All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S01E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[music playing]

[birds chirping and wings flapping]

[sheep bleating]

[Jeremy] On my farm,
most of the land is used to grow crops.

But not all of it.

Nearly 300 acres is like this, natural,

wild,

and teeming with rare grasses,
with flowers,

and bees.

This part of the farm
is so ecological and diverse

and sustainable
and good for global warming.

DEFRA, which is the Department of...

something...

Food and Rural Affairs,

gives me actual cash money

to not grow crops on it.

All I have to do in return
is mow it once a year.

And that gave me an idea.

Instead of using a machine to mow it,

why not use sheep?

Sheep keep everything nice and tidy,

and they fertilize the soil,

and I can sell their babies for profit.

It's a genius business plan.

I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies.

Having decided to be a sheep farmer,

I went to a nearby market to buy stock,

and immediately there was a problem.

Well, I mean
I'm just completely at a loss.

I'm at a loss. I don't know...

Are they the same as them?

I know how my mum felt
when she was trying to buy a car.

They all look exactly the same.

Or my dad,

when he was listening to pop music.

Spice Girls, Led Zeppelin,
all the same to him.

To guide me
through this woolly labyrinth

I spoke to Kevin
from the National Sheep Association,

which hilariously is known as the NSA.

Is there like, a Freesian Bull Institute?

Like FBI and CIA and NSA?

I can't say too much about it.

The NSA, that's just brilliant.

Have you looked after sheep before?

No?

So you want something
that's gonna look after you

as well as you looking after them.

Right, so, but these are all lady sheep,
aren't they?

Yes.

So, if I buy 80 sheeps...

Yeah.

How many man sheeps do I need?

-Uh...
-Eighty?

Well, you could get away with one,

but then you might have a risk
if there was a problem with that ram.

But he's got to... mmm...

Yeah, so I would go over... probably
err on the side of caution and go for two.

What? So each man sheep
will impregnate 40 lady sheeps.

Yeah, easily, yeah.

Not a bad job.

In a very short space of time as well.

[Jeremy] We then had to decide
what sort of lady sheep would be best.

Well, what you can see here,

you've got a lot of north country mules.

North country mules is a good sheep
that will look after you as well.

Um, it creates a really good mum.

She gets plenty of milk,

plenty of lambs.

They lamb quite easily and nicely,

and it wouldn't be a bad shout
as a sort of start off...

North, right, so a north country,

north face, north-kin.

North country mule.

Right.

[Jeremy] We then had to decide
which north country mules would be best.

[Kevin] So you got yourself a catalogue?

Um, yeah, no.

No, right.

So you need to get a catalogue,

and that will give you a list,

so you can see who they are,
where they are.

[Jeremy] This one's
electric fence trained.

[Kevin] Well, have you got fences?

Not really.

No? How are you going to keep them in?

Walls.

They could jump the walls.

They can't jump a wall.

-Well, how big's your wall?
-About that big.

[Kevin] Well, it's hardly Mexico, is it?

[Jeremy] Kevin had assured me

that north country mules
are very calm sheep,

but when they came into the auction ring

there was some evidence
to suggest that they're not.

Oh!

Ohh!

Still, at least the auctioneer
was easy to understand.

[auctioneer speaking indistinctly]

[Jeremy] By nodding occasionally,
I seem to be buying stuff.

133. 134. 134.5.

[Jeremy] And I was.

Yes.

[Jeremy] At the end of the sale,
I had spent a whopping £11,000.

But on the upside,
I was now a sheep farmer.

Thirty, 40, 50. 60, 78.

Seventy eight sheep. We're there.

[Jeremy] Because Kevin had told me
that sheep can jump over walls,

I then had to spend another £2,700

on a self-assembly electric fence.

Now what they want me to do

is walk around the field
with this three times.

Well, I'm not going to.

God, I'm clever.

Rightio. Is this what it's like?

Green. That's the earth, good.

Red,

onto the fence.

And then these go onto the battery.

Here we go.

Uh, could be.

Ow! [exclaims]

Ah!

Ah!

You bastard!

Stupid.

Right. Now, that.

RIght, here we go, here we go.

This time the zoo
is going to be operational.

With this feat of engineering completed,

I was ready for the arrival
of my new flock.

Oh, what the hell,

here they come.

Look at that.

And straight into my hotel.

Yeah!

-So that's it?
-[man] That's it.

-Are they going to be happy?
-They look very happy.

I'm sure they will be.

[Jeremy] And what have we got to do
first of all? Worm them?

