Original subtitles

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

I'm X Ray Cat. I've got super powers.

I can see through wooden doors with my X-ray vision.

I can see the criminal on the other side.

He can't see me, and he's committing crime.

I come along and say, "I can see you!" He says, "You can't see me."

I say, "Yes, I can with my... doo-doo-doo-doo...

"X Ray... doo-doo-doo-doo...

X Ray Cat."

"You can't get me! You can't get me!" "Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

Doo-doo-doo-doo. Yes, I can."

See... the bananas?

I know a banana who applied for a job as a telephone repairman.

Guy came and said, "You want job here?"

He said, "Yeah, I wanna get a job as a telephone repairman."

He said, "You got the job! You got the job, buddy!"

Then the beavers came.

The beaver started yelling at other beaver.

The beaver started yelling. He said, "You stupid beaver!

You stupid!"

Bye, Gord! Good luck!

Hey! Get off that skateboard!

* Too many problems Oh, why am I here *

* I need to be me 'cause you're all too clear *

* And I can see there's something wrong with you * I'm calling the cops!

* But what do you expect me to do *

* At least I gotta know what I wanna be *

* Don't come to me if you need pity *

* Are you lonely You got no one *

* You got your body in suspension *

* That's no problem *

* Problem *

* Problem The problem is you *

* Eat your heart out on a plastic tray *

* Problem *

* Problem *

* Problem The problem is you *

Gordy, honey, I'm so sad you're leaving.

Why are you moving to Los Angeles to work in a cheese factory?

I'm not going to Hollywood just to work in a cheese sandwich factory.

I'm going to shop my drawings. I'm gonna be a famous animator like Charles Schultz.

You're gonna be fine. No, I'm gonna be like Charles Schultz.

That's my boy! Confidence!

You're a big man now. You got a job.

Goddamn real job, Gord.

You finally gave up on those stupid doodlings.

They're not stupid. They're not stupid.

Whatever, son. At least you're gettin' out of Daddy's basement.

Shh, shh. He has a very nice job.

Look at our little baby boy's all grown up. You come here.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom, stop it. Baby, baby.

Stop it. Mom, I'm a 28-year-old man.

Hey, baby. You're a 28-year-old man! Ooo!

Yeah, I'm a 28-year-old man.

My bus is about to leave.

So I'm gonna get on it, and I'm gonna leave... on it.

Son, wait! What?

You're not taking that bus to Los Angeles.

You bought me a ticket on this bus to Los Angeles.

That's not all he bought you.

There. It's yours. Hop in.

Come on. You're drivin'.

It's a Le Baron.

You bet your boots it's a Le Baron. Good Car. Convertible.

Geez, a convertible.

It says "#1 Son." That's me! I'm the number-one son.

What about me, Mom?

You're number-one son too.

How come Gord gets a Le Baron and I don't?

- It's 'cause they love me more than they love you. - No, no, they don't!

I only see one Le Baron, Freddy.

I don't see two Le Barons. Gordy.

-Hey, knock it off! -Where's your Le Baron, Freddy? -Boys, boys.

- How many Le Barons? Are there two Le Barons? - Shut up!

Gord, this car is more than a gift.

It's kind of an investment in you.

It means, "I believe in my son."

You be a good man.

Father, I will be a good man.

You make your daddy proud. You hear me?

I'm gonna make you proud, Daddy.

I'm gonna make you so proud!

You make your daddy proud.

You're gonna be so proud.

Proud?

Proud!

Get the fuck outta the way!

Well,

the boy's grown up.

He's finally gone.

Ya-hoo!

Ya-hoo!

* Here in my car I feel safest of all *

* I can lock all my doors It's the only way to live *

* In cars *

* Here in my car I can-- **

What are you doin' to that horse?

This is a stud farm, boy.

Don't climb that fence. You can't come over here. I wanna try the horsey.

Oh, oh, oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer.

Oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer.

I'm a farmer, Daddy. Whoo!

- I'm a farmer! - Get the hell out of here!

I'm really proud of that kid.

Yeah, I think he's all grown up.

* Whether I'm right *

* Or whether I'm wrong *

* Whether I find the place in this world or never belong *

* I gotta be me *

* I gotta be me *

* What else can I be but what I am *

* I want to live *

* Not merely survive *

* And I won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive *

* I gotta be me *

* I gotta be me *

* Daring to try To do it or die *

* I've gotta be me *

* I've gotta be free ** Look at me!

I'm sexy! I'm a sexy boy!

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong.

That's lunch, everyone. Back in 45 minutes.

Hey, you guys leaving?

Can I help you?

Excuse me? Can I help you? Excuse me!

It's okay. I'm here with the bag.

The bag? The bag for the eels.

What? For the badger.

What?

Hey, hey! What are you talking about? It's okay.

- Are you here for delivery? - Japan Four.

What?

Japan Four?

I brought the package you guys ordered.

Wait, who's it for?

It's smudged. I can only make out... "boss."

Mr. Davidson? Ah... Davidson?

Dave. Dave Davidson! Yeah, Dave Davidson.

That part was really smudged, okay?

You said "Dave Davidson." Then it triggered it in my brain.

Before I didn't see it, but then you said it, it triggered in my brain.

He's the head guy? Yes.

If you wanted to get a TV show based upon your animations, he's the guy you would talk to?

Yes! And he has brown hair?

Blond. Blond. Blond hair!

I'm looking for someone who's blond. Blond hair!

Are you a blond? Are you a blond?

The blond? He's at lunch, so I'll take the package.

He's at lunch? Mm-hmm.

His wife is dead!

- What? Linda? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, Linda.

She's dead. I should tell him. My God.

Probably best that I tell him. Who are you?

I'm... I'm Quincy. I'm at the coroner's office.

I'm like a police officer. I'm like a police officer.

So I should see Mr. Davidson 'cause I'm a police officer. Okay.

He'll be at that restaurant.

He'll be devastated.

God, he loved Linda.

He did love Linda.

I know.

I think that's wonderful when two people love one another.

Even though there's always a chance one of those two people...

will die a gruesome, horrible death, that doesn't make me fear love.

