Original subtitles

Christmas time is here!

Wow! Thanks, guys That sounded amazing

Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever

to make holiday wishes come true

Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?

Holiday wishes. What's that, Stanley?

We know exactly what holiday you're referring to

It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party

I've been here 18 years and I've suffered

through some weird thematic Christmases

A Honolulu Christmas a Pulp Fiction Christmas

a Muslim Christmas Moroccan Christmas

Mo Rocca Christmas

Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas

I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday

Might not have been the best idea

Kwanzaa wreath

I don't need a dreidel in my face That's its own thing.

And who's that black Santa for?

I know Santa ain't black I could care less.

I want Christmas. Just give me plain

baby-Jesus-lying-in-a-manger Christmas

What is the status on my wish? Fulfilled

Brought my bicycle so I can be your designated driver later,

in the event that you drink too much which is by no means required

What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings

that degrade our sense of adulthood?

That, I cannot do

But I did get you an acre of property on the moon

Where, dark side or light side?

Light side Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

As a matter of fact, yes Directly adjacent.

Beachfront Thank you, Andy.

So whose wish is next? What about Santa's wish?

My biggest wish is that you a get along well with Jessica

Come on, guys, Jessica

Jim, tell them who Jessica is

She's not your grandmother is she?

Gam-Gam's name is Ruth, Jim

You should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time

Jessica is my super serious girlfriend,

who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy.

Only thing that's not serious by the way, our repartee

That's great When you know, you know

Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?

Totally out of your league

So, in summation, ho ho

please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe

is not an excuse for sexual assault

And don't go near Gam-Gam

I love Jessica, and l haven't even met her yet

It's like, we don't even need to meet, you know?

I already love you. Stay home

I just want you to know that I will be mean

to Jessica, if you want me to be

Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly

It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.

That's okay I don't want you to do that

Hello

Merry Christmas, Erin

Kelly, happy Pancha Ganapati

Ew. What is that?

The five day Hindu celebration in December

honouring the god Ganesh patron of the arts

Cool

Hey, man. Hey

How you holding up?

Because of your wife leaving you

Kevin

I actually appreciate the human intimacy.

I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla

Yeah

It's been 10 days since I had sexual intercourse

Well, you came to the right place.

It... This party will cheer you right up

I hope so. The corporate party was wretched

I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas

It's rock and roll for people who don't like rock and roll.

It's rap for people who don't like rap

It's pop for people who don't like pop

Ah

Heartbreaking

Oh. Thank you

Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off and put on my hard ass hat

but this is serious

It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless

wants to switch desk clumps

Fine with me. Jim can leave any time he wants

Good-bye Wasn't me

It wasn't either of you

Cathy wants to leave our clump?

Don't look. Who it was is not important

But she did say that your constant pranking

and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy.

She or he. I just want to say this is not my fault

Okay, the weak always bully the strong

contrary to what you see in the media

acting in self-defense

Occasionally preemptive self-defense

Ow! What are you doing? Hey! Hey!

Respect the hat

Pam never seemed to have a problem with us

All right I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand

Moe-nay

What was it? What is it?

Money

You both have sizeable Christmas bonuses coming your way

If I catch either of you messing with the other

I will give both bonuses to the other person

Can't do that No, absolutely not.

You need consequences Okay, I want you both walking on eggshells.

Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy

Jessica, yes. We don't say hi. We hug

I'm Erin. Sorry. Ooh

I hope you feel really welcome We all want you here

Oh

My ex is meeting my sex

Which is always scary

You know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis.

That's just part of it

Hey! Jess, Erin

I hope you're not talking about my penis

Hi Hi

Hey, everyone I want you to meet Jessica

She is an assistant cross-country coach at Bryn Mawr.

Wow

Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist

Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office

Which is funny, actually because my spine is a mess

What? Oh

Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did

Oh, no

Oh, no, it's kicking in

Spontaneous scoliosis

Oh

This thing could take your arm off your head off.

You know, just exercise caution

Thank you All right

All right

Oh, yeah

and there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight I wanted to tell you about

Isn't that just for popsicles?

Popsicles?

