Original subtitles

Hey, so this isn't matching up with this

and I'm not sure which one is right

Can you just hunt down the original for me?

Yes, me do

All right

Hey, KevKev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?

Me do it now. Go. Stop worry

Kevin, do you feel okay?

Me feel good. Body strong Sleep big last night

Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.

Yeah, all right, Kev why don't you come with us?

No, he's fine. - No, no, guys He's fine.

He's always been like that

No, he hasn't

I mean, he's gotten worse over the years, but

He's making a statement

It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him

A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.

You keep think that

Me mechanic not speak English

but he know what me mean when me say, "Car no go.'

And we best friends

So me think why waste time say lot word when few word do trick.

Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do

Thank

Here we have a word code

Same way we have a dress code.

And what we're talking about is

basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants

Sometimes words you no need use

but need need for talk talk.

But save time. More success

Does it save time, though? Because we've been here for about an hour

No me fault

Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time

Many small time make big time.

What are you going to do with all this time?

See world

Kevin, you can't possibly save enough time to see the world

Kevin, are you saying "see the world' or SeaWorld?

See world Oceans. Fish Jump. China.

No, see? Right there that's the problem with your method

because I still don't know if you're saying SeaWorld or

And it's taking a lot of time to explain it

Fine, fine, I'll talk normally

When me president they see

They see

This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet, the Pyramid.

Why is it shaped like that?

So you can tell your clients "Unleash the power of the pyramid

It's huge How much does it weigh?

Oh, no, no, no Without the battery pack

and the optional memory booster, it's barely 3 pounds

How much memory does it have without the booster?

Fifty L

I'm sorry, "L"? - Mmm-hmm

How many I to a K?

DWIGHT You're really going to want the booster.

How on earth are we supposed to sell

I'll take five

Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing

Oh, no, no, no, no, no This is Dwight's meeting

Thank you. The I just wanted to pop in

and get your opinions on ties and tie clips.

Which combo do you think Robert's going to like more?

What do you think, C-Span?

"C-Span"?

Yeah, C-Span. Cocker spaniel

Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline Cocker because

Is this really the best use of our collective time?

I am still forming a first impression with Robert

Once it is formed we can all relax, okay?

I'm sorry to hijack your meeting, D-Dub-Dog, had to pull rank

Okay, let's look at some ties.

Here's how I'm going to help out from now on.

I'm going to not care

And I'm going to sit around quietly

waiting for Andy's inevitable demise

Your friend Neil Patrick Harris

really made me laugh the other night.

D Dog, you have a message

Erin, you don't need to call him that

Andy wants us to, P Dog

It's okay, E Dog Who called?

Justine. She said she's coming by later

Your ex-wife?

Wait, I thought she was a *

and you * hated her guts

No, no, no, I like her

Well, I was just quoting you

I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman

No, man. We get along now real well

All right Can't wait to meet her

I'll introduce you

Yeah, we had a few fights I suppose

but last night we put a lot of that to bed.

I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night

I have to sing it

We took a shower

We were naked

We...

Oh

Hi, Dad. l Oh, boy.

Hello, Andy Excellent tie

Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?

I'd love some coffee

I was looking over your projections and I think we can do better

Are you factoring in the whole national economy declining and all that?

Andy, do you know why I chose you?

I think I can sum it up with what I think

is your favorite ice cream flavor

Vanilla?

Vanilla? No

You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess

You were saying you chose me There was a reason

Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?

Can I inspire? I don't know

I don't know

Oh, thank you

Oh, sorry

Yeah, just put it down

Mmm

That is very cold

Yeah, it's old

Why would l

I asked if you wanted a cold beverage

and you said coffee

Why don't we get Robert a nice, hot, fresh cup and I will have this.

Andy, you don't want that.

I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.

Mmm

Sorry

You like her

I do. Yeah

She likes you

You know, we've both been into each other at different times

and just never really synced up

Now we're in this weird dance and now we're...

I'm afraid you've lost my interest

Let me call you back

I got to go

If the office superstore was supposed to

put us little suppliers out of business

why are we still here?

