjoy that!

- Yeah, I'll give it a go. - (Mick & nan laugh)

Pork shots?

(Mick & nan laugh)

Whoops! (Laughing)

Butter fingers!

Don't worry, love, there's plenty more

where they came from. (Laughs)

Wait, what time is it?

It's 2.30.

Oh, we're early.

Early for what?

Turn right up ahead and then the next left.

Why?

My god! No offence,

but there's a distinct smell of urine in here.

No offence taken, darling, not with that voice.

(Soft music playing over radio)

Here, I've gotta say, son,

you were right. It's magical up here.

Look at this!

Jamie: So?

Nan: Oh, leave off with the reminiscing.

I'm enjoying the view.

Why don't you go and help Mick,

Mick, Mick with his mood cube?

Jamie: Oh, come on, nan, tell me.

You must have been upset about Nell and Walter.

Nan: (Clicks tongue) Well, course I was.

But I had no choice, did I? I had to get on with me life

and forget all about him.

Problem was I'd see him everywhere.

And my heart would skip a beat.

And, lswear, the way he'd look at me.

Young Nell: Come on.

Nan: And then, one day...

(Sighs)

Not now, Terry, I'm not in the mood.

Yourfella told me to give you this.

I thought you'd be sad if you didn't get it.

Thanks.

I hope you get what makes you happy, joanie.

Walter: Dearest joanie,

I've been deployed and leave for France tonight.

I need to see you before I go.

Please come and meet me at the station.

I beg you. Don't tell Nell. Walter.

Here, what you got there?

Just another bleedin' love letter from tel.

Oh. Poor fella. He doesn't give up, does he?

Nan: At work, I could barely contain me excitement.

(Big band music playing)

Ooh, is that a new hat, fee?

Here, lil, ain't it your birthday today?

- Lil: Yeah. - Good luck to ya.

(Laughing and chattering)

Ooh, look at you! All dolled up.

You've been grinning like a loon all day.

- (Laughs) - What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I'm just feeling... I don't know, hopeful.

Oh, here, have you got a minute?

I've got some wonderful news. Been waiting to tell ya.

(Gasps)

What is it?

You'll never believe it.

I'm expecting.

You what?

How about that? You're gonna be an auntie.

You're having a baby?

Yeah. Smashing, innit?

And you'll have to look after me while he's away.

You will look after me, won't you, joanie?

Does he know?

Well, hadn't you better tell him?

Well, he's going to war, joanie.

I don't want to burden him with it.

Walter needs a clear head,

not worried about me and a baby. And then,

when he gets back, it'll be a lovely surprise

and then we can get married.

Oh. Ain't life wonderful?

Yeah.

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

(Melancholy music playing)

- (Whistle blows) - (Indistinct chatter)

Walter: You came.

Nell wants to get married. To me.

I gathered.

I'm very fond of her, you know that.

Er, looks like it.

I got carried away thinking

I could have fun with both of you.

This damn war made me feel

like I could act like there was no tomorrow.

Look, it's all right.

And it wasn't fair.

And I'm sorry it! Hurt you.

Please, don't.

But the truth is,

if there is a tomorrow,

it's you I'd want to spend it with, not her.

Oh. Walter.

Well, I don't know where you got that idea from,

because the feeling's not mutual.

You don't mean that.

Oh, don't I? I... I only let you pal around

with me and Nell because I knew she was sweet on ya.

I mean, what would I want with a big iongshanks like you?

Joanie, I'm being serious.

So am I. Now get on that train.

This can't be true.

Well, it is, Walter. And the sooner you get it

into that fat yank head of yours, the better.

Now get on that train and go and do

something useful with your life.

(Softly) Please.

Joanie, you're killing me.

This could be the last time we ever see each other.

Oh, well. Ta, ta.

(Sad music playing)

(Indistinct chatter)

Joanie, I swear I will make a good life for you.

I will do everything I can to make you happy.

I will be your rock. I will be your heart.

Please, joanie. Will you marry me?

Yes.

No, I'm sorry, isaid, "will you marry me?"

I know, and I said yes.

(Triumphant music playing)

Jamie: Wow.

How'd he react?

He shit himself.

I don't think either of us were expecting it.

We did a quick registry office

and moved in together.

It was quite the weekend.

Mick: Finished. Jamie: Wow, that's amazing.

What's all this then, Mick, Mick, Mick?

Represents the struggle for dominance

between man and beast.

The machine that tries to belittle him,

and how the only way to beat the cruel system of capitalism

is to blow it up from the inside.

