Original subtitles

Erin, hey

In two minutes, I want you to come into this meeting

and tell me that I have a really important phone call

I'm not going to take it

because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me

Who's calling? Nobody

Just say that I'm... Just make it up that I have a phone call

And then I'm going to refuse to take it

You're not going to take it?

Just make up a phone call.

It's not a real call

Just make it up

Oh, okay. And then come in and tell me.

Okay

It doesn't matter what it is.

You're not going to get it, though.

I'm not going to take it.

And then he's going to be like

"Wow, this is a really important meeting."

Copy that. Okay

Okay, so

tell me exactly what kind of deal

you are getting right now and I'll tell you how we can beat it

Well, we've been going with

Andy?

Yeah?

You have a very important call

I'm sorry, I'm with a very important client It'll have to wait

Are you sure? It's really, really important

There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting

Really? Because your mother is dead

Oh, my God

I don't think she's dead

She's dead. She was hit by a bus

She's not dead This is exactly

the kind of thing my mom pulls

This isn't one of those times It's the police

They said it's the worst they've ever seen

Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother

My deepest condolences

You must take this call. It's...

Yeah, line one?

Line two

Okay

Hi It's Darryl.

Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.

Oh

Gosh

Dude. Thank you, Officer

Look, man, this is a bad idea.

Did she have any last words or

Really? That is messed up, man.

Make sure that your client gets the best deal possible

You're a bad man, Andy Bernard.

That is so Mom That stuff can come back and get you.

It's called karma. You do not want to be messing...

All right but thank you, Officer

I've got an uncle...

Erin, please hold all my other calls

Where were we?

Hey, Cathy Hi

How's it going? Everything make sense?

I think everything is under control.

Great You should sit down.

No, I'm fine

No, I should go fill out my paperwork

Okay

That was just me Pregnant Pam

And I make sounds much worse than this

We know

I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave

I should have mentioned I'm pregnant

You probably didn't notice because

it's impossible to tell because I'm so small

But yeah, I'm pregnant

Oh, come on

Hey. Asking for a friend

do you happen to know if that new girl is single?

Doubt it

Yeah. Me, too

You doubt it?

What's that?

Why do you doubt that she's single?

Honestly, I have no idea I just figured we'd save her from Ryan, right?

What are you doing with my lunch?

I'm delivering it from the fridge

It's like a porno. "Hey, did anybody order a pizza?'

It's not pizza

Yeah, and we're not about to make love.

I just thought maybe you'd want

to eat lunch at your desk today

so that during lunch we could go down

to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes

I like the sound of that Is Kevin here?

You tell me

So word on the street is she has a boyfriend

Well, he's probably a drug dealer

That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend.

You just You get her hooked on blow

It's going to be nice to have just like a

healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.

Yes, aesthetically speaking, strictly

Yeah

She adds a nice presence - Good energy.

Yeah, it's going to be nice to have

someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?

No, no. Not even

I'm kidding

Oh, my gosh, you guys She's obviously super cute. I get it.

But I'd like to point out there is 50 pounds

more of me to love if that's your thing

Pam, you look more beautiful now than ever

Radiant

Thank you, guys. Really, thank you very sweet.

Yeah, you have this sexy glow.

Well, it's one of the most common fetishes

Really? Well, thank you all

You know, it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due

You know who's gorgeous?

Helen Mirren Yes

Yes, have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing

What would be the hottest thing ever is a pregnant Helen Mirren

Ooh

Okay, okay. Okay, no, no, no.

This is disgusting. Do you realize what you're saying?

The hottest thing ever would be a 66-year-old pregnant woman?

In this case, yes No

There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction

And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them

to mollycoddle a pregnant woman

No, we're not. No

Yes, you are

And another thing Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironoff

That's right, you're fake salivating over a Soviet-era Russian

Nice scatting, man

Thank you. I think I said "doop" instead of "boop" at one point

Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look

Hey, screw you

Hey, Robert. Are we meeting early?

Just taking a stroll

What exactly have I stumbled upon here?

Well, we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.

You're a band?

