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Look at him. Breaks my heart.

Poor little guy, all alone.

I don't see why

- his brother can't sit with him. - Come on, Mary.

When you were in high school, would you have lunch

- with a nine-year-old? - Yes, I would've.

Well, there's something wrong with you.

I'm gonna keep him company.

Hey, hey, hey, Mary. Mary.

Think this through. Right now the kids

are just ignoring Sheldon.

What happens if he's sitting with his mommy?

They could mistake me for a senior.

Well, I look younger than you.

Just give this time, all right?

It'll work itself out.

My mother never understood

that I actually enjoyed being alone.

Solitude allowed me to think about important things,

like the effect of gravitational forces

as you approach an event horizon,

as opposed to less important things,

like how many grapes my brother can fit in his mouth.

14!

Yeah!

Jean-Paul Sartre said,

"Hell is other people."

That's humorous because it's true.

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Something wrong?

How come math is easy for Sheldon

and hard for me?

I don't know, honey,

but you have your own gifts.

Like what?

Well, like...

you have very pretty hair.

True.

Georgie.

Would you do me a tiny little favor?

Like what?

Tomorrow at lunch, would you mind

sitting with your brother?

Don't do it, Georgie.

You stay out of this.

I ate with him in second grade.

It really hurt my social life.

Sorry, Mom. Can't do it.

Why are you such a brat?

Maybe I'm crying for attention.

This isn't a joke, young lady.

Yes, your brother may be smart,

but he doesn't have a friend in the world.

And I am sorry, but I am very worried about him.

Nice going. You're making Mom a nervous wreck.

What did I do?

You don't have any friends, and she is beside herself.

But I'm fine without friends.

I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.

She said it's your fault.

I'm going to watch ALF.

Science fact:

sisters are the worst.

When you're three foot ten

and in high school,

getting from point "A"

to point "B" can be a harrowing experience.

But it's worth it when point "B" is...

the library.

Home to the original information superhighway,

the Dewey Decimal System.

Hey there, Sheldon.

What can I get for you today?

Chemistry?

Quantum mechanics? Astronomy?

No, nothing fun today.

I need to learn how to make a friend.

Aw, honey, you having a hard time

adjusting to high school?

I'm having a hard time adjusting to Earth.

Yeah. You and me both.

Try this.

It's been around a while, but it's still quite popular.

Unlike me,

who's just been around a while.

"How to Win Friends

and Influence People."

This might do it.

"Principle one.

Don't criticize, condemn or complain."

The three sharpest arrows

in my quiver.

Thus began the greatest challenge

of my young life.

Hello, George.

What?

I do admire your thick head of hair...

George.

Thanks.

What's going on?

Well, I'm practicing the principles in this book.

- Why? - Well, I know Mom is concerned

that I don't have any friends,

so I'm determined to remedy the situation.

Oh.

George.

Well, good for you.

Do you feel complimented

when I say your name, George?

The book says you should. George.

I suppose.

Kind of overdoing it a little.

- Sheldon. - Well, thank you

for your criticism.

It also says I should praise

any improvements that you've made.

Okay.

I'll get back to you.

George.

On the heels

of that successful beta test,

I decided to practice the Carnegie principles

on someone my own age.

- Hello, Billy Sparks. - Hey, Sheldon.

I am genuinely interested in you

and would like to encourage you to talk about yourself.

Billy Sparks.

Thank you.

You have the floor.

Thank you.

Looking back, I would've had better luck

making friends with the chickens.

Go Wolves.

What?

You're a cheerleader, and by saying

"Go Wolves," I'm initiating a conversation

about something that interests you.

Oh, are you one of those special ed kids?

My mom says I'm special.

Would you like to be friends?

I don't think so.

Are you sure? What if I told you

I admired your boldly-applied makeup?

Greetings from stall number one.

As much as I detest that odd-smelling cigarette,

I do applaud

your rule-breaking bravado.

My name is Sheldon. What's yours?

Hello, gentlemen.

Did you watch any sports programs over the weekend?

Or perhaps did some kissing with girls?

Can you hear me?

95, 96, 97.

98.

