Original subtitles

Back orders and you never called them

Can you believe this? There's a dog in the car.

You can't leave a dog in a parked car!

Snowboarder, it figures

Do snowboarders hate animals?

l bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car

Okay, we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.

Oscar, it's not that hot out

A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.

Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone

and it's not in direct sunlight

So what, Andy? You want to just let him die, you scumbag?

Here, I'm going to get in my car

When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times

That means save the dog

Okay you know what?

I'm going to give him something to drink

Come here, doggy

Come on

Dwight at least aim it

There you go Here, doggy.

He's not even trying Come here doggy, come on.

We're losing cloud cover.

Don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick

Hey, hey, hey Vick did his time

This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window.

Get back, buddy Get back

Oscar, what are you What... No, hey

All right

Yeah

Nice job, Oscar

And one for good measure.

Yeah

So, who's going to take the dog?

Why would we take the dog?

What if he jumps out the window and runs away?

Jim, he's not going to start...

Stay, stay

Nein. Sitz!

Gut.

Oscar, what do you want to do? This is kind of your deal.

You want a dog?

There we go that should do it

Yeah, it's good. It'll work

Nice job

Bye, poochie Bye, doggy

Bye

What's that come to? Like, what did they each win?

Oh, man, it's gotta be over $1 00,000.

Yeah, before taxes

That's still a lot of money

The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday.

$950,000.

And then they quit.

And no one else can focus.

This is it.

This is all on my shoulders.

I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work

I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew

I'm the one who has to say those things.

Hello?

Justine.

Nice surprise. How you doing, baby?

No, no, no. l didn't win

When I got promoted I stopped...

What?

Yeah, Glenn won

You want to call him? Yeah, you should call him

Congratulate him That would be

What?

His number is in your old phone

Oh, you know what? I might have it right

Whoops.

When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool.

They won

playing my birthday

What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people

winning the lottery

This will not end well, right?

Yeah

We're looking at at least one suicide

and one weird sex thing. At least

l don't even know what I'd do with all that money

l know what you'd do with all that money

"Hey, Pam Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.'

No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine

build a house work in town.

Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to.

I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop

or I'd kayak to my job at the bike shop.

And then on the weekends would you hacky sack

back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?

Whoa, Saucy I thought you liked Maine.

l think we should get a townhouse in Soho

Soho's mostly lofts but okay

And then, every morning I'd walk out onto my terrace

and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city

You know, and just gather ideas for my painting

Oh, God

And then my handsome husband

Which, ideally would be me.

Would bring me a flavored coffee

Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?

Well, in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters

l don't know about Stephen King

Get a divorce Get a divorce

I think I would keep working

And for my salary, I guess I would take like, $1 a year.

Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon

And I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do

I mean, I'm getting paid $1 a year, okay? You can chill

Are you kidding me?

Guys, if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time

I'm gonna change my tone

To down here, like Mr. T

And this would get seriously annoying

l feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day

Darryl

How we doing on the new warehouse guys?

l don't know

What... Do we have new guys?

No

Are they on their way over?

l haven't hired anyone

What? No warehouse guys?

I have an important order that has to go out by 5:00

l e-mailed you about it

I'm not checking e-mail till lunch

Four hour work week

This is kind of time-sensitive

l got it. I'm doing it

Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client.

All right, well until we have a new crew

let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty

Who's in?

As long as you guys don't need me up here

l think we'll be fine No, we don't.

Really? Nobody's going to help her?

Is chivalry dead? Are you volunteering?

Of course, I would

But my hip

I would kill to be at 100%

Jim, how about you?

Yeah. l mean

as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should

Okay, no, no

That... You are so not... Oh, God

False. Andy, l will volunteer

Great

And Kevin

Good old Kevin. He'll do anything

Well, guess what?

l will not do a good job.

Thank you Sure.

Wait, wait. What's this?

Oh, sorry

l thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth-weight pool.

It says "lotto pool' right on top.

Yeah, and I said sorry

Oh, come on

You really think I'm going to have a 14-pound baby?

When did l get so fat?

You look awesome

I didn't hire anyone, if that's why you're here

Where are we in the process?

l have a file of applicants here

I just gotta open it look at it,

interview a bunch of guys hire some of them.

So I say we're in the early stages of the process.

Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?

They guys did invite me out to celebrate,

but l decided to just stay home

Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement

You do have a fantastic basement

l did

l did have a fantastic basement

Now it smells like tacos.

You can't air out a basement

And taco air is heavy

It settles at the lowest point

Right. Um

Well, how about we take a look at some applications?

