Original subtitles

That's a very bold move.

That's a terrible decision.

With the greatest respect.

I think you're an idiot.

I'll bear that in mind.

I've already forgotten about it.

Correct, we're in a bit of a pickle.

We're all going to die.

Very good, you're really getting the hang of it.

Thank you, I've been practising.

Although your self-deprecation. Needs some work.

THEY CHUCKLE

You need to be careful, Cecil,

or you'll over-exercise that horse.

We're toast of the town.

The open-air opera, garden party,

grouse shooting, which we'll decline on conservational grounds.

And I've been asked to give a talk

on Boston cuisine to the Women's Institute.

And you've been asked if you'd like to join the Village Darts League.

Hmm, would I?

Well, according to Mrs Umney,

it involves men hurling pointed missiles at a target.

And what red-blooded male wouldn't like it? Mm.

Although maybe not one for the boys.

But it's nice they've made friends, though,

and Ginny and Cecil Canterville seem to get on well,

maybe a little too well.

Well, Ginny's got more sense than to get involved with an engaged man.

Yeah, of course she does.

You know what, Hiram?

I feel we've turned a corner.

This place is starting to feel like home.

You know...

we should hold a ball,

show them we're here to stay.

A ball?

Oh, it's English for partying, you know,

it's dinner and dancing and fancy dress.

Oh, when are you thinking?

Oh, Ch ristmas-time.

Like a snowball.

Theme - festive spirit.

Sure.

Is it not going well?

Teething problems.

Sweetie, you've already made one fortune for this family,

that should be enough for anyone.

Quieter.

Oh!

The clammer cleaves my brain like a...

cleaver.

Faster,

but not so fast.

There.

This introspection is bad for your performance.

These people are evidently

on a lowly material plane of existence,

quite incapable of appreciating the symbolic values

of sensuous phenomena.

I wilt not play before such an unappreciative audience.

There is the small matter of your contractual obligation

to appear once a week

and jibber from the grand staircase.

Er...

Gaunt Gideon.

Tired cliche.

He's a classic, literally a heart stopper.

I'll wager he could teach those fellow cubs a lesson

they'll wish they could forget.

Um, I'll just leave it here, then.

Hmm.

DOG BARKS

Here.

The plan should be inside this.

Oh!

Wait, they're the same.

No priest hole.

This isn't the master plan.

There has to be another one.

Wait.

The box is wrong.

The dimensions, it's deep on the outside.

There has to be a secret compartment.

It's a puzzle, right?

So there must be a key.

A key.

It's the key.

OTHERS: What?

This symbol means moon.

The moon. Press the moon.

Nothing.

Try all of them.

THEY LAUGH

SHE SIGHS

ls there a problem?

This machine is 70 years old

and, er, sometimes needs a bit of a rest.

A minute usually does it.

Oh, look at you!

Mm.

HOOVER STARTS

How about that?

They don't make them like that any more, Mrs Umney.

They certainly don't, sir.

Where's Cecil?

What's the matter, Moppy?

The wedding is off!

MOPPY-

What's the point of drawing plans for a secret tunnel

and not showing how to get in?

In case they fall into the wrong pair of hands.

But we mark somewhere.

We just have to find it.

So you keep saying, what a waste of time.

ALL: Oh!

Sorry, I'll dry it, OK.

Stop, it's burning!

Now look what you've clone.

It's not burnt.

That's writing.

What is that?

"Patron.

The secret code of our people."

So what does it all mean?

BOTH: I have no idea.

The wedding, Cecil.

We have a situation.

Can we talk about this in private?

Whatever for? This concerns us all.

Prince Richard is making a Commonwealth tour

and will be in the Bahamas for the wedding.

That's, um...

"terrible.

You're telling me. The weather in the Caribbean is filthy that time of year.

Mush, daddy!

The only reason Hello are coming is on the condition that he's there.

No Prince Richard equals no wedding.

It's not the end of the world if we delay it.

Thankfully, there's no need for that.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

Debbo has sorted everything.

I had a word with Carol Wales

and she was frightfully understanding.

Found a window in their diary for December.

And to apologise for the inconvenience,

Dickie has offered to give away the bride.

Suits me.

December is...

it's less than two months.

I know what you're thinking, but it's all sorted.

Christmas trees instead of flowers.

Carols from King's College Cambridge Choir replace the Bedouin tents with ice igloos.

Midsummer Night's Dream becomes...

Narnia.

Where did you get these?

In an old map we found.

Can you translate them?

These are letters.

M-C-L.

And this is the nut of the four winds.

And this a cockerel feather.

What about the others?

The diamonds in the wheel, I don't recognise.

Only that is the letterj.

Do you know what it means?

I know that it's for you to find out.

CLOCK TICKS

Good evening, sir Simon.

Thou dost admire my portrait.

The Cantervilles have always been blessed with

pulchritudinous visages.

Forgive me for saying,

but you haven't aged at all well.

The undead age like the living...

just a bit slower.

In time, the flesh will drop from my body,

my repertoire reduced to clanking bones,

and eventually, even they will crumble to dust,

floating in limbo for all eternity.

That's terrible.

Almost 500 years I have not slept.

I'm so tired.

Sir Simon, may I ask about Lady Eleanor?

Whatever for?

Ghastly woman.

Never had my ruff starched properly

and knew nothing, nothing,

about cookery.

She died in 1576,

which is a year after legend says you killed her.

Ginny?

Hi, honey. I thought I heard voices.

Only me. Goodness, it's cold in here.