Yeah This is where we go.

You'd go someplace else That's not it That's not the answer.

It's a answer. It's a wrong answer

There are no wrong answers

Take a look at where you are

Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth

Those superstores are terrified of us.

Anybody know why?

Wait, they're terrified?

Let me tell you how I buy something these days

I know what I want, I go on the Internet and get the best price

Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me

The era of personal service is back You are back.

You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices

and then they w thank us

and we will say to them "You are welcome."

Thank you

Ooh

Andrew, I chose you for a reason Lead these people.

Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen.

Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it

You got it Double.

Done I'm not kidding.

Neither am l It's already done

I'm just kidding

It's going to take some time. Double

Hey

What's up, guys?

Just thought we'd have a little rap session.

Talk about business. See how things are going

Why don't you start?

If no one else wants to

I was just thinking about Robert Man, what a boss.

Just throws down goals you know?

Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?

Yeah, how are we supposed to do that?

We can't just press a magic button

Of course not. There's no magic button

You have to summon that

If we could just double our sales, we already would have

You're not making any sense

He brings up two good points

Do you have any new leads? And new territories you want us to look into?

Maybe have an in with a big client

that we could get our foot in the door?

Dwight, anything?

We could talk about how fast children grow up

and before you know it they're out of the house

You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box

If we did have something

what would it look like? What would it be?

Tuna

New leads, new territory to look into

maybe an in with a big company

that we could get our foot in the door

Fart

Good sesh

That leg's asleep

Hello

I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?

Don't

Oh

You must think... No, I'm not I'm using the fax

This isn't No, wait.

I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?

There's usually an Erin here, so

Okay

Darryl, a girl

Rub a dub, dub, apricot scrub

What's up, darling?

Everybody this is Justine

Hi, Justine - Hello.

This is Jim, Oscar

Hi

Everybody

Kevin

Can we go someplace private?

Follow me. I got a space

After you I've been thinking about you all morning

I don't know what you did I can barely walk today.

D Bone, there you are

Let me guess Somebody needs a brownie

Lick the spoon?

No. No. That's okay

I just, I wanted to ask you about

Is this about the profits?

Because if it is, I just don't see the point It's so Wall Street.

I know, right? Yeah

Um

How is everything?

Good. Really, really good

Must be a tough time to be a family farm.

It is And beets are not immune

I made some inroads in salad but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

What are you going to do about that?

I don't know, what do you mean?

Got to be some way you could double your beet sales

You wanted the job the job is yours, just do the job.

And I'll do mine

Walnuts?

No

Have you seen this?

Parenting? Yeah.

This is Cece's favorite magazine

She loves the pictures of babies

She looks at it when she's on the potty and she makes the faces

Have you read it?

Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?

I flipped through it

So you saw the article on the importance of

taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?

Of course, yeah. - We know that

I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk.

Would you like to join me?

That sounds nice

Great

You have a walking buddy

I do

Thanks for coming in, guys

You don't have to thank us for coming in It's our job

Well, I never got thanked for coming into a meeting

and I always wanted to be, so I to thank people.

What's under the blanket?

This is what's under the blanket

We don't get it

These are incentives. It's how we're going to double growth

Now, you're probably all asking yourselves "Well, how does this work?'

It seems like a basic reward system where you give us points

and then we redeem those points for prizes

You're exactly right and you get a point

Oh. Uh, is that a vibrator?

20 points

How does one get a point?

I've outlined the exact parameters

in an email so check your spam folders

But basically, you do your job better you get points.

So collect 15 points and redeem them for this polar bear.

Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.

There's lots of stuff

John Irving, collected works 22 points.

Or you can pool your points and redeem 55 for this maternity shirt. Ahem

How about you want us to work harder, pay us more.

I can't

This points system is really insulting.

Ooh

I didn't mean to offend you and I hope you'll forgive me

because I am very very "sari." 16 points

That's a tablecloth

What if we went all the way up to 500 points?

