1 00:00:03,429 --> 00:00:05,661 Why aren't you talking, are you mad at me? 2 00:00:05,747 --> 00:00:07,941 No! I'm freaked because I just found out that I'm pregnant. 3 00:00:08,028 --> 00:00:09,721 And yes, I am a little mad at you, 4 00:00:09,808 --> 00:00:10,911 because this is serious, 5 00:00:10,998 --> 00:00:12,480 and the only thing that you can think about 6 00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:14,534 is combining our names into the perfect baby name. 7 00:00:14,621 --> 00:00:17,114 Well, now we know it's either Hayden or Dyley. 8 00:00:17,677 --> 00:00:19,853 Look, this is a beautiful thing. 9 00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:21,293 A product of our love. 10 00:00:21,509 --> 00:00:23,411 It is a product of our love, right? 11 00:00:23,498 --> 00:00:24,942 Yes, Dylan. I did the math. 12 00:00:25,046 --> 00:00:26,278 Last time you did the math 13 00:00:26,365 --> 00:00:28,312 we accidentally left a $300 tip. 14 00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:29,997 Oh, I don't know what to do. 15 00:00:30,115 --> 00:00:31,754 How about this? 16 00:00:32,661 --> 00:00:34,457 Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy... 17 00:00:34,545 --> 00:00:35,723 will you marry me? 18 00:00:35,810 --> 00:00:37,434 Are you kidding me right now? 19 00:00:37,521 --> 00:00:39,159 Picture us walking down the aisle, 20 00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:41,375 a breathtaking vision in virginal white 21 00:00:41,462 --> 00:00:42,952 and you wearing whatever you want. 22 00:00:43,039 --> 00:00:44,811 - I'm not marrying you! - Okay. 23 00:00:44,898 --> 00:00:46,647 Okay, one step at a time. 24 00:00:46,734 --> 00:00:49,583 We'll put you on vitamins and a healthy diet. 25 00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:51,364 You'll be eating for one now. 26 00:00:52,424 --> 00:00:53,957 Score! Lollipops! 27 00:00:54,044 --> 00:00:55,121 How am I gonna tell my mom? 28 00:00:55,208 --> 00:00:56,856 This is the one thing she always told me not to do, 29 00:00:56,943 --> 00:00:58,468 and you're the person she told me not to do it with. 30 00:00:58,555 --> 00:01:00,236 Yeah, she really nailed that one. 31 00:01:00,323 --> 00:01:02,012 I hope our baby gets her brain. 32 00:01:02,115 --> 00:01:03,706 Why aren't you freaking out? 33 00:01:03,793 --> 00:01:05,684 Because this is a good thing, 34 00:01:06,037 --> 00:01:07,121 isn't it? 35 00:01:07,208 --> 00:01:08,301 I... 36 00:01:08,388 --> 00:01:09,487 I don't know. 37 00:01:09,574 --> 00:01:10,813 Ugh. 38 00:01:11,092 --> 00:01:12,778 Oh, my God, I have to get to work. 39 00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,433 To a job that I love, which I don't even know 40 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:15,751 if I can do with a baby! 41 00:01:15,838 --> 00:01:16,973 Just... I, um... 42 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,910 I need some space. 43 00:01:19,432 --> 00:01:20,424 Oh. 44 00:01:20,511 --> 00:01:22,489 $13, carry the 3... 45 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,788 Leave a $50. 46 00:01:33,198 --> 00:01:36,020 *MODERN FAMILY* 00:01:38,815 All right, Thompson, run a crisp route! 48 00:01:38,902 --> 00:01:40,403 Pitkowski, go! 49 00:01:40,732 --> 00:01:42,019 Look at them out there. 50 00:01:42,106 --> 00:01:44,005 They are a mess. No focus! 51 00:01:44,092 --> 00:01:45,909 You told them about not eating chicken, right? 52 00:01:45,996 --> 00:01:46,973 It's a nervous bird. 53 00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:48,792 Before the game, you eat your calm mammals, 54 00:01:48,879 --> 00:01:49,940 your beefs, your muttons. 55 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,276 Okay, guys, get in here! 56 00:01:51,363 --> 00:01:52,465 Let's go. Huddle up! 57 00:01:52,583 --> 00:01:54,612 We're about to play for the city championship, 58 00:01:54,699 --> 00:01:56,708 and Jay here has been helping out. 59 00:01:56,795 --> 00:01:58,136 I've been a team booster for years. 60 00:01:58,223 --> 00:02:00,011 Usually that means cutting a check 61 00:02:00,098 --> 00:02:02,278 from the Pritchett Cares Foundation. 62 00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:03,885 We support athletics 63 00:02:03,972 --> 00:02:07,590 and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets. 64 00:02:07,723 --> 00:02:09,147 It's a real path out. 65 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,374 Okay, this is the biggest day of your lives 66 00:02:11,461 --> 00:02:14,981 and you're looking like a bunch of little girls out there! 67 00:02:15,107 --> 00:02:18,465 What's wrong, Pitkowski, did you forget your Barbies?! 68 00:02:19,076 --> 00:02:21,496 Coach, we've been talking, 69 00:02:21,651 --> 00:02:23,214 and the language you've been using lately 70 00:02:23,301 --> 00:02:24,700 feels, well, hurtful. 71 00:02:24,787 --> 00:02:25,900 And sexist. 72 00:02:25,987 --> 00:02:27,535 And a little gender reductive. 73 00:02:27,888 --> 00:02:28,825 What the hell is happening? 74 00:02:28,912 --> 00:02:30,097 We'd just like you to consider 75 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,137 adopting a more empowering style. 76 00:02:32,779 --> 00:02:34,067 Okay, you know what? 77 00:02:34,295 --> 00:02:36,379 This is football! 