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1
00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:01,993
Created and Encoded by -- Bokutox -- of www.YIFY-TORRENTS.com. The Best 720p/1080p/3d movies with the lowest file size on the internet. Come and say hi to me; World of Warcraft - Outland PVP (EU) - Torporr (name)
2
00:01:01,994 --> 00:01:03,756
Yeah.
3
00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:56,470
Terrorists?
4
00:02:01,487 --> 00:02:05,320
I left the coffee pot
on again, didn't I?
5
00:02:07,493 --> 00:02:09,327
Shit!
6
00:02:09,328 --> 00:02:11,329
Now where am I gonna
bring chicks to fuck
7
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:14,424
when my mom's home?
8
00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:49,701
Here we stand
9
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:53,069
Like an Adam and an Eve
10
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:57,809
Waterfalls
11
00:02:57,810 --> 00:03:01,813
The Garden of Eden
12
00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:05,550
Two fools in love
13
00:03:05,551 --> 00:03:06,551
So beautiful...
14
00:03:06,552 --> 00:03:09,487
So, ready for your big last day?
15
00:03:09,488 --> 00:03:10,655
I am.
16
00:03:10,656 --> 00:03:12,457
When do you and your old lady
head down to Florida?
17
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:13,658
Tomorrow morning.
18
00:03:13,659 --> 00:03:14,826
Car's all packed up.
19
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:15,827
You gonna do anything crazy
20
00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:17,962
before you leave
New Jersey forever?
21
00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:18,963
How long have you known me?
22
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:20,665
If I were you,
I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"
23
00:03:20,666 --> 00:03:23,001
across the side of the building
in huge letters.
24
00:03:23,002 --> 00:03:24,836
Why?
25
00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:26,604
Let 'em know
you were there, man.
26
00:03:26,605 --> 00:03:28,339
I'd rather let them know
I'm not an asshole.
27
00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:29,874
Too late for that.
28
00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:32,644
I'm really gonna miss you, man.
29
00:03:32,645 --> 00:03:33,878
Hey
30
00:03:33,879 --> 00:03:35,547
Once there were parking lots
31
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:40,018
Now it's a peaceful oasis
32
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:42,120
You've got it, you've got it
33
00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:43,722
This was a Pizza Hut
34
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:48,026
Now it's all covered
with daisies
35
00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,961
You've got it, you've got it
36
00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:55,667
I miss the honky-tonks,
Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens
37
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,569
You've got it, you've got it
38
00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,504
And as things fell apart
39
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:03,508
Nobody paid much attention
40
00:04:03,509 --> 00:04:06,102
You've got it, you've got it
41
00:04:14,353 --> 00:04:17,789
Years ago
42
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:21,526
I was an angry young man...
43
00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:23,528
I can't believe they haven't
done anything with it yet.
44
00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:25,697
The Lord did
something with it.
45
00:04:25,698 --> 00:04:28,199
He smited that hellhole.
46
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,534
Listen to you.
47
00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:30,535
Do you mean to tell me
48
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:32,036
you don't miss
that place at all?
49
00:04:32,037 --> 00:04:33,705
God, no.
50
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:36,037
Do you?
51
00:04:38,377 --> 00:04:39,878
Of course not.
52
00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:43,548
I wish I had a lawnmower
53
00:04:43,549 --> 00:04:46,108
You've got it, you've got it
54
00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:54,285
I dream of cherry pies
55
00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:58,890
Candy bars
and chocolate chip cookies
56
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:01,092
You've got it, you've got it
57
00:06:01,093 --> 00:06:03,294
Don't leave me stranded here
58
00:06:03,295 --> 00:06:08,459
I can't get used
to this lifestyle.
59
00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:22,180
Grandma, what was it like
60
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:26,017
To be on that holiday site?
61
00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:27,986
Get the fuck out of here!
62
00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:31,155
Grandma said, "Do come in,
my little friend."
63
00:06:31,156 --> 00:06:34,359
You know, sometimes I wish
I did a little more with my life
64
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,988
instead of hanging out in front
of places selling weed and shit.
65
00:06:38,530 --> 00:06:41,366
Like, maybe be an animal doctor.
66
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,867
Why not me?
67
00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:45,700
I like seals and shit.
68
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:48,706
Or maybe an astronaut.
69
00:06:48,707 --> 00:06:50,475
Yeah.
70
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:53,311
Like, be the first motherfucker
to see a new galaxy
71
00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:57,749
or find
a new alien life-form...
72
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,649
and fuck it.
73
00:07:00,185 --> 00:07:03,454
And people'd be like,
"There he goes.
74
00:07:03,455 --> 00:07:07,225
Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
75
00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:09,327
Holy shit.
76
00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:10,995
Our first customer
since our triumphant return.
77
00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:11,996
Act cool.
78
00:07:11,997 --> 00:07:14,624
Hold on.
79
00:07:17,369 --> 00:07:18,836
Yeah, you guys holdin'?
80
00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:21,706
Shit, everything but coke,
heroin and your cock.
81
00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:23,474
What?
82
00:07:23,475 --> 00:07:24,776
How about a nickel bag, man?
83
00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:27,312
Oh, 15 bucks, little man.
84
00:07:27,313 --> 00:07:29,280
Put that shit in my hand.
85
00:07:29,281 --> 00:07:32,150
Nong, nong, nagga-
nagga-nong-nong.
86
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:34,642
He likes to sing.
87
00:07:38,023 --> 00:07:40,692
So, uh, I haven't seen
you guys in a while, man.
88
00:07:40,693 --> 00:07:41,826
Where you been all this time?
89
00:07:41,827 --> 00:07:43,695
Me and Silent Bob
finally bought a car,
90
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,196
we're cruising down
to the Boardwalk...
91
00:07:45,197 --> 00:07:46,998
fucking Middletown cop
pulls us over
92
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:48,633
for Suspicion of Mischief.
93
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:49,934
What the fuck does that mean?
94
00:07:49,935 --> 00:07:53,004
We were driving around
with a deployed airbag.
95
00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:54,472
The cops pull us over.
96
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,741
They find two pounds
of Jamaican lambswool.
97
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:58,643
Prosecutor wants
to put us away for a dime,
98
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:00,945
but the judge gives us
rehab instead.
99
00:08:00,946 --> 00:08:01,946
Shit, rehab?
100
00:08:01,947 --> 00:08:02,714
Yup-yup.
101
00:08:02,715 --> 00:08:03,848
How long were you in?
102
00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:04,849
Six months, sir.
103
00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:06,818
We got six months
and two days on the wagon
104
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,486
as a good friend of Bill W.'s.
105
00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:10,488
Check it out.
106
00:08:10,489 --> 00:08:12,490
Just got it two days ago,
before we got out.
107
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:14,125
Yeah, but if you're holding
all the time,
108
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:16,461
aren't you gonna be tempted
to get high?
109
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:20,363
Oh, not with the power
of Christ on my side, sir.
110
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:23,134
Is that a fuckin' Bible?
111
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,636
Hey, hey,
the Holy fuckin' Bible, son!
112
00:08:25,637 --> 00:08:27,872
What the fuck kind
of songbird Jesus-freak dealer
113
00:08:27,873 --> 00:08:29,207
did you bring me to?
114
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,209
I like them, man.
They're funny.
115
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:33,011
They're fuckin' stupid.
116
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,379
You should read your Bible,
sirs.
117
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:37,415
You'll find all types
of weird shit in there.
118
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:40,282
Like, did you know
Jesus was a Jew?
119
00:08:40,819 --> 00:08:42,911
Yeah.
120
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:47,992
I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,
121
00:08:47,993 --> 00:08:49,293
and we're almost out
of hash browns.
122
00:08:49,294 --> 00:08:50,886
Hold on.
123
00:08:51,363 --> 00:08:53,387
Now, Randal!
124
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,872
What are you writing
over there, anyway,
125
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:01,873
your memoirs?
126
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:03,241
I'm battling
127
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:05,643
this jackass
on his blog's message board.
128
00:09:05,644 --> 00:09:06,677
About what?
129
00:09:06,678 --> 00:09:09,113
On how he's got
too much free time and no life.
130
00:09:09,114 --> 00:09:10,982
So does the guy who's
flaming him on his Web site.
131
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:12,984
I can't help it.
The guy pisses me off.
132
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,419
It's this fuck in a wheelchair
133
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:16,287
that's always preying
on everyone's sympathies,
134
00:09:16,288 --> 00:09:19,557
writing these long diatribes
about how he'll never walk again
135
00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:21,893
and how walkers should
appreciate the blessings
136
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,694
of their functioning legs.
137
00:09:23,695 --> 00:09:24,896
That diatribe, as you call it,
138
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,064
sounds like
some poor crippled guy
139
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,765
pouring out his heart
and feelings.
140
00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:29,067
Oh, fuck him, man.
141
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,735
Trying to guilt me
into walking around more
142
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,403
because he's all gimped out?
143
00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:34,105
What kind of mind-fuck
is that shit?
144
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:35,840
So I've been getting
into it with him,
145
00:09:35,841 --> 00:09:38,810
throwing it back
in his stupid crippy-boy face
146
00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:40,411
about how I love
to just sit around
147
00:09:40,412 --> 00:09:43,848
and how I'd rather drive to
the end of the block than walk.
148
00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:45,583
The guy's in a wheelchair.
149
00:09:45,584 --> 00:09:47,452
Yeah. That's why
I called him crippy-boy.
150
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:49,020
Have a good one.
151
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:51,955
You fuckin' freak.
152
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,794
I'm not even gonna point out
the irony here.
153
00:09:56,795 --> 00:09:58,296
What's the matter with you?
154
00:09:58,297 --> 00:09:59,464
What'd I do now?
155
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:00,631
There's a crippled guy
who found a way
156
00:10:00,632 --> 00:10:02,800
to reach out to a world
he feels isolated from,
157
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:04,969
and you somehow found a
way to take issue with him.
158
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,637
Sure, take his side.
159
00:10:06,638 --> 00:10:07,805
Have you become so embittered
160
00:10:07,806 --> 00:10:10,475
that you now feel the need
to attack the handicapped?
161
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:11,642
What handicap?
162
00:10:11,643 --> 00:10:13,144
The guy's
just in a wheelchair.
163
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,480
It's not like
he's Anne Frank or something.
164
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,148
Anne Frank?
165
00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:19,617
Yeah, Anne Frank,
the chick that was all...
166
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:21,819
...till the miracle worker
showed up
167
00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:23,521
and knocked
some smarts into her.
168
00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:24,522
You're talking
169
00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:25,857
about Helen Keller.
170
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:27,191
No, I'm not.
I'm talking about Anne Frank.
171
00:10:27,192 --> 00:10:28,359
She was deaf, dumb and blind.
172
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,360
No, she wasn't.
173
00:10:29,361 --> 00:10:31,529
Helen Keller was
deaf, dumb and blind.
174
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:32,697
Are you sure?
175
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:33,865
Yup.
176
00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:36,033
Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
177
00:10:36,034 --> 00:10:37,535
Anne Frank's
the little Jewish girl
178
00:10:37,536 --> 00:10:39,036
who hid from the Nazis
179
00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:40,705
in a secret room
with her family.
180
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:41,706
She wrote a diary.
181
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:42,773
Oh, yeah.
182
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,876
Well, then, I guess
this guy is like Anne Frank,
183
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:47,378
what with the diary, you know?
184
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:51,838
No, he's like Helen Keller
with the handicap, you jerk!
185
00:10:52,384 --> 00:10:53,985
You always got to be right,
don't you?
186
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,820
You Nazi douche bag.
187
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,488
What? What do you want?
188
00:10:57,489 --> 00:11:00,491
No, we don't serve Cow Tippers
in the morning.
189
00:11:00,492 --> 00:11:04,086
Freedom Toast is a possibility.
190
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:20,370
Oh, we totally do.
191
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:24,939
All right, that'll be $12.64.
192
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:44,966
Avert your eyes, you perv.
193
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:46,704
That's not very hygienic.
194
00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:49,070
That's all I'm gonna tell you.
195
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:53,144
Emma, are you like this
196
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:55,704
'cause you have an
unnaturally large clit?
197
00:11:58,083 --> 00:11:59,483
You just had to tell him,
didn't you?
198
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:00,818
It kind of came out one day.
199
00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:01,953
He says it's so big,
200
00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:03,154
it's almost like
a little cock...
201
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:05,323
which says all kinds
of weird things about him
202
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:06,891
that I don't even want
to think about.
203
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:07,992
You wouldn't want
to be with a girl
204
00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:09,227
with an oversized clit?
205
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:13,061
No, 'cause the next stop is
a guy with an undersized dick.
206
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:36,787
You're a little hard.
207
00:12:36,788 --> 00:12:38,155
'Cause you're
a little close to me.
208
00:12:38,156 --> 00:12:39,624
I can pull back, if you want.
209
00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:42,760
Can we pull back into our
own apartment in Florida again?
210
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:44,695
Really? Goddamn it, Dante.
211
00:12:44,696 --> 00:12:45,863
How many times
are we gonna have
212
00:12:45,864 --> 00:12:47,632
this fucking conversation?
213
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:50,301
There is no point
in getting an apartment anymore.
214
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:51,969
My mother has
pretty much told us
215
00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,971
that she's gonna get us
a house as a wedding gift.
216
00:12:53,972 --> 00:12:55,473
Your parents' generosity
217
00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:57,708
just makes me
a little uncomfortable, Em.
218
00:12:57,709 --> 00:12:59,243
They're giving us a house.
219
00:12:59,244 --> 00:13:01,746
Your dad's giving me
one of his car washes to run.
220
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:03,080
It just feels weird.
221
00:13:03,081 --> 00:13:05,983
Babe, it just feels weird
because you're so used
222
00:13:05,984 --> 00:13:07,885
to life shitting
on you all the time.
223
00:13:07,886 --> 00:13:09,920
What the fuck does that mean?
224
00:13:09,921 --> 00:13:11,656
All I'm saying is that suddenly,
225
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:13,324
you have a woman that loves you,
226
00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:15,293
a new job opportunity
227
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:18,592
and a fantastic life
to look forward to, right?
228
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:22,395
You got to face it, tiger:
You hit the jackpot.
229
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:30,130
What's up?
230
00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:33,778
Something wrong?
231
00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:34,779
Nope.
232
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:36,314
Just saw you guys talking.
233
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,915
Thought I'd come out here
and join you.
234
00:13:37,916 --> 00:13:38,916
God, it must be
nice to have a job
235
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:40,584
with so much downtime.
236
00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:42,153
Downtime's important.
237
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,221
If I had to deal with all
the fucking mouth-breathers
238
00:13:44,222 --> 00:13:45,756
nonstop, without a break,
239
00:13:45,757 --> 00:13:47,724
I'd put my head
in the deep fryer.
240
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,661
Balls, too.
241
00:13:50,662 --> 00:13:51,662
Do you really want
242
00:13:51,663 --> 00:13:53,831
to sit here and watch me
and my fianc� make out?
243
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:55,566
- Are you that much of a loser?
- Not really.
244
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:57,435
I was actually gonna ask
you two to knock it off
245
00:13:57,436 --> 00:13:59,136
while I was out here.
246
00:13:59,137 --> 00:14:00,438
I don't fucking understand
why you can't be happy
247
00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:01,939
for your best friend.
248
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:04,271
He finally found a woman
who loves him.
249
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:06,444
Like you even register
as a chick to me.
250
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:08,145
You might as well be a dude.
251
00:14:08,146 --> 00:14:09,613
Really?
252
00:14:09,614 --> 00:14:11,549
Yeah. You're
my best friend's girlfriend.
253
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,451
You became
persona non-nookie to me
254
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,920
the moment he started diddling
your pooter.
255
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,521
So thinking of me
in terms of being a girl
256
00:14:17,522 --> 00:14:18,889
kind of creeps you out,
does it?
257
00:14:18,890 --> 00:14:21,425
Sweetheart, I don't think
of you in terms of being a girl.
258
00:14:21,426 --> 00:14:24,759
I don't think of you
in any way...
259
00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:27,698
Oh, that was just wrong.
260
00:14:27,699 --> 00:14:29,133
If you don't get
the fuck out of here
261
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,469
so that I can spend
some quality time with my man,
262
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,371
next, I'm gonna show you
my pooter.
263
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,840
Why would you want
to do something like that?
264
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:38,376
All right, all right,
I'm leaving!
265
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,866
Jesus!
266
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:44,782
What'd you do that for?
267
00:14:44,783 --> 00:14:46,751
You realize he just
thinks you're trying
268
00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:48,853
to get him into a three-way
with us now, don't you?
269
00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:50,654
Yeah, right.
With Graves?
270
00:14:50,655 --> 00:14:53,257
That man's a total fucking
Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.
271
00:14:53,258 --> 00:14:54,458
Hey!
272
00:14:54,459 --> 00:14:56,427
You talk tough, but when
we're crossing the state line,
273
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:57,928
I bet you get all sentimental
for Jersey
274
00:14:57,929 --> 00:14:59,430
and squirt a few tears.
275
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:00,965
Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.
276
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,032
Jersey sucks,
277
00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:03,534
and we are surrounded by morons.
278
00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:05,770
On that note, I'm gonna go.
279
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,271
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're leaving?
280
00:15:07,272 --> 00:15:09,073
Yeah, I've got
a ton of stuff to do
281
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,303
before we leave in the morning,
but I love you.
282
00:15:11,843 --> 00:15:13,277
I love you, too.
283
00:15:13,278 --> 00:15:15,609
Bye.
284
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:24,455
Dude, I'm pretty sure
your old lady wants
285
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:28,016
to get you and me together
in a three-way.
286
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,451
Ow.
287
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,249
Dude, how old are you?
288
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,122
You know I'm 19, Randal.
289
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,791
You wouldn't work for me
last week, remember?
290
00:16:00,792 --> 00:16:03,127
'Cause you said working
on my birthday
291
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,755
would help me build character.
292
00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:09,300
Well, at least you spelled
"cock" right this time.
293
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:11,302
Why the fuck are you
still getting rides
294
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,970
from your mother?
295
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:14,138
And even worse,
296
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,140
what the fuck are you
kissing her good-bye for?
297
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:18,309
What is she,
your fuckin' prom date?
298
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:19,977
You're not gonna bother me
today, Randal.
299
00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:21,145
I'm in too good a mood.
300
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,147
Because your mom
slipped you the tongue?
301
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:27,485
No, because I just read online
that there's gonna be
302
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,587
a live-action
Transformers movie.
303
00:16:29,588 --> 00:16:30,754
And?
304
00:16:30,755 --> 00:16:33,424
Well... I mean, as you know,
305
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:35,426
my online handle
is Optimus Prime.
306
00:16:35,427 --> 00:16:37,428
I know that.
I wish I didn't.
307
00:16:37,429 --> 00:16:40,931
Well, so not only is it awesome
308
00:16:40,932 --> 00:16:44,268
that there's gonna be a
live-action Transformers movie,
309
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:47,438
but I'm, like,
positioned or whatever
310
00:16:47,439 --> 00:16:52,276
with the best possible
Net handle and e-mail address
311
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:53,944
for when the movie comes out.
312
00:16:53,945 --> 00:16:57,114
Oh, you're gonna be rolling
in the pussy, man.
313
00:16:57,115 --> 00:16:58,849
Don't be gross.
314
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:00,284
Says the guy
who was just playing
315
00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:02,219
tonsil hockey with his mother.
316
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:03,554
Mr. Dante!
317
00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:07,422
Leave Elias alone, Randal!