[man 1] Worm them first. Yeah.

[man 2] And look after them.

[Jeremy] You know
they're gonna get looked after.

-Well, thanks very much.
-[man 2] Yep.

Take, take care of yourselves.
Thank you. Safe trip.

-Enjoy them.
-Yeah, I'm going to actually.

It's quite a nice thing, really.

A very nice thing
to be leaning on the gate,

looking at my new sheeps.

[sheep bleating]

[country rock music playing]

[Jeremy] After a few days of tractoring,

I return to the sheep
for my first big job.

Hello sheeps.

Right, this field,

with the sheeps in it,
is now full of diseased feces.

Because the sheeps have been wormed,

the worms have come out,

and now I've got to take
all that electric fence up again

and re-build it somewhere else

and then move the sheeps into that field.

To move sheep around,
you normally use a sheep dog.

But I didn't have one of those,
so I came up with another solution.

[automated voice] Take off.

Up,

down,

swivel, swivel.

Clever thing about this drone.

It was designed for
work in search and rescue,

so it's got a speaker on it, just here,

which can transmit messages
to stranded climbers and hikers.

But, I've modified the message,
as I'm using it as a sheep drone.

So, ready.

[drone barking]

It flies around,
herds the sheep, barking at them.

They think it's an airborne dog.

Right.

Let's go round up some sheep.

So, you know,
a really good sheep dog these days

will set you back £20,000,

and you won't be able to use it
for six months till it gets used to you.

This only cost £2,500.

And it was money well spent.

Look, it is working.

Look at it!

Yes, come on, through the gate,
through the gate, through the gate.

They're heading for the gate,
heading for the gate.

With no help from my girlfriend Lisa.

[Lisa] They can jump.

[Jeremy] I got them going
in the right direction.

[Lisa] Go on, off you go.

[Jeremy] Yes, lovely. Look.

[drone continues barking]

In just 25 minutes,
I've completely mastered sheeping.

[Lisa] Jeremy, you're going too fast,
I can't stop them going into the village.

[Jeremy] Oh, darn. Shit.

[Lisa] Jesus, calm down.

[Jeremy] For heaven's... please stop.

[man] Get up there.

[Jeremy] Then, with no help
from the film crew...

[man] Quickly.

[Jeremy] I finally got them
into their new field.

Phew. I'm gonna have a coronary...

How fast do they move?
I mean, this thing is good.

I mean, as you know,
I'm an incredible athlete,

and can run at phenomenal speeds,
but I can't keep up with the sheep.

[laughing] I was too surprised.
I did not expect that.

Is that fence on?

I don't... I'm not gonna check it, am I?

Just grab it. Grab a long piece of grass.

Okay, okay, okay.

-And if you touch the end...
-Yep.

...you'll... you'll feel
something very gentle.

Ooh, oh, yeah. It's on.

-Just...
-Ha-ha.

-That's on, then.
-Your fault, right?

-Ooh, am I gonna get you back. Ha-ha.
-[laughs]

Oh, it's properly hard work.

Despite my exhaustion,
I had to get back to tractoring

and didn't see the sheep again
for two days.

Oh, no, there's a lame one.

Oh, no. There, look.

Yeah, front left leg won't go down.

Oh, there's two that are lame.
There are two lame ones.

How have they done that?

The least dangerous field in Christendom.
Why have they...

Very worried,
I went back to the farm office

and tried to diagnose the problem myself.

-[sighs]
-Which was revolting.

Oh, no.

Prolapsed vagina. Cervical prolapse.

An erupting udder with severe mastitis.

Oh, no, I don't want
to have to deal with that.

But I want to know
why they're limping, not...

They're not limping because their vagina
has exploded, which...

That book's obsessed with sheep's vaginas.

Ah. Common foot problems. CODD.

"Ulcerated area appears
at the top of the hoof,

infection spreads under the horn
and down to the toe.

The horn detaches
and falls off and there's...

Oh, hair loss stretching."

Why can't sheep
just get ordinary diseases?

I was out of my depth,

so despite the cost,
I had to call in Delwyn the vet.

-Hi there.
-Yep.

-Thanks for coming out.
-That's okay.

-Are there four broken ones?
-Yes. Yes.

I thought there were only two.

No, they've got
quite a bit of swelling there.

-You can see where it's bleeding.
-Oh, no, it's blood.

[Delwyn] Yeah. So, I think what we'll do
is we'll put an antibiotic spray on them

and we'll also give them an injection
just to kill the pain.