That's a crazy amount of points

But what if? Well, what do you want?

I don't know. For such a crazy number

I'd like something pretty crazy

All right, for 500 points, I will wear a dress to work

That's pretty good What about for 1,000 points?

I'll run naked through the parking lot

with a donut on my ding dong

Yeah, you like that?

All right for 5,000 points

I will let you tattoo whatever you want

on the stern of the old S.S. Bernard

No Really?

All right. All right And you are totally serious?

Swear to God. Hope to die Now let's get to work.

Wait, but you did say we can pool our points right?

In that case

let's get to work, guys - Yeah!

Let's do it, guys

Good

I can have it to you by the beginning of next week.

All right thank you very much

Phyllis, Brachen Auto?

Ask for Donald. Karen's bananas

Okay

T-Bag-Bone

Andrew

DWIGHT Hold on, one second

Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?

No. I haven't noticed anything

Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years and this is nap time.

Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder

and just powers down

Now look at him

You've got to unleash the power of the pyramid

I don't know what to tell you, man

Do you think it has something to do with that incentive program?

Oh, 100% We all want to see you tattoo your ass

Uh.

I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.

No. You definitely weren't kidding.

That came across loud and clear.

Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in

120 points?

Yeah. Big sale

Don't worry about it, though I don't really care about the points

I would like a point receipt though

Hey, yes this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald.

Can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much

Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?

And I'm back How are you, sir?

I think you can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?

Where's Angela? Angela, these are yours

Hey, Kevin, what are you doing?

Don't talk to me

Yeah

Hi. Professor Frank Andy Bernard, class of '95

Hey there, I'm a huge fan of your management book Management.

Uh, quick question I may be missing a chapter here:

"De-incentivizing." What are your strategies?

I'm looking for a real blow to morale

Uh, why?

Well, um

I guess you could say I'm in one of those

classic ass-tattoo-incentive situations.

Took 'em one day

Are you ready?

I like it. I like it

Okay, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize

and there are some great new additions

My car. For 1,000 points

Or best offer

What else you got?

Oh, and then this was Phyllis' idea.

Oh Oh!

So nasty, Phyllis

Oh, my God

We were hoping you could do something like this

So coming out of his butt is a

Baby

Baby. Yes

Yeah. No problem

We should think about this Does anyone have any better ideas?

I like what we have

Yeah, nice try

It's pretty edgy

I just need a second outside

You getting psyched up? Yeah.

Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this.

Toons, what am I doing here?

Why did Robert pick me?

Confession, I don't know what I'm doing

I mean do you like it?

You having fun?

I'll tell you this everybody else is having a lot of fun

And you did that

My ass is only so big. I mean I can't do this every day

But I think it's big enough to buy you some time

until your next great idea.

Which, by the way I can't wait for

No one expects me to go through with this, right?

Absolutely not

Let's ink my stink

Yeah

My heart belongs to music but my ass belongs to these people

Whoa

Do your worst

Uh, you can keep your pants on actually

If you just drop them down a bit that'd be great.

They are already off my good sir.

I'd really prefer they not be down

Well, I think down's better Sweating pretty heavily down there

Do you think you could work from this?

We made some small adjustments

Okay, you want me to

Just those few adjustments Yeah.

All right. Let's begin

This is where l grin and bear Ow, ow!

That was just a cotton swab

Invest in softer cotton, sir

Ow

Oh

Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route

and obviously I'm going to like it.

Draw some blood Ha-ha!

Why did I choose Andy to run the office?

Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get.

It could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes.

But then again, it might just be why people fight for him.

It's a Nard dog

That's my nickity name

I love it. I love it

Pull up your pants

There's something about an underdog

that really inspires the unexceptional

Um, what should we talk about?

Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.

Oh, yeah, sure I hope I can help

A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant

and I don't know if I should call social services about it

Angela, that's pretty transparently me

Maybe

You know it's just herbal tea

In mugs with trace amounts of coffee

Yeah. I think you should call social services

I already did

You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies

and not pretend like we're in this together

Fine