And I thought it was a gonk.

Jamie: Feeling better?

I won't lie, I do.

See? The healing power of crafts.

- (Mobile chimes) - Erm, froggo again.

Woman: (Over radio) It's the 4am news,

and gardal' are still on the hunt for an arson/st

who planted explosives in a factory fire in kildare.

(Cackling)

The last suspected attack

believed to be as recent as Tuesday.

- (Mumbles indistinctly) - Garda believe the arson/st

to be a militant animal rights activist

who is considered extremely dangerous

and to be avoided at all costs.

It's all happening in Ireland, innit?

Describe him as a man with dark hair, deep-set eyes,

and a tattoo on his arm with the letters m—m—m.

And now for the weather.

I'm afraid there's more doom and gloom.

Mick, Mick, Mick.

"Meat means murder."

Oh? Right.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

(Radio broadcast continues indistinctly)

Well, we better make a move.

Yeah, busy schedule.

Yeah, I've got to go see my sister. She's dying.

- Get in the Van. - What?

Get in the Van.

- (Sinister music playing) - I've gotta say, even now,

it's hard not to feel charmed. (Sniffs)

Mick: Let's all take a nice drive to the countryside.

What are you gonna do?

"We." what are "we" gonna do?

We're gonna blow up a farm.

A farm? With what?

With this.

Oh-ho, no, we're not, son. As we know,

I'm not immune to your dulcet tones,

but I've gotta draw the line somewhere.

Mick: You know, there's a good way to live,

and there's a bad way.

And the bad way is walking away from what's right.

And what's a good way?

It doesn't matter. Now you don't have a choice.

- Ah, done it again. - What are you doin'?

I'm not a monster, I'm on a mission.

You don't know what they do to them.

- To whom? - To the animals.

- Don't. - (Groaning)

Now that's a waste. They're already dead.

The way they treat them.

Bred from birth to die in horrific circumstances.

- It's just not right! - (Jamie groans)

All right, son. Keep it light.

All I did was let the animals go free,

and then burn down the buildings. Is that a crime?

Nan: Well, yeah, course it is. Jamie: Definitely a crime.

- What do you want with my nan? - Collateral.

She comes with me and then

when we're done, you drive us away.

Are you touched?

I'm not blowing up a fucking farm.

I'm a pensioner.

I'm not spending me last few years in a cell

fighting off a woman called Beth.

That's an offensive stereotype.

Oh, wake up and smell the lesbian.

Orange might be the new black.

But they still wanna have a go

up your clacker when the lights go out.

(Dramatic music playing)

(Engine stops)

Security takes ten minutes to change shift.

That's gonna be our window.

So let's get in position before the guard comes out.

Come on. When you get the signal,

you step on it and come and get us

and then we get the hell out of here, all right?

What's the signal?

A bloody great big explosion. That be enough for ya?

- Yeah. - Okay, let's go. Come on.

You've got it all caught.

Get the seatbelt off first, please.

Oh, that's all I need!

- (Nan arguing indistinctly) - (Suspenseful music playing)

Nan: Oh.

(Nan speaking indistinctly)

I mean, this is all I need, I can tell you that much.

I shouldn't be here.

I'm supposed to be cashing in me wowchers.

All I wanted was to get a Paul Hollywood

and see coventry.

Nah. But instead, I'm handcuffed

to Daniel o-fucking-donnell.

- Oh, no. - What?

- Oh, I need the lav. - You're joking me.

No, no.

Oh, we'll have to go over there.

Ooh, quick. Oh, quick.

Quick.

Let me behind this bush.

Oh, come on, it's fallin' out of me.

Mick: Ugh! Nan: Let's get this done.

-(Knocking on window) (Screams)

Hello, mate.

Are you lost?

Yeah, I am, actually.

What are you lookin' for?

You're pretty far away from anywhere.

I'm looking...

Looking, looking...

Looking to get into the security game.

- You? - Yep.

Yeah, right.

Man: Open the door.

Your mini bus says...

(Nan farting) Ooh!

Find me a dock leaf, son.

It's running down the back of me legs.

Mick: Mind my shoes!

Yeah, it's a long story.

Is it?

(Suspenseful music playing)

Nan: I don't know what they put

in them fridge rustlers.

But it definitely don't go with 12 pints of guinness!

- (Groans and farts) - Mick: (Groans) Fuck me!

We've got, erm, buttons, shells, feathers,

googly eyes, crayons.

