All language subtitles for larry.the.cable.guy.health.inspector.2006.eng.1cd.241793.zip

LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR

Hey, what's going on, Donnie?

- Hey, Larry. You wanna play?
- You know what? I can't.

I'm late,
and I gotta get something to eat.

My boss is a dickweed.

Dickweed. Dickweed. Dickweed!

I'm okay.

I love that kid.

Dickweed!

Young man,

do you have
any freshly-squeezed orange juice?

I got your fresh squeeze
right here, grandma.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Name's Larry,
and I'm the health inspector.

Brother, you is out of business.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, Jack Dabbs!
New job keeping you on your toes?

- Is that your idea of a joke, Larry?
- No, I didn't mean it like that.

I just thought...
You know, you're the new guy.

Hey, look, MoonPies.

It's the original
tasty marshmallow sandwich.

I'll give you pick of the litter.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Give the guy in the chair first dibs.

- No, I didn't mean it like that at all.
- Son of a bitch.

Let me help you. Hold on.
Let me help you get through here.

Oh, Larry,
Tatlock wants to see you right away.

Hey, what's up, Tattycakes?

I can't believe what I'm reading.

Oh, man, don't tell me gay bashers
are sending you hate mail again.

The city is being sued

for a damaged coccyx.

- You think that's funny?
- No, I don't think it's funny.

I'm crying on the inside, okay?

Once again, you've defiled and violated

the very citizens
you've sworn to protect.

You weren't even working under
the jurisdiction of this department.

Nobody writes out more code violations
than me, Larry.

And nobody leaves a bigger trail
of destruction in their wake.

Well, it's about time
I'm getting recognized.

I'm not giving you a compliment.

You know, since I can't baby-sit
your inbred hillbilly ass 24 hours a day,

I've decided to assign you a partner.

A partner?
Now, come on, you know I work alone.

I drive alone, I inspect alone,

sometimes I'll even have sex alone.

But never on company time.
That's my policy.

- Anyway, I work alone.
- Not anymore.

Butlin!

- You called me in, sir?
- You gotta be kidding me.

First I lose my promotion
to the pissed-off crippled feller

that's only been here three weeks,

and now you expect me,
a man of my tenure,

to work with a dadgum boy.

I'm Amy Butlin.

So your parents gave you a girly name
to toughen you up. I like that.

I've been very eager
to be part of a collaboration

ever since I graduated
from the Academy.

Really want to get out in the field and...

You ever fart so hard your back cracks?

Oh, man, I gotta get out of here.

Good Lord Jesus
and Dale Earnhardt Jr.,

I am a dadgum ticking time bomb.

That's my partner?

Seriously?

Good luck.

Larry?

Larry, I figured I'd drive.

With gas prices where they are

and American dependency
on foreign fuel at an all-time high...

Hey, Butlin, get in a real vehicle.

Hell's that thing run on?
Strawberry douche?

Park it.

What are you doing?

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey! What are you doing?

I was throwing these items
into your external cargo bay.

Number one,
it's gonna blow out, all right?

And number two,
it's making my truck look trashy.

Butlin, this is the Larrymobile.

You respect the Larrymobile.

Now, I don't want you moving nothing
or touching nothing

without the express written consent
of me, Larry.

We clear?

- Respect the Larrymobile. Got it.
- Climb in.

Come on, son.
You act like you're 90 years old.

Let's go clean up the town.

Now, if you don't mind, Larry,
I would actually prefer shadowing you

from the other side,
from the food prep area.

That way I can take notes
and observe your procedure.

- All right, Butlin, you go ahead.
- Okay.

Morning.

This fish is raw!

What are you trying to do,
poison these folks in here?

- Larry!
- Sakamoto! How you doing, buddy?

Very fine.

But you look good.
You been working out?

- Pushups.
- Well, you do look good.

You try blowfish. Rare delicacy.

Tell you what, I'd rather dip French fries
in my grandma's bedsores.

I don't mean to interrupt,

but may I bring up
Subpart 4-501 of the Food Code?

Believe me,
if Sakamoto made it, I've brought it up.

I'm referring specifically
to the part about

Warewashing Process Evaluation.

The accepted procedure is to expose
a securely-tied remote probe

of a thermocouple or the sensor
of a well-shielded maximum

registering at least 4.8 on the scale.
So, if we could possibly go back...

- Butlin.
- Yes. What?

You ain't gonna believe this,
but there's a snow cone vendor

- out there not wearing a bra.
- What?

Is that a violation?

No, but it makes me
wanna get a snow cone.

Just watch that guy.

What the hell is that?
Smells like deer urine.

It's not deer urine.
I have sensitive contacts.

- Hey, you want a MoonPie?
- No, I'm good. Thank you.

I've got a whole glove compartment
full of them.

I can see that.

- What are you doing?
- I found a buyer for these.

Do you know
how many $400 bottles of wine

we have gathering dust back here?

Would you prefer offering
our customers wine by the box?

I would prefer you don't run
our mother's restaurant into the ground.

Well, honey, the All City Top Chef
is in a few days.

If we win, we'll be fine. I told you that.

You also told me
I could start bartending or waitressing.

- That never happened.
- Well, I mean,

you know, being in charge of security
is a big responsibility.

- You're ashamed of me.
- No. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You wanted me to lose weight,
and I went on Atkins.

You wanted me
to dress for success, and...

Okay. You know what? You're right.

I'll tell you what.

Once we get through the All City,

we'll talk about expanding your role
at Micelli's.

That's my girl.

Hey, let me ask you something.
You think you could make me

- one of them fancy head deals?
- Sure.

Please, Larry, try our chicken dhansak.

- Chicken dans-what?
- It is one of our popular dish.

You don't want me eating that
next to an open flame.

Do you now, or have you
to the best of your knowledge,

ever had an infected wound
containing pus,

such as a lesion or boil
on the hands or wrists?

And has this infected wound
that may or may not contain pus

protected with an impermeable cover
such as a finger cot or a...

Larry, what...

I'm reporting you for that.

Oh, come on, Butlin.
That immigrant food ain't that bad.

You deliberately impeded
my line of questioning.

You undermined me
and made it impossible for me

to carry out my duties.

You didn't see any health hazards
in there.

What you seen
was a bunch of hard-working people.

Now, they may not know how
to speak English good, like what I do,

but they ain't doing anybody
no harm, either.

So I sometimes let them slide
on the small stuff,

and they take real good care,

and then I never have to bust them
on the big stuff.

And your thoughtless actions
resulted in the loss of my contact lens,

which means now I have to go back
to LensCrafters to replace them,

and the mall is nowhere near...

Damn it, Butlin,
respect the Larrymobile.

Lord, are you okay?

Are you all right?

Listen, these mannequins,
it's not your fault.

- They are not very limber.
- Oh, God.

The ones I got at the house, you can
barely get the leg up over the ears,

and they just snap off like a twig on...

Well, I don't do that.
My cousin does that.

