Original subtitles

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪ (Rockefeller) WE THE KNIGHTS, BABY.

(Gary) NO. IT CANNOT BE.

WE GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO STEAL RAY ROMANO'S SAFE,

AND THERE'S NO DIAMOND INSIDE. THERE'S ONLY THIS JESUS BIBLE.

IT'S NOT A JESUS BIBLE. IT'S HIS DIARY. SEE?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!

WHAT KIND OF GROWN MAN EVEN KEEPS A DIARY?

WHO'D WE ROB? RAY ROMANO OR DAKOTA FREAKIN' FANNING?

LOOK, THERE'S TIME TO MOAN AND GROAN LATER, OKAY?

RIGHT NOW WE GOT A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

WHAT'S THAT, MR. GURKIN? WHEN WE STOLE RAY'S SAFE, WE REPLACED IT WITH AN IDENTICAL

ONE OF OUR OWN, RIGHT? BUT WE HAD A DIAMOND INSIDE.

SO WHEN HE GOES IN THE SAFE AND SEES A DIAMOND

AND NOT HIS DIARY, HE'S GONNA KNOW HE WAS ROBBED. SO WHAT IF HE KNOWS?

THEN HE'S GONNA BE ON THE EXTRA-SPECIAL LOOKOUT

FOR OUR NEXT ROBBERY ATTEMPT. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU SERIOUSLY WANNA KEEP TRYING TO ROB THIS BASTARD?

YOU BET I DO. THIS MAKES ME WANNA DO IT EVEN WORSE.

BUT WE GOTTA GET BACK IN THERE, GET IN THE SAFE,

AND TAKE OUT THE DIAMOND AND REPLACE IT WITH THIS DIARY

BEFORE RAY CATCHES ON. BUT, MR. GURKIN, THE LAST TIME

WE STOLE THIS SAFE, WE HAD TO WAIT SIX DAYS

FOR MR. ROMANO TO EVEN LEAVE HIS APARTMENT.

WE HAD TO TEAR APART A WHOLE WALL

WITH A CHAIN SAW AND A BLOWTORCH. AND WE HAD TO STALL RAYMOND FOR HOURS

WHILE WEARING RIDICULOUS COSTUMES.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT WE GOTTA DO IT AGAIN.

AWESOME CRIME-DOING, PEOPLE.

IT WENT A LOT SMOOTHER THIS TIME.

I BARELY EVEN CAUGHT ON FIRE.

I GOT RAY ROMANO TO DONATE 50 BUCKS

TO THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND.

OKAY, SO WHAT NOW, EUGENE?

(sighs) WHAT IS IT, MR. GURKIN?

I HATE TO SAY THIS NOW, BUT, UH...

SPIT IT OUT, CHIEF. GO AHEAD. WHAT? WE SCREWED UP.

WE SHOULD'VE MADE COPIES OF THAT DIARY

BEFORE WE PUT IT BACK IN THE SAFE.

OHH! THINK ABOUT IT!

THERE'S GOTTA BE A LOT OF TOP SECRET STUFF

IN THAT BOOK, HUH?

STUFF THAT COULD HELP US ROB RAY ROMANO.

WE NEED THAT DIARY. WE GOTTA GO BACK.

OHH!

ALL RIGHT, WE DID IT ONCE AGAIN, MY FRIENDS. BUT JUST BARELY.

I DO NOT THINK ANYONE REALLY BELIEVED

WE WERE DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS. DOESN'T MATTER. WE GOT WHAT WE NEEDED.

NOW, LOUIS, HAND OUT THOSE DIARY ENTRIES, OKAY?

WE GOT SOME HEAVY READING TO DO.

(Squatch laughs) CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS NUT JOB?

LOOK AT PAGE 37.

"I HATE MYSELF. I WANT TO BE TORN APART BY WOLVES.

HOW DO YOU GET WOLVES? DO THEY SELL WOLVES?"

DADDY NEEDS HIS LITHIUM! (Louis) LOOK AT PAGE 53.

IT SAYS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DIAMOND.

HE SENT IT TO HIS WIFE IN CALIFORNIA.

TRYING TO WIN HER BACK, HUH?

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING MARRIED TO THAT MENTAL CASE?

FOR THAT DIAMOND, I WOULD MARRY GARY.

I'D MARRY GARY BUSEY.

CHECK IT-- THE DUDE'S ADDICTED

TO SHOPPING ONLINE FOR CAMPING EQUIPMENT.

LAST MONTH, HE BOUGHT 85 CANTEENS.

LISTEN TO THIS. RAYMOND STARTED HIS OWN COMPANY.

IT'S CALLED "ROMANOCORP."

PAGE 63. WHAT KIND OF COMPANY IS THAT?

HE'S BUDGETED $100 MILLION TO MAKE MOVIES

WRITTEN BY, DIRECTED BY AND STARRING RAