All language subtitles for icarly.2021.s02e05.720p.web.h264-cakes

That was "Careless Whisper"

by the innumerable
George Michael.

That's not
what "innumerable" means.

Oh, yes, it is.
On Brother's Day,

we only say nice things
to Spencer.

So yes, that was
definitely George Michael.

Isn't that right, guys?

- Obviously.
- Of course!

Innumerably!

You're a regular Kenny G.

Or a regular Craig Saunders.

Y'all don't know him. We went
to boarding school together.

But he could shred on the sax.

I went to boarding school.

You know, my mom played Kenny G
to me in the womb.

She read that playing
smooth jazz to a baby in utero

is supposed to make them
come out gifted.

With that?
The gift of being lame?

Cut it out.
Be nice to Pearl.

'Cause she's my perfect
little cupcake.

You're my perfect
little jellybean.

-We're the worst.
-The worst!

Yeah. You really do suck.

I thought you really
liked Pearl.

What changed, Milli Vanill?

Look, I only trust her
as far as I can throw her,

which is not very far because
I'm 11 and she's at least 52.

Thank you all for being here.

And a special thanks
to my girl Tootsie.

It's just too bad she's only
allowed out once a year.

'Cause of my brass allergy.

Ugh, so frustrating.
You're so talented!

So, everyone, raise
your OJ and beer "man-mosas."

To Spencer.

This drink is sweet
and makes no sense.

Just like you.

-Thank you.
-To Spencer!

Ah, thanks, sis.

I'm honored to be
your big brother.

Did I make sacrifices?
Sure.

So I never backpacked
through Europe

or finished law school

or toured with
the U.S. cast of Stomp.

And maybe in a different world
where I wasn't a surrogate dad

to Carly, I'd have settled down
by now with my one true love.

Yet, a thousand meaningless
one night stands later,

I'm all alone.

But, hey, Carly's doing great.

Happy Brother's Day.

Happy Brother's Day.

I feel so guilty knowing
that I held Spencer back

from finding true love.

Don't blame yourself.

Your brother's an idiot.
Nice place, though.

What if I hire
a really expensive

matchmaker for Spencer?

Oh, that's a terrible idea.

What if I already hired
a really expensive matchmaker

to help Spencer,
and I can't get my deposit back?

Then yay! Best sister ever!

Her name is McKenna Donatacci.

And apparently,
she's on this show called...

-Code Red Flags.
-Code Red Flags?

You hired the host
of Code Red Flags

to find Spencer a match?

-Do you know her?
-Uh, yeah!

J'obsessed.

I've seen every single episode.

I even submitted
an audition tape

once or twice or 17 times.

She says that every single guy
is either one of two things,

a Red Flag or a Mr. Cool Guy.

What's a Mr. Cool Guy?

It's her prototype
for the perfect guy.

Frosted tips,
tasteful choker,

and tattoos in a language
he does not speak.

-Oh, my God!

Hi, McKenna. I'm Carly.

And I'm Carly's roommate,
Harper. Huge, huge fan!

Can I try on your shoes?

In your mind you can.

So, Carly,
before I fix up your brother,

I need to make sure
there are no... red flags.

Now, there are three
in particular that every man

should avoid.

Red flag number one:
no roommates.

If he still splits the rent,
she shall not consent.

'Cause that's a red flag, y'all.

I love it when she says it.

Well, Spencer owns
this very apartment,

so one for one.

Red flag number two:

Height.

One should just be tall.

If you're under five nine,
don't waste my time,

'cause that's
a red flag, bitch!

"Be tall." It seems
like a hard rule to follow.

But Spencer does.

And red flag number three
is immaturity.

See, women want
a man who's confident,

but doesn't demand attention
at all times.

If he acts like a baby,
it's not even a maybe.

'Sup?

Oh, uh, Spencer!
Your bonnet?

Uh, Carly, your face?

Spencer. Hi, McKenna Donatacci,
professional matchmaker

with an extremely
high success rate,

and owner of four cars.

Mm. You're helping Harper?
She's single, and has no cars.

Spencer! Don't tell McKenna
I have no cars.

This is my gift to you.

You said
you hadn't met the one.