318
00:17:08,627 --> 00:17:10,924
Don't look at his wee-wee.
319
00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:13,564
Dude, the Transformers sucked.
320
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:14,798
Oh, no, they didn't.
321
00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:16,664
They were more
than meets the eye.
322
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,470
They could beat the pants
off Ranger Danger any day.
323
00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:21,572
Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering
whether you're right
324
00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:23,040
- about that or not.
- Ow.
325
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:25,476
I thought you weren't even
allowed to watch a lot of TV
326
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:27,311
in your house 'cause you're all
Christian and shit.
327
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:29,613
Well, as it turns out,
cars and trucks
328
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,415
that turn into...
329
00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:35,519
robots aren't really
that blasphemous,
330
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,521
because my pastor says
331
00:17:37,522 --> 00:17:40,224
that machines can turn
into other machines,
332
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,993
and it's not a sleight
against God.
333
00:17:42,994 --> 00:17:44,728
Transformers were
a total sleight against God,
334
00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:47,431
inasmuch as God sent
His only begotten son
335
00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:50,000
to die on the cross
to redeem mankind,
336
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:51,235
and all we did to pay him back
337
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:54,864
was make terrible fucking
cartoons like the Transformers.
338
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,241
Nice shot.
339
00:17:57,242 --> 00:18:02,079
Well, 'cause at Bible camp,
we made this flow chart which...
340
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,414
I mean, I don't know,
341
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:06,584
kind of, like, proved
or whatever that...
342
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,718
Well, okay...
343
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,019
Bible camp?!
344
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:10,509
Since God created...
345
00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:13,290
Since God created man,
346
00:18:13,291 --> 00:18:17,090
and man created
the Transformers...
347
00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:20,764
...the Transformers are like
a gift from God, Randal.
348
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:23,601
No, sir.
They are not a gift from God.
349
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,836
They are an unholy curse
350
00:18:25,837 --> 00:18:27,805
from the beast
we call the Desolate One.
351
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:29,273
I don't really want
to hear this, Randal.
352
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:30,841
The first of the fallen,
353
00:18:30,842 --> 00:18:32,209
the spoiler of virgins,
354
00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,511
the master of abortions!
355
00:18:34,512 --> 00:18:36,280
You know I don't like to talk
about dark forces, Randal.
356
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,748
Let me help you
357
00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:39,617
Out of your chair, Grandma!
358
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,919
Grandma, what was it like
359
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:45,089
To be on that holiday site?
360
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,658
Late that night,
I awoke from my sleep
361
00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:50,260
Hearing unknown voices
362
00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:51,955
Laughing insane...
363
00:18:56,434 --> 00:18:58,731
Oh...
364
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:18,355
Oh, what the fuck was that?
365
00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:19,356
What?
366
00:19:19,357 --> 00:19:20,357
That wave.
367
00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:22,192
I saw Becky, so I waved.
368
00:19:22,193 --> 00:19:24,361
She'll be in here in 20 seconds.
369
00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:25,362
And?
370
00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:26,530
And you've got to greet her
371
00:19:26,531 --> 00:19:28,799
before she gets in here,
you fuckin' ass-kiss?
372
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:29,800
What's that all about?
373
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,268
It's called friendship.
374
00:19:31,269 --> 00:19:32,269
She's your boss.
375
00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:33,637
You can't be friends
with your boss.
376
00:19:33,638 --> 00:19:35,639
No, you can't be friends
with your boss.
377
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,974
I like my boss.
378
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:38,976
I think there's
something going on
379
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:40,144
between you two.
380
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:41,145
You're crazy.
381
00:19:41,146 --> 00:19:43,147
You spend an awful lot
of time talking to her.
382
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,482
I spend an awful lot of time
talking to you, too.
383
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:46,650
And I've always maintained
384
00:19:46,651 --> 00:19:49,520
you're harboring an unrequited
homosexual crush on me.
385
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:50,688
We're just friends.
386
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,189
That's what I keep telling you.
387
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,191
No, you idiot, me and Becks.
388
00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:55,693
"Becks"?
389
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:56,694
I knew it.
390
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:59,196
You're fucking
around with the boss.
391
00:19:59,197 --> 00:20:02,700
Yeah, that's why I'm moving
to Florida with my fianc�e.
392
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,867
Why would you want
to fuck around
393
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:05,536
with a chick your own age, man?
394
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,538
If you've got to sow
some of your wild oats,
395
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,206
there's all
these fine young chicks
396
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:10,941
that stop in here after school.
397
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:14,478
First off, I'm not cheating
on my fianc�e.
398
00:20:14,479 --> 00:20:17,081
Secondly, if I was cheating
on my fianc�e,
399
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,016
it wouldn't be with a teenager.
400
00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:20,084
Why not?
401
00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:21,485
The best part of this job
402
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:23,987
is all the barely-legal pussy
that comes in here.
403
00:20:23,988 --> 00:20:25,389
And they all look up to me,
404
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,157
'cause I've got
a driver's license.
405
00:20:27,158 --> 00:20:29,860
It's awesome.
You're 33.
406
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:31,695
You show me one
33-year-old chick
407
00:20:31,696 --> 00:20:33,130
who's as buck-wild in bed
408
00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:34,898
as her 17-year-old
counterpart.
409
00:20:34,899 --> 00:20:36,700
17-year-olds
nowadays are crazy.
410
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:38,135
They're up for anything.
411
00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,934
They even like it when
you go ass to mouth.
412
00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:43,807
Oh... my... God.
413
00:20:43,808 --> 00:20:44,808
What?
414
00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:45,943
Are you serious?
415
00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:48,345
I don't fuck around when
it comes to ass to mouth.
416
00:20:48,346 --> 00:20:49,880
You never go ass to mouth.
417
00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:51,248
It's never my idea.
418
00:20:51,249 --> 00:20:53,283
These young girls today
get all horned up,
419
00:20:53,284 --> 00:20:55,119
and they tell you
to go ass to mouth.
420
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,653
You never go
ass to mouth, Randal!
421
00:20:56,654 --> 00:20:57,988
You sound like my mom.
422
00:20:57,989 --> 00:20:59,523
Becks, do you ever
go ass to mouth?
423
00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:00,991
You never go ass to mouth.
424
00:21:00,992 --> 00:21:02,693
You've never gone ass to mouth?
425
00:21:02,694 --> 00:21:04,161
You never go ass to mouth.
426
00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:05,729
I've never gone ass to mouth.
427
00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:06,964
Not even once?
428
00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:08,398
Not even ever.
429
00:21:08,399 --> 00:21:09,767
You're both so repressed.
430
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:10,868
All right, look,
431
00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:12,903
I know you've given
a blow job, right?
432
00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:14,905
I haven't even put
my purse down yet.
433
00:21:14,906 --> 00:21:16,073
That's a yes.
434
00:21:16,074 --> 00:21:18,275
And I know you've
gone down on chicks.
435
00:21:18,276 --> 00:21:19,610
What's your point?
436
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:20,644
Well,
437
00:21:20,645 --> 00:21:22,846
when you're done chowing down
on the no-no parts
438
00:21:22,847 --> 00:21:24,448
of your lover,
you kiss him, right?
439
00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:26,116
That's just like going
ass to mouth.
440
00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:29,153
Okay, I'm pretty sure you just
compared a vagina to an asshole.
441
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,420
And?
442
00:21:30,421 --> 00:21:33,323
Have you restocked
all the napkin holders yet?
443
00:21:33,324 --> 00:21:35,325
That's an Elias job.
444
00:21:35,326 --> 00:21:37,728
That comparison
of pink and brown eyes
445
00:21:37,729 --> 00:21:39,429
just made it a Randal job.
446
00:21:39,430 --> 00:21:40,597
Zing!
447
00:21:40,598 --> 00:21:43,123
Shut the fuck up, GoBot.
448
00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:49,606
I could probably sue
this whole corporation right now
449
00:21:49,607 --> 00:21:50,841
for sexual harassment.
450
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:53,043
You're just making me
restock the napkin holders
451
00:21:53,044 --> 00:21:54,511
because of my firmly held
beliefs
452
00:21:54,512 --> 00:21:56,513
on the subject of ass to mouth.
453
00:21:56,514 --> 00:21:58,248
You never go ass to mouth!
454
00:21:58,249 --> 00:22:01,081
Would you grow up?
455
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:06,323
All right,
I'm gonna tell you this
456
00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:08,125
'cause we're friends...
457
00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:11,028
but sometimes,
in the heat of the moment,
458
00:22:11,029 --> 00:22:13,963
it's forgivable
to go ass to mouth.
459
00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:17,497
I knew it.
460
00:22:19,537 --> 00:22:23,540
I'm fuckin' bored, man!
461
00:22:23,541 --> 00:22:28,501
And boredom's the first step
on the road to relapse.
462
00:22:43,127 --> 00:22:45,288
Oh!
463
00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:57,239
Would you fuck me?
464
00:22:57,976 --> 00:23:00,644
I'd fuck me.
465
00:23:00,645 --> 00:23:04,248
I'd fuck me hard.
466
00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:11,382
Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh...
467
00:23:25,737 --> 00:23:28,228
Shit.
468
00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,174
Well, hello, Miss Scott.
469
00:23:31,175 --> 00:23:34,645
Well, here he is,
the escape artist.
470
00:23:34,646 --> 00:23:36,179
I'm not gone yet.
471
00:23:36,180 --> 00:23:38,448
Please. You've been
gone for the last month.
472
00:23:38,449 --> 00:23:39,783
When do you guys leave?
473
00:23:39,784 --> 00:23:42,052
Well, we start driving
tomorrow morning.
474
00:23:42,053 --> 00:23:43,987
Oh, uh, I left you
the forwarding address
475
00:23:43,988 --> 00:23:45,923
for my last check
on the calendar there.
476
00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:48,425
So you did.
477
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:51,094
That's her parents' house,
right?
478
00:23:51,095 --> 00:23:54,831
Yes, but only until the wedding.
479
00:23:54,832 --> 00:23:56,566
And then, from what I hear,
480
00:23:56,567 --> 00:23:58,936
her parents
are giving us a house.
481
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:00,971
Nice!
482
00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:03,307
So I guess dowries
are making a comeback.
483
00:24:03,308 --> 00:24:04,441
Oh, yeah.
484
00:24:04,442 --> 00:24:06,510
Her dad sweetened the pot
with two fatted calves
485
00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:08,239
and a goat.
486
00:24:09,547 --> 00:24:11,548
I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.
487
00:24:11,549 --> 00:24:13,483
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.
488
00:24:13,484 --> 00:24:14,618
I still can't believe
489
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:17,254
you're just gonna leave
me alone in this place...
490
00:24:17,255 --> 00:24:19,022
with Randal Graves,
of all people.
491
00:24:19,023 --> 00:24:20,157
Quit.
492
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:21,258
Move to Florida.
493
00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:22,960
You could work
at the car wash with me.
494
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,262
Wow, you make it
sound so tempting.
495
00:24:25,263 --> 00:24:27,130
How can I say no?
496
00:24:27,131 --> 00:24:30,267
Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a
fucking car wash in Florida.
497
00:24:30,268 --> 00:24:31,969
Like it's any worse
than this place.
498
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:34,037
Hurl the insults
all you want, buddy man.
499
00:24:34,038 --> 00:24:36,039
As soon as my uncle's
on his feet again,
500
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,075
it's not like I'm
gonna be staying here.
501
00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:40,043
- Hey, how's he doing?
- A lot better.
502
00:24:40,044 --> 00:24:42,145
It only took two years
and a shitload of chemo,
503
00:24:42,146 --> 00:24:44,581
but... his red cell count's
almost back to normal.
504
00:24:44,582 --> 00:24:45,782
That's great.
505
00:24:45,783 --> 00:24:47,284
Yeah, it's great for me, too.
506
00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:49,086
Couple of weeks
in this crap shack
507
00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:51,822
turned into a couple of
years a little too quickly.
508
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,323
But, Hicks, we can sit here
509
00:24:53,324 --> 00:24:55,459
making small talk
about your last day
510
00:24:55,460 --> 00:24:57,794
and what it is I'm going
to do once you're gone,
511
00:24:57,795 --> 00:25:02,566
or we can treat this
like any other workday.
512
00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:04,329
Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
513
00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:17,211
Randal.
514
00:25:17,815 --> 00:25:20,884
One ring to rule them all.
515
00:25:20,885 --> 00:25:24,888
And you wonder why no chick'll
let you stick your cock in her.
516
00:25:24,889 --> 00:25:27,057
I never wondered that.
517
00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:28,492
Yeah, 'cause you've accepted
the fact
518
00:25:28,493 --> 00:25:30,527
that you'll never get a chick
a long time ago.
519
00:25:30,528 --> 00:25:32,029
I could get a chick if I wanted.
520
00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:33,497
Who are you kidding?
521
00:25:33,498 --> 00:25:35,165
You can't get a chick, you mook.
522
00:25:35,166 --> 00:25:37,065
You're too weird and sad.
523
00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:43,206
I turn down chicks
left and right.
524
00:25:43,207 --> 00:25:46,699
Your chicks are
your "left" and "right."
525
00:25:47,478 --> 00:25:49,346
Yeah, right.
What do you know?
526
00:25:49,347 --> 00:25:51,314
Uh, I know
you're a huge fuckin' nerd
527
00:25:51,315 --> 00:25:54,151
of Potsie-like proportions,
and no chicks dig nerds,
528
00:25:54,152 --> 00:25:57,416
especially nerds that are
into Lord of the Rings.
529
00:25:58,489 --> 00:26:00,290
Chicks dig Lord of the Rings,
Randal.
530
00:26:00,291 --> 00:26:01,491
Yeah. The kind of chicks
531
00:26:01,492 --> 00:26:03,326
that are into swords
and elves and shit,
532
00:26:03,327 --> 00:26:05,695
and I wouldn't fuck them
with the Torch of Gondor.
533
00:26:05,696 --> 00:26:07,925
Oh, you're so gross!
534
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,533
Hey, man.
535
00:26:17,308 --> 00:26:19,609
Welcome to Mooby's.
May I take your order?
536
00:26:19,610 --> 00:26:20,744
Yeah, um...
537
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,045
let's see.
538
00:26:22,046 --> 00:26:25,148
Give me one Udderly
Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,
539
00:26:25,149 --> 00:26:28,777
Skinny Calf and an order
of onion rings. Thanks.
540
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:34,422
"One ring to rule them all."
541
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:37,127
"One ring to find them."
542
00:26:37,128 --> 00:26:38,428
Oh, Jesus.
543
00:26:38,429 --> 00:26:40,597
"One ring to bring them all."
544
00:26:40,598 --> 00:26:43,333
"And in the darkness bind them."
545
00:26:43,334 --> 00:26:44,901
Yes! Dude!
546
00:26:44,902 --> 00:26:46,269
How many times?
547
00:26:46,270 --> 00:26:47,571
Well, um, three
for Fellowship,
548
00:26:47,572 --> 00:26:48,572
two for Towers,
549
00:26:48,573 --> 00:26:50,707
four for Return.
550
00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:51,975
Five for Return.
551
00:26:51,976 --> 00:26:52,976
Dude!
552
00:26:52,977 --> 00:26:54,077
All right, look,
553
00:26:54,078 --> 00:26:56,146
there's only one Return, okay,
554
00:26:56,147 --> 00:26:58,949
and it ain't of the king...
it's of the Jedi.
555
00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:00,851
Oh, Star Wars geek.
556
00:27:00,852 --> 00:27:02,018
Oh, I'm the geek?
557
00:27:02,019 --> 00:27:04,154
Look at you two,
whipping out your preciouses.
558
00:27:04,155 --> 00:27:05,622
You'll have to excuse him.
559
00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:07,457
He's not "down"
with the trilogy.
560
00:27:07,458 --> 00:27:09,993
Oh, what the fuck happened
to this world?
561
00:27:09,994 --> 00:27:11,361
There's only one trilogy,
562
00:27:11,362 --> 00:27:13,130
you fucking morons.
563
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:14,664
You know what?
564
00:27:14,665 --> 00:27:16,466
Maybe we should start
calling your friend Padme,
565
00:27:16,467 --> 00:27:18,368
because he loves
Mannequin Skywalker
566
00:27:18,369 --> 00:27:19,703
so much, right?
567
00:27:19,704 --> 00:27:21,371
"Danger, danger.
568
00:27:21,372 --> 00:27:22,706
"My name is Anakin.
569
00:27:22,707 --> 00:27:25,809
My shitty acting
is ruining saga."
570
00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:28,145
Yeah.
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
571
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:29,412
Oh, I'm crazy?
572
00:27:29,413 --> 00:27:32,048
Those fucking hobbit movies
were boring as hell.
573
00:27:32,049 --> 00:27:34,384
All it was
was a bunch of people walking.
574
00:27:34,385 --> 00:27:37,320
Three movies of people walking
to a fuckin' volcano.
575
00:27:37,321 --> 00:27:39,413
Here's the first movie.
576
00:27:43,528 --> 00:27:46,656
And here's the second movie.
577
00:27:51,636 --> 00:27:53,737
He is way off. Loser.
578
00:27:53,738 --> 00:27:55,762
You ready for the third movie?
579
00:28:04,715 --> 00:28:07,217
Fuckin' A.
580
00:28:07,218 --> 00:28:09,452
Even the fuckin' trees walked
in those movies.
581
00:28:09,453 --> 00:28:10,487
You know what?
582
00:28:10,488 --> 00:28:11,688
I've had enough of you.
583
00:28:11,689 --> 00:28:14,958
Your simplistic analysis
of the trilogy aside,
584
00:28:14,959 --> 00:28:17,194
The Lord of the Rings
was a massive achievement that
585
00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:18,295
even the Academy recognized
586
00:28:18,296 --> 00:28:21,031
when they gave Peter Jackson
the Best Directing Oscar...
587
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,568
an award your little friend
George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never
588
00:28:24,569 --> 00:28:26,269
and will never win.
589
00:28:26,270 --> 00:28:27,604
Bones.
590
00:28:27,605 --> 00:28:28,805
Oh, sick burn.
591
00:28:28,806 --> 00:28:30,207
Let me tell you something.
592
00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:32,509
If Peter Jackson
really wanted to blow me away
593
00:28:32,510 --> 00:28:35,445
with those "Rings" movies,
he would've ended the third one
594
00:28:35,446 --> 00:28:36,947
on the logical closure point,
595
00:28:36,948 --> 00:28:39,382
not the 25 endings
that followed.
596
00:28:39,383 --> 00:28:40,884
What's the logical
closure point?
597
00:28:40,885 --> 00:28:42,085
Yeah, friend,
598
00:28:42,086 --> 00:28:43,453
enlighten us.
599
00:28:43,454 --> 00:28:46,323
When fucking Frito wakes up from
his little coma or whatever,
600
00:28:46,324 --> 00:28:49,092
and the little hobbits are
jumping up and down on his bed,
601
00:28:49,093 --> 00:28:50,594
and Sam leans in the doorway
602
00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:52,562
and gives him
that very fuckin' gay look.
603
00:28:52,563 --> 00:28:53,964
Not the Rings, Randal.
604
00:28:53,965 --> 00:28:55,498
Say what you will about Jesus,
605
00:28:55,499 --> 00:28:57,267
but leave the Rings out of this.
606
00:28:57,268 --> 00:28:59,703
I am gonna kick your ass
back to the Shire
607
00:28:59,704 --> 00:29:01,071
if you don't
shut your fuckin' mouth.