DOOR OPENS

Beautiful, isn't it?

Sure is.

You know...

even if you haven't found Simeon, Otis,

it doesn't mean you don't belong here

or that you aren't the same man...

an exceptional man who I couldn't be more proud of.

Hiram.

Is there something else?

I'm ruined, Lucy.

Hiram Co over extended and the bank called in the debt.

What?

Hiram, why didn't you tell me?

We were hoping for a last-minute bailout.

I didn't want to worry you until I was certain.

I've lost everything.

It's gone, Lucy.

The company, the money, everything.

No, Hiram,

not everything.

Not anything that matters.

We've got our health...

each other, and we have the children.

How do you think they'll take it?

So does that mean we're leaving?

On the contrary.

The house is the only thing the banks can't seize

because it doesn't belong to the company.

But we are no longer rich.

You give us $20 a week allowance.

You can keep that.

Ancl the treasure, that's if we find it.

Hey, that won't be necessary.

You know, we may not be rich, but we aren't destitute.

I can get a job, Dad.

There's really no need.

You know, I'm going back to work.

Remember, you know, all this is temporary.

Your dad's working hard on his new invention,

and if he can invent one fortune,

hey, I'm sure he can invent another one.

Darn right I can.

See th is, Den by.

The rich, vulgar Americans are now

just vulgar Americans.

Indeed, Your Ladyship.

Let's see if the boy will come to his senses now.

My dad was never cut out for the boardroom.

Turns out the guy he left in charge wasn't either.

Over expanded in Southeast Asia just before the economic downturn.

Are you leaving?

The chase, it appears is the only roof we have left over our heads.

I'm glad.

Not about...

I'm glad you aren't leaving.

Not when I've just learned the language.

I need to tell you something...

about the wedding.

Can it wait?

I have to get back.

Come on, jim.

See you soon.

Oh! Stop making a mess.

Cockerel feather, four winds M-C—L-j,

diamond, wheel of clubs and two diamonds.

Can you turn that darn thing off?

We're trying to think here.

We've been staring at it for clays.

No, we need a different plan.

Have you got one?

Capture the ghost and don't release him until he's told us where the priest's hole is.

Like we can catch a ghost.

We aren't Ghostbusters.

The ghost is made of atoms, particles of matter like dust.

And how do we trap dust?

Sitronic technology. Exactly.

All we need to do is calculate the mass and recalibrate.

Sweetie, did you know the Stilton Canterville Wedding's been moved forward?

This December 18th now.

Why would that affect me?

Would you like some eggs, miss?

No, thank you, Mrs Umney.

I'm not very hungry.

I think I'll skip breakfast.

What's all that about?

Hiram, can you not see what's going on right under your nose?

Mushrooms, sir.

Mm.

I take it you've heard?

What's it to do with me?

Virginia and I are just friends.

I am neither blind nor senile,

and I won't let you risk this marriage.

This isn't just about you,

it's about the future of this family.

Sounds more like a merger than a marriage.

That's exactly what it is.

The British aristocracy are becoming an endangered species.

Money and birthright no longer go hand in hand.

If we are to survive, we must stick together.

You have two choices, Cecil.

Mary Moppy Stilton...

or throw your lot in with a penniless American

and become a pauper too.

I will cut you off without a penny

and leave Fanshawe to the National Trust.

So...

what's it to be?

MOPPY: Cecil!

Are you there? Coming!

I'm glad you've seen sense.

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK, honey?

Sure. Why wouldn't I be?

Not riding today?

I don't feel like it.

Look, I don't want to interfere.

Mom, you always say that right before you interfere.

When you have kids yourself you'll realise it's in the job description.

And I couldn't help but notice that you and Cecil have gotten close.

And maybe the wedding moving forward is for the best.

Mom, I appreciate the concern, but you're way off the mark.

Cecil and I are just friends,

and I couldn't be happier for him.

Sure.

All I'm saying is I'm here if you want to talk.

Actually, Mom, I've some work in the library I need to do.

Dad's genealogy project.

Not exactly.

That's it right there. Now tie it up.

Come on, it's heavy.

I'm trying. Then try harder.

Here goes.

All right.

EVIL LAUGH

"The most ignominious chapter in this family's history.

Suffice said he was a wicked man who killed his wife

and after stole the family's jewels and fled as a thief in the night.

Once justice struck,

set upon by his wife's brothers

and bricked up alive within his own walls

so he would never be shriven."

I'm guessing you've tried giving it a rest.

She's at rest for good now, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Never failed me in over 50 years.

I suppose I shouldn't get upset over a machine.

Oh, no, no, I know exactly what you mean.

I mean, Bessie here, she's part of the family.

You want me to take a look?

I know a thing or two about vacuums,

bet there's life in the old girl yet.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

So, tell me,

why all the interest in Sir Simon?

His so-called legend is full of inconsistencies.

It says he killed his wife,

but Lady Eleanor died in 1576.

Ancl here it says he was murdered by his wife's brothers,

who at the time were aged just 11 and 12.

Intriguing.

Sounds like you have a cold case on your hands.

Unless he had another wife.

LOUD WHOOSHING

Aah.

Aah.

I am the Otis ghost.

The only true and original spook.

Beware of imitations.

All others are counterfeits.

How dare thee!

Trespass upon Canterville!

On my path not.

Away ye!

EVIL LAUGH

No!

Oh!

Got you. What will you do with it?

Analyse the mass atom ratio.

You can do that? We know a man who can.

I was tricked.

Tricked, foiled and outwitted.

They defiled me,

I am mutilated.