[Jeremy] So, erm, I've only got 78
and I've broken four of them.

Don't be hard on yourself,
I mean... [laughs]

I don't think you need to worry
a huge amount on that front.

Okay, well,
I'll let you administer antibiotics.

-Yep.
-How much are they? How much is this?

Just so I've got a vague idea.

I'll think of a number and double it,
really, and go from there, really.

[soothing music playing]

[Jeremy] A few days later, having eaten
everything in their new field,

the sheeps needed to be moved again.

[drone barking]

And this time, I discovered

that sheep are not only
the most sickly animals in the world,

they're also the most disobedient.

[drone continues barking]

They're just ignoring it now, look.

Look at the... look right above you.
Dog, grr! Fierce dog.

And then, for no reason I could fathom...

No! Don't do that.
Oh, shit, you bolly.

Doie!

The honeymoon was clearly over.

No, this way, come on.

Oi! You're going the wrong way again now.

It's like they could sense
I was a new boy.

Oh, no. No, they're going back!
They just...

Oh, for fucking hell.

And they were going
to make the most of it.

Oh, shit. For heaven's... please stop.

-Right.
-[man] Good?

Here we are in the middle of the night,

erm, sorting the sheep out, again.

-[sheep bleating]
-[food rattling in bucket]

Sheep!

Sheep!

For fucks sake.

No, no, no, no, no.

Need help.

No, no, no, no, no.

Fuck it, go live in that field,
get run over. See if I care.

Oh, fucking hate sheep.
I fucking hate them.

I cannot wait to eat them. I cannot wait.

Along with the gum chewing insolence,

the sheep were also extremely destructive.

This is stupid.

Still, this relentless vandalism
does provide work

for a wonderful local chap called Gerald.

Hi, Gerald.

I love chatting with him,
even though most of the time,

I'm never entirely sure
what we're chatting about.

So, how's this coming along?

Well, know what that one.
I mean, no quite done deed.

I mean, if this is if animals or a horse,
so you'll, yeah, push it

and you'll pull a fat load now.

I'll tell you what, there was a quarry,
you know, that field's called a quarry.

Yeah, yeah.

[Gerald] And then, then you...
[speaking indistinctly]

See what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[speaking indistinctly]

They put masks on, it's always sort of...

[speaking indistinctly]

[laughing]

[Jeremy] As Gerald has 40 miles of walls
to maintain on my farm, I left him to it.

Take care, see you soon.

And got back to the job of sheeping.

So far, the sheeps have been getting
their water from a temporary supply,

but now, I wanted to reactivate
all the abandoned troughs

that were scattered around the farm.

Now...

However, when I opened
any of the stopcocks...

no water was coming through.

Shit.

Feeling like Jean de Florette,
I set about investigating the problem.

Right. The good news is my mate Alex
who farms over here

has given me this map from 1922,

of where all the water pipes
are on what was the Sarsden estate,

and this is a part of what was it.

It comes down from that one.

So there is an entire network
of very, very old pipes

crisscrossing this farm.

Clearly, the first job was finding out
if those pipes still existed,

and the crew photographer
and part-time druid, Ellis,

suggested I try water divining.

Thumbs at the top,

and then you just let it loose
and then basically just do that.

[Jeremy] To humor him, I said
I'd wander about with his coat hangers,

but when I passed
a trough full of rain water...

Look at that. [gasps]

That is bizarre.

Look at... look at that.

[laughs] That's astonishing.

The druid also said
that when the wires crossed,

I'd be directly above a pipe.

Ooh.

Ooh, hello.

Look at... look at this.

Yep, this is exactly where it says
on the map that the pipe would be.

Having used witchcraft
to establish the pipes still exist,

I reckoned that somewhere,
there must be a tank that fed them all.

And that, logically, it would be
located on high ground.

Make sense that it would be up here

because this is
just about the highest point of the farm.

So you'd pump the water up from a stream,

to here, and then let gravity
take it back down to all the troughs.

And it also isn't... ooh, hang on.

Hang on.

Okay, that smells pretty bad.

[grunts]

Okay, what we have here is a tank,
maybe 4,000 gallons.

What we've got is a pipe coming in,

and then about two feet higher,
a pipe going out.

[grunts]

[coughs]

To find out if the tank fed
the pipes and the troughs,

I needed to send some water through it,

so I called in some locals with a bowser.

[man] Les. [laughs]

[chuckles]

He's always amusing himself down there
with those diviners.

[Jeremy] Having connected the bowser to
what looked like the tank's outlet pipe,

we started pumping.

