Original subtitles

It's something a Kentucky farmer says she's never seen before...

a hen taking newborn puppies under her wing.

So guess who canceled lunch with me again?

- Susie Greene. - Really?

Yeah, and this time the excuse was she had to go to the dentist.

- Maybe she had to go to the dentist. - Okay, that's bullshit.

That's the adult equivalent of "The dog ate my homework."

I'm not making anymore dates with her. She's done it to me before.

If she doesn't want to go to lunch, why doesn't she say,

"You know what? I'd rather not go to lunch with you"?

Maybe she was telling the truth.

I don't think so.

Listen, are you going to your office tomorrow?

Can you do me a favor?

Maybe.

- Can't you just say yes? - No.

What kind of favor am I gonna ask you wouldn't say yes to?

- What do you want? - I saw the osteopath about my cough

and he told me I should get some colon cleanse.

It's actually called "colon cleanse."

It helps the whole system. He said it will flush...

What does that have to do with a cough? I don't understand that.

He says it'll knock it out like that.

So please will you do that for me?

All right.

Speaking of good eating, here's Andy Portico

with this week's restaurant review. Andy?

Oh, Andy Portico's reviewing a new restaurant.

Today I'll be talking about "Stuffing Your Face" again.

I don't think I've eaten as badly since I was in the army.

- At least then I had my youth. - Asshole.

These people could've learned something from Army food.

- Oh my God. This guy is so brutal. - I'd rather eat C-rations...

than the swill they serve in this place.

It's a criminal enterprise, not a restaurant, and these people...

- This place is gonna close in two days. - All because of this.

He's coming to the opening next week.

- Really? - Yeah.

- But you repaired... - All the digging, yeah. Shh, quiet.

I'm gonna have to give it

a big two thumbs down.

- What a surprise! - I'm Andy Portico, thanks for watching.

- Isn't that clever? - Yeah.

The thumbs down.

It's real original, the thumbs down.

It's really awful that this guy's...

he's controlling the fate of our restaurant practically.

I know, it's so subjective, isn't it?

- It's terrible. - How does he decide?

Guy couldn't get dates.

He takes it out on the rest of the world.

I couldn't get dates. You don't see me taking it out on anybody.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

I don't know about that.

But don't you know somebody who knows him,

could put in a good word?

Jeff's daughter goes to the same school as his son.

That's a start, right?

Jeff's not gonna say anything.

Good night.

What the hell are you kissing me good night for with that cough?

Can you get the lights, please?

You know how bookstores make you feel stupid?

Health food stores make me feel unhealthy.

What's this bullshit, Susie making up this story

about going to the dentist?

She had a dentist appointment.

- Cheryl doesn't believe a word of it. - I was with her.

She keeps breaking appointments with Cheryl.

I was with her. What do you want?

- I can't find this colon cleanser. - Ask somebody.

- We've been up and down 10 times. - Ask somebody, that's why.

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

I'm looking for a colon cleanser.

Adam, where's the colon cleanse?

- The what? - The colon cleanse.

Colon cleanse is aisle G, right behind you.

Okay. It's around the corner, right there.

It's for my wife. It's for my wife.

- Who's that guy? - I don't know.

Boy, does he look familiar.

Does he not look familiar to you?

Who is that? I know that...

- That's our chef. - Our chef's bald.

That's the chef.

Hey!

Hey, Larry.

- Phil, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's with the...?

- I thought you said you didn't want... - Well, yeah, I did.

- Came into the interview? - Yes.

I just assumed... and I was right...

that you were one of those people

who find that men who enhance their appearance

are wrong and stupid so I took my toupee off.

You came in bald just to get the job?

I'm sorry I deceived you.

I hope this doesn't, you know, affect, you know...

Well, I'm sorry, but it will.

You got hired under false pretenses.

But it had nothing to do with my food.

- I know, but I don't trust you. - What are you talking about?

No, I'm sorry.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Let's go.

I mean, what was he thinking?

For the next five years was he gonna come in

every day and leave the toupee at home?

Yeah, right. Or just wear it on weekends?

Live a double life.

- Unbelievable. - He had no plan.

He had a good plan. He knew how to get hired.

Oh, like you wouldn't hire a fat guy, huh?

