All language subtitles for Men.in.Black.1997.NORDiC.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.TrueHD.5.1-SS.en

[♪♪♪]

[INSECT BUZZING]

Goddamn bugs.

Oh, shit.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

DRIVER:
Oh, crap.

Well, Nick the Dick.
What a surprise.

Where you coming from, Nick?

Fishing in Cuernavaca.
Mm-hm. Sure you were.

What do you say we take
a look at your catch, huh?

Come on.

Me, I would've thrown them back.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

So, Nick, what do you get?

Like a hundred bucks
a head here? Two hundred?

Hope you saved it all
for your lawyer, my friend,
because you are gonna need it.

We'll take it from here.
Who the hell are you?

INS, Division 6.

JANUS: Division 6?
I never heard of Division 6.

Really?

Who you got your money on, Dee?
Tough call, Kay.

[IN SPANISH]

[CHUCKLING]

We've got a winner here, Dee.
Oh, I know.

[IN SPANISH]

JANUS [IN SPANISH]:

KAY [IN SPANISH]:

Sir. Sir, you can't just...

Don't "sir" me,
young man.

You have no idea
who you're dealing with.

[IN SPANISH]

We're gonna have a little
chat with our friend here.

You fellas can
hit the road.

Keep on protecting us
from the dangerous aliens.

[♪♪♪]

You ever hear of Division 6?

There is no Division 6.
This is bullshit.

Hell, yeah.

Looks like you fell off the bus
in the wrong part of town, amigo.

In fact, I'm gonna bet
dollars to pesos you're not
from anywhere near here.

Mikey?

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN
LANGUAGE]

Mikey, when did they
let you out of jail?

Political refugee, right.

You know how many
treaties you just violated?

One?
Try seven.

That's enough, Mikey.
You hand me that head.

Put up your arms
and all your flippers.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

[MIKEY GROWLING]

Aw, shit.

[ROARING]

KAY:
Dee, shoot him.

[JANUS SCREAMING]

KAY:
Dee!

Th... Th...

Th... Th...

"That."
JANUS: That...

Wa... Wa... Wa...

Was not human. I know.

Looks like you got some
entrails on you there, pal.

AGENT: What the hell?
KAY: The situation's under control.

Calm down, please. Give me
your attention for a moment.

I'll be glad to tell you
what happened.

[♪♪♪]

[ALIEN CHATTER OVER RADIO]

This is called a neuralyzer.
It's a gift from some friends
from out of town.

This red eye here will
isolate the electronic
impulses in your brains.

And more specifically,
the ones for memory.

That's good, fellas.
Give me a splay burn
around the perimeter

with holes at 40, 60 and 80
meters from right here.

Thank you.

That's good. Thank you.
What in the hell is going on?

KAY:
Excellent question.

And the answer you're
looking for lies right here.

Who are you, really?
KAY: Really?

I am just a figment
of your imagination.

Damn, what a gullible breed.

I'm serious, fellas.
You're lucky to be alive
after a blast like that.

What blast?

The underground gas main,
genius.

You fellas need to exercise
a lot more caution before
discharging your firearms,

I'll tell you that right now.
Especially you.

Have yourself checked out
with EMS

on the other side of the hill
before you leave.

[♪♪♪]

I'm sorry about back there.

It happens.
Didn't used to.

The spirit's willing, Kay...

but the rest of me...

[SIGHS]

They're beautiful, aren't they?
What?

The stars.

We never just look anymore.
KAY: No.

I'll tell you, Kay,

I will miss the chase.

No, Dee, you won't.

Freeze! N.Y.P.D. Freeze!

[♪♪♪]

All yours, Edwards.

JAY:
"Freeze" means stop.

Yo! Whoa!

What the hell?

All right. Come on.

[YELLS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

It just be raining black people
in New York.

[JAY YELLS]

Do you see this? Huh?

"N-Y-P-D."

Means I will knock
your punk ass down.

He's coming. He's coming.

Yeah, and when he gets here,
I'll arrest his ass too.

[WEAPON POWERING UP]

Oh, you trying to catch
a beat-down, huh?

[♪♪♪]

[HORN HONKS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

What's up?

He's coming.

He's coming because I failed,
and now he'll kill me too.

Yeah? Well, you're just
pissing everybody off today, huh?

You don't understand.
Your world's gonna end.

What the hell are you?

Hey, watch that ledge.
Watch the ledge.

Wait. Look, look,
come on down.

We'll get those eyes fixed.
Don't even worry about it.

Look, all right, wait a minute.
Let me talk to you. Hey! Hey!

[ALIEN SCREECHES]

[THUDS]

MAN: I go out, I work
my butt off to make a living.

All I want is to come home
to a nice, clean house

with a nice, fat steak on the table,
but instead I get this.

It looks like poison.

Don't you take that away.
I'm eating that, damn it.

It is poison, isn't it?

I swear to God, I would
not be surprised if it was,

the way you skulk around here
like a dog who been hit too much

or ain't been hit enough,
I can't make up my mind.

You're useless, Beatrice.

The only thing that pulls its weight
around here is my goddamn truck.

Figures.

[♪♪♪]

What the heck is it, Edgar?

Get your big butt
back in the house.

ALIEN:
Place projectile weapon
on the ground.

You can have my gun

when you pry it from
my cold, dead fingers.

Your proposal
is acceptable.

[ALIEN SCREECHES]

[EDGAR SCREAMING]

[FLESH TEARING]

[ALIEN SNARLING]

[NECK CRACKS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[GRUNTS]

Edgar, what on Earth was that?
Sugar.

I've never seen
sugar do that.

Give me sugar.

In water.

More.

More.

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

Edgar, your skin
is hanging off your bones.

Oh, yeah.

There. Is that better?

[♪♪♪]

[EDGAR GRUNTING]

[COW MOOS]

"The perpetrator
then blinked two
sets of eyelids."

You mean blinked
with both eyes?

No, sir, he blinked one set,
then he blinked a completely
different set.

You know,
like high beams
and low beams.

Was that before or after
he drew the weapon

that you claim evaporated
into a million pieces?

After, sir.