Thank you

We're called Kevin and the Zits

That was never agreed upon

I miss being in a band

Miss no more What do you play? Join us

I have a tambourine

Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right?

CEOs don't play tambourines Tambourines are for girlfriends.

I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car

Great Nice.

Guys, Robert is going to be a zit.

Again, never agreed upon

I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California

and now he wants to be in our band

And when you're in a rock and roll band

with somebody, you're bonded for life

Usually that life is short and tragic

That's okay, right?

Yeah, even cooler

We all got to go sometime

Hey Hey

Helen Mirren. Hot?

Yeah. Super pretty

Huh

What about Cathy?

The temp?

Yeah, do you think she's hot? Nope

I'm not asking if you're into her

Just objectively, do you find her attractive?

I'm telling you I don't

You don't find Cathy attractive?

No, I don't

No, I'm not going to tell my nine months pregnant wife

that I find her replacement objectively attractive.

Just like I'm not going to tell my 2-year-old daughter

that violent video games are objectively more fun

It's true but it doesn't help anybody

Look at her

Even I want some fries with that shake

Okay. I don't. So are we good?

That's just absurd

Yes, because she's hot, right?

Her breasts are large her waist is small,

her reproductive health in ample evidence.

Facial symmetry, come on

The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently.

Like you're a kid, almost.

They lose all sense of boundaries.

They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true.

I know it sounds nuts but I think Dwight

is the only one who's telling me the truth.

Dwight, am I hot right now?

Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now?

I can't impregnate you and that's the driving

force between male-female attraction

What about before? Was I attractive before?

Eh.

You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight gradual decline.

And a steep drop off when you got pregnant for the first time.

Gradual recovery and

Well, now obviously you're at an all-time low

Hmm

I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy

You think Jim's lying? That's so cute

I know he's lying

5 bucks if you can get him to admit it

Done

I never touch a pregnant woman

Yeah, that's the Dwight I need

If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules

Okay

Rule one, our only loyalty is to the truth

I think so. Okay

Rule two, we stop at nothing

What is that... Is it... Well, okay

Rule three

Don't fall in love

Yup. Good

We're going to bust this guy

Honesty is very important to me

So important And then we will destroy the man himself

Let's just see how we fee when we get there.

Well, you came to the right person.

You have to follow your intuition, Pam

You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren

Actually, what am I saying? You wish you had her life. No offense, Pam.

None taken What have you got?

It is called the Matchmaker Test and it is very powerful

Basically, we have Pam ask Jim which

of his friends he would set up with Cathy

If Jim picks a really hot friend

then we know he thinks that Cathy's hot

Hmm

Hey, you found us

You guys sound great, man.

Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough local musician,

and the officiate at my wedding.

Local musician?

Local legend. I used to come hear you

play every week at the Deerhead

Dude, you're on TV

You're the sportscaster on Channel Seven.

Go, Eagles

You do that on TV

You guys mind if they join us?

No. Yeah, sure

Guys, I've got some instruments right here

Hey, why don't you and me play those?

Yeah?

Okay, this is awesome

What shall we play?

Maybe we should warm up with some scales?

Midnight Rambler? Yeah.

Midnight what?

Have you heard about the midnight rambler?

Hey, this is crazy

Hey, I was talking to Cathy Turns out she is single.

Oh, I stand corrected

I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone

Any ideas?

Oh. You know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.

Mike Tibbets, really?

Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy?

What kind of car does he drive?

Not his mom's car

Yeah, because his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.

Touché?

Kelly, calm down

I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair

Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs

I don't think Jim cares about his hair

Yeah, but I do, Pam. Okay?

It's called being a nice person

I don't see what's so ugly about him

He's got the broad face of a brewer

Jim's on to me Hmm?

Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike.

We had to go through like two levels

of friends to even find his profile.

Jim picked someone just unattractive

enough to shut me up without tipping it

Just ugly enough to have deniability

Yup

Mike Tibbets is like the most boring looking guy I know.

So if that was for the Matchmaker Test, I think I'm in the clear

If that wasn't for the Matchmaker Test then

Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

Well, Jim may be lying with his words

but he can't lie with his body

I'm going to write something mean on his wall

No, Kelly, don't

The male reveals attraction

through unconscious and involuntary physical signs.