Uh, I don't really
have trouble getting ladies,

but if it makes
you happy, Carly,

I'll go out on multiple dates
with beautiful women.

Just no Caitlins.
I'm so done with Caitlins.

Finally, we can catch up
on The Good Fight.

Hey, you didn't watch
any episodes without me, right?

No. But I might've had
a dream with exact plot

of the next three episodes.

Oh, you are the worst liar.

-You're the worst liar.

So, what are we thinking
for dinner?

Lamb chops or spaghetti?

Oh, Pearl doesn't eat meat,
so...

Lamb chops it is.

Great. So now you're gonna
bully my girlfriend too?

I smell a rat.

Mm. You've been talking
with Millicent, haven't you?

Yep. And if our
little Milli Vanill

doesn't trust Pearl,
then neither do I.

She's the first woman
you've seriously dated

since adopting Millicent.

I'm just looking out for her.

Who, Pearl?

No! Millicent.

Not that mousy-haired barnacle
you scraped off a crab trap.

She... saw me, right?

I'm sorry. She and Millicent
are struggling to get used to me

being in a real relationship.

They somehow figured out
a way to make sure

that I only get
male Uber drivers.

Look, as long as you're living
under your mother's roof,

she is gonna treat you
like a child.

Uh...

Just my opinion.

She does not treat me
like a child.

Babykins, you want
your lamb chops cubed

and not touching anything else
on the plate, like always?

My food can touch.

Oh. Are we sad eating
or sex eating?

Can't help but notice
the two plates

and the zero underwear.

I have met the lady
of my dreams.

She's intelligent,
she's funny.

I'm pretty sure
she has two tongues.

I'm sorry I doubted you, sis.

You were so right
to hire McKenna.

So, who is my future
sister-in-law?

Morning!

Oh, hey, McKenna.

Whoa! Spencer has
that same robe.

Good morning, beautiful.
How was your shower?

-Did you miss me?
-We're not there yet.

Yet!

Your coffee.
You get my special Carly mug.

Oh. Ah, look at that.

She's on both sides.

And the bottom.

Well, it's my turn to shower.

Hopefully, you left me
some strands of hair

stuck to the wall.
Mwah!

We want details.
Tell us everything.

Yes. Tell me more,
tell me more.

Like did he have a car?

Are you quoting Grease?

I just feel very uncomfortable
right now.

Oh, well,
you know how it goes.

I said I liked his art.

He said, "Then you'll like
my body even more."

I said, "Never say that again."

And then we had sex.

Look. Please don't tell anyone
about this.

A matchmaker should never
sleep with her client.

Aw. And I shouldn't have slept
with that lady at the library.

But she was hot.
And very quiet.

This is
so unprofessional of me.

Spencer's not even
the type I go for.

Well, what's wrong
with my brother?

I mean, it's not every day
you meet a Spencer Shay.

Brass allergy.

Guess who found
the coolest fedora?

Or I can save that story

for when whatever this is
blows over.

We know how much you like Pearl,
but we thought it would help

to get the whole picture.

We've done a deep dive
on Pearl,

and trust me, the world
does not seem to be her oyster.

I have it on good authority

that she claps
when the plane lands.

She orders ice cream in a cone,
then asks for a cup.

Okay, Princess Diana.

And I've seen her eat a banana
without peeling it first.

Oh, so you're not
just bullying Pearl,

you're spying on her, too?

Peel and all?
Is it even ripe?

Don't blame Millicent.

This was all my idea.

I'm gonna go polish
your old fencing trophies.

That always helps me
blow off steam.

Millicent, now that
my app's taken off,

your old dad has a little
extra lettuce in his crisper.

I think it's time we look
for a new place.

I do not think so.
Good talk, though.

And that's why
I'll be paying rent.

So I'm the one
making the decisions.

From now on,
just call me Rent Daddy.

Never.
We can't move.

I hung a poster.

-Millicent...
-With a nail!

A unit just opened up
in The Windham.

Look at this.
Three bedrooms,

two bathrooms with Jacuzzis,

and Bette Midler's niece
lives in the penthouse.

And this...
would be your room.

The view from my bedroom

is literally the one
on this poster.

I know!

We need
a fresh start, kiddo,

somewhere to put down roots.