99, 100.

- You missed 11 numbers. - I don't need

to be good at math. I have beautiful hair.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Didn't you already read that book?

I'm reading it again.

How come?

I clearly missed something.

I couldn't find one person who wanted to be my friend.

Did you look at the card inside?

Why?

That's just other people who checked out the book.

It's a list of losers like you who can't find a friend.

So?

So they're desperate, and you have their names.

That's brilliant.

Mm.

Now, how is it that you can't count?

So your father tells me you've been reading a new book?

I am. It's about how to make friends.

Is that something you're interested in?

Not really, but Missy told me

it makes you sad that I don't have any.

Oh.

I got to sew that girl's mouth shut.

So how's it going?

Well, the principles in the book didn't work for me at all.

Although Dad does like being called George

over and over again, so you might give that a try.

Baby, you don't have to go to any trouble for me.

But I like doing things for you.

You're a nice lady.

- But if the book's not working... - It isn't.

But I realized if I find the other people

who checked out the book, they'd be looking for friends, too.

That's really smart.

- Missy thought of it. - You're kidding.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Excuse me, Ms. Ingram?

Sheldon, it's recess.

Go outside, see what it's like.

Are you by any chance Evelyn Ingram?

Yes.

The same Evelyn Ingram who checked out this book?

- And why is that your business? - I just

assumed you were looking to make a friend.

Oh.

Well, that was a long time ago.

I had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship.

- With a friend? - Friend.

Ha! I gave that man three years of my life

and my innocence.

I don't know what that means.

It means men are lying dogs only interested in one thing.

Well, that's not the dictionary definition.

Mm-hmm.

Always starts the same.

A quick glance across the room, a casual hand on the shoulder,

lunch at Stuckey's.

Oh, yeah, it's all romance

and flowers in the beginning...

The list proved to be a double-edged sword.

It turns out self-help books written in 1936

were only of interest to adults.

You're like, "I'm here because I care.

And by the way, your phone could make calls, too."

Then tries to turn this whole thing around

like it's all about you being needy,

and you're like, "Yes, I have needs!

That's what makes me human!"

Emotionally troubled adults.

Child, go outside.

Yes, that's my signature. Why do you ask?

I'm seeking people who want to make friends.

I wasn't interested in friends.

I took out that book to help me become school principal.

- Did it work? - Are we sitting in the principal's office?

- No. - And you know why?

Because Victoria MacElroy is not a man!

So to be clear, you're not interested in making friends?

What I'm interested in is in living long enough

to see women no longer treated like second-class citizens.

Well if your goal is a long life,

that chili cheeseburger is a step in the wrong direction.

Food is all I have.

Like I said,

emotionally troubled adults.

You gonna watch me eat?

Get out of here.

Everybody told me,

"Hubert, don't date someone from work."

But did I listen? No.

Let me tell you something. She likes to say

I stole her innocence?

Well, what about my innocence?

I was never the same after we broke up.

Two years later,

Mr. Givens became the high school principal,

which might be why Ms. MacElroy became morbidly obese.

I had the brains, I had the charm, and I don't like to brag,

but I was pretty easy on the eyes back then.

That woman got herself one heck of a package.

But some people don't want to be satisfied.

Is that any good?

I'm afraid not.

I failed to make a single friend.

That sucks. I have a tough time making friends, too.

The worst part is, it was important to my mom.

My parents pressure me about making friends all the time.

So you understand what I'm going through.

Oh, I read that book. It's excellent.

Are you into rocketry?

I started with water propulsion,

worked my way up to solid fuel,

then went back to water after I set our garage on fire.

- Nice. - I also tried to get some uranium

and build an atomic engine, but that stuff's hard to find.

Probably for the best.

Well, good luck on your quest to find a friend.

You, too.

If you haven't found one yet, I have good news.

Mom, what do you know about the drug Prozac?

Not much.

Supposed to make people happier. Why?

I was just thinking

some of my teachers might benefit from it.

Speaking of which,

you'll be happy to know I made a friend today.

Oh.

Well, that's nice.

But, as I said, this isn't for me.

It's for you.

He made a friend!