[motor starts]

Run away,
quickly let's leap into our cars.

And then I rushed downhill to see
if the water was getting to the troughs.

Right, we are now in a race with gravity.

Someone should do a TV show
where cars race unusual things.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, it works.

I then went back to report
the good news to the chaps.

So, gravity works... basically.

-[both] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-We know gravity works...

And your pipe's good as well.

And the pipes are good.

So the underground machine
is working, and gravity is working.

-Yeah.
-The main problem I can see now is grades,

but this not a permanent solution.

So someone, we've got to fill that tank up

without using a bowser
on the back of a trolley van.

[Les] Yeah.

[Jeremy]
Sadly, that job would have to wait.

Because it was time
for the girl sheep to make some babies.

And the man with the boy sheep
had arrived.

That is... Whoa, there's the rams.

The rams.

[Porksman] Hello, boys, how are you doing?

His job is to impregnate sheep
and he's called Porksman.

[laughing]

That's it. That will do.

These are pedigree Suffolks.

[Jeremy] Are they violent attack rams?

[Porksman] No, they're not.
They are as quiet as mice.

Come on, boys, out you come, don't be shy.

Jeez, I've just seen the back bit.

[Porksman] Do you like them?

[Jeremy] Ooh, they are pendulous,
aren't they?

[Porksman] Yes. This is gonna be
their first breeding season.

-So they... they're virgins.
-They are virgins.

[Jeremy] Are they?
'Cause, really, to be...

I don't want to be lavatorial

but rams are just STDs,
scrotal transportation devices.

Really, what I've bought are two scrotums.

Yeah, they...
it's a fertility machine, isn't it?

-[Jeremy] Yeah, exactly.
-Every one of these is gonna produce

-absolutely thousands of sperms a day.
-[Jeremy] Yeah.

They would mate
three or four a day very happily.

[Jeremy] Mr. Porksman then suggested
I test the fire power of my new purchases.

I'm gonna have to get under there
and to get round.

Yeah. Do you want...
do you want to measure its circumference?

Exactly. Okay, this is not something
I thought I'd be doing this morning.

Yes, I know. Yes, I know.

Okay. Gotta hold
the scrotal sac at the top.

[Porksman] Yes, is it nice and free?
Is it moving nice?

-Are the testes nice and free in the sac?
-I'm not sure.

I've got nothing to compare it to.

I've never really fondled
anything this size before.

Okay, that is 38-centimeter scrotal sac.

-[Porksman] 35 is...
-It says between...

Most rams measure
between 30 and 40 centimeters.

-So 38 is good, isn't it?
-38 is good. Top end.

Right, we're going to measure you,
mate, I'm sorry.

I knew public school education
would come in handy.

Okay, now this is... we've got...

-[whispers] Okay, listen...
-How many centimeters is this?

[whispering] I don't wanna
embarrass one of them.

-Okay. Bigger?
-So this one's a centimeter bigger.

-A centimeter bigger.
-Shh.

Oh, you don't wanna tell him.

Well, come on, if we got measured
and then somebody went,

"You've got the bigger pair,"
you'd be mortified.

Well, I'd be mortified.

Well, you're going back
to your public school days.

-Yeah, exactly.
-[laughing]

[atmospheric music playing]

[Jeremy] I left the rams to settle in,

did a bit more tractoring...

and then, a couple of days later,
it was time for some sex.

[Kevin] Wee, wee, that'll do, pig.

That'll do, pig.

[Jeremy] Kevin from the NSA
and a noisy vet called Jenny

prepared the lady sheep,

and whilst doing so, they spotted
a problem with three of them.

[Jenny] Yeah, so it looks like
we've got an abscess there.

[Kevin] Yeah.

[Jenny] So, basically,
the udders are shot.

At least one of them each, um,

so not really something
we want to send for breeding.

Well, can they still get pregnant?

Yes, but for welfare reasons
once they lamb

then you've got
the limited amount of milk.

Cause we're about to bring old Leonardo
and Wayne, as I've called them.

Wayne's going to go
after the slightly older ones.

[Jenny chuckles]

Leonardo's taking the younger ones.

But we've got to get these three
broken ones out, haven't we?

'Cause they can't get pregnant.

[Jenny] Yeah,
we don't want them with the rams.

[groovy music playing]

[Jeremy] Before Wayne
and Leonardo could be let loose,

we had to get them
into some bondage gear.

[Jeremy] What we've got here

is a harness
we're going to put onto the sheep...