And why is it that none
of the other officers saw
either of these two events?

Well, sir, some of the other
officers are a little soggy
around the midsection.

I guess that's why
they weren't able to keep up.

Hey, Edwards, if you were
half the man I am...

What the hell are you talking about?
I am half the man that you are.

What is your problem?

My problem is you being
all up in my damn face.

I think he threw him off the roof.
Really? Maybe you next.

I wanna talk to you.

Ten minutes, you take
your best shot, tough guy.

Take 10 minutes on a StairMaster,
you pudgy bastard.

I believe you.

Laurel Weaver,
deputy medical examiner.

Find me at the morgue
on 26th. I'll show you.

Wait a minute.
Hey, wait a minute.

KAY: Excuse me,
you're Dr. Weaver

with the coroner's office
working on the John Doe,
right?

Yes, that's right.
Will you look at this, please?

Phew.

Some night, huh?

Yeah, some night.
They were gills, not eyelids.

Gills.
He was out of breath.

Who are you?
Did he say anything to you?

Yeah, he said the world
was coming to an end.

Did he say when?

Would you recognize
that weapon of his
if you saw it again?

Absolutely.

Come on, let's take a ride.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Look, I got tons of paperwork and...

Right, it's all done.
Good work, Edwards.

You really ran this
dude down on foot?
That's tough, kid.

That's double tough.

[♪♪♪]

JAY:
So who exactly are
you with? FBI? NSA?

KAY:
I'm part of a bureau
that licenses, monitors

and polices alien activity
on the planet Earth.

JAY: Yeah, whatever.
KAY: We're here.

This is where we going?
Yeah.

This is Jack Jeebs' spot.
He buys from chain-snatchers.

He doesn't even sell guns.
Really?

All right, look, I'm gonna
slide up in here and I'm
gonna put my thing down,

but when I come back out,
I want some real answers.

Okay, go put
your thing down.

Officer Eduardo.
Hey, how did these get here?

I thought I turned these in
to the proper authorities.

The way I hear it, Jeebsie,
you into something a little
hotter than some stolen Rolexes.

Yeah, well, I'm a huge crack
dealer now, but I still work here
because I love the hours.

I'm talking about guns,
smart-ass. Weird ones.

Come on, Edwards.
What you see is what I got.

[DOOR OPENS]

Why don't you show him
the imports, Jeebs?

Hey, Kay. How are you?

Show him the imports
right now.

I got out of that business
a long time ago.

Why do you lie to me?
I hate it.

Now, just hold on a second.

I'm gonna count to three.

He'll do it, Jeebs.
KAY: One.

That man does not look stable.
Two.

You know what? Talk to me.
He's crazy when he's like this.

He's always crazy.
Why don't you get
a massage?

Take a cruise...

Three.
Drop the weapon.

Put your hands on your head.
I warned him.

Drop the weapon.
You warned him.

Don't make me kill you.

JEEBS:
You insensitive prick.

[♪♪♪]

Do you have any idea
how much that stings?

Show us the merchandise
or you're gonna lose
another head, Jeebs.

[BUZZES]

Mr. Edwards.

Right there,
the one in the middle.

You sold a reverberating
carbonizer with mutate capacity

to an unlicensed cephalopoid,
Jeebs, you piece of...

He looked all right to me.

Must have been
for an assassination.

Who's the target?
You know, I don't know.

Goddamn it, Jeebs.
I don't know.

That's confiscated, all of it,
and I want you on the next
transport off this rock

or I'm gonna shoot you
where it don't grow back.

[WEAPON POWERS DOWN]

Yeah, and...

And I'm gonna be back
to talk about them Rolexes.

[♪♪♪]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

Searching for a handle
on the moment?

I can't help you.

The only comfort
I can offer is my promise

that tomorrow morning
you won't remember a thing.

Yeah, well, that's not exactly
some shit you just forget.

KAY:
You ever seen one of these, son?

[KAY LAUGHING]

She looks over at her
husband, then she sets it
back down in her lap

and she says,

"Honey, this one's
eating my popcorn."

Did you get it?
"This one's eating my..."

Whoa. I gotta go.
Thanks for the egg rolls, kid.

Hey, wait a minute. Who are you?
You see what I mean about tequila?

You're a very bright young man,
James, but you need to lay off
the sauce.

Now, I'll see you
bright and early, 9:00.

Be there or be square.

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Well, well, well.

Moving right in, are we?
Think we own the place?

I got a little eviction
notice for you boys.

Just what exactly do you
think you're doing here?

I'm taking care of your pest problem.
Pest problem?

Pest?
Yeah, you got a hell of an infestation.

You know, I've noticed
an infestation here.

Everywhere I look, in fact,
nothing but undeveloped, unevolved,
barely conscious pond scum

totally convinced
of their own superiority

as they scurry about their short,
pointless lives.

Well, yeah.

Don't you wanna get rid of them?
Oh, in the worst way.

[MAN GASPING]

[EDGAR GRUNTING]

Help you?
Yeah, this dude gave me this card...

Elevator.

You're late. Sit down.

My name is Zed.

You're all here because
you're the best of the best.

Marines,
Air Force, Navy SEALs,
Army Rangers, N.Y.P.D.

And we're looking for
one of you, just one.

What will follow
is a series of simple tests

for motor skills,
concentration, stamina.

I see we have a question.

Yeah, I'm sorry, maybe you
already answered this,

but why exactly
are we here?

Son?
Second Lieutenant Jake Jensen.

West Point
graduate with honors.

We're here because you're
looking for the best of the best
of the best, sir.

[CHUCKLING]

What's so funny, Edwards?
Your boy Captain America over here.

"The best of the best
of the best, sir."

You know, "With honors."

You know, he's just really excited,
and he has no clue why we're here.

That's just...
That's very funny to me.

Y'all ain't laughing, though.

Okay, let's get going.

[TEARS]

[METAL SCREECHING]

Wanna get down on this?

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

[ALIENS GROWLING]

ZED: Edwards,
what the hell happened?

Hesitated.

May I ask why you felt
little Tiffany deserved to die?

JAY: Well, she was the only one
that actually seemed dangerous
at the time, sir.