I'm not afraid of love.

Could I be your boyfriend? I love you.

- Get outta here! - No, no. I was just thinking--

A woman is dead. Linda is dead!

I thought we could grieve together over the dead Linda.

Over the dead woman! Over the woman, over the woman.

Fuck off! You're a skinny loser!

Someone call security! Don't call them!

Shit!

Security! Don't call them, okay? I gotta go.

Listen, you tell Hanna-Barbera to go fuck themselves, okay?

I got 12 Korean teenagers in a tiger cage that can draw a fucking dog wearing a cape!

I'm looking for a Mr. Dave Davidson!

Are you Dave Davidson? No.

Are you David Davidson? David Davidson. My name's Peter.

I'm looking for a David Davidson. I'm a woman.

Okay, did I ask what sex you are? No.

Did I ask if you were David Davidson? My name is Cheryl.

Um, I'm Dave Davidson. Is there a problem?

Are you Mr. Davidson? Really? Yes, I am.

Yeah, Officer, really. Is there a problem? I'm not really a cop.

My name's Gord, and I want to meet you to show you my drawings.

Your drawings. Are you kidding?

Mr. Davidson, I'm an animator. I've got this show idea I wanna pitch to you. It's a cartoon.

It's about this cat. It's got super powers. It can see through wooden doors.

He solves crimes. He can fly.

My friends and I, we all think it's hilarious.

He can fly like this. It's great!

Listen, I'm glad your friends enjoy it.

Tell me something. What do you want?

I want you to help me make it into a TV show. Let me get this right.

You wanna barge into a restaurant dressed like a fucking English bobby,

and expect someone to give you a TV show?

I don't know. Uh... yeah.

Do me a favor. Leave me alone. Valet? Please, please.

Please, just look at my drawings, okay?

Yeah, okay. Fine, fine.

Okay, it's X Ray Cat. Except instead of being able to see through everything,

he can only see through wood.

So if there's something going on the other side, say, a wooden door--

- See the criminal? - I see the criminal, I see the door.

See through the door, see the criminal, and save the day. He saves the day. Okay?

Much to the dismay of the police, the dismay of the mayor.

They hate it when people take the law into their own hands. Like a Batman.

Like a Batman. Like the Guardian Angels.

What's that called? Like a vigilante. Right.

Like a vigilante! He's like a vigilante...

uh, cat--

It's a cat who's a vigilante. It's a cat who is a vigilante.

I got that. Listen. Your drawings are pretty good, but it doesn't make any sense.

It's fucking stupid. Okay?

What you need here is elevation.

There actually has to be something that happens that's actually funny.

What the fuck is happening here?

That's a banana. I see the banana, Gord.

String attached. Bag of eyes on the other end. I see the string.

Baboon-- Baboon eyes?

With, uh, sauce,

uh, dripping.

Dripping sauce and a baboon.

See what I mean?

It doesn't make any sense, Gord. It sucks!

The drawings are pretty good, but the characters are lame.

The characters are lame! I'm a loser! I wish I was dead!

Gord, lis-- Wait, wait, listen. Listen, listen.

I'm trying to give you a piece of advice. Will you stop?

You've got to figure these animals out. You've gotta figure them out.

You gotta get inside the animals. Okay?

Figure them out.

Will you take that out? I can't understand.

I gotta get inside the animals? Get inside the animals!

I shouldn't blow the brains outta the back of my skull?

No, you shouldn't blow the brains outta the back of your skull.

Look, you wanna play in the big leagues, you gotta work on this 24 hours a day.

You gotta give it weeks and weeks and months and months and years and years!

And then, if it doesn't work out, Gord, then blow your fucking brains out.

I can't work on this all day. I got a job at the cheese sandwich factory.

Cheese sandwich factory? Oh, that's really funny, Gord.

That's true, I gotta make cheese sandwiches. I got rent-- Gord.

You really wanna be an animator, maybe you should quit the shitty cheese job.

Think about it, all right?

I--

Gord, you really wanna be an animator?

Get inside the animals.

Get inside the animals.

You were a big boy, weren't you?

Oh, stinky.

* I'd like to build the world a home *

* And furnish it with love *

* Grow apple trees and honeybees and snow-white turtle doves *

* I'd like to teach the world to sing *

* In perfect harmony *

* I'd like to hold it in my arms *

* And keep it company **

Holy shit!

I-I-I wasn't expecting that to happen.

* We're a happy family We're a happy family *

* We're a happy family Me, Mom and Daddy *

* We're a happy family We're a happy family *

* We're a happy family Me, Mom and Daddy *

* Sitting here in Queens eating refried beans *

Gord, thank God you're back!

There we go.

Hello?

Listen, Gordy's gonna be a little upset about being back home,

so just be nice.

I'm home.

Gordy, why don't you sit at the table. We're having roast beef.

Why do you guys always have roast beef?

Behold Little Lord Fauntleroy's tummy hurts...

because there's too much roast beef in it. It's just boring.

- I'm eating a chicken sandwich. - No, you're not!

Holy shit, this is crazy. I'm a 28-year-old man!

I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want.

He's 28 years old, and he can eat a chicken sandwich. Very impressive.

Mike Fitzgibbons's son is a nuclear physicist,

and my son can eat a chicken--

You can either eat that goddamn roast beef or you can go to bed.

Good!

Shh! Gord! Gord!

Don't hammer 'em so loud. It's late. You're gonna wake up your parents.

You're right. I should probably use the electric nail gun.

Yeah.

Shh, Gord.

Gord! What?

Oh, boys!

Would you two faggots stop making so fucking much noise? We're sleeping!

Goddamn it!

Stop the fucking hammering!

I got a kid over here. Okay?

- Gord, you guys almost done over there? - Yeah, nearly, Mr. Malloy.

Hey, Gord, can I play on your ramp tomorrow?

Sure, Andy, anytime.

Your dad got like bowel problems?

Let's skate this thing.

Don't you think it's kinda dark, Gord?

I gotta work tomorrow. You mean to say we've been working on this thing for years.