[sheep bleating]

...around here like this.

So as it mounts the lady sheep,

this rubs a blue mark
on the lady sheep's back

and then we know she's been impregnated
and by which one.

'Cause the other one...

has got yellow.

Do you want to catch the one,
I'll catch the other.

[rattling]

Mr. Porksman said
if I just did this, they'd come.

Come on.

Come on.

[Kevin] They know that you're after them.

That you're acting differently to
when you normally come here and feed them.

A lot of this job is sheep psychology.

You have to think how they think.

What they think is, "I must have sex,
I must eat some grass."

No, they think, um,
"These people are after me.

Where's the best way to get out of here?"

and we've got them a bit riled, and...

how, how strong are your wooden gates?

Well, let's find out.

-[Kevin groans]
-That's sheep wrestling.

[Kevin] Right, you've got to help me now.

[Jeremy] I know. Well, tell me what to do
and I'm right there.

-[straining]
-Good.

-Right, which one's this?
-Leonardo.

-Right, so Leonardo's yellow.
-Yeah, Leonardo's yellow.

[Kevin] Have you ever thought about
getting a bloody shepherd or something

that will do it for you?

Better than you ringing me up
all the time. [groans]

I reckon they can
smell them now Jeremy.

[Jeremy] Good,
we'll get that gate open.

[Kevin] That wind's blowing that way.
They'll follow their noses now.

[Jeremy] Watch this.

Put two boys who've never had sex before

and 75 active cougars
on the other side of that wall.

[Kevin] I think the penny's
starting to drop now.

You see, they're starting to swagger.

[Jeremy laughs] Oh, yeah.

[Kevin] Look, look,
they're excited already.

I know, look at that.
Look at them go. Look at them.

[laughs]

The thing is though, when they run
they knee their own bollocks.

[sheep bleating]

Oh. look at the cougars.

[continuous bleating]

[Jeremy] Hey, who wants a drink?

Espresso martini, anyone?

Oh yeah, they've got it.

Right.

God, the cougars are desperate.

They're actually chasing the men.

This is #MeToo gone mental.

-[Kevin] There you go, he's on.
-[Jeremy] He's on.

-[Kevin] Oh, he's off.
-[Jeremy] No, he's off.

It was a false start.

Oh, he's kicked her.
He must be from Rotherham.

[Jenny laughs]

-There he goes.
-[Jeremy] Oh, there he is look.

Why is she walking about?

You haven't seen that one
in the Kamasutra?

[chuckles] No. Wheelbarrowing.

How long, how long does the...
the act take as a general rule?

[Jenny] Not long. No, a couple of minutes,

-not much more.
-Oh, a couple of minutes?

In my mind,
we could now dim the lights,

put on some Barry White
and leave them to it.

But Jenny warned me that
some major responsibilities lay ahead.

[Jenny] A lot of problems come just before
they start lambing, when they...

[Jeremy] What problems?

So, they can get problems
with getting enough food

and the right amount of food,
the right amount of energy.

Because as the lambs grow,
they're pushing on the stomach,

um, so they're reducing
the amount of food that they can get in,

and they're using too much energy.

[Kevin] It's a serious thing,

that you have to know
when they've got enough grass.

They've got to stay in the right
body condition from now until lambing.

-Which I don't know.
-It's very important, Jeremy.

It is really important.

'Cause if you end up with thin ewes
and, and they got lambs,

then you're going to end up
with all sorts of trouble.

[Jeremy] All this meant only one thing.

I am going to need a shepherd, aren't I?

I think you should, yeah.

So there we are. I brought a tractor
and then I had to get a tractor driver.

-Got sheep, and now I need a shepherd.
-Yeah.

Eventually I'm going to find
something I can do.

With that decision taken,
it was time to make another.

What should I do
with the three unproductive ewes?

What are we going to do
with you three?

'Cause you can't get pregnant.

-'Cause if you get pregnant...
-[sheep bleats]

I know. You've got mastitis
or something of that nature

and your udders are broken.

[groans] So, what do we do?

Seeking inspiration,
I consulted the Ozzie.

So they can't just stay here
and just be three young...

I'll put them somewhere else.

[Jenny] Well, they're flock animals, so
ideally they want to be living in a flock

and three sheep don't make a flock.

They want to be running
with a large number of themselves.

Well, why can't they stay
in a little pallet somewhere

with doves and rabbits?

That's not the...

-uh, relevant to...
-[Jenny] Not quite Snow White.

...relative sheep farming.