ZED: How'd you come
to that conclusion?

Well, first I was gonna
pop this guy hanging
from the streetlight.

And then I realized, you know,
he's just working out.

How would I feel if somebody
come running in the gym, bust me
in my ass while I'm on the treadmill?

Then I saw this
snarling beast guy.

I noticed he had a tissue
in his hand, and I realized
he's not snarling,

he's sneezing.

You know,
ain't no real threat there.
Then I saw little Tiffany.

I'm thinking, you know,
8-year-old white girl,
middle of the ghetto,

bunch of monsters,
this time on night,
with quantum-physics books?

She about to start some shit, Zed.
She's about 8 years old.

Those books
are way too advanced for her.

If you ask me,
I say she's up to something.

And to be honest, I'd appreciate it
if you eased up off my back about it.

Or do I owe her an apology?

That was a good shot,
though, right?

He's got a real problem
with authority.

So do I.

But this kid ran down
a cephalopoid on foot, boss.

That's gotta be
tough enough.

Let's hope you know
what you're doing.

Gentlemen, congratulations.

You're everything
we've come to expect from
years of government training.

And now, if you'll just follow me,
we have one more test to administer:

an eye exam.

Where are you going?

Yo. Hey, man,
what the hell is all this?

Back in the mid-1950s,
the government started
a little underfunded agency

with the simple and laughable
purpose of establishing contact
with a race not of this planet.

ZED: If you'll look directly
at the end of this device,
we'll administer the eye test.

Everybody thought
the agency was a joke
except the aliens

who made contact
March 2, 1961,
outside New York.

There were nine of us
the first night: seven agents,
one astronomer

and one dumb kid
who got lost on the
wrong back road.

Oh, you brought
that tall man some flowers.

This way.

They were a group
of intergalactic refugees.

Wanted to use the Earth
as an apolitical zone for
creatures without a planet.

Did you ever see
the movie Casablanca?

It's the same thing,
except no Nazis.

Oh.
We agreed,

and we concealed all the
evidence of their landing.

JAY:
Uh-huh. So these
are real flying saucers

and the World's Fair
was just a cover-up
for their landing?

Why else would we
hold it in Queens?

More nonhumans arrive
every year, and they live
among us in secret.

Look, I'm sorry, not to change
the subject or anything,

but when was the last time
you had a CAT scan?

Six months ago.
It's company policy.

Right, you should
make another appointment.

Look, tell your boy Zed
I had an absolutely
wonderful time,

and thank you for
everything, but why don't
you show me the door?

All right. I'm gonna
get some coffee.
You want some coffee?

No, thank you, I'm fine.
Okay.

[ALL CHATTERING IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[ALL LAUGHING]

How you doing,
fellas?

Hi, Kay.
Hi, Kay.

That's not decaf, is it?
Viennese cinnamon.

KAY:
Don't tell me we only got that
powdered stuff for cream again.

I hate that stuff.

[SPEAKS IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Oh, that's good. Good, good.

You guys getting
along all right?

[ALL SPEAKING IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

KAY:
Well, don't work too hard.

ALL:
Okay. Bye.

So you guys seen...?

Sure you don't
want some coffee?

[ALIENS CHATTERING
IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

KAY:
All right, kid, here's the deal.

At any given time,
there are around 1500
aliens on the planet,

most of them right here
in Manhattan.

And most of them
are decent enough.

They're just trying
to make a living.

Cabdrivers.
No, not as many as you'd think.

Humans, for the most part,
don't have a clue.

They don't want one
or need one either.
They're happy.

They think they have
a good bead on things.

But why the big secret?

People are smart. They can handle it.
A person is smart.

People are dumb, panicky,
dangerous animals,
and you know it.

Fifteen hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth
was the center of the universe.

Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth
was flat.

And 15 minutes ago,
you knew that people
were alone on this planet.

Imagine what
you'll know tomorrow.

What's the catch?
The catch?

The catch is, you will sever
every human contact.

Nobody will ever know
you exist anywhere.

Ever.

[♪♪♪]

I'll give you to sunrise
to think it over.

Hey. Is it worth it?

Oh, yeah, it's worth it.

If you're strong enough.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

What's up, pops?

All right,
I'm in because, look,

there's some next-level shit
going on around here,
and I'm with that.

But before y'all get to
beaming me up, there's a couple
things I want you to understand.

First off, you chose me,
so you recognize the skills.

And I don't want nobody
calling me "son" or "kid" or
"sport" or nothing like that.

Cool?
Cool. Whatever you say, slick.

But I need to tell you
something about all
your skills.

As of right now,

they mean precisely dick.

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKS IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[CHATTERING IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

MAN: Purpose of trip?
ALIEN: Diplomatic mission.

MAN: Duration of stay?
Lunch.

Any fruits or vegetables?

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Please meet your party
outside the containment area.

[GROWLS]

You wanna stay away
from that guy. He's, uh...

He's grouchy.

Three-hour delay in customs
after a trip of 17 trillion miles

is gonna make anybody cranky,
you know what I mean?

Hey, what branch
of the government
do we report to?

None. They ask too many questions.
So who pays for all this?

We hold patents
on a few gadgets
we confiscated

from out-of-state visitors:
Velcro, microwave ovens,
liposuction.

That's a fascinating little gadget.
It's gonna replace CDs soon.

I guess I'll have to buy
The White Album again.

Oh. That is a lot of fun.
It's a universal translator.

We're not even supposed
to have it. I'll tell you why.

Human thought
is so primitive,

it's looked upon as an
infectious disease in some
of the better galaxies.

That kind of makes you
proud, doesn't it? Huh?

Hey, what's this thing?

[JAY YELLING]

[ALL GASP]

JAY: Okay, just be calm.
Just be... Relax.

Okay... Ooh, watch your head.

Somebody get him some ice.

Look out. Move...
Just move when
it's coming at you.

Oh, damn. I will pay for that.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Oh!

[ALIEN SCREAMS]

This thing caused
the 1977 New York blackout.

Practical joke by the Great Attractor.
He thought it was funny as hell.