My wife finds colouring in very soothing.

- Oh, does she? - Yeah.

I'm not great with crayons,

but I've tried a bit of origami

and I was surprisingly nimble.

That's nice.

Come on then, Mick, Mick, Mick.

Let's do this, you mad vegan fucker.

(Upbeat music playing)

Actually, I've put a lot of posts on pinterest.

Oh, right.

(Upbeat music continues)

It was decoupage that changed the paradigm for me.

- Really? - Oh, absolute game-changer.

You have to have the precision of a sniper

and the gossamer-like touch of a butterfly's wing.

Look, you seem like a really nice man

and I love that you get so much out of papier-maché,

but I'm in a really complicated situation.

Decoupage is not papier-maché. It's more glaze based.

My mistake. When I said papier-maché...

- (Hens clucking) - Hang on.

Nan: Oh, cluck. Cluck me.

- (Upbeat music continues) - Huh?

I'm coming!

Come on!

(Triumphant music playing)

Nan: I suppose we gotta make a move...

(Mutters indistinctly)

Jamie: Come on.

(Engine starts)

Jamie: Quickly, hurry up, get in!

That was amazing! Ha-ha!

You're a good man, Jamie. We saved all them chickens!

(All scream and gasp)

Nearly all of 'em.

- What do we do now? - Drive, drive!

- (Nan screaming) - Go, go, go, go!

(Both laughing)

Mick: Yeah!

Nan: Now this is what I call a proper day out!

(All screaming)

(Mick and nan whooping)

Nan: Oh!

(Police siren wailing)

-Ahh. No. _th

I think I lost 'em.

Come on, then, Mick. Aah!

- Oh, no. - Wooo.

(Sirens wailing)

Jamie: This is insane.

(Helicopter blades whirring in distance)

What do we do now?

I am buzzing.

I gotta say,

I could see how you could get a taste for all this,

Mick, Mick, Mick. Whoo!

I've never felt so alive. I'm buzzing.

Is this what they mean when they say it, eh?

Because I am buzzing.

I do feel like I'm buzzing.

It makes me wonder what I've been doing all my life.

Well, we didn't just do it for the buzz.

There was a point to what we did.

Oh, I see.

Can you uncuff my nan, please?

I can't. I chucked the key out the window, remember?

- You got a saw back here? - (Nan sighs)

It's a craft mobile for people with emotional difficulties.

I don't carry sharp objects.

Well, I guess we're stuck together then, aren't we?

(Nan cackles)

We need to get out of the country

and then we'll work it out.

Get out of the country?

We're wanted criminals. There'll be police everywhere.

And they'll be watching the airports, the sea ports.

- (Nan mumbles) - It's only a matter of time.

I think we should hand ourselves in.

Oh, calm down, you big old Mary Ann.

You're harshing my vibe.

We're going to the island off of Ireland,

hiding Mick from the police.

- (Mobile phone chimes) - Oh.

Oh, god.

(Cackles)

Oh, I've got an idea.

(Keys clacking)

- Still buzzing, you know. - (Men screaming)

(Laughs)

All done.

Oh, thanks for helping out, aussies.

Ah, you're welcome, nan.

We wanted to see the island off of Ireland, anyway.

- Aussies on tour. - Are we all ready?

(All cheering)

Jamie: Come on, we gotta be quick.

Come on then! Let's go the island

that is off of Ireland

la-la-la-la hey

la-la-la-la hey

let's go to the island

that is off of Ireland

(upbeat music playing)

All: Shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

-My name is arsemunch -all: Yeah!

-And I drink beer -all: Yeah!

-While playing rugby -all: Yeah!

I hope we win

ruined it.

Roll call

shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

Shabooya-yah-yah shabooya, roll call!

Mick: Oh, shit.

Jamie: Get your head down, Mick.

- Nan. - Nan: There we go.

(Siren wails)

Man 1: Jamie, you can do this.

You're an Australian rugby player

from Australia in Ireland.

Man 2: Keep your voice down.

G'day, officer.

Officer: Morning, lads.

All: G'day, officer.

G'day, officer.

Where are you boys off to?

Big game.

Man: Yeah. Woman: Who's in here?

The rugby team?

Man: Oh, yeah, just us boys.

Mahler: Oh, really?

Justus boys, is it?

(Bad Australian accent) Yeah!

Just us boys!

Here enjoying a couple of tinnies.

And saving babies from dingoes, Sarah.

- Man: What's she saying? - _iishell?