We're finished now and you're not gonna try it out and enjoy the fruits of your labor?

I don't have the right shoes on. They're slippery...

and they got no sole.

Just enjoy the fruits here. Don't say "the fruits."

Okay.

You little shit! You think that's funny?

I gotta work in the morning. Get the hell off my property!

Dad, what the fuck! He hurt his leg!

Why's everybody screaming like a banshee?

Oh... Jesus Christ.

Oh, God! Get him a job!

I mean, get him an ambulance! You get a job!

What the hell are you doing?

Hi, I'm lookin' for my friend, Darren.

Shh.

Wow, that's a neat trick you do. Yeah.

Yeah, my record's seven in a row. Oh!

Wow! Are hospitals always this fun? Yeah.

No. Um, sometimes... sometimes people here die of cancer.

Cancer. Yeah.

Hi, I'm Gord!

Hi, I'm Betty.

Uh... that creamer game is fun.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's, um, it's my hobby.

Yeah, my passion really is-- The creamers?

No, not just the creamers. Physics.

Flight, actually. I'm kind of...

a rocket scientist.

To tell the truth. Yeah.

Well, okay, amateur. Amateur rocket scientist.

Still pretty crazy. Yeah, I know.

W-What do you do?

Me?

Investments. I do investments.

Um, consulting in the business business.

Analyzing stocks. Yeah.

NASDAQ, Dow Jones,

Wall Street Journal, New York City.

CNN. You must be rich.

Yeah. You know, they have creamers in places other than hospitals.

I thought maybe-- If this is forward, you just tell me.

But I thought maybe we could go to one of those places like a restaurant or something.

We could flip them together there sometime.

That'd be fun. Here's my number.

Okay, call me.

Oh, gotta run.

I'll talk to you soon. Call me, Gord.

Good-bye.

Have you seen that girl outside there, the doctor?

No, I haven't exactly been able to get up and wander around, Gord.

It's weird, 'cause I asked her out on a date, and, uh, she said "yes."

- That is weird. - Excuse me.

Could you keep it down? This is a hospital room, and I'm pregnant.

I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't realize that you were pregnant.

So, anyway, the girl when I asked her on the date, see, I thought she could walk.

She's handicapped. Is that what you mean?

She's in a wheelchair.

Could you please just shut the fuck up! I am fucking pregnant!

So what do you say here? You hate people in wheelchairs?

I don't hate people in wheelchairs.

It's crystal clear what you're saying. You hate the handicapped.

You're handicapped. I don't hate you.

See?

You're handicapped!

My baby is coming. You bastard!

Help.

Help! My baby is coming!

Oh, no. No, no, no!

** Are you okay, ma'am?

My baby's coming! My baby is coming!

Call the doctor, you fucking asshole!

It's okay, I'm a doctor. No, no!

Get me a real doctor. I am a real doctor.

I'm a real doctor.

Get away from me!

- Here, spread your legs for me. - No, no! What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I see the problem here.

-There seems to be a little baby inside your body! -No, Gordy. Don't.

Give me your hand, little fellow. Here, little fella.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Aah! Aah!

Put it back, Gord.

You gotta cut the cord. You gotta... cut the cord.

Geez, do I have to do everything?

Oh, oh, oh. Why isn't it crying?

Ah... it's sleepin'?

Give me my baby, you fucker! I'll wake up your baby.

- I'll wake up your baby! - Gordy!

The baby's crying!

I saved the day.

Thank you.

I saved the day.

I saved the day.

Don't ever come back! Ever! I saved the day.

You did not save the day! What's goin' on, Gord?

I saved the day. Don't touch my shoulder, okay?

I saved the day!

It seems like they got a problem with heroes around here. I saved the day, Betty!

I'll call you tonight.

Hey, come on in. Just got four in a row.

What? Creamers. Four creamer flips in a row. Here, come watch.

Oh, cool. Yeah.

Whoo! I got another one.

No way. Are those actually rockets? Uh-huh.

Yeah. I'm designing my own rocket-powered wheelchair.

Really? That's incredible. Does it work?

No. I haven't been able to quite figure it out yet.

Don't you feel like a stupid dummy?

Excuse me?

I mean, you tried to make the rocket wheelchair work, but it doesn't work.

That must make you feel like a stupid dummy, right?

No. I didn't expect to master the intricacies of rocketry on my first attempt.

It's a process, you know? You have to learn from your mistakes.

Hmm. Never thought of it like that.

Besides, they won't let me work on it at the hospital because of the politics.

They don't think handicapped people should be allowed to go that fast, but it's bullshit.

I like going fast, and I like rockets...

because they're hot and hard and long.

Actually, I thought we could kinda go to a movie or somethin'.

Uh, hi. How are you?

I'd be a lot better if you'd spank my legs with this bamboo.

Um-- What?

Just whack it against my shins as hard as you can, okay?

Uh, I guess.

How's that?

Come on, Gordy, you can do better than that.

What are you, a little puss? A puss?

A pussy-- Come on!

Come on, pussy, you can do better. A pussy. I don't know.

Oh. How's that?

Come on, pussy, pussy! Don't be shy, little pussy!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, come on! I wanna see them bleed!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! I felt a tingle!

You felt a tingle? Did you like the tingle?

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh!

Do you wanna get another tingle?

Ow! Gord, what the fuck?

Aah! Not my face!

It's not my face that's paralyzed, you fuck!

Ah-- Sorry, I--

never really caned anyone before.

It's okay.

It's your turn now.

Don't do it too hard, though. I've--

I've got sensitive knees.

Oh, I'm not gonna whack your legs with a bamboo, Gord.

I'm gonna give you a blow job.

Betty, it's only our first date.

Don't you think we should go do some romantic stuff first?

Like take a walk in the park? No. I can't walk.

Maybe I could take you out for a roll.

I'd rather stay here and suck!

Good thing it's--

Come here, Gord.

Ah--

Hmm.

Um--

That's my umbilical cord.

Didn't you ever have that... removed?

Um, it's taped. It's just for fun.

I taped it there for fun.

Uh-- Hmm.

Okay. I can work around it.

Wait a minute. Wait. Whoo!

