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1
00:00:03,429 --> 00:00:05,661
Why aren't you talking,
are you mad at me?
2
00:00:05,747 --> 00:00:07,941
No! I'm freaked because
I just found out that I'm pregnant.
3
00:00:08,028 --> 00:00:09,721
And yes,
I am a little mad at you,
4
00:00:09,808 --> 00:00:10,911
because this is serious,
5
00:00:10,998 --> 00:00:12,480
and the only thing
that you can think about
6
00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:14,534
is combining our names
into the perfect baby name.
7
00:00:14,621 --> 00:00:17,114
Well, now we know
it's either Hayden or Dyley.
8
00:00:17,677 --> 00:00:19,853
Look,
this is a beautiful thing.
9
00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:21,293
A product of our love.
10
00:00:21,509 --> 00:00:23,411
It is a product of our love,
right?
11
00:00:23,498 --> 00:00:24,942
Yes, Dylan.
I did the math.
12
00:00:25,046 --> 00:00:26,278
Last time
you did the math
13
00:00:26,365 --> 00:00:28,312
we accidentally left
a $300 tip.
14
00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:29,997
Oh, I don't know
what to do.
15
00:00:30,115 --> 00:00:31,754
How about this?
16
00:00:32,661 --> 00:00:34,457
Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy...
17
00:00:34,545 --> 00:00:35,723
will you marry me?
18
00:00:35,810 --> 00:00:37,434
Are you kidding me
right now?
19
00:00:37,521 --> 00:00:39,159
Picture us walking
down the aisle,
20
00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:41,375
a breathtaking vision
in virginal white
21
00:00:41,462 --> 00:00:42,952
and you wearing
whatever you want.
22
00:00:43,039 --> 00:00:44,811
- I'm not marrying you!
- Okay.
23
00:00:44,898 --> 00:00:46,647
Okay,
one step at a time.
24
00:00:46,734 --> 00:00:49,583
We'll put you on vitamins
and a healthy diet.
25
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:51,364
You'll be eating
for one now.
26
00:00:52,424 --> 00:00:53,957
Score! Lollipops!
27
00:00:54,044 --> 00:00:55,121
How am I gonna tell
my mom?
28
00:00:55,208 --> 00:00:56,856
This is the one thing
she always told me not to do,
29
00:00:56,943 --> 00:00:58,468
and you're the person
she told me not to do it with.
30
00:00:58,555 --> 00:01:00,236
Yeah, she really nailed
that one.
31
00:01:00,323 --> 00:01:02,012
I hope our baby
gets her brain.
32
00:01:02,115 --> 00:01:03,706
Why aren't you
freaking out?
33
00:01:03,793 --> 00:01:05,684
Because this is
a good thing,
34
00:01:06,037 --> 00:01:07,121
isn't it?
35
00:01:07,208 --> 00:01:08,301
I...
36
00:01:08,388 --> 00:01:09,487
I don't know.
37
00:01:09,574 --> 00:01:10,813
Ugh.
38
00:01:11,092 --> 00:01:12,778
Oh, my God,
I have to get to work.
39
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,433
To a job that I love,
which I don't even know
40
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:15,751
if I can do with a baby!
41
00:01:15,838 --> 00:01:16,973
Just... I, um...
42
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,910
I need some space.
43
00:01:19,432 --> 00:01:20,424
Oh.
44
00:01:20,511 --> 00:01:22,489
$13, carry the 3...
45
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,788
Leave a $50.
46
00:01:33,198 --> 00:01:36,020
*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 08
Episode Title: "Kids These Days"
47
00:01:37,017 --> 00:01:38,815
All right,
Thompson, run a crisp route!
48
00:01:38,902 --> 00:01:40,403
Pitkowski, go!
49
00:01:40,732 --> 00:01:42,019
Look at them out there.
50
00:01:42,106 --> 00:01:44,005
They are a mess.
No focus!
51
00:01:44,092 --> 00:01:45,909
You told them about
not eating chicken, right?
52
00:01:45,996 --> 00:01:46,973
It's a nervous bird.
53
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:48,792
Before the game,
you eat your calm mammals,
54
00:01:48,879 --> 00:01:49,940
your beefs,
your muttons.
55
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,276
Okay, guys, get in here!
56
00:01:51,363 --> 00:01:52,465
Let's go. Huddle up!
57
00:01:52,583 --> 00:01:54,612
We're about to play
for the city championship,
58
00:01:54,699 --> 00:01:56,708
and Jay here
has been helping out.
59
00:01:56,795 --> 00:01:58,136
I've been a team booster
for years.
60
00:01:58,223 --> 00:02:00,011
Usually that means
cutting a check
61
00:02:00,098 --> 00:02:02,278
from the Pritchett Cares
Foundation.
62
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:03,885
We support athletics
63
00:02:03,972 --> 00:02:07,590
and we educate at-risk youth
about careers in closets.
64
00:02:07,723 --> 00:02:09,147
It's a real path out.
65
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,374
Okay, this is the biggest day
of your lives
66
00:02:11,461 --> 00:02:14,981
and you're looking like a bunch
of little girls out there!
67
00:02:15,107 --> 00:02:18,465
What's wrong, Pitkowski,
did you forget your Barbies?!
68
00:02:19,076 --> 00:02:21,496
Coach, we've been talking,
69
00:02:21,651 --> 00:02:23,214
and the language
you've been using lately
70
00:02:23,301 --> 00:02:24,700
feels, well, hurtful.
71
00:02:24,787 --> 00:02:25,900
And sexist.
72
00:02:25,987 --> 00:02:27,535
And a little
gender reductive.
73
00:02:27,888 --> 00:02:28,825
What the hell
is happening?