78 00:02:36,548 --> 00:02:39,184 What's wrong, are your training bras too tight?! 79 00:02:39,349 --> 00:02:40,529 Coach Tucker! 80 00:02:40,616 --> 00:02:43,340 Please see me in my office now! 81 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,253 No, honey, I don't want to pick your sister up 82 00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:46,120 at the airport! 83 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,535 Oh, sorry, I'm talking to my girlfriend 84 00:02:48,622 --> 00:02:51,262 and I accidentally kept the megaphone button pressed! 85 00:02:51,591 --> 00:02:52,690 She's really been riding me lately, 86 00:02:52,777 --> 00:02:53,661 let me tell you! 87 00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:54,487 Oh, no sweetheart, no, 88 00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:55,950 I didn't mean for you to hear that! 89 00:02:56,037 --> 00:02:58,856 No, no, no, you're my everything! Of course! 90 00:03:07,508 --> 00:03:09,031 I got tickets for me and Mitchell 91 00:03:09,118 --> 00:03:12,226 to a screening in Palm Springs of The Empire Strikes Back... 92 00:03:12,313 --> 00:03:14,426 QandA to follow with the biggest star of all... 93 00:03:14,513 --> 00:03:15,637 George Lucas. 94 00:03:15,724 --> 00:03:17,667 I'm super stoked because I kind of think of Mitch 95 00:03:17,754 --> 00:03:19,276 as the brother I never had. 96 00:03:19,363 --> 00:03:21,641 I don't know why we don't spend more time alone together. 97 00:03:21,728 --> 00:03:24,327 It's nobody's fault. Except for... For Cam and Claire. 98 00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:26,629 You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. 99 00:03:26,716 --> 00:03:28,104 And look, we're in Yucaipa. 100 00:03:28,191 --> 00:03:29,526 That sounds like how Ewoks talk. 101 00:03:29,613 --> 00:03:32,413 I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out. 102 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,696 Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing. 103 00:03:34,783 --> 00:03:35,549 Oh, yeah. 104 00:03:35,636 --> 00:03:37,141 They serve your rural gays, 105 00:03:37,228 --> 00:03:39,251 your closeted gays, your city newbies 106 00:03:39,338 --> 00:03:41,182 looking to get their gay sea-legs, 107 00:03:41,269 --> 00:03:43,990 kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway. 108 00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:46,207 See, I learn something whenever I spend time with you. 109 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,317 Remember when you told me not to snap when I dance? 110 00:03:48,404 --> 00:03:51,205 It looked like you were trying to get peanut butter off your fingers. 111 00:03:51,385 --> 00:03:53,238 Speaking of which, I'm starving. 112 00:03:53,325 --> 00:03:55,236 That bar actually has amazing hamburgers 113 00:03:55,389 --> 00:03:56,679 if you want to stop for lunch? 114 00:03:56,766 --> 00:03:57,796 Am I allowed in? 115 00:03:57,883 --> 00:03:58,862 Who's gonna know? 116 00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:00,816 Just don't snap. 117 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:02,401 Ooh! 118 00:04:02,496 --> 00:04:04,137 Do you think I could rock this? 119 00:04:04,224 --> 00:04:05,512 Do people still say rock? 120 00:04:05,599 --> 00:04:07,159 It makes me sad when you have to ask me 121 00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:08,721 what young people say. 122 00:04:08,808 --> 00:04:10,582 - Alex? Gloria? - Ahh! 123 00:04:10,669 --> 00:04:11,918 - Hmm. - Hi. Um, hi! 124 00:04:12,005 --> 00:04:13,487 What are you doing here? 125 00:04:13,574 --> 00:04:15,064 I needed some sexy clothes, 126 00:04:15,151 --> 00:04:17,258 so I asked Gloria to help me shop. 127 00:04:17,345 --> 00:04:18,434 No offense to my mom, 128 00:04:18,521 --> 00:04:20,527 but she dresses kind of conservative 129 00:04:20,614 --> 00:04:21,937 while Gloria knows how to pick out clothes 130 00:04:22,024 --> 00:04:23,005 that will help... 131 00:04:23,092 --> 00:04:25,499 take this baby for a spin. 132 00:04:25,586 --> 00:04:26,867 Ugh, Alex, come on, 133 00:04:26,954 --> 00:04:28,969 sell it if you're gonna talk like that. 134 00:04:29,056 --> 00:04:30,346 Just stopped by the cobbler 135 00:04:30,433 --> 00:04:32,956 to get my penny loafers re-soled. 136 00:04:33,043 --> 00:04:35,342 Same pair for 30 years. 137 00:04:35,429 --> 00:04:36,452 What are you guys doing? 138 00:04:36,539 --> 00:04:37,887 Oh, we're just... Uh, no, we, uh, 139 00:04:37,974 --> 00:04:40,055 were shopping separately, funniest thing, 140 00:04:40,142 --> 00:04:42,487 and we just bumped into each other! 141 00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:43,575 Right? 142 00:04:44,052 --> 00:04:46,187 Yes, it was hilarious. 143 00:04:46,274 --> 00:04:49,590 I was shopping, and... And then all she said. 144 00:04:49,685 --> 00:04:50,883 It was funny. 145 00:04:50,970 --> 00:04:51,992 So, what did you buy? 146 00:04:52,079 --> 00:04:53,534 Oh, no, no, no. It's... It's not mine. 147 00:04:53,621 --> 00:04:55,994 - It's hers. - Could you hold it for a minute? 148 00:04:56,081 --> 00:04:57,566 My arms are tired! 149 00:04:57,888 --> 00:04:59,722 This one, the Queen of Sheba. 