Original subtitles

Today is the test paunch day for the inaugural Sabre store.

And l, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation.

If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media,

and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine

Hey, are you holding this chair?

Because I feel like I'm going to fall off

Yeah. Yes. Yes I'm not wearing the right shoes for this

We went over this, okay?

Your tiny fingers make the best knots

Hey, strangers. I'm so stoked for the Sabre store opening

Hey, my name's Tabitha I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store

so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid.

Psst

It's me, Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster

to create hype and it's working

There's already people camped out behind me

NELLIE Test launch day, people.

Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me

To inspire you today

Now I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess

But here's the truth

I was born in the little working-class town of Basildon

and until the age of 32

I talked like this

Which was bloody horrendous, innit?

No, lower than

What's lower than dirt?

Loam. Magma. Mantle Outer core. Inner core.

Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam I came from

when I auditioned for the Spice Girls

get a callback

Which Spice Girl?

The black one

Okay

Now think about my journey here today

and let it inspire your journey.

Okay Nellie, thank you Thank you so much

Yep. Yep

Today is press day, and press is going to make or break this store

And for a tech company press can only mean one thing, bloggers.

Dossier on bloggers

Bloggers are gross Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis

You're going to love them

Ryan is going to be the main event today

He is the pitchman who is going to give

the feisty yet profound speech

worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?

When people see this presentation,

they're going to * in their pants

Come on, man. - Come on

Okay Seriously disgusting

Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers

Ugh! Kill me It was my idea

Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey

on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid

Uh... - Ah

That is excellent

I don't see what that gets us,

but I'm a team player

Perfect casting, right?

Schrute's out to get me, but I'm playing the long game

As soon as he messes up I swoop in like a sexual predator.

of wonder and enthusiasm

as if at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen.

Do you understand?

goose pimples

Speaking of pimples let's release the bloggers!

Morning, everyone

Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning

Don't care. Tell me later Listen, it's important.

You've got to hear this

What do you got?

Oh, my God Do you have a black eye?

Yes, I do, Phyllis

I woke up at 4:00 a.m by accident

in time for the paper to be delivered

Guess what?

It's not a kid on a bike It's a man in a car

Andy, who punched you?

Hey, I was on the can What's this about a black guy in the office?

Black eye, Meredith

Will someone please explain what's going on here?

Since the interesting thing happened until now so much time has passed

It's like my life is buffering

Here's what happened Pam and I were arriving for the day

and there was a gang in the parking lot, on bikes, on motorcycles

And they just were hassling Pam.

That's true.

They had weapons.

Weapons.

to talk some sense into them.

But these were not the kind of people who use their words.

Punches were going, and I ducked a few,

landed a couple, and I was fighting them off.

It was a totally like, senseless crime

Thank goodness he was there. - Good job, Andy.

any of you wouldn't have done.

Open the gates

There's plenty for everyone No need to panic

There's plenty for everyone There's plenty

Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir

Okay, okay! Hey, hey It's going to be fine It's going to be fine

There's plenty of Pyramids

Come on, I was in line before you

So you're a blogger, right?

Yeah

Blogger

God, stay away

Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers

I'm trying to be a good girl for once

Uh, yeah, I already bought my Pyramid but I don't want to leave yet.

since seeing Zooey Deschanel

at the Coachella music festival. So fun.

How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here?

We should call the police right now - Yes

No, no, no, no, no, no We don't need to call the police.

They'll just ask everybody questions

get up in everyone's business right, Pam?

Police are a hassle We settled this on the street

And my eye will heal. But if the police come

then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area

Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?

Because I have neighborhood pride

Guys, guys that's so vague

You got to do the zip plus four

18505-7427

Look, I don't feel safe I think we should call the police.

Yes Exactly, we need to feel safe,

which is why Toby is teaching us self-defense.

Me?

Toby, will you teach us self-defense?

Yeah. I can't believe you remembered

I'll go put on my cup

Great

Yes - Okay.

one of you was Chuck

Yeah, no, it seems to be going great.

Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?

Look at that guy, he's got a Sabre phone on him,

he's not even using it

This is a perfect photo for my daily fail blog.

Uh, I got to go Okay.

Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.