Sorry, y'all.
It was a accident. Sorry.

KAY:
Observation, the heart
of our little endeavor.

Meet the twins,
Biblup and Bob.

This map shows the location
of every registered alien on Earth
at any give time,

some of them under
constant surveillance.

Everyone on those
screens is an alien.

In public they're as normal
as you are, but in private, well...

You'll get the idea.

Oh, man.

Doesn't make any sense, does it?

Well, no, it makes
perfect sense.

When I was in third grade,
everybody told me I was crazy,

but I knew our teacher
had to be from, like, Venus
or something like that.

Mrs. Edelson. It was Jupiter,
actually. Well, one of the moons.

- -Revolve. Class, be quiet
and pay attention.

If I have to tell you
one more time...

Edwards. Let's put it on.

Put what on?

The last suit you'll ever wear.

[♪♪♪]

ZED:
You will dress only in attire
specially sanctioned

by MiB Special Services.

You'll conform
to the identity we give you,

eat where we tell you,
live where we tell you.

From now on, you'll have no
identifying marks of any kind.

You will not stand out
in any way.

Your entire image is crafted
to leave no lasting memory
with anyone you encounter.

Ow!

You are a rumor,
recognizable only as déjà vu

and dismissed just as quickly.

You don't exist.
You were never even born.

Anonymity is your name,
silence, your native tongue.

You are no longer
part of the system.

You are above the system,
over it, beyond it.

We're "them. " We're "they. "

We are the Men in Black.

JAY:
You know what the difference
is between you and me?

I make this look good.

We're gonna go
for a little ride.

I'll put you down here
for just a minute.

Then Daddy
will be right back.

[CAT MEOWING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[JOINTS CRACKING]

[GRUNTING]

Okay, now we're ready
to go for a little ride.

We're gonna meet
one of Daddy's friends,
and you're gonna like him.

Okay, let's see.

Bee, we've got the deposed
Sir Prefect of Singalee

touching down on the forest
outside Portland tonight.

Humanoid?
ZED: You wish. Bring a sponge.

Here. Red letter
from last night.

We had an unauthorized
landing somewhere in
upstate New York.

Kay, keep your ears open
on this one.

We're not hosting
an intergalactic
kegger down here.

[ALARM WAILING]

Well, well, well,
we got a skimmer.

Landed alien out of zone. Who is it?
Redgick.

He's not cleared to leave Manhattan,
but he's way out of town right now,

stuck on the
New Jersey Turnpike.

Why don't you take
junior here with you?

This is a good one
for him to warm up on.

Go get him, tiger.

[IMITATES ZED]
"We're not hosting
an intergalactic kegger."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Zed. He just...

Unlimited technology
from the whole universe

and we cruise around
in a Ford POS.

Fasten your seat belt.

See, now, we got to work
on your people skills.

You know, you'd get
a much better reaction if
you were a little more polite.

Fasten your seat belt,
please.

Whoa, that was good.
Did you hurt yourself? Oh!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, the red button there, kid.
Don't ever, ever touch the red button.

All right, bub,
that'll be $72, then.

Okay, sweetie, let me
pay the impolite driver.

[GRUNTING]

[MEOWING]

[IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Six is up.

Where is Ivan?

EDGAR:
Gave him a break.

[♪♪♪]

You can kill us both,
but you will not find the Galaxy.

You're right about one thing.

[MEOWING AND HISSING]

You're not going anywhere, pal.

MAN 1:
What's going on?

MAN 2:
Hey, hey, hey, easy.

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

I'd like to see your license
and registration, please.

Like to see your other license
and registration, please.

All right, your resident-alien
card has you restricted to
the island of Manhattan.

Where are you going, Redgie?
Well, it's my wife. She's...

Well, look.

[GRUNTING]

Oh. All right.
Okay, no big deal.

Okay, you come with me, Redge.

And you handle this.
What? Me?

Yeah, it's easy.
You just catch.

Are you sure he knows
what he's doing?

He does it all the time.
Let the man work.

[MRS. REDGICK PANTING]

Okay. Yeah.

[MRS. REDGICK GRUNTING]

Ooh! Kay. Oh...
Damn, man. Kay?
Something's peeking.

Croagg the midwife
is at 54th and Madison.

You're headed out of town,
Redgie. What's going on?

Well, we're meeting someone.
Who you meeting?

Well, it's a ship.
A ship?

I didn't see a departure
clearance for today.

You didn't?
No.

Well, it's... Well, it's an emergency.
JAY: Kay! Kay!

You're doing fine, ace.
What kind of emergency?

What's the rush to get off
the planet all of a sudden?

We just don't like
the neighborhood
anymore.

Some of the new arrivals.
What new arrivals?

Does it have anything
to do with the crasher
from last night?

JAY:
Excuse me, miss.

[JAY YELLS]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Kay, look. Oh, man.

[CHUCKLES]

Congratulations, Redge, it's a...

squid.

JAY:
Kay, man.

You know, it's actually kind of...

[ALIEN GIGGLING]

cute.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[KAY SIGHS]

Anything about that
seem unusual to you?

What would scare
Redgick so badly

that he'd risk a warp jump
with a newborn?

We'll check
the hot sheets.

JAY:
These are the hot sheets?

Best investigative reporting
on the planet.

Go ahead, read The New
York Times if you want to.

They get lucky sometimes.
Thanks, Manny.

Cannot believe you're
looking for tips in the
supermarket tabloids.

Not "looking for."

Found.

[♪♪♪]

Wait a minute, slow down.
Why?

Give her time to get
the wrong impression.

Makes things go
a lot smoother.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Yes, ma'am,
I'm Special Agent
Manheim.

This is Special Agent Black
of the FBI. We'd like to talk
to you about your visitor.

BEATRICE:
You here to make fun
of me too?

No, ma'am. We at the FBI
do not have a sense of humor
we're aware of.

May we come in?

Sure.
Thank you.

Lemonade?
Oh, yes, please.

The chief of police himself came
up to the house and did a full-out
professional investigation.

Took a police report
and writ down everything I said,

from A to Z,
not believing one thing I said.