608
00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:03,540
That look was so gay,
I thought Sam was gonna tell
609
00:29:03,541 --> 00:29:05,175
the little hobbits
to take a walk
610
00:29:05,176 --> 00:29:06,810
so he could saunter
over to Frodo
611
00:29:06,811 --> 00:29:08,144
and suck his fuckin' cock.
612
00:29:08,145 --> 00:29:10,814
Now, that would've been
an Academy Award-worthy ending.
613
00:29:10,815 --> 00:29:14,484
Hey, faggot, they're not gay.
They're hobbits.
614
00:29:14,485 --> 00:29:17,087
And then right after
the Sam-Frodo suckfest,
615
00:29:17,088 --> 00:29:18,922
right before the credits roll,
616
00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:21,591
Sam fucking flat-out bricks
in Frodo's mouth.
617
00:29:21,592 --> 00:29:24,027
I swear...
618
00:29:24,028 --> 00:29:25,722
Fuck you!
619
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,066
I made fun of
Lord of the Rings so hard,
620
00:29:30,067 --> 00:29:32,469
it made some super-geek puke
all over the counter.
621
00:29:32,470 --> 00:29:34,037
Where do we keep
the mop and bucket
622
00:29:34,038 --> 00:29:35,472
so I can have
Elias clean it up?
623
00:29:35,473 --> 00:29:37,774
In the closet with the rest
of the cleaning products.
624
00:29:37,775 --> 00:29:41,711
We have cleaning products?
625
00:29:44,482 --> 00:29:46,716
Why does it smell so weird
in here?
626
00:29:46,717 --> 00:29:48,650
Buh-bye.
627
00:29:49,186 --> 00:29:51,677
I'm on to you.
628
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,026
You know he's not
gonna make it here long
629
00:29:56,027 --> 00:29:58,828
once you're not here to protect
him anymore, don't you?
630
00:29:58,829 --> 00:30:01,231
Well, you're the one out
there encouraging him,
631
00:30:01,232 --> 00:30:03,233
advocating ass to mouth.
632
00:30:03,234 --> 00:30:06,136
I wasn't advocating it,
you big prude.
633
00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:08,305
I just said it was fine
once in a while.
634
00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:10,307
Like you wouldn't do it
if Emma told you to.
635
00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:11,841
Christ, no!
636
00:30:11,842 --> 00:30:14,572
Oh, I thought love
knew no bounds.
637
00:30:15,279 --> 00:30:17,681
Ew. That came off
kind of catty, didn't it?
638
00:30:17,682 --> 00:30:19,649
A little daytime soapish, yeah.
639
00:30:19,650 --> 00:30:20,817
I'm sorry.
640
00:30:20,818 --> 00:30:22,519
I don't know why I said that.
641
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:24,254
I actually kind of like Emma.
642
00:30:24,255 --> 00:30:25,355
So do I.
643
00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:27,490
So that's why
you're getting married!
644
00:30:27,491 --> 00:30:29,459
I can't wait until
you get engaged,
645
00:30:29,460 --> 00:30:32,028
so I can bust your balls as
hard as you've busted mine.
646
00:30:32,029 --> 00:30:34,431
You're going to be waiting
a long time, sir.
647
00:30:34,432 --> 00:30:35,899
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
648
00:30:35,900 --> 00:30:38,134
You're the cold-hearted
ice princess
649
00:30:38,135 --> 00:30:40,103
that doesn't believe
in marriage.
650
00:30:40,104 --> 00:30:42,339
I'm not saying that
it's not all right for you,
651
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:43,540
but, yes, I do think
652
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:45,975
that marriage goes
against our primal nature.
653
00:30:45,976 --> 00:30:47,143
To be loved?
654
00:30:47,144 --> 00:30:49,779
To fuck as much as possible...
655
00:30:49,780 --> 00:30:53,550
spread the seed around
and keep the species going.
656
00:30:53,551 --> 00:30:55,685
And all that shit
they feed us in the movies
657
00:30:55,686 --> 00:30:57,354
and greeting cards
is just propaganda
658
00:30:57,355 --> 00:30:59,989
to get us to marry, have kids
and keep the economy going.
659
00:30:59,990 --> 00:31:02,525
Marriage is just
the keystone to economics.
660
00:31:02,526 --> 00:31:03,927
You're such a sappy girl.
661
00:31:03,928 --> 00:31:06,062
- Mm.
- Are you trying to tell me
662
00:31:06,063 --> 00:31:07,831
you don't believe in love,
Beckalah?
663
00:31:07,832 --> 00:31:09,165
In romantic love,
664
00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:10,467
no.
665
00:31:10,468 --> 00:31:12,635
Like, I love my parents.
666
00:31:12,636 --> 00:31:15,271
I love my car.
I love you.
667
00:31:15,272 --> 00:31:17,941
But romantic love,
hearts and flowers,
668
00:31:17,942 --> 00:31:20,777
"There's only one person
out there for me"?
669
00:31:20,778 --> 00:31:23,513
Come on, you know how many
people there are out there?
670
00:31:23,514 --> 00:31:24,948
Odds are there's always going
671
00:31:24,949 --> 00:31:26,983
to be someone who's
a better match for you
672
00:31:26,984 --> 00:31:28,718
than the person
you end up marrying.
673
00:31:28,719 --> 00:31:29,919
So based on your theory,
674
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,355
there's someone out there
better for me than Emma.
675
00:31:32,356 --> 00:31:35,225
Oh, no,
I'm not touching that one.
676
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:36,693
Wait a second.
677
00:31:36,694 --> 00:31:38,428
You don't think
I really love her?
678
00:31:38,429 --> 00:31:40,630
I think...
679
00:31:40,631 --> 00:31:42,832
you love what she represents.
680
00:31:42,833 --> 00:31:44,267
Which is?
681
00:31:44,268 --> 00:31:46,503
Come on, Dante, she was
the girl who wouldn't give you
682
00:31:46,504 --> 00:31:48,037
the time of day
back in high school.
683
00:31:48,038 --> 00:31:49,939
And years later,
after she's played the field
684
00:31:49,940 --> 00:31:52,709
and realized how unsatisfying
the so-called "hotties" are,
685
00:31:52,710 --> 00:31:54,911
she's finally gone
with someone who looks...
686
00:31:54,912 --> 00:31:56,212
Oh, my God,
687
00:31:56,213 --> 00:31:58,014
you're gonna say
"fugly," aren't you?
688
00:31:58,015 --> 00:31:59,115
Unconventional!
689
00:31:59,116 --> 00:32:00,383
Ah, nice backpedal.
690
00:32:00,384 --> 00:32:02,118
Thank you.
691
00:32:02,119 --> 00:32:03,820
It took her a few years
692
00:32:03,821 --> 00:32:05,155
to finally figure out
that thing
693
00:32:05,156 --> 00:32:07,257
that every mother tries
to teach their little girl
694
00:32:07,258 --> 00:32:08,625
but she has to learn on her own,
695
00:32:08,626 --> 00:32:10,994
and that's that guys
that look like you
696
00:32:10,995 --> 00:32:13,062
have a lot more to offer,
because you'll always
697
00:32:13,063 --> 00:32:14,631
try harder than the pretty boy.
698
00:32:14,632 --> 00:32:17,434
What am I, some hideous
fucking CHUD over here?
699
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:20,403
No, you're a catch... kind of.
700
00:32:20,404 --> 00:32:22,806
And Emma's a catch, too.
701
00:32:22,807 --> 00:32:24,841
'Cause not only
is she pretty, but...
702
00:32:24,842 --> 00:32:27,410
she'll make all your decisions
for you.
703
00:32:27,411 --> 00:32:30,280
Which is lucky,
because you're pretty terrible
704
00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:32,182
at making decisions.
705
00:32:32,183 --> 00:32:34,150
So my last day
is all about you telling me
706
00:32:34,151 --> 00:32:36,380
what an ugly,
indecisive loser I am?
707
00:32:37,054 --> 00:32:38,922
Come on, you worked
at Quick Stop
708
00:32:38,923 --> 00:32:40,523
for, like, a decade,
709
00:32:40,524 --> 00:32:43,827
and you've been here
for a year almost,
710
00:32:43,828 --> 00:32:46,396
and since day one at both jobs,
711
00:32:46,397 --> 00:32:48,131
all you've ever said
is how you needed
712
00:32:48,132 --> 00:32:49,566
to get out
and start your life.
713
00:32:49,567 --> 00:32:51,801
And it wasn't until Emma walked
through the door and was,
714
00:32:51,802 --> 00:32:53,436
like, "Come down
to Florida with me,
715
00:32:53,437 --> 00:32:54,804
"and I'll fuck your brains out,
716
00:32:54,805 --> 00:32:57,073
and my daddy will give you
a job, and blah-blah,"
717
00:32:57,074 --> 00:32:59,275
that you actually went
and did something about it.
718
00:32:59,276 --> 00:33:00,710
And I get it... it's...
719
00:33:00,711 --> 00:33:03,780
she's your golden ticket, dude.
720
00:33:03,781 --> 00:33:05,714
So, uh...
721
00:33:06,183 --> 00:33:08,150
...what's that make you?
722
00:33:10,221 --> 00:33:14,390
I'm just the girl who fucks
ugly, indecisive losers
723
00:33:14,391 --> 00:33:17,689
in the kitchen
once this place is closed.
724
00:33:18,362 --> 00:33:19,954
That's me.
725
00:33:25,202 --> 00:33:28,071
That's something for
the lovers out there.
726
00:33:28,072 --> 00:33:30,240
J-RAM Radio.
Right around high noon...
727
00:33:30,241 --> 00:33:34,040
So, we're never gonna talk
about it, are we?
728
00:33:35,145 --> 00:33:38,314
What is there to say?
729
00:33:38,315 --> 00:33:40,216
Do you regret it?
730
00:33:40,217 --> 00:33:41,985
Do you?
731
00:33:41,986 --> 00:33:44,988
I regret that it was
on the prep station table.
732
00:33:44,989 --> 00:33:46,789
Yeah, you regret it...
you weren't the one
733
00:33:46,790 --> 00:33:48,518
who got mayo in your cooch.
734
00:33:57,268 --> 00:33:59,869
What do you want me to say?
735
00:33:59,870 --> 00:34:01,905
We were drunk, you know?
736
00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:03,840
It just kind of happened.
737
00:34:03,841 --> 00:34:06,175
You're just lucky
738
00:34:06,176 --> 00:34:08,778
I'm not one of those monogamists
like your girlfriend.
739
00:34:08,779 --> 00:34:11,981
Otherwise, I might try
to make you stay in Jersey.
740
00:34:11,982 --> 00:34:14,712
If anyone could do it,
it'd be you.
741
00:34:24,028 --> 00:34:27,429
Dude, your old lady's out here
looking for you.
742
00:34:31,869 --> 00:34:33,563
Yeah.
743
00:34:38,309 --> 00:34:41,801
Come outside with me.
I've got a surprise for you.
744
00:34:52,189 --> 00:34:54,257
That's my surprise?
745
00:34:54,258 --> 00:34:56,282
No.
746
00:34:57,127 --> 00:35:00,892
Goodbye, horses...
747
00:35:06,904 --> 00:35:08,632
Hey.
748
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:11,140
Oh.
749
00:35:11,141 --> 00:35:13,242
So, um...
750
00:35:13,243 --> 00:35:15,878
are you looking for
a good Transformers site?
751
00:35:15,879 --> 00:35:18,948
Because at CarsToBots. Com,
752
00:35:18,949 --> 00:35:21,751
you can get an avatar
753
00:35:21,752 --> 00:35:25,955
that's your picture
morphed to look like a robot.
754
00:35:25,956 --> 00:35:27,457
Come on, man.
755
00:35:27,458 --> 00:35:29,225
You know I only surf
Transformers sites
756
00:35:29,226 --> 00:35:33,127
when there's girls around,
so they can see how cool I am.
757
00:35:34,832 --> 00:35:36,799
So what are you doing then?
758
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:40,269
Trying to secure a going away
present for Mr. Dante.
759
00:35:40,270 --> 00:35:41,404
Really?
760
00:35:41,405 --> 00:35:44,941
Well, how about
an Arwen sword replica?
761
00:35:44,942 --> 00:35:46,843
What?
762
00:35:46,844 --> 00:35:49,646
Uh...
763
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:52,682
'Cause it's, like,
thoughtful and practical.
764
00:35:52,683 --> 00:35:57,520
I was thinking of something
a little more sexy.
765
00:35:57,521 --> 00:36:01,658
Well, what's sexier than
an elf princess's sword?
766
00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:03,493
A donkey show.
767
00:36:03,494 --> 00:36:04,560
What's that?
768
00:36:04,561 --> 00:36:07,030
You ever see a chick
give a mule a blow job?
769
00:36:07,031 --> 00:36:08,798
Oh, no!
770
00:36:08,799 --> 00:36:10,900
Shh!
771
00:36:10,901 --> 00:36:12,301
Jesus!
772
00:36:12,302 --> 00:36:14,737
If you spoil this,
I'm gonna brain you.
773
00:36:14,738 --> 00:36:16,773
You gonna keep your mouth shut?
774
00:36:16,774 --> 00:36:18,508
Yes.
775
00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:19,509
God.
776
00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:21,744
That's bestiality, Randal.
777
00:36:21,745 --> 00:36:23,846
At its finest, I hope.
778
00:36:23,847 --> 00:36:25,848
Who'd want to see
something like that?
779
00:36:25,849 --> 00:36:28,351
Me, Dante, you.
780
00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:29,986
I don't want to see
something like that.
781
00:36:29,987 --> 00:36:31,888
Why would you want to see
something like that?
782
00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:33,489
Because it's fucked up.
783
00:36:33,490 --> 00:36:34,691
And I want to see
784
00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:37,293
if a chick with a mouthful
of donkey spunk swallows.
785
00:36:37,294 --> 00:36:38,695
All right, here we go.
786
00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:41,130
"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.
787
00:36:41,131 --> 00:36:43,666
"Straight from
their dirty debut in Tijuana,
788
00:36:43,667 --> 00:36:45,601
"Kelly's taking it on the road.
789
00:36:45,602 --> 00:36:48,104
Taking it in the ass, that is."
790
00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:51,307
You got to give it up for Oscar
Wilde-like wordplay that good.
791
00:36:51,308 --> 00:36:52,975
Do they show pictures?
792
00:36:52,976 --> 00:36:55,845
Only one of Kinky Kelly
sucking off Optimus Prime.
793
00:36:55,846 --> 00:36:56,846
Really?
794
00:36:56,847 --> 00:36:58,481
Ow.
795
00:36:58,482 --> 00:36:59,982
Let me borrow your cellphone.
796
00:36:59,983 --> 00:37:01,017
Whoa.
797
00:37:01,018 --> 00:37:02,952
Well, 'cause, I'm only
supposed to use it
798
00:37:02,953 --> 00:37:05,088
to call my parents
in case of an emergency.
799
00:37:05,089 --> 00:37:06,255
This is an emergency.
800
00:37:06,256 --> 00:37:08,124
We got to lock up
Kinky Kelly for tonight,
801
00:37:08,125 --> 00:37:11,060
so we can give Mr. Dante
a memorable send-off.
802
00:37:11,061 --> 00:37:13,896
You love Mr. Dante, don't you?
803
00:37:13,897 --> 00:37:15,198
In a non-gay way.
804
00:37:15,199 --> 00:37:16,632
Then give me your phone.
805
00:37:16,633 --> 00:37:18,768
'Cause Mr. Dante's never
seen a donkey show.
806
00:37:18,769 --> 00:37:21,304
And it'd be nice to give
him this before he goes off
807
00:37:21,305 --> 00:37:23,639
to Florida and gets married and
does all those other things
808
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:25,174
that prevent a guy
from ever seeing
809
00:37:25,175 --> 00:37:27,009
a fucked-up donkey
show in his lifetime.
810
00:37:27,010 --> 00:37:28,377
Hello.
811
00:37:28,378 --> 00:37:31,547
Uh, I was hoping to schedule
Kinky Kelly for a performance.
812
00:37:31,548 --> 00:37:33,449
Tonight.
813
00:37:33,450 --> 00:37:35,118
Okay.
814
00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:36,786
I'm on hold.
815
00:37:36,787 --> 00:37:39,856
Fingers crossed.
816
00:37:39,857 --> 00:37:43,292
We should probably
cross dicks, too.
817
00:37:43,293 --> 00:37:44,293
No.
818
00:37:44,294 --> 00:37:46,329
Work, work, work.
819
00:37:46,330 --> 00:37:48,097
That's all you ever
think about, Hicks.
820
00:37:48,098 --> 00:37:48,965
Hey, Becks.
821
00:37:48,966 --> 00:37:51,195
Hey, Emma.
822
00:37:52,202 --> 00:37:53,870
Great shirt.
823
00:37:53,871 --> 00:37:55,338
Isn't it?
I love it.
824
00:37:55,339 --> 00:37:57,673
What I love even more are these.
825
00:37:57,674 --> 00:37:58,708
These came in early,
826
00:37:58,709 --> 00:38:00,910
and I just had to come back
and show Dante.
827
00:38:00,911 --> 00:38:02,779
And give you yours, of course.
828
00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:05,214
And I have one
for Randal, I guess.
829
00:38:05,215 --> 00:38:06,983
What is it?
830
00:38:06,984 --> 00:38:08,417
Look, I know it's
three months away,
831
00:38:08,418 --> 00:38:11,287
but it would mean so much to us
if you could make the trip down.
832
00:38:11,288 --> 00:38:14,256
Well... yeah.
833
00:38:15,092 --> 00:38:16,592
Uh, I wouldn't miss it.
834
00:38:16,593 --> 00:38:18,895
I thought we were waiting
till we got down there
835
00:38:18,896 --> 00:38:20,229
before we picked a date.
836
00:38:20,230 --> 00:38:22,131
Oh, him is so cute.
837
00:38:22,132 --> 00:38:24,031
Him thinking again, huh?
838
00:38:24,868 --> 00:38:26,602
If we left anything
up to these jackals,
839
00:38:26,603 --> 00:38:28,798
nothing would ever
get done, would it?
840
00:38:29,606 --> 00:38:32,097
I'm just teasing.
841
00:38:36,246 --> 00:38:39,214
Guess you got to make their
decisions for 'em sometimes.
842
00:38:46,356 --> 00:38:47,456
All right, I've got it.
843
00:38:47,457 --> 00:38:48,524
I will see you then.
844
00:38:48,525 --> 00:38:50,092
Thank you.
845
00:38:50,093 --> 00:38:51,928
My friend, tonight,
846
00:38:51,929 --> 00:38:54,954
we bring a bit of TJ
to the Jersey 'burbs.
847
00:38:55,866 --> 00:38:57,466
Well, I don't know
about this, Randal.
848
00:38:57,467 --> 00:38:59,569
I mean, how do we know
this isn't a hoax?
849
00:38:59,570 --> 00:39:01,470
Like, were there any
pictures on the Web site?
850
00:39:01,471 --> 00:39:02,939
Strangely, no.
851
00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:05,541
But if you've seen pics of
one chick sucking off a donkey,
852
00:39:05,542 --> 00:39:07,743
you've seen them all.
853
00:39:07,744 --> 00:39:09,445
Well, what if you
haven't ever seen pics
854
00:39:09,446 --> 00:39:11,214
of anything like that?
855
00:39:11,215 --> 00:39:13,449
Well, then you must be
as blind as Anne Frank.