Yeah, like, upstairs people 'Cause you got a stick up your butt.

Ah. See, I thought it was because they're all so rich

they could eat popsicles all the time

What? I... in my

Well, you should definitely come The foreman always comes

Plus it's fun you know, cookies smoked fish

alcohol, people acting stupid

You had me at "cookies". I can't wait to find out what they are

What should I wear?

Oh, it's nice. It's real nice People get dressed up.

I will look so handsome for you, Darryl

Uh.

I'm gonna

Dwight really wants my bonus

He's trying to entrap me

Oh, God, now I can't drink at this thing

I get really pranky when I drink

Erin, what can I get for you?

Do you have cola? Kirkland, if you have it

Why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola

when you can get some from the kitchen?

Did some small part of you want something a little stronger?

Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar come and take these shots.

Yes

Will do

The fifth one is for you, Erin You can take it or leave it

To take it would be to accept that you're

at a party, and you're an adult woman

and you have an adventurous spirit

To leave it would be fine, too

One, two, three Yes

Okay

Wow

Whoo! Hey, hey, nice

Jiminy Christmas

Jiminy Christmas, indeed

Hit her up Oh, yes.

Yeah. - Wow

Yeah, I just got my replacement credit card

Do you want the number? Oh, it's 4-7-9-3

0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3

The security code is 9-2-7

Okay, great thank you very much

Bye

So Dwight did take the bait

He used my credit card numbers to send a $200 bouquet of flowers

to my wife

From me

Boom

Look, it's Christmas so you're allowed...

Hello

compared to normal

You usually dress like a Ghostbuster

Okay. I thought you'd wear a sweater

Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"?

Am I your grandson?

Come on, stay, all right?

It's good for people to get to know you.

As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars maybe.

and then I want a sugar cookie

And then I want my nap

That's right

Thank you

She is remarkable

Edgy impressions Thank you

How many drinks have you had tonight?

driving everybody home

A thousand Woah!

Maybe you should take a break

Maybe you should mind your own business

Just kidding

Ah! I've been attacked

Oh, my God. Someone put a porcupine in my drawer

Oh, my God

Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I reached into my drawer

to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder

and all of a sudden I was attacked

by this bloodthirsty rabid creature.

who has access to a porcupine?

Or who in this office knows that I have access

and is trying to set me up?

Hmm You know, this sounds a lot like the premise

of my latest Chad Flenderman novel

A Murder for Framing.

Chad Flenderman. Just an easy-going black guy who knows

the streets, yet he also went to Oxford

So just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One

And he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.

Toby, nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.

No, no, no, no, no women chase him. He misses his wife

Hello, lacerated hand here, folks

Nice try This is ridiculous

Oh, is it really?

Two separate times you have set me up to believe

that I was being recruited by the CIA

Three times, actually You see?

Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it

Andy, you've got to be kidding me

Fingerprints can be planted

You know with a severed hand

Do you think that's what happened?

Do you think he used a severed hand?

Okay, you know what why don't we just call Animal Control?

You might want to run that by Angela. 'Cause it's so cute

No. Porcupines don't have souls They're like dogs

Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin

We have a very rabid porcupine in our office

Someone should come pick it up.

Come down right away

I don't know, let me ask Were you quilled?

Yes, I was quilled

And what's its name? Henrietta

Oh

What? Uh

All right. Get her out of here, Dwight

Hey

Guys, I just wanted to say Come here.

guys are together. Okay?

And you both have such beautiful hair

Thank you

And who knows? Maybe at the wedding I meet someone.

Okay

And later on tonight I hope I see you guys kiss

Yay.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go do another reverse spit.

That's how the coo kids say "get a drink.'

That's... That's the girl you dated?

Yeah, she's not always like that. It's

No, she seems fun

Yeah, excuse me. Okay

Hey Hey

Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?

Every martini has an olive

Okay

Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something

I don't want to put you out but if someone's making oatmeal

I'll take an apple cinnamon

and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk

Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish

Okay It's about you.

That's not what it should be It should just be like a trinket or something

It's that I wish Jessica was dead

You mean you wish she wasn't here or something

I wish she was in a graveyard under the ground

with worms coming out of her mouth

Hey, you know, you can't say that, okay?