Sort of poking fun at me.
And they asked me,

"If he was murdered,
how was he able to walk
back in the house?"

I gotta admit to you,
that one got me sort of stumped.

But I'll tell you something right now.
I know Edgar, and that wasn't Edgar.

It was like something
was wearing Edgar like a...

Like a suit...

an Edgar suit.

[LAUGHING]

Dude was that ugly
before he was a alien.

I'm sorry.
Go on.

Anyway, I come to
and he's gone.

Did he say anything?
Yes. He asked me for some water.

Some, uh, sugar water.
Sugar water?

Yeah, I remember that right,
because I thought that that was odd

that he asked me for sugar water
and not lemonade or ice water

or regular water
or tap water.

All right, Beatrice.
There was no alien.

The flash of light you saw
in the sky was not a UFO.

Swamp gas from a weather balloon
was trapped in a thermal pocket

and refracted the light
from Venus.

Wait... Wait a minute.

You just flash that thing,
it erases her memory,
and you just make up a new one?

A standard-issue
neuralyzer.

And that weak-ass story
is the best you can come up with?

All right.

On a more personal note,
Beatrice, Edgar ran off
with an old girlfriend.

You're gonna go stay with
your mom a couple of nights,

you're gonna get over it,
and decide you're better off.

Well, yeah, you know, because
he never appreciated you anyway.

In fact, you know what?
You kicked him out.

And now that he's gone,
you're gonna go into town,
you go to Bloomingdale's,

find yourself some nice dresses,
get yourself some shoes.

You know, find somewhere
that maybe you could get a facial.

And, oh, hire a decorator
to come in here quick
because, damn.

JAY: Yo, Kay, look,
check it out, man.

When do I get my own flashy little
memory-messer-upper thingy?

When you grow up.
Mm. Okay.

Please, not green.

Oh, damn.

I don't suppose you know
what kind of alien life form

leaves a green spectral trail
and craves sugar water, do you?

Oh, wait, that was on
Final Jeopardy! last night.

Damn, Alex said it was...
Zed, we have a bug.

So, what?
We don't like bugs?

Bugs thrive on
carnage, tiger.

They consume, infest, destroy,
live off the death and destruction
of other species.

You were stung as a child,
weren't you?

No, listen, kid, imagine
a giant cockroach with
unlimited strength,

a massive inferiority complex,
and a real short temper

is tear-assing around
Manhattan Island in a
brand-new Edgar suit.

Does that sound like fun?

What's the move?

With the bug in town,
we'll watch the morgues.

[♪♪♪]

[MEOWS]

[MEOWS]

Where do you want
Contestant Number 3?

Just leave it there.

What's with the cat?
Oh, the cat.

Yeah, well, there's a problem
with the cat. Sign here.

What's the problem with the cat?
It's your problem. Heh-heh.

I hate the living.

Shall we?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, my God.

Whoa, buddy, what are you?

Subject was approximately
112 degrees at time of autopsy,

indicating an increase
in body temperature.

Examiner tried to
verify this rectally

only to find the subject
was without a rectum,

which is, needless to say,
really...

KAY:
Weird.

I'm Dr. Leo Manville,
Department of Public Health.

This is Dr. White.

You boys must not
have much of a home life.

We watch the morgues
very carefully, ma'am.

Tell me, do you have something
unusual around here?

I'd say so. Triple homicide.
Mm-hm.

The first body I opened up
was pretty normal,
except he was broken in half.

But when I opened up
the other two, well...

Let me show you.

There's a skeletal structure
at work here unlike anything
I've ever seen before.

KAY: All right,
I'll have a look at this one.

Dr. White, why don't you
and Dr. Weaver check out
the other body, please?

This way, doctor.
This one's even stranger.

I did a full laparotomy.

I started with the lesser
curvature of the stomach,
but we could start

with the gastroesophageal junction,
whichever you prefer.

Let's start wherever
you started at.

Okey-dokey.

Oh.

[CAT MEOWS]

JAY: Is this your cat?
LAUREL: Guess it is now.

It came in with the body.
Okay, dive right in.

I'm sure he won't mind.

[GROANS]

Hm. You have really
pretty eyes.

Thank you.

Okay, you feel that?
Where the pyloric
junction would be?

Push it aside.

Notice anything strange?
Stomach, liver, lungs...

Nope, all fine.
Doctor, they're all missing.

Of course.

Oh, you know, that's obviously
the first thing I noticed.

Well, what I was pointing out

is the fact that there are
no pieces of them left.

Yeah, you know,
so they're intact,

wherever they are,
whole somewhere.

That we can be sure of.
Have we met before?

I'm having the strangest
feeling of déjà vu.

Yeah, me too.
Really?

Okay, do you wanna
know what I really think?
But don't tell that guy.

He looks like he's
under enough stress.

See, I don't think
this body's really a body.

I think it's some
kind of transport unit for
something else altogether.

The question is, what?
Mm-hm.

Is this freaking you out?

No. Pssh! No, girl.

You know what I like to do
sometimes when it's really late?

No.

KAY:
Dr. White.

Um, excuse me.

What do you think?
Very interesting.

She got a real
queen-of-the-undead
thing going on...

Of the body.
Great body.

The dead body.
Oh.

Man, you gonna have to
go look at that thing.

LAUREL: Dr. White?
You recognize him?

Yeah, he looks like the big guy
I saw down at headquarters,

only a little deader.
LAUREL: Dr. White.

What do you think
killed him?

A bug?
Dr. White.

You're up, slugger.
Oh.

Look at this.

JAY:
What the hell is that?

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

[ALIEN GASPING]

Must...

To prevent...

contest.

JAY:
Okay, what are you trying to say?

To prevent...

To prevent struggle?

No. To prevent...

War?

war...

the Galaxy...

is on Orion's...

be... Be...

What is word?
JAY: Bed?

Belt? Orion's belt?

[MEOWS]

"To prevent war,
the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

What the hell does that mean?

Doctor, uh...
Whatever, come here.

Dr. Whatever?

Hey, you guys aren't really from
the Department of Health, are you?

Rosenberg. Aw, damn.

The Arquillians are
not gonna like this.