74
00:02:28,912 --> 00:02:30,097
We'd just like you
to consider
75
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,137
adopting
a more empowering style.
76
00:02:32,779 --> 00:02:34,067
Okay, you know what?
77
00:02:34,295 --> 00:02:36,379
This is football!
78
00:02:36,548 --> 00:02:39,184
What's wrong, are your
training bras too tight?!
79
00:02:39,349 --> 00:02:40,529
Coach Tucker!
80
00:02:40,616 --> 00:02:43,340
Please see me
in my office now!
81
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,253
No, honey, I don't want
to pick your sister up
82
00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:46,120
at the airport!
83
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,535
Oh, sorry, I'm talking
to my girlfriend
84
00:02:48,622 --> 00:02:51,262
and I accidentally kept
the megaphone button pressed!
85
00:02:51,591 --> 00:02:52,690
She's really
been riding me lately,
86
00:02:52,777 --> 00:02:53,661
let me tell you!
87
00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:54,487
Oh, no sweetheart, no,
88
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:55,950
I didn't mean for you
to hear that!
89
00:02:56,037 --> 00:02:58,856
No, no, no,
you're my everything! Of course!
90
00:03:07,508 --> 00:03:09,031
I got tickets
for me and Mitchell
91
00:03:09,118 --> 00:03:12,226
to a screening in Palm Springs
of The Empire Strikes Back...
92
00:03:12,313 --> 00:03:14,426
Q&A to follow
with the biggest star of all...
93
00:03:14,513 --> 00:03:15,637
George Lucas.
94
00:03:15,724 --> 00:03:17,667
I'm super stoked
because I kind of think of Mitch
95
00:03:17,754 --> 00:03:19,276
as the brother I never had.
96
00:03:19,363 --> 00:03:21,641
I don't know why we don't spend
more time alone together.
97
00:03:21,728 --> 00:03:24,327
It's nobody's fault. Except for...
For Cam and Claire.
98
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:26,629
You know, I'm as happy now
as I've ever been.
99
00:03:26,716 --> 00:03:28,104
And look,
we're in Yucaipa.
100
00:03:28,191 --> 00:03:29,526
That sounds like
how Ewoks talk.
101
00:03:29,613 --> 00:03:32,413
I used to sneak off to a gay bar
in Yucaipa before I came out.
102
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,696
Huh, you don't really think of
gay bars as a small-town thing.
103
00:03:34,783 --> 00:03:35,549
Oh, yeah.
104
00:03:35,636 --> 00:03:37,141
They serve your rural gays,
105
00:03:37,228 --> 00:03:39,251
your closeted gays,
your city newbies
106
00:03:39,338 --> 00:03:41,182
looking to get
their gay sea-legs,
107
00:03:41,269 --> 00:03:43,990
kind of like an out-of-town
tryout before they hit Broadway.
108
00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:46,207
See, I learn something
whenever I spend time with you.
109
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,317
Remember when you told me
not to snap when I dance?
110
00:03:48,404 --> 00:03:51,205
It looked like you were trying to
get peanut butter off your fingers.
111
00:03:51,385 --> 00:03:53,238
Speaking of which,
I'm starving.
112
00:03:53,325 --> 00:03:55,236
That bar actually has
amazing hamburgers
113
00:03:55,389 --> 00:03:56,679
if you want to stop
for lunch?
114
00:03:56,766 --> 00:03:57,796
Am I allowed in?
115
00:03:57,883 --> 00:03:58,862
Who's gonna know?
116
00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:00,816
Just don't snap.
117
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:02,401
Ooh!
118
00:04:02,496 --> 00:04:04,137
Do you think
I could rock this?
119
00:04:04,224 --> 00:04:05,512
Do people
still say rock?
120
00:04:05,599 --> 00:04:07,159
It makes me sad
when you have to ask me
121
00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:08,721
what young people say.
122
00:04:08,808 --> 00:04:10,582
- Alex? Gloria?
- Ahh!
123
00:04:10,669 --> 00:04:11,918
- Hmm.
- Hi. Um, hi!
124
00:04:12,005 --> 00:04:13,487
What are you doing here?
125
00:04:13,574 --> 00:04:15,064
I needed some sexy clothes,
126
00:04:15,151 --> 00:04:17,258
so I asked Gloria
to help me shop.
127
00:04:17,345 --> 00:04:18,434
No offense to my mom,
128
00:04:18,521 --> 00:04:20,527
but she dresses
kind of conservative
129
00:04:20,614 --> 00:04:21,937
while Gloria knows
how to pick out clothes
130
00:04:22,024 --> 00:04:23,005
that will help...
131
00:04:23,092 --> 00:04:25,499
take this baby
for a spin.
132
00:04:25,586 --> 00:04:26,867
Ugh, Alex, come on,
133
00:04:26,954 --> 00:04:28,969
sell it if you're gonna talk
like that.
134
00:04:29,056 --> 00:04:30,346
Just stopped
by the cobbler
135
00:04:30,433 --> 00:04:32,956
to get my penny loafers
re-soled.
136
00:04:33,043 --> 00:04:35,342
Same pair for 30 years.
137
00:04:35,429 --> 00:04:36,452
What are you guys doing?
138
00:04:36,539 --> 00:04:37,887
Oh, we're just...
Uh, no, we, uh,
139
00:04:37,974 --> 00:04:40,055
were shopping separately,
funniest thing,
140
00:04:40,142 --> 00:04:42,487
and we just bumped
into each other!
141
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:43,575
Right?
142
00:04:44,052 --> 00:04:46,187
Yes, it was hilarious.
143
00:04:46,274 --> 00:04:49,590
I was shopping, and...
And then all she said.