You don't have a proclivity for fat people?

I think you got a strong proclivity for fat people.

If a fat guy came in, you wouldn't want to hire him?

You would've been all over that fat guy.

You would've loved that fat guy, don't tell me.

All things being equal, I'd hire the fat guy.

That's right. By the way, it's not like I don't hire

other people who aren't bald, okay?

I don't have a bald manager. I don't have a bald lawyer.

You have a bald accountant,

a bald urologist, a bald travel agent.

You have far more bald professionals than the average person.

- Okay, so I do, so what? - I just want you to notice.

Okay, I notice. It's duly noted.

I knew you'd say "duly noted," too.

- Oh, did you? You're so smart. - I knew.

You know everything I say before I say it?

- Before you say it. - What a genius you are.

- "What a genius you are." - You knew I was gonna say that, too?

I knew you were gonna say that.

Aw, Jeez. Listen, I got to go...

We are in so much trouble here, oh my God.

I got to tell these investors now...

what just happened, we have no chef. This just stinks.

Yeah, wow, you got to tell them. I'll be there with you,

but you got to tell them. We open in four days,

no chef, and you're gonna tell them

you just fired our chef because he wears a toupee.

Listen, I got to go to Sammy's school,

drop off her lunch, and then I'll take you to your office.

I don't understand. Your daughter goes here? I see older kids.

It's K-12, the whole thing.

Oh, oh dear, aw, look at that.

Poor kid lost his hair, he's getting chemo.

No, he's not going through chemotherapy.

Another kid in class is, and a lot of the boys

in the senior class as a show of solidarity shaved their heads.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's really something. You know what?

Maybe one day I'll get a chance

to do something good for somebody like that.

That's really touching.

You've already got kind of a head start, actually.

Funny.

What's all this?

The parents and the kids, they play dodge ball.

- Oh, yeah? Wow. - Yeah.

- You know? - Huh.

- Hey, is that...? - Andy Portico.

- That's Portico? - Come on!

Boy, is he into it. Have you ever talked to him about the restaurant?

I wouldn't dare.

I used to love playing dodge ball. You like dodge ball?

- Oh, yeah. - Why don't you get in the game?

Aw, they got a whole thing going here.

- They can add... it's a fun game. - I'm not gonna ask them.

Come on. Sandra? Can my friend play?

Sure!

Go ahead. I'm gonna go take the lunchbox to Sammy.

- I'll see you in a few. - I'm gonna play some dodge ball.

Have a good time.

Okay, let's get going here.

All right, Larry David. I'm coming to your restaurant next week.

- Oh, okay. - I'm gonna review it.

Come on, Larry, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Aw-ww!

You're out!

- All right, you're out. - It hit the ground.

- Bullshit! - Hit the ground!

- Get out of there! - Hit the ground, Portico.

You're out!

Ow, fuck!

What have you done?

What the fuck?

Sorry.

How could this possibly happen?

What were you doing playing dodge ball with Andy Portico?

Adults were playing, okay? It was a parents/kids game.

W-what are you swinging so hard for? You're injuring him.

- What are you doing? - I got involved in the game.

He was acting like a bit of an asshole, too, by the way.

- It wasn't all my fault. - What about the cook?

We open in three days, we don't have a chef.

Well, the guy was full of shit.

He tried to pass himself off as bald and he wasn't bald.

- What do you want me to do? - So big deal.

He wears a toupee when he's not here. Who cares?

He's liar. The guy's a bald-faced...

literally... a bald-faced liar.

We've got more problems than that. We have lost investors.

- Ted's gone. - Ted Danson is gone.

But I made up that money, so what...?

We are trying to open a restaurant.

You've got to pull us out of this mire that we are wallowing in.

What about the muck, are we in any muck?

We are in a big muck. We don't have a chef.

If we're in mire, I would assume that we're also in muck.

Usually one is in muck and mire. He said I was in a mire.

I was trying to ascertain whether or not muck was involved as well.

- You were trying to ascertain? - Yes.

- Let's not change the subject because... - "Ascertain."

You know, all of this is moot

because after what he did to Portico

he's gonna slaughter us, okay?

He's gonna put his thumbs through the table.

Apologize to Portico.