150 00:04:59,809 --> 00:05:01,535 We all work for her. 151 00:05:02,376 --> 00:05:04,121 We have fun. 152 00:05:05,192 --> 00:05:06,669 Mmm! 153 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,901 Burger's amazing. 154 00:05:07,988 --> 00:05:09,269 This place is great. 155 00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:10,894 These small town gays have it made. 156 00:05:10,981 --> 00:05:13,026 Yeah, I mean, they're forced to live in the shadows, 157 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,203 but they do get to eat fries, so... 158 00:05:15,322 --> 00:05:16,410 Oh, my God! 159 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:17,777 Is that Gil Thorpe? 160 00:05:17,864 --> 00:05:19,228 We don't all know each other, Phil. 161 00:05:19,315 --> 00:05:21,331 - With the beard. - There are no women in here. 162 00:05:21,418 --> 00:05:22,889 Right there, he's my nemesis. 163 00:05:22,976 --> 00:05:24,567 What could he possibly be doing here? 164 00:05:24,654 --> 00:05:27,129 Hmm, I might have a theory. 165 00:05:27,274 --> 00:05:28,565 Oh, my God! 166 00:05:28,771 --> 00:05:30,393 He's pretending to be gay. 167 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,262 No. 168 00:05:31,349 --> 00:05:33,451 What is your game, Gil? 169 00:05:37,528 --> 00:05:39,043 Oh, is Nicole coming in soon? 170 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:40,418 Her sound bath ran late. 171 00:05:40,505 --> 00:05:41,784 Is there a special occasion? 172 00:05:41,871 --> 00:05:42,924 Why the party sub? 173 00:05:43,011 --> 00:05:45,480 Uh, this is a normal sandwich. 174 00:05:46,241 --> 00:05:48,253 - Hello, Haley. - Hi. 175 00:05:48,436 --> 00:05:50,016 Why the enormous sandwich? 176 00:05:50,103 --> 00:05:51,918 This is an ordinary... doesn't matter. 177 00:05:52,005 --> 00:05:53,463 Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute? 178 00:05:53,550 --> 00:05:55,175 Of course. 179 00:05:57,011 --> 00:05:58,091 Uh... 180 00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,461 Look, a situation has come up 181 00:06:00,548 --> 00:06:01,671 and it's pretty confusing. 182 00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:03,773 I'm still trying to process it, but I... 183 00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,366 Preggo? What?! 184 00:06:05,453 --> 00:06:06,987 - Oh, God, I knew it! - What?! 185 00:06:07,074 --> 00:06:10,190 I mean, Prego, you know, however you pronounce 186 00:06:10,277 --> 00:06:12,738 that pretentious Italian fashion website. 187 00:06:12,825 --> 00:06:14,370 Oh. Someone told me that they're trying 188 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:16,955 to poach one of my employees, and I am not having it. 189 00:06:17,042 --> 00:06:18,441 So, what do you need? 190 00:06:18,528 --> 00:06:19,674 I, uh, well... 191 00:06:19,761 --> 00:06:24,199 Title bump, money bump... You are getting a promotion. 192 00:06:24,286 --> 00:06:25,608 You are gonna be the new 193 00:06:25,695 --> 00:06:28,418 Head of Activewear and Zeitgeist. 194 00:06:28,794 --> 00:06:30,832 Oh, my God, this is my dream job. 195 00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:32,684 I told my guidance counselor 196 00:06:32,771 --> 00:06:34,471 that I wanted to do this and she laughed in my face. 197 00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,011 All right, everyone. 198 00:06:36,149 --> 00:06:37,957 Come in, we're celebrating! 199 00:06:38,044 --> 00:06:41,121 And bring a knife so we can cut this into 20 pieces! 200 00:06:41,864 --> 00:06:45,694 Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" 201 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,004 and it is not okay for you, 202 00:06:48,138 --> 00:06:49,985 an elite white man of privilege, 203 00:06:50,072 --> 00:06:51,144 to bully them. 204 00:06:51,231 --> 00:06:54,277 Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay. 205 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,326 Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to. 206 00:06:57,413 --> 00:06:59,320 Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden. 207 00:06:59,407 --> 00:07:00,930 Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?! 208 00:07:01,017 --> 00:07:02,489 Jay... No, no, I've had it. 209 00:07:02,576 --> 00:07:04,233 I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, 210 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,801 they're gonna ruin football? 211 00:07:05,904 --> 00:07:09,306 In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, 212 00:07:09,393 --> 00:07:11,164 captained by Knish Bronstein, 213 00:07:11,251 --> 00:07:13,008 took on the Lincoln Banditos, 214 00:07:13,095 --> 00:07:16,066 QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales. 215 00:07:16,216 --> 00:07:19,048 And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates 216 00:07:19,135 --> 00:07:20,750 at the bottom of dog piles, 217 00:07:20,837 --> 00:07:22,609 we shook hands like brothers 218 00:07:22,696 --> 00:07:24,787 and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads 219 00:07:24,874 --> 00:07:26,433 in Pierogi-Town. 220 00:07:26,735 --> 00:07:28,208 America. 