144
00:04:49,685 --> 00:04:50,883
It was funny.
145
00:04:50,970 --> 00:04:51,992
So, what did you buy?
146
00:04:52,079 --> 00:04:53,534
Oh, no, no, no.
It's... It's not mine.
147
00:04:53,621 --> 00:04:55,994
- It's hers.
- Could you hold it for a minute?
148
00:04:56,081 --> 00:04:57,566
My arms are tired!
149
00:04:57,888 --> 00:04:59,722
This one, the Queen of Sheba.
150
00:04:59,809 --> 00:05:01,535
We all work for her.
151
00:05:02,376 --> 00:05:04,121
We have fun.
152
00:05:05,192 --> 00:05:06,669
Mmm!
153
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,901
Burger's amazing.
154
00:05:07,988 --> 00:05:09,269
This place is great.
155
00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:10,894
These small town gays
have it made.
156
00:05:10,981 --> 00:05:13,026
Yeah, I mean, they're forced
to live in the shadows,
157
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,203
but they do get to eat fries,
so...
158
00:05:15,322 --> 00:05:16,410
Oh, my God!
159
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:17,777
Is that Gil Thorpe?
160
00:05:17,864 --> 00:05:19,228
We don't all know each other,
Phil.
161
00:05:19,315 --> 00:05:21,331
- With the beard.
- There are no women in here.
162
00:05:21,418 --> 00:05:22,889
Right there,
he's my nemesis.
163
00:05:22,976 --> 00:05:24,567
What could he possibly be
doing here?
164
00:05:24,654 --> 00:05:27,129
Hmm,
I might have a theory.
165
00:05:27,274 --> 00:05:28,565
Oh, my God!
166
00:05:28,771 --> 00:05:30,393
He's pretending to be gay.
167
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,262
No.
168
00:05:31,349 --> 00:05:33,451
What is your game, Gil?
169
00:05:37,528 --> 00:05:39,043
Oh, is Nicole coming in
soon?
170
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:40,418
Her sound bath ran late.
171
00:05:40,505 --> 00:05:41,784
Is there
a special occasion?
172
00:05:41,871 --> 00:05:42,924
Why the party sub?
173
00:05:43,011 --> 00:05:45,480
Uh, this is
a normal sandwich.
174
00:05:46,241 --> 00:05:48,253
- Hello, Haley.
- Hi.
175
00:05:48,436 --> 00:05:50,016
Why the enormous sandwich?
176
00:05:50,103 --> 00:05:51,918
This is an ordinary...
doesn't matter.
177
00:05:52,005 --> 00:05:53,463
Uh, Nicole,
can I have a minute?
178
00:05:53,550 --> 00:05:55,175
Of course.
179
00:05:57,011 --> 00:05:58,091
Uh...
180
00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,461
Look, a situation
has come up
181
00:06:00,548 --> 00:06:01,671
and it's pretty confusing.
182
00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:03,773
I'm still trying
to process it, but I...
183
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,366
Preggo?
What?!
184
00:06:05,453 --> 00:06:06,987
- Oh, God, I knew it!
- What?!
185
00:06:07,074 --> 00:06:10,190
I mean, Prego, you know,
however you pronounce
186
00:06:10,277 --> 00:06:12,738
that pretentious
Italian fashion website.
187
00:06:12,825 --> 00:06:14,370
Oh. Someone told me
that they're trying
188
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:16,955
to poach one of my employees,
and I am not having it.
189
00:06:17,042 --> 00:06:18,441
So, what do you need?
190
00:06:18,528 --> 00:06:19,674
I, uh, well...
191
00:06:19,761 --> 00:06:24,199
Title bump, money bump...
You are getting a promotion.
192
00:06:24,286 --> 00:06:25,608
You are gonna be
the new
193
00:06:25,695 --> 00:06:28,418
Head of Activewear
and Zeitgeist.
194
00:06:28,794 --> 00:06:30,832
Oh, my God,
this is my dream job.
195
00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:32,684
I told my guidance counselor
196
00:06:32,771 --> 00:06:34,471
that I wanted to do this
and she laughed in my face.
197
00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,011
All right, everyone.
198
00:06:36,149 --> 00:06:37,957
Come in,
we're celebrating!
199
00:06:38,044 --> 00:06:41,121
And bring a knife so we can
cut this into 20 pieces!
200
00:06:41,864 --> 00:06:45,694
Coach Tucker, students are
a "protected class"
201
00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,004
and it is not okay
for you,
202
00:06:48,138 --> 00:06:49,985
an elite white man
of privilege,
203
00:06:50,072 --> 00:06:51,144
to bully them.
204
00:06:51,231 --> 00:06:54,277
Privilege? I-I make
a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.
205
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,326
Yeah, gay doesn't really get you
the mileage that it used to.
206
00:06:57,413 --> 00:06:59,320
Now, if you were trans,
we'd be golden.
207
00:06:59,407 --> 00:07:00,930
Oh, has the whole world
gone crazy?!
208
00:07:01,017 --> 00:07:02,489
Jay...
No, no, I've had it.
209
00:07:02,576 --> 00:07:04,233
I mean, what,
everyone's so sensitive,
210
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,801
they're gonna ruin
football?
211
00:07:05,904 --> 00:07:09,306
In my day, our team,
the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters,
212
00:07:09,393 --> 00:07:11,164
captained
by Knish Bronstein,
213
00:07:11,251 --> 00:07:13,008
took on
the Lincoln Banditos,
214
00:07:13,095 --> 00:07:16,066
QB'd by
José "Speedy" Gonzales.