Nice work, Jane. Very creative.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to.

Yeah, well, you did.

And enough
with your lame apologies, okay?

- I mean, you sound like a broken record.
- Hey, wait a second.

She had nothing to do
with them chest baskets

- hitting the floors.
- "Chest baskets"?

- Boulder holders.
- "Boulder holders"?

Look, I could do this all day.

The point is,
you gotta buy these and test-drive them

before you put them on.

I mean,
you don't wanna get one, get home,

make your titties all cattywampus.

Good Lord,
makes fellers cross-eyed and whatnot.

- It ain't Christian.
- Right. I'm gonna have to ask you

to vacate the premises, sir.

You hold on a second there.

I'm the health inspector,

- and what we got here...
- Is not food-related.

Well, that depends.

According to the C-section
of the Penile Code,

a lot of these edible underbritches
need to be refrigerated.

Sir, get out.

Out.

I'm really sorry.

Excuse me.
Hey, excuse me, ma'am? Excuse me.

- Hey. I'm Larry.
- I'm Jane. Jane Whitley.

Jane, are you okay?

I didn't cause you any trouble in there,
did I?

Yeah, well, I just got fired.

But when you think about it,

I did kind of deserve it, really.

Don't tell me I got you fired.

- No.
- Oh, thank God.

She said I was lazy and irresponsible

and unreliable.

Well, those sound like
the story of my life, too.

Larry, where have you been?
I've been looking all over for you.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, I didn't mean to interrupt.

I'm not an impeder. This is my partner.

- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
- Not like partner-partner.

Not like gay partners.

He works under me.
We... No, I mean... Damn it.

You're always butling in.

That's kind of funny.
Your last name's Butlin,

so, you see, you're kind of butling in.

It's a joke.

- Big Shug made the Top 10.
- I know.

That All City Top Chef's a big deal.
They's a lot of restaurants in that.

You know, started with 300.
300 pretenders, but only one king.

I'm gonna tell you,
I'm pulling for you, Shug.

You know I am. You know why?

'Cause you dream big,
just like your name. Big Shug.

Just so you know, when I win,
I ain't gonna forget my friends.

Right. I already forget all my friends,
and I ain't never won a damn thing.

You know what I'm gonna do
with that $250,000?

- Hopefully get me four new truck tires.
- Nope.

Man, come on, Shug.
Hook a brother up, playa.

No. I'm gonna open up Big Shug's
all across the country.

- Finally get Whitey off my back.
- Let me ask you something.

Why you gotta call us "whitey"
all the time?

I mean, that's pretty racialistic.

He ain't white.
That's my landlord's name.

Whitey Johnson.
He just as black as me.

I'm just saying.

Tell you what, though,
you got some balls

getting in
that All City Big Chef tournament.

I mean,
they's some good restaurants in there.

You know who had big balls?
My grandpa.

He got stung by a bee
right down there in the testicular area.

Sumbitches swolled up.
I mean, they was infected.

Looked like he was sitting
on a beanbag chair

every time I went over to his house.

We ended up getting him
a testicle tourniquet.

A testicle tourniquet?

- Yeah, a oyster catcher.
- Oyster catcher?

I can do this all day.

Larry, if you're done here,

there are a few items
that require your attention in the back.

Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I gotta take the Browns
to the Super Bowl.

Hey, Larry, the men's room is out of TP.

This is all the butt-wiping paper I need
right here.

- Thank you for your time.
- Sure.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Let me help you, Jack. Here we go.

Now, see how we done that?
That's teamwork right there, buddy.

Appreciate you coming down.

Let me help you out with your beer.

Don't be an asshole, Larry.
My arms aren't paralyzed.

Hey, man, I'm just trying to help out.

So, how's that new partner
working out for you?

Don't even talk about Butlin.

I promised myself tonight Butlin
is staying out of the conversations.

I'll tell you what pisses me off
about Butlin.

You ever see that program,
Sesame Street?

Bert and Ernie, them little fellers.
You ever see them?

- Yeah.
- That was a team, all right?

They got all their work done,
but yet they had dadgum fun.

Butlin is too uptight.

He's loud, he's gross, he's rude.

He urinated in a thermos
on the way to an inspection.

I don't know. You think it might be
'cause of some freak accident

that Butlin was born that way?

I don't know. I probably ought to be
a good Christian about it.

Here I am,
blessed with square-jawed good looks

and firm, muscular buttocks
and good health.

That's the important one, good health.

Gotta have good health,
or nothing else matters.

Shame to have all that

and then Butlin's got this bug
that lives up his ass.

Just ain't fair.

You're talking to a guy
who feels nothing from the waist down

about someone
having a bug up their ass?

It's not that he doesn't know
what he's doing.

I mean,
when there's a serious code violation,

he's quick enough to write it up.

It's just that
he doesn't take the job seriously.

And it's a serious job.

Come on, let me help you out.
You haven't had a drink all...

- Jack, I'm just trying...
- I don't want it.

Have a...

Now, look what you've gone
and done, Jack.

I didn't mean to do that.
I was just trying to help you out,

and you went and spilled it.
Now, just stand still. Oh, damn!

After lunch today,
he told me there was a brown snake

playing peek-a-boo with his butt hole.

I aced Bio. I do not recall brown snakes.

Check it out.

I'm so glad we finally came here.
This place is so amazing.

The best is yet to come.

- I don't have room for dessert, Tad.
- I'm not talking about dessert.

Debbie Goldstein,

will you do me the honor...

- Tad?
- What? That was the chair.

- Just the chair.
- Oh.

Debbie Goldstein...

Oh, my God!

Debbie.

Where's the ladies' room?
Oh, my stomach.

- Oh, God.
- God, that's disgusting!

Almost cleaned up.

My phone's ringing.
I'm gonna leave you these napkins.

Larry's the name,
health inspecting's the game.

Are you serious?

I'm gonna be down there.
Don't touch nothing.

Never mind.

Jack, I'm sorry.
I forgot that you were still in there.

You want me to help you through these?
I'll help you. Okay.

Somebody take care of him.

- Incoming call.
- Butlin.

What?

Health inspector.

Nobody leaves,
nobody enters without my say-so.

Now, we're gonna need
to cordon off the area... What the hell?

Excuse me, sir, we require a jacket.

Well, you're gonna require stitches,
there, Frθre Jacques,

- you don't let me in there.
- You must have a reservation.

I do have a reservation.
Fist, party of five.

Jane? I didn't know you speak Spanish.
That's pretty good.

Boy, you don't waste any time, do you?

Last time I seen you,
you was up at the panty store

with your hands
all over a naked plastic woman.

'Course, you could say the same thing
about me as well.

There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.

Hey, you're that woman from the mall.

Neat.
I'm gonna take some food samples.

Yeah, why don't you go
take some food samples?

She really is your partner-partner.
I just got that.

Wow.

Wow. Pretty and smart.
We do have a lot in common.

Don't you have an investigation
to conduct?