That's my girlfriend that you're talking about

You and I are not together anymore

You need to get over it Take your wish back.

Too late. It's already been wished

And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an e-ma

So which one are you a murderer or a liar?

Hey Hey

So there was talk of oatmeal

You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying

You look like a princess

Yeah Thanks.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt I just found this on my desk

and need to talk to somebody about it

Can you believe that?

Is that Cece? Yes, it is

Oh, man. That's awful

Cece is Jim's daughter

Oh, my God

How could somebody do that?

I know. I mean the way I see it is

you can deface any picture of me

Any one. Pick one Not my kid, though

Who did this? Who did this?

Do you know who did this? I don't

Dwight? Yeah, he did

What? No He should pay.

He is gonna pay This is fire-able.

Okay - It's... I mean...

Let me just see it one more time

You know what? I know who my friends are now

But I shouldn't have got you involved

Because the truth is I don't even really care about this picture

It's a little out of focus

It was probably an accident right? Like...

That's no accident

Right. You're right So maybe it was me who did it By accident.

What? I'll figure it out

Get to the bottom of it Merry merry.

Enough of this garbage

This is Christmas

Christmas

You all right, Santa?

You know those movies where two friends

are sleeping together and it's like

hey, can they stay friends?

Yes

Do you think two friends who are

not sleeping together can stay friends?

Two friends who are not sleeping together

can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.

No. l... I don't know

Okay By the way

I'm not gonna mess with your and Dwight's bonuses

causing more problems

So just be yourselves have fun,

and try not to let it affect your work

All right I will definitely do that

All right. I'll tell Dwight

You know what? You're sitting and thinking

And it's probably better if it comes from me anyway

Christmas miracles do happen

Yes, they totally do

You can't click on these Kardashian links

That's why you have so many viruses

Well, help me, okay?

I'm trying, but

You need to... Kelly

Yo. On it. Game on

I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful. Awful

Jessica, did you just fart?

And that is how it's done

Let's you and I take a walk Oscar, you're in charge of the bar

What? I haven't bartended in forever

Never considered myself a mixologist

Oh, this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar pestle, muddler

Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?

Your heart is broken

So's mine And?

And what?

And do you have any advice or anything...

Oh, my God. ...to help me feel better?

I've been married thrice and each

has ended in an acrimonious divorce

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice

I was hoping you were going to make me feel better

When you do your makeup, how long does it take usually? 'Cause

It depends

Chad Flenderman's kryptonite...

Woah

We got a real Clarence Thomas here

Hi

I'll see you at home. Okay Okay, great.

Perfect. Bye

get why you can't

just call her a cab and pay for it

I would, it just... That wasn't the holiday wish

Either he drives or I drive and now I'm drunk and mad

Okay, bye Okay, bye

All right, come on, Meredith

Bye. Thank you, Santa

You bet

Thank God Erin's getting a ride home with Robert

'cause she is trashed

And who better to drive her home than Robert?

a stand up guy, you know

I mean he's going through a lot. Separating from his wife

showing up at the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer

Let's go, let's go MEREDITH I'm coming, I'm coming.

I'm coming, I'm coming

Hang on. All right

Woah! My stuff What? What is all that?

It's my valuables

It's junk

This is my treasures No, they're my treasures

You're a hoarder. My God

No, I'm not! I'm gonna sell it on eBay

No, no, no, you be careful

Be careful Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.

What are we gonna do with all that bonus money Henrietta, huh?

Where are we? This ain't my street

Oh. This is the posh part of town, huh?

Oh, my God

Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood.

Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now

Erin, it was great fun tonight.

Take a few aspirin, drink a whole lot of water sleep in in the morning.

Thank you. Good night

What are you smiling for?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm sure I am not

Let's get you home

Ow

Take it easy

Oh, man

Fell asleep. Took a nap

Hey, guys I feel refreshed now

How's it going? Dwight

Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now

Mmm. Cookies

What's everyone staring at?

Oh, man I was supposed to tell Dwight something

Come on, Jim