215
00:07:16,216 --> 00:07:19,048
And after three hours of
pummeling each other's privates
216
00:07:19,135 --> 00:07:20,750
at the bottom of dog piles,
217
00:07:20,837 --> 00:07:22,609
we shook hands
like brothers
218
00:07:22,696 --> 00:07:24,787
and all went to brawl
the Sausage-Heads
219
00:07:24,874 --> 00:07:26,433
in Pierogi-Town.
220
00:07:26,735 --> 00:07:28,208
America.
221
00:07:28,769 --> 00:07:30,340
Beautiful melting pot.
222
00:07:30,571 --> 00:07:31,785
Uh...
How was that your life?
223
00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,971
You were in high school
during the Summer of Love.
224
00:07:34,058 --> 00:07:36,941
Coach Tucker, I don't know
why this man is here,
225
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,935
but he's a member of
the "elderly protected class,"
226
00:07:40,022 --> 00:07:42,195
and legally
we can't contradict him.
227
00:07:42,282 --> 00:07:44,792
I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to find a gentler way
228
00:07:44,879 --> 00:07:45,908
to motivate your players.
229
00:07:45,995 --> 00:07:47,743
I don't know any other way
to coach.
230
00:07:47,830 --> 00:07:50,963
What we need is advice
from someone who played football
231
00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:54,266
but also is a namby-pamby
Millennial weirdo.
232
00:07:54,395 --> 00:07:55,870
Thank you for coming.
233
00:07:56,063 --> 00:07:57,487
We're here to teach
these gentlemen
234
00:07:57,574 --> 00:07:59,646
how to communicate
in the 21st century.
235
00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:02,439
Let's go around and each say
the gender pronoun we prefer.
236
00:08:02,526 --> 00:08:03,534
I'll start...
237
00:08:03,621 --> 00:08:06,370
I'm cisgender,
he-slash-him.
238
00:08:06,457 --> 00:08:07,769
She-slash-her.
239
00:08:07,856 --> 00:08:09,339
They-slash-them.
240
00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:12,573
Oh, I'm not here to bust chops,
Bob is fine.
241
00:08:13,441 --> 00:08:15,214
This is your rugby team?
242
00:08:16,575 --> 00:08:20,058
I am fascinated
by this mall story of yours...
243
00:08:20,286 --> 00:08:21,783
So, you say
you were shopping?
244
00:08:21,870 --> 00:08:22,965
Yes.
245
00:08:23,423 --> 00:08:25,612
You know me and shoes.
246
00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:29,649
Oh! Well, let's take a look,
why don't we?
247
00:08:29,895 --> 00:08:32,955
Ooh! I had no idea your foot
was so tiny.
248
00:08:33,042 --> 00:08:38,051
Yes, I am so big in the top
and small in the bottom,
249
00:08:38,138 --> 00:08:40,029
like South America
herself.
250
00:08:40,116 --> 00:08:41,292
Aww!
251
00:08:41,379 --> 00:08:42,517
Put 'em on.
252
00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:43,511
Really?
253
00:08:43,598 --> 00:08:45,158
I want to see them
on your feet.
254
00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:46,887
Yes, miss.
255
00:08:48,106 --> 00:08:51,027
I feel like
I am Cinderella.
256
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:53,617
Go on, let's see you strut
your stuff.
257
00:08:53,962 --> 00:08:56,722
Pretty shoes.
258
00:08:58,291 --> 00:09:00,456
I've never felt
more beautiful!
259
00:09:00,543 --> 00:09:01,745
Uh-huh.
260
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,650
Okay, I can't watch this
anymore!
261
00:09:03,737 --> 00:09:06,542
Mom, please don't take this
personally,
262
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,017
but I was shopping
with Gloria today
263
00:09:08,104 --> 00:09:09,905
because I wanted to find
something sexy
264
00:09:09,992 --> 00:09:11,384
for my weekend away
with Bill,
265
00:09:11,471 --> 00:09:14,487
and that's more
her thing.
266
00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:15,789
I get it, fine.
267
00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:18,067
I don't always dress like
a... steering wheel cover.
268
00:09:18,154 --> 00:09:19,969
You're lashing out.
I understand.
269
00:09:20,056 --> 00:09:22,683
Doesn't mean I can't turn it on
when I need to.
270
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:23,839
It's not just that.
271
00:09:23,926 --> 00:09:25,899
I guess...
I don't really feel like
272
00:09:25,986 --> 00:09:28,447
you're comfortable
with my sexuality.
273
00:09:28,575 --> 00:09:32,335
You and Haley can talk
about guys and sex,
274
00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:34,892
but you still see me
as a 12-year-old.
275
00:09:35,192 --> 00:09:37,611
Honey, I'm sorry.
276
00:09:37,698 --> 00:09:39,814
I'm so sorry if I gave you
that impression,
277
00:09:39,901 --> 00:09:41,969
but to be fair,
you don't really share
278
00:09:42,056 --> 00:09:43,859
that part of your life
with me.
279
00:09:43,946 --> 00:09:46,820
I guess that's valid.
280
00:09:46,907 --> 00:09:49,003
So, are you gonna give me
a shot?
281
00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:50,733
Let me tart you up
for Bill.
282
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:53,855
Okay.
But it is not just for Bill
283
00:09:53,942 --> 00:09:55,691
because it's also for me
because I'm...
284
00:09:55,778 --> 00:09:57,917
I'm reclaiming
a part of myself
285
00:09:58,020 --> 00:09:58,746
that I don't think
I've really...
286
00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:00,422
There's a lot of this.
Yeah. Okay.
287
00:10:01,497 --> 00:10:03,959
This is nuts. First he gets
divorced, and now this?
288
00:10:04,046 --> 00:10:05,247
Hmm,
they may be related.