Come on!

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

Whoo!

Hello, Father. Hey, Freddy! How are you, son?

You know, I'm, uh... I'm working hard, just like you taught me.

You moving back home, Freddy? What? No. No, no!

No way, Mother. I'm a man now.

I'm all grown up, and I'm out on my own, and earning a good living.

Is it going to be a busy day at the bank today, son?

Well, I sure hope so.

Freddy? Is that, um--

That's your big brother.

He couldn't handle the complexities of making a cheese sandwich...

so now he's back home with us.

Wow. Is that idiot still in the shower?

Shit! How much water is he gonna use?

Yeah, how much is he gonna use? All of it?

He should save some for the fish or somethin', huh, Pop?

Gord!

I'll fix him.

How's the water? Cold enough for ya?

Damn it. Don't tell me you're so goddamn stupid...

you can't even tell the difference between hot and cold.

What the fuck is going on?

I'm underwater. Look, I found a treasure!

A treasure? That's soap on a rope.

Shh. I'm pretending it's a treasure.

Get out of my goddamn scuba gear, you imbecile!

Oh, no, the treasure! It went into that underwater cave!

Get out of the toilet!

Get out of the-- Get out of the toilet!

You saved me from the giant barracuda!

But, look, I salvaged the treasure.

We can live like kings. We can live like kings!

Forget that fucking soap. You clean up this mess...

and get your ass out that door looking for a job, you retard.

He's driving me insane.

No, no. You're driving him insane.

You're older than me, and you still live at home.

I have a job, you know. I pay my own way.

You work in a bank. I'm supposed to be dazzled?

At least I don't live at home.

You live in a tiny shithole and can't afford breakfast, so you come here and eat for free.

Whatever. Listen, I'm off to work now, okay?

Me and Dad have jobs. We're doing something with our lives. It's time for you to grow up.

Good luck with that job hunt. Let's cross our fingers, okay, Freddy?

Let's cross our fingers and hope that I get a job. I'm serious.

Just cross your fingers. All right! Fingers crossed!

I hope I get a jobby, Freddy! I got my fingers crossed.

I hope I get a jobby! I got my...

fingers crossed. Good-bye, Gord.

I got my fingers crossed.

Crossed. Crossed?

Cro--

--ssed.

* Talk about that personality crisis *

* You got it while it was hot *

* But now frustration and heartache is what you've got *

Paid for his damn college.

Sits at home all day whacking off.

Better have a damn job.

Proud? My ass!

Hey? I'm the backwards man. The backwards man.

The backwards man. The backwards man.

I can walk backwards as fast as you can. I can walk backwards as fast as you can.

I'm the backwards man. The backwards man. What the hell is that?

The backwards man. The backwards man.

The backwards man. The backwards man.

I can walk backwards as fast as you can.

Gord! Dad!

What in God's name are you doing, you stupid little man?

Wh-- Did you get a job?

Yeah. I got a job, and I wanted to surprise you.

Hey, you bullshittin' me, boy? No.

I got a job working nights at a computer company.

And I was just borrowing one of your suits until...

I could get enough money to buy one of my own. You just keep that suit!

Oh, Gord, I knew you had it in ya. You're just a late bloomer.

Yeah, I just bloomed late.

Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks? You know, for supplies.

For like pens or Liquid Paper or a Trapper Keeper.

Or one of those compasses that you put the pencil and screw it in.

Make a perfect circle.

Hey, worker, take a hundred.

Golly, Gord, I knew if I kept yelling at ya...

and pounding you over the head with it, you'd come around.

Golly, Dad, you were right all along.

Ahh, you! Come on, come on!

No, no, no.

Just keep dancing. Celebrate! Hell, this is a great day!

The backwards man! The backwards man!

Oh, oh!

Gordy, you're amazing!

Oh, yes! I'm doing a good job!

I'm doing... a good job. Ohh!

Am I doing it wrong?

No! That was incredible!

Time for your blow job, Gordy.

Not right now, Betty. Oh, Gordy, come on!

I thought we could go and enjoy a nice evening. Don't you want me to suck it?

No, not right-- Betty, let go. Betty, just let go.

What, Gordy? Come on! Betty!

Betty, Betty, come on! Let's--

Stop it, stop it! Stop it! What?

Why are you yelling?

It's just crazy.

This is the second date that we haven't even gone out on yet.

If you do what you're planning, then you'll have sucked 200% more times that we've gone out.

I think that if we went out on at least one date, and you didn't do any sucking,

that would make the whole sucking-to-date ratio far more balanced.

Yeah, okay. Let's go out then.

Good. Good.

Thank you for taking me out for dinner tonight.

Maybe now that Gord is working,

we can finally spend our evenings alone together.

Jim, what are you doing?

Thank you. That was yummy. I'm so glad you liked it.

Andy, would you like a piece of cake for dessert?

Am I really allowed a piece of cake, Daddy?

Of course you can have a piece of cake. It's your birthday.

Yea! Yea!

So, Gord,

is your job really hard?

It's not hard. No. You have to be smart.

You have to be really smart. You have to use your brain. I have to use my brain.

I like to see when the stocks are high.

Okay? And I like to see when, when they're low.

That's the basics. Sometimes they're high. It's interesting.

Sometimes they're very high. They go very high. That's high.

That's when you wanna sell, when they're very high.

You buy them when they're down very low.

Yeah. I have graphs. I have some graphs I can show you.

If you pay attention to these patterns you can see on the graphs--

I made these on my computer.

Oh, boy, I need to spill some urine. Where can I do that?

The restrooms are at the other end of the restaurant, sir.

Thank you very, very much.

Cheerio.

It's all over the place. This one here is the highs--

It's interesting. Just look at the patterns.

Is that-- Do you need to--

Oh!

That's my... cellular telephone.

It's wireless. It uses satellites and terrestrial antennas...

to send and receive transmissions.

Interesting. Hello?

Hey, here's my buddy, Andy!

Ah, somebody's eating some birthday cake.

Yes, sir, it's my birthday!

How you doin', Jim? I'm great.

So, I guess Gord's busy these days.