There's only one thing for them really
and you know, they...

they will need to be, um, culled.

[atmospheric music playing]

[Jeremy] After facing that hard choice,

I spent three weeks battling the weather

and trying desperately
to get my crops in the ground.

And then it was time to see
if the sheep sex had been successful.

[whistling]

That was the job
of my new shepherd, Ellen.

[Ellen whistling]

Look at how she's doing that,
just whistling.

[Ellen whistling rhythmically]

That was just breathtaking.

[continues whistling]

Hello.

That is one of the most
majestic spectacles.

-[dog barking]
-Hey you.

Yes, good dog.

So, are they all now up the duff?

[Ellen] Well there's 74 have been topped.

[Jeremy] Have they?

So, it's only possibly one or two.

-Yeah.
-It's not many.

Blue mark has done
twice as many as yellow mark.

-Wayne?
-Yeah.

He's a bigger shagger
than Leonardo DiCaprio.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] Good old Wayne.

-Oh, they're in there look.
-Yeah.

[Jeremy] You randy little bastards, you.

Look at them,
they've got sort of proud looks

-on their faces now.
-[Ellen laughing]

[Jeremy] Next we had to separate
Wayne and Leo from their woolly harem.

If you go that way a bit,

and we'll spread out,
and then put your arms out.

Hold on, where's the...

-Whose, where is he?
-Would you grab that gate?

-What?
-Would you grab that gate

and swing it round towards me.

-That's it.
-Oh we've got.

Well, that's good.
Oh, we've got both of them.

-Yep.
-How did you do that?

[Jeremy] There was absolutely
no doubting Ellen's shepherding skills.

I just wish I could say the same
about her driving.

[sheep bleating]

Everybody, now calm down.

Calm down.

You know, I'm becoming
really fond of them.

[Ellen] Have you been talking to them?

You know the three that have been

-scheduled for assassination?
-Yeah.

[Jeremy] I really like them.

They come galloping up now.
You go and feed the horses.

[Ellen] Yeah.

We ought to get these rams out then
before it goes dark.

Yep. We'll put them in the trailer
and then move them.

Shall I,
shall I bring it around, because

I have just reversed that
in a tight spot

-and didn't hit anything.
-Well done.

-Unlike some people.
-[laughing]

[Jeremy] The next issue was food.

Ellen was worried my fields
didn't have enough grass

for 74 pregnant ewes.

[Ellen] By looking at it,
that all looks the same,

there's nothing in here.

[Jeremy] But both are green.

[Ellen] Yeah,
but that don't mean it's grass.

What about that field?

[Jeremy] Right, here there's grass, see?

[Ellen] But there's still not a lot of it.

So we're going to have to
supplement feed the ewes so...

-With the hay?
-With the hay.

But how much do they need?

We've got a big, big bale of hay.

Yeah, they'll get through,
probably a couple of those a day.

-If they're hungry.
-Shit.

-Yeah.
-I haven't got that much.

How much is hay?
It's quite expensive isn't it?

It is.

[Jeremy] The hay
was yet another addition

to the rapidly rising sheep costs.

And the next day,
when Cheerful Charlie dropped by,

he brought the money situation
into sharp focus.

[Charlie] How are the sheep?

I've taken on a shepherd.

-A shepherd?
-Yeah.

She's going to come every day
and check on them.

-So, you've got 75 sheep?
-Yeah, left.

-Left. Ewes?
-Yeah.

-And a shepherd.
-And two rams, yeah.

-Wayne and Leonardo.
-So we're going to have

-130 saleable lambs?
-Yeah.

-So, we've got 130 sheep with lambs.
-Yeah, yeah.

They're £65 to £70 a lamb.

-So that's £7,800.
-7,800.

So if...

Is that all we're going to get?

That's all you're going to get.

But I'm paying her more than that.

The sheep enterprise
is not looking very profitable.

And I had to buy the sheep, and the rams.

-And you have to fence them--
-And the sheep handling--

And you've got the sheep handling stuff
and you've got vets bills.

So, the sheep are going to cost me
between just...

£7,000 and £10,000 a year.

-To have them?
-Yeah. To cut the grass.

That was a bad business choice.

-Thanks for dropping by.
-You're very welcome.

With your gloominess.

Reality.

[Jeremy] Alarmingly the sheep
were about to get even more expensive,

because I still had to finish off
their water supply.

What I needed was source of water
that could be used to fill the tank

at the top of the hill.

That's coming along Gerald?

[Jeremy] So for advice
I went to see Gerald,

who's lived in the village for 72 years.