221 00:07:28,769 --> 00:07:30,340 Beautiful melting pot. 222 00:07:30,571 --> 00:07:31,785 Uh... How was that your life? 223 00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,971 You were in high school during the Summer of Love. 224 00:07:34,058 --> 00:07:36,941 Coach Tucker, I don't know why this man is here, 225 00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,935 but he's a member of the "elderly protected class," 226 00:07:40,022 --> 00:07:42,195 and legally we can't contradict him. 227 00:07:42,282 --> 00:07:44,792 I'm sorry, you're gonna have to find a gentler way 228 00:07:44,879 --> 00:07:45,908 to motivate your players. 229 00:07:45,995 --> 00:07:47,743 I don't know any other way to coach. 230 00:07:47,830 --> 00:07:50,963 What we need is advice from someone who played football 231 00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:54,266 but also is a namby-pamby Millennial weirdo. 232 00:07:54,395 --> 00:07:55,870 Thank you for coming. 233 00:07:56,063 --> 00:07:57,487 We're here to teach these gentlemen 234 00:07:57,574 --> 00:07:59,646 how to communicate in the 21st century. 235 00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:02,439 Let's go around and each say the gender pronoun we prefer. 236 00:08:02,526 --> 00:08:03,534 I'll start... 237 00:08:03,621 --> 00:08:06,370 I'm cisgender, he-slash-him. 238 00:08:06,457 --> 00:08:07,769 She-slash-her. 239 00:08:07,856 --> 00:08:09,339 They-slash-them. 240 00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:12,573 Oh, I'm not here to bust chops, Bob is fine. 241 00:08:13,441 --> 00:08:15,214 This is your rugby team? 242 00:08:16,575 --> 00:08:20,058 I am fascinated by this mall story of yours... 243 00:08:20,286 --> 00:08:21,783 So, you say you were shopping? 244 00:08:21,870 --> 00:08:22,965 Yes. 245 00:08:23,423 --> 00:08:25,612 You know me and shoes. 246 00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:29,649 Oh! Well, let's take a look, why don't we? 247 00:08:29,895 --> 00:08:32,955 Ooh! I had no idea your foot was so tiny. 248 00:08:33,042 --> 00:08:38,051 Yes, I am so big in the top and small in the bottom, 249 00:08:38,138 --> 00:08:40,029 like South America herself. 250 00:08:40,116 --> 00:08:41,292 Aww! 251 00:08:41,379 --> 00:08:42,517 Put 'em on. 252 00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:43,511 Really? 253 00:08:43,598 --> 00:08:45,158 I want to see them on your feet. 254 00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:46,887 Yes, miss. 255 00:08:48,106 --> 00:08:51,027 I feel like I am Cinderella. 256 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:53,617 Go on, let's see you strut your stuff. 257 00:08:53,962 --> 00:08:56,722 Pretty shoes. 258 00:08:58,291 --> 00:09:00,456 I've never felt more beautiful! 259 00:09:00,543 --> 00:09:01,745 Uh-huh. 260 00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,650 Okay, I can't watch this anymore! 261 00:09:03,737 --> 00:09:06,542 Mom, please don't take this personally, 262 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,017 but I was shopping with Gloria today 263 00:09:08,104 --> 00:09:09,905 because I wanted to find something sexy 264 00:09:09,992 --> 00:09:11,384 for my weekend away with Bill, 265 00:09:11,471 --> 00:09:14,487 and that's more her thing. 266 00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:15,789 I get it, fine. 267 00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:18,067 I don't always dress like a... steering wheel cover. 268 00:09:18,154 --> 00:09:19,969 You're lashing out. I understand. 269 00:09:20,056 --> 00:09:22,683 Doesn't mean I can't turn it on when I need to. 270 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:23,839 It's not just that. 271 00:09:23,926 --> 00:09:25,899 I guess... I don't really feel like 272 00:09:25,986 --> 00:09:28,447 you're comfortable with my sexuality. 273 00:09:28,575 --> 00:09:32,335 You and Haley can talk about guys and sex, 274 00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:34,892 but you still see me as a 12-year-old. 275 00:09:35,192 --> 00:09:37,611 Honey, I'm sorry. 276 00:09:37,698 --> 00:09:39,814 I'm so sorry if I gave you that impression, 277 00:09:39,901 --> 00:09:41,969 but to be fair, you don't really share 278 00:09:42,056 --> 00:09:43,859 that part of your life with me. 279 00:09:43,946 --> 00:09:46,820 I guess that's valid. 280 00:09:46,907 --> 00:09:49,003 So, are you gonna give me a shot? 281 00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:50,733 Let me tart you up for Bill. 282 00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:53,855 Okay. But it is not just for Bill 283 00:09:53,942 --> 00:09:55,691 because it's also for me because I'm... 284 00:09:55,778 --> 00:09:57,917 I'm reclaiming a part of myself 285 00:09:58,020 --> 00:09:58,746 that I don't think I've really... 286 00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:00,422 There's a lot of this. Yeah. Okay. 287 00:10:01,497 --> 00:10:03,959 This is nuts. First he gets divorced, and now this? 288 00:10:04,046 --> 00:10:05,247 Hmm, they may be related. 289 00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:06,489 Is he still here? 290 00:10:07,825 --> 00:10:09,784 Oh, man. I've been made! 291 00:10:10,036 --> 00:10:11,066 What's he doing? 292 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,753 Uh, he's right behind you. 293 00:10:12,957 --> 00:10:14,045 Dunphy? 