Okay.
Let's do this.

All right!
Let's do this!

But I do have one request.

- What's that?
- Dump Pearl.

No.

But even monkeys know

you peel the banana first.

McKenna said she wants
to keep things between us

"strictly business."

That it was a one night stand
and nothing more.

I feel so used.

Cool, but used.

I've never seen you like this.

I am indeed... forlorn.

Well, maybe McKenna just needs
to see you in a different light.

What, like dusk?

That's when bats come out,
and I cannot be chill

if I know they're up there.

You know her type.

- What, a Mr. Cool Guy?
- What's a Mr. Cool Guy?

It's how she dresses all
the guys on Code Red Flags.

Like a guy who gives off
a club promoter vibe

even at the grocery store.

If we turn Spencer
into a Mr. Cool Guy,

he'll be irresistible
to McKenna.

You really think
this could work?

Yes, I do.
And so should you.

Now, all hands in on three.

One. Two. Three.

- Makeover!
- Mr. Cool Guy!
- Yippee!

We probably should've
gone over it before.

Hey.

Freddie!

This gift is almost
as good as those vintage

toenail clippers you got me
for my birthday.

Wait, what gift?

A son moving his mother

into a luxury
high-rise building?

The ladies in my book club
are fuming with jealousy.

Danica bit her wine glass
in two.

I filled Grandma B in

on all the details
about our new apartment.

Including the Jacuzzi jets.

You know you've made it
when your tub purrs.

Bacterial nightmare,
but what a flex!

I'm sorry, Mom.
Millicent misunderstood.

It's just the two of us
moving into The Windham.

- Oh, you and me?
- Ooh. Mom, no.

Me and Millicent.

But there are three bedrooms.

Yes, one for you,
one for me, one for--

Let me guess. Pearl.

No. My office.

Our office.

I'll just use the kitchen.

There it is.

Maybe you're not
thinking clearly.

Did you go number two today?

You get so cranky
when your pipes are clogged.

No, Mom.
This is the decision

that's right for me
and my daughter.

I can't be
your little boy forever.

I'm a Rent Daddy now.

Oh, Mom, come on!

There's no way that means
what he think it means.

McKenna.

I am about
to change your life.

My life is perfect.

Come in anyway.

This better be worth it.

I just left lunch with a man
who's seven foot five.

Oh, it will be.

May we present to you...

Mr. Cool Guy.

'Sup?

Oh. Is that every member
of Entourage I see?

Oh, no. That is actually
your dream man.

And, incidentally,
my brother Spencer Shay.

Spencer?
Are you in there?

I think so.

Note the skin-tight jeans,
the sole dangly earring,

the deepest of V-necks.

Behold the V.

Isn't he everything
you ever wanted and more?

Wow.

This is easily,
without a doubt,

the biggest red flag
I have ever seen!

What do you mean,
I'm a red flag?

Put your two tongues
in my mouth and tell me that.

Look, normally, I would crawl
through that frosted-tip tundra

on my hands and knees.

But, people, he let his sister
do a makeover on him!

Who is she talking to?

It's classic codependence,
which is a big no-no,

as I say in my book,
Be Like This, Not Like That,

available wherever
books are sold.

Oh, that reminds me.
We need to go to the bookstore.

The new spooky stories
are coming out tonight.

And we can read them under
the covers with a flashlight.

Ooh, don't tell me the ending.
No spoilers.

So, don't you find it weird

that you guys live
in the same building?

Weird? I mean, it's not like

- we live in the same apartment.
- Anymore.

Mm-hmm. And don't you have
the same friend group?

Well, sure. There's Carly's
roommate Harper,

my neighbor Freddie,
Freddie's daughter--

Ooh, Freddie's mother.

I guess most of our friends
are in this building.

- Ooh, ooh, and... Wait, water?
- No, thank you.

Tell her your names
in each other's phones.

Sister Daughter.

- Brother Father.
- Mm.

You're right.
We're like two globs

of tapioca at the bottom
of a boba tea.

Delicious.

Impossible to separate.

Fixed it. I now put her
in my phone as Honey Sister.

I promise. You'll still see us
all the time, Grandma B.

