Original subtitles

Phew! Wow. It is raining cats and dogs out there.

Holy moly

Phyllis says the same 12 clichés every time it rains.

So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today,

I will send out for hot chocolates

So how was the drive in?

Nobody knows how to drive in the rain.

You don't say? Yeah.

You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?

I think it's the oil, it comes to the surface. - I agree

Ooh! The plants are gonna love this. Yeah

PHYLLIS I actually sleep better when it's raining

Tell me about it

Time's almost up. How many are left? Just one.

"This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book.'

Phyllis, this rain, does it make you want to be doing something?

What do you mean?

You know, like, aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?

Hey, come on Lots of things are cozy in the rain.

And that's noon Exactly!

Sorry about that everybody.

Hey, Phyllis would you like a hot chocolate?

Ooh, I'd love one

I'm going out to get two hot chocolates

the rain would make me want to stay at home,

curled up with a good book

but everybody's being so nice to me today.

I'm really happy being here

My girlfriend's back and there's going to be trouble

Hey, la, hey, la, his girlfriend's back

Hey, la, hey, la, my girlfriend's back

A month ago, I walked out of this office

positive I was never coming back

I probably shouldn't have emailed everyone

telling them exactly what I thought of them

Hey, Erin, thank you for the nice email.

Yeah. I don't get emotional a lot but that was...

I'm just glad to know I had an impact

In other news Erin and Andy are back together

Crazy story Yes

down to Florida, she was not expecting it

totally swept her off her feet. Right? Yeah.

How long was the drive?

It's like a day and a half each way.

But when I got there, I went right up to the house, and I was like

Day and a half? My lumbar would be killing me.

You should get this lumbar support cushion thing my dad has

What's it called? Um

Not Easy-Rest

That gas must've cost a pretty penny, huh?

Well he's got a Prius

How many times you fill the tank? Three, four?

What does gas cost down there?

Lumbar Buddy Lumbar Buddy

Oh, yeah Lumbar Buddy.

Tell you what, I'll email you the story

It's a real tearjerker, though

So read with caution

Anyway, I know it's the end of the day.

We just wanted to stop by and say hi

And then later on, we have a reservation at Patsel's.

Miss Lumbar

Hey, Kev Yeah.

Nice sweater Thank you

Nellie was nice enough to give it to me

She's sweet I just wish there was pockets

What happened to Old Salty?

Nellie let me bobble-ize him

His name is now Captain Mutato.

I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction.

Captain Mutato is half-man, half-mermaid

So he can fight crime as a man

and make love as a mermaid.

Most of my writing involves the latter

Okey-doke

Yes?

Whoa

Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about

I am the famous Andy Bernard you have been hearing all about.

Oh, yes I just want to thank you

for jumping in and minding the store

during my temporary absence

You are most welcome

Anyway, now that I'm back I would love to have my office back,

whenever you get a chance. No

Obviously we'll figure out the logistics

of moving all of this stuff out of here.

But, you know the sooner the better Get back to normalcy

Mmm. No

Thank you

Okay

Wait. Uh

When I showed up here there was no manager

It's like when the Americans showed up at the Moon

Nobody was there

So they planted their flag,

and it's their moon now, isn't it?

Nobody likes it but it's America's bloody moon

Just lay him in his crib and then bicycle his legs

And then after Jim quiets down

you do the same thing with your baby.

But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call

Oh, my gosh thank you so much

But seriously, we don't want to bother you

any more than we already have. That's it

It's no bother. You guys are our friends

Ravi, our amazing paediatrician,

was asking us if we knew any girls

and I said, "l know the perfect girl.'

Yeah. Because Kelly is Indian and Oh, that's it

Race had nothing to do with it.

I just knew they'd be good together

Why?

Kelly has been a handful in the past.

But she's had a bad influence.

She's like an addict, and I just had to get her clean.

Get lower

Next, I'm going to set up my sister with Darryl.

Okay, we get it

What? I think they'd be good together. Really?

Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby

Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby?

Don't shake the baby

A lot of times parents get frustrated because the baby's crying

and they shake the baby and you got to...

You can't do that

Don't shake our baby Yeah.

Okay, I'd never heard that before

Oh, my God So, thank you

Yeah, I'm glad you said something Me, too.

Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants.

And her new boyfriend seems awesome,

if you're into Indian people

I'm not

And that's when I realized

if you're gonna put a thermometer in one end,

you'd better put a lollipop in the other.

Hey, I'm sorry Is this a workplace or a Starbucks?

Because I was under the impression it was a workplace.

Maybe I'm the crazy one

No. No, we're sorry. Come on, let's go, Ravi

Also, since when do we have guests here without clearance?

Hey, um

What's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?

Yeah, they're really great together

Makes me wonder if I made a mistake

No, no, no. Come on I think you guys are both happier now, right?