294 00:10:14,132 --> 00:10:15,153 Hey, Gil. 295 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,634 Oh, I was just making a pitstop 296 00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,436 on the way to the Bunny Ranch. 297 00:10:18,546 --> 00:10:20,070 I accidentally walked in here 298 00:10:20,157 --> 00:10:22,542 'cause some local said they had great wings. 299 00:10:22,629 --> 00:10:24,642 Didn't realize there were no breasts! 300 00:10:25,489 --> 00:10:27,501 Am I right?! Oh, hey. 301 00:10:27,588 --> 00:10:30,054 You don't have to do this. I'm... I'm Mitch, 302 00:10:30,141 --> 00:10:31,693 I'm Phil's brother-in-law, 303 00:10:31,872 --> 00:10:33,336 and it's okay that you're gay. 304 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:35,942 Whoa! What? Hold on a second now. 305 00:10:36,029 --> 00:10:37,225 That's crazy! 306 00:10:37,312 --> 00:10:38,304 You're gay! 307 00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:39,305 Yes, I know. 308 00:10:39,392 --> 00:10:40,778 It's not the insult you think it is. 309 00:10:40,865 --> 00:10:43,076 Charming as ever. Off you go. Best of luck. 310 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,592 I got this, okay? 311 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:45,988 It's gonna take him some time to... 312 00:10:46,075 --> 00:10:47,222 To accept who he really is. 313 00:10:47,309 --> 00:10:48,181 I'm totally gay. 314 00:10:48,268 --> 00:10:49,625 Wow, you're off to a strong start. 315 00:10:49,712 --> 00:10:50,826 It's just... It's strange 316 00:10:50,913 --> 00:10:52,912 to say it out loud like that, you know? 317 00:10:53,118 --> 00:10:54,295 I'm a gay man. 318 00:10:54,842 --> 00:10:56,631 I'm a big gay man. 319 00:10:57,029 --> 00:10:59,254 Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me. 320 00:10:59,341 --> 00:11:01,144 - Just a weight. - Yeah. 321 00:11:01,255 --> 00:11:02,271 But doesn't it feel great to... 322 00:11:02,358 --> 00:11:03,806 To finally own who you really are? 323 00:11:03,893 --> 00:11:04,731 Yeah, it does. 324 00:11:04,818 --> 00:11:05,941 I remember admitting to my dad 325 00:11:06,028 --> 00:11:06,976 I was into magic. 326 00:11:07,063 --> 00:11:09,411 It's not the same, Dunphy. 327 00:11:09,498 --> 00:11:11,037 It's just not... 328 00:11:11,124 --> 00:11:13,015 God, I have so many questions for you, though. 329 00:11:13,102 --> 00:11:16,285 Hey, hey, first time I walked into this bar, I did, too. 330 00:11:16,372 --> 00:11:17,382 Fire away. 331 00:11:17,562 --> 00:11:18,745 Okay. 332 00:11:18,832 --> 00:11:20,280 I'm just not comfortable opening up 333 00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:21,791 in front of the breeder here, okay? 334 00:11:21,878 --> 00:11:23,436 You have more kids than I do! 335 00:11:23,523 --> 00:11:24,751 That's homophobic, man! 336 00:11:24,838 --> 00:11:27,365 Hey, Phil, why don't... why don't you grab us some drinks? 337 00:11:27,698 --> 00:11:29,810 Okay. Fine. 338 00:11:30,570 --> 00:11:31,663 Yeah. 339 00:11:33,297 --> 00:11:35,702 Whoa. Wow, hi. 340 00:11:35,789 --> 00:11:37,552 It's my lucky day. Thank you for that. 341 00:11:37,639 --> 00:11:38,941 But I'm afraid I'm taken. 342 00:11:39,028 --> 00:11:39,900 That's too bad. 343 00:11:39,987 --> 00:11:41,976 Why is it so hard for me to meet someone? 344 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,922 I, um... 345 00:11:44,349 --> 00:11:46,507 I have the perfect guy for you. 346 00:11:46,845 --> 00:11:48,884 He has got a great sense of humor, big heart. 347 00:11:48,971 --> 00:11:50,820 I have a thing for red heads. 348 00:11:50,907 --> 00:11:53,055 He's with me. Uh, the other one. 349 00:11:53,142 --> 00:11:54,214 Him? Pass. 350 00:11:54,301 --> 00:11:56,101 He's been lurking around here for weeks. 351 00:11:56,188 --> 00:11:58,694 Like I'm impressed he's "Southern California's number one Realtor." 352 00:11:58,781 --> 00:12:00,022 No, he's not! 353 00:12:00,390 --> 00:12:01,943 Well, what are you afraid of? 354 00:12:02,094 --> 00:12:03,405 I don't know, Mitchell. 355 00:12:03,492 --> 00:12:04,791 I'm so late to the game. 356 00:12:04,878 --> 00:12:06,059 Who's even gonna want me? 357 00:12:06,146 --> 00:12:07,594 Mitchell, um, it's getting late, 358 00:12:07,681 --> 00:12:09,671 and we don't want to keep Mr. Lucas waiting. 359 00:12:09,758 --> 00:12:11,314 Whoa. You're leaving? 360 00:12:11,425 --> 00:12:12,506 But... 361 00:12:13,735 --> 00:12:15,239 You're the first person I ever talked to 362 00:12:15,326 --> 00:12:16,354 about any of this stuff. 363 00:12:16,443 --> 00:12:19,601 Uh, one... one second. 364 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,383 Phil. 365 00:12:21,744 --> 00:12:22,891 I can't leave him this way. 366 00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:24,475 What?! He's a monster! 367 00:12:24,562 --> 00:12:25,721 And not one of the cool ones 368 00:12:25,808 --> 00:12:27,500 created by Industrial Light and Magic! 