Incomplete.

The haunter

has become the hunted.

HE HUMS

Darn it.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad. Hey, guys.

What do you need?

We just want to work out the massed atom ratio.

Of what?

Oh, then you'll need to run a de-formulation program me.

Can I ask what it is?

Just kid's stuff. We're trying to make a new type of stink bomb.

Mm-hmm.

Well, this ought to do it.

That's the mass atom analyser.

You're welcome to use it on one condition.

You tell me what you're really doing.

Truth this time.

It's Sir Simon.

Sir Simon?

As in... The ghost.

Well, a sample of the many way... We're trying to work out his mass

so we can make a ghost catcher.

Then we'll force him to tell us where the Canterville treasure is buried.

Oh, you will?

Well, you got it all figured out.

Be my guest.

EXCITED CHATTERING

How are you...?

Hmm.

Well, never mind.

WHIZZING

TICKER TAPE CLICKS

A human adult is made of approximately octillion atoms.

However, part ghost here comprises of just half that

and they appear to be lighter.

So he's like us.

Just less substantial.

Exactly. So what we really need to do is recalibrate the cyclone

and we can suck them up.

How are we going to do that one, Einstein? Sitronic technology, obviously.

Is this really necessary?

I wouldst not expect a hedge-born fustilarian

to appreciate the nuances of an understated performance,

and there is a great deal to be said for this invention.

I'm sorry it's not better news.

Every internal part would need replacing,

so while she'd look the same on the outside,

inside, there'd be nothing left of the original.

I don't think she'd like that, sir.

Neither do I, Mrs Umney.

I appreciate you trying,

but all good things come to an end.

Not necessarily.

Some good things should be preserved,

which is why

I like you to talk to this guy.

Dr Leonard Glanville,

curator of the Museum of Domestic Science in Detroit.

I hope you don't mind, but it's rare to find an item

like this in such well-maintained condition.

And with your agreement,

he'd like to acquire her.

There's a museum of domestic science?

Americans have a museum for everything.

Well, you can see for yourself if you say yes.

She'll be preserved and put on display for all to admire,

which seems much more fitting than a scrapheap.

Indeed it does, sir.

SAD VIOLIN MUSIC

Oooh!

Fibber, 'fibber, 'fibber, 'fibber.

I'm not sure they can hear you with the bag.

Oh!

♪ Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace

♪ Hail the Son of Righteousness

♪ Light and life to all He brings

♪ Risen with healing in His wings

♪ Mild He lays His glory by

♪ Born that we no more may die

♪ Born to raise...♪.

Season's greetings.

Henry jaundice, Attorney at Law.

Janice Reynolds Insolvency Litigation Specialists,

London Office.

It was good of you to come all this way, Mr jaundice.

There are a lot of documents for signature,

so it was thought best

to send someone to witness them in person.

And, as it transpires,

a delightful interlude.

What a magnificent abode,

it's like stepping back in time.

You don't know the half of it.

♪ ..And a partridge in a pear tree

♪ On the third day of Christmas

♪ My true love sent to me

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree... ♪

Slow down.

♪ On the fourth day of Christmas

♪ My true love sent to me

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge in... ♪

But there's been a mistake here.

Chase is our family home, so therefore exempt.

Oh, yes, an anomaly was spotted.

♪ ..Five gold rings... ♪

Mm-mm!

Oh, this is excellent.

Imperial jasmine Oolong from the...

Wuyi mountains, if I'm correct.

Thank you, I don't really...

What kind of anomaly?

The Chase was purchased with company funds

and only later transferred to the family,

rendering it liable to be seized

by the company creditors.

Did you not receive notification from your legal team?

The communications around here are rather erratic.

There must be something we can do.

Some legal loophole.

I'm afraid not.

It's all there, signed and notarised.

Rather annoying, I expect.

Rather.

♪ Five gold rings! ♪

Marvellous!

I was in an a cappella group

at Corpus Christi

Rat Bite Choir.

Those were the clays.

Anyway, I won't stay in your hair.

I can see you're hard at work

at a veritable explosion of Yuletide festivities.

♪ Five gold rings! ♪

Excellent.

It only remains for me to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Where will we live?

Your grandparents' cottage in Maine.

They've said we can stay there just till we get back on our feet.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I've let you all down.

It's OK, Dad.

It's not like I have any reason to stay.

Er, we do.

We're this close to finding the cannibal treasure.

So when do we leave?

We got till Christmas.

Well, the hall's already paid for.

So if we're going, we'll go out with a bang

and we'll throw the best ball this county's ever seen.

Right, kids?

I suppose you've heard the news.

The Chase is up for sale

and the Americans are leaving.

Shame.

Hiram Otis is a top chap.

It's not like they ever fitted in.

No doubt they'll be missed.

Where are you off to in such a hurry?

Riding.

I think Magnus needs the exercise.

You're leaving?

So it seems.

I'm sorry, I...

Don't be. It's not like I have any reason to stay.

What if you did?

Have a reason to stay?

That would depend on the reason.

'N.

I'll sort this out.

Just promise me you won't go.

Please say something.

I'm translating.

I promise.

I'll see you at the ball tomorrow night, we'll talk then.

They are leaving.

I have frightened them away?

Not exactly.

This is for you.

What is it?

A ball on the night of the anniversary of my death.

Theme -

Festive Spirit.

They are holding a celebration in mine hon our.

This I must attend.

Ancl risk running into the body-stealing hell-child is?

Oh, then a discreet attendance.

I shalt...

mingle unrecognised

in plain sight.