856
00:39:13,450 --> 00:39:15,685
'Cause what's the point in
having an Internet connection
857
00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:18,154
if you're not using it to look
at weird, fucked-up pictures
858
00:39:18,155 --> 00:39:20,646
of dirty sex
you'll never have yourself?
859
00:39:26,830 --> 00:39:30,499
Ho-ly shit.
860
00:39:30,500 --> 00:39:34,136
You know, I've never pieced
this together until right now.
861
00:39:34,137 --> 00:39:35,638
You're a virgin, aren't you?
862
00:39:35,639 --> 00:39:37,473
You know I have
a girlfriend, Randal.
863
00:39:37,474 --> 00:39:38,407
Oh, yeah.
864
00:39:38,408 --> 00:39:39,642
What's her name again?
865
00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:41,644
Myra Hodgkiss.
866
00:39:41,645 --> 00:39:43,446
You made her up, didn't you?
867
00:39:43,447 --> 00:39:45,181
That name sounds so made-up.
868
00:39:45,182 --> 00:39:47,683
No.
869
00:39:47,684 --> 00:39:50,052
Seriously, Elias, have you
and Myra had sex yet?
870
00:39:50,053 --> 00:39:52,455
Well, that's just
kind of personal, Randal.
871
00:39:52,456 --> 00:39:53,489
Come on!
872
00:39:53,490 --> 00:39:55,958
I tell you about
my sex life all the time.
873
00:39:55,959 --> 00:39:57,293
I let you smell my fingers
874
00:39:57,294 --> 00:39:58,995
after I fucked
Taton Weathers' kid sister
875
00:39:58,996 --> 00:40:00,663
in the office
that one time, didn't I?
876
00:40:00,664 --> 00:40:03,724
You kind of made me
smell your fingers.
877
00:40:04,534 --> 00:40:07,169
Maybe you just
don't like the pussy.
878
00:40:07,170 --> 00:40:09,005
Maybe you're all about the cock.
879
00:40:09,006 --> 00:40:11,274
No, no, I like the pussy.
880
00:40:11,275 --> 00:40:12,408
So come on.
881
00:40:12,409 --> 00:40:14,810
Did Myra ever give you a crack
at her crack or what?
882
00:40:14,811 --> 00:40:17,647
Well, not that it's any
of your business, Randal,
883
00:40:17,648 --> 00:40:18,848
but she can't.
884
00:40:18,849 --> 00:40:20,816
Why?
885
00:40:21,685 --> 00:40:24,053
Jesus, Elias, come on.
886
00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:26,055
You got to start
trusting me more.
887
00:40:26,056 --> 00:40:27,623
Because once Dante's gone,
888
00:40:27,624 --> 00:40:29,716
you're gonna be
my new best friend.
889
00:40:31,962 --> 00:40:33,162
No, I'm not.
890
00:40:33,163 --> 00:40:35,364
Who the fuck else
am I gonna hang out with?
891
00:40:35,365 --> 00:40:36,933
It's gonna be you and me, buddy.
892
00:40:36,934 --> 00:40:37,967
So come on.
893
00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:39,168
You got to start
trusting me more.
894
00:40:39,169 --> 00:40:41,864
Open up and tell me shit.
895
00:40:42,372 --> 00:40:45,602
Like why haven't you
fucked Myra yet?
896
00:40:48,378 --> 00:40:52,148
Well, we can't
because of Pillow Pants.
897
00:40:52,149 --> 00:40:54,216
What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
898
00:40:54,217 --> 00:40:58,813
Pillow Pants is a little troll
who lives in her pussy.
899
00:41:06,496 --> 00:41:10,232
Pillow Pants is her pussy troll.
900
00:41:10,233 --> 00:41:12,200
Duh.
901
00:41:13,704 --> 00:41:16,405
You know
how every girl's parents
902
00:41:16,406 --> 00:41:20,943
put a pussy troll in them
when the girls are young
903
00:41:20,944 --> 00:41:24,436
to keep them from having
premarital sex?
904
00:41:25,983 --> 00:41:27,383
Sure.
905
00:41:27,384 --> 00:41:30,786
Well, Myra's is named
Pillow Pants.
906
00:41:30,787 --> 00:41:35,524
And so, even though she totally
wants to have sex with me,
907
00:41:35,525 --> 00:41:40,296
Myra says if I put
my thing in her,
908
00:41:40,297 --> 00:41:42,992
Pillow Pants will bite it off.
909
00:41:44,434 --> 00:41:48,037
So I got to wait
until Pillow Pants
910
00:41:48,038 --> 00:41:51,974
gets peed out of her body
on her 21st birthday
911
00:41:51,975 --> 00:41:54,910
before we can have sex.
912
00:41:54,911 --> 00:41:57,546
And Myra told you this?
913
00:41:57,547 --> 00:41:58,647
Boyfriends and girlfriends
914
00:41:58,648 --> 00:42:01,250
talk to each other
about sex stuff, Randal.
915
00:42:01,251 --> 00:42:03,386
You'd know this
if you ever had a girlfriend.
916
00:42:03,387 --> 00:42:06,555
Have you and Myra
even kissed yet?
917
00:42:06,556 --> 00:42:10,457
We would have already,
if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
918
00:42:11,995 --> 00:42:14,563
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll,
isn't it?
919
00:42:14,564 --> 00:42:16,929
Women.
920
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,839
I'll be right back.
921
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:27,543
You are never gonna believe
what Elias just told me.
922
00:42:27,544 --> 00:42:29,102
Look who it is, Randal.
923
00:42:29,546 --> 00:42:31,614
Randal Graves.
924
00:42:31,615 --> 00:42:33,149
You work here, too?
925
00:42:33,150 --> 00:42:36,285
Jesus. Anyone else from
our graduating class back there?
926
00:42:36,286 --> 00:42:37,286
Well, well, well...
927
00:42:37,287 --> 00:42:39,455
Pickle Fucker.
928
00:42:39,456 --> 00:42:41,624
Man, look at you two
fun-ployees.
929
00:42:41,625 --> 00:42:42,958
Nothing's changed.
930
00:42:42,959 --> 00:42:44,994
You know, I'll bet
dollars to donuts,
931
00:42:44,995 --> 00:42:46,228
when you two aren't fighting
932
00:42:46,229 --> 00:42:49,031
about who shot first,
Han or Greedo,
933
00:42:49,032 --> 00:42:51,067
you can still muster up
enough energy
934
00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:53,335
to make fun of other people.
935
00:42:53,336 --> 00:42:55,604
Yeah. So hurry up and order
and get out of here,
936
00:42:55,605 --> 00:42:57,306
so we can make fun of you.
937
00:42:57,307 --> 00:42:59,175
Oh, I don't know
if you're in a position
938
00:42:59,176 --> 00:43:01,177
to make fun of anyone
anymore, Graves.
939
00:43:01,178 --> 00:43:03,946
32 and you're
flipping burgers?
940
00:43:03,947 --> 00:43:05,981
Before that, I'd heard
it was the Quick Stop
941
00:43:05,982 --> 00:43:08,084
for, what, like, ten years?
942
00:43:08,085 --> 00:43:11,782
We can't all be
Internet millionaires.
943
00:43:12,589 --> 00:43:13,823
Who's an Internet millionaire?
944
00:43:13,824 --> 00:43:15,691
Elias, this is Lance Dowds.
945
00:43:15,692 --> 00:43:17,059
We went to high school together.
946
00:43:17,060 --> 00:43:18,394
A few years ago,
947
00:43:18,395 --> 00:43:20,863
he built a search engine which
compiles the lowest prices
948
00:43:20,864 --> 00:43:23,466
of merchandise
you can buy online.
949
00:43:23,467 --> 00:43:25,935
You might have heard of it...
MadDucketts. Com.
950
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:28,237
Didn't that just sell to Amazon
for, like, 20 million bucks?
951
00:43:28,238 --> 00:43:29,772
Yeah, but back before
952
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,808
he was the Mad Ducketts guy,
he was just Pickle Fucker.
953
00:43:32,809 --> 00:43:34,210
You see, freshman year,
954
00:43:34,211 --> 00:43:36,312
the seniors would hunt us
down and put us through
955
00:43:36,313 --> 00:43:37,980
what they called initiations.
956
00:43:37,981 --> 00:43:39,315
They'd stuff us into lockers
957
00:43:39,316 --> 00:43:41,383
or throw us in the girls'
shower room naked.
958
00:43:41,384 --> 00:43:43,219
But Lance here
got the worst of it.
959
00:43:43,220 --> 00:43:45,287
The seniors yanked
down his pants,
960
00:43:45,288 --> 00:43:46,856
and shoved a pickle up his ass,
961
00:43:46,857 --> 00:43:48,224
and made him walk ten feet.
962
00:43:48,225 --> 00:43:51,260
The pickle fell out
before he hit the ten-foot mark.
963
00:43:51,261 --> 00:43:56,465
He had to take a bite of it,
reinsert it and walk again.
964
00:43:56,466 --> 00:43:57,867
Ew...
965
00:43:57,868 --> 00:44:00,102
Yeah, but don't worry...
he made it.
966
00:44:00,103 --> 00:44:02,338
His pickle was small enough
to stay wedged
967
00:44:02,339 --> 00:44:03,939
after only four bites.
968
00:44:03,940 --> 00:44:05,808
I'll bet you're the only guy
in the world
969
00:44:05,809 --> 00:44:07,543
who still remembers that,
Graves.
970
00:44:07,544 --> 00:44:10,312
Oh, I bet you still remember it
pretty vividly...
971
00:44:10,313 --> 00:44:11,313
Pickle Fucker.
972
00:44:11,314 --> 00:44:12,581
Do you have any interest
973
00:44:12,582 --> 00:44:14,850
in building
the ultimate fan site
974
00:44:14,851 --> 00:44:18,254
for both The Lord of the Rings
and The Transformers?
975
00:44:18,255 --> 00:44:20,780
Because I'd moderate it
for free.
976
00:44:21,158 --> 00:44:22,424
Ease up, Pillow Pants.
977
00:44:22,425 --> 00:44:25,161
The dude's not into
your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
978
00:44:25,162 --> 00:44:26,228
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
979
00:44:26,229 --> 00:44:27,229
Don't insult the guy.
980
00:44:27,230 --> 00:44:30,266
The GoBots are like
the Kmart of Transformers.
981
00:44:30,267 --> 00:44:33,327
Thank you!
982
00:44:33,670 --> 00:44:36,172
I keep telling them that.
983
00:44:36,173 --> 00:44:38,007
Here, here's my e-mail address.
984
00:44:38,008 --> 00:44:41,076
Drop me a line
with some of your ideas.
985
00:44:41,077 --> 00:44:42,566
Cool.
986
00:44:48,485 --> 00:44:50,586
Okay, let's see.
987
00:44:50,587 --> 00:44:52,721
What do I want?
988
00:44:52,722 --> 00:44:56,725
Uh... how about a Skinny Calf
with cheese and a Diet Coke?
989
00:44:56,726 --> 00:44:59,922
I'll get your order.
990
00:45:05,502 --> 00:45:07,026
Here you go.
991
00:45:07,671 --> 00:45:08,938
Well, that was fast.
992
00:45:08,939 --> 00:45:10,372
And fresh.
993
00:45:10,373 --> 00:45:12,408
Thanks. Come again.
994
00:45:12,409 --> 00:45:15,511
Yo, let's wrap this up
so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
995
00:45:15,512 --> 00:45:16,712
You know what?
996
00:45:16,713 --> 00:45:18,202
Take mine.
997
00:45:19,015 --> 00:45:21,483
Something tells me
I'm not gonna like it, am I?
998
00:45:22,619 --> 00:45:24,677
Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.
999
00:45:25,422 --> 00:45:27,756
Yo, so Pickle Fucker
gave us free eats!
1000
00:45:27,757 --> 00:45:29,825
You know,
I don't eat fast food.
1001
00:45:29,826 --> 00:45:31,193
It's not good for you.
1002
00:45:31,194 --> 00:45:35,130
But when I heard you guys
were actually working here,
1003
00:45:35,131 --> 00:45:37,333
well, I just had
to see it for myself.
1004
00:45:37,334 --> 00:45:40,169
It's kind of nice
having that kind of free time.
1005
00:45:40,170 --> 00:45:42,671
Just like it's
kind of comforting to know
1006
00:45:42,672 --> 00:45:46,335
that some things never change.
1007
00:45:48,545 --> 00:45:52,947
Take care, clerks.
1008
00:45:56,486 --> 00:45:58,817
Ooh, sick burn.
1009
00:46:01,124 --> 00:46:02,925
Fuck this.
1010
00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:04,159
Let me borrow your car.
1011
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:05,261
You're supposed to be working.
1012
00:46:05,262 --> 00:46:07,529
I got to get out of here
for a few minutes.
1013
00:46:07,530 --> 00:46:08,864
Let me borrow your car.
1014
00:46:08,865 --> 00:46:11,526
Elias, tell Becky
we'll be right back.
1015
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:18,430
Where we going?
1016
00:46:26,249 --> 00:46:30,419
You know, this tastes like
piss and flies, don't it?
1017
00:46:30,420 --> 00:46:32,554
Sure you want to do this?
1018
00:46:32,555 --> 00:46:33,656
Oh, yeah.
1019
00:46:33,657 --> 00:46:36,250
This will make me feel better.
1020
00:46:40,463 --> 00:46:44,733
Raindrops keep falling
on my head
1021
00:46:44,734 --> 00:46:50,139
And just like the guy who's
feet are too big for his bed
1022
00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:53,575
Nothing seems to fit,
those
1023
00:46:53,576 --> 00:46:56,412
Raindrops
are falling on my head
1024
00:46:56,413 --> 00:46:57,746
They keep falling
1025
00:46:57,747 --> 00:47:04,286
But there's one thing I know
1026
00:47:04,287 --> 00:47:07,990
The blues
they send to meet me
1027
00:47:07,991 --> 00:47:11,160
Won't defeat me
1028
00:47:11,161 --> 00:47:13,595
It won't be long
1029
00:47:13,596 --> 00:47:18,624
Till happiness
steps up to greet me
1030
00:47:22,105 --> 00:47:26,809
Raindrops keep falling
on my head
1031
00:47:26,810 --> 00:47:31,880
But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turning red
1032
00:47:31,881 --> 00:47:35,584
Crying's not for me,
'cause
1033
00:47:35,585 --> 00:47:39,955
I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complaining
1034
00:47:39,956 --> 00:47:44,927
Because I'm free
1035
00:47:44,928 --> 00:47:48,297
Nothing's worrying...
1036
00:47:48,298 --> 00:47:51,567
Me.
1037
00:47:51,568 --> 00:47:53,635
Here's what I don't
understand about you.
1038
00:47:53,636 --> 00:47:56,638
You have a license, you
can drive a grown-up car.
1039
00:47:56,639 --> 00:47:58,107
But when you ride the go-carts,
1040
00:47:58,108 --> 00:48:00,376
you somehow feel
better about yourself.
1041
00:48:00,377 --> 00:48:02,444
Look, it just centers me,
all right?
1042
00:48:02,445 --> 00:48:05,013
Kind of the way jerking off
at work centers you.
1043
00:48:05,014 --> 00:48:07,282
I only did it that one time.
1044
00:48:07,283 --> 00:48:08,650
And it wasn't to center me.
1045
00:48:08,651 --> 00:48:10,319
Yeah, it was to come.
1046
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:12,821
Well, I don't know about you,
but coming centers me.
1047
00:48:12,822 --> 00:48:14,323
Then why did we
have to leave work,
1048
00:48:14,324 --> 00:48:16,225
so we can ride the go-carts
to clear your head?
1049
00:48:16,226 --> 00:48:18,494
Well, I don't want to jerk off
in the Mooby's bathroom.
1050
00:48:18,495 --> 00:48:19,895
What if a customer comes in
1051
00:48:19,896 --> 00:48:23,031
and my jerking off gets him
all sex nuts and retard strong?
1052
00:48:23,032 --> 00:48:24,166
Suddenly, I'm fighting him off
1053
00:48:24,167 --> 00:48:26,235
as he tries to jam
my dick in his mouth.
1054
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:28,636
The most likeliest of scenarios.
1055
00:48:29,372 --> 00:48:32,908
Man, that shit Lance said
must have really bothered you.
1056
00:48:32,909 --> 00:48:33,976
Oh, fuck him.
1057
00:48:33,977 --> 00:48:35,944
He's an asshole.
He always was.
1058
00:48:36,579 --> 00:48:39,448
I'm sorry I let him bug me
even for a second.
1059
00:48:39,449 --> 00:48:42,144
At least I got a go-cart trip
out of it.
1060
00:48:43,686 --> 00:48:45,220
Why do the go-carts help?
1061
00:48:45,221 --> 00:48:46,822
I don't know.
1062
00:48:46,823 --> 00:48:49,525
They just remind me
of a better time in my life.
1063
00:48:49,526 --> 00:48:51,560
Like when?
1064
00:48:51,561 --> 00:48:54,696
Like when we were young and the
world was still in front of us.
1065
00:48:54,697 --> 00:48:56,265
We're not that old.
1066
00:48:56,266 --> 00:48:57,399
Yeah.
1067
00:48:57,400 --> 00:48:58,767
But sometimes I get the feeling
1068
00:48:58,768 --> 00:49:01,537
the world kind of left us behind
a long time ago.
1069
00:49:01,538 --> 00:49:02,538
You know...
1070
00:49:02,539 --> 00:49:05,073
you can do something about that.
1071
00:49:05,074 --> 00:49:08,410
I told you, I don't want to jerk
off in the bathroom at work.
1072
00:49:08,411 --> 00:49:11,313
No, I mean you can
get out of Mooby's, too,
1073
00:49:11,314 --> 00:49:13,382
completely change
your situation in life.
1074
00:49:13,383 --> 00:49:17,219
What'd be the point? Besides,
why do you give a shit?
1075
00:49:17,220 --> 00:49:18,744
You're leaving.
1076
00:49:31,367 --> 00:49:32,801
Thanks, you guys, thanks.
1077
00:49:32,802 --> 00:49:33,802
Come on!
1078
00:49:33,803 --> 00:49:35,337
Oh, I'm sorry.
1079
00:49:35,338 --> 00:49:36,538
Was that a number two
you wanted?
1080
00:49:36,539 --> 00:49:38,106
Yeah, and bovine-size it.
1081
00:49:38,107 --> 00:49:39,107
$13.84.
1082
00:49:39,108 --> 00:49:41,210
I need two Surlies
and a Cow Tipper.
1083
00:49:41,211 --> 00:49:42,211
I'm on it.
1084
00:49:42,212 --> 00:49:43,212
How we set for fries?
1085
00:49:43,213 --> 00:49:44,713
I don't think
these look right.
1086
00:49:44,714 --> 00:49:48,417
Jesus! Step away from the fryer
before you burn us all alive.
1087
00:49:48,418 --> 00:49:50,652
It's not my fault
you abandoned your post!
1088
00:49:50,653 --> 00:49:52,721
Was it too much to ask
that you handle the fries?
1089
00:49:52,722 --> 00:49:54,223
The machine does all the work.
1090
00:49:54,224 --> 00:49:55,891
What's a machine
got to transform
1091
00:49:55,892 --> 00:49:59,027
into some giant fucking robot
before you'll take it seriously?
1092
00:49:59,028 --> 00:50:00,162
Go home.
1093
00:50:00,163 --> 00:50:01,830
Will you just make
some fries already?