369 00:12:27,587 --> 00:12:29,424 I know. This... This is a lot to take in, 370 00:12:29,511 --> 00:12:31,827 but I think that there's a really good guy in there 371 00:12:31,914 --> 00:12:33,515 and... and he needs me. 372 00:12:33,659 --> 00:12:36,089 I'm sorry, you go, have fun. 373 00:12:36,176 --> 00:12:38,124 You're... You're picking him over me?! 374 00:12:38,211 --> 00:12:39,769 No. I just need to make sure he's okay. 375 00:12:39,856 --> 00:12:41,711 Look, I-I'll try and get there if I can. 376 00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:42,929 Do, or do not. 377 00:12:43,016 --> 00:12:44,206 There is no try. 378 00:12:44,293 --> 00:12:46,283 Please don't Yoda me. 379 00:12:48,041 --> 00:12:50,014 Twenty years ago, I was in this bar, 380 00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:51,248 feeling just like you do. 381 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:54,083 And this really nice guy came up to talk to me. 382 00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:57,506 I-I think he could see how lost and alone I was. 383 00:12:57,593 --> 00:12:58,937 And, I don't know, 384 00:12:59,024 --> 00:13:01,874 it felt like my whole world opened up that day. 385 00:13:02,227 --> 00:13:03,872 Wow, that's a touching story. 386 00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:06,522 So when are we gonna start touching? 387 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,534 I'm sorry, what? 388 00:13:08,649 --> 00:13:10,312 I say we head out to the parking lot, 389 00:13:10,399 --> 00:13:12,575 get a little crazy in my ex-wife's minivan, huh? 390 00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:14,413 No! No, gross! 391 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,062 Fine, Prince Harry. 392 00:13:16,149 --> 00:13:17,497 I'll pop for a hotel room. 393 00:13:17,584 --> 00:13:18,685 But that means we're doing everything. 394 00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,390 Okay. Y-You're awful! 395 00:13:20,477 --> 00:13:22,111 Well, at least I'm not a tease. 396 00:13:22,198 --> 00:13:23,745 What a waste of an afternoon. 397 00:13:23,832 --> 00:13:25,944 Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out. 398 00:13:26,031 --> 00:13:27,616 Feeling kind of lost and alone. 399 00:13:27,703 --> 00:13:28,874 You, run. 400 00:13:28,961 --> 00:13:30,655 C-C-Can someone give me a ride? 401 00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:32,435 I need to go after the guy I was here with. 402 00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,256 Let's go. He's worth it. 403 00:13:34,343 --> 00:13:35,334 Ooh, a hat. 404 00:13:35,421 --> 00:13:36,844 Fun. 405 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,802 I don't know about this. 406 00:13:38,922 --> 00:13:41,124 Come on, honey, I picked it out. 407 00:13:41,211 --> 00:13:43,304 I'm not gonna judge you. I swear. 408 00:13:43,922 --> 00:13:45,858 You look beautiful. 409 00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:47,060 I love it. 410 00:13:47,147 --> 00:13:49,491 Really? It's not too much? 411 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:52,433 Let the prudes leave something to the imagination. 412 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:56,082 Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get a piece of that," huh? 413 00:13:57,521 --> 00:13:58,571 Uch. 414 00:13:58,665 --> 00:14:01,645 How about lingerie? 415 00:14:01,756 --> 00:14:02,941 Mm. 416 00:14:03,028 --> 00:14:07,256 Yes, um, I would love your input on my lingerie. 417 00:14:07,343 --> 00:14:09,231 What would Bill like? 418 00:14:09,336 --> 00:14:11,017 Oh, something with snaps. 419 00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:12,594 He doesn't like complicated garments. 420 00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,163 He's easily frustrated. 421 00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:17,190 That is so fun to know. 422 00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:18,600 Um, can I just say, 423 00:14:18,687 --> 00:14:23,313 I am so comfortable with your sexuality. 424 00:14:23,482 --> 00:14:29,153 Canjust say that your comfort with my sexuality 425 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:33,239 has made me more comfortable with my sexuality. 426 00:14:33,326 --> 00:14:35,951 Can I just say that if I had my gun in my purse, 427 00:14:36,038 --> 00:14:37,731 I would shoot myself. 428 00:14:46,632 --> 00:14:48,281 Phil! 429 00:14:48,649 --> 00:14:49,983 Phil! 430 00:14:52,044 --> 00:14:53,302 What are you doing? 431 00:14:53,389 --> 00:14:54,795 I am so sorry! 432 00:14:54,882 --> 00:14:56,705 Well, you should be! 433 00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:57,798 Phil! 434 00:14:57,943 --> 00:15:00,941 Hear him out, he feels terrible! 435 00:15:01,122 --> 00:15:03,312 You were right about Gil! He's awful! 436 00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:05,638 He has no redeeming qualities, 437 00:15:05,725 --> 00:15:07,724 well, except for his taste in men! 438 00:15:07,811 --> 00:15:10,252 You know how important this was to me?! 439 00:15:10,339 --> 00:15:11,411 Of course! 440 00:15:11,498 --> 00:15:13,488 I-I'm as big a Star Wars fan as you are! 441 00:15:13,575 --> 00:15:15,778 It was never about Star Wars! 442 00:15:16,019 --> 00:15:18,330 It was about spending time with you! 443 00:15:18,447 --> 00:15:20,026 Oh, really?! 444 00:15:20,130 --> 00:15:21,658 Yes! 445 00:15:21,799 --> 00:15:24,666 Well, I love spending time with you! 446 00:15:25,144 --> 00:15:26,159 You do?! 447 00:15:26,246 --> 00:15:27,502 Totally! 448 00:15:27,589 --> 00:15:29,579 You're like the brother I never had! 449 00:15:29,666 --> 00:15:31,597 What?! That's crazy cakes! 