This news is positively restorative.

I feel like a new ghost.

I never meant it to happen

or to hurt you.

You're a terrific girl.

Kind and beautiful.

Except perhaps just...

not for me.

I'm so sorry.

Lady Deborah is waiting in the car, Master Cecil.

Coming.

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out

♪ On the feast of Stephen

♪ When the snow lay round about

♪ Deep and crisp and even... ♪

I'm so sorry we were late.

I'll get ready.

Very festive, you have made an effort. Well, you too.

Welcome, so glad you could make it.

Sorry to hear you're selling up.

Oh, thank you. I'm sorry we're going.

I'll come find you.

Yes, such a shame you're going.

But at least you'll be able to attend the wedding.

Welcome, so glad you could make it.

Oh, you need to be on duty tonight, Mrs Umney.

You're here to enjoy yourself.

Who is it you've come as?

Mrs Danvers.

Rebecca is my favourite novel.

Oh, of course.

Judith Anderson.

The only version Daphne du Maurier would have approved of

in my humble opinion.

Humble or not, it is an opinion I admit to sharing.

Sorry.

You, er...

You dropped this.

Thank you.

♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year

♪ With the kids jingle belling

♪ And everyone telling

♪ You be of good cheer... ♪

Can I have a word? Something I'd like to run by.

OK, sure.

♪ Of the ye-e-ear

♪ It's the hap, happiest season

♪ Of all

♪ With those holiday greetings

♪ And gay, happy meetings...'

My Ladyship.

Such an assemblage.

Adorus in mine hon our.

I'm almost humbled.

Oh!

Your pardon, madam.

See, Cesspit, my heart is sooth-ed

to see Canterville once more,

filled with such genteel companies.

To your left.

Cheery-bye, I'm off.

Perhaps I should peruse from a less public place.

DOG GROWLS Hey, boy, What's the matter with him?

He can smell ghost.

DOG BARKS

That lady must have touched him.

DOG BARKS

DOG GROWLS

DOG YELPS

Let's go.

Listen, I know what the score is on Cecil,

and I may be a dunce, but he is my best friend, and I know him, you see.

I... Wait, hear me out.

What I'm saying is...

| don't mind being his leftovers.

Rather used to it, in fact.

And as for money, no object

as it would take an act of Parliament for my father to disinherit me.

Are you...?

Is this a proposal?

I wouldn't tie you down.

Whack out an heir and a spare and then you're free to do your own thing.

And I think we'd rub along quite nicely, so what...?

What do you... what do you say?

Rafe,

can you take off the sunglasses?

Yeah, sure, of course, yeah.

Rafe, you're...

a great gm!-

You don't need to be anyone's leftovers,

because one clay you'll find a woman who deserves you.

Just promise me that before then

you'll work on your proposal speech.

Roger that.

THEY LAUGH

Still isn't a no, is it?

♪ ..a great big smile on somebody's face... ♪

He must have gone up. Everyone know what you're doing?

Go, go, go'

DOG BARKS

♪ Don't you lock your doors

♪ You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

♪ Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

♪ When the kids start singing and the band begins to play... ♪

You look wonderful, my clear.

Quite like you're going into battle.

Prize being Prince Charming?

But remember, clear, Joan of Arc was burnt.

Ancl this isn't a fairy tale.

There will be no happy ever after for Cecil

if he makes an unsuitable match.

I will disinherit him and all his grand plans for Fanshawe will come to nothing.

You would force him to marry a woman he doesn't love.

Love is...

such a lower-class concept.

You imagine it shines so bright it will conquer all.

Trust me, the lust will fade when you're in social housing,

wondering how to pay the electricity bill.

You're wrong.

Cecil doesn't care about any of that.

He loves me.

I'm sure he does.

The question is, without all this,

can he love himself?

Sometimes, my dear, the greatest act of love

is to let go.

♪ Why don't you give your love

♪ For Christmas. ♪

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Alone at last.

So I've been trying to get away all evening.

Listen, I haven't had the chance to tell Moppy yet.

Good. Don't.

What?

Why?

It would be a mistake.

We were a mistake that got out of hand.

It's not too late to put it right. I don't want to put it right.

I want you.

Ancl lose Fanshawe?

You've been talking to my grandmother.

You mustn't listen to her.

I can't be the woman of your dreams

because I can't make your dreams come true.

There he is!

DOG BARKS

NOW!

Aarghg

White sorcery...

is this!

Oh, I demonish...

Keep going, it's working.

Oh!

Help me!

Oh!

Take that!

WOMAN: Must be a trick or something.

APPLAUSE

Well clone!

We'll talk about this later.

Blow me over if it didn't work.

How did you do it?

Adhesive vapour in a cylinder.

You don't say.

It would have worked too, if not for that darn rat.

He's probably gone to ground by now.

At least we know it works next time.

May not be a next time, we're leaving.

Yeah, you're right.

This is our leaving party.

So let's go back in there, eat, dance and have a good time.

Yes.

Hey, you coming?

Four winds and a cockerel

and look at the wind spinner.

What about it?

It should be spinning, especially in a wind like this.

It's pointing towards the chapel.

I'm sorry about my brothers, but if it's any consolation,

we're leaving soon.

Thou art grief stricken,

but canst console thyself.

Even if she is a Fanshawe,

she didst speak the truth.

The sign of the House of Canterville aligned with a penniless colonial

past child-bearing years is unthinkable.

But if be true and thine hearts lie entwined,

then nought can prevent him from taking thee as his mistress.