This guy was one
of the royal family.

I knew it. This is an alien.

And you guys are from some
government agency trying to
keep it under wraps.

Look, he said, "To prevent war,
the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

This makes total sense.
How else do you explain
New York?

The other day, I was in
this cab, and this guy was...

"Galaxy on Orion's belt"
doesn't make any sense.

Look, that's what the little
dude inside the big dude's
head said, right?

Right after... Damn, man.
You did the flashy thing already.

Hey, whoever you guys are,
you're gonna have to show me ID
if you're gonna be in the morgue.

Oh, yes, of course, young lady.
Have a look at this for me, please.

Would you stop that?
What?

That thing is gonna give her
brain cancer or something.

Never hurt her before.
Look, we gotta get all
the doors closed off.

Special Services
will be here any minute.

"Never hurt her before"?
How many times have you
flashy-thinged that woman?

A couple.

So, what, you not worried
about long-term damage?

A little.

Kay, have you flashy-thinged me?
No.

I ain't playing with you, Kay.
Have you ever flashy-thinged me?

KAY:
No.

[♪♪♪]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

Look, Kay, I think
I should be in charge of the
flashy-memory-thing department.

Not while I'm around, ace.

You ain't gonna be happy
till you fricassee somebody's
brain out, man.

All right, we got
two dead aliens.

And a deputy medical examiner
needs a new memory.

Yes, sir.

Make it a happy
memory.

[EDGAR GRUNTING]

[METAL CRUNCHES]

Oh... Oh...

EDGAR:
Where is it?

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Will the owner of a blue
warp-speed cruiser

please report to the front desk?

JAY:
Hey, Zed.

Doesn't anybody ever get
any sleep around here?

The twins keep us
on Centaurian time.
It's a 37-hour day.

Give it a few months.
You'll get used to it.

Or you'll have a psychotic
episode. Here's Orion.

It's a grouping of
the brightest stars
in the northern sky.

And here's Orion's belt.
Right. That's what the little guy said:

"To prevent war,
the Galaxy is on
Orion's belt."

Junior, there are no
galaxies on Orion's belt.

The belt is just these three stars.
Galaxies are huge.

They're made up of billions
of stars. You heard wrong.

Look, whatever, man.
I know what I heard.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[♪♪♪]

[KEYBOARD CLACKS]

Pretty lady.

Uh-huh. Okay.

The grumpy guy's story
is starting to come into
focus a little bit here.

So you were the guy in
that picture you showed
me with the flowers.

Yeah.

And I take it she never
got those flowers.

So, what, she ever get
married or anything?

No.

Ah, well, you know
what they say:

It's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.

Try it.

ZED:
Kay.

Take a look at this.
My God, they're all leaving.

We've had 12 jump
in the last hour.

Redgick was just the first.

What the hell do they
know that we don't?

Why does a rat
desert a ship?

Give me Lem Sat 4,
please, with a proton
induction thermoscan.

Thank you.
Okay, Lem Sat 18.

All right, 4000.

That's an Arquillian
battle cruiser.

And we've got
a dead Arquillian prince.

[ALIEN CHATTER OVER RADIO]

KAY:
And speak of the devil.

They sound pissed.
Boys, translate that. Step on it.

Why don't you get down
to Rosenberg's jewelry store
and see what you can turn up?

Kay.

Give the kid a weapon.

Series 4 De-atomizer.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Noisy Cricket.

Hey, Kay, no, no.
Come on, man.

You get a Series 4 De-atomizer,
I get a little midget Cricket?

Whoa, kid!

Feel like I'm gonna
break this damn thing.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[TOW TRUCK WHIRRING]

Hey, this is my truck.

Yeah, and make sure you tell
them that down at the impound.

Please.

Who breaks into a jewelry store
and leaves all the jewels?

Somebody not
looking for jewelry.

This guy had
a serious crush on his cat.

[GUNSHOT]

Kay, get down.

[YELLS]

[WEAPON CHIRPING]

Man.

That's him. That's the bug
in the Edgar suit.

[WEAPON FIRES]

[JAY SCREAMS]

[WEAPON FIRES]

[SCREAMS]

We do not discharge our
weapons in view of the public.

Man, we ain't got time
for this cover-up bullshit.

I don't know if you've forgotten,
but there's a alien battle cruiser
about to...

There's always an alien battle
cruiser or a death ray

or an intergalactic plague
that's about to wipe out life
on this miserable little planet.

The only way these people
get on with their happy lives

is they do not
know about it.

And don't worry
about the bug.

He's not leaving town.
We got his ship.

JAY:
Excuse me. Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

Zed, we need a containment crew
on Macdougal Street

south of Houston.

Containment may be
a moot point, old friend.

The exodus continues.

It's like the party's over
and the last one to leave
gets stuck with the check.

You sorry little ingrates.

[ALL SPEAKING IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL SINGING IN
ALIEN LANGUAGE]

KAY:
What about the Arquillians?

We've only translated
part of the message so far:

"Deliver the Galaxy."

They don't want much,
do they?

Oh, it gets better.

They're holding us
responsible.

[SNARLING AND GRUNTING]

Where do you keep your dead?
I don't have any dead.

Where?
I don't know.

The city morgue?

That's three for a dollar, sir.

It was some light, some light
that refracted off of Venus

into some swamp gas,
and that's what made the...

KAY: All right, kid.
Excuse me. What's up?

KAY:
The Arquillians want the Galaxy,
whatever the hell that means.

We need help, a professional,

somebody with years of experience
in intergalactic politics.

I just hope the little prick
hasn't skipped town.

MAN [OVER MEGAPHONE]:
Can I have your attention, please?
Thank you.

If you will gather over here...

That's right, move in closer.
That's good. Thanks.

If you'll look right here,
I'd appreciate it.

Thank you.

Now, that's the worst disguise ever.
That guy's definitely an alien.

You don't like it,
you can kiss my furry little butt.

You busy, Frank?
Sorry, Kay, can't talk right now.

My flight's leaving in... Whoa!

Get your paws off me.
Call the pound. We got a stray.

The dog owes
my friend money.