No, no, no, it's good It's really

On the Internet, that's a really good good thing

Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?

I'm very sorry

We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day.

How hard would it have been to do this? Hmm?

Hello. Hi, sweetie, it's Jim I'm calling you from my new Arrowhead

which is why my voice is crystal clear

and my hand won't ever get tired

because of the ergonomic shape

I'm really sorry Is there anything I can do? Maybe pretend to be Chuck?

You could have pretended to be Chuck

I begged you to pretend to be Chuck

But you chose to be yourself and you can no longer be Chuck.

Surrender the tri-pack

You know what you have to do

Point it towards the store, idiot

You know what I mean?

Pick one of these buttons and just

Damn it. Take over

Oh, hey, hey, hey, you guys You must be lost

Listen. Excuse me, sir

The fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank.

Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by.

Okay, so long Here we go.

Erin! Psst! Come on

The elderly suck the life out of the young Get them out of here

We are closed Come on

Self-defense is not some fun boxing match okay?

This is about escaping with your life

So strike scream and run

All right, let's try it

That may have been my fault.

What the hell, Toby?

Okay, look in a real crisis situation

you're not going to have time to think.

Okay? So just remember IAATG

"It's All About The Groin.'

What if you're being attacked by a smallish man

who happens to not have a groin?

I don't think that's very common

But what if you're being attacked

by a 4'1 1" man who's penis-less

Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?

Why don't we start with the basics?

Show us how to defend ourself against a baby

and then like a fifth-grade girl

and then, you know, if we have time on up to a scary man

The most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female

So in that scenario what if the victim

sucker punches the attacker in the face?

What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?

It's interesting that you're drawn

to the point of view of the attacker

You would like The Turn of the Table.

Okay? The latest Chad Flenderman novel

From the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Woo.

Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.

All right, well let's try one simple technique together

Okay, why doesn't everyone stand?

Okay, so you're being attacked

you've got your hands up simple palm strike to the chin

Up to the chin One, two

One, two

One, two

Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome

He is a freelancer for Wired magazine

Patty Grossman I'm a woman.

But you still work for Wired, right?

Yes Good.

Okay. Flirt away

Sabre. It's time to come home.

Yeah

Yeah. I mean, I think It seemed like you were a little nervous.

Yeah, no * Sherlock

Can somebody please tell me something encouraging

about this presentation

before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?

Okay. I know! I know, champ

Just calm down because, listen

when you are out in front of a those people

Yeah, what?

...you just need to realize

so much rides on this

You have no idea

Dwight

I'm trying to make him feel important

I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say

Um

Oh, Ryan, you're so smart

You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg

and those Google guys all combined.

You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about.

It's so ridiculous

You really need to read a couple of books

What's a book?

Oh, my God You're so embarrassing

My mom would say the best stuff though

You can

You can do it, Ryan

And you know that I'm capable of this?

You're the only one who can do it, sweetie

What did you think of the presentation?

I thought it was great, sweetie

I would just fix that one

"Fix" means you hate it I knew it!

I need something to drink!

Jim, get him a water

No, not a water a sports drink!

I hate everything in that fridge

Not red! Get me something yellow or green

from a nearby store Not red!

Why are you just standing there?

Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink.

Now if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse

you better stop playing dead right away

and just make it known that you're alive

Forgive me for interrupting

had an altercation with somebody here

some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?

I think you guys might have the wrong office

That's him. The guy I hit

What?

You've got to be kidding me.

Poor Andy

First you got beat up by a gang and now she kicks your ass

No, Kevin

What about the lady you hit with a pinecone?

There. That chubby one

Yesterday?

Wow. Apologize

Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your "thin" girlfriend

How about we wait until next year after you have your kid?

You know what? Tiffany's going to college

Listen I don't know what you guys are talking about,

but I guess l' just accept your apology so we can get on with our day

God bless. A friend of mine uses your paper

You do good work

Bye-bye. Bye

So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar

how to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.

There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl

My ex-wife used to demolish me.

No, there is shame in it, okay?

We have to draw the line somewhere.

Oh, my God I think I see the imprint of a Ring Pop

Oh

Have you seen Erin?

I'm on break

Oh, my God

No, hey, bloggers, where do you think you're going?