Thank you for the consolation, Sir Simon,

but I've had the Cantervilles up to here for one night.

Virginia, look...

Rafe, please.

Not now I have to go. Hear me out.

I heard what you said, and I've given it a rethink.

No, no, no, no, really.

I've re-thought the whole thing, it's much improved, um...

I should probably have a ring for this but you could...

We... You can just pretend.

Virginia Otis, you are a goddess amongst...

amongst all the other girls.

Would you do me the hon our?

Desist from spewing forth unwanted attentions

upon this maiden,

or I shall rip out thy filthy mouth from thy body.

Submit or thou diest, Knave.

Submit, submit.

Thank you.

A trifle.

The Stiltons have always over exalted themselves

and their womenfolk resemble horses.

I like horses.

HE LAUGHS

There, You see, thou canst forget that grief.

It's your interlude.

'N.

I fool myself.

The pain of lost love never healeth.

It is almost 500 years from the day my love died.

The pain doth grow sharper...

with every hour that passes.

Sir Simon...

did you have another wife?

LUTE MUSIC PLAYS

Ethelinda.

You had a son?

I didst kill them both.

Ancl I am cursed to the torture of limbo for mine actions.

But that was nearly half a millennium

and whatever your crime

the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial.

The Sixth Amendment

as enshrined in the US Constitution.

Your words are meaningless.

I guess...

| guess what I'm saying is,

if you still want me,

I'll plead your case before the Angel of Death.

Thou didst declare thyself unworthy.

You can't just sit back and watch a clear miscarriage of justice.

Every crime has mitigation.

And given you've shown remorse,

and taking into account time spent

on remand in limbo,

I'd say we had a chance.

Thou wouldst do this for me?

What are we looking for?

I have no idea.

Let's hope we know when we find it.

The fourth dimension.

Fraught with danger

and ne'er for the faint hearted.

I'm not afraid.

Who is that?

Counsel for the prosecution.

They call him the great orator because he never loses a case.

I'd wish you luck,

but would be wasting my breath,

metaphorically speaking.

Where were you at the bar?

I'm not.

I haven't graduated yet.

In that case, I wish you a miracle.

All rise.

All rise for the right hon our able Angel of Death.

Your Honour...

You will address me as my Lord.

My Lord, I would like to ask for an adjournment.

SHOCKED MUTTERING

Counsels, approach the bench.

I've not had an opportunity to review the evidence files.

Defence counsel is extant, My Lord.

This is most unorthodox.

There are prophecy conditions in place, my Lord.

All the evidence will be duly presented in court

and given the case has already taken half a millennium to get to trial,

I myself would like to get out of here in time

for a decent lunch!

MUTTERINGS OF AGREEMENT

Bring in the defendant.

Simon de Canterville,

you are charged with entrapment to marriage,

theft, and wilfully causing the death of your wife and child.

How do you plead?

CHAINS RATTLE

For mercy.

♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales... ♪

Theo is onto something.

How about that? Chip off the old block.

Mrs Otis, have you seen Ginny?

No, not since the twins' performance.

If you see her, will you tell her...

tell her I'm looking for her. Sure.

♪ ..Till I saw her face

♪ Now I'm a believer... ♪

Something's happened between Cecil and Ginny.

9.89 mils of adhesive to...

Go, you know you want to,

before Mrs Umney catches you writing on her best damask.

I love you.

I won't be long.

♪ I thought love was only true in fairy-tales

♪ Meant for someone else but not for me... ♪

Would you like to dance?

Yeah.

♪ ..when all you get it pain... ♪

The prosecution calls Peter Lovell.

For the record, please state your occupation in 1575.

Architect and master builder.

And father...

to sons Murgo and Dicken

and a daughter, Ethelinda.

For the record, Mr Lovell's sons

are currently serving a 1,000-year sentence

in the Garden of Unrest

for the murder of the defendant.

In 1570, you were engaged by Lorcl Henry Canterville

for the design and construction of the great wing.

Yes. How did you feel when you discovered your daughter's romance

with your employer's son and heir?

What do you think?

Romani and Georges have no union with one another.

Despite your objections, you allowed the couple to be handfasted,

a form of marriage in which

the hands are tied together

denoting the binding of two lives.

It sounds highly impractical.

I believe the ties are removed after the ceremony, my Lord.

Crucially, the marriage was morganatic

and unrecognised in English law.

English laws are not recognised by us.

The witness will confine himself to answering the questions.

Ancl yet the defendant broke his vow,

defaulted from the contract...

and married another...

this time a marriage recognised in English law

and in doing so denied the existence of his union

with Ethelinda Lovell.

Ancl what were the repercussions of this perfidy?

She was dishonoured.

Marime, which incurs the ultimate sanction

expulsion from the community.

There is no greater punishment.

Other than death, perhaps.

No further questions.

Mr Lovell...

CLEARS THROAT

Mr Lovell,

the Romani frown upon alliances with non-Romani.

And yet you allowed such a union to take place?

I bowed to the inevitable.

They were air and fire.

There was no keeping them apart.

Thank you, Mr Lovell.

No further questions.

The prosecution calls

Lord Henry Canterville.

Can you describe to the court

what the defendant was like growing up?

Objection. My client's childhood behaviour has no bearing on this case.

Denied.

Oh!

He was the youngest of twin sons.

The runt of the litter, a fractious and sickly child.

Whereas his brother was everything one could wish for in a son.

Fairer face and disposition.

Athletic and a scholar.

When they were both afflicted with ague,

we expected the weakest to die.