1094
00:50:01,831 --> 00:50:03,365
Look, I don't have all night.
1095
00:50:03,366 --> 00:50:04,366
I'm sorry, ma'am.
1096
00:50:04,367 --> 00:50:06,134
They need to get
some Mexicans working in here.
1097
00:50:06,135 --> 00:50:07,135
They'd be...
1098
00:50:07,136 --> 00:50:08,136
They don't play around.
1099
00:50:08,137 --> 00:50:11,440
I know it.
Mexican made me lose my job.
1100
00:50:11,441 --> 00:50:13,742
That motherfucker
put a roof up in 30 seconds.
1101
00:50:13,743 --> 00:50:15,077
Where the fuck did you guys go?
1102
00:50:15,078 --> 00:50:16,278
You don't want to know.
1103
00:50:16,279 --> 00:50:17,379
Well, I know it's
your last day and all,
1104
00:50:17,380 --> 00:50:18,580
but while you're
still on the clock,
1105
00:50:18,581 --> 00:50:20,382
can't you kind of pretend
like you still give a shit?
1106
00:50:20,383 --> 00:50:21,416
Don't blame this guy.
1107
00:50:21,417 --> 00:50:23,552
Some cock stain that we went
to high school with
1108
00:50:23,553 --> 00:50:25,487
showed up to remind us
that we're fucking failures,
1109
00:50:25,488 --> 00:50:27,122
so I wanted to get out of here
1110
00:50:27,123 --> 00:50:28,991
and blow off some steam,
if you must know.
1111
00:50:28,992 --> 00:50:30,926
Did he say "cock stain"?
1112
00:50:30,927 --> 00:50:32,928
What the fuck is cock stain?
1113
00:50:32,929 --> 00:50:34,796
I don't know... that's
some white freaky stuff.
1114
00:50:34,797 --> 00:50:37,466
White boys get the white women
to do everything.
1115
00:50:37,467 --> 00:50:38,867
You want to do a cock stain?
1116
00:50:38,868 --> 00:50:40,969
Do you know how often
I've had people come in here
1117
00:50:40,970 --> 00:50:42,204
that I went to school with?
1118
00:50:42,205 --> 00:50:44,339
Fuck, I had to take
a fucking order off of a guy
1119
00:50:44,340 --> 00:50:45,541
I blew after junior prom once.
1120
00:50:45,542 --> 00:50:47,476
Yeah, I've waited on
your brother, too... h'noop!
1121
00:50:47,477 --> 00:50:48,610
I can't believe you.
1122
00:50:48,611 --> 00:50:50,112
The smartest of smart asses
got rattled
1123
00:50:50,113 --> 00:50:51,613
by some fucking loser
coming in here
1124
00:50:51,614 --> 00:50:53,115
giving you shit
about your McJob.
1125
00:50:53,116 --> 00:50:54,449
Oh, fuck him, okay?
1126
00:50:54,450 --> 00:50:56,652
Sooner or later,
I'll do something with myself
1127
00:50:56,653 --> 00:50:57,953
and make my mark.
1128
00:50:57,954 --> 00:51:01,223
But until then, whatever I do
is not a waste of time,
1129
00:51:01,224 --> 00:51:02,758
it's all building
toward something.
1130
00:51:02,759 --> 00:51:05,460
How about you build towards
making some fuckin' fries?
1131
00:51:05,461 --> 00:51:06,495
They're coming!
1132
00:51:06,496 --> 00:51:08,530
Remember, you saved.
1133
00:51:08,531 --> 00:51:09,765
You don't use
that kind of language.
1134
00:51:09,766 --> 00:51:11,400
Ain't nobody
from my church in here.
1135
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:12,868
I don't mind people snickering
1136
00:51:12,869 --> 00:51:14,670
at the stupid uniform
I've got to wear.
1137
00:51:14,671 --> 00:51:16,305
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let
1138
00:51:16,306 --> 00:51:18,707
some self-righteous,
lucky turd come in here
1139
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:20,042
and treat me and Dante
1140
00:51:20,043 --> 00:51:22,077
like we're a couple
of fucking porch monkeys.
1141
00:51:22,078 --> 00:51:23,478
Randal!
1142
00:51:23,479 --> 00:51:24,746
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...
1143
00:51:24,747 --> 00:51:28,216
He didn't really just say
what I think he said.
1144
00:51:28,217 --> 00:51:30,052
- What? Porch monkeys?
- Randal!
1145
00:51:30,053 --> 00:51:31,587
What the fuck
is wrong with you?!
1146
00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:33,522
I want my money back right now.
1147
00:51:33,523 --> 00:51:34,756
Of course.
Um, you know what?
1148
00:51:34,757 --> 00:51:36,124
Here, take this on us.
1149
00:51:36,125 --> 00:51:37,392
Oh, no, no, no.
1150
00:51:37,393 --> 00:51:38,493
I'm not eating something that
1151
00:51:38,494 --> 00:51:40,662
was cooked by some
cracker-ass hate-monger.
1152
00:51:40,663 --> 00:51:41,730
I will.
1153
00:51:41,731 --> 00:51:43,231
Baby, you can't taste racism.
1154
00:51:43,232 --> 00:51:45,167
What racism? Porch monkeys?!
1155
00:51:45,168 --> 00:51:47,069
- You little mother...
- Calm down, champ.
1156
00:51:47,070 --> 00:51:48,070
It ain't worth it.
1157
00:51:48,071 --> 00:51:49,137
You're lucky my husband doesn't
1158
00:51:49,138 --> 00:51:51,506
jump across this counter
and knock your teeth in.
1159
00:51:51,507 --> 00:51:53,842
- Why?
- Yeah, baby, why?
1160
00:51:53,843 --> 00:51:55,410
I mean, ain't like
he called us porch monkeys.
1161
00:51:55,411 --> 00:51:56,478
Hey, hey!
1162
00:51:56,479 --> 00:51:57,346
Baby, stop hitting on me!
1163
00:51:57,347 --> 00:51:58,580
See, the judge told you
about that.
1164
00:51:58,581 --> 00:52:00,115
You got to stop
putting your hands on people.
1165
00:52:00,116 --> 00:52:01,683
Here, take this.
This is your money.
1166
00:52:01,684 --> 00:52:02,985
Please, take the food on us.
1167
00:52:02,986 --> 00:52:03,986
- We're sorry.
- Oh, uh-uh.
1168
00:52:03,987 --> 00:52:05,087
I'm gonna write
to the paper about this,
1169
00:52:05,088 --> 00:52:06,622
and all y'all getting
fired up in here.
1170
00:52:06,623 --> 00:52:07,756
Jesus!
1171
00:52:07,757 --> 00:52:09,024
I'm gonna take the food.
1172
00:52:09,025 --> 00:52:12,358
Thank you very much.
1173
00:52:14,263 --> 00:52:15,597
Damn!
1174
00:52:15,598 --> 00:52:16,598
Fuckin' porch monkey...
1175
00:52:16,599 --> 00:52:18,266
Thanks. Come again.
1176
00:52:18,267 --> 00:52:20,102
Don't leave me, baby!
1177
00:52:20,103 --> 00:52:21,870
Are you out of
your fucking mind?!
1178
00:52:21,871 --> 00:52:23,238
What?! What's the big deal?
1179
00:52:23,239 --> 00:52:25,741
Since when is it a crime
to say "porch monkey"?
1180
00:52:25,742 --> 00:52:27,609
Oh, I don't know...
since forever!
1181
00:52:27,610 --> 00:52:29,177
- Why?
- Because "porch monkey"
1182
00:52:29,178 --> 00:52:31,046
is a racial slur
against black people.
1183
00:52:31,047 --> 00:52:33,181
No, it's not. "Nigger" is.
1184
00:52:33,182 --> 00:52:34,249
Randal!
1185
00:52:34,250 --> 00:52:36,618
Did Randal just call
Mr. Dante a nigger?
1186
00:52:36,619 --> 00:52:37,953
Shut up, Elias!
1187
00:52:37,954 --> 00:52:40,255
I didn't just call
Dante a nigger.
1188
00:52:40,256 --> 00:52:42,624
I just said that "nigger"
is a racial slur.
1189
00:52:42,625 --> 00:52:43,959
So is "porch monkey"!
1190
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,427
Oh, it is not.
1191
00:52:45,428 --> 00:52:49,164
Coon, spook, spade,
moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...
1192
00:52:49,165 --> 00:52:50,265
those are racial slurs.
1193
00:52:50,266 --> 00:52:51,533
"Porch monkey" is not.
1194
00:52:51,534 --> 00:52:53,368
I am going to pretend
like this conversation
1195
00:52:53,369 --> 00:52:54,870
didn't happen.
1196
00:52:54,871 --> 00:52:56,271
Elias, go pick up
that fucking mess,
1197
00:52:56,272 --> 00:52:58,364
and you are this close
to getting shit-canned!
1198
00:52:59,208 --> 00:53:01,733
Fuckin' shoot me now.
1199
00:53:03,046 --> 00:53:04,279
What are you doing?!
1200
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:05,681
Are you trying to get fired?
1201
00:53:05,682 --> 00:53:08,917
Since when did "porch monkey"
suddenly become a racial slur?
1202
00:53:08,918 --> 00:53:11,453
When ignorant racists started
saying it 100 years ago.
1203
00:53:11,454 --> 00:53:12,688
Oh, bullshit.
1204
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:15,223
My grandmother used to call me
a porch monkey all the time
1205
00:53:15,224 --> 00:53:17,225
when I was a kid,
because I'd sit on the porch
1206
00:53:17,226 --> 00:53:18,326
and stare at my neighbors.
1207
00:53:18,327 --> 00:53:19,327
Despite the fact
1208
00:53:19,328 --> 00:53:21,063
that your grandmother
might have used it
1209
00:53:21,064 --> 00:53:22,497
as a term
of endearment for you,
1210
00:53:22,498 --> 00:53:24,066
it's still a racial slur.
1211
00:53:24,067 --> 00:53:26,535
It'd be like your grandmother
calling you a little kike.
1212
00:53:26,536 --> 00:53:27,569
Oh, it is not.
1213
00:53:27,570 --> 00:53:28,737
Plus, my grandmother had
1214
00:53:28,738 --> 00:53:31,506
nothing but the utmost respect
for the Jewish community.
1215
00:53:31,507 --> 00:53:33,241
When I was a kid,
she told me to always treat
1216
00:53:33,242 --> 00:53:36,211
the Jewish kids well, or they'd
put the sheeny curse on me.
1217
00:53:36,212 --> 00:53:37,913
What the fuck, man?!
1218
00:53:37,914 --> 00:53:38,714
What?!
1219
00:53:38,715 --> 00:53:40,415
"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!
1220
00:53:40,416 --> 00:53:41,483
Oh, it is not.
1221
00:53:41,484 --> 00:53:42,751
Yes, it is!
1222
00:53:42,752 --> 00:53:44,586
Well, she never called
any Jews sheeny.
1223
00:53:44,587 --> 00:53:46,354
She just used to say
"sheeny curse" a lot.
1224
00:53:46,355 --> 00:53:47,355
It was cute.
1225
00:53:47,356 --> 00:53:49,458
It wasn't cute! It was racist!
1226
00:53:49,459 --> 00:53:50,592
I disagree, man.
1227
00:53:50,593 --> 00:53:51,760
She was just an old-timer.
1228
00:53:51,761 --> 00:53:53,595
That's the way people talked
back then.
1229
00:53:53,596 --> 00:53:56,431
Didn't mean they were racists.
1230
00:53:56,432 --> 00:53:59,601
But my grandmother did refer
to a broken beer bottle once
1231
00:53:59,602 --> 00:54:01,399
as a nigger knife.
1232
00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,939
You know, come to think of it,
1233
00:54:03,940 --> 00:54:05,807
my grandmother was
kind of a racist.
1234
00:54:05,808 --> 00:54:07,042
You think?!
1235
00:54:07,043 --> 00:54:08,610
Well, I still don't think
1236
00:54:08,611 --> 00:54:10,946
"porch monkey" should be
considered a racial term.
1237
00:54:10,947 --> 00:54:13,215
I mean, I've always used it
to describe lazy people,
1238
00:54:13,216 --> 00:54:14,483
not lazy black people.
1239
00:54:14,484 --> 00:54:15,817
I think if we really tried,
1240
00:54:15,818 --> 00:54:18,086
we could reclaim "porch monkey"
and save it.
1241
00:54:18,087 --> 00:54:19,387
It can't be saved, Randal.
1242
00:54:19,388 --> 00:54:21,056
The sole purpose
for its creation,
1243
00:54:21,057 --> 00:54:22,924
the only reason it exists
in the first place,
1244
00:54:22,925 --> 00:54:24,893
is to disparage an entire race.
1245
00:54:24,894 --> 00:54:26,228
And even if it could be saved,
1246
00:54:26,229 --> 00:54:28,363
you can't save it,
because you're not black!
1247
00:54:28,364 --> 00:54:29,898
Well, listen to you.
1248
00:54:29,899 --> 00:54:33,101
Telling me I can't do something
because of the color of my skin?
1249
00:54:33,102 --> 00:54:34,967
You're the racist.
1250
00:54:36,906 --> 00:54:39,874
I'm taking it back. You watch.
1251
00:54:41,410 --> 00:54:42,911
Hey.
1252
00:54:42,912 --> 00:54:45,747
What can I get for you,
you little porch monkey?
1253
00:54:45,748 --> 00:54:48,682
It's cool.
I'm taking it back.
1254
00:55:28,257 --> 00:55:29,558
Hey.
1255
00:55:29,559 --> 00:55:30,592
Hey.
1256
00:55:30,593 --> 00:55:33,823
So, are you scared
about getting married at all?
1257
00:55:36,766 --> 00:55:37,799
Um...
1258
00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:40,435
were we in the middle
of a conversation
1259
00:55:40,436 --> 00:55:41,636
I don't remember leaving?
1260
00:55:41,637 --> 00:55:45,106
I was just thinking about it,
and I was thinking
1261
00:55:45,107 --> 00:55:47,609
that maybe you were waiting
for some friend
1262
00:55:47,610 --> 00:55:48,643
to try and stop you
1263
00:55:48,644 --> 00:55:50,078
from going through
with the wedding
1264
00:55:50,079 --> 00:55:52,814
by asking if you're even ready
to go and get married.
1265
00:55:52,815 --> 00:55:54,816
So I'm asking.
1266
00:55:54,817 --> 00:55:56,618
Are you scared
about getting married?
1267
00:55:56,619 --> 00:55:58,486
Well, kind of.
1268
00:55:58,487 --> 00:56:00,856
I mean, I'm not scared
of getting married, you know...
1269
00:56:00,857 --> 00:56:03,325
I always wanted
to get married one day...
1270
00:56:03,326 --> 00:56:05,794
but I am scared
of the wedding.
1271
00:56:05,795 --> 00:56:08,286
Why?
1272
00:56:09,498 --> 00:56:12,228
I don't know how to dance.
1273
00:56:13,436 --> 00:56:14,703
You're kidding.
1274
00:56:14,704 --> 00:56:16,037
I wish I was.
1275
00:56:16,038 --> 00:56:18,139
You're about to tie
your life to someone,
1276
00:56:18,140 --> 00:56:19,274
someone who doesn't
even really get you
1277
00:56:19,275 --> 00:56:20,375
as well as your friends do,
1278
00:56:20,376 --> 00:56:23,645
and what you're sweating
is dancing at your reception?
1279
00:56:23,646 --> 00:56:25,814
Well, I figure
she'll eventually get me.
1280
00:56:25,815 --> 00:56:27,649
I mean, you're married
to someone long enough,
1281
00:56:27,650 --> 00:56:29,117
they got to get you
eventually, right?
1282
00:56:29,118 --> 00:56:30,118
Are you kidding?
1283
00:56:30,119 --> 00:56:33,154
My parents have been married
for 35 years,
1284
00:56:33,155 --> 00:56:34,823
and they still don't get
each other.
1285
00:56:34,824 --> 00:56:38,994
Emma's pretty,
smart, happy, a good person...
1286
00:56:38,995 --> 00:56:41,496
and for some strange reason,
she loves me.
1287
00:56:41,497 --> 00:56:42,497
I mean, what am
I supposed to do,
1288
00:56:42,498 --> 00:56:43,665
pass up on that because I have
1289
00:56:43,666 --> 00:56:45,200
a few stupid doubts
and some jitters?
1290
00:56:45,201 --> 00:56:48,136
Besides, dancing
at the reception's
1291
00:56:48,137 --> 00:56:49,170
the more imperative concern
at this point,
1292
00:56:49,171 --> 00:56:50,338
because I only get,
1293
00:56:50,339 --> 00:56:53,740
well, presumably, one chance
to dance at my wedding.
1294
00:56:56,012 --> 00:56:57,712
So, what, you can't slow dance?
1295
00:56:57,713 --> 00:57:00,315
No. Anybody can slow dance,
1296
00:57:00,316 --> 00:57:02,717
but this is one of the only
times I've ever gonna meet
1297
00:57:02,718 --> 00:57:04,719
most of Emma's extended family,
1298
00:57:04,720 --> 00:57:06,554
and I'd like to be able
to show some flair
1299
00:57:06,555 --> 00:57:08,023
on the dance floor, you know?
1300
00:57:08,024 --> 00:57:10,992
Like, make an impression
so that maybe they'll see
1301
00:57:10,993 --> 00:57:12,560
whatever it is
that Emma sees in me
1302
00:57:12,561 --> 00:57:15,664
instead of all feeling like
I'm some burger-peddling loser
1303
00:57:15,665 --> 00:57:17,462
who couldn't even bust a move.
1304
00:57:18,968 --> 00:57:20,802
What?
1305
00:57:20,803 --> 00:57:23,464
You're serious?
1306
00:57:28,978 --> 00:57:30,502
Come on.
1307
00:57:33,482 --> 00:57:36,143
Hey, 12-step!
1308
00:57:37,486 --> 00:57:39,851
Jay!
1309
00:57:41,457 --> 00:57:43,425
Lord?
1310
00:57:43,426 --> 00:57:45,518
Up here, jackass.
1311
00:57:46,929 --> 00:57:49,731
What the fuck are you doing
up there?!
1312
00:57:49,732 --> 00:57:50,832
Yo, if you're gonna jump,
1313
00:57:50,833 --> 00:57:52,734
let me get a crack
at that pussy first.
1314
00:57:52,735 --> 00:57:54,169
Let me find out.
1315
00:57:54,170 --> 00:57:56,900
You still got your boom box?
1316
00:57:59,442 --> 00:58:01,910
Play something,
and turn it way up.
1317
00:58:02,411 --> 00:58:06,142
Something danceable.
1318
00:58:07,750 --> 00:58:10,912
Up here?
1319
00:58:11,420 --> 00:58:13,254
Are you serious?
1320
00:58:13,255 --> 00:58:15,357
You're gonna teach me
to dance up here?
1321
00:58:15,358 --> 00:58:18,026
What? You want I should do it
in front of all the customers?
1322
00:58:18,027 --> 00:58:19,027
What customers?
1323
00:58:19,028 --> 00:58:20,996
Shut up.
Come over here.
1324
00:58:20,997 --> 00:58:23,898
Okay, get ready for the music.
1325
00:58:23,899 --> 00:58:27,630
You feel it... here.
1326
00:58:28,137 --> 00:58:30,872
Here it comes.
1327
00:58:30,873 --> 00:58:34,309
Grandma, what was it like
1328
00:58:34,310 --> 00:58:39,014
To be on the holiday site?