No, you got to stay for the big presentation

We got this young whiz kid, Ryan

He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates

When's the presentation?

It's moments away Just stay here

Hey, Uncle Lucas it's your nephew, Ryan

Honestly, I could use a prescription for Ritalin right now

Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol.

So it's different because it's your wife?

Well, that doesn't make any sense to me

How are you doing? Don't talk to me right now

I'm sorry. I know you're my boss

but seriously, you need to get

the hell out of my face

Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it

Sorry about kicking you out

It's just we don't want our brand associated with death

It's okay I'll go to the Costco and search for handsome men

You're not married yet?

Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend

He passed away

My best friend was my boss, Andy

We dated for a while but since then,

he rejected me and we're not really friends

Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas?

Forget him

Yeah. Forget him And you should forget your husband

Well

How long has he been in the bathroom?

Like 10 minutes

Geez, what's he doing in there?

Oh, that's my phone

Am I allowed to answer it or are you going to freak out?

Are there bloggers around?

It's Ryan

"I'm sorry. I lied I'm not in the bathroom

"I can't do it I need to see my mom

"I'm going home.'

What is the delay here?

Where is Ryan?

Why is he not here?

As brilliant and creative as he is

he is nothing compared to this guy

Uh.

What?

That's right. Will you just give us a second?

You are going to bloody ruin it. You're going to bloody ruin it

because you're a no-good, half-assed, cockeyed numpty

Okay. Okay

Jim I'm not doing the presentation

Look at me. Look at me Look at this face

This is not the face of a performer

This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die

I'm telling you, if you don't do this, I don't stand a chance

Please, Jim

Okay, I'll do it

Oh, my God. Okay

Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes.

A costume?

Of course there's a costume

Oh, this is going to be great

There's nothing like some last minute changes

to really energize a presentation. Huh?

Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?

I've been in here for 20 seconds.

Hurry up! Let me in I want to watch you get dressed.

Did you find the eyeliner?

I'm not wearing eyeliner

You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.

Time, space, gender

There are no rules anymore.

All boundaries are breaking down

in the wake of the infinite future

The only thing that The only thing that remains...

The only thing that remains

are the things that have stood the test of time

Love, values and of course the Pyramids

The strongest shape ever constructed.

A shape that fits all other shapes inside of it.

No, that's

Mmm. It's true

This is the future because this is the past

I've been through a lot of issues in my life

I've seen drug addiction unemployment

I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart

without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain

Yep

When I was 10 years old my parents took me to Disney world

I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me

This is what the Pyramid will do for you.

It is the bridge to the world.

It has the USB port

Wireless will be available in 201 3

You can play anything from Chuck to Cars 2.

With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything

In time and space

Psst

Oh

Sabre. It's time to come home.

All right. Thank you so much. Wow

Wow

And good night

Yeah

Okay, this isn't over Let's stay focused, okay?

We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl

but little things can be dangerous

Whether it's a gremlin or Chucky the doll,

the key is to throw it in something

like a fireplace or a tub of electricity

Okay, good point. Um

Good point? What is a tub of electricity?

With all due respect

we know what we're defending against

It's a 12-year-old female bully.

Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby

Yeah

Yeah, that's not a bad idea actually

because I have had a lot of pent-up aggression

Thanks. - Good! Go

I don't know whether this is gonna help

All right, Kelly

We should stay to maybe some more traditional models.

You think you're so pretty?

You're not going to be so pretty come prom-time

Okay, this is what's called Take that!

...pre-violent posture Take that

Not so pre-violent anymore

I'm in what's called the decision point.

Hey, hey, hey Kelly! Kelly!

Ow

My good eye

Oh, boy

Oh, no, I'm not laughing at you

I'm laughing at something that Cece did

on the playground earlier yesterday, this morning.

You know why I got hit by girls?

Because I stood up for others.

Pam and Toby

didn't care that I was standing up to girls.

You may want to ask yourselves, where were you when the girls came?

Tough day, yes But I feel good

I put the office in their place

took a bunch of painkillers drank half a bottle of wine took my pants off.

Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it.

We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation.

Dwight, you're the vice president

Yeah Okay! Come on!

Right on

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam

Boom