You're single. Plenty of girls to date, right?

Yeah

Maybe we weren't right together but it's weird

I'd rather she be alone than with somebody.

Is that love?

That's about it, yeah

Well, Nellie picked up the slack around here

while you were trolling the Florida beaches for ta

like some college student on spring break.

I had to tell Erin how I felt

Andy, I appreciate your romantic quest

and in an age before the telephone or Internet,

or written language that would be compelling

But there are five six devices in this room alone

that would have let you tell her that without ever going to Florida.

We live in amazing times

Yeah, I know I screwed up

But I always do whatever you ask of me

and this will never happen again.

And if Erin decides she's made a mistake and returns to Florida?

At least she knows how I feel, and I would not follow her.

What if she were kidnapped by a gang of Albanian human traffickers?

Like in Taken?

What?

Yes, of course if she's taken.

That's what I'm talking about By Albanians

I would stay in this office

Wow, okay. I'll remember you said that

Nellie

you've been terrific in your interim capacity

but Andrew is the rightful manager

so if you would just give him his office

No. I'm sorry?

This is what I was trying to tell you.

I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me

Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it

because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.

You're both adults I'm sure you can

figure this out between yourselves

desire to influence a business decision

So, I find it best to recuse myself temporarily

until I've had a chance to make love

and then go back and analyze the situation rationally.

Buffett operates the same way.

I want to order the zebra rug for my office,

but can you dye it entirely black?

No, I still want it to be a zebra.

Well, I'll know

Because they're ridiculous creatures

They don't know what they are.

Phyllis says J. Duffy's might be more our speed

And if we want even the option of drawing on the placemats...

of an anger problem

Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.

When I see him start to get mad,

on his arm like this

It reminds me to just check out and relax

There's also a lullaby they used to sing to me when I was growing up.

The state of Pennsylvania is watching over you

No need for parents, the governor will do

It's really nice

The General Assembly's like a mom and a dad

...had

about a trespasser

Yes. Right this way

Because they are idiots. Big, stripy, horsey idiots

What you don't... Hey

Hank, please remove Nellie from my office

Hank, thank God you're here.

This psychopath keeps barging into my office

It's my office

Well, she's sitting there like a manager

And you're standing up here like me

But maybe it's a little more complicated than that

I'm going to count down from five

and if you're not out of my office

I'm going to dock your pay $100

Five, four

You can't dock my pay

Three, two, one

Congratulations, you just lost $100

Really?

Angela dock Andy's pay $1 00

On it

Great Five, four, three two, one.

Angela, please dock Nellie's pay $100.

Hmm?

Is she responding? Hmm

Angela? Do you want to go again?

Angela! Let's go again

Five, four, three two, one.

Oh, she's counting again Look out.

Angela, $200 - Got it

Seriously, Angela?

I know what, let's go $10,000

Five, four You're just saying numbers.

It's meaningless. Three

It's literally like Two, one

There you go

Hey, we're going to have a nice hot date

What are you guys talking about?

Charlie Rose I don't know who that is

Guys He has...

Guys, come here

What are you... Come on

Where are we going?

Okay. Do you guys want

Andy, you should not stand there.

The warehouse guys pee there all the time

Ew

Okay. Do you guys want to be part of something huge?

I'm already a member of the largest club there is.

Non-churchgoing Christians.

You remember in the movie Rudy,

when the player comes into the coach's office

and he throws his jersey down and he's like,

"I'm not playing without Rudy.'

And the coach is like, "One guy. No big deal.'

But then every player comes in, one by one

and they all throw their jerseys down for Rudy. Remember that?

Yeah, I remember that

So, how amazing would it be

if you guys all did that for me

with your own brand new Dunder Mifflin jerseys?

Hey, guys

Gross. Gross, gross

You don't need to go

while I was journaling,

and they reminded me of you.

Those are from our weekend at the time-share.

Yeah, the fractional ownership property

We took this one right before we got in that huge fight

God, I don't even remember what that fight was about.

You were being really bratty about

where we would go out to dinner

but all I remember is how pretty you looked taking those pictures of me

Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own,

Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks

I'd like that

You were so annoyed that I was taking that picture

Someone's into my abs

Sorry

You have doubles of this one, I could probably just take one

I really want both

I am seeing a side of Ryan that I have never seen

since the last time we were broken up

with Kelly Kapoor

And I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow or the next day

or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now

all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her.

Again, that could change

Hey. So, last night was so not a big deal

Oh, yeah, I was just tired

We both were Yeah.

Plus I was definitely not my normal sexy self

No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy.

Just the thought of you last night like, crazy turns me on

It just didn't last night But you were so dang doable

Even though we didn't do it

Well, it's not like we can't do it again when Whenever you're ready.