I can even send you videos
of Dad sleeping.

Oh, don't worry.
I already set up a nanny cam.

But I'll tell you a secret.

I might miss you even more
than Freddie.

Just don't tell him.
He'll be crushed.

Millicent, um,
I have some bad news.

You're back to finish
that fedora story?

It actually has a juicy twist.

Our application was denied.
We're not moving.

I think the best thing
for our family

is to be
with our whole family.

Long live the Bensons!

-No. Just the Bensons.
-Oh...

What... No.

Stop! Stop it!

For the last time,
Pearl is a part of my life,

which means that
she is a part of yours, too.

So get with it or...

Actually, no "or."
End of sentence.

Freddie, I've never seen you
so assertive before.

Say more things like that.

Watch this.

Mom, if Millicent and I are
going to stay here,

then I insist
on paying the rent,

but you have to start
treating me like an adult--

nay, a Rent Daddy.

Ugh!

Hey, Millicent,
here's a thought.

How about we turn your poster
into life-size wallpaper?

That way you can still have
your waterfront view.

I can help.

Not a bad idea, Pearl.
Not bad at all.

Want to go get tacos
with me and Dad?

You can even sit
at the same table as us.

I'd love that.
Millicent Vanillicent.

Don't try to do
your own thing.

Come on, gals.

Ugh.

With all the money
I'm saving in rent,

I bet I can get Pearl
on that no-fly list.

We'll see if she likes to clap
as the bus pulls into the depot.

Maybe we need some space
from each other.

One of us could
move out of the building.

Yeah, one of us could.
Maybe you?

Sure. Yeah.

Why me, though?

Well, you rent. I own.

And with the market
the way it is--

Oh, don't you talk to me
about the market, okay?

- I know all about the market.
- I know

- all about the market!
- Forget about the market.

McKenna Donatacci is leaving.

My problematic angel.

Look, as long
as you two are enmeshed,

Spencer will never have

a meaningful relationship
with a woman.

Trust me.
I wrote the rules.

Which you can hear about on
Trust Me, I Wrote the Rules,

available wherever
you get your podcasts.

Now, hold on a second.

McKenna, you may be a gorgeous,
wealthy, best-selling author

and TV personality
with a beautiful smile

and illustrious hair...

But?

Yeah, and a great butt.

But you're wrong.

Maybe I haven't had

a meaningful
romantic relationship,

but I raised the best woman
I know, my sister.

Aw, Spence.
I feel seen.

And if Carly really is
a "helicopter sister,"

well, then,
I'm the pilot inside of her.

Babe, no.

But what about all the things
you said on Brother's Day

about me getting in the way
of you settling down?

Carly, I chose to spend
those years raising you.

I don't regret one day of it.

Besides, I was five
"man-mosas" deep at brunch.

I could've said anything.

Like my real age,
which, again, is 32.

- Yeah. 32.
- Mm.

Oh. Sorry, uh,
two siblings hugging

a little weird for you?

Why is McKenna Donatacci crying?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,
it's just so beautiful.

I wish I had a relationship
like yours,

but none of my 11 brothers
will talk to me

because I call
all my nieces ugly.

What? I tell it like it is!

Well, I'm sure
you can patch things up.

Open communication?

That's a green flag, chica.

True, although
I don't love the optics

of you saying "chica."

But thank you.

So...

Spencer...

all dolled up
with nowhere to go?

Tell me, have you ever
made love in a gondola?

No.

Yet another thing I missed out
on because of Carly.

Popcorn, anybody?

Oh, we're good, thanks.

Mm.

What are you guys watching?

It's Code Red Flags.
McKenna is roasting all of us.

Is it weird
that I'm kind of excited

to hear
what she says about me?

Carly Shay? She is not well.

Sincerely.
Get help, girl.

I didn't even get a rhyme?

Well, at least
you didn't get red flagged.

Yeah.

And now, for this week's
eligible bachelorette.

Please welcome...
Harper.

Hi. I'm Harper.

I'm a stylist from Seattle.

I'm mind your business
years old.

And if your shirt
has a team logo,

then, baby, it's a no-go.

And how tall are you?

Six foot one.

What?
She said, "Be tall."

Ooh!

He hates these cans.