Oh, believe me, I'm conducting.
Believe me.

Butlin!

- To the kitchen.
- Okay.

Larry.

- What are you doing here?
- I'll handle this.

Boss, we was on-call tonight.

We got a call
about some farting Jewish folks.

We responded.

Also, I'm working on this little number
over here in the black skirt.

You're out of your league, numbnuts.

I tell you what.
Why don't you go over to Sizzler

and see if they got enough wet naps?

Yeah, that's hilarious.

- Come on, Butlin. We's off the case.
- What? Why?

Ask Tatlock.

- Wait a minute.
- Oh, God, not again.

Get a whiff of that. That smell familiar?

Yeah.

Yeah, it smells like the drops
I use for my...

- Shit!
- Excuse me?

Oh.

That's what happens when
you put eye drops in someone's drink.

It gives them the wicked shits.

I used to be a barmaid, and we'd do it
to customers who stiffed us.

- Neat.
- Why are you still here?

Boss, listen.
I'm gonna tell you right now.

This might be a put-up job.

I think somebody's putting something
in the water around here.

The only thing
that's gonna get put up around here

is my foot up your ass,
if you do not leave immediately.

- That's an order.
- Yes, sir.

- But how about...
- An order.

- How about...
- Stop.

- If I...
- Don't.

I...

Oh, thanks. I know, it's the dry air.
I get boogers all the time.

No, no, no, that...
That was my phone number.

I knew that.

I would be happy to look into that,
Ms. Micelli.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

- Vera?
- Yes, Mr. Mayor?

Yes, can you pull the file
on Twilight Moments Assisted Living?

I wanna make sure I'm prepared
for the groundbreaking tomorrow.

Thank you.

I could jot down some talking points
on Medicare and prescription drugs

for seniors, if that would be helpful.

- Oh, no, thank you.
- All right.

It breaks my heart that we can't
help these old people anymore.

I know.

Your reservations are also confirmed
for tonight at Micelli's.

Oh, Micelli's. That...
My wife just loves the tiramisu.

It's delicious.

Is there anything else
I can do for you, Mr. Mayor?

- Maybe there is.
- Yes, sir.

Would it be out of line if I asked you
if you could just rub my shoulders?

Yeah, it kind of would.

Well, that's why I didn't ask you.

- If that'll be all.
- Yes, thank you, Vera.

- Thank you, sir.
- See you tomorrow.

What is her problem?

- I'm not happy.
- Oh, man, you got more letters?

Don't worry, boss,
they're just allegations.

I mean, look, you got a wife
that's semi-good-looking,

a couple squirrelly kids
running around the house.

I mean,
that spells "real man" in my book.

There were rat droppings
in the food at Clarito's last night.

Now, that's our finest
five-star restaurant.

We've never had a complaint
about them before.

This comes chronologically adjacent
to last week's incident

- at Les Deux Coquilles.
- Lay who where?

- The French restaurant.
- Your emergency call, remember?

Well, I remember me and the boy here

coming up with some hard evidence
of foul play,

but nobody paid us no mind.

For some incomprehensible reason,

the Mayor's office has requested
that you, specifically you,

be assigned
to investigate the Clarito's incident.

Like the song goes,
you must have friends in high places.

No, that's Friends in Low Places.

- Different song.
- Who sings it?

Look, it doesn't matter, all right?

I don't care what kind of strings
you pulled to get this gig.

Screw this one up.

I'm begging you, Larry.

Did the rodent droppings
have any specific shape or form?

I have been working 10 years
to build the reputation of Clarito's

into a nice, clean, respectable joint.

Look, believe me,
we sympathize, Chef Carmine.

I'm assuming you've never had
a rodent problem like this in the past.

Rats? Are you kidding me?
I mean, I'm mortified.

Well, guess what?

You got a whole nest of them,
big mothers.

Rattus norvegicus.

Norway rats.

Come over to this country from Europe,
I'd say around, oh, 1774.

But there's one thing that concerns me
about these here rats.

Every kind of rat, be it a sewer rat
or a field rat or a rug rat,

is basically a Norway rat.

I thought this rat was the same
as in my bathroom,

regular big city rats.

However, there's one difference here.

Look at the turd-cutter on that thing.
Look at that.

It's too clean. It is too clean.

It don't stink. Nothing.

That only mean one thing.
That there is a lab rat, which means...

Someone planted these rats here.

- Exactly.
- Oh, boy.

Who would besmirch
the name of Clarito in such a manner?

- Who?
- You got enemies?

I only have friends.

Former employees that are mad at you?

- No.
- Ex-wives wanna make you suffer?

No, nobody. No.

How about strippers that said
you'd buy them a new pair of titties

'cause you said something
you shouldn't have said one night

when you was drunk in the bar
and then her boyfriend

threatened to kill you, so you had
to change your phone number,

- and even that didn't work...
- Larry.

Well, I'm just covering the bases.

This is your idea of evidence?

- "The rats' butts are too clean."
- That's right, Tatster.

Case is closed.

However, there's just two little,
teeny pieces of the puzzle we need.

Who done it and why?

This ain't some isolationist event.

- Here's what I think.
- I don't give a rat's ass what you think.

All right?

What is so damn hilarious?

You just said "rat's ass."

I mean, don't you think
that's kind of funny?

I mean, considering we was just talking
about rats' asses.

That is an amusing coincidence.

Out.

Get out!

What's happening?
Are we following up on a lead?

Did we make a break in the case?

If that break in the case
involves me getting some,

- we just knocked it wide open.
- Getting some what?

- Oh.
- That's right.

Seems like your mentor and role model

just got himself a date with Jane,
the waitress.

I'm gonna take her down there
to the buffet at the bus station.

- Sounds romantic.
- Butlin, a man's got needs, all right?

I mean, you ought to know.
Hell, I seen you making goo-goo eyes

- at Big Shug.
- Excuse me?

Don't get all defenseless, all right?
I don't care if you swing the other way.

I mean, come on, I'm not homeopathic.

Are you really taking her
to a buffet at a bus station?

I mean, take her somewhere special.
She'll never see it coming.

Keep burning the midnight oil, Butlin,
all right?

Leave the lady-killing to me.

Hey, Ironsides, I know you're busy.
I don't wanna interrupt you.

But, listen,
you're working the five-star beat, right?

You know,
the one with all the foreign menus

and cripple ramps and whatnot?

- Yes.
- I got a date with this girl Jane,

who's the crθme de la crθme.

And get this.
Butlin wants me to take her down there

to that buffet by the bus station.

- A buffet on a bus?
- Exactly. You believe that?

I wanna take her someplace nice
so she thinks I'm a classy guy.

Can you help me?

I'm not a miracle worker.

Well, obviously not.

If you was,
you'd have got up out of that wheelchair

and kicked my ass a couple weeks ago.

Seriously, I need something fancy.

- Yeah, I might know a place.
- Cool.

- Micelli's.
- Hey, it's Jack Dabbs.