It's how we identify.

Oh, yeah.

I need a number plate checked.

- Nan: We're fluid. - Ar 02.

Non-binary.

Eco-friendly.

Queer.

(Sniffs)

There is a distinct smell of urine in this mini bus.

That was nutsack.

Take that wig off.

It's stuck to my head.

Take that wig off!

I can't hear you!

We're fucked.

You're not. It's me they want.

I knew it was you.

Oh, well done, scouse Sherlock.

Man: (On radio) That number plate matches the bee Van.

That's him. He's in here!

Oh, god. We're trapped.

Officer: All units, suspect in the Van,

in the blue-purple Van.

They only want me.

Well, you might be Ireland's most wanted,

but I've got a bit of form meself.

No regrets. Promise me you'll see your sister.

What are you talking about?

Thought you threw that out of the window.

Tullamore child magician of the year, 1994.

I don't need 'em no more.

Go and see Nell. I mean it.

Man: Open the boot, open the boot.

Close the boot, close the boot.

(All clamouring)

What a smashing fella.

Violent, angry, dangerous.

Everything you'd want in a vegan.

(Cackles)

(All screaming)

(Engine revving)

(All whooping and cheering)

Nan: I could vomit,

I could vomit, I could vomit.

But in a good way, in a good way I could vomit.

(Cackling)

Whoo!

All: Let's go to the island

that is off of Ireland

la-la-la-la hey

la-la-la-la hey

let's go to the island

that is off of Ireland

la-la-la-la hey

la-la-la-la hey

nan, nan, look.

- (Siren wailing) - Man 1: Gotta make this ferry.

Man 2: No ferry, no beer.

Man 1: Before they do all the fuckin' booze.

This is all your fault.

We're only here because of you.

I mean, I'm supposed to be in a day spa in coventry

with my legs up, having hot wax

poured all over me noon.

Which, as crystal meth Cathy reliably informed me,

is the correct definition of an Hollywood.

(Punk rock playing)

(Siren wailing)

I mean, that fella off the bake off,

he ain't gonna be there. Nothing to do with him.

He won't be anywhere in sight.

Take all your hair off.

Mary Berry wouldn't stand for that.

- My name is nutsack! - All: Not now!

Jamie: She's gaining on us.

Man: This woman stops me getting a drink...

- (Jamie breathing heavily) - Jamie,

pull yourself together.

For god's sake, calm down.

Jamie: I can't go any faster.

Hyperventilating clown. What's the matter with ya?

Jamie: The law, she's an officer of the law.

Nan: She's a fucking traffic warden.

Man: Lose her, mate. She can't stop us.

Man 2: No ferry, no beer.

Man 3: Quick, the ferry's leaving.

(All screaming)

It's okay, I'm sorry.

- We missed it, nan. - We haven't! You can do it!

Or are you just chicken shit?

- What did you call me? - Chicken shit.

Nobody calls me chicken shit.

- Chicken shit! Did it again. - Chicken shit!

Froggo just called you chicken shit!

Chicken shit! Chicken shit!

- (All chanting) Chicken shit! - I am not chicken shit!

(All screaming)

(Siren wailing)

(All screaming)

Froggo: The copper's missed!

- I'll get you, old woman! - (Siren wailing distorts)

You nailed it, Jamie!

(Ferry horn blows)

(Seagulls cawing)

Well, I gotta hand it to you.

You got me there in the end.

Yeah, I did.

So, go on, then.

You had a whirlwind wedding with Terry.

Yeah, I married tel.

And Walter went off to war.

Then Terry spent every night interfering with me.

Sometimes twice if he had an early shift.

Nan, didn't need to know all that.

(Laughs) Well, you did ask.

And then, four months later, that was it.

War was over.

Ceasefire.

Peace.

(Bells ringing)

(Cheering and indistinct chatter)

(Band playing)

Nan: And after all those years,

all that chaos and commotion,

- suddenly... - (Music stops abruptly)

It all stopped.

And Walter came back to make an honest woman of Nell.

Young Nell: (Chuckles) Oh. Ah.

Oh, do you think I look nice?

Here, you're lucky you're not showin'.

You are sweet, joanie.

What are you talking about?

(Sighs) Come on, Joan.

I'm not really pregnant.

- I never was. - What?

I thought you'd have worked that out by now.

I'm not a tart.

I saw that note Walter wrote to you.

I thought, "I'm not having that. He's mine." (Chuckles)

Oh, come on, joanie.

What did mum always say?