Oh, yeah, that kid of mine is somethin' else.

He's working day and night at his big new computer job.

- Yeah, I noticed him over there. - Hey, what?

It looked like he was having a real important business meeting.

Yeah. You're gonna have to speak up. I'm on my cellular telephone.

I don't care, you're fired. You're fired!

You're fucking fired, Bob!

Clean out your locker at the club, Bob. You're fucking fired!

I don't fucking care what he told you, okay?

I'm talking about 40 million fucking deutsche marks!

Forty million fucking deutsche marks!

I told you to wire the money to Geneva last week!

I say "Geneva," you hear "Helsinki"?

Forty million fucking deutsche marks!

What's going on? Dad-- Jim, uh-- Jim, hi.

Gord, is this your dad?

No, this is little Timmy-- Little Timmy. He's an employee.

He works at the company. He gets us food and stuff. Right, Timmy?

What the fuck is going on?

Why aren't you at your new job?

What are you talking about, Timmy?

Oh, Jesus, Gord!

There is no computer job, is there?

You're just gallivanting around in my suit...

pretending to be some kind of mover and shaker, aren't you?

Timmy, I'm on this phone here.

This is my phone from my kitchen.

What the hell is this? Ah, boy, here we go.

My goddamn tape recorder.

He's pretending to have a cell phone. He's an unemployed loser living in my basement.

Wait a minute. You're a cripple.

Dad. Wh-- What?

- Dad. - You got a problem with my legs?

No, you got a problem with your legs. Either that or you're just lazy.

- Just shut up, okay? Just shut up! - You're telling me to shut up?

Why is he shouting, Daddy? How would Mr. Bigwig like a spanking...

Could we get the check over here?

- in front of his retard slut whore? - I am not retarded!

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Good-bye, Gord.

Betty, don't go!

Shut up, Dad!

Shut up! Shut up!

This is a fancy restaurant!

This is a fancy restaurant! This is a fancy restaurant!

It's a fancy! It's a fancy!

Spanking! Spanking!

Aaah! Aaah!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Get off the fucking bar, asshole!

Um, thanks for bailing me out, Betty.

Your dad called me a retard slut whore.

I don't think he likes me too much, Gord. That was little Timmy.

Gord, come here. I know it was your dad.

You could've told me you lived at home. I wouldn't have cared.

Even though that means I'm a loser?

Just because you're not a stockbroker doesn't mean you're a loser.

So what do you do?

Actually, I kinda draw pictures.

Really? What kind of pictures? Like... fruits?

Not fruits. Oh.

I've drawn fruit before. Animations. Oh, wow! That's great.

I've never really-- Never met a real animator before.

I'm not really a real animator. Life's a little hectic lately.

I'm having trouble concentrating with all the skateboarding and...

you sucking my penis all the time.

Oh, my ear popped. My ear just popped. I think I heard it.

When I laughed, my ear popped.

Well, Gordy, maybe you're just concentrating a little too hard.

I mean, maybe you just need to relax while you draw.

Eat some food, play some music.

I only have two hands, Betty. How am I supposed to do all that?

What?

Eat food and play music and draw?

What?

At the same time?

Oh, yeah.

* Sausages, sausages sausages, sausages *

What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?

For your information, this is me being creative.

Betty told me this is what I need to do in order to become an artist.

Oh, yeah? Is it working?

I don't know.

I can't think of anything to draw 'cause I'm so stupid!

* I'm so stupid I'm so stupid *

* I'm so stupid I'm stupid, I'm stupid I'm stupid, I'm stupid *

* I'm stupid, I'm stupid * This is kinda funny, Gord.

* I'm stupid, I'm stupid *

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Maybe you can't see it 'cause he's your dad, but...

he's a character, your dad.

He is?

Yeah.

He's a character? Shit! It's your dad!

* He's a real character * Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brody. Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Brody.

Oh, look, honey, our boy's a genius!

He's rigged a pulley system so he can eat sausage and work on his stupid drawings.

I'm being creative.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I still have some work to do.

* Daddy, would you like some sausage *

* Daddy would you like some sausages, Daddy would you like some sausage *

* Sausages, sausages *

Aah! Aah!

Now you just get outside and you just cool off!

If this were Pakistan, you would've been sewing soccer balls...

when you were four years old.

Miserable deadbeat punk!

I bust my ass working for my family.

You take his side every time.

You want me to cool out? I'm gonna show you a cool out.

Go on, just keep kissing his ass.

Cool down.

How's this for cool down?

I feel better already.

Aaah!

Whoa!

My ramp. Why?

He's such a stupid loser. He's not stupid.

We shouldn't put up with the way he treats us.

If I were you, I wouldn't stand for it.

If I were you, I would show him that I deserve respect.

If I were you, I would go out, I'd have sex. Honey, no.

If I were you, I'd go out, I'd have sex with a strange man.

I'd have sex with basketball players, with Greeks.

Men from Greece.

And satisfy my urges!

I'd satisfy my sexual desires!

Gordy, honey, come on, let's go in the house.

Come on.

That's my ramp. I know.

He wrecked my ramp. I know. It's okay.

I'm sorry. Come on.

When I had the sausages on my fingers, I was just trying to play the piano.

I had the sausages. I had the sausages and the string.

I was playing the organ. And then he smashed my half-pipe.

Jim, do you hear what Gord is saying here?

Yeah, I hear him boo-hooing about his broken wheelie-board ramp.

Is that what you mean? Yes, Jim, but do you understand what he's saying?

Sounds to me like he just wants you to accept him as your son.

To approve of him in what he wants to do with his life.

Now, how does that make you feel?

First, I don't give a rat's ass what this snot-nosed punk wants.

As long as he lives in my house and eats my food, I make the rules.

I wanna eat chicken burgers!

You little prick. Jim, don't hurt my baby. Now sit down.

You're an embarrassment to my family.

Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't touch Freddy.

- Hey, what? - Excuse me?

Yeah, he touches my little brother.

He takes him down behind the furnace, and he touches him in his pants.

See the insanity I have to put up with? He's embarrassed.