I'll apologize. It's not gonna...

Apologize to Portico, that's it.

What's the big deal, Larry?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

All right, I'll go apologize.

Let's talk about a new chef. Everybody's got...

You know, Ted knew another guy... never mind.

- Oh, Larry. - Andy.

Yeah, you know, I'd get up and shake your hand

except I don't really have any hands to shake, you know?

Oh my gosh.

This is what happens when you break your thumbs.

Oh, God Almighty.

- Like a fucking Muppet. - I'm so sorry, Andy.

I'm sorry, too.

We were playing a game and we were into it...

And you threw the thing like it was a fucking hydrogen bomb.

I just... I hadn't played in a long time and I was having fun and...

Well, I won't be able to review the restaurant, of course.

Why not?

Because I can't do "thumbs up, thumbs down."

That's my whole gimmick.

I can't do the show for two months, what am I gonna do?

- I can't do this... - Because you can't...

I can't do my shtick.

- Oh, what a shame. - Yeah, well.

- You can't do... - "Thumbs up, thumbs down."

- You can't go like this? - I can't go like this.

From a stupid dodge ball game?

From a stupid dodge ball game.

Well, in any event, it's a shame

that you're gonna miss the opening of the restaurant.

You're not gonna be able to review it.

What am I talking about, opening?

There's no opening anyway because we don't have a chef.

- You lost your chef? - Lost the chef, yeah.

Well, that's crucial.

Yeah, I'd say.

You know, as it happens,

I know a great chef

who just left Martine's. You know Martine's?

Of course I know Martine's in New York.

As a matter of fact, he's out here now. He's weighing offers.

I got to get this guy's name.

Guy Bernier is his name.

- Guy Bernier? - Guy Bernier.

I could put in a word for you.

- Would you? - I have a lot credibility with him.

This is... I don't even know what to say.

Hey, look, I'm happy to do it. No hard feelings, honestly.

It's like this could've happened to anyone.

I brought you your lunch. Excuse me.

It's spaghetti with marinara sauce and some cheese.

Okay, you fucking idiot, you fucking moron.

How am I supposed to eat that? Suck it up my ass?

Didn't I ask you to get me a protein shake

or something I could eat, you know, like through a straw?

I'm fucking hungry, so order me something. I don't care what it is.

- Get me something I can fucking eat! - I'll order something else.

- Jesus. It's not like... - Fucking idiot, you know?

Hey, you know what? Don't worry about it, I'll help you out here.

Let's make this happen. Okay? Come on.

No, come on now, really, honestly.

Listen, don't... Andy, will you stop it?

- Please, now really. - No, no, you please.

No, I... no, come on.

Good, good, good.

It's good, isn't it?

Oh, Andy! Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.

What the fuck are you doing?

Here you go.

I think I should mention that I have one problem.

And that problem is with salmon.

I won't buy it, I won't broil it I won't bake it.

Oh. You got a problem with salmon, huh?

- A big problem. - Big problem?

- Well, we won't have salmon, right? - No, absolutely.

- Salmon's out. - Plenty of fish in the sea.

- Who needs it? - And also... caper.

I can't stand capers either. I don't like them.

If I see one caper in the kitchen,

there's going to be big problem.

Uh-huh, okay. All right, no capers.

- No capers. - All right.

- Okay? - Yes.

Oh, this is great.

Do you remember Martine's in New York?

Sure, I've been there about three or four times.

- This is the guy. - I know.

Et voila.

- Okay. - Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Is my pleasure. Is fantastic spot.

- We're thrilled to have you. - I am thrilled too.

Okay, well, now I have appointment. I have to go.

- So, okay, bye. - See you tomorrow.

- This is... I can't... - Well, Larry...

Nice job.

Shit, shitface fuck, shit, cocksucker.

I bet he got a ticket.

He's got some 'tude, this guy, huh?

Some champagne? Shall we break out the champagne?

Yeah, let's crack open a bottle of the good stuff.

Look at your car. Why is your car always so filthy?

Are you kidding me?

Ugh, it's dirty. All of it.

- Inside, outside... - Sit down.

- Am I gonna get dirty? - Huh?

You need to wash this, seriously.

Okay, fine, I'll wash it right now.