This guy wrote his in green ink.

That's pretty cool Check it out.

Hey

There you go There he is

That is not Darryl

l don't know where Darryl is l suspect, probably,

our Darryl is inside of Fat Darryl.

Okay, 300 boxes of 20-pound white

That's 75 boxes per person So, that's not so bad.

Negative

Three hundred boxes for me zero for you chumps

Deal with it

Nice

Oh, oh, oh

Damn

Yup

Welcome, everybody

My name is Andy, and this is my other brother, Darryl

What? No Newhart fans?

Okay

Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?

You mean, what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?

Your old crew won the lottery?

Does anyone have experience shelving, storing keeping track...

What do we use? The Dewey Decimal System?

Wait, wait. So, all the old guys quit?

Oh, yeah Well

One of them, Glenn is starting one of those fat camps

where he steals your kid in the middle of the night

Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club.

But on a boat

And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals

Could you guys give us a minute?

But stay close You're all doing great

Maybe grab a coffee or if there's any donuts out

you can split one

You know they're for everybody so people get fussy

You know what? Just have a donut

Do you want to talk about this not-winning-the-lottery thing?

l don't

You sure? 'Cause you keep talking about it, so

Nope. I'm good I'm here.

Let's find some warehouse workers Good, great.

Then, can you say things that aren't, like, a huge bummer to everybody?

'Cause the more I talk the more they're going to realize

l don't know what I'm talking about

Okay

We need you, okay? Okay

Okay? Yeah

All right

Ah

What's the problem?

Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power

Ask any female tennis player

or her husband

l didn't feel anything

All right, thank you for coming back in again.

Now, we're going to ask you a few questions Darryl, you have the floor.

Why do you want to work here?

l need a job

It's not a good reason

Good

Keeping them honest

Don't just take the first job that comes your way

'Cause next thing you know it's 10 years later, and you're still there

You could write your obituary tomorrow

It's not going to change.

Are we scaring them straight?

l hope so

Think about this carefully

There's better lives than this one.

I've never been lucky

And I'm not talking about the lottery

I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35.

Who gets a soy allergy at /5?

And why is soy in everything?

Nice, right back where I like you

Can you make 10 copies of this for me? No

Why not? What are you doing?

Buying lottery tickets online

Everyone wants to be rich but nobody wants to work for it

You came in at 10:30 today, right?

Okay, I'll just do this myself

Is everyone licensed? Like a driver's license?

No, warehouse license

Masters in warehouse sciences?

l feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind

Is this a joke? No. Not joking.

This is real

Painfully real, what is happening right now

Okay, I'm not going to make it I'm turning back

There's gotta be a better way to do this

This is literally how they built the pyramids

Well, they whipped people which was helpful.

But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way

of moving boxes than Madge or Hide

Yeah

Not that they're not smart people

No, no, very smart

Theirs is more of a physical intelligence

I'd go with that

Like baboons or elephants.

Not that, don't

Guys, when I was a kid my sisters used to butter me up

and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen.

It really made them laugh.

It's a great idea, Kev

I don't think it applies here, though

So, maybe we just

Yeah, we move stuff and have fun.

Kevin doesn't apply

Right, my mom

You need to drop it, okay?

They hate it

l like it a lot but they hate it so drop it.

Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap?

You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap, obviously. Um...

How much longer is this going to take?

Did you hire them?

No, because they all left.

What do you mean they left?

l mean, after you bailed

l got confused and frankly, a little weird

And the stuff that you said certainly didn't help

Then I think you should fire me.

What are you talking about? I'm not going to fire you

Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Okay, this is weird. I don't get the joke

No? Okay

I don't want to be here anymore

Fire me

So Darryl says to me, "Fire me,'

but what he really means is

"I'm going to say something really weird, try and figure out what it means."

So I say, "No, you're not fired.'

But what I really mean is

"I've no idea what you're talking about

"But I'm going to go ahead and hire some people

"for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better."

l really hope that's what he and l mean

Attention

Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse?

We can pay

Come on, Oscar

Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton?

Like your wildest fantasy guy?

Bulk or definition?

Definition

Bruce Kenward. He hangs out at Planet Fitness

Are those just show muscles or is he really strong?

Oh, he's plenty strong

It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym

But he moved away

And then it was between Bruce and this guy, Dean

But Dean got fixated on his calves,

and, uh

And his triceps went to hell.

So, I've been thinking

after we win the lottery we take our winnings...