450 00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:34,134 - I say that about you all the time! - Stop it! 451 00:15:34,221 --> 00:15:36,745 I had a totally different idea about what this was, 452 00:15:36,832 --> 00:15:38,371 but it's still beautiful! 453 00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:40,416 Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road! 454 00:15:42,425 --> 00:15:44,170 Hey, what's going on? 455 00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:45,654 Today's been a lot. 456 00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:47,298 Ugh. Same. 457 00:15:47,434 --> 00:15:48,757 You know, I don't say it enough, 458 00:15:48,844 --> 00:15:52,018 but I am so glad that you and I can talk about anything. 459 00:15:52,105 --> 00:15:53,213 Something happen with Alex? 460 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,039 I don't want to talk about it. 461 00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,387 What brings you to the floor? 462 00:15:57,531 --> 00:15:59,806 Well... 463 00:16:00,491 --> 00:16:03,258 it seems I've gone and gotten myself... 464 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:05,822 promoted. 465 00:16:06,319 --> 00:16:08,631 Haley, that's fantastic! 466 00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:09,719 Yeah. 467 00:16:09,806 --> 00:16:13,373 Yeah, I, uh... I get my own parking spot and an "IRA." 468 00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:15,422 I guess that's my assistant's name or something? 469 00:16:15,572 --> 00:16:17,452 Sweetheart, I'm very proud of you. 470 00:16:17,539 --> 00:16:19,633 You really pulled it together. 471 00:16:19,861 --> 00:16:22,591 Yeah, well, I still have a lot of stuff to figure out. 472 00:16:22,678 --> 00:16:23,636 Of course you do. 473 00:16:23,723 --> 00:16:25,164 Everyone does at your age. 474 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,133 Boy, I know I did. 475 00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:30,090 Did you ever regret having me when you did? 476 00:16:30,177 --> 00:16:32,301 Like how it kinda derailed your career? 477 00:16:32,388 --> 00:16:33,509 Hmm... 478 00:16:33,639 --> 00:16:36,372 I didn't love it at first. 479 00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:39,850 But then I saw this face. 480 00:16:39,938 --> 00:16:41,299 Mm. 481 00:16:41,394 --> 00:16:42,911 And you were lucky enough to have Dad. 482 00:16:42,998 --> 00:16:44,570 He was born to be a parent. 483 00:16:44,657 --> 00:16:46,907 This is gonna come as a surprise to you, 484 00:16:46,994 --> 00:16:49,651 but your dad was a different guy than you think. 485 00:16:49,738 --> 00:16:51,920 What?! Who?! Is that why I'm so short?! 486 00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:53,133 No! Haley! 487 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:54,080 Oh. 488 00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:55,715 When I met your father, 489 00:16:55,802 --> 00:16:57,758 he did not have his life together. 490 00:16:58,032 --> 00:16:59,203 But to his credit, 491 00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:00,921 he really stepped up when I got pregnant, 492 00:17:01,008 --> 00:17:02,364 and I think that's what made it work. 493 00:17:02,451 --> 00:17:04,533 You know, having someone to depend on. 494 00:17:04,620 --> 00:17:05,591 Hmm. 495 00:17:05,678 --> 00:17:07,036 How did I get down this road? 496 00:17:07,123 --> 00:17:08,761 I don't know! 497 00:17:08,848 --> 00:17:09,973 Beats me. 498 00:17:10,126 --> 00:17:11,597 Bye! 499 00:17:11,684 --> 00:17:13,243 Okay. 500 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,102 Why is Alex leaving the house dressed like a flasher? 501 00:17:17,189 --> 00:17:18,801 She and I agreed not to discuss it. 502 00:17:18,915 --> 00:17:21,383 Her sexual awakening has been tough on all of us. 503 00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:22,720 Yes. 504 00:17:23,351 --> 00:17:25,450 Second and 6 for the Dolphins. 505 00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:30,164 Thompson, I see you, I hear you, and I'm listening! 506 00:17:30,323 --> 00:17:32,717 I would have preferred you stuck to the play we called, 507 00:17:32,804 --> 00:17:35,359 but I respect your independent spirit! 508 00:17:37,130 --> 00:17:40,478 Okay, Pitkowski, treat the area around the quarterback 509 00:17:40,565 --> 00:17:41,727 as a "safe space," 510 00:17:41,814 --> 00:17:43,729 and think of the other team's defenders 511 00:17:43,816 --> 00:17:47,641 as destructive thoughts trying to attack our self-esteem! 512 00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:48,801 It's not working. 513 00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:51,180 I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. 514 00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:52,305 Hey! 515 00:17:52,392 --> 00:17:54,483 You died out and became Swedes! 516 00:17:54,570 --> 00:17:58,508 Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression! 517 00:17:58,665 --> 00:17:59,968 Our championship is on the line. 518 00:18:00,055 --> 00:18:01,453 You gotta do something. 