No, it's something, not I, not obviously
within water on the pump

that you got now,
in the water from up here.

Now he took out, right.

-Now right mains water.
-Hmm.

I'll tell you what. I didn't know...
in the corner of our stables,

I don't know if that
never worked or anything.

[Gerald speaking indistinctly]

I'm not into that.

If you might translate it,
get no water so far in that one trough.

She's had the pump bearing took out.

I'd two of them glass
nearly every day I've done.

[Jeremy] With all that cleared up,

I did a bit more searching,

and soon,
in one of the woods, I found a spring.

Kaleb and I then ran a pipe
from the spring

up to a pump near the farm buildings.

So, in theory,
when I turn that pump on in that box...

[Kaleb] Yeah.

It will bring water up from the spring,

-the stream at the bottom of the hill...
-Yeah.

To here,
and then we can attach it to a pipe,

and then we can run it up
to the sheep troughs.

-Got it.
-This is the moment of truth.

-Ready?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

Well we haven't done a lot.

-[Jeremy chuckles]
-Oh, there we go.

[Jeremy] Hello!

Look at that.

We had our water.

And now what we needed was to get it
to the tank at the top of the hill.

This meant using a special
tractor attachment called a Mole,

which lays a pipe underground.

The tank, the aquifer is up on that...

-you see that row of trees?
-Yeah.

You see there's a gap.
The far trees on the far horizon.

[Kaleb] How long is that?

-It's more than a mile.
-A mile?

-More than a mile.
-And how much are you paying a meter?

It's a pound a meter.

Once you put this in,
it will last 1,000 years.

It's true, you can't... you can't
treat this as a cost for one year's sheep.

I don't want you driving
over my rape as well.

That rape is going to earn you more money
than these pocksy sheep.

-What?
-Without a doubt.

[Jeremy] With the sun getting low
in the sky, we stopped talking,

joined everything up and got cracking.

Right. Come on, LOL.
let's see if this works.

[engine whirring]

[Jeremy] It did.

Yeah!

Look at that,
you see it peels the ground open,

puts the pipe in and then
puts the ground back together again

after I've passed.

It's so clever.

This is a very good bit of kit.

-[Kaleb] It's wicked isn't it?
-It's really good.

-You could watch it all day as well.
-No.

[Jeremy] Even though my tractor
was extremely nimble

and just the right size,

the cross country route to the water tank
was extremely hazardous.

[Kaleb] Oh, you're all right,
keep going, keep going.

Keep going. You're all right.

[Jeremy] Dear God.

I've never been through this gate
without having to do a three point turn.

Come on.

Go on, you're all right.

[Jeremy] This meant that when
we needed to change the pipe reel

I was too tired to get out of the cab.

It's all right, you just sit there.

I'm going to.

-At the end of this series, yeah?
-Yeah.

It's going to be "Man watches farmer...

-Mmm.
-Watching his farm worker."

-Mmm-hmm.
-That's what it's going to be.

That's what it's called.

-You could be watching me...
-I'm watching you.

rather then get hit on the head so
we'd have to put it in the accident book.

What accident book?

[Kaleb] Every farm has an accident book.

[Jeremy] You don't read books.

I know, but I would read that one,
cause it would be mostly me.

Has every farm got an accident book?

Yeah, if you cut your finger on a knife,

you've got to put it in the accident book.

[Jeremy] Who looks at it?

The health and safety,
and stuff like that.

Why don't you just say
there's not been any accidents?

'Cause no one believes that.

Think about it. On a farm,
how many accidents happen on a farm?

[Jeremy] Well, all the time.
But we haven't had one yet.

Yeah, we have, I cut my finger today.
I need to go in the accident book.

And I've probably got
a bruise on my elbow.

[Jeremy]
Does that go in the accident book?

That's going in the accident book as well.

[Jeremy] So it's a woke accident book?

Eventually we started to climb.

This is the steepest bank
on the farm.

[Kaleb] Go on, go on, girl. Get up
that hill. Go on, go on, go on.

Kaleb is actually talking to the tractor.

[Kaleb] Come on, come on girl.
She's a machine.

-Yee hah!
-[Jeremy laughs]

Get in there.

[Jeremy] So this tractor is planting
150 meters of pipe,

a meter under the surface of the Earth.

Ha ha, too big my ass.

With the hardest climb over,

we stopped for a breather.

[thunder rumbling]

It's good up here,

-the air is clear up here.
-Yeah.

-Look at the view.
-I know, the views,

-the air, everything.
-Look just that way. Look.