Uh, yeah. We are sexing it up tonight. I don't care what you say

No. It will be consensual

Whether you like it or not

Sounds good I'm gonna do you

Not if I do you first. Oh

But really it's not a big deal

Yeah. I know it's not a big deal.

Oh, hey, instead of lunch do you feel like going shopping?

Are you serious? Yes

That would be... I can't Can you believe this?

Hey, can you believe it? Nope

Hmm

Oh, do you want that dress in every size and every color?

Yeah, it's free returns

getting along with Ryan again

He's so sweet He pointed to my latte and he said

"Kelly, that would be the color of our children.'

God. Yeah, he's so great

Remember how it felt when he cheated on you, though?

Which time?

I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan

And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician

Why you would even ask or were going to ask

Because I feel like that question was coming

But, you know, whatever Ask me anything.

When you lost the manager job Yes?

...did it affect you outside of the office?

How?

I don't know what the technical term is

Penial softy-osus

Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me

You came to the exact right person for this.

No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that.

Ever, ever. Never

Okay? Okay

Washington Monument Okay

Eiffel Tower! Okay

Colossus at Rhodes

Hey! I hear you've been badmouthing me to Kelly

All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly

Well, that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion

If you have something bad to say to me, Pam say it to my face

Fair enough. Um

a very good person

And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before.

Well, a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is

Come on, Ryan, really? Ravi's way better.

For Kelly? Yeah.

Man, you're insane right now Ravi's the whole package.

I've never met Ravi personally,

but I'm going to go ahead and say

just having known you a short while, Brian,

that I prefer Ravi, and again I've never even met the guy.

Kelly, look around Nobody believes in us

Nobody

Ryan, just stop making a scene in front of all my friends

Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem.

But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it

Oh, come on... Oh, no, no, no read it, please.

No, it would cause me too much pain.

Read through the pain. Be strong

This poem would crush you.

God, Ryan, go away She found herself a beautiful boyfriend

Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous

Please leave her alone

You see, Kelly? Our love scares them

It screws up their cookie cutter world

Do you guys think he's right, though?

Do we live in a cookie cutter's world?

Absolutely, but it's not the point. God

One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that

Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend

and Meredith said she was interested, and then Gabe said immediately

that his friend might be taking the ticket,

so I'll keep you posted on that.

Every day, I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office.

Most of it's irrelevant

But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.

Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity,

so congratulations on that.

What do you mean?

Erin made it clear to me that he was unable

to perform sexually last night.

By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large

it was like I was wearing no blanket at all

but you just demolished him!

I'm little bit jealous, actually

Reduced him to a mere ant

I just wanted to take the man's job not his manhood.

Are we good? Everybody got a jersey?

I still think it's weird that we're just doing Rudy.

Like, not a spin on it we're just doing it.

What about The Dead Poets Society?\ Much better movie

What? Get your movie rankings right, dude.

Why can't we just do whatever movie we want?

'Cause I was gonna do a Spartacus.

Oh, I wanna do a Spartacus.

I am Spartacus

No, I am Spartacus

Hey, guys, we're doing Rudy, okay? So get ready

Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room

Sure. But first, there is something

No, that's not important Conference room, now.

You can't call a meeting, so

But I would like to have a meeting

in the conference room right now,

so come on, guys let's get in the conference room.

Thank you. Good

Thank you for coming to my meeting

Appreciate it

Okay, if you would like to take a seat, we can get started.

Can't do it because I got to run a meeting, so

Wanted to talk to all of you guys about importance

and know that each and every one of you is vitally important

Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence.'

Which is important in its own way

so if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy

Take a man's job, but leave him his balls

Margaret Thatcher said that, probably

Don't know. Don't read Didn't see the movie.

So, Nellie wanted to have a meeting on impotence.

have to run it as impotence is a concept

as foreign to me as baba ghanoush

Something to do with eggplant

That's all I know

This meeting is not about any one person in particular

It is a human problem. It's not just a human problem

Flounders frequently experience impotence

especially when converting from male to female

and then back again to male - Really?

Nellie, does the "person" affected by this want us to help her

in any way in particular?

Oh! Oh

It's not me. No, no

I've never had any problem in that arena

And I have been with several older men

How old? How old?

Jinx, buy me some Coke

Dwight told me about it earlier

Dwight?

You promised

Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?

No, no, no, no, no it's not me.

I'm going to prove it right here and now.

What are you doing? Stop that, Dwight

Stop that, stop it

Fine, it was me. I couldn't I had a problem with Erin last night

Happy?

my mind last night and I didn't perform

Okay, it happens to plenty of guys

It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview

Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna?

D-Dog

Um

I'm terrible at math overweight

You're in great shape A lot better shape than I am tell you what.

It seems Andy is the only one with this problem

Fascinating Fascinating

what the problem is Erin doesn't even like sex

Remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton

Chumbo, come on, help me out Any problems with Little Chumbo?