1329
00:58:39,015 --> 00:58:41,649
Something a little
less demonic, please!
1330
00:58:41,650 --> 00:58:44,486
But with them by my side
in the twilight...
1331
00:58:44,487 --> 00:58:46,477
Thank you.
1332
00:58:55,431 --> 00:58:57,065
Yes! Okay, okay, um,
just-just follow
1333
00:58:57,066 --> 00:58:58,233
whatever it is I'm doing, okay?
1334
00:58:58,234 --> 00:58:59,234
- Step forward...
- All right.
1335
00:58:59,235 --> 00:59:00,402
- You went to school...
- Step back.
1336
00:59:00,403 --> 00:59:01,403
To your right.
1337
00:59:01,404 --> 00:59:02,904
Things you never,
never knew before...
1338
00:59:02,905 --> 00:59:04,205
To your left.
1339
00:59:04,206 --> 00:59:05,206
Turn to the right.
1340
00:59:05,207 --> 00:59:06,541
Like "l" before "E"
except after "C"
1341
00:59:06,542 --> 00:59:08,109
And why two plus two
makes four
1342
00:59:08,110 --> 00:59:10,245
Now, now, now,
I'm gonna teach you
1343
00:59:10,246 --> 00:59:11,579
Teach you, teach you
1344
00:59:11,580 --> 00:59:12,747
All about love, girl
1345
00:59:12,748 --> 00:59:14,015
All about love
1346
00:59:14,016 --> 00:59:15,183
Sit yourself down...
1347
00:59:15,184 --> 00:59:16,851
Okay, you really do suck.
Sit down.
1348
00:59:16,852 --> 00:59:18,186
Told you.
1349
00:59:18,187 --> 00:59:19,187
Just watch me, all right?
1350
00:59:19,188 --> 00:59:21,256
A, B, C
1351
00:59:21,257 --> 00:59:23,358
Easy as one, two, three
1352
00:59:23,359 --> 00:59:25,527
As simple as do, re, mi
1353
00:59:25,528 --> 00:59:27,862
A, B, C, one, two, three
1354
00:59:27,863 --> 00:59:29,597
Baby, you and me, girl
1355
00:59:29,598 --> 00:59:31,199
A, B, C
1356
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:33,435
Easy as one, two, three
1357
00:59:33,436 --> 00:59:35,703
As simple as do, re, mi
1358
00:59:35,704 --> 00:59:38,206
A, B, C, one, two, three
1359
00:59:38,207 --> 00:59:41,509
Baby, you and me, girl
1360
00:59:41,510 --> 00:59:44,212
Come on and love me
just a little bit
1361
00:59:44,213 --> 00:59:46,848
I'm gonna teach you
how to sing it out
1362
00:59:46,849 --> 00:59:47,849
Come on, come on, come on
1363
00:59:47,850 --> 00:59:49,484
Let me show you
what it's all about
1364
00:59:49,485 --> 00:59:51,553
Reading, writing, arithmetic
1365
00:59:51,554 --> 00:59:53,822
Are the branches
of the learning tree
1366
00:59:53,823 --> 00:59:56,925
But without the roots
of love every day, girl
1367
00:59:56,926 --> 00:59:58,927
Your education
ain't complete
1368
00:59:58,928 --> 01:00:00,929
Tea-Tea-Tea-Teacher's
gonna show you
1369
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:02,097
She's gonna show you
1370
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:03,698
How to get an "A"
1371
01:00:03,699 --> 01:00:05,100
Na-na-na-na-na-na
1372
01:00:05,101 --> 01:00:07,402
How to spell "me," "you,"
add the two
1373
01:00:07,403 --> 01:00:09,771
Listen to me, baby,
that's all you got to do
1374
01:00:09,772 --> 01:00:11,606
Oh, A, B, C
1375
01:00:11,607 --> 01:00:13,641
It's easy as one, two, three
1376
01:00:13,642 --> 01:00:16,444
As simple as do, re, mi
1377
01:00:16,445 --> 01:00:18,880
A, B, C, one, two, three
1378
01:00:18,881 --> 01:00:20,014
Baby, you and me, girl
1379
01:00:20,015 --> 01:00:22,217
A, B, C, it's easy
1380
01:00:22,218 --> 01:00:24,886
It's like counting
up to three
1381
01:00:24,887 --> 01:00:28,223
Singing simple melodies
1382
01:00:28,224 --> 01:00:30,358
That's how easy love can be
1383
01:00:30,359 --> 01:00:33,128
That's how easy
love can be
1384
01:00:33,129 --> 01:00:35,630
Singing simple melodies
1385
01:00:35,631 --> 01:00:40,135
One, two, three, you and me!
1386
01:00:40,136 --> 01:00:42,627
Yeah!
1387
01:00:43,439 --> 01:00:45,273
Sit down, girl
1388
01:00:45,274 --> 01:00:47,942
I think I love you
1389
01:00:47,943 --> 01:00:50,945
No, get up, girl
1390
01:00:50,946 --> 01:00:52,780
Show me what you can do
1391
01:00:52,781 --> 01:00:54,449
Shake it, shake it, baby
1392
01:00:54,450 --> 01:00:55,450
Come on, now
1393
01:00:55,451 --> 01:00:57,118
Shake it, shake it, baby
1394
01:00:57,119 --> 01:01:00,121
Ooh, ooh, shake it,
shake it, baby, yeah
1395
01:01:00,122 --> 01:01:02,123
One, two, three, baby
1396
01:01:02,124 --> 01:01:04,626
Ooh, ooh, A, B, C, baby
1397
01:01:04,627 --> 01:01:07,128
Na, na, do, re, mi, baby
1398
01:01:07,129 --> 01:01:10,265
Now that's how easy
love can be
1399
01:01:10,266 --> 01:01:12,400
Whoo!
- A, B, C, it's easy
1400
01:01:12,401 --> 01:01:14,736
It's like counting
up to three
1401
01:01:14,737 --> 01:01:17,839
Singing simple melodies
1402
01:01:17,840 --> 01:01:20,508
That's how easy love can be
1403
01:01:20,509 --> 01:01:22,443
Teacher's gonna teach you
how to sing it out
1404
01:01:22,444 --> 01:01:23,444
Come on, come on, come on
1405
01:01:23,445 --> 01:01:25,280
Let me show you
what it's all about
1406
01:01:25,281 --> 01:01:26,915
A, B, C, it's easy
1407
01:01:26,916 --> 01:01:28,449
It's like counting
up to three...
1408
01:01:28,450 --> 01:01:29,450
I love you, Becky.
1409
01:01:29,451 --> 01:01:30,952
Singing simple melodies...
1410
01:01:30,953 --> 01:01:32,420
I'm pregnant, Dante.
1411
01:01:32,421 --> 01:01:33,683
That's how easy...
1412
01:01:35,658 --> 01:01:37,147
Oh!
1413
01:01:52,808 --> 01:01:54,742
I'm having second thoughts.
1414
01:01:54,743 --> 01:01:57,779
About your sexuality?
1415
01:01:57,780 --> 01:01:59,713
About going to Florida.
1416
01:02:02,518 --> 01:02:03,685
Yeah, right.
1417
01:02:03,686 --> 01:02:06,120
Why now, all of a sudden?
1418
01:02:09,358 --> 01:02:11,826
Becky's pregnant.
1419
01:02:12,361 --> 01:02:14,089
She is?
1420
01:02:14,830 --> 01:02:16,698
Huh.
1421
01:02:16,699 --> 01:02:18,967
So, what, are you afraid you're
gonna miss the baby shower?
1422
01:02:18,968 --> 01:02:20,935
I'm the father.
1423
01:02:23,539 --> 01:02:25,206
This sucks, man.
1424
01:02:25,207 --> 01:02:28,343
I have pelvic piss syndrome
like a motherfucker,
1425
01:02:28,344 --> 01:02:31,642
so be really fucking quiet.
1426
01:02:32,147 --> 01:02:34,615
Ew, dude, don't try
looking at my dick.
1427
01:02:35,618 --> 01:02:37,485
What the fuck?
What?
1428
01:02:37,486 --> 01:02:38,886
Should we have
left that guy in there?
1429
01:02:38,887 --> 01:02:40,755
Oh, fuck him! How the fuck
did you father a child
1430
01:02:40,756 --> 01:02:42,523
with a chick
that's not your fianc�?!
1431
01:02:42,524 --> 01:02:44,225
Holy shit!
1432
01:02:44,226 --> 01:02:45,593
She got pregnant
off the toilet seat
1433
01:02:45,594 --> 01:02:46,761
you jerked off onto!
1434
01:02:46,762 --> 01:02:47,929
I fucking knew it!
1435
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:50,398
No, we had sex one night
after work, a few weeks ago.
1436
01:02:50,399 --> 01:02:51,366
What?! Where?!
1437
01:02:51,367 --> 01:02:53,268
Here, on the prep station table.
1438
01:02:53,269 --> 01:02:54,435
Ew! That's my prep table.
1439
01:02:54,436 --> 01:02:55,436
I don't know what to do.
1440
01:02:55,437 --> 01:02:56,437
What did Beck say?
1441
01:02:56,438 --> 01:02:57,605
She says she wants to have it.
1442
01:02:57,606 --> 01:02:59,274
Oh, my God, so she wants
you to break it off
1443
01:02:59,275 --> 01:03:00,608
- with Emma and marry her?
- No.
1444
01:03:00,609 --> 01:03:02,043
She's gonna tell Emma?
1445
01:03:02,044 --> 01:03:03,044
No!
1446
01:03:03,045 --> 01:03:05,079
Wait a second...
then what's the problem?
1447
01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:07,282
- Are you that dense?
- I'm serious.
1448
01:03:07,283 --> 01:03:08,950
If Becks isn't busting
your balls about it,
1449
01:03:08,951 --> 01:03:09,951
what's the big deal?
1450
01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:10,952
You could still
go down to Florida
1451
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:12,287
and live happily ever after.
1452
01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:14,989
Knowing I have a love child
up in Jersey?!
1453
01:03:14,990 --> 01:03:15,990
How the fuck do you always have,
1454
01:03:15,991 --> 01:03:18,059
like, two good-looking
girls who want you?
1455
01:03:18,060 --> 01:03:20,094
You're the most
hideous fucking CHUD
1456
01:03:20,095 --> 01:03:21,596
I've ever met,
and you always have
1457
01:03:21,597 --> 01:03:23,264
a pair of girls
fighting over you.
1458
01:03:23,265 --> 01:03:25,266
Listen, you can never tell
anybody about this.
1459
01:03:25,267 --> 01:03:26,467
Who am I gonna tell?
1460
01:03:26,468 --> 01:03:28,102
I'm serious, Randal!
And not just for me.
1461
01:03:28,103 --> 01:03:29,771
Becky says she doesn't want
anybody to know.
1462
01:03:29,772 --> 01:03:30,772
Then what'd you tell me for?
1463
01:03:30,773 --> 01:03:32,907
Look, you've fucked me over
in the past,
1464
01:03:32,908 --> 01:03:34,108
but this is huge.
1465
01:03:34,109 --> 01:03:35,276
This is serious!
1466
01:03:35,277 --> 01:03:37,612
Promise me that you'll
keep your mouth shut,
1467
01:03:37,613 --> 01:03:38,946
because if you fuck me over
this time,
1468
01:03:38,947 --> 01:03:41,449
I swear to God, I will beat
the shit out of you.
1469
01:03:41,450 --> 01:03:43,318
You and what army?
1470
01:03:43,319 --> 01:03:44,319
I'm serious!
1471
01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:46,287
I'm serious, too.
You and what army?
1472
01:03:46,288 --> 01:03:47,588
Promise me!
1473
01:03:47,589 --> 01:03:49,824
All right!
Get off of me, you nut!
1474
01:03:49,825 --> 01:03:52,725
What the fuck?!
1475
01:03:57,199 --> 01:03:58,933
Can I talk to you for a minute?
1476
01:03:58,934 --> 01:04:00,668
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, we were just...
1477
01:04:00,669 --> 01:04:03,228
May your first child
be a masculine child.
1478
01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:09,977
Becky!
1479
01:04:09,978 --> 01:04:11,145
Randal!
1480
01:04:11,146 --> 01:04:12,680
She was sweating me.
It just came out.
1481
01:04:12,681 --> 01:04:14,148
Ow! Shit!
1482
01:04:14,149 --> 01:04:15,416
You swung at me!
1483
01:04:15,417 --> 01:04:17,585
- You ducked!
- Because you swung at me!
1484
01:04:17,586 --> 01:04:19,576
Damn it!
1485
01:04:21,790 --> 01:04:23,124
Where's Becky?
1486
01:04:23,125 --> 01:04:24,125
She just left.
1487
01:04:24,126 --> 01:04:25,293
I need help here, Mr. Dante.
1488
01:04:25,294 --> 01:04:27,628
I can't wrap good,
and Randal ate the last pickles.
1489
01:04:27,629 --> 01:04:29,297
You fucking snitch.
1490
01:04:29,298 --> 01:04:30,965
I'm sorry, Randal.
I'm sorry.
1491
01:04:30,966 --> 01:04:34,128
Becky!
1492
01:04:40,142 --> 01:04:42,343
Maybe she went to get
a home pregnancy test
1493
01:04:42,344 --> 01:04:43,344
just to be sure.
1494
01:04:43,345 --> 01:04:46,837
How the fuck
could this day get any worse?
1495
01:04:49,985 --> 01:04:51,519
Well, what the fuck
are you doing, man?!
1496
01:04:51,520 --> 01:04:52,520
Follow her!
1497
01:04:52,521 --> 01:04:53,521
You-you think?
1498
01:04:53,522 --> 01:04:54,522
You're darn right, I do.
1499
01:04:54,523 --> 01:04:55,857
You two have got
to work this out.
1500
01:04:55,858 --> 01:04:57,024
Follow her, talk
to her for an hour,
1501
01:04:57,025 --> 01:04:58,025
then come back here.
1502
01:04:58,026 --> 01:04:59,026
An hour?!
1503
01:04:59,027 --> 01:05:00,795
L-I've found that any
more time than that,
1504
01:05:00,796 --> 01:05:02,697
you run the risk of saying
the wrong thing again.
1505
01:05:02,698 --> 01:05:04,365
Follow her,
talk to her for an hour,
1506
01:05:04,366 --> 01:05:05,833
then come back here
and help me close up.
1507
01:05:05,834 --> 01:05:07,135
You can't close up by yourself?
1508
01:05:07,136 --> 01:05:09,203
Fucking A, man,
you're about to become a father!
1509
01:05:09,204 --> 01:05:11,205
Time to start acting
responsibly!
1510
01:05:11,206 --> 01:05:14,607
Be back here in an hour.
Go!
1511
01:05:34,029 --> 01:05:35,329
Hello.
1512
01:05:35,330 --> 01:05:37,331
I assume
you're with Kinky Kelly.
1513
01:05:37,332 --> 01:05:39,801
Good guess. You Randal?
1514
01:05:39,802 --> 01:05:41,035
I am.
1515
01:05:41,036 --> 01:05:42,370
How long is it gonna take you
to set up?
1516
01:05:42,371 --> 01:05:44,005
Got to hook up the boom box,
1517
01:05:44,006 --> 01:05:45,706
hang a few curtains
and some lights.
1518
01:05:45,707 --> 01:05:48,242
I've got a small smoke machine
for ambiance. Yeah.
1519
01:05:48,243 --> 01:05:50,478
Well, you might as
well start setting up.
1520
01:05:50,479 --> 01:05:51,479
We got about an hour
1521
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,047
before the guest of honor
gets back.
1522
01:05:53,048 --> 01:05:56,684
So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly
before the show or what?
1523
01:05:56,685 --> 01:05:57,518
Nah.
1524
01:05:57,519 --> 01:05:59,353
Kelly likes privacy
before show time.
1525
01:05:59,354 --> 01:06:00,888
But after the show, if you want,
1526
01:06:00,889 --> 01:06:03,191
for an extra $500,
you can fuck Kelly.
1527
01:06:03,192 --> 01:06:05,159
Really? Sweet.
1528
01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:07,495
Yeah. So, where
we doing this thing?
1529
01:06:07,496 --> 01:06:10,191
Oh, right inside the restaurant.
1530
01:06:10,732 --> 01:06:11,899
You're kidding.
1531
01:06:11,900 --> 01:06:14,135
Not spacious enough?
1532
01:06:14,136 --> 01:06:16,037
No, it's plenty spacious.
1533
01:06:16,038 --> 01:06:17,805
Just kind of weird, isn't it?
1534
01:06:17,806 --> 01:06:18,806
Kind of weird?
1535
01:06:18,807 --> 01:06:21,142
You're in the bestiality
business, dude.
1536
01:06:21,143 --> 01:06:23,110
Hey, fucko...
1537
01:06:23,312 --> 01:06:24,312
...we like to call it
1538
01:06:24,313 --> 01:06:26,180
inter-species erotica.
1539
01:06:26,181 --> 01:06:28,478
Intriguing.
1540
01:06:39,561 --> 01:06:44,760
Shakedown 1979
1541
01:06:47,102 --> 01:06:52,266
Cool kids never have
the time
1542
01:06:53,775 --> 01:06:59,280
On a live wire
right up off the street
1543
01:06:59,281 --> 01:07:03,945
You and I should meet
1544
01:07:06,121 --> 01:07:11,456
Junebug skipping
like a stone
1545
01:07:13,462 --> 01:07:18,729
Headlights pointed
at the dawn
1546
01:07:20,736 --> 01:07:27,608
We were sure we'd never see
an end to it all
1547
01:07:27,609 --> 01:07:33,447
And I don't even care
1548
01:07:33,448 --> 01:07:37,118
To shake these zipper blues
1549
01:07:37,119 --> 01:07:40,955
And we don't know
1550
01:07:40,956 --> 01:07:44,792
Just where our bones
will rest
1551
01:07:44,793 --> 01:07:48,462
To dust, I guess
1552
01:07:48,463 --> 01:07:52,133
Lamented and assured
1553
01:07:52,134 --> 01:07:53,568
To the lights
1554
01:07:53,569 --> 01:07:58,339
And towns below
1555
01:07:58,340 --> 01:08:02,243
Faster than
1556
01:08:02,244 --> 01:08:06,180
The speed of sound
1557
01:08:06,181 --> 01:08:09,317
Faster than
1558
01:08:09,318 --> 01:08:13,154
We thought we'd go
1559
01:08:13,155 --> 01:08:16,958
Beneath the sound
1560
01:08:16,959 --> 01:08:19,290
Of hope
1561
01:08:21,663 --> 01:08:26,099
The street heats
the urgency of now
1562
01:08:29,371 --> 01:08:35,366
As you see,
there's no one around.
1563
01:08:36,011 --> 01:08:38,212
Oh, no.
1564
01:08:38,213 --> 01:08:39,680
Not again.
1565
01:08:41,216 --> 01:08:42,883
Yeah, I have a fire
at the Mooby's
1566
01:08:42,884 --> 01:08:45,181
on Memorial Parkway
and Leonardo.
1567
01:08:58,367 --> 01:09:00,494
What?
1568
01:09:03,705 --> 01:09:06,407
What the fuck is going on?
1569
01:09:06,408 --> 01:09:07,975
It's your going-away party.
1570
01:09:07,976 --> 01:09:10,645
Whoo! Whoo!
1571
01:09:10,646 --> 01:09:14,715
We's all gonna get drunk
and get laid!