Well, hello, Jack.

My colleague Larry is coming in tonight.
Take care of him, okay?

I most certainly will.

Hi.

I can't believe
you got a reservation here.

I think it takes, like, months
to get a table.

Not that I would know.
I mean, I don't really get out that much.

Well, doors open
when you're with Larry.

How you doing, partner?

Listen, called earlier,

talked to Franηois, Antonio,
something or other.

But they had saved me
a couple seats down here.

I don't think so, sir.

Well, I'm sure they did.
Can I look in your little fancy book?

Yep, there I am right there.

- That's you?
- Yes, sir.

- Denzel Washington?
- Yeah.

I own Denzel's Leaf and Lawn Service.

You know what,
you ought to come down there.

You look like a guy
that would appreciate getting blowed.

Larry, it's okay.
We don't have to eat here. We...

- Larry, isn't it?
- Well, lookie here.

- It is so nice to see you.
- Mayor, how are you?

Actually, that's Denzel Washington.

How dare you?

This man
is a hardworking public servant,

and you have the audacity
to put him down like that?

I didn't. It was him, sir.

Mr. Mayor,
please accept my sincere apologies.

- I'll take you to your table.
- I am sure you will.

See you later. Come on, baby.

I'm so hungry
I could eat the butt hole out of a skunk.

I dropped my balls.

I'll get it.

Usually, a feller's balls don't drop
till he's 65.

Larry.

- Good evening. I'm Lily Micelli.
- Larry!

- Hello. Hi.
- What the hell?

How are you doing?

- Fine, thank you.
- Wonderful.

Larry, this is Lily Micelli, the owner.

- Miss Machiavelli, how are you?
- Very well, thank you.

You run a nice restaurant in here.

Let me ask you something.
Do you got one of them toilets

where it shoots cold water
up your crack?

When I heard that
a member of our Health Department

had been mistreated by one of our staff,

- I was appalled.
- No, don't worry about that.

I wouldn't let myself in, either.

Not even if somebody
would've slipped me a fifty.

- Not even then.
- Oh, that's very generous of you.

Now, I would really hope
that you would accept something

from our premium wine cellar.

Oh, boy, that's the fancy stuff. Yeah.

Fill her up.
You're living in the big time now.

No wonder you're making money.

- Just taste the wine, Larry.
- Oh, yeah.

Boy, that is good.

I feel so comfortable with you.

You know what?

Other than my underbritches
creeping up on me,

I feel pretty comfortable
around you, too.

Oh, I probably
should have told you this before,

but I didn't think we'd...

- What is it?
- I...

I live with someone, sort of.

Boy, that figures.

A guy like me
doesn't end up with a piece...

Nice, wonderful, intelligent,
career-minded woman

such as yourself.

I knew
there had to be a catch somewhere.

No, no, no, no. There's no catch.

- It's just...
- Well, what is it?

Okay, if I let you in,

you just have to promise
not to be judgmental.

Shoot, I have seen some twisted stuff,
all right.

Whatever you got going in here,
believe me, I can handle it.

I remember
one time I had a cottage cheese...

Larry, this is my mom.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

"Nice to meet you, ma'am."

Mom, Larry works
for the Health Inspection Unit.

As what? A warning sign?

"Eat right, or you'll end up
looking like this piece of shit."

She's a little shy around new people.

Shy? Oh, man, I love sassy fat chicks.

Well,
look at this silver-tongued bastard.

Trying to sweet-talk me
like I'm his third cousin.

Hey, Pabst Blue Ribbon.
My kind of girl, right there.

So,

how did you become a health inspector?

I mean, working for the government,
it must be so exciting.

Well, I gotta tell you,
keeping people from blowing chunks

and crapping on themselves

is pretty much all I ever been good at.

I mean, nobody really knows
the responsibility I carry around.

But you must have dreams
and aspirations.

Boy, I gotta tell you,
I don't really have a lot of dreams.

Had one a couple weeks back
after I left the bar

- and had some of that skunky beer.
- Oh, yeah? What was it?

Big, giant woman
made out of MoonPies.

She looked a lot like Lulu
from Hee Haw.

I don't have that dream about her
no more, though.

No? Who do you dream about now?

Little bit smaller girl.
Looks a little bit like you.

In a MoonPie bikini.

Any chance you didn't hear that?

Listen, I apologize.
I gotta run to the toilet.

My stomach ain't felt this bad
since I had them fish sticks

out of the vending machine
at the Phillips 66.

It's down the hall,
the first door on your left.

I appreciate it.

Oh, damn.

- Is everything all right in there?
- Everything's fine. Everything's good.

Good Lord Jesus and his shepherds.

Are you serious?

- Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah. Might need a Shop-Vac in there,

but I'm doing pretty good.

Well, it's getting kind of late.

Yeah, but not too late
for a man and a woman

to get to know one another.

Let me tell you something.
When I seen you through the window

down there at the panty store,

I said to myself, I said,
"Self, that's your someone, right there."

I bet that left a mark.

Sounds like you got something honking
for the right of way.

Larry, I think you should go.

Yeah, it is getting kind of late.
Maybe I ought to leave.

Okay. Nighty-night.

I'm gonna tell you something.
This ain't no coincidence.

I mean, this whole thing
has been planned and organized.

I wouldn't be surprised
if the sumbitch was pre-medicated.

- What are you saying?
- The crimes.

I mean, it's the same mojo apperandi.

Evidently, somebody's got a grudge

against high-class,
hoity-toity restaurants.

Like a pressure group of angry vegans?
Or maybe it's PETA.

Damn it, Butlin, you mean to tell me
you know the name of the guy

and you haven't even told anybody?

It's People for
the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

You're talking crazy talk now.

I tell you what, we get a reservation list
from all the poisoned restaurants,

we'll find our poisoner.

That's certainly one way to go,
but we do need a backup plan.

A backup plan?
Butlin, let me ask you something.

Did Patton need a backup plan
at Gettysburg?

Oh, God.

Did what-you-call-her
have a backup plan

down there at Custard's Last Stand
with the Mexican?

Or better yet, did my friend Donnie
have a backup plan

when he shaved his pubes
with a rusty kitchen knife?

Okay, no backup plan.

Glad we understand each other.

Okay, there you are.
Our entire database at your disposal.

Database. Right.

And my last month's reservations
are in a separate folder.

- Oh, cool, you got a folder.
- Yeah.

Right. Now, look,
I'll leave you here to your investigation.

I've got an appointment
with my crab supplier.

Yeah, I had an appointment with mine
a couple weeks ago.

She denied everything.

I ought to be on Leno.

What the hell?

"Them handcuffs left a mark!"

Well, now.

What in tarnation?

Get a good look?

Mom, I didn't know you was here this...

I work here, all right?

I'm with the Health Department.
That's my badge right there.

Yeah? All right.
Maybe you are who you say you are.

And maybe you are who you said you...

What the hell are you, exactly?