That the superior son was taken...

broke his parents' hearts.

A disappointment then.

Grievously so.

Foppish and a dreamer,

prone to irrational outbursts of sentiment.

We always expected he would come to nothing.

Fears, members of the jury, which became founded.

What did you do when you discovered

your son had formed...

an alliance with Ethelinda Lovell?

We forbade it and found him a suitable match.

This would be Lady Eleanor Fanshawe,

daughter of the third Earl of Fanshawe,

and one of the most desirable matches in the land.

Ancl your son agreed to this match?

That'll be the ruination of the family name.

Thank you, my Lord.

No further questions.

Lord Henry, did you love your son?

Am I expected to answer that?

If you can indulge my learned friend on this occasion.

I did my duty.

He was fed and clothed and given the finest education

and found a suitable wife. A woman he didn't love.

But what relevance is this?

My Lord, I'm afraid I must intervene.

This isn't a colloquy

on the nature of romantic attachment.

LAUGHTER

No further questions.

Evidence of the fateful events will be presented

on historical monitor

so the jury can form their own conclusions

as to the black-hearted nature of the defendant.

Ethelinda Lovell took refuge in the woods,

living off the land for survival.

But as winter came,

such a way of survival became untenable.

I draw your attention to the fact

that this was the coldest recorded winter in 200 years.

Shunned by her people,

and out of options,

the desperate woman made her way

through a freezing blizzard

to seek shelter from

the only one who could help her.

Admit her!

Anyone who does shall earn a whipping.

She has the nerve to show her face!

She will perish

along with my son!

He's a Canterville!

It isn't mine, though.

You have the effrontery to speak of it

when your wife stands here

with a true heir of Canterville in her belly.

Guards! No!

Dost come from him

so this is finished once and for all.

Speak.

Or go down in history as a disgrace to the House of Canterville.

Close the gates.

No!

No!

No!

ETHEUND A SCREAMS

On the 4th of December 1575,

Ethelinda Lovell froze to death.

Her baby son carried off and devoured...

by wild animals.

Ancl there we have it, members of the jury

Here rests the case for the prosecution.

Excellent.

Time for a cup of tea

and maybe a slice of walnut cake.

All rise!

Whoa, let's look around.

Keep your eyes peeled for a priest hole.

What does the next symbol mean?

Um...

six of clubs who bring you hope,

make three knots in a piece of rope.

Look.

What are you doing?

Working out where the ghost got in.

11,12,13,

14,15.

The tapestry was right up there, so...

OK, head lamps off.

Ultraviolet lamps on.

I got him.

This just solid stone.

You can't go through solid stone.

There must be something behind here.

The defence calls Jeremiah Otis to the stand.

Please state your name and occupation in 1575.

Jeremiah Otis.

CLEARS THROAT

Poacher.

Father to nine children,

the youngest of whom was Simeon Otis,

1575 to 1655.

Yeah. On the 4th of December 1575,

you were fined one shilling for poaching

at Canterville Assizes Court...

Objection, my lord.

The witness has already answered

for his earthly transgressions.

I will rephrase. Mr Otis,

after leaving the assises court, can you describe your route home?

I would be through the woods.

This is a map of the area in 1575.

This route would have taken Mr Otis past the spot

where Ethelinda Lovell was found dead.

GAS PS

Mr Otis, eight of your nine children

are recorded in the parish birth records,

the exception being the youngest, Simeon.

I put it to you, this is because he wasn't your biological son,

your natural son,

that he is, in fact, the son of

Sir Simon de Canterville

and Ethelinda Lovells.

GAS PS

MUTTERING

Order, order!

Mr Otis...

Poor lamb was near death when I found her.

Her last words were...

My baby.

So...

BABY CRI ES

Scrap was blue with cold and half dead.

So I took him home to the wife.

Fearsomely fond of the bairn she was.

We already had eight, so one more didn't make a difference.

On|_y..-

we changed his name to Simeon.

It means God has heard...

our little miracle, he was.

Members of the jury,

Simeon Otis grew to adulthood

and in 1620 emigrated to the New World,

where he founded a dynasty who survive to this day.

I move that the charge of infanticide be dismissed.

GAS PS

Sustained.

Order, order!

The defence calls Murgo and Dicken Lovell to the stand.

WHISPERING

You and your brother were on a team of builders

working at Canterville Chase when your sister arrived to seek shelter.

Close the gates.

No!

No!

ETHEUND A SCREAMS

We saw him send her to her death.

And neglected to go to her aid?

She was marime.

It was forbidden.

So we avenged her.

By abducting and murdering the defendant.

Objection. The witnesses are already serving sentences for their crimes

and are not on trial here.

Sustained.

According to your statements,

when you apprehended Sir Simon,

he was carrying a bag of jewels.

We didn't steal them.

Lovells aren't thieves.

We left them hidden with rotten bones.

So no Canterville could ever find them.

Objection.

The witnesses are not the ones on trial here.

Withdrawn.

You abducted the defendant in the sunken garden.

Am I right in saying this is the most direct route

from the house to the stables?

Yes.

No further questions.

The defence calls Sir Simon de Canterville.

The defence calls, Sir Simon de Canterville.

CHAINS CLINK

You reside at Canterville Chase, England,

where you are currently Ghost in Residence?

I am generally consider-ed

the Premier Ghost in British Isles.

Ooh!

If I may bring you back to the events

on the 4th of December, 1575.

Specifically, what happened immediately after you gave the orders

to turn Ethelinda Lovell from the gates?

My father didst order all to their chambers

to prepareth for dinner.