KAY:
Arquillians and bugs, Frank,
what do you know?

I know nothing.
Not a thing, huh? Okay.

[FRANK BARKING]

Stop, stop, stop it.
Okay, okay.

Rosenberg wasn't
some two-bit Arquillian.

He was the guardian
of a whole Galaxy.

They thought he'd be
safe here on Earth.

And the bug had other plans.

The Galaxy is the best source
for subatomic energy in the universe.

If the bugs get their slimy claws
on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye.

Ask him about the belt.

Rosenberg said something
about a galaxy on Orion's belt.
What's he talking about, Frank?

Beats me.
Beats you.

No, no, no, not around.

[BARKING]

They're rehearsing
a ventriloquist act.

FRANK:
The Galaxy is here.

What do you mean, here?

Galaxy's hundreds of millions
of stars and planets.

How's it here?
You humans.

When are you gonna learn
that size doesn't matter?

Just because something's
important, doesn't mean
it's not very, very small.

How small?
Tiny. The size of a marble or a jewel.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I gotta be walked before
my flight.

All right, get out of here.

If the Galaxy's here,
it's not on Orion's belt.

[BARKING]

[MEOWS]

[♪♪♪]

Kay.

[MEOWS]

Boy, when you want attention...

Orion. That's a pretty name.

What's this?

Wow.

[BELL DINGING]

[HISSES AND GROWLS]

Okay. Yes, good, thank you.

Thank you for making sure
the bell works.

What's up, Farmer John?

[GROANS]

A man came in here earlier.
A dead man.

And that means what to me?

It was a very dear
friend of mine.

I believe he had
an animal with him.

It was a gift I gave him,
a pet cat.

It means worlds to me.
I'd like to have it back.

Okay, I'm gonna need a picture ID,
written proof of ownership of the cat,

notarized proof of kinship
with the deceased.

Don't do that.

Do what?

Don't do it.

[♪♪♪]

ATTENDANT:
Oh, man.

[GROWLING]

Look, Kay, why don't you
let me handle this one?

What?
All we gotta do is go in and get a cat.

It's not really that hard,
but if you go in there,

you're gonna lay your
Jack Weeb on her, start flashing
your brain ray all in her face.

She gonna wind up
with leukemia or some shit.
The woman's a doctor.

She don't need you flashing away
half her med-school classes.

Five minutes.
Two minutes.

[♪♪♪]

EDGAR: Where's the animal?
I told you, I don't know.

Well, let's see
if we can find it.

[LAUREL GRUNTING]

JAY:
Hello?

[BELL DINGING]

JAY:
Hello?

Hello?

How you doing?
Hello.

I'm Sergeant Friday
from the 26th Precinct.

A cat came in with
a corpse the other day.

"Orion" on the nametag?
Yes, that's right.

Right. Uh, well, this cat is a...
A witness in a murder case.

I need to take him with me,
ask him a few questions.

Well, I don't know where
the cat is right now.

Oh, you don't?

No, but maybe you could
take me with you instead.

Damn, you do start fast,
don't you?

I'd really like
to go with you. Now.

Uh-huh.
And exactly why is that?

[♪♪♪]

There's something
I need to show you.

Slow down, girl, you ain't
gotta hit the gas like that.

No, you don't understand.
You really need to see this.

Oh, I will, I will.

Oh, one thing: I gotta drive.
You know, it's not some macho trip.

I'm saying, that's just
the way I get down.

Look, stud, you're really
not getting this.

There's something
I need you to help me with.

[GROWLS]

[ALIEN ROARS]

[LAUREL SCREAMS]

Freeze it, bug.
Christ, you are thick.

Look, how was I
supposed to know?

Do I have to sing it for you?

If you weren't coming on like
some drunken prom date...

Oh, God. That is so typical.

Any time a woman
shows the slightest hint
of sexual independence...

How about we shut up?
Let her go, shit-eater.

Listen, monkey boy,
compared to you humans,

I'm on the top rung
of the evolutionary ladder.

So can it, all right?

You're breaking my heart.
Show me your face,
and I'll cure all your ills.

You ever pull wings off a fly?
You care to see the fly get even?

How far do you think you're
gonna get without your ship,

if that's what you call
that piece of space trash
we got locked in the office?

EDGAR: Put your weapons down.
KAY: Never gonna happen, insect.

JAY: It's okay, Laurel.
How is it okay?

I'm saying it's gonna be okay.
Don't bet on it, meat sack.

[LAUREL SCREAMS]

[EDGAR GRUNTS]
[LAUREL SCREAMS]

[LAUREL SCREAMING]

Let me go.

[HORN HONKING
AND TIRES SCREECHING]

God, what the...?

EDGAR:
Come on.

Take me here.
No way.

[GROWLING]

Take me.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey. Come back!

[HORNS HONKING
AND TIRES SCREECHING]

JAY:
He's in a cab.

Don't move, don't move.
don't move.

Hey, man, what? Whoa, whoa.

He's not leaving the planet
in a cab. Let's go.

Come with me.
Put up a bio-net all the
way around Manhattan.

If it's not human,
I don't want it to
leave this island.

Yes, sir.

What do we hear from
our friends upstairs?

Same thing: "Deliver the Galaxy."
The bug's got the Galaxy.

But we got his ship.
He's gotta be looking
for a way out.

[ALARM WAILING]

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Warning: Plutonic fusion detection.

Warning:
Plutonic fusion detection.

What the hell are they
shooting at us for?

KAY:
Arquillian battle rules, kid.

First, we get an ultimatum,
then a warning shot,

and then we have a galactic
standard week to respond.

A galactic standard week?
How the hell long is that?

One hour.

One hour? Then what?

[ALARM WAILING]

JAY:
Aw, that's bullshit.

KAY: Look, kid, to keep
the bugs from getting it,

the Arquillians
will destroy that Galaxy.

And whatever planet
it's on.

You're talking about us.
Heh-heh. Sucks, huh?

KAY: I'm pulling up
the location of every interstellar
vehicle within a hundred miles.

ZED: Already did it.
Frank the Pug took
the last ship.

We got Sneden's Landing
and Throg's Neck.