289
00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:06,489
Is he still here?
290
00:10:07,825 --> 00:10:09,784
Oh, man.
I've been made!
291
00:10:10,036 --> 00:10:11,066
What's he doing?
292
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,753
Uh, he's right
behind you.
293
00:10:12,957 --> 00:10:14,045
Dunphy?
294
00:10:14,132 --> 00:10:15,153
Hey, Gil.
295
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,634
Oh, I was just making
a pitstop
296
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,436
on the way
to the Bunny Ranch.
297
00:10:18,546 --> 00:10:20,070
I accidentally walked
in here
298
00:10:20,157 --> 00:10:22,542
'cause some local said
they had great wings.
299
00:10:22,629 --> 00:10:24,642
Didn't realize
there were no breasts!
300
00:10:25,489 --> 00:10:27,501
Am I right?!
Oh, hey.
301
00:10:27,588 --> 00:10:30,054
You don't have to do this.
I'm... I'm Mitch,
302
00:10:30,141 --> 00:10:31,693
I'm Phil's brother-in-law,
303
00:10:31,872 --> 00:10:33,336
and it's okay
that you're gay.
304
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:35,942
Whoa! What?
Hold on a second now.
305
00:10:36,029 --> 00:10:37,225
That's crazy!
306
00:10:37,312 --> 00:10:38,304
You're gay!
307
00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:39,305
Yes, I know.
308
00:10:39,392 --> 00:10:40,778
It's not the insult
you think it is.
309
00:10:40,865 --> 00:10:43,076
Charming as ever.
Off you go. Best of luck.
310
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,592
I got this, okay?
311
00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:45,988
It's gonna take him
some time to...
312
00:10:46,075 --> 00:10:47,222
To accept
who he really is.
313
00:10:47,309 --> 00:10:48,181
I'm totally gay.
314
00:10:48,268 --> 00:10:49,625
Wow, you're off
to a strong start.
315
00:10:49,712 --> 00:10:50,826
It's just...
It's strange
316
00:10:50,913 --> 00:10:52,912
to say it out loud like that,
you know?
317
00:10:53,118 --> 00:10:54,295
I'm a gay man.
318
00:10:54,842 --> 00:10:56,631
I'm a big gay man.
319
00:10:57,029 --> 00:10:59,254
Feels like a big gay weight
has been lifted off me.
320
00:10:59,341 --> 00:11:01,144
- Just a weight.
- Yeah.
321
00:11:01,255 --> 00:11:02,271
But doesn't it feel great
to...
322
00:11:02,358 --> 00:11:03,806
To finally own
who you really are?
323
00:11:03,893 --> 00:11:04,731
Yeah, it does.
324
00:11:04,818 --> 00:11:05,941
I remember admitting
to my dad
325
00:11:06,028 --> 00:11:06,976
I was into magic.
326
00:11:07,063 --> 00:11:09,411
It's not the same,
Dunphy.
327
00:11:09,498 --> 00:11:11,037
It's just not...
328
00:11:11,124 --> 00:11:13,015
God, I have so many questions
for you, though.
329
00:11:13,102 --> 00:11:16,285
Hey, hey, first time I
walked into this bar, I did, too.
330
00:11:16,372 --> 00:11:17,382
Fire away.
331
00:11:17,562 --> 00:11:18,745
Okay.
332
00:11:18,832 --> 00:11:20,280
I'm just not comfortable
opening up
333
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:21,791
in front of the breeder here,
okay?
334
00:11:21,878 --> 00:11:23,436
You have more kids
than I do!
335
00:11:23,523 --> 00:11:24,751
That's homophobic, man!
336
00:11:24,838 --> 00:11:27,365
Hey, Phil, why don't... why
don't you grab us some drinks?
337
00:11:27,698 --> 00:11:29,810
Okay. Fine.
338
00:11:30,570 --> 00:11:31,663
Yeah.
339
00:11:33,297 --> 00:11:35,702
Whoa.
Wow, hi.
340
00:11:35,789 --> 00:11:37,552
It's my lucky day.
Thank you for that.
341
00:11:37,639 --> 00:11:38,941
But I'm afraid I'm taken.
342
00:11:39,028 --> 00:11:39,900
That's too bad.
343
00:11:39,987 --> 00:11:41,976
Why is it so hard for me
to meet someone?
344
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,922
I, um...
345
00:11:44,349 --> 00:11:46,507
I have the perfect guy
for you.
346
00:11:46,845 --> 00:11:48,884
He has got a great sense
of humor, big heart.
347
00:11:48,971 --> 00:11:50,820
I have a thing
for red heads.
348
00:11:50,907 --> 00:11:53,055
He's with me.
Uh, the other one.
349
00:11:53,142 --> 00:11:54,214
Him? Pass.
350
00:11:54,301 --> 00:11:56,101
He's been lurking
around here for weeks.
351
00:11:56,188 --> 00:11:58,694
Like I'm impressed he's "Southern
California's number one Realtor."
352
00:11:58,781 --> 00:12:00,022
No, he's not!
353
00:12:00,390 --> 00:12:01,943
Well,
what are you afraid of?
354
00:12:02,094 --> 00:12:03,405
I don't know, Mitchell.
355
00:12:03,492 --> 00:12:04,791
I'm so late to the game.
356
00:12:04,878 --> 00:12:06,059
Who's even gonna
want me?
357
00:12:06,146 --> 00:12:07,594
Mitchell, um,
it's getting late,
358
00:12:07,681 --> 00:12:09,671
and we don't want
to keep Mr. Lucas waiting.
359
00:12:09,758 --> 00:12:11,314
Whoa. You're leaving?
360
00:12:11,425 --> 00:12:12,506
But...