He touches my little brother. He--

He, he fingers him.

You're a goddamn liar!

Jim, do you touch him? Do you finger our boy?

Don't you get wacky on me. What the fuck are we talkin' about here?

Mr. Brody, this is very serious.

Based on what I've heard here, I am required by law to notify the authorities.

Do you hear that, Dad? You're gonna pay!

He's a molester.

He's a child... molester!

Aaah!

Aaah! Aaah!

You better run!

You liar!

Then we placed a self-retaining retractor.

This holds the abdominal wall open so we can have--

That takes us to the area of the lymph nodes.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes, you can. We're here for little Freddy.

I'm Freddy.

No.

Well, um, Freddy,

I'm a doctor, and we need to take you with us.

What?

What did I do wrong?

No, no, you didn't do anything wrong.

That's the most important thing for you to remember.

It's not your fault your dad fingered you.

What are you talking about? My dad doesn't finger me.

Come on, son. We'll take you outta here. No!

No, I'm not going anywhere. My father does not finger me.

It's over, Freddy.

We'll take you someplace where your dad won't be able to hurt you anymore.

Officer. Come with me, son.

My dad doesn't finger-- Are you crazy?

It's okay, Freddy. You'll be safe now. I'm 25 years old!

Dad? Dad!

Dad? Help. Please help. What are you doin' with my boy?

I'll get you a lawyer. Freddy, no!

Bye, Fred. It's okay, Julie.

Your husband's deeply disturbed, and we won't let him hurt your little boy anymore.

I didn't do anything.

What are you lookin' at? Bitch.

Honey! Julie!

- What do you think you're doing? - Stop it, Dad.

I'm working hard on those. I'm gettin' em ready to show Mr. Davidson.

Stop it.

"Oh, stop it. Stop it."

"Stop it. Stop it. Stop it."

Fuck you, Dad.

Fuck me?

Yeah, fuck you.

Do you wanna fuck me? Is that what you said?

What?

Do you want to fuck me?

Huh? All right, Gord.

Come on over here... and fuck me.

Come on, Gord! Dance over here and fuck me!

Just stick it right in here!

Put your ass away. I don't--

Here. Your sketches here--

Holy shit, Dad. What are you doing?

Why don't you come on over here and fuck your daddy?

- Fuck, fuck, fuck! - Here we go!

- Hey! - That's disgusting.

Julie?

Sweetie?

Hey.

You're gone, Brody. You're nothing.

- You've always been nothing, and you'll always be nothing. - Dad--

God! I've never been so ashamed of anything in my life.

Julie! Dad.

Sweetie!

* Don't nobody know my troubles but God *

* Ooh, Lordy I got troubles so hard *

* Ooh, Lordy I got troubles so hard *

* Don't nobody know my troubles but God *

* Don't nobody know my troubles but God *

* Ooh, Lordy I got troubles so hard **

Ah, shit.

The hypergolic propeller's not mixing.

Of course. It's the oxidizer.

Too bad it didn't work, huh? Oh, hey, Gord.

How are the animations coming along?

Well, see,

there's been a change in plans.

I figured instead of following my dream of being an animator, I'm just gonna give up.

Why? Because.

Because why? 'Cause why shouldn't I?

My dad was right all along. It is stupid.

It's time I grow up and get a job and do something with my life...

instead of acting like a little baby all the time.

But Gord, you're not a little baby. You can't just quit.

Shut up, Betty. Just shut up.

I have about as much a chance of being an animator...

as you have of getting this stupid rocket-powered wheelchair to work.

Can't you see we're both just a couple of stupid idiots?

Gord-- "Gord!"

"Gordy!"

Gord, I'm so close to getting this rocket to work.

"Rockets! Rockets! I'm gonna get my rockets to work!"

It's always about the rockets! It's always about the rockets!

* Girls and boys come out to play *

* The moon is showing a gorgeous day *

You got fingered?

No. Okay?

It's okay. I know.

Now, I'll tell you once more.

Stop trying to act so grown-up.

I think I'd better run along, Wally.

Is there a problem? Yeah, moron.

I ordered a cheese sandwich, and there's hardly any cheese in here.

That's no good, is it?

Here, give me your sandwich. I will fix it for you.

We can't have people complaining that there's not enough cheese...

in the cheese sandwiches, now, can we?

I mean, if there's no cheese in a cheese sandwich,

it's basically just two slices of bread!

If word of that were to get out, I could lose my job!

I could lose all of this!

And we wouldn't want that, now, would we?

Would we? Would we?

Huh?

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

Well, you could stick it in your bum-bum.

You could put the cheese in your bum.

You can just go on upstairs to your room.

Okay, if that's what you want.

Julie!

Sweetheart, wait!

Let's talk, sugar.

There's nothing to talk about. I can't be with you another second.

Hey, what about our dreams, baby doll?

Oh, I'm sure you'd rather find some young boys instead of me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I saw what you were doing downstairs!

Whatever you saw was completely out of context!

I just told him to fuck me because Gord said, "Fuck you, Dad."

Don't you get it? Fuck you? Fuck me?

Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck me.

And I never fingered Freddy!

Andy. Andy, Andy.

Here's one for the history books.

We've all heard of electric wheelchairs,

but have you heard of one powered by rockets?

A local girl by the name of Betty Manger...

may not be able to walk, but it certainly hasn't slowed her down any.

She's an amateur rocket scientist...

who designed a wheelchair that does zero to sixty in under four seconds.

She did it.

Look at her go!

Way to go, Betty.

Yeah, hi.

Um, do you think that I pay you to stand around watching TV?

Get back to work. Sorry, kid, I don't think this is gonna work out.

Don't call me kid, okay?

Sir, although I respect your authority here at Submarine Supreme...

and I admire your position of power,

I regretfully am going to have to once again bow out of the sandwich industry.

Because in reality, I am an animator!

I'm an animator!

Okay?

I, um-- I have some fetishes.

See ya.

Where the hell do you think you're goin', Gordy? I'm going to get a job, Dad.

You must think I'm a damn idiot! Uh, yes.

Bullshit, you're getting a job!