Not now.

You can't do it now. I'm meeting Susie for lunch.

It's right on the way, don't worry about it.

This is our make-up lunch I don't want to be late for it.

It takes two minutes.

I just don't want another falling-out with her.

Listen to how low my voice is today.

Oh, hey... down, down, down-nn.

I'm starting to get stomach cramps...

- Down, down-nn... ...from that colon cleanse.

Hear that note? Down-nn.

Outstanding.

And they are miles down-nn...

How long do you think this is gonna last?

I think I have to find a bathroom pretty soon.

It's really, like...

What's the deal here? Are we even moving?

Are we moving?

How long is this thing supposed to take? Do you know?

I got news for you. We're not even moving.

- Are we stuck in this thing? - We're not moving.

- Hey! - Hello?!

Hey!

- Larry, seriously... - Hey... bang on your window.

- Hey! - Oh my God.

Seriously, I'm seriously starting to...

it's getting to the point of an emergency.

I can't be in this car for much longer.

Hey!

Hey!

- Wait a second. - Oh my God.

- Let me call Information. - Seriously.

- I'll get them on the phone. - I'm getting sweaty.

- I got to go, I really got to go. - Just hold on a second.

Hello, yes, I'd like the number of Glen-Rock...

Glen... Glen-Rock!

Glen-Rock!

R-o-c-k, Los Angeles!

Yes, connect!

Glen-Rock Car Wash.

Hello, I'm stuck in your car wash!

What?

I said I'm stuck in your car wash!

- Tell them it's an emergency. - It's an emer...

- They need to turn it off or something. - Turn off your car wash!

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Turn off your car wash!

- What are they saying? - Call back later.

Oh God, Larry, I can't wait. I got to go.

I got to go. I got to go! I got to go!

I'm just saying Susie's crazed, man.

She hung up on Cheryl.

A car wash? Who gets stuck in a car wash?

It's the truth. We were stuck in a car wash.

You weren't stuck in a car wash.

The car got stuck in one spot and she got out and she was soaking wet.

- That's why she canceled. - You're telling me the truth?

- I'm telling you the truth. - I believe you,

- but Susie's never gonna believe this. - Well, whatever, you know.

So let me ask you,

are you thinking about anything

that you want to put on the table

before people come in when they first sit down?

Do you want to have bread or something, or breadsticks?

- Olives. - Like a pickle.

Olives? No, I'm sorry for interruption,

but they are really ridiculous, olives.

What do you do with pit? Ever, never,

you can do nothing with pit. It's ridiculous.

No olives. I'm sorry...

Put in a pit plate or an ashtray or something.

A pit plate? Why don't you call it a garbage plate?

- Okay. - Yeah, he's right.

The personality on this guy, huh?

He's a piece of work.

- What else? - Carrot sticks, celery.

What about lemon in the water?

Motherfucking cocksucker asshole!

I'm starting to think that that's involuntary.

Et voila. Everything is finished now.

It's perfect, it's fantastic, okay? I just want to say one thing.

I am so humbled to be working

in such a restaurant of quality, huh?

- It's fantastic. - Oh, it's an honor.

Bye bye. I see you tomorrow, yes?

See you tomorrow.

- What do they call that, Tourette's? - Tourette's Syndrome.

Wow. He's got Tourette's Syndrome.

Portico.

Portico.

Sure. He was recommended...

- Portico. - Fucking Portico!

That prick, I don't believe it.

He's laughing right now. That motherfucker.

You believe that guy would do something like that on purpose?

Of course he would.

The joke's on us 'cause we need to find another chef.

Yeah, we got to let him go.

What? We're opening tomorrow. You want to let him go?

It would be different if the kitchen didn't look out onto the dining room.

He's practically on stage over there.

- It's the design of this room. - It's like a floor show.

We're gonna be known as "the restaurant

with the chef that swears."

This is a nightmare. This'll ruin us.

We're gonna be a laughingstock if we allow this to happen.

Are you kidding me? We have to get rid of him.

- No. - What do you mean no?

- We can't fire him. - Why?

He's a survivor.

Then I called Martine's...

that's the restaurant where he used to work in New York.

Okay.