I make sure
Micelli's is free of undesirables.

We have a lot in common, then.
Let me ask you something.

What do you find is the best way
to get rid of rat turds?

Take a walk, crumb cop.

She was so ugly,

she could have trick-or-treated
over the telephone.

I wasn't scared of her, though.
I was scared for her.

If she'd set me off,
I'd have come down on her

with one of them pile drivers, and then...
Nailed a bionic elbow on her.

What's a bionic elbow?

Oh, for Pete's sake,
don't tell me you don't watch wrestling.

Not so much.

Dadgum it, Butlin,
what kind of man are you?

I was unable to find any matches
between the reservation lists

at Clarito's and Les Deux Coquilles,

and you couldn't find anything
at Micelli's.

Oh, I found something, all right.

Found out old Lily Micelli ain't as prim
and proper as she makes out.

Yep, she's a regular Girls Gone Wild

with them dirty e-mail.

- How does that help us?
- I don't know how it helps you,

but it helps me in my decision
on getting one of them computers.

Larry's the name,
health inspecting's the game.

No. Are you serious?

Don't touch nothing. I'll be right there.

Hold on, Butlin,
make sure we got the right address.

Are you kidding me?

Now, Gaz, there's really nothing wrong.

- So a few people got sick.
- Just a few.

All right, all right,
so maybe some people vomited

- in the parking lot.
- "Vomited"!

Maybe there was something wrong

with the way the food was prepared
this evening.

Sod this for a game of soldiers.
I'm slinging me hook!

Now, Gaz, please.

Now, the All City
is just around the corner.

We went to great expense
to bring you here.

Butlin?

Looks like a casting call
for Zorro, the Gay Blade in here.

- Let's get out of here.
- I don't give a toss

about your poxy chef contest.

About your poxy chef contest.

- Well, yes, it's a very...
- Just sod off!

Think my buddy Big Shug
is gonna love this.

I cannot wait to call him.

These fancy restaurants
is dropping like flies.

Big Shug.

Who now has a chance
at winning the All City,

now that all the competition
has fallen victim

to mysterious outbreaks
of food poisoning.

Butlin, don't you even say
what I think you're fixing to say.

- Oh, the motive's right there.
- What, a pepper shaker?

It's right in front of your face,
and you don't wanna see it.

You wanna close your eyes
and pretend it's not happening.

That's what she said.

You think Big Shug can't possibly
be guilty because he's a friend of yours.

- You know how I spend my days?
- Not at the gay bar, that's for sure.

I spend them
reassuring the people of this city

that the outbreak of poisonings
is under control.

That the department's on top of it.

That people don't have to worry

when they go out to eat
at their favorite restaurants.

Sir, we had a lead that we were
pursuing vigorously. Unfortunately...

Quiet, Butlin!

The only reason you're on this case

is to help me
get this gun-toting redneck fired.

"Gun-toting"?
Wait a second, I ain't got guns no more.

I got rid of them
when Donnie broke into my truck

- and shot himself in the nuts.
- Donnie? Who the hell is Donnie?

He's my semi-retarded neighbor.

However, he might be full-blowed
retarded. I ain't figured it out yet.

He's a good kid, though.

You know, I hear tell he just got a job
down there at the theaters,

ripping tickets and sweeping floors
and whatnot.

- He's doing pretty...
- Shut up.

The city attorney tells me
you're one legitimate infraction away

from having your ass tossed out
on the street.

I want you to go out there
and bring me back results

without breaking any rules,
or you're done.

End of story. End of Larry.

Using all my years of experience
on the health beat

and my intuition and ability
to follow the thought processes

of the criminal mind,

I will now point to the next restaurant

on the poisoner's list.

So we go and tell the owners
of the Office Kingdom

that a brilliant mixture
of science and mathematics

has determined
they're the next likely victims?

- We go and tell the Fatted Calf.
- That's it, the Fatted Calf.

But we don't.
We get an undercover agent to do it.

That's a great idea.

I'll do it.

Butlin? Listen, I don't know
how to tell you this, all right?

So I'm just gonna come out and say it.
You're not exactly undercover material.

At least, yet.

Butlin, imagine, if you will,

we're in one of the nicest restaurants
in the city right here.

For sake of argument,
let's call it Le Larry.

Hello, welcome to Le Larry.
I'm Amelia, your server.

May I interest you two in a selection
from our wine cellar?

The '91 cabernet sauvignon
would be great.

- Good choice.
- Hey, Larry!

- Do you want to play?
- I can't right now, Donnie. I'm working.

Let's play!

- Oh, my God! Is he okay?
- I'm okay!

Attaboy, Donnie!

Yeah, don't worry about him.
He does that all the time.

Oh, remember when he... He got
in this fart contest a long time ago,

and they was... He was farting
a song, Jimmy Crack Corn,

and he got a little...

Larry, can we get back on point here,
please? Thank you.

Oh. Sure.

Well, look at the little feller
we got waitressing on us.

Hey, little feller.
Why don't you run and get us

one of them nice Boone's Farm wines?

It don't matter what flavor.
We're not picky here at this table.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever...

Le Larry is a classy place, okay?
We don't serve Boone Farm.

Damn it, Butlin.

People been drinking
Boone's Farm wine in this country

ever since the Lord cometh over here
on the Mayflower over 100 years ago.

Jane, I'm sorry you had to get involved
in this gigantic waste of time.

Larry, I have a case to work.

Come on, she was trying.

Butlin. Butlin!

- What?
- I wanna tell you something.

You're raw. You is raw.

But you know what you got? Balls.

You got balls, and that's what it takes
to be a health inspector.

- Thanks, Larry.
- Damn right.

Butlin, I bequeath to you
this microphone cord and earplug

so you can go undercover
in the Health Department.

Test 2. Roger 9 to Butlin.
Butlin, is this on? Can you hear me?

Butlin.

Butlin, turn your microphone on!

- Testing, testing.
- All right, Butlin, listen,

you need to be a chameleon. Blend in.

Okay. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry about that.

One thing you do not want to do
is stand out.

Oh, God!

- Sorry.
- Butlin, good Lord, what happened?

Sounds like you're a bull
in a Chinaman's shop in there.

I had front-row tickets to Nugent,
and he wasn't as loud as you.

Shut up, Larry.

Hello, sir.

For tonight's specials,
we have sautιed trenne

with beef Bolognese,
peacock kale and parmesan.

Butlin, it's not Bolognese, it's bologna.

I understand you have
a particularly impressive squab.

Hey, Butlin,
he's checking out your package.

What did you do?
Get a chubby when you went in there?

Think about... Think about baseball.

Can't believe you're the only feller
who'd get a chubby on an undercover.

Damn it, I am a woman.

I have breasts.

They may not be especially large,
but they're perky,

and my nipples could cut glass!

What? No, no, no.

Oh, Mayor Gunn.

Don't beat yourself up, Butlin.

Undercover ain't something
you master overnight.