-The reason I like farming here...
-Hmm.

Is I'm sat on that tractor
on a summer's day.

It's nine o'clock at night.

The lights starting to come on.
Like, I see every single farmer

working around the place.

I know I can't speak to them,

but it make you feel good.

I know he's waving back at me,
and I'm like a mile and a half away.

-And you know who it is?
-I know exactly who it is.

Yeah, I know what tractor he's driving,
and what horse power it is,

I know what machinery
he's got on the back.

[chuckles]

[thunder rumbling]

Is that rain going to come where we are?

Yes, it is.

It's like one of those shots in Oklahoma.

-Where's that?
-America.

Ah.

[engine starts]

[Jeremy] We worked into the night
to get the pipe to the tank.

And the next morning
went off to see if it had worked.

[straining]

[laughing]

[laughs heartily]

Now, that's good news.

[Jeremy] And so finally
the underground Victorian water engine

was once again fully functional.

I was thrilled.

And as for the sheep...

Not interested.

[sheep bleating in a distance]

Now that might be because
they get all the moisture they need

by licking the Earth.

It is absolutely soaking.

Or, it could be because
that electric fence is on.

Which means the entire trough is live.

God, farming's complicated.

[soft music playing]

It was about
to become upsetting too.

Because the time had come to say goodbye
to my three woolly mates.

Look at that one over there
having his last breakfast.

Come on.

There you go, there you go.

Go on, up you go, go on.

Go on.

Come on.

[sighs]

[engine whirring]

Uh... I don't know
what to say, or think

about this mission this morning.

Hmm.

But I'm a sheep farmer.
This is what sheep farmers do.

They take their animals to market.

They take them to the abattoir.

Eugh!

[breathes deeply]

Eventually, I arrived at the abattoir.

[metal clanging]

[man] Three cull ewes yeah?

-Three ewes yeah.
-Yeah.

[Jeremy] What I really needed
were a few soothing words,

telling me that
what I was doing was the right thing.

[man] It's a shame,
cause they're nice sheep aren't they?

[man exclaims]

Lovely.

[Jeremy] Is this all mutton then?

[man] Yeah, they're all culls
as well, yes. Uh-huh.

The farmers that we bought them from
have obviously checked their backs.

They've either got bad backs
or lack of teeth so they can't feed.

[Jeremy] And where does mutton mostly go?

Indian restaurants, and Pakistanis
and Bangladeshis.

There's massive communities
in East London.

Good.

Look, that one looks so sad.

[man] At the end of the day,
the ones that don't fit the bill

-have to go here. They've got to.
-They have...

I can't, they can't breed,
they can't be with a... a flock.

[man] And they're not pets.

[Jeremy] No.

I deliberately haven't given them names.
Not out loud anyway.

No, no, no, no.

[Jeremy] In the office we went through
the endless government paperwork.

So that's it, we've done one form,
now these another form.

This is your movement license,
it's all complete.

We keep a copy and send that
back off to Deptford for you.

This is just the same...

[Jeremy] Easier to get into America
than to fill one of these in.

[man] It is, you're right, yeah.

[Jeremy] ...painfully generated.

[Jeremy] Then there was one last job.

I'm just going
to say goodbye to them.

[man] Might be a bit late.

-What? Why, have they gone?
-I think they might be dead.

-They're dead already?
-Yes.

Are they really, they've gone?
They're dead?

[man] Yeah, they form a line now yeah.

Sorry.

-Lovely. Well thanks again.
-Well, thank you.

Okay.

[gate opens]

[sniffling]

[serene music playing]

[Jeremy] The sheep had been
on my farm now for three months.

For most of that time,
they had been a nightmare.

No, no, no, no, no. Oi!

And for all of it,
they've been ruinously expensive.

Uh, I'll think of a number
and double it really.

-I am going to need a shepherd, aren't I?
-I think you should, yeah.

That was a bad business choice.

But these belligerent
sex mad illness machines

have brought a lot of joy to the farm.

[Jeremy] That's a great sight.

Hello, sheepy.

[Jeremy] I've grown to love
having them around.

You're all eating for two now,
aren't you all? Or three, hopefully.

They're actually learning to trust me,

[laughs]

And there was
one more surprise in store.

I actually thought
I wouldn't be able to eat them, but

it turns out I can.

They're delicious.

Farm shop.

Why would I not do that?

It's like Fortnum and Mason's in my mind.

[man] It's what?

[Jeremy] All right, here we go.

[folk music playing]