It was not worthy to prepare for.

The cooks did ruin everything clue to my wife's instructions.

She was a woman who didst truly

know not of cookery.

I mean, immediately after you gave the order to close the gates.

Hmm.

Did you regret the order?

Three words to my damnation

before they passed my lips.

You didn't go to your chamber as your father instructed. Huh.

You went to the Treasury where you stole a number of family jewels.

I prefer borrowest.

They wouldst have come to me upon my father's death.

What did you do after you "borrowed" the jewels?

I didst go to settle the horse.

You were going after Ethelinda?

Hmm.

For the benefit of the jury,

can you explain your plan?

To find her, sell the jewels and purchase a passage for us

to the New World where we couldst maketh a life together.

So it was your intention to atone?

It was not to go hunt boar in a blizzard.

What were your thoughts on realising your predicament?

That I deserved...

no less.

Help!

Help!

Help meg

No further questions.

You say you lamented the deed

before the words left your lips.

Yet your attitude,

if you will forgive me...

hardly comes over as one of regret.

Indeed, if lament after the deed were a defence, then...

his Lord and I would both be out of a job.

GIGGLING

No further questions.

For the benefit of the jury, the defendant is bound

by the conditions of a curse.

Can you explain these conditions?

I canst not weep for my sins, for I have no tears,

nor pray for my soul, for I have no faith.

For the record, the defendant has been lamenting for his sins

for 446 years.

That is 162,790 days,

or three million,

900,006

and 960 hours.

Has he not lamented enough?

Here rests the case for the defence.

The defendant claims

he regretted his deed after a lifetime

of showing no regret.

No regret when he abandoned Ethelinda Lovell for a woman

for a woman of his own class.

No regret when

she was banished from her community.

No regret when he

cast her out in a blizzard

to her certain death.

No regret, members of the jury.

No regret.

Until after the event,

which I don't need to remind you,

is not a defence...

thus rendering him

undeserving of this court's mercy.

You see before you a man guilty of many crimes.

Oath breaking,

moral cowardice,

theft.

A man who, by his own admission, caused the death of his wife.

A man the prosecution claims showed no regret.

I show you a man who regretted that decision as the words left his mouth.

Prepared to defy his family

and outlaw himself to atone for his wrongs,

wrongs that condemned him to limbo,

denied divine justice,

truly a fate worse than death.

This is a court of mercy.

I direct you to the mercy shown by Ethelinda Lovell

to the defendant.

In her dying words she named her son after his father.

Certain proof she forgave him before she died.

If she can forgive,

then so must you.

Will the foreperson please rise?

On the charges, how did the jury find?

Mercy or no mercy?

Mercy.

APPLAUSE

Court at ease.

The court is still sitting.

GAVEL BAN GS

Order!

WHOOSHING

Simon de Canterville,

you have been deemed worthy of mercy by the jury.

Given mitigation

and time served in limbo

I sentence you

to repose in the Garden of Rest.

I thank thee.

BIRDS TWEET

Ooh.

It appears the curse remains in place

clue to an outstanding prophecy condition.

My Lord, I believe the conditions of the prophecy were all fulfilled.

Curses and prophecies are not within this Court's jurisdiction.

Therefore, I have no option other than to return the prisoner

to his earthly limbo...

until the conditions are met.

Sir Simon?

Sir Simon?

Sir Simon.

If there is a priest hole behind here, then how does it open?

Eyes front, eyes spread out.

You go right, we'll go left.

Now what?

Behind you.

Three knots in a piece of... Wait.

Help me.

Let me try.

CRENQNG

THEY GIGGLE

Good to see you.

No luck?

I can't find her and no-one else has seen her since

the kids bushwhacked the ghost.

Patience?

Jonathan?

Time to go home.

Where are the twins?

I don't understand.

Haven't all the conditions of the prophecy been fulfilled?

Sorry, I failed you.

Sir Simon?

Are you there?

If you can hear me, please hurry back.

I need your help.

"Woe to the wicked.

It will go badly with him

for what he deserves will be done to him."

This is it.

The priest hole's around here somewhere.

What are we looking for?

"A spider spinning on the wall means he'll be brave and strong and tall."

Plenty of real spiders, for sure,

but I don't see the mechanism.

There.

SQUEAKING

STONE GRINDS

Am I glad to see you.

How did you find me?

We were looking for the ghost.

How the heck did you get in here?

It's a long story.

Is that Sir Simon?

Yes.

Then where's the treasure?

We don't need the treasure. We need to get out of here.

SQUEAKING

Now, No worries.

We'll get out the same way Ginny got in.

How did you get in?

BOyg!

Ginny!

Ginny! Boys, where are you?!

SHOUTING

Children, where are you?

Ginny!

So Sir Simon's our great, great, great-something-grandfather?

And our great, great-aunt

was your great, great, great-grandmother,

which makes us...

great, great, great...

That's 14 cousins once removed. Yes.

That's just weird.

It's destiny.

Where's Sir Simon now?

I guess he's on his way back from the fourth dimension.

Nine hours, two sets of twins.

13, and our daughter's 22.

Yeah, I realise she's an adult,

but even so, there's absolutely no reason for that.

They have found the priest's hole.

It's been hidden for centuries.

What chance do we have?

You look a bit worse for wear.

Soothes, though, if...

Oh, I've been scattered to the fourth dimension and back.

Come closer for I am weak.

What's he doing?

Talking.

That's Cesspit. He's Sir Simon's familiar.

I don't care if they are family.