I remember one time
they sent me down there to Hooters

and had me acting
like a drunken, loud-mouthed slob...

- Larry, the Mayor's here.
- Where?

He just walked into the kitchen
with Chef Leon.

Butlin, wake up and smell the cat box,
for God's sake!

- What are you talking about?
- The Mayor! Don't you get it?

Now he can see us at work.

Only we're gonna get a big promotion
for this.

- Monsieur, I cannot do this.
- Oh, of course you can.

It's just a little sprinkle here.

You're asking me to poison the food
that I took so long to prepare?

Oh, no, no, no, Chef.
Not at all, not at all.

If I do this, no one must ever know.

Thank you.

Larry, did you hear that?

Larry! Larry!

Excuse me. Were you eavesdropping
on my conversation?

- No.
- Are you with the press?

No!

Sodomite! Sodomite!

You have brought shame to our family.

Flaunting yourself
in front of the imperialist swine,

leaving me to do nothing
but fend for myself at the house

with nothing but a goat for company.

- You heard all that, right?
- Oh, I heard.

- You got it all on tape, right?
- I got it.

- So what are we gonna do?
- Oh, we're gonna nail the Mayor.

He is going down faster than a bottle
of Vicodin at Courtney Love's house.

I have died and gone to Larry heaven!

Look at that 10-point buck!

Congratulations, son.

I'd pat you on the back,
but you shot me in the neck.

A talking buck?
I ain't never seen nothing like that.

I even got my own jukebox.

Gonna play me a song.

Hot damn! Kid Rock!

I got the boat full of gas,
cooler full of beer.

Let's go kick some bass.

Good Lord, the Virgin Mary
and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I'm going fishing with Kid Rock.

Hey, Larry, sure you don't wanna
catch something a little hotter?

- Jane?
- Nice rod.

She said rod.

Got a major dilemma here.

One hand,
Kid Rock wants to take me fishing.

But on the other hand,
I got Jane, who's a girl,

and apparently wants to get naked
with me in a biblical way.

Don't know what to do.

Gonna have to make this decision
on your own.

Come on, Larry. What are you, queer?

- The deer makes a good point.
- He does at that.

- Come on, dear.
- Yes!

Not you. You.

Man, this is gonna be a good day.

I'm just saying
there's a case for exercising caution.

And I'm saying

there's a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon
right back there in the back

that I'm gonna open up
when we put the Mayor away.

And you know what?
You can't have any of it

if you keep talking
about gathering more evidence.

I just think that...

Here's what you need
to be thinking about.

You need to be thinking about
a cool little catchphrase to say

- when we get him.
- What do you mean?

Well,
you gotta have a cool catchphrase.

I mean, it's in the rule book.

Like that time
I busted that chef at the Golden Goose

for dealing drugs in the kitchen.
I said, "Your goose is cooked."

So what do we say to the Mayor?

"We're from the Health Department,
and we'd like to talk to you."

Tell you what, Butlin,
I'll handle the catchphrase.

How do you answer charges
that you've been an ineffective mayor,

that you've mainly devoted yourself
to finding ways

to contribute to your own bank account?

Well, everyone knows that
I'm a tireless campaigner for this city.

The people,
they know what kind of man I am.

Health Department!

- Sir, I tried to tell them...
- It's okay. I know these people.

Anything I could do
to help the Health Department.

- Let's get a picture.
- Picture?

You poisoned all them restaurants.

You know what you is?

You're a damn
restaurant-poisoning mayor.

We have evidence that you're behind
the incidents at Les Deux Coquilles,

Clarito's, Bottle and Micelli's.

Yeah, just what she said,
every one of them.

Evidence? Incidents?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Turn that thing off.

"Don't know what we's talking about."

Maybe this little tape recorder I got
will refresh your memory a little bit.

Oh, Larry, right there.
Right there, that's perfect.

You need it higher? I can go higher.

Oh, damn. Wrong side.

- I cannot do this.
- Oh, of course you can.

It's just a little sprinkle here.

You're asking me to poison the food
that I took so long to prepare?

Leaves a bad taste in your mouth,
don't it?

Not as good as the Golden Goose,

- but pretty good.
- That was a good one.

That was Chef Leon.

I was asking him to garnish my
chicken piccata with French's Mustard.

But he's such a perfectionist,
he said no.

He didn't wanna ruin his masterpiece.

French's Mustard, chicken pickoters...

You're a drowning man, Mayor Gunn.

- Drowning man!
- Chef Leon, it's Mayor...

Chef Leon, Larry. Health inspector.

Yeah, I'm up here
with your partner-in-crime,

soon-to-be ex-Mayor Gunn.

He is singing like an autistic choirboy
at the American Idol.

Told me the whole story.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

So that French's Mustard
really tastes that good on it?

No kidding. Yeah? No, no.

No, I don't feel like an idiot at all.

No, we're... No. Matter of fact,
I'm gonna run and get some.

Oh, yeah, we was just talking about how
it tastes and stuff, good and all that.

Yeah, to... I gotta go.

This is hard to swallow.

Don't worry about it, Butlin.
We'll be all right.

No, no, that was my cool catchphrase.

"It's hard to swallow."
Swallowing is impeded.

Chef Leon, it's Mayor...

- Chef Leon, Larry. Health inspector.
- Cripe's sake.

Nice work, Jane.

This is the guy you were thinking
about letting in your pants?

Looks like he has trouble
getting into his own pants.

Oh, my God!

- Shut up already.
- Mom, enough!

Come here.

You accused the Mayor.
You had no evidence.

I had a gut feeling.

Man, it might have been indigestion,
actually.

Well, you've been an embarrassment
to this department a long time,

- but now you're officially a liability.
- That's harsh.

I wore the wire. It wasn't his fault.
I thought the Mayor was guilty, too.

This was your first assignment.

You're only guilty
of secondhand stupidity.

MoonPie?

Can't believe I actually got fired.
That sumbitch.

After all I've done for this company,
for them to go ahead...

Hey! What the...

Hey, that's my truck!

Now it is officially a sucky day.

Whatever it is, it can't be so bad

a plate of chicken and waffles
can't make it go away.

You don't even know.

I even deep-fried the coleslaw
just the way you like it.

Man, Shug, I screwed up.
I lost my thing.

Your virginity?

No, I lost that
when I was horseback riding

when I was 10.

No, I lost my nose for the truth.
That's what I did.

You know what,
you gonna laugh when I tell you this,

but I actually thought
at one point in time

that you was the one behind all the
food poisonings at these restaurants.

I didn't say you did. I was just...

You're gonna laugh about this
in the morning.

What the hell?

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
Mr. Mayor. This is for you.

Hi, Larry.

Hey, Donnie! Thank the Lord.

Hey, you wanna play some ball?

You have misrepresented
a deeply-loved public official.

Dickweed.

Larry, it's Jane.

Larry?

Larry, open the door.

What do you want,
you backstabbing backstabber?

You're drunk.