Tip top shape

Stanley No. Mmm-mmm

Creed, you are 1 ,000 years old

Haven't heard any complaints Wouldn't care if I did

Okay, so Actually, Andy

we've experienced it

What happened?

A couple of times. A couple of times?

Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.

Yeah. Get it out there - Yeah, Jim.

Um

Uh, yes, that time that it was very late

Uh.

We had had sex so many times already I was exhausted

Okay, stop. I could barely see I was very drunk

If it makes you feel any better

I never had an orgasm until I was 42

And then when I did, it lasted until I was 44

Forty-three was just

I've read, and I don't know anything about this personally

but they say prostate stimulation can help.

Ugh

This is just a This American Life I think I heard

No, that's absolutely the case. I know, right?

You know my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only

but I could let you rent it

Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life?

Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share?

Wow. Oh What are we talking about?

Toby, doesn't HR have some rules

against talking about this kind of stuff?

Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything

The most important thing to remember is do not stress about this

Stress just makes it worse

and then you stress more and that's a vicious spiral

come in today

Dad, don't think of it as a demotion

just think of it as a promotion to a lower level.

I don't think you have to tell your friends anything

It hasn't been decided yet.

Erin, on the phone memos you're writing the date American style

Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year

Small, bigger, biggest

Oh

Sexual innuendo not intentional.

Shut up. Shut up, liar

"Sexual innuendo not intentional!"

I am sick of your dumb opinions

and if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here

Take them yourself

Our sex life is none of anyone's business

And Andy is the manager Not Nellie

Stop protecting me! I'm a man! I can protect myself

This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry!

I don't mean to lash out at you

There's a lot coming up right now all at once

Dad, go to he I'm taller than you

Okay, just calm down

You are not the manager I earned that job!

chosen after Robert was chosen and quit

Andy, why don't you just take a seat?

Why don't you take a seat, idiot?

Why don't you take all your stupid memos?

And your stupid pens and your dumb caramels

And your stupid face

And your stupid office

Ah! Ow

He does not like that wall

Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.

That would actually be cool I'd love for you to meet some of the guys

Andy, Erin you can join us now

What do you like about Ryan?

Ryan keeps up with all the latest technology trends

And he's very honest with me about when I put on weight

And he has the soul and the body of a poet

Mmm

Ravi's hotter

and looks are subjective,

but there's no question about it

Yeah, but I'm just worried

that I'm only attracted to Rav

because he looks exactly like this Calvin Klein model that I'm attracted to.

Who cares? That's fine

When I was your age, I had to choose between a Ryan and a Rav

and I chose the Ryan

And if I hadn't, I wouldn't have my kids

You'd still have kids

Better kids. You've got to go with Ravi.

Here's my advice Figure out what your heart wants.

And if it's not Ravi, change it. To Ravi

why this is a dilemma for you

He has, like, this je ne sais quoi.

He taught me that

Ravi makes me incredibly happy

And Ryan puts me through so much drama

So I guess I just have to decide

which of those is more important to me

Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager

and put you back on the sales team

we'll all laugh about this incident.

I already think it's kind of funny

No

Excuse me?

I'm saying no

Well, you can't say no

No

Oh. Boo

Holy crap

Boo! Boo! Boo to you Pam, you are toxic You are toxic.

Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, but please don't interrupt

Yeah, but you do a lot, so just don't.

Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you

the way that you for whatever reason

feel you deserve to be treated

But I want to marry you Kelly Kapoor

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but some day.

And probably

Barf! Oh! You suck

What is your problem?

Hey, can we turn this back around quickly please?

Can we turn this around quickly? This is very important to me

Turn around Turn around

Can we turn this * thing around, please? Thank you.

She don't want to turn around. Thank you

Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together,

I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you Nor should I

Modern marriages aren't built that way Men aren't built that way

There's a very interesting article I can email to you

But I can tell you this, even if the odds are 50-50

that we'll break up within the week

Ryan

Will you roll those dice with me?

You mean so much to me

But I love Ravi and I choose him No, you don't

No, you don't

still be friends

Can I have a hug?

Oh. Ew

Well, it's good to see Kelly is maturing.

Oh, God

Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.

No

It's the apology. I really have to insist

No Stop saying "no."

No

Andrew, if you say "no" one more time you're fired.

So, is there anything else you want to say?

No

I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time,

Here.

But you hurt your hand. I got it

Right now? Yes

You're not the least bit curious

to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?

Not at all. Can we go?

"Kapoor and Ka-desperate he watches.'

Second line! "He is a drifter out to sea."

"And when the Indian Ocean calms one speck of white remains

"in waters cold and Kelly green.'

It's just so dumb

But when he describes himself as a child lost on a life raft...

Ryan can never know