"All's fair in love and war."

(Screams and groans)

What'd you do that for? What's wrong with you?

- Get off! - You say sorry.

(Rock music playing)

You pathetic lump of lard.

It's my wedding day.

Well, then, go and get married.

You wouldn't have known what to do with him anyway.

You're a piece of work, Nell.

I gave him up for you!

- Ah! - (Clattering)

He wouldn't have wanted you.

But he did, Nell.

And you took him just because you couldn't...

What the bleedin' hell is going on in here?

(Fabric tearing)

(Young Nell groans)

(Whimpers)

The day you were born, daddy told me

to always look after you and I always have.

But that ends today.

- You are dead to me. - (Young Nell laughs)

Don't be so dramatic, joanie.

Today's supposed to be a celebration.

Tel: It is, Nell.

Because if I've read this situation correctly,

we don't ever have to see you again.

Well said, tel.

Shall we?

(Melancholy music playing)

Jamie: Couldn't you have been with Walter then,

once you knew the truth?

No, I was a married woman.

That's not how things were done.

So, that's why you never speak to auntie Nell?

She stole my life.

I got lumbered with tel.

While she swanked off into the sunset drinking champagne

and snorting caviar,

or whatever it is heavy-chested girls get to do.

Yeah, but you had a nice life with grandad tel, didn't ya?

It was all right.

But it wasn't what I deserved.

I did everything right.

And look where it got me.

All: We are on the island

that is off of Ireland

la-la-la-la hey

la-la-la-la hey

we are on the island

that is off of Ireland

la-la-la-la hey

la-la-la-la hey

(goats bleating)

(Man laughing)

(Men speaking indistinctly)

(Nan sighs)

Here, I'll tell you what,

we'll always have that ferry jump.

(All laughing)

Oh, er, quick question.

What is there to do on the island off of Ireland, nan?

Oh, nothing, darling.

No, I mean, it's an absolute tip.

Still, there's another ferry tomorrow.

(Cackles) (Manlaughs)

- Tally-ho, sweethearts. - Bye, nan.

Jamie: We're really grateful, thanks very much.

Hey, well done, tough guy.

You really think I'm tough?

Well, no. Not now you said that. (Laughs)

Boom, explosion, shrapnel.

- (Cackles) - Legend.

Man: Her name is nan all: Yeah!

-And she is lairy -yeah!

-She dropped a pill -yeah!

-And jumped a ferry -yeah!

Oh. (Clicks tongue) Oh.

Poor old Mick, Mick, Mick.

Do you think he'll be all right in prison?

Yeah.

Everyone loves magic.

It's all right.

Yeah. (Chuckles softly)

Shall we go home now?

You're so close, nan.

Let's go home.

Hmm.

Chicken shit.

(Laughs)

Touché, son.

Touche.

(Nan laughs)

I meant it, what I said, you know?

Jamie: What's that, nan?

I am proud of you.

You remembered saying that?

Nan: Of course I remember.

- (Mellow music playing) - Also meant it

when I blew off in your face. (Cackles)

- Thanks, nan. - Nan: Yeah.

(Engine starts)

(Mellow music continues playing)

(Engine stops)

I'll wait here for a bit,

let you say hello,

get reacquainted.

What are you gonna do?

I've got my crafts, haven't I?

(Mellow music continues playing)

You've come up and seen me.

I've come up and seen you.

You've come up and seen me, ain't ya?

I've come up and seen you.

Well, you are a good girl.

You look rough.

- Well, I'm dying. - Nan: Oh.

Read your letter.

No need to keep banging on about it.

(Music continues playing)

- (Music stops) - (Door closes)

You've landed on your feet, as usual.

In what way?

Living in paradise.

- Look at this place. - We've made do.

Made do?

Where's Walter, then?

He's upstairs getting ready.

I think he's a bit nervous to see you after all this time.

So I'm here, then.

Got what you wanted?

You want to show me your perfect life

in your perfect house with your perfect man?

You want me to see all the things you stole from me,

so you can have one last thrill before you go?

You always resented me, Nell.

And all I ever did was try and look after ya.

(Footsteps approaching)

(Whimsical music playing)

Hello, joanie.

Joanie, it's me.

(Music intensifies)

Nell: Say hello to Walter.

Hmm.

You...

It's wonderful to see you. I've missed you.

We both have.

Nan: Erm...

Who is it?

Walter: It's me, joanie.

- Who is it? - Joanie, it's me.

What? So, erm...