Well, I may be drunk,

but in the morning I'll be sober.

And you'll be
a backstabbing backstabber.

But tomorrow, I'll still be drunk.

Hey, why don't you just go run over
to your buddy, the Mayor?

Larry, open this door, or I'm gonna call
the police and have them break it down.

You ain't the first woman
to make that threat.

However, you are the first one
to make that threat to get in here.

Get me the police.

Hello, police?

Hello? I'm standing outside

114 Sycamore Street.

Another lie.

Boy, I tell you what,
lies just fall out of your mouth

like stuff that falls
out of people's mouths when they lie.

Larry, what are you talking about?
I've never lied to you. Never.

You are so busted, Jane.

If that's even your real name, Jane.

I mean, I seen you canoodling
with the Mayor What's-his-toes.

Oh, good... Do you even know
what canoodling means?

Yes, I do know. Canoodle. To canoodle.

- Wow.
- I don't know.

You are an idiot!

You know what?
I may be, but tomorrow...

You'll still be an idiot.

Amy called me.
She told me what happened.

She didn't believe
the Mayor wasn't involved,

so she asked me
to go on a date with him

to see if I could get him to do
or say anything incriminating, okay?

You get it, dumb ass?

Damn, girl, what got into you?

Why, you're more fired up
than Rosie O'Donnell at the titty bar.

I don't know.
Listen, listen, the Mayor gave me this.

He told me to expect
a hot personal message from him.

'Course, I gave bigballer23
a fake address.

- Who?
- Bigballer23.

That's His Honor's
super-secret address

for his super-secret little affairs
with super-stupid girls.

Bigballer23.

Larry!

Bigballer23.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Well, I hope
you got good insurance, man.

These punks sure did a number
on your truck.

Are you serious?

You know how much money
I put into that truck?

Unbelievable.

Are you kidding me?

Sweet! They didn't even touch it.

Unbelievable.

Hey, what are the odds of this?

Somebody steal your truck,
and it looks good as new.

It's unbelievable.

You know what that is?

That's a miracle
from the Lord Jesus himself.

I'm gonna start going to church
every Sunday 'cause of this.

Except for next Sunday,
'cause I got a fishing tournament.

Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh, I got that kind of face.

People are always getting me confused
with guys that cheated on their wives

in the Port-O-Let at Daytona Beach
during the Budweiser Shootout

at about 4:00 in the afternoon...

No, no, I know where it is.
Micelli's. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, my wife and I went there
the other day for dinner.

Yeah, you were there. Couldn't get in.
The Mayor stood up for you.

- That's cool.
- Yeah, I was up there at Micelli's.

Let me ask you this, how long
did it take you to hit the Mylanta bottle

after you got sick up there?

From the food.
After you got sick on the food.

I didn't get sick.

Yeah. We had friends join us later.
They didn't get sick, either.

That's interesting.

Mr. Mayor. Expecting somebody else?

Larry, this is ridiculous. Look around.

I got security men all over this park.

One false move from you,
they'll be handcuffing you to the bench.

Well, that'd give us something else
in common, wouldn't it,

bigballer23?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Bet your wife would know.
- Please, don't upset my wife.

Larry, is there anything
I could do for you?

I could use some free rental
on bowling shoes on Saturday.

I could do that.

What does that have to do
with you recommending me

for the fancy restaurant beat?

Yes, someone did recommend you,
but I had nothing to do with it.

Who did it?

No, no, careful with the shirt.
It's a Donald Trump.

Are you kidding me?

I didn't even know
he had his own collection.

Wait a minute. Who did it? Who did it?

Lily Micelli?

The owner of the restaurant?

Yep.
Seems like the Mayor and the Mudcelli

were making a little weenie linguini.

And she asked him to recommend you
for the five-star restaurant beat?

That's right. Notice when I got the gig,
she stopped dilling his pickle.

- "Dilling his pickle"?
- Look, I could do this all day.

But why would Lily Micelli
want the Mayor to put Larry on the job?

- Because she wanted a sucker.
- That's right.

And when she couldn't find one,
she got me.

Well, you was half-right, Butlin.
Look at that!

You thought Big Shug was the one
knocking out all the competition.

Right idea. Wrong poisoner.

- I always knew he was innocent.
- No, just wait.

Larry, when we ate at Micelli's,
we got sick, remember?

My mom
will still not go near that bathroom,

and she got it re-grouted.

That reminds me.
Tell your mom I need to go down there

to housewares and pick her up
some new kitty cat dishtowels.

Larry, we need evidence.

If I accuse someone else
and I'm wrong again, I might just...

End up like me.
Butlin, you have done a tremendous job.

And I don't need you
risking your neck no more.

This is my problem.
I'm gonna clean it up.

How?

You can't go anywhere near Lily
or the All City

without Tatlock going ballistic.

We'll see about that.

The prize? $250,000.
But more than just money,

the All City is the Super Bowl
of cook-offs.

Once there were 10, now there are two.

A strange, controversial
series of events

has left us with
Big Shug's Tasty Chicken and Waffles

and Micelli's.

A classic David versus Goliath
showdown.

Judging tonight's event is the reigning
Miss Tri-County, Sung Yoo,

Channel 13 Food Critic Ted Baily,

and star of Leave It to Beaver,
Jerry Mathers.

And last, but certainly not least,
the finest mayor this city has ever had.

Please, put your hands together

for the honorable Mayor,
Maurice T. Gunn!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

On an undercover,
a feller can live or die

by the credibility of his disguise.

What do you think, Schmoolie?

I knew it. I look too much
like Russell Crowe, don't I?

Ms. Micelli, Mr. Shug,

you know what your mission is.

To make a starter fit for a king
in three minutes.

Are you ready? Let's go!

And we're off. Ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've all been waiting for.

It's uptown versus downtown,
the boxer versus the puncher,

high society versus high cholesterol.

Holy Coke nails, Batman!

Larry, how's it coming in there?

What do you think?
Think it makes me look fat?

You're under arrest.

You is under arrest for violations
of Code 9.

Freeze, Mucelli!

No, you're right. I don't like it.

Micelli, a vision of loveliness.
"Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson."

Gotta tell you,
I'd eat Big Shug's underwear

if he dipped it in batter
and dropped it in some grease.

I don't know, Schmoolie.

I don't think they're gonna buy into
this ridiculous outfit, either.

Hey.

Folks, you have to wonder,
how does Micelli stay so poised,

and where did Shug
find that much lime-green fabric?

Be that as it may,
Round 1 has come to an end.

The crowd is on the edge of their seats,
ripe with anticipation.

Five, four, three, two, one.

What's the over-under on that?

Okay, I'll take two dimes on Houston.

Okay!

Golly gee, that's pretty high.

Folks, you can cut the tension
with a knife.

Judges, have you reached a decision?

The Beave
appears to be phoning this one in.

Yes, we have.

We award the starter round to
Big Shug's Tasty Chicken and Waffles.

Down goes Micelli.