Our fake winnings

And we move to the South of France

See... No, there's plenty of bicycling for you.

l think that's where they do the Tour de France

It is, yeah

l mean, I just don't know why I'm compromising

if it's my fantasy

Because in my fantasy, it's Maine, and you love it

Because I'm never going to act like that, even in your fantasy

Nope, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now

Hey, idiot, what did Erin want again?

A hot chocolate tea

Gideon, you are a PhD candidate

studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?

North America

And "diminishing" is a little reductive, but, sure that's the headline version

Great

Well, it will bring a fresh, new perspective to the warehouse.

FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.

Oh, cool We'll figure that out.

Also, FYI

I don't technically have a hearing problem

But sometimes, when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time

I'll hear them as one big jumble

Again, it's not that l can't hear

Because that's false, l can

Um, l just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.

Got it. Duly noted

You

coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?

Made it. So cool

What a cross section we have here.

It's what I love about interviewing

l get to meet all these people

l wouldn't ordinarily meet, or know or even talk to.

Message in a Bottle, The Postman...

Kevin Costner Kevin Costner, yeah

So

l found this grease

And then l remembered that you thought it was a great idea.

You did say it was a great idea

l heard you say it

So it's not the dumbest idea

It's not the greatest one...

But the fact remains, we gotta move these boxes.

And it's clear we're not going to carry them.

So sadly, it's the best idea on the table. Exactly.

Hey, I think we're ready to get this...

Jim? Is he okay?

He'll be fine

Surprise! Your new crew

Would you just fire me, man?

Hey, why? Because you didn't win the lottery?

How am l supposed to make you happy?

You want to make me happy? Huh?

Yeah Give me your job.

Haha. What? I'll do it better than you

l earned it, l deserve it

I got passed over God knows why.

Reasons I cannot and will not understand

The job was mine, Andy Everyone said it was mine

Make me manager or fire me.

I'm not going to give you my job

It's my job l earned it!

And here's the thing You weren't even next in line.

l asked about you l saw your file

You have a history of being short with people

and you hired Glenn your buddy,

to replace you in the warehouse

He was under-qualified They saw that.

Also, Darryl, FYI

I already told this to Andy

but you should probably know

l technically don't have a hearing problem

It's just when there's a lot of noises... Nate. Please.

Thank you.

You have no business education

You were going to take classes under Deangelo What happened to that?

He died

He didn't die, his brain died

And my brain is still very much alive

And I'd be happy to give you business classes

How come you haven't asked me about it?

What was... What was the last

I'm having a

No part of this has anything to do with you

I didn't have time because of my daughter

But you had time for a softball clinic

And a Mediterranean cooking class.

Hey, I'm not going to tell you this stuff if you're going to throw it back in my face!

Hey, here's the thing

Jo saw something in you She loved you.

She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing.

She noticed

Okay

Okay, what?

Okay, don't fire me

Okay

My future's not going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls.

It's going to be determined by two big black balls.

l control my destiny

l do

I'll put some guys on tonight

The best of your bunch and my bunch

I'll tell you now, though it's going to be mostly my bunch

Yeah, that makes sense

Okay, good All right.

Are they here?

What is going on?

Oh, hey, guys

Why is the forklift in the wall?

Why is the truck empty?

It's not totally empty

Is that grease on my floor?

Okay

I can see why you're angry. You're coming into this cold

But believe me a lot of thought went into this.

And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?

Okay, Darryl

Listen, and then you will understand

The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing.

So now, it's cool 'cause we found another use for them

Okay, all right

That's... Look, all we were trying to do is we thought we could come up

with a more efficient way to do things.

And?

And we did. l don't know

Jim, tell them what it's called

That's all right

No, Jim, tell them what the name is

Doesn't matter what the name is

Señor Loadenstein that's stupid.

Señor Loadenstein

Tell them why it's called that, Jim

That's okay, we're good

No, Jim, tell us why it's called señor Loadenstein

Porque es muy rápido.

Okay, you know what? It's been a real busy day.

What do you say we put all this away?

Let me see it

It's in beta testing

Let me see it

Get the thing, go

Lube it up. Kevin, start mopping

Uno, dos, tres.

Yeah. I lost my client

I already won the lottery I was born in the US of A, baby

And as backup, I have a Swiss passport

l would spend a lot of time

launching my true crime podcast "The Flenderson Files.'

Duh-buh-bum

Flenderson Files

We came to an agreement

We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone

at the top of a mountain

Right, it's city and country combined

Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.

And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio

We can chat any time we want

Just like now

It's too bad the schools are terrible, but what are you going to do about that?

What are you going to do?