1572
01:09:14,716 --> 01:09:17,284
Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?
1573
01:09:17,285 --> 01:09:18,285
Isn't it awesome?
1574
01:09:18,286 --> 01:09:20,651
My man smoked two blunts
full of skunk.
1575
01:09:21,423 --> 01:09:22,423
Fuck Pillow Pants!
1576
01:09:22,424 --> 01:09:24,592
Honk if you love
a tight pussy...
1577
01:09:24,593 --> 01:09:27,094
Yo, we love pussy.
1578
01:09:27,095 --> 01:09:28,763
Tonight, before
you leave me forever,
1579
01:09:28,764 --> 01:09:30,765
we are gonna peep something
we've been talking about
1580
01:09:30,766 --> 01:09:32,266
since we saw "Bachelor Party"
1581
01:09:32,267 --> 01:09:34,602
at your parents' house
on Beta, when we were 12.
1582
01:09:34,603 --> 01:09:36,771
What the fuck are
you talking about?
1583
01:09:36,772 --> 01:09:38,439
I'm gonna miss you, man.
1584
01:09:38,440 --> 01:09:41,942
I'm gonna miss you, too,
but this is a little much.
1585
01:09:41,943 --> 01:09:44,172
Yeah? Just wait.
1586
01:09:53,021 --> 01:09:54,681
Show time!
1587
01:09:55,223 --> 01:09:56,957
Ladies and gentlemen...
1588
01:09:56,958 --> 01:09:57,958
and you, Elias,
1589
01:09:57,959 --> 01:09:59,927
straight from the debauchery
1590
01:09:59,928 --> 01:10:03,097
capital of the world,
Tijuana, Mexico...
1591
01:10:03,098 --> 01:10:04,398
Oh, God, no.
1592
01:10:04,399 --> 01:10:06,333
Oh, God, yes.
1593
01:10:06,334 --> 01:10:09,270
Get ready for some
hard-core bestiality.
1594
01:10:09,271 --> 01:10:12,331
Inter-species erotica, fucko!
1595
01:10:12,874 --> 01:10:15,409
Inter-species erotica
at its finest,
1596
01:10:15,410 --> 01:10:16,911
straight from TJ,
1597
01:10:16,912 --> 01:10:21,405
I give you Kinky Kelly
and the Sexy Stud!
1598
01:10:23,151 --> 01:10:24,640
Maybe
1599
01:10:25,220 --> 01:10:26,721
- Just maybe...
- Whoo!
1600
01:10:26,722 --> 01:10:31,352
Naughty girls
need love, too...
1601
01:10:38,600 --> 01:10:41,864
Don't worry.
Chick's coming.
1602
01:10:49,077 --> 01:10:52,713
I've been told
time and time again
1603
01:10:52,714 --> 01:10:55,883
That you can't treat love
like a game...
1604
01:10:55,884 --> 01:10:57,752
Any second,
the chick's coming.
1605
01:10:57,753 --> 01:11:01,055
But I play rough
with hearts that never mend
1606
01:11:01,056 --> 01:11:05,559
'Cause some guys like you
do the same
1607
01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:08,796
Love was
just a four-letter word
1608
01:11:08,797 --> 01:11:10,865
Never heard, how absurd...
1609
01:11:10,866 --> 01:11:12,767
Any minute now.
1610
01:11:12,768 --> 01:11:14,568
How could it be?
1611
01:11:14,569 --> 01:11:18,239
But now I can't believe
this is real
1612
01:11:18,240 --> 01:11:20,474
How I feel, now you steal
1613
01:11:20,475 --> 01:11:23,110
My heart away from me
1614
01:11:23,111 --> 01:11:25,579
Used to be so good
and so bad
1615
01:11:25,580 --> 01:11:29,083
Sex was something
I just had...
1616
01:11:29,084 --> 01:11:32,086
Wow, that guy's being awfully
forward with that donkey.
1617
01:11:32,087 --> 01:11:33,587
Uh, Randal?!
1618
01:11:33,588 --> 01:11:37,353
Where the fuck's the chick?
1619
01:11:39,761 --> 01:11:44,265
Baby, don't let me
be misunderstood
1620
01:11:44,266 --> 01:11:45,766
Temporary love's so bad...
1621
01:11:45,767 --> 01:11:48,536
Yo, Freddie fucking Mercury,
where's Kelly?
1622
01:11:48,537 --> 01:11:49,703
Then along came you...
1623
01:11:49,704 --> 01:11:50,704
Right here.
1624
01:11:50,705 --> 01:11:51,739
Now I know it's true...
1625
01:11:51,740 --> 01:11:54,542
I thought that's the sexy stud.
1626
01:11:54,543 --> 01:11:57,845
I'm the sexy stud.
1627
01:11:57,846 --> 01:12:00,214
Then came you...
1628
01:12:00,215 --> 01:12:02,149
But this donkey's a dude.
1629
01:12:02,150 --> 01:12:05,419
Kelly can be
a guy's name, too. Hey!
1630
01:12:05,420 --> 01:12:06,587
Yes, it's true
1631
01:12:06,588 --> 01:12:07,755
I'm in love with you
1632
01:12:07,756 --> 01:12:10,624
And believe it, baby
1633
01:12:10,625 --> 01:12:13,889
This time,
your love won't get away...
1634
01:12:14,429 --> 01:12:16,430
Due to some
nomenclature confusion,
1635
01:12:16,431 --> 01:12:19,266
there's not gonna be any chick.
1636
01:12:19,267 --> 01:12:21,802
Well, who the fuck's
gonna blow the donkey?
1637
01:12:21,803 --> 01:12:25,272
Ooh, it's only you I adore
1638
01:12:25,273 --> 01:12:29,243
So much more
than my body was asking for...
1639
01:12:29,244 --> 01:12:30,578
Oh!
1640
01:12:30,579 --> 01:12:32,613
Yes, your love
is breaking my chill...
1641
01:12:32,614 --> 01:12:36,750
I have a huge boner right now.
1642
01:12:36,751 --> 01:12:38,953
In my heart...
1643
01:12:38,954 --> 01:12:40,421
Oh, my God!
1644
01:12:40,422 --> 01:12:42,790
Becky!
1645
01:12:42,791 --> 01:12:43,958
Where did you go?
1646
01:12:43,959 --> 01:12:46,126
What the fuck is going on here?
1647
01:12:46,127 --> 01:12:48,462
Uh, inter-species erotica.
1648
01:12:48,463 --> 01:12:50,231
Are you okay?
1649
01:12:50,232 --> 01:12:54,068
I'm disgusted and repulsed
and...
1650
01:12:54,069 --> 01:12:56,070
and I can't look away.
1651
01:12:56,071 --> 01:12:58,239
Baby, don't let me
be misunderstood...
1652
01:12:58,240 --> 01:13:00,274
It's huge!
1653
01:13:00,275 --> 01:13:01,408
Temporary love's so bad...
1654
01:13:01,409 --> 01:13:02,610
But it feels so good
1655
01:13:02,611 --> 01:13:04,578
Then along came you...
1656
01:13:04,579 --> 01:13:05,946
We need to talk.
1657
01:13:05,947 --> 01:13:08,082
Did you see the size
of that cock...
1658
01:13:08,083 --> 01:13:09,481
I love you.
1659
01:13:10,552 --> 01:13:12,952
And-and I think
you love me, too.
1660
01:13:14,422 --> 01:13:17,258
Uh, of-of course.
I...
1661
01:13:17,259 --> 01:13:18,459
I mean, we're friends.
1662
01:13:18,460 --> 01:13:21,190
L-I think you love me
as more than a friend.
1663
01:13:23,164 --> 01:13:24,832
It's okay.
You can say it.
1664
01:13:24,833 --> 01:13:27,935
But I don't believe
in romantic love.
1665
01:13:27,936 --> 01:13:30,028
I think you do.
1666
01:13:30,572 --> 01:13:32,806
Do you really want
to do this right now?
1667
01:13:32,807 --> 01:13:34,608
But it feels so good
1668
01:13:34,609 --> 01:13:36,777
Then along came you...
1669
01:13:36,778 --> 01:13:39,813
Well, I guess the show's over.
1670
01:13:39,814 --> 01:13:41,315
I don't think so, sir.
1671
01:13:41,316 --> 01:13:43,977
Naughty girls
need love... too...
1672
01:13:51,393 --> 01:13:53,394
If he's gonna jerk off,
1673
01:13:53,395 --> 01:13:55,029
I'm gonna jerk off, too.
1674
01:13:55,030 --> 01:13:57,725
I don't think
he's gonna jerk off.
1675
01:14:00,035 --> 01:14:02,036
So moving like you're 40
1676
01:14:02,037 --> 01:14:04,438
This groove
is much too naughty
1677
01:14:04,439 --> 01:14:05,572
Can't you see?
1678
01:14:05,573 --> 01:14:07,308
I want you just for me
1679
01:14:07,309 --> 01:14:09,436
Boys, make some noise...
1680
01:14:09,978 --> 01:14:11,412
Yo, you guys
are gonna miss this shit!
1681
01:14:11,413 --> 01:14:15,916
The big guy's gonna cornhole
that ass... with his wiener!
1682
01:14:15,917 --> 01:14:17,584
Hold that thought.
1683
01:14:17,585 --> 01:14:23,523
Freeze, freeze,
freeze, freeze...
1684
01:14:27,329 --> 01:14:31,065
I hope that donkey doesn't have
a heinie troll.
1685
01:14:31,066 --> 01:14:33,067
Temporary love's so bad...
1686
01:14:33,068 --> 01:14:34,868
All right, I do.
1687
01:14:34,869 --> 01:14:36,770
Do what?
1688
01:14:36,771 --> 01:14:39,707
Then along came you...
1689
01:14:39,708 --> 01:14:41,732
I do love you.
1690
01:14:47,949 --> 01:14:51,350
Temporary, temporary...
1691
01:14:53,621 --> 01:14:56,156
What kind of sick
fuck gets turned on
1692
01:14:56,157 --> 01:14:58,158
watching a guy fuck a donkey?
1693
01:14:58,159 --> 01:15:00,494
Naughty girls need love
1694
01:15:00,495 --> 01:15:03,691
Baby, baby
1695
01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:07,634
I'm sorry, Jesus.
1696
01:15:09,471 --> 01:15:13,270
Then along came you...
1697
01:15:18,079 --> 01:15:19,568
Dante?
1698
01:15:29,791 --> 01:15:32,092
What's going on?
1699
01:15:32,093 --> 01:15:34,254
Ooh, cake.
1700
01:15:35,296 --> 01:15:38,098
Yo, I was outside taking a piss
when I heard the news.
1701
01:15:38,099 --> 01:15:39,588
Congrats!
1702
01:15:41,302 --> 01:15:43,235
You're having a baby, right?
1703
01:15:45,006 --> 01:15:48,703
No. Who said that?
1704
01:15:50,578 --> 01:15:53,239
Some asshole.
1705
01:15:54,582 --> 01:15:58,313
Temporary, temporary...
1706
01:16:01,289 --> 01:16:03,490
I'm sorry.
1707
01:16:03,491 --> 01:16:07,094
Naughty girls need love...
1708
01:16:07,095 --> 01:16:09,028
You fuck!
1709
01:16:11,766 --> 01:16:13,790
Quick, hit that
two-timing fuck with this!
1710
01:16:17,105 --> 01:16:19,732
Hey, want to go out sometime?
1711
01:16:24,712 --> 01:16:27,339
Emma, I don't...
I don't know what to say.
1712
01:16:27,882 --> 01:16:30,782
Take him, you fucking whore.
1713
01:16:35,023 --> 01:16:36,512
Emma!
1714
01:16:40,028 --> 01:16:42,229
Oh, no.
1715
01:16:42,230 --> 01:16:44,198
Don't let me
1716
01:16:44,199 --> 01:16:45,833
Baby
1717
01:16:45,834 --> 01:16:47,301
Temporary love's so bad
1718
01:16:47,302 --> 01:16:50,070
Temporary love's
so bad
1719
01:16:50,071 --> 01:16:51,138
Then along came you...
1720
01:16:51,139 --> 01:16:54,631
Oh, shit, not again.
Got to finish.
1721
01:16:55,176 --> 01:16:57,544
Yo, cops are outside,
we're holding,
1722
01:16:57,545 --> 01:17:00,775
and I'm still on probation.
1723
01:17:01,883 --> 01:17:05,586
Temporary, temporary...
1724
01:17:05,587 --> 01:17:08,078
What the fuck?
1725
01:17:11,659 --> 01:17:13,193
Porch monkey?!
1726
01:17:13,194 --> 01:17:14,761
Oh, no, no, it's cool.
1727
01:17:14,762 --> 01:17:16,524
I'm taking it back.
1728
01:17:17,432 --> 01:17:21,068
I love pussy and beer!
1729
01:17:21,069 --> 01:17:22,558
Whoo-hoo!
1730
01:17:33,314 --> 01:17:36,612
Deja fucking vu, right?
1731
01:17:46,628 --> 01:17:50,564
Jail cell design hasn't changed
much in centuries, has it?
1732
01:17:51,332 --> 01:17:53,367
Maybe it's time they brought in
the laser bars or something.
1733
01:17:53,368 --> 01:17:54,835
Or they can make
1734
01:17:54,836 --> 01:17:58,572
a hard plastic cage
like Magneto's in X- Men 2.
1735
01:17:58,573 --> 01:17:59,907
No, come on, dude,
1736
01:17:59,908 --> 01:18:02,342
let's keep it in the real world,
all right?
1737
01:18:03,111 --> 01:18:04,545
But you know
what wouldn't be a bad idea?
1738
01:18:04,546 --> 01:18:06,240
Carbonite.
1739
01:18:08,950 --> 01:18:10,678
What do you think, Dante?
1740
01:18:11,553 --> 01:18:12,586
I think I'm gonna kill you!
1741
01:18:12,587 --> 01:18:14,121
Get off of me!
1742
01:18:14,122 --> 01:18:16,123
What up?! Steel cage match!
1743
01:18:16,124 --> 01:18:17,291
You ruined my life!
1744
01:18:17,292 --> 01:18:19,259
Your life was already ruined!
1745
01:18:20,195 --> 01:18:21,361
Jesus!
1746
01:18:21,362 --> 01:18:22,596
What were you thinking?
1747
01:18:22,597 --> 01:18:23,897
A fucking donkey show?!
1748
01:18:23,898 --> 01:18:25,566
It was your going-away present!
1749
01:18:25,567 --> 01:18:26,600
It sure was.
1750
01:18:26,601 --> 01:18:28,101
I just never thought
I'd be going away to prison.
1751
01:18:28,102 --> 01:18:30,331
Hey, boys.
1752
01:18:30,872 --> 01:18:32,272
You can't be imprisoned
1753
01:18:32,273 --> 01:18:34,541
for watching
an inter-species sex act.
1754
01:18:34,542 --> 01:18:36,243
You guys'll walk.
1755
01:18:36,244 --> 01:18:38,612
The most I'll get'll be a fine
for animal abuse
1756
01:18:38,613 --> 01:18:41,949
and a lot of disgusted looks
from asswipe conservatives
1757
01:18:41,950 --> 01:18:44,451
who can't appreciate
sexual exploration.
1758
01:18:44,452 --> 01:18:46,146
Hey!
1759
01:18:49,657 --> 01:18:53,092
I miss my donkey.
1760
01:18:53,628 --> 01:18:55,229
I can't believe you.
1761
01:18:55,230 --> 01:18:56,997
I finally get my shit together.
1762
01:18:56,998 --> 01:18:58,498
I'm hours
from getting out of here
1763
01:18:58,499 --> 01:19:01,335
and really starting my life,
and you somehow figure out a way
1764
01:19:01,336 --> 01:19:03,870
to obliterate all that
and reduce me to a convict.
1765
01:19:03,871 --> 01:19:06,340
Oh, yeah, it's my fault
your life's fucked up.
1766
01:19:06,341 --> 01:19:09,139
I'm the engaged guy
who knocked up my boss.
1767
01:19:09,677 --> 01:19:13,013
You knocked up the guy
who owns Mooby's? Ew.
1768
01:19:13,014 --> 01:19:14,147
What?
1769
01:19:14,148 --> 01:19:15,444
Would you shut up?
1770
01:19:17,218 --> 01:19:18,819
You're chaos incarnate, man.
1771
01:19:18,820 --> 01:19:20,020
Our whole lives,
1772
01:19:20,021 --> 01:19:22,556
you've been getting me into
trouble and holding me back.
1773
01:19:22,557 --> 01:19:24,024
Oh, I'm holding you back, right?
1774
01:19:24,025 --> 01:19:25,592
I remember, like, ten years ago,
1775
01:19:25,593 --> 01:19:27,527
the night we went
to Julie Dwyer's funeral,
1776
01:19:27,528 --> 01:19:30,097
you were all like, "I need
to shit or get off the pot."
1777
01:19:30,098 --> 01:19:32,266
You said, "Shit
or get off the pot," not me.
1778
01:19:32,267 --> 01:19:34,868
You got all fired up about
taking charge of your life,
1779
01:19:34,869 --> 01:19:36,036
and what'd you do?
1780
01:19:36,037 --> 01:19:38,538
You worked at the store
till the place burned down.
1781
01:19:38,539 --> 01:19:39,973
I took courses at Brookdale.
1782
01:19:39,974 --> 01:19:40,941
And dropped out.
1783
01:19:40,942 --> 01:19:42,409
Because you stopped going.
1784
01:19:42,410 --> 01:19:45,245
Because we were just killing
time with those classes.
1785
01:19:45,246 --> 01:19:46,513
One semester,
1786
01:19:46,514 --> 01:19:48,215
we took Criminology,
for Christ's sake.
1787
01:19:48,216 --> 01:19:50,450
What the fuck were we training
to be, Batman?
1788
01:19:50,451 --> 01:19:52,786
At least we were
doing something
1789
01:19:52,787 --> 01:19:55,555
instead of wasting our lives in
some fucking convenience store!
1790
01:19:55,556 --> 01:19:56,890
You know what?
1791
01:19:56,891 --> 01:19:59,893
You can badmouth Quick Stop all
you want, but I miss that place.
1792
01:19:59,894 --> 01:20:01,061
I loved working there.
1793
01:20:01,062 --> 01:20:04,030
I look back on that period
as the best time in my life.
1794
01:20:04,565 --> 01:20:06,066
Now I know you're fuckin' nuts.
1795
01:20:06,067 --> 01:20:09,236
Why? Because I enjoyed
what I did?
1796
01:20:09,237 --> 01:20:10,804
I got to watch movies,
1797
01:20:10,805 --> 01:20:13,240
fuck with assholes,
and hang out with my best friend
1798
01:20:13,241 --> 01:20:14,408
all day.
1799
01:20:14,409 --> 01:20:15,742
Can you think of a better way
to make a living?
1800
01:20:15,743 --> 01:20:17,744
Yeah, maybe it's not
what everyone does,
1801
01:20:17,745 --> 01:20:19,906
but it was pretty fucking good.
1802
01:20:20,448 --> 01:20:22,082
Man, that's you all over.
1803
01:20:22,083 --> 01:20:23,717
Scrape by with the bare minimum.
1804
01:20:23,718 --> 01:20:26,153
Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.
1805
01:20:26,154 --> 01:20:27,754
I'm not in high school anymore.
1806
01:20:27,755 --> 01:20:30,090
Shit, I'm not
even in my twenties anymore.
