Original subtitles

Val, I need the space

All right guys, clear out

Everybody out

Promise me you're going to clean up.

what I'm going to do or not do

Promise me

Obviously I'm going to clean up

Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying

"Hey, we're uptight You can't dance."

And then, you have to be like "Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.'

And then, we dance.

Oh, how we dance.

Sex also works

Hey, Jim's back from jury duty.

Hey! Tuna He's back

Hey

Oh, look at this

Tuna wrap Okay

Hand roll

How was jury duty?

Pretty uneventful actually.

let someone like you serve on a jury

Makes me question the whole judicial system

What was the case?

A hit and run

Ooh! The case of the hit and run. That's exciting.

Did you send him to the slammer?

No. Not guilty

Of course you found him not guilty

He apologized And I just really want him to like me. Mmm!

We're best friends actually.

We're going wine tasting next weekend if you want to come

Not coming Have plans.

Okay

I did get called into jury duty

And they released me around noon

so I didn't think it was worth it

to come back to work for a half day.

And then the next morning, Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids

so I took an extra day to help out.

And then three other days happened

Ah

Angela had the baby

Is it black? Because that would be hilarious

Why?

You know

Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?

A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up

Maybe a little bit

Oh. Did I win the pool?

Uh, no Right month wrong year.

No one won the pool Angela wasn't due for another month.

We should all go to the hospital and visit her

Oh, I'd love to, but

Oh, man, I would, but I can't miss any more work

Well, Kevin and I have to go because accounting is its own little family.

Yeah, Oscar's the dad I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

Everyone, our very own Angela

We all got the e-mail Some of us are going to go visit

Oh, I am so in

It's the perfect blend of love and horror

Things can go so wrong or so right

Come on, Judge Judy tell us your case. What were the deets?

It was actually a pretty boring case

How could it be boring? You were there for five days Titillate us

Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until 6:00 twice to cover for you.

My wife got to the TV first.

I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles.

Yeah. My car got smashed visiting one of your clients

and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change

Wow. I'm really sorry

Yeah

I never considered that my week off

would make everyone else's job harder

The least I could do was give them a good story

So Phyllis he was here and then

the car came and it was like that.

Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually

You know when I was on J-duties strangler case,

we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from Ernesto's

Oh, man, Ernesto's

That was our favorite restaurant, too

You mean food truck Ernesto's was a food truck

Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas

Nobody cares about the empanadas

I was in Los Angeles last year

Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS,

but that's not important

While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere

Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them

and nobody calls them restaurants

Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen

Gabe, bring it in

how many of you have seen a premature baby before.

It's going to be really tiny so please don't say anything offensive

Got that, bimbo?

Got it, bimbo

Yes?

Knock, knock.

Hi. - Uh

I don't want What are you guys doing here?

We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite

Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy Philip Halsted Lipton

Philip is so fat

Kevin

You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar

You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby

Yes, he's substantial Hey

He's more than substantial He's a monster.

So this whole hit and run thing

there's this one part I can't figure out.

You said it was at a four-way stop?

Mmm-hmm

And the victim rode his bicycle into the left-hand turn lane

but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?

Mmm-hmm

See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is

you never said he was on a bicycle.

Busted, Halpert! Yes Wait. No

Andy, get out here

was on a bicycle

wasn't listening to you

a citizen's arrest

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to beg for mercy.

You have the right to request judgment by combat Dwight's rights

What's up, gangsters?

Jim was lying about jury duty

He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing,

I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!

Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory

saying that the victim...

Dwight I have me on the record

saying to you take a chill pill all right?

I don't need to take a chill pill

Here, right there

Down the hatch

I really don't want to take a chill pill.

That a boy, good Now, chill.

Okay, okay

But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty

you would have to fire him, right?

Yeah, sure. Of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu

Ha-ha

Good enough for me

Ah

And Pam was just going crazy trying to take care of Philip

because Cece has been out of control recently.

Look, Andy, it doesn't matter The truth is I just feel terrible lying to you.

getting lied to

No one's ever lied to me before

Okay

I think the best thing to do right now

is just come clean and tell everybody

No. Not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No

Here's what we're going to do

We're going to have ourselves a good old fashioned cover-up

You ever heard of a Connecticut cover up? No

You know why you never heard of it?