You would send me to the domain of the hag with the broom of death.

If she splays my gizzard on sight, on your head be it.

MOUSE TWEETS

They say someone will be on the way shortly.

They'll freeze to death before shortly.

They told me what they were up to.

Too darn caught up in my own problems as usual.

I should never have brought us here.

You weren't to know they be so clever, sir.

Aarghg

It's only a rat.

It's a filthy, filthy rat!

In my kitchen!

Stop, stop, Mrs Umney!

Look at its eyes.

It's trying to tell us something.

Come out.

We won't hurt you.

I won't count on it.

What do you want?

It wants us to follow.

No, we've already searched in here. Then we'll search it again.

Hey, look, over here.

Where's he gone? Where'd he go?

You think they're behind here? Don't know, he was there.

It's solid. At least two feet of brick, I reckon.

Then where did the rat go?

Kids!

Hello!

Stand back. Whoa. Really?

HE GRUNTS

Cecil.

THEY GRUNT

DISTANT GRUNTS

CHILDREN: Help! Help us!

We're coming!

Are you all there?

We're all fine, Morn. We're not!

We're freezing and starving.

Come on.

Are you cold? Watch your feet.

Here you go.

You guys have outdone yourself this time.

You're lucky. Let's get you home!

Hot bath...

What are you doing here? You don't get rid of me that easily.

So you won the case, honey.

That's incredible.

We won the case, but Sir Simon's still here

because the prophecy isn't fulfilled.

I don't know why.

Promise me you'll never disappear like that again.

And my grandmother can do her worst.

I'm going to tell Moppy, just as soon as...

Tell me what? Cecil, I am warning you...

Yeah, babe?

You're a terrific girl.

Kind and beautiful.

Any bloke would be lucky to have you.

Except perhaps just...

not me.

Oh!

The last thing I meant was to hurt you.

So, like...

the Wedding's off?

Yeah, well, maybe it's for the best.

Right. Urn...

Well, I'm glad you see it that way.

It is not for the best, Cecil.

You will have nothing.

They will have each other.

Oh, please don't say money can't buy you happiness.

It can certainly make unhappiness a whole lot more palatable.

And is that the voice of experience?

Because for all your wealth and status,

you don't strike me as happy.

And you're about to cast off the one thing that can make you so,

which is family.

We will discuss this later, Cecil.

Come, M°PPY!

Late rs!

You say you can't make my dreams come true,

and you couldn't be more wrong.

Because from the moment I laid eyes on you, I've dreamt of nothing else.

Marry me, Ginny.

And this time, I won't take no for an answer.

I'm not getting up until you say yes, even if that means I'm glued

to this spot for the rest of my life.

Get up, you numpty.

Is that...?

British for yes.

Yes, I'll marry you. Yes!

You know, I've always felt something about this place.

We're not Of tees. We're Canterflfles.

We belong here.

Except now we have to leave.

We didn't even find the treasure. I thought you wanted to go home.

If we're Cantervilles, then we are home.

Poor Sir Simon. I suppose we should Callan undertaker,

or maybe the police, as this is technically a crime scene.

Oh... What's happening to him?

His finger...

Is he... pointing at something?

What? ls there something there?

Whoa!

No way! Wow!

This is what we've been looking for!

We are here to discuss the distribution

of the deceased's estate...

in the presence of possible beneficiaries

and, rather unorthodoxly, the deceased.

I had assumed after the interment,

Sir Simon would have passed.

'Tis a mere issue technical in the reading of the prophecy,

soon to be resolved.

Don't look at me. Apparently, it's sub judice.

I see. Then, as regards the estate,

hereby defined as the proceeds of antique jewels

valued at approximately £7 million sterling,

with the added complication it was technically the stolen

property of Lord Henry Canterville -

a legal minefield, to put it mildly.

Well, it seems simple enough to me.

The jewels are Canterville heirlooms and belong to the family.

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

St john, we can leave Mrs Watkins to sort out the paperwork.

Why does thou allow a Fanshawe female to speak?

She is not a Canterville.

No, she isn't.

Sit down, Mother.

The deed of sale, as drawn up by Mrs Watkins herself, stated

the buyer took ghost and contents at valuation.

That is true.

Frank and Theo found it. Maybe they should have it.

We could set up college funds.

It was all of us. We couldn't have clone it on our own.

It's blood money.

Lovells want none of it.

Enough.

This sorry witterly filibuster.

Desist in thy circuitous tiffery.

Am I not most senior member of the family?

I proffer a solution.

THEY MUTTER

There.

Whoa! Oh, wow. Well, how about that?

Look at that. How'd you do it? That's amazing.

LAUGHTER, GASPS

Well clone!

If we're agreed on the amendments to clauses 15 and 29, I can get

you a revised contract over straight away.

If we install micro hydro turbines into the river, we can significantly

reduce carbon emissions.

Hello, COLCorp? St john Canterville speaking.

Can we do 500 units?

Yeah, we can do that.

Splendid! Thank you so much.

THEY CHUCKLE

Please be seated.

Should anyone present know of any reason why this couple

should not be joined in holy matrimony,

speak now, or forever hold thy peace.

Oh, for goodness' sake, man, get on with it!

WOOD CRACKS

What's that? What's happening?

It's beautiful. The two houses have reunited.

Oh, wow. Cantervilles and Lovells.

And henceforth, peace shall come unto Canterville.

Thou hast opened for me...

the portals of death's house.

For love is always with you,

and love is stronger than death.

I thank thee.

Adieu.

Rest in peace, Sir Simon.

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