1807
01:20:30,091 --> 01:20:31,925
I don't want to sit around
and rag on customers
1808
01:20:31,926 --> 01:20:33,093
while eating free food.
1809
01:20:33,094 --> 01:20:34,294
That's what you want to do.
1810
01:20:34,295 --> 01:20:36,229
That's what you've
always wanted to do.
1811
01:20:36,230 --> 01:20:38,432
Well, if that's all you want out
of life, man, then God bless,
1812
01:20:38,433 --> 01:20:41,301
but I refuse to let your shit
taint the rest of mine.
1813
01:20:41,302 --> 01:20:44,438
No. I'm gonna smooth
things over with Emma,
1814
01:20:44,439 --> 01:20:45,839
go to Florida
1815
01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:49,400
and start
my Randal Graves-free existence.
1816
01:20:50,745 --> 01:20:55,579
And try to forget these last
33 years ever happened.
1817
01:21:01,055 --> 01:21:04,854
So that's the way you see all
this time we've spent together?
1818
01:21:06,694 --> 01:21:08,562
That's weird, man.
1819
01:21:08,563 --> 01:21:10,564
I thought you were
the only guy in the world
1820
01:21:10,565 --> 01:21:12,466
who got me and had my back...
1821
01:21:12,467 --> 01:21:15,569
the only person
who'd take a bullet for me,
1822
01:21:15,570 --> 01:21:17,070
'cause I assumed
you felt about me
1823
01:21:17,071 --> 01:21:19,940
the same way I feel about you.
1824
01:21:19,941 --> 01:21:22,442
Then, all of a sudden, one day,
you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."
1825
01:21:22,443 --> 01:21:26,071
Do you know
what that's been like for me?
1826
01:21:26,814 --> 01:21:28,582
I'm looking at a future
that just sucks,
1827
01:21:28,583 --> 01:21:30,584
because you're
not gonna be in it anymore.
1828
01:21:30,585 --> 01:21:32,085
And you're not
even throwing me over
1829
01:21:32,086 --> 01:21:33,920
for a life
that means something to you.
1830
01:21:33,921 --> 01:21:35,922
It's just a stupid,
hollow existence
1831
01:21:35,923 --> 01:21:36,923
you think you should embrace
1832
01:21:36,924 --> 01:21:38,325
because you're getting old
or something,
1833
01:21:38,326 --> 01:21:43,430
because it's the kind of life
everyone else goes after.
1834
01:21:43,431 --> 01:21:46,099
You're a fucking drone, dude.
1835
01:21:46,100 --> 01:21:47,100
Fine.
1836
01:21:47,101 --> 01:21:48,769
Then the next friend
whose life you ruin
1837
01:21:48,770 --> 01:21:50,704
can be a totally free spirit.
1838
01:21:50,705 --> 01:21:51,838
How's that?
1839
01:21:51,839 --> 01:21:55,542
You think I want to start
making friends at my age?
1840
01:21:55,543 --> 01:21:57,544
Christ.
1841
01:21:57,545 --> 01:22:00,036
Who would want me
as their friend?
1842
01:22:00,715 --> 01:22:04,707
I hate everyone, and everything
seems stupid to me...
1843
01:22:06,921 --> 01:22:09,890
...but you were always
the counterbalance to that...
1844
01:22:09,891 --> 01:22:14,227
the guy who was the yin
to my yang.
1845
01:22:14,228 --> 01:22:18,220
But now what the fuck am I gonna
do for the rest of my life?
1846
01:22:20,234 --> 01:22:22,035
I mean, shit, I really wish
1847
01:22:22,036 --> 01:22:23,537
you would've told me this
when I first met you
1848
01:22:23,538 --> 01:22:24,871
that one day,
you were gonna bail
1849
01:22:24,872 --> 01:22:26,206
on our friendship,
1850
01:22:26,207 --> 01:22:28,208
because if I had known
you were just gonna flake on me
1851
01:22:28,209 --> 01:22:31,878
a few decades later...
1852
01:22:31,879 --> 01:22:33,547
I wouldn't have even bothered
with your ass
1853
01:22:33,548 --> 01:22:36,278
in the first place.
1854
01:22:38,519 --> 01:22:39,719
Jesus, why don't you two
1855
01:22:39,720 --> 01:22:42,381
just fuck and get it
over with already?
1856
01:22:43,825 --> 01:22:44,991
Faggots.
1857
01:22:44,992 --> 01:22:49,326
Why can't you ever say
something useful for a change?
1858
01:22:49,864 --> 01:22:51,164
Well, what the fuck
you waiting for?
1859
01:22:51,165 --> 01:22:53,997
That's your cue, man.
1860
01:23:04,178 --> 01:23:06,339
I got nothing.
1861
01:23:07,715 --> 01:23:09,015
Jesus fucking Christ,
what good are you,
1862
01:23:09,016 --> 01:23:10,183
you mute fuck?!
1863
01:23:10,184 --> 01:23:11,718
You know what?
That hurts.
1864
01:23:11,719 --> 01:23:14,287
Like, what do you ever add
to the fucking proceedings?
1865
01:23:14,288 --> 01:23:17,123
You got, like, one answer
for everything: "Pussy, man."
1866
01:23:17,124 --> 01:23:19,693
Oh, then, man, you must love
this fuckin' guy,
1867
01:23:19,694 --> 01:23:21,661
'cause he's the biggest pussy
I ever met.
1868
01:23:21,662 --> 01:23:23,196
The dude who lives his life
1869
01:23:23,197 --> 01:23:24,464
according
to everyone else's standards.
1870
01:23:24,465 --> 01:23:26,299
"I got to go to Florida
1871
01:23:26,300 --> 01:23:28,702
and get married, 'cause that's
what's expected of me."
1872
01:23:28,703 --> 01:23:31,371
And the fuckin' insane part is,
he ain't even that crazy
1873
01:23:31,372 --> 01:23:33,673
about the chick he's marrying
or Florida,
1874
01:23:33,674 --> 01:23:34,875
never mind the fact
that he's got
1875
01:23:34,876 --> 01:23:35,876
a perfectly good chick
1876
01:23:35,877 --> 01:23:38,545
right here in Jersey
who he's nuts about,
1877
01:23:38,546 --> 01:23:41,715
and even Anne fuckin' Frank
could see she's nuts about him.
1878
01:23:41,716 --> 01:23:43,383
God knows why.
1879
01:23:43,384 --> 01:23:45,552
And she likes you
for who you are, man.
1880
01:23:45,553 --> 01:23:47,387
She ain't trying
to stuff you into a box
1881
01:23:47,388 --> 01:23:48,889
you'll never fit into.
1882
01:23:48,890 --> 01:23:50,490
Not to mention the fact
that she's carrying
1883
01:23:50,491 --> 01:23:52,652
your hideous fucking CHUD
of a kid.
1884
01:23:53,461 --> 01:23:54,995
Jesus, if you had any sense
whatsoever,
1885
01:23:54,996 --> 01:23:56,329
you'd fuckin' stop trying
1886
01:23:56,330 --> 01:23:57,998
to bray it up
with the rest of the sheep
1887
01:23:57,999 --> 01:24:00,834
and live your life
the way it makes sense for you,
1888
01:24:00,835 --> 01:24:02,235
you fuckin' ass!
1889
01:24:02,236 --> 01:24:04,237
Oh, yeah?
And what's that?
1890
01:24:04,238 --> 01:24:05,539
You obviously have
such a great handle
1891
01:24:05,540 --> 01:24:06,840
on your life.
1892
01:24:06,841 --> 01:24:08,508
Tell me what you would do
if you were in my position...
1893
01:24:08,509 --> 01:24:10,810
or even what you'd do
in your own position?
1894
01:24:10,811 --> 01:24:13,346
Swing that judgmental pendulum
back the other way
1895
01:24:13,347 --> 01:24:15,148
and tell me how you'd solve
all your problems, asshole.
1896
01:24:15,149 --> 01:24:17,250
What the fuck would the
great Randal Graves do
1897
01:24:17,251 --> 01:24:18,685
if he were half the
master of his destiny
1898
01:24:18,686 --> 01:24:20,153
that I'm supposed to be?!
1899
01:24:20,154 --> 01:24:24,818
I'd buy the Quick Stop
and reopen it myself!
1900
01:24:26,227 --> 01:24:28,161
That's what I'd do.
1901
01:24:28,162 --> 01:24:31,256
That's what we should do.
1902
01:24:31,799 --> 01:24:33,300
Yeah, right.
1903
01:24:33,301 --> 01:24:36,002
Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?
1904
01:24:36,003 --> 01:24:37,804
Do you know
how much it would cost
1905
01:24:37,805 --> 01:24:38,805
to buy the Quick Stop?
1906
01:24:38,806 --> 01:24:40,540
Like, 50 grand, easy.
1907
01:24:40,541 --> 01:24:44,533
And neither one of us have
that type of money.
1908
01:24:51,118 --> 01:24:54,109
We do.
1909
01:24:57,992 --> 01:25:00,722
That's right.
1910
01:25:01,462 --> 01:25:03,964
You guys would be willing
to lend us some of that money
1911
01:25:03,965 --> 01:25:05,989
so we can reopen the stores?
1912
01:25:08,803 --> 01:25:11,471
Sure, on two conditions.
1913
01:25:11,472 --> 01:25:13,640
One: We can hang out
in front of the store
1914
01:25:13,641 --> 01:25:15,904
anytime we want, and
you can't call the cops.
1915
01:25:16,644 --> 01:25:18,511
And two:
1916
01:25:18,512 --> 01:25:20,313
You have to blow each other,
1917
01:25:20,314 --> 01:25:21,803
and we get to watch.
1918
01:25:22,283 --> 01:25:25,308
Then you have
to go ass to mouth.
1919
01:25:28,289 --> 01:25:31,656
All right, just
the first condition.
1920
01:25:32,193 --> 01:25:33,460
Seriously?
1921
01:25:33,461 --> 01:25:34,461
Do I stutter?
1922
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:36,930
Yeah, seriously.
1923
01:25:41,068 --> 01:25:43,331
What do you think?
1924
01:25:44,372 --> 01:25:47,374
I almost hate to say it, but...
1925
01:25:47,375 --> 01:25:49,843
it kind of makes sense.
1926
01:25:50,511 --> 01:25:53,513
Hey, maybe that's why we spent
so much time in that store,
1927
01:25:53,514 --> 01:25:55,015
why college
1928
01:25:55,016 --> 01:25:57,550
or anything else
never panned out for us.
1929
01:25:57,551 --> 01:25:59,119
I mean, think about it, man.
1930
01:25:59,120 --> 01:26:00,654
You and me running
our own business
1931
01:26:00,655 --> 01:26:03,817
instead of working
for some other asshole?
1932
01:26:04,392 --> 01:26:07,417
Could be
pretty fuckin' sweet, right?
1933
01:26:08,829 --> 01:26:11,820
Yeah, it really could.
1934
01:26:16,671 --> 01:26:18,238
But I don't know, man.
1935
01:26:18,239 --> 01:26:22,004
I was this close
to starting a new life.
1936
01:26:22,543 --> 01:26:24,305
Jesus.
1937
01:26:25,546 --> 01:26:28,708
You're actually gonna make me
do this, aren't you?
1938
01:26:32,119 --> 01:26:35,918
Can you guys cover your ears
for a minute, please?
1939
01:26:44,899 --> 01:26:48,601
You're my best friend...
1940
01:26:48,602 --> 01:26:50,967
and I love you.
1941
01:26:52,239 --> 01:26:55,408
In a totally heterosexual way.
1942
01:26:55,409 --> 01:26:58,241
Yeah, right.
1943
01:26:59,613 --> 01:27:03,708
Please, man, don't leave me.
1944
01:27:08,022 --> 01:27:10,353
Thanks.
1945
01:27:16,197 --> 01:27:18,528
That'll be $5.79.
1946
01:27:28,442 --> 01:27:31,536
I mean, you already taught me
how to dance at a wedding.
1947
01:27:32,079 --> 01:27:35,912
I mean... I know you
don't believe in romantic love.
1948
01:27:37,418 --> 01:27:43,550
I am the kindest soul
with whom you're connected
1949
01:27:44,458 --> 01:27:47,293
I have the bravest heart
1950
01:27:47,294 --> 01:27:49,162
That you've ever seen
1951
01:27:49,163 --> 01:27:51,631
Is that a yes?
1952
01:27:51,632 --> 01:27:54,801
What took you so long?
1953
01:27:54,802 --> 01:27:56,636
... I am sometimes
1954
01:27:56,637 --> 01:28:00,006
You see everything
1955
01:28:00,007 --> 01:28:03,109
You see every part
1956
01:28:03,110 --> 01:28:06,545
You see all my light
1957
01:28:07,047 --> 01:28:10,450
"One ring to rule them all."
1958
01:28:10,451 --> 01:28:13,286
You dig everything
1959
01:28:13,287 --> 01:28:16,356
Of which I'm ashamed
1960
01:28:16,357 --> 01:28:22,529
There's not anything
to which you can't relate
1961
01:28:22,530 --> 01:28:25,123
And you're still here
1962
01:28:27,268 --> 01:28:30,136
What I resist
1963
01:28:30,137 --> 01:28:33,573
Persists and speaks
1964
01:28:33,574 --> 01:28:37,410
Louder than
1965
01:28:37,411 --> 01:28:41,381
I know
1966
01:28:41,382 --> 01:28:43,783
What I resist
1967
01:28:43,784 --> 01:28:47,954
You love, no matter
1968
01:28:47,955 --> 01:28:50,056
How low
1969
01:28:50,057 --> 01:28:52,058
Or high I go...
1970
01:28:52,059 --> 01:28:53,593
Come on!
1971
01:28:53,594 --> 01:28:56,296
You see everything
1972
01:28:56,297 --> 01:28:59,966
You see every part
1973
01:28:59,967 --> 01:29:02,602
You see all my light
1974
01:29:02,603 --> 01:29:06,973
And you love my dark
1975
01:29:06,974 --> 01:29:09,876
You dig everything
1976
01:29:09,877 --> 01:29:13,246
Of which I'm ashamed
1977
01:29:13,247 --> 01:29:19,452
There's not anything
to which you can't relate
1978
01:29:19,453 --> 01:29:21,454
And you're still here
1979
01:29:21,455 --> 01:29:24,691
You see everything
1980
01:29:24,692 --> 01:29:28,394
- You see every part
- You're still here
1981
01:29:28,395 --> 01:29:31,297
You see all my light
1982
01:29:31,298 --> 01:29:35,201
- And you love my dark
- And you're still here
1983
01:29:35,202 --> 01:29:38,204
You dig everything
1984
01:29:38,205 --> 01:29:41,875
Of which I'm ashamed
1985
01:29:41,876 --> 01:29:45,912
There's not anything
to which you can't relate
1986
01:29:45,913 --> 01:29:49,507
And you're still here.
1987
01:30:21,749 --> 01:30:24,479
Oh!
1988
01:30:27,254 --> 01:30:30,018
Thanks.
Okay.
1989
01:30:30,858 --> 01:30:33,326
Pack of cigarettes?
1990
01:30:39,066 --> 01:30:41,067
You know what?
What?
1991
01:30:41,068 --> 01:30:43,900
You're not even supposed
to be here today.
1992
01:30:45,739 --> 01:30:48,741
Can you feel it?
1993
01:30:48,742 --> 01:30:50,443
Feel what?
1994
01:30:50,444 --> 01:30:54,004
Today is the first day
of the rest of our lives.
1995
01:31:03,290 --> 01:31:07,794
They say misery
1996
01:31:07,795 --> 01:31:11,731
Loves company
1997
01:31:11,732 --> 01:31:16,402
We could start a company
1998
01:31:16,403 --> 01:31:19,539
And make misery
1999
01:31:19,540 --> 01:31:25,706
Frustrated, Incorporated
2000
01:31:27,381 --> 01:31:30,416
Well, I know
just what you need
2001
01:31:30,417 --> 01:31:32,919
I might just have the thing
2002
01:31:32,920 --> 01:31:36,622
I know what you'd pay
2003
01:31:36,623 --> 01:31:40,183
To see
2004
01:31:41,261 --> 01:31:45,264
Put me out of my misery
2005
01:31:45,265 --> 01:31:46,933
I'd do it for you
2006
01:31:46,934 --> 01:31:49,669
Would you do it for me?
2007
01:31:49,670 --> 01:31:54,007
We will always be busy
2008
01:31:54,008 --> 01:31:58,501
Making misery
2009
01:32:01,415 --> 01:32:05,818
We could build a factory
2010
01:32:05,819 --> 01:32:10,123
And make misery
2011
01:32:10,124 --> 01:32:14,394
We'll create the cure
2012
01:32:14,395 --> 01:32:17,764
We made the disease
2013
01:32:17,765 --> 01:32:23,931
Frustrated, Incorporated
2014
01:32:26,040 --> 01:32:32,809
Frustrated, Incorporated
2015
01:32:33,914 --> 01:32:37,083
Well, I know
just what you need
2016
01:32:37,084 --> 01:32:39,485
I might just have the thing
2017
01:32:39,486 --> 01:32:43,156
I know what you'd pay
2018
01:32:43,157 --> 01:32:45,648
To feel
2019
01:32:47,928 --> 01:32:51,597
Put me out of my misery
2020
01:32:51,598 --> 01:32:56,069
All you suicide kings
and you drama queens
2021
01:32:56,070 --> 01:33:00,173
Forever after happily
2022
01:33:00,174 --> 01:33:06,044
Making misery
2023
01:33:24,331 --> 01:33:29,302
Did you satisfy your greed?
2024
01:33:29,303 --> 01:33:32,772
Get what you need?
2025
01:33:32,773 --> 01:33:37,410
Was it only envy?
2026
01:33:37,411 --> 01:33:40,913
So empty
2027
01:33:40,914 --> 01:33:47,080
Frustrated, Incorporated
2028
01:33:49,356 --> 01:33:55,817
Frustrated,
Incorporated
2029
01:33:57,698 --> 01:34:01,834
Frustrated, Incorporated
2030
01:34:01,835 --> 01:34:05,972
Put me out of my misery
2031
01:34:05,973 --> 01:34:09,909
Frustrated, Incorporated
2032
01:34:09,910 --> 01:34:14,147
I'd do it for you,
would you do it for me?
2033
01:34:14,148 --> 01:34:18,251
Frustrated, Incorporated
2034
01:34:18,252 --> 01:34:22,288
Ever after happily
2035
01:34:22,289 --> 01:34:26,292
Frustrated, Incorporated
2036
01:34:26,293 --> 01:34:30,396
Making misery
2037
01:34:30,397 --> 01:34:34,534
Frustrated, Incorporated
2038
01:34:34,535 --> 01:34:38,638
Put me out of my misery
2039
01:34:38,639 --> 01:34:42,642
Frustrated, Incorporated
2040
01:34:42,643 --> 01:34:46,946
I'd do it for you,
would you do it for me?
2041
01:34:46,947 --> 01:34:51,150
Frustrated, Incorporated
2042
01:34:51,151 --> 01:34:54,954
Put me out of my misery
2043
01:34:54,955 --> 01:35:00,950
Frustrated, Incorporated.
2044
01:37:09,956 --> 01:37:11,924
Oh, shit, got to finish!
2045
01:37:11,925 --> 01:37:13,790
Hey!
2046
01:37:15,028 --> 01:37:17,096
Snooge to the nooge!
2047
01:37:17,097 --> 01:37:19,565
Oh, my God!
145188
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