Big Shug delivers a big upset,
and the crowd loves it.

Look at them.
They can't get enough of this guy.

Oh, that is a... That is quite a surprise.

Do you mind
if we get a picture together?

There you have it, folks.

Big Shug, clearly the underdog,
comes out swinging.

That's fantastic. That's just fantastic.

You looking at my breasteses?

Let's have a big hand for Big Shug,

clearly the dark horse
of this event so far!

Clearly

the underdog, the winner!

Let's go on to the next round...

If we don't win the next round,

you're all going to be getting
phone calls from the INS tomorrow.

- I was born here.
- That's what you think.

Oh, God, I hate the chicken man.

The chicken man, the chicken man.

He can't win because he's a joke.
He's here because he's a joke.

That's why he's winning.

Because you got lazy.
You got complacent.

Oh, shut up, uni-brow!

Now, look, I've gotten rid of the rest
of the competition here.

I can certainly get rid
of Chicken Not-so-little.

No, no, no. Look,

we know that whatever they give him
to cook, he's gonna deep-fry.

So what we'll do is we'll just drop
a little emetic in his grease, right?

And it's game over.

Larry.

Oh, damn.

Larry?

This is hard to swallow.

Good catchphrase. No?

Freeze! Health Department.

Freeze! Health Department.

- You're going down, you piece of crap.
- Not me, I'm a floater!

Say so long to the toilet.

Do you know what this is?

80 cc's of ipecac
in a Bolton-Serta model 25A

- plastic disposable syringe?
- No.

It's the same poison I used
to ruin the reputation

of every four-star restaurant
in this town.

And now it's gonna go
straight up your ass.

Eat it!

Eat it!

It's okay, it's okay. I got you.

It's okay, it's okay. I got you.

Okay, all right, happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts.

Do you like that, huh?
Take that. Take that one, too!

Don't mess with Hasidic Larry.

Oh, I think I hurt my nuts.

Anything you wanna say to me, boss?

- Or should I say confess?
- Confess?

Are you out of your...

You was in on this thing
all from the beginning.

When I showed up there at Micelli's,
you had her give me the squirts.

That ain't very Christian, especially on
a night when I was fixing to get some.

On a first date? I don't think so.

Yeah, but you never heard me
do my song.

Yeah, but you never heard me
do my song.

Turns out me and Jane
was the only ones that got sick up there.

And it turns out
they's only one person, uno persono,

that told Jack Dabbs
to send me down there to Micelli's,

and that was you.

That's right. That was you.

Hello?

Hello?

Larry. Larry!

Get... No, get down. Larry! Larry!

It was Jack! Jack! He's right there.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

It's a miracle! Praise the Lord!

Larry, he was never really handicapped.

Butlin, why do you gotta be
such a dadgum atheist?

I mean, here you have a feller
that rosed up out of a wheelchair.

You bring shame on all of us!

Hey, stop that wannabe cripple!

Just try it, you non-crippled prick.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Dickweed.

Oh, crap.

Attaboy, Donnie!

Dickweed!

Well, Butlin,
we knowed Lily had an ugly sister,

but who'd have thunk she had
an un-crippled nephew, Jack Dabbs.

The Adam's apple?

- You hit me in the Adam's apple?
- It hurt, don't it?

My granddaddy taught me that.

You caused this department
a lot of embarrassment, Larry.

But you saved it some, too.

Well, I guess
that makes us about even right there.

Now we're even.

Does that mean...

Does that mean that I get my job back?

Well, look, I... We'll act like
the past few weeks never happened.

One more thing, though. A promotion.

Don't push your luck, pal.

Not for me, for the... For the girl.

Hey, man, you told me she was a he.

Listen, I'm not asking for a raise
or a bigger office or nothing.

All's I want's a little respect
every now and then.

And when I say, "every now and then,"
I mean now.

You did a good job today.

Thank you.

Don't you have a gay parade to get to?

I'm just kidding.
I know you ain't a flipper.

- So what happens next?
- Well,

I figured on Monday
we'd head down there

to Sakamoto's joint
and give him a hard time.

He loves that.

Then let's go to the Greek restaurant,
check for eyebrow hair in the...

- You're back.
...gyros. Oh, hey.

I don't hug dudes.

- See you on Monday, partner.
- See you Monday, partner.

So what was it that you said
about a song?

Oh. Yeah, a song.

If we get into it, there ain't no...
You know, this'll be it.

I'm gonna sing it,
and you'll be putty in my hands.

Okay. Come on.

Oh, man.

All right, that's what you wanna do,

is singing songs, I guess we'll do it.

I'm gonna sing it now.

The song that we've been waiting for.
I'm gonna...

Hello?

No.

I'm gonna be down there.
Don't touch nothing.

Bye.

Trouble at the Golden Goose.

Oh, but, Larry,
we were having such a good time.

I know, Jane, and I wanna stay.
But let me explain something to you.

This world is full of molds
and creepy-crawlies

and mildews.

And damn it, Jane,
I'm the health inspector.

Okay. But when you come back...

Oh, damn. Now, that sounded dirty.

Git-R-Done!

- Who are you talking to?
- All the people out there.

Hi, people. Say, "Git-R-Done!"

- I don't see any people.
- Just say it, right there.

Git-R-Done!

Oh, that turns me on. Git-R-Done!

Probably because they were afraid
that the sun on these rides

would be too strong,
and without the proper protection

I sometimes get these, like,
second-degree burns.

But you're here,
and you're here to protect me.

Oh, you know what?
Let's go do the other ride.

With the animals and the balloons,
where you pop the balloons,

and then you get a stuffed animal
of some sort.

And you can choose, actually,
what animal you want.

You can choose the animal you want.
I don't have to choose it.

I might wanna choose it,
because there's a tiger.

I've always wanted a tiger in my house.

- Who are your girlfriends?
- Lizzie and Tina.

- Larry, can I have one of them?
- Sure. Come on in, Donnie.

- Can I have both of them?
- No. You're retarded.

Dude, you messing with my woman?

What's up with that?
That Jane, that's my woman.

- I didn't know that.
- Damn right.

- It's ridiculous.
- Why you didn't tell me?

You ever kiss a white boy?
Come on, kiss me.

Please don't worry.
It was definitely not your fault.

I mean, I was bound
to get fired from that job. I'm not...

- Larry, where have you been?
- Not really cut out for...

I've been looking all over for you.

What the hell?

Well, douche me with dishwater.

Ain't this a turd in the punch bowl?

He said today that he wrote someone up
for a Richard Gere Offense

because his back door
wasn't rodent-proofed.

I do not recall
a Richard Gere Ordinance,

and I was first in my class.

Check the archives.

Git-R-Done, Git-R-Done, Git-R-Done,
done, done.

Say the line, mother... Say the line!

George, your mom got big boobs?

She sure does!

Get her done.

I love it
when a girl says, "Git-R-Done."

The movie's over.
Y'all go and get some Milk Duds.