Covered it up

Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?

They used to call me King Tut

because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps

My nickname was actually King Butt

because I had a king-sized butt

Where do you want it parked?

Okay, everybody Gather round.

Got a real special surprise for you

Ernesto

Hola, Toby!

Uh, I'm going to say "l" when I'm talking for Ernesto

so instead of, "He says blah, blah, blah,'

I'm going to say, "I say blah, blah, blah,' but that's for him.

Anyway, it was something like he remembers Toby.

"I remember Toby.'

Oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?

It's the empanada guy

The empanada guy

Holy *. Damn it, Toby No, I wasn't asking you.

Ask him if he remembers Jim

No

He says no

He says no. Boom

Yeah, but who remembers all their customers?

I mean, I can name like three of our clients

He remembers Toby the most forgettable man in the known world

He doesn't want any trouble.

He sees lots of people

they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.

Uh, you guys are going to love these, so empanadas on me

You guys got to try them

Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.

Great And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas

Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?

Why? Everybody's heard it

Walk us through it

What time would you get there every morning?

Hey, Murder, She Wrote,

how about we drop the whole Murder, She Wrote thing, okay?

Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning

How do I know? Because I drove him there

Why? Why?

Why?

Because my car broke down

His car broke down so he called me

because I live near the courthouse

Wait, wait, you live by the courthouse

You drove from near the courthouse out to Jim's house

and then back to the courthouse?

Thirty minutes out 30 minutes back easy hour.

And I would watch that cute, little tooshy

scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning

and that was that

I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

We're getting buried out there

What was that stuff about the car breaking down?

Well, I think you handled it pretty well

I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim, I can't keep spinning gold out of your *

Okay, listen, all right?

Dwight's onto us. He's going to figure it out really soon

So let's just get ahead of it. Let's tell the truth

I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

Wow, it's so

healthy

I'm going to call him Little Kevin

No, you will not

Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds

This

Yeah, this feels like more than that

No, no, no he's nine pounds seven ounces.

Nine pounds? Really?

I thought you said five You know what? I was under so many drugs

a James Taylor concert or something

So, what did you bring?

Oh, yeah, I don't know if it's right, but...

Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper

you hit it out of the park

Oh

Preemie pajamas

Again, it may not be the right size, I can

No, I think he came early just so he could wear these

Thank you

Call of Duty.

This baby is clearly not premature

They're lying about the date it was conceived

It's very interesting

And her husband's gay I don't even know which thread to follow.

Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second?

First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry

I didn't know that my absence last week

would have been a burden on any of you

Because, though I did have jury duty last week,

they did dismiss me early on Monday.

And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious.

I kind of, well maybe took the week off

What?

Funny? No? Nobody laughed

You're screwed

Oh! It's happening. It's really happening

What the hell, Jim I covered for your bony butt

Pam really needed some help with the kids, so...

I promise my intentions were good

Your clients, they're all mine

Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up.

And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse

Uh, I did

Every morning And if I didn't then I hope I die

All right, well, let's get this show on the road, shall we?

Allow me to give you a hand Here we are.

So long, clump mate

I'm going to miss you Truth be told,

I never thought that this was how it was going to end

I was going to defeat you somehow

but you've defeated yourself

Dwight, cut it out I'm not firing Jim.

No, no, no, no you said...

ANDY I know what I said

Jim, you're in deep doo-doo you understand?

And I have one thing to say to you

and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office

Look me in the eye

That's it?

This is crap

You've reached Gabe Lewis. I'm currently indisposed.

Leave me a message. Ciao.

Gabe, it's Dwight again

Highest priority triple urgent.

Call me immediately That means ASAP

I'm going to find Gabe tell him what Jim did

and let the little stickler do what he does best, stickle

Honestly, I can return this for a larger size

It's fine Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right?

It's not the barrio

The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate

Little Kevin

Really? Angela

Fine. God

Philip was conceived nine months ago.

The Senator and I wanted to wait

but we had just seen Thor,

and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata

Chicken marsala Right

And, the point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock

Hmm

And now you all know but you can never tell

I'm serious

Dwight

Hey

Oh. Hey, have you seen Gabe?