You're a liar! You're grounded, you liar!

Grounded? I'm 28 years old.

- I don't care! Go to your room! - Bye-bye, Daddy.

Bye-bye, Daddy. I'm going to get a jobby!

No, not-- not in this damn car, you're not!

Bye-bye, Daddy! I'm your number-one son! Fuck you!

Where the fuck is he? Mr. Brody?

Where's my son? What?

Where is he?

Mr. Brody, please! I don't know!

Aah! Are you gonna tell me, you little punk?

He's in Hollywood selling his cartoons. Oh, yeah?

Japan Four!

Okay, Davidson for four at 3:00--

Mr. Davidson, I have something you need to see.

Is there a bomb in there, Gord? It's not a bomb!

I did what you told me to do, okay? I quit my shitty cheese job.

I went home. I moved in with my parents. I worked really hard.

I came up with a concept. Mm-hmm.

It's called "Zebras in America." Okay?

It's about a family of zebras. They move to America.

It's a classic "fish out of water" story.

Except it's not fish. It's, uh, zebras...

out of water.

Of course, zebras don't live in water, Gord, but I understand.

I know. I know. Exactly. Who cares?

That's what I'm talking about. The zebras aren't in the water.

It's like Splash. It's like Splash. I saw it. I loved it.

But I have a question for you. Is this the father character with the goatee like you?

Is that him? Y-Y-Yeah.

Just seems a little unrealistic, that's all.

It's unrealistic. Yeah. It's unreal--

He's a centaur. He's like a half-man,

half-zebra. Right. Clash of the Titans.

- Right. Sure. I get it. - Half-man, half-zebra mutant.

He's a-- He's a-- He's a myth. He's a myth.

It's a mythological-- It's like a Greek myth.

It's like a Greek myth, except African. Sure.

- African-American Greek myth. Yes. - Myth.

Can I help you? Yeah, you can help me, bitch.

Get off your fat ass and tell me where my fucking son is.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Get the fuck out of my way!

But the father is real. No.

Nobody does this shit. I don't buy it. It doesn't seem--

Ahh! Here you are, you goddamn lying car thief!

What's so fuckin' funny, you little prick?

You're fuckin' funny. You think that it's funny...

to brainwash my kid so he sits around with his fingers up his ass?

- I'll show you what's funny! - Mr. Davidson, run!

Oh, don't hurt me, big daddy! Oh, don't hurt me! I'll kick your ass!

Oh, yeah! Don't mess with my son!

I'm the father here! I'll get you!

I'll get you, Gord, you son of a bitch! You too, you little prick!

Ow! That hurt! Hey!

Ow! Goddamn! Great job! Nice show!

Where'd you get this guy? Central Casting?

He is fucking great. I love the whole bit. It was hilarious, Gord.

That's great shit.

Mr. Davidson, I'm sorry. That's my father. He's crazy.

Gord, whatever. Listen, do me a favor. Stop the act, okay?

Let me tell you something.

I've been doing this job, okay, for six years.

I have never seen a more creative or exciting pitch than that.

I wasn't even thinking about writing a check today.

But with that kind of creativity,

I'm completely comfortable green-lighting this fucking project.

I'm gonna write you a check right now, partner,

for, I don't know, how's one million dollars sound to you?

Oh. Uh-- Sound good?

Sounds real--

Hi. My name is Harry.

Do you hear the funny sound? Do you hear the funny sound?

It's my hooves! It's my hooves!

In Africa, the humans hated us because of our zebra lower bodies,

and the zebras hated us because of our human upper bodies.

So my family, we moved from Africa to start over in America.

But life in America wasn't perfect.

Especially for zebras who were used to living in fields, not houses.

My hooves! My hooves!

My dad was weird in Africa, but America made him crazy.

I'm not gettin' a stupid job, Dad!

I never had a part-time job in Africa.

How dare you!

How do you like that, fucker? Huh, fucker? How do you like that, fucker?

Huh, fucker? You fucker!

You fucker! Eh, fucker? Fucker! Fucker!

So check us out. You'll laugh at how simple misunderstandings...

always seem to get us into a whole heap of trouble.

It's crazy! Listen to my hooves!

Listen to my hooves!

Listen to them cloppity-clop.

Listen to them cloppity-clop.

Zebras in America!

Darren! Darren!

Darren.

What do you want, Gord? Darren, you're not gonna believe this.

I don't think we can be friends anymore,

because you're crazy and your father's crazy too.

You wanna see what a million dollars looks like? Will you keep it down?

I have to work in--

What the hell is that? It's a check for a million dollars.

I sold my cartoon. My dad said I couldn't sell my cartoon.

But guess what? I sold my cartoon...

for a million dollars!

- Shh! - I got a million dollars for my little drawings!

No, no, no. For my little drawings!

Don't rub on Mr. Lee. No, no, no, no. Not my plant.

Give me my plant, Gord. Gord, give--

Don't you see? I don't have to take his crap anymore.

You're right. You've done it.

You don't even have to live in their basement anymore.

Look, just give me $100,000 in cash, put the rest in my checking/savings account.

What do you want with 100 grand, Gord?

Hmm! Hmm!

Hmm! No.

- Don't-- Don't do that. - I wonder!

I wonder! I wonder!

Betty! Betty, come to the window!

Betty! Betty!

Gord? Gord, is that you?

Look at me, Betty! I'm flying!

- Gord, what do you want? - Meet me on the roof!

Meet me on the roof, Betty, please!

* When a man loves a woman *

* Can't keep his mind on nothin' else *

* He'd trade the world for a good thing he's found *

* If she is bad he can't see it *

* She can do no wrong * Gord, what are you doing?

* Turn his back on his best friend *

* If he put her down * What?

I saw you on TV--

* When a man loves a woman *

Gord, I can't hear you!

I saw you on TV, and you inspired me to keep trying.

So I did it, and I sold my animations and--

Remember that day I lied to you and told you that I was a stockbroker?

Guess what? Now I really am rich, and-- Here.

I have a bag of jewels for you. Gord.

- Gord-- - They're jewels, Betty. They're jewels.

I got them all for you.