519 00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:07,758 Men, this is the biggest moment of your life 520 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,539 and I don't know how to fire you up! 521 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,859 My original plan was to come in here, 522 00:18:13,946 --> 00:18:15,577 single out the under-performers 523 00:18:15,664 --> 00:18:17,609 and throw diapers at them! 524 00:18:17,891 --> 00:18:21,123 Now I realize that could be interpreted as insensitive 525 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,623 or, perhaps, anti-baby! 526 00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:25,140 I'm sorry, 527 00:18:25,287 --> 00:18:30,490 but the football field was always my safe space, okay?! 528 00:18:30,589 --> 00:18:32,261 It's where, in high school, 529 00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:35,818 I first gained the respect of my peers, 530 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,428 and if I'm being honest, 531 00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:38,911 where I'd hoped I'd finally gain 532 00:18:38,998 --> 00:18:40,763 the admiration of my father-in-law. 533 00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,904 Now I feel like I've just... 534 00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:45,732 let you all down. 535 00:18:46,803 --> 00:18:49,177 You want to know how I feel? 536 00:18:50,023 --> 00:18:53,037 Hurt... that Coach Tucker doesn't know 537 00:18:53,124 --> 00:18:54,434 how much we appreciate him. 538 00:18:54,521 --> 00:18:57,435 Triggered... because he's got to apologize 539 00:18:57,522 --> 00:18:58,426 for a few words 540 00:18:58,513 --> 00:18:59,989 after all he's done 541 00:19:00,076 --> 00:19:02,943 to prove himself as a man and a coach. 542 00:19:03,194 --> 00:19:04,896 I've admired you for a long time 543 00:19:04,983 --> 00:19:07,396 and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me... 544 00:19:07,493 --> 00:19:09,857 And I'm "cissy-gendered" enough to admit it. 545 00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:11,318 And from now on, 546 00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:13,473 I'm gonna make sure that Coach Tucker knows 547 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,374 he's a person of value I admire and respect. 548 00:19:19,083 --> 00:19:22,420 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 549 00:19:22,983 --> 00:19:25,920 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 550 00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:29,622 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 551 00:19:29,913 --> 00:19:33,373 Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect! 552 00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,441 Now let's go take it to these guys, 553 00:19:35,528 --> 00:19:37,401 who I'm sure are blessed with other gifts 554 00:19:37,488 --> 00:19:38,819 but are not great at football! 555 00:19:38,906 --> 00:19:40,069 Let's go! 556 00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,310 Can you believe they bought it? 557 00:19:47,059 --> 00:19:48,521 Bought what? 558 00:19:50,171 --> 00:19:53,223 We live in sensitive times. 559 00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:54,735 Nothing? 560 00:19:55,671 --> 00:19:57,491 No brain at all? 561 00:19:57,759 --> 00:19:59,671 Well, that's gonna hurt my career. 562 00:19:59,915 --> 00:20:03,405 So we must evolve if we want to succeed. 563 00:20:06,989 --> 00:20:11,107 Sometimes that requires us to share our vulnerabilities... 564 00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:11,786 Thanks. 565 00:20:11,873 --> 00:20:15,874 So that we can see one another in a new way. 566 00:20:16,013 --> 00:20:17,327 How are you doing? 567 00:20:17,665 --> 00:20:19,515 I think I'm okay with it. 568 00:20:19,841 --> 00:20:21,233 I'm scared. 569 00:20:21,408 --> 00:20:25,437 But it's less scary knowing I'm going through it with you. 570 00:20:28,248 --> 00:20:31,047 That concludes today's non-denominational 571 00:20:31,134 --> 00:20:33,163 inspirational affirmation. 572 00:20:33,282 --> 00:20:36,601 Have the day that's right for you. 573 00:20:37,817 --> 00:20:40,417 Let's see those little bastards complain about that. 574 00:20:40,584 --> 00:20:41,865 Oh, no! 575 00:20:44,163 --> 00:20:47,577 That's right, guys, high knees, high knees. 576 00:20:47,774 --> 00:20:49,485 Commie to your left! 577 00:20:49,657 --> 00:20:51,265 Commie to your right! 578 00:20:51,829 --> 00:20:53,353 Stop dragging, Pitkowski, 579 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,854 they're coming after your sweetheart! 580 00:20:54,941 --> 00:20:56,197 You know what they did to Poland! 581 00:20:56,284 --> 00:20:57,484 Well, I want to stop this, 582 00:20:57,571 --> 00:20:58,500 but there's nothing in the guidelines 583 00:20:58,587 --> 00:20:59,882 about Communists. 584 00:20:59,999 --> 00:21:02,327 Now, we're high like a hippie! 585 00:21:02,414 --> 00:21:03,606 We're bending over 586 00:21:03,693 --> 00:21:05,785 - like a... - Okay! Shut it down, Jay! 587 00:21:05,882 --> 00:21:08,648 All right, boys, hydrate like I taught you. 588 00:21:10,086 --> 00:21:11,516 Attaboy. 589 00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:15,302 There you go. 590 00:21:19,607 --> 00:21:22,407 Captions by VITA... Sync corrections by srjanapala