He did it!

Our little boy has got a friend.

- Who is it? - Who cares?

It's a human being. It's a warm body.

Mom?

Yes, honey?

- Can I come in? - Of course.

Be cool.

- What's up, sweetie? - I was wondering

when I could continue my rocketry hobby.

Uh, Sheldon, we've been through this.

You can build them. You just can't launch them.

But launching them is the fun part.

Tell that to the family of squirrels

who died in the fire.

Okay.

It was just something I was hoping to do with my new friend.

Hang on.

Uh, yes.

It's fine.

Ban is lifted.

- Mary... - It's for his friend.

He's got a friend.

Besides, those could have been rats.

Their bodies were so badly burned.

I thought we were being cool, but okay.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you invite your new buddy over for dinner?

- Why? - Well, honey,

um, that is what friends do.

My mother asked me to ask you

if you'd like to join us for dinner.

- Why? - I was hoping you'd know.

He's here!

Everybody, stay calm! Just a normal day,

- just a normal dinner. - Can I eat in front of the TV?

No, you can eat in front of Sheldon's friend.

- Aw, fudge. - I know what "fudge" means,

and you are right on the edge, young lady.

Welcome.

So, uh...

Tam. What kind of name is that?

Vietnamese. Sir.

Sure. You know, I spent a little time over there.

Army.

Your mom's name isn't Kim-Lee, is it?

No. Sir.

Good.

I mean, you know, it's a small country.

So...

Mary, how's that food coming?

Almost.

So, Vietnam, like in Rambo.

- Yes. - That's a cool movie.

Yes.

Are you in it?

- No. - Hmm.

Why would you think you knew his mom?

All right, Tam.

I decided I was gonna make you a real Texas dinner.

Barbecued chicken and brisket.

Thank you.

Well, I figured you were probably tired

of stuff wiggling around on your plate.

Okay, let's say grace.

Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus,"

feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.

I'm actually Catholic.

Oh. Well, that's too bad.

Thank you, God, for this food,

and bless the hands that prepared it.

And thank you so much for Sheldon's new friend.

Amen.

So, Tam, tell us about your family.

What brings y'all to Texas?

Well, after the American War...

You mean the Vietnam War.

We call it the American War.

- Hmm. - Anyway,

after the war, my father was sent

to a reeducation camp

because he fought on the wrong side.

You mean our side.

I was trying to be nice.

So, for many years,

my mother and my sisters and I

were very poor

and very often didn't have much to eat.

Then, when he was released...

What'd they teach him at the reeducation camp?

How to be a communist.

Cool, like in Rambo.

When he was released,

we escaped on a small boat

and spent many weeks at sea dodging Cambodian pirates

until we reached Thailand.

Oh, that's supposed to be a beautiful country.

- Lovely beaches. - I wouldn't know.

We were forced to live in a refugee camp,

where the only thing we had to eat were pigeons and rats.

Ha! That's a job for hot sauce.

Finally,

we were allowed to come to United States

and start over in Galveston.

My father saved money and bought his own shrimp boat.

There's a happy ending. Huh?

See, kids? When the going gets tough,

- America provides. - It did.

Until the Ku Klux Klan burned our boat

and chased us away.

You gonna put a good spin on that one?

So we came to Medford

and opened up a convenience store.

My parents work 16 hours a day,

seven days a week

for very little money.

Well, that was depressing.

I don't understand why it didn't launch.

Me, neither.

Evil Nazi scientists did it 50 years ago.

How hard could it be?

Can I help you?

Sorry to bother you, ma'am. FBI.

We're looking for a Sheldon Lee Cooper.

George!

I'm on the can.

Now!

- What? - These gentlemen

are with the FBI. They want to talk to Sheldon.

What?

We... Uh...

Y-You fellas must have made a mistake.

Sheldon's nine.

Well, someone living at this address

recently called a mining operation in Canada

and tried to buy uranium.

Okay, maybe it's not a mistake.

It's ridiculous.

Let's just go talk to him. Huh?

He's just a little, itty-bitty thing.

Really, he's harmless.

Sorry!

He's in the garage.

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