They told me that their kitchen was in the back...

so the cursing didn't bother anybody. There was too much noise.

The only people who could hear him worked in the kitchen.

But our kitchen's right in the front.

He's gonna be right there, cursing up a storm.

People could be eating their dinner.

- Oh my God. - Of course you couldn't fire him.

Yeah, I'm not gonna fire a survivor.

No, you couldn't do that.

Whoa, wow! Look at you!

Is it too "Knots Landing"?

I know it's a TV show,

but I don't get the reference at all.

- Anyway, but you like it? - Yeah, it looks great.

- It's not too dressy? - No, I like it.

Well, maybe he won't curse tonight.

He can't control it. Nothing he can control.

I've seen him twice and he's cursed both times.

The only thing I don't get

is why he doesn't curse in French.

Why is he cursing in English? "Mutherfuck-erre."

- Where did he get that from? - I don't know.

"Cocksuck-erre."

- Stop it, he does not say... - He does.

All in English, I don't understand.

Aren't there obscenities in French there that he could say?

Listen, can I just tell you, before we even get there,

I am not looking forward to running into Susie Greene?

Susie Greene, yeah.

She hates me. She really hates me now. She won't even talk to me.

You know? I mean, what am I gonna do?

I wouldn't even go if I were you. It's too awkward.

You're probably right.

Maybe I'll just sit in the car. How about that?

Really, that's what you should do.

All right, let's get out of here.

- Oh, Jeez. - Whoo!

Wow.

Look at that. There's a room over there.

- Yeah, this is pretty big. - Man!

- Huh? - I am very impressed.

- Huh? - Yeah.

- Not bad. - Not bad.

See the bell? Now watch this.

- Wow. It works. - Yeah, it works.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Oh, hi. - Wow.

- Uh-huh. It's happening, my friend. - Really cool.

Hi, Jeff, good to see you.

This is Cheryl. These are my investor friends.

- Wow, hi. - Lou, Jim...

- Michael, Theresa. - Nice to meet you.

- Hi. Great. - What do you think?

I am very impressed.

- She's a little knocked out, I think. - I am.

This is not what I expected.

We couldn't have done it without the big guy here.

- Is that right? - He stepped up, you know?

He stepped up.

It was a little rocky there for a while.

That's an understatement.

I think Jim's had a couple of champagnes.

I think Jim's out of control.

I'm a little nervous, but I think we're gonna make it.

- It really looks great. - It does.

Eat your heart out, Ted Danson. That's all I have to say.

Cheers.

"Cheers," yeah, you got it.

Yeah, cheers. Where's your wife?

- She'll be here in a little while. - Uh-huh.

And what's going on with Guy?

- Any outbursts? - So far, so good.

- I haven't heard anything. - Yeah, not a peep.

Yeah. Oh, hey, look, there's your parents.

Hey, there's my dad! Hello!

Pilaf. It's delicious.

- Bon soir. - Ah, bon soir, how are you, eh?

Oh, tr�s bien, tr�s bien.

The place is a big success for you.

Oh, my gosh, can you believe what's going on here?

- It's gigan-tique. - And you're feeling good?

Actually, I'm quite upset. I'm very upset.

- Really? - I lost the lottery by one number only.

- One number? - Yes, one!

Yes, look at that.

I was one number off in the lottery.

It ends with "7-1." Here I have "4-1."

What's the point, huh? It's all rigged, anyway.

I'm quite sure of that, huh? Hey, turn that down.

What do you think you are doing, cooking a goat?

- Hey... thank you. - Congratulations.

Let's get that waiter.

Fuckhead, shitface, cocksucker,

asshole, son of a bitch!

Maybe one day, I'll get a chance

to do something good for somebody like that.

Scum-sucking, motherfucking whore!

Cock! Cock, jism!

Grandma, cock!

Bum! Fuck, turd, fart.

Cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!

Damn it, hell... crap...

...shit! - You goddamn motherfucking bitch!

Fuck you, you car wash cunt!

I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus, French kissing!

Rim job.

Right, piss.

Fucking, fucking, fuck, fuck.

Schmuck, putz, tuchuslecker!

Pussy, pig fucker.

Balls!

Boy cock, girl cock, e-i-e-i-o.

Fuck whore tits!