The puffing of the chest

Mirroring

Increased blood flow to the crotch

I say we start there

With the crotch? With the crotch?

With the crotch

Whoo

Psst

We're not here. Who said that?

Exactly

How'd I get this long triangle?

Okay, just shut up

Is he puffing out his chest?

I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken

Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?

No. Maybe he just said something funny

Jim has no discernible sense of humour, Pam. You should know that.

I think he's just making her laugh

Time for me to find out

Why is he making her laugh so much?

Just going to walk over here. Whoa

I'm slipping and falling! I'm stumbling. I need something to grab onto

Hey, are you okay? I'm fine

Dwight! Dwight I'm totally fine

Yes?

What? Jim?

Sorry about that

Cramp. I'm just Dwight

Why?

I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance

Leave

Does your husband ever have soft erections?

Because if not I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing

Why was he making her laugh so much?

Hey, I'll just be a second

Yeah, take your time Okay.

That line from Zoolander. Mmm-hmm?

It was from a deleted scene so we were both right

Told you

Do I hand in my expense reports

to a particular accountant or

Oscar, Cathy has a question

Sorry, I'll just go ask Oscar

Yeah? You okay?

Why won't you just admit that she's attractive?

It's kind of annoying that you won't say it

Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?

Well, Dwight had this idea and I thought it was kind of crazy

but maybe that's where we are now

She called it crazy? Man

That's insulting All I did was

propose a makeshift lie detector test.

Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse

perspiration and breathing rate.

Yeah, it's nuts But I don't know what else to do

And she called it nuts?

Seriously, that was hot

Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going

Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?

Are you serious?

From Star Trek?

Hey, you caught some of that?

I caught it

What, you don't like the Blues?

I might enjoy seeing you guys play the Blues

Well, we are playing

We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies

It's a jam session We go where the music takes us

I think the music left without you.

Come on Stop shoving me

"Stop shoving me Stop grabbing my penis.' Grow up.

Take off your jacket and take a seat.

When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

Really? This could all go away

if you just tell me the truth

Are you all in line?

Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man?

Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions

Wait for this to constrict. Here we go

Is your name Jim Halpert?

Sì.

Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?

We have to start with a baseline question

to establish what the truth is

You have to share the machine with others

Well, that's what they taught me

in my 19th century kindergarten

Okay, Dwight, come on You can go first.

Jim, are you serious?

You know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush

Maybe we could switch instruments

Yeah

'Cause my body's starting to get bruised

Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right.

We had to leave because of creative differences

Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound

that didn't really fit in with our thing

Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now

No, man. We are

Well I know, I know

Okay, you're done

I have a new heart, you know

Do you really Tin Man? Okay

Where were we?

No, I'm not worried.

Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam

And when she gets her body back and her confidence back

yes, I will tell her the truth.

That

I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years

In my defense, he was grabbing my crotch

fairly aggressively at the time

Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?

No

Yep, he's lying

See. Was that so hard?

I am not lying

Really?

Pam, are you really going to listen to his stupid homemade test?

I would listen to my homemade test

because your husband is definitely lying

In fact, he's lied about every question even his name.

Who are you, really? Wait, what?

Look at the numbers. Every single time it's come up 150 over 100

Your husband is a pathological liar

Jim, you have high blood pressure

He is definitely attracted to her

Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?

Yeah, but I don't smoke

When was the last time you went to the doctor?

I don't know. It's important to go every month

and get your prostate checked

You can do it at home by yourself

with your finger You just stick

Okay

Dwight, stop

I'm not kidding. I mean, I need you to take care of yourself

What would we do if something happened to you?

Okay, easy. Trust me I'm around for the long haul

It's not really your choice, though, is it? Death waits for no man

Okay

Come on, let's go I want to call your doctor

Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?

Just go home it doesn't matter

But the

Hey, Cece?s toothbrush

Thank you

Ooh, baby, I love your way

Every day

Want to be with you night and day

And day

Ooh, baby, I love your way