They're gone.
We have Atlantic City.

Gone.

All right, Bayonne?
Gone.

All right, there's Three Mile Island.
Gone.

Yo.
KAY: Staten Island.

ZED:
Gone, thank God.

Fellas.
KAY: We're running out of time.

If that bug gets off the
planet with that Galaxy,
we're all bug food.

Hey, old guys.

Do those still work?

[♪♪♪]

EDGAR: You're coming with me.
LAUREL: What?

It's a long trip.
I'll need a snack.

Whoa! Ah! Ah!

Wait a minute,
you're taking the tunnel?

You know a better way to Queens?
Man, that thing's gonna be packed.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You remember the little red button?
Yeah.

Push the little
red button.

And you might wanna
put on a seat belt.

Kay. Kay!

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

You know,
you're much too tense.
You're a young man.

You need to relax.
Learn to take some joy
in your work.

Do you like music?

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S
"THE PROMISED LAND" PLAYING]

That's better.

[KAY SINGING
"THE PROMISED LAND"]

All right, now.

Ah, shit.
Ah, man.

[IMITATING GUITAR]

Kay. Kay!

[HORNS HONKING]

You do know
Elvis is dead, right?

No, Elvis is not dead.
He just went home.

[BELL DINGS]

[LAUREL GRUNTING]

You don't wanna eat me.
I'm a very important person
on my planet.

Like a queen.

A goddess, even.
There are those
who worship me.

I'm not telling you
to try to impress you.

I'm just letting you know
it could start a war.

EDGAR:
Good, war. That means
more food for my family.

All 78 million of them.
That's a lot of mouths to feed,
Your Highness.

LAUREL:
You're a wonderful dad,
but I'm staying here.

[GROANS]

[♪♪♪]

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Roaches check in.

They don't check out.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Warning: Eight minutes
to the destruction of Earth.

Eight minutes to destruction.

[ENGINES WHIRRING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right, we'll use pulsar level five
with a subsonic implosion factor.

What?

Just shoot the damn thing
on the count of three.
One, two, three.

[ENGINES HISS]

[METAL CREAKING]

Oh, you idiots!

You don't get it.
I've won.

It's over.

You're milk-suckers.
You don't matter.

In fact, in a few seconds,
you won't even be matter.

You're under arrest for violating
Section 4153 of the Tycho Treaty.

JAY:
So hand over whatever galaxy
you might be carrying,

and step away from your
busted-ass vehicle, and put
your hands on your head.

Okay. Oh, I... I see.

I'll put my hands on...

On my head.

[GRUNTS]

Like this?

[GROWLING]

Kay...

[GROWLING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

That did not go at all
the way I planned.

Whatever happens,
don't let him get on
the second ship.

What? What are you talking about?
Keep him on this planet.

Kay... Kay, where are you going?

I'm gonna get my gun back.

Hey. Hey, bug.
Wait a minute,
I'm talking to you.

You know how many of your kind
I've swatted with a newspaper?

You're nothing but a smear
on the sports page to me,

you slimy, gut-sucking
intestinal parasite.

Eat me. Eat me!

[ROARS]

Kay. Kay!

[ROARING]

Hey!

What's up?

You're just gonna eat and run, huh?
What about dessert? Ah!

Wha...?

That's it?

Where are you going?
This party's just getting started.

Where you going?

Where you going? Ah!

Let me tell you something.

There's only one way
off of this planet, baby,
and that's through me.

[ALIEN GROWLING]

[ALIEN SCREECHES]

[JAY YELLS]

[SCREAMS]

[BRANCH CRACKS]

Hey.

Where you going?

Why you running, huh?
I'm still standing.

Come on, bring it.
Come on, bring it.

[CRUNCHES]

Uh-oh. I'm sorry.
Was that your auntie?

[GROWLING]

Then that must mean that
that's your uncle, then, huh?

You know y'all look alike.

Well, well.

Big bad bug
got a bit of a soft spot, huh?

[CRUNCHING]

See, what I can't understand

is why you gotta come down here,
bringing all this ruckus,

snatching up galaxies
and everything.

My attitude is,
don't start nothing,

won't be nothing.

You need to ease up out of my face
before something bad happen to you.

[WEAPON POWERING UP]

Too late.

[JAY YELLS]

[GROANS]

Zed, call the Arquillians.
Tell them we have the Galaxy.

ZED:
You got it, friend.

Going to get your gun back, huh?
I like this gun.

Yeah, well, while you was
in there playing around,

I was down here
doing all the work.

You know, first I had to bean him
in the head with this big rock.

Then I was gonna hit him
with this 2-by-4.

He kicked me,
and, you know, it hurt.

But then I got to the fire, you know.
I was like "ah" with the fire.

Not bad for your
second day of work, is it?

Well, this definitely rates about
a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.

You should've been
here for the Zeronian
migration in 1968.

Whoa.

I guess you weren't
even alive in '68.

[SCREECHES]

Interesting job you guys have.

Kay, um, look, I know we got
these rules and everything,

but I was thinking,
she did help us bust that bug.

Maybe we didn't
have to flashy-thing her.

Kay, come on, man.
What, who's she gonna tell?

She hang out
with all dead people.

It's not for her. It's for me.

What?

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Stars.

I mean, I never look at
them anymore, but they
actually are quite, um...

beautiful.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, Kay, you're frightening
your partner.

I haven't been training a partner.
I've been training a replacement.

Wait a minute, Kay.
I cannot do this job by myself.

Hey, guys, my apartment
isn't anywhere near here.

It's not even
on the same island.

Days... months... years.

Always face it forward.

Kay...

I've just been down the gullet
of an interstellar cockroach, kid.

That's one of a hundred
memories that I don't want.

See you around, Jay.

No, you won't.

LAUREL:
Hey, Jay.

Zed called.
The high consulate
from Solaxium 9

wants floor seats
for the Knicks-Bulls game.

All right, let's put in
a call to Dennis Rodman.
He's from that planet.

Rodman? You're kidding.
Nope.

Not much of a disguise.

[♪♪♪]

[WILL SMITH'S
"MEN IN BLACK" PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]