He went to the car or something but he'll be back.

Okay

Don't you want to see the baby?

Why? I know what Angela and the Senator look like

I can mash that up in my head right now

wouldn't tell

So don't

Angela got pregnant before the wedding.

What?

She got pregnant before the wedding

How long before? A month

You didn't hear it from me

Yes, I did

Dwight? Dwight.

Well, Angela will make you cut your fingernails It's not worth it

Oh

Yes

Oh

What a beautiful child Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose.

You will lead millions

willingly or as slaves

That baby is a Schrute, and unless somebody taught Mose sex

that baby is mine

He's hungry

Oh, that's my cue to leave.

No, you don't have to I'm going to wear this cover.

Still

You won't be seeing

Do you want the giraffe?

Yes, I am bringing my kids in to help me get out of this hole.

And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam

Hi

Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here

Whoa, whoa, whoa Game face, baby. Game face

Oh, right. Okay

Hey, Stanley it's great to see you

No, that's overdoing it I think.

Hi, Stanley. Split the difference

Jim. Okay. Let's go

Hi

Hi, everybody

What? Oh, hi

How about a little visit?

Wow. What a surprise That's crazy

You guys get to meet the little heck raisers

Hey, Angela's back with her baby.

Yes, well, you guys all know Cece,

but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.

You guys

He's licking on my finger just like my cat does.

Let me have a turn

No, it's the pacifier's turn

All right

Did you say something about

this one bringing in something for these people?

Yes. Cece wanted to thank everybody

for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play

so she brought you a little treat

Oh, cookies?

No. But that would have been a really good idea

That would have been really good

No, she brought you drawings

Oh, my goodness, let's take a look at these

They're usually amazing so let's see. Yep, they are

Uncle Andy

Oh

Aunt Phyllis

Wow. These are incredible Cece, did you do these?

No

She says no to everything. You know, she thinks my name is "No.'

Cece, do you want some broccoli?

Yes

No

It's crazy

Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?

ANDY There is crosshatching in some of these

That's kind of advanced for a 2-year-old.

Cece, this is your big sister, Kelly

Did you color this pretty picture?

No

So then this means nothing to you?

Hey, Cece

why don't you draw another picture for us exactly like this one

or at least in the exact same style?

You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command.

That's very weird Just take that. Thank you.

I think we should just wrap up the show kiddos, right?

else we can do here

Okay. All right

It's okay, sweetie All right

All right. Okay

It's okay

Shh

Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me

Every baby looks just like you

Your face kind of looks like a baby

Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?

That is completely untrue

Completely true

No Remember?

You said that Robert was not fulfilling you

And I said that I could fulfill you

and you said "I'd like to see you try.'

And then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls

That didn't happen

Then I inserted my penis into your...

No! Stop it! Dwight

...vagina and

And even if it did, it's just a coincidence

Admit that there is a chance. I will not

Admit it I will not

It's not

All done? Yes

Yes. He's sleeping

Before I go, may I?

Sure

Watch the head Watch the head

Nurse! You know that baby in there? Baby Philip?

Cancel the circumcision

Who are you?

what that means

We're going to circumcise him

Cece, want to come?

No

Want to come play? Oh, bud, I know.

Do you have a pacifier?

Yeah. I'm looking I'm looking for the pacifier.

Cece Okay, we're going

We got to go All right, we're going home

I know

You gotta grab her I'll go grab her. Okay

Okay. Here we go Here we go.

Okay, I'm just going to go down to the car, and I'm going to put her

in her seat and I'll be right back up

We'll see you tomorrow

No, no, it's okay I'll be right back.

No, just go home

It's all good We got this.

Last week Jim at home

that was no vacation

Jim, just go

Hey, we'll be just fine

Thanks, guys

All right, here we go Let's go

Oh!

Phew

Dwight, what the hell?

You can't smoke in here

Oh, all right

Ah

The office looks different now Mmm

Smaller

Maybe I just feel bigger

Hello, Gabe

You had something important to tell me?

Oh. You know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant

Jim? Oh, right No, forget it.

He was doing it for his kids I get it

Kids drive us dads crazy.

Sometimes I feel like they're raising us.

Am I right?