You look well.

Hmm.

How long has this been going on?

All our lives.

We came out here for some privacy.

I suppose it wasn't as accepted as it is now.

We had to keep ourselves to ourselves.

Er, so you

both wear dresses?

Yeah, sometimes we share them.

He has tremendous taste in fashion.

Oh, it's...

"He."

"He," is it?

Yep.

Vvhats, el”

what's going on? Am I... Am I having a stroke?

It's a lot to process, but it's still me.

I've just always felt happier in women's clothing.

I'm still a man in every respect.

If you understand my meaning.

We have a voracious sex life.

All right, sailor, I don't need all the details.

(Walter laughs and chuckles)

Well, I've gotta admit,

I never saw that coming.

Neither did I.

Really?

(Big band music playing)

Is that chiffon you're wearing?

Are those buttons mother of Pearl?

Fair enough.

So when did you find out about all this?

On our wedding night.

His drawers were frillier than mine.

Hmm.

(Cackling)

(All laughing)

Look at the size of the shoes.

(All laughing)

- They're like boats! - (All laughing hysterically)

Oh, I do feel better.

Oh, that has cheered me up. I mean, all these years

I thought you'd been living the perfect life.

Little did I know most of it's

been spent arguing over

who looks best in a feathered muumuu. (Laughs)

(Laughing) A muumuu!

Whoo! That can't have been easy.

Well, I'm glad you had a rough ride of it an' all.

Well, how did you have a rough ride?

You were with Terry. He was your soulmate, wasn't he?

We all thought you were meant to be.

Terry? Terry?

(Soft romantic music playing)

(Gloomy music playing)

Ineverreahsed.

(Scoffs)

It's always the way, though, innit?

You don't appreciate what you've had till it's gone.

He was a wonderful man.

My Terry.

He loved me so much.

Obsessed with my arsehole.

But, other than that, a proper gent. (Sniffles)

- (Knocking on door) - Jamie: Hello?

Oh, here's me grandson.

He's drove me all this way.

Oh, he's a good boy.

- Is it all right it! Come in? - Walter: Come in.

Nan: Come and meet youraunfie.

Nell: Oh.

Oh, I do love a corduroy collar.

Thanks.

(Nell chuckling)

Jamie: Lovely to meet you.

Nan: Look how big your hat is there.

"Our life through a series of gorgeous outfits". All right.

Oh, very nice. Wear it well, don't ya?

Nell: Oh... Nan: Yeah, that's very, er...

- That was new year. - Jamie: Yeah. Nice.

It's very, innit, eh?

Here's his power dressing.

Nell: Mmm. Nan: Innit, eh?

He's got a cape on that suit.

It's a scarf.

Oh, it's a scarf. Do excuse me.

(Laughs) It was a scarf.

Yeah, it's, it's a pashmina.

Oh, a pashmina, this one, see? Have you met? (Laughs)

Jamie: I'll give you a minute.

I hated what Nell did to us.

Took me a long time to forgive her for keeping us apart.

Well...

She stole our lives.

- I mean... - Butshe...

She changed.

She regretted hurting you.

And I grew to love her.

So maybe I ended up with the right sister, after all.

Did I?

100%.

Hands up, I don't think

I could have got on board with any of this.

(Chuckung)

You really are marvellous.

(Chuckles)

I don't know what to say.

Then don't.

You conniving old 'ore.

You miserable old shithouse.

(Giggles sadly)

Joanie, I just want you to know...

Yeah.

Me, too.

You okay, nan?

I will be.

We're in trouble, aren't we?

Like, really serious criminal trouble?

Nah.

Aii's fair in love and war.

Come on, son, let's go home.

(Engine starts)

(Grunts softly)

- (Brakes screech) - (Both screaming)

(Groaning)

- (Nan screams) - (Jamie laughs)

Thank you, arsemunch! Good effort, son.

- Arsemunch: Love you, nan! - (Jamie and nan laugh)

Nan: Well, that turned out to be

a very multi-layered road trip.

You'll have a field day with your cartoons.

(Upbeat music playing)

Prisoners: Mick! Mick! Mick! Mick! Mick!

Ta-da!

Whoo!

It's not over!

- (Farts) - (Laughs)

See ya!

(Laughing)

Nan: Oh, sweetheart.

- You're back! - Hi!

Oh, do join us.

What a fucking Liberty! (Laughing)

(Upbeat music playing)

All together now!

(Upbeat music continues playing)

(Music stops)

(Soft music playing)