But Gord, I don't care about jewels.

I just wanna-- I just wanna suck your cock.

Do you-- Do you really mean that, Betty?

Yes, Gord.

Even if you were poor, I'd still just wanna stay home and--

and suck your cock.

* When a man * Oh, Betty.

* Loves a woman * Oh, Gordy.

* Down deep in his soul *

* She can bring him *

Are you crying, you silly? No! No!

Yes, you are. Okay, maybe just a little.

I gotta go! I gotta go!

Okay. But where are you going, Gord?

I'm going to see my daddy!

* When a man loves a woman * Good luck, Gord! Good luck!

I'm going to see my daddy!

Good luck, Gordy!

My daddy! My daddy!

Somebody in this room?

I'll kick your ass.

Fuck.

Sweet dreams, Daddy.

You see, Mr. Brody? This part here, that's the trickiest part.

It'll take 30 men.

Believe me, it would be a lot cheaper if you just tear the whole thing down and--

Money's no object.

'Cause I had a million dollars, okay?

And then I spent $150,000 on the jewels, okay?

And then I spent $100,000-- I rented a helicopter, okay?

And then you add this $750,000, that's all my money.

That's all my money, gone. It's a million dollars gone.

Easy come, easy go. Yeah.

I tell ya.

Oh, yeah, Frida. That's the ticket.

Where in the fuck's that water?

Surprise, Daddy! We're in Pakistan!

I thought we could go sew some soccer balls together!

Pakistan? Pakistan?

That's a fuckin' camel!

We're going for a ride, Daddy!

What is going on?

What is going on? Why the hell did you do this to me?

- Oh, no! - Stop! Stop!

Dad, uh--

There ain't gonna be no discussion from now on!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

I'm gonna kill you!

Hey! Hey, hey!

You're fuckin' dead.

Oh, God.

You didn't know I could run this fast, did you, fuck-face? Hey!

You better run, you little shit!

Look at me, Daddy!

Oh! Look at me!

Look at me, Daddy! Look what I can do!

What the fuck do you think you're doing, you sick son of a bitch?

Look! Oh!

Dad?

Oh!

Gord. Are you okay?

I think so.

Shit.

I wanna ask you something, all right?

How the fuck did you afford all this?

Where'd you get the money?

I got a job.

I'm an animator. I'm a real animator.

A job? You mean your doodles?

Yeah, Dad. I sold them.

They gave me a million dollars for my drawings.

Good God Almighty, Gord! A million dollars?

This doodlin' thing's for real.

Yeah, you must be a pretty damn good doodler, aren't you?

Look, I know we've had our differences.

You and I never really see eye to eye, but I learned something.

I could see that. No.

Not just how to whack off an elephant.

I learned to believe in myself.

And I'm sorry if you're ashamed of me sometimes...

because I do things a little differently, but I got that from you.

'Cause you always do things your own way, no matter what other people think.

Maybe I needed to do the same.

I know I'll never be the man you want me to be,

but I'm your son.

And I want you to be proud.

Son, you did it.

I am proud of you.

Proud?

Proud.

What is this?

Topping world news tonight:

The creator of a popular television show...

has been captured by villagers in Pakistan.

The American State Department has confirmed that Gordon Brody,

creator of the animated series Zebras in America--

...creator of the animated series Zebras in America--

...were taken hostage earlier today while vacationing in the Thar Desert--

...while vacationing in the Thar Desert along the Pakistan-India border.

At this hour, their conditions are not known.

The world got its first glimpse of Gordon and Jim Brody.

Earlier today, the Pentagon released this videotape...

which they received from the captors. Why are we watching this?

Are you still in love with your husband? No, Shaq, honey.

That's my son-- my little baby boy. They're holding him hostage.

- I'm just being a concerned mom. - Yeah, whatever.

I did all this for you-- nipples pierced.

Can he do it like this? Huh?

Can he do it like that? Or do all this? Do all that?

...to bring the Brody's home alive.

A happy ending in the Brody hostage crisis.

After 18 months in captivity, the father and son were freed yesterday.

Gordon and Jim Brody were expected to return to their home in Portland today...

where the real healing will begin.

The mayor and the city have organized a celebration for the Brodys' return.

Hey, Gord!

Wait for me! Andy, no!

Andy!

No!

Daddy! I'm okay! I'm okay!

I'm okay, Daddy!

May I have your attention, please?

May I have your attention, please?

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

I repeat: Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

We're gonna have a problem here.

* Y'all act like you never seen a white person before *

* Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door *

** You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!

He's a stupid-- He's a stupid-- Not stupid.

He's stupid! He's stupid! Not stupid. Not stupid.

Ooh! Now I'm stinky!

Now I'm stinky! Now-- Now I'm stinky!

It's a monster! What the hell are you doin'?

You're a tasty monster.

Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!

Get up off your ass!

What the fuck am I doing?

* Yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating *

* So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up *

* Please stand up Please stand up *

I guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us.

Let's all stand up.

One, two! Do the Freddy!

* Do the Freddy, do the Freddy Do the Freddy, do the Freddy *

* Do the Freddy, do the Freddy Do the Freddy, do the Freddy *

* Whether I'm right *

* Or whether I'm wrong *

* Whether I find a place in this world *

* Or never belong *

* I've gotta be me *

* I've gotta be me *

* What else can I be but what I am *

* I wanna live *

* Not merely survive *

* And I won't give up this dream of life *

* That keeps me alive *

* I've gotta be me *

* I've gotta be me *

* The dream that I see makes me what I am *

* That faraway prize *

* A world of success *

* Is waitin' for me if I heed the call *

* I won't settle down *

* Or settle for less *

* As long as there is a chance that I can have it all *

* I'll go it alone *

* That's how it must be *

* I can't be right for nobody else *

* If I'm not right for me *

* I gotta be free *

* I gotta be free *

* Daring to try to do it or die *

* I've gotta be me *

* I've gotta be me * * I've gotta be me *

* I've gotta be me * * I've gotta be me *

* I've gotta be me * * I've gotta be me *

* One, two, three Gotta be me **

And cut!