361
00:12:13,735 --> 00:12:15,239
You're the first person
I ever talked to
362
00:12:15,326 --> 00:12:16,354
about any of this stuff.
363
00:12:16,443 --> 00:12:19,601
Uh, one... one second.
364
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,383
Phil.
365
00:12:21,744 --> 00:12:22,891
I can't leave him
this way.
366
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:24,475
What?!
He's a monster!
367
00:12:24,562 --> 00:12:25,721
And not one of the cool ones
368
00:12:25,808 --> 00:12:27,500
created by
Industrial Light and Magic!
369
00:12:27,587 --> 00:12:29,424
I know. This...
This is a lot to take in,
370
00:12:29,511 --> 00:12:31,827
but I think that there's
a really good guy in there
371
00:12:31,914 --> 00:12:33,515
and... and he needs me.
372
00:12:33,659 --> 00:12:36,089
I'm sorry,
you go, have fun.
373
00:12:36,176 --> 00:12:38,124
You're...
You're picking him over me?!
374
00:12:38,211 --> 00:12:39,769
No. I just need to make sure
he's okay.
375
00:12:39,856 --> 00:12:41,711
Look, I-I'll try and get there
if I can.
376
00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:42,929
Do, or do not.
377
00:12:43,016 --> 00:12:44,206
There is no try.
378
00:12:44,293 --> 00:12:46,283
Please don't Yoda me.
379
00:12:48,041 --> 00:12:50,014
Twenty years ago,
I was in this bar,
380
00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:51,248
feeling just like you do.
381
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:54,083
And this really nice guy came up
to talk to me.
382
00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:57,506
I-I think he could see
how lost and alone I was.
383
00:12:57,593 --> 00:12:58,937
And, I don't know,
384
00:12:59,024 --> 00:13:01,874
it felt like my whole world
opened up that day.
385
00:13:02,227 --> 00:13:03,872
Wow, that's
a touching story.
386
00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:06,522
So when are we gonna start
touching?
387
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,534
I'm sorry, what?
388
00:13:08,649 --> 00:13:10,312
I say we head out
to the parking lot,
389
00:13:10,399 --> 00:13:12,575
get a little crazy
in my ex-wife's minivan, huh?
390
00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:14,413
No! No, gross!
391
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,062
Fine, Prince Harry.
392
00:13:16,149 --> 00:13:17,497
I'll pop
for a hotel room.
393
00:13:17,584 --> 00:13:18,685
But that means
we're doing everything.
394
00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,390
Okay.
Y-You're awful!
395
00:13:20,477 --> 00:13:22,111
Well, at least
I'm not a tease.
396
00:13:22,198 --> 00:13:23,745
What a waste
of an afternoon.
397
00:13:23,832 --> 00:13:25,944
Hey, I'm Gil.
Just came out.
398
00:13:26,031 --> 00:13:27,616
Feeling kind of lost
and alone.
399
00:13:27,703 --> 00:13:28,874
You, run.
400
00:13:28,961 --> 00:13:30,655
C-C-Can someone give me
a ride?
401
00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:32,435
I need to go after the guy
I was here with.
402
00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,256
Let's go.
He's worth it.
403
00:13:34,343 --> 00:13:35,334
Ooh, a hat.
404
00:13:35,421 --> 00:13:36,844
Fun.
405
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,802
I don't know
about this.
406
00:13:38,922 --> 00:13:41,124
Come on, honey,
I picked it out.
407
00:13:41,211 --> 00:13:43,304
I'm not gonna judge you.
I swear.
408
00:13:43,922 --> 00:13:45,858
You look beautiful.
409
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:47,060
I love it.
410
00:13:47,147 --> 00:13:49,491
Really?
It's not too much?
411
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:52,433
Let the prudes leave something
to the imagination.
412
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:56,082
Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get
a piece of that," huh?
413
00:13:57,521 --> 00:13:58,571
Uch.
414
00:13:58,665 --> 00:14:01,645
How about lingerie?
415
00:14:01,756 --> 00:14:02,941
Mm.
416
00:14:03,028 --> 00:14:07,256
Yes, um, I would love your input
on my lingerie.
417
00:14:07,343 --> 00:14:09,231
What would Bill like?
418
00:14:09,336 --> 00:14:11,017
Oh, something with snaps.
419
00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:12,594
He doesn't like
complicated garments.
420
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,163
He's easily frustrated.
421
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:17,190
That is so fun to know.
422
00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:18,600
Um, can I just say,
423
00:14:18,687 --> 00:14:23,313
I am so comfortable
with your sexuality.
424
00:14:23,482 --> 00:14:29,153
Canjust say that your comfort
with my sexuality
425
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:33,239
has made me more comfortable
with my sexuality.
426
00:14:33,326 --> 00:14:35,951
Can I just say that if I had
my gun in my purse,
427
00:14:36,038 --> 00:14:37,731
I would shoot myself.
428
00:14:46,632 --> 00:14:48,281
Phil!
429
00:14:48,649 --> 00:14:49,983
Phil!
430
00:14:52,044 --> 00:14:53,302
What are you doing?
431
00:14:53,389 --> 00:14:54,795
I am so sorry!
432
00:14:54,882 --> 00:14:56,705
Well, you should be!
433
00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:57,798
Phil!
434
00:14:57,943 --> 00:15:00,941
Hear him out,
he feels terrible!
435
00:15:01,122 --> 00:15:03,312
You were right about Gil!
He's awful!
436
00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:05,638
He has
no redeeming qualities,
437
00:15:05,725 --> 00:15:07,724
well, except for his taste
in men!
438
00:15:07,811 --> 00:15:10,252
You know how important
this was to me?!
439
00:15:10,339 --> 00:15:11,411
Of course!
440
00:15:11,498 --> 00:15:13,488
I-I'm as big a Star Wars fan
as you are!
441
00:15:13,575 --> 00:15:15,778
It was never about
Star Wars!
442
00:15:16,019 --> 00:15:18,330
It was about spending time
with you!
443
00:15:18,447 --> 00:15:20,026
Oh, really?!
444
00:15:20,130 --> 00:15:21,658
Yes!
445
00:15:21,799 --> 00:15:24,666
Well, I love spending time
with you!
446
00:15:25,144 --> 00:15:26,159
You do?!
447
00:15:26,246 --> 00:15:27,502
Totally!
448
00:15:27,589 --> 00:15:29,579
You're like the brother
I never had!
449
00:15:29,666 --> 00:15:31,597
What?!
That's crazy cakes!
450
00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:34,134
- I say that about you all the time!
- Stop it!
451
00:15:34,221 --> 00:15:36,745
I had a totally different idea
about what this was,
452
00:15:36,832 --> 00:15:38,371
but it's still beautiful!
453
00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:40,416
Eyes on the road!
Eyes on the road!
454
00:15:42,425 --> 00:15:44,170
Hey, what's going on?
455
00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:45,654
Today's been a lot.
456
00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:47,298
Ugh. Same.
457
00:15:47,434 --> 00:15:48,757
You know,
I don't say it enough,
458
00:15:48,844 --> 00:15:52,018
but I am so glad that you and I
can talk about anything.
459
00:15:52,105 --> 00:15:53,213
Something happen
with Alex?
460
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,039
I don't want
to talk about it.
461
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,387
What brings you
to the floor?
462
00:15:57,531 --> 00:15:59,806
Well...
463
00:16:00,491 --> 00:16:03,258
it seems I've gone
and gotten myself...
464
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:05,822
promoted.
465
00:16:06,319 --> 00:16:08,631
Haley, that's fantastic!
466
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:09,719
Yeah.
467
00:16:09,806 --> 00:16:13,373
Yeah, I, uh... I get my own
parking spot and an "IRA."
468
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:15,422
I guess that's my
assistant's name or something?
469
00:16:15,572 --> 00:16:17,452
Sweetheart,
I'm very proud of you.
470
00:16:17,539 --> 00:16:19,633
You really pulled it
together.
471
00:16:19,861 --> 00:16:22,591
Yeah, well, I still have
a lot of stuff to figure out.
472
00:16:22,678 --> 00:16:23,636
Of course you do.
473
00:16:23,723 --> 00:16:25,164
Everyone does
at your age.
474
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,133
Boy, I know I did.
475
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:30,090
Did you ever regret having me
when you did?
476
00:16:30,177 --> 00:16:32,301
Like how it kinda
derailed your career?
477
00:16:32,388 --> 00:16:33,509
Hmm...
478
00:16:33,639 --> 00:16:36,372
I didn't love it
at first.
479
00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:39,850
But then I saw
this face.
480
00:16:39,938 --> 00:16:41,299
Mm.
481
00:16:41,394 --> 00:16:42,911
And you were lucky enough
to have Dad.
482
00:16:42,998 --> 00:16:44,570
He was born
to be a parent.
483
00:16:44,657 --> 00:16:46,907
This is gonna come
as a surprise to you,
484
00:16:46,994 --> 00:16:49,651
but your dad was a different guy
than you think.
485
00:16:49,738 --> 00:16:51,920
What?! Who?!
Is that why I'm so short?!
486
00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:53,133
No! Haley!
487
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:54,080
Oh.
488
00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:55,715
When I met your father,
489
00:16:55,802 --> 00:16:57,758
he did not have
his life together.
490
00:16:58,032 --> 00:16:59,203
But to his credit,
491
00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:00,921
he really stepped up
when I got pregnant,
492
00:17:01,008 --> 00:17:02,364
and I think that's what
made it work.
493
00:17:02,451 --> 00:17:04,533
You know,
having someone to depend on.
494
00:17:04,620 --> 00:17:05,591
Hmm.
495
00:17:05,678 --> 00:17:07,036
How did I get down
this road?
496
00:17:07,123 --> 00:17:08,761
I don't know!
497
00:17:08,848 --> 00:17:09,973
Beats me.
498
00:17:10,126 --> 00:17:11,597
Bye!
499
00:17:11,684 --> 00:17:13,243
Okay.
500
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,102
Why is Alex leaving the house
dressed like a flasher?
501
00:17:17,189 --> 00:17:18,801
She and I agreed
not to discuss it.
502
00:17:18,915 --> 00:17:21,383
Her sexual awakening
has been tough on all of us.
503
00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:22,720
Yes.
504
00:17:23,351 --> 00:17:25,450
Second and 6
for the Dolphins.
505
00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:30,164
Thompson, I see you,
I hear you, and I'm listening!
506
00:17:30,323 --> 00:17:32,717
I would have preferred
you stuck to the play we called,
507
00:17:32,804 --> 00:17:35,359
but I respect
your independent spirit!
508
00:17:37,130 --> 00:17:40,478
Okay, Pitkowski, treat the area
around the quarterback
509
00:17:40,565 --> 00:17:41,727
as a "safe space,"
510
00:17:41,814 --> 00:17:43,729
and think
of the other team's defenders
511
00:17:43,816 --> 00:17:47,641
as destructive thoughts trying
to attack our self-esteem!
512
00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:48,801
It's not working.
513
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:51,180
I hate losing to a team
with a Viking mascot.
514
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:52,305
Hey!
515
00:17:52,392 --> 00:17:54,483
You died out
and became Swedes!
516
00:17:54,570 --> 00:17:58,508
Hip-hip-hooray for socialism
and seasonal depression!
517
00:17:58,665 --> 00:17:59,968
Our championship
is on the line.
518
00:18:00,055 --> 00:18:01,453
You gotta do something.
519
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:07,758
Men, this is the biggest moment
of your life
520
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,539
and I don't know
how to fire you up!
521
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,859
My original plan was
to come in here,
522
00:18:13,946 --> 00:18:15,577
single out
the under-performers
523
00:18:15,664 --> 00:18:17,609
and throw diapers at them!
524
00:18:17,891 --> 00:18:21,123
Now I realize that could be
interpreted as insensitive
525
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,623
or, perhaps, anti-baby!
526
00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:25,140
I'm sorry,
527
00:18:25,287 --> 00:18:30,490
but the football field
was always my safe space, okay?!
528
00:18:30,589 --> 00:18:32,261
It's where, in high school,
529
00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:35,818
I first gained the respect
of my peers,
530
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,428
and if I'm being honest,
531
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:38,911
where I'd hoped
I'd finally gain
532
00:18:38,998 --> 00:18:40,763
the admiration
of my father-in-law.
533
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,904
Now I feel like I've just...
534
00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:45,732
let you all down.
535
00:18:46,803 --> 00:18:49,177
You want to know
how I feel?
536
00:18:50,023 --> 00:18:53,037
Hurt... that Coach Tucker
doesn't know
537
00:18:53,124 --> 00:18:54,434
how much
we appreciate him.
538
00:18:54,521 --> 00:18:57,435
Triggered... because
he's got to apologize
539
00:18:57,522 --> 00:18:58,426
for a few words
540
00:18:58,513 --> 00:18:59,989
after all he's done
541
00:19:00,076 --> 00:19:02,943
to prove himself
as a man and a coach.
542
00:19:03,194 --> 00:19:04,896
I've admired you
for a long time
543
00:19:04,983 --> 00:19:07,396
and if I haven't let you
know that, that's on me...
544
00:19:07,493 --> 00:19:09,857
And I'm "cissy-gendered"
enough to admit it.
545
00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:11,318
And from now on,
546
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:13,473
I'm gonna make sure
that Coach Tucker knows
547
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,374
he's a person of value
I admire and respect.
548
00:19:19,083 --> 00:19:22,420
Coach Tucker's a person of value
I admire and respect!
549
00:19:22,983 --> 00:19:25,920
Coach Tucker's a person of value
I admire and respect!
550
00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:29,622
Coach Tucker's a person
of value I admire and respect!
551
00:19:29,913 --> 00:19:33,373
Coach Tucker's a person of value
I admire and respect!
552
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,441
Now let's go take it
to these guys,
553
00:19:35,528 --> 00:19:37,401
who I'm sure are blessed with
other gifts
554
00:19:37,488 --> 00:19:38,819
but are not great
at football!
555
00:19:38,906 --> 00:19:40,069
Let's go!
556
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,310
Can you believe
they bought it?
557
00:19:47,059 --> 00:19:48,521
Bought what?
558
00:19:50,171 --> 00:19:53,223
We live in sensitive times.
559
00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:54,735
Nothing?
560
00:19:55,671 --> 00:19:57,491
No brain at all?
561
00:19:57,759 --> 00:19:59,671
Well, that's gonna hurt
my career.
562
00:19:59,915 --> 00:20:03,405
So we must evolve
if we want to succeed.
563
00:20:06,989 --> 00:20:11,107
Sometimes that requires us to
share our vulnerabilities...
564
00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:11,786
Thanks.
565
00:20:11,873 --> 00:20:15,874
So that we can see
one another in a new way.
566
00:20:16,013 --> 00:20:17,327
How are you doing?
567
00:20:17,665 --> 00:20:19,515
I think
I'm okay with it.
568
00:20:19,841 --> 00:20:21,233
I'm scared.
569
00:20:21,408 --> 00:20:25,437
But it's less scary knowing
I'm going through it with you.
570
00:20:28,248 --> 00:20:31,047
That concludes today's
non-denominational
571
00:20:31,134 --> 00:20:33,163
inspirational affirmation.
572
00:20:33,282 --> 00:20:36,601
Have the day
that's right for you.
573
00:20:37,817 --> 00:20:40,417
Let's see those little bastards
complain about that.
574
00:20:40,584 --> 00:20:41,865
Oh, no!
575
00:20:44,163 --> 00:20:47,577
That's right, guys, high knees,
high knees.
576
00:20:47,774 --> 00:20:49,485
Commie to your left!
577
00:20:49,657 --> 00:20:51,265
Commie to your right!
578
00:20:51,829 --> 00:20:53,353
Stop dragging,
Pitkowski,
579
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,854
they're coming after
your sweetheart!
580
00:20:54,941 --> 00:20:56,197
You know what they did
to Poland!
581
00:20:56,284 --> 00:20:57,484
Well, I want to stop this,
582
00:20:57,571 --> 00:20:58,500
but there's nothing
in the guidelines
583
00:20:58,587 --> 00:20:59,882
about Communists.
584
00:20:59,999 --> 00:21:02,327
Now, we're high like
a hippie!
585
00:21:02,414 --> 00:21:03,606
We're bending over
586
00:21:03,693 --> 00:21:05,785
- like a...
- Okay! Shut it down, Jay!
587
00:21:05,882 --> 00:21:08,648
All right, boys,
hydrate like I taught you.
588
00:21:10,086 --> 00:21:11,516
Attaboy.
589
00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:15,302
There you go.
590
00:21:19,607 --> 00:21:22,407
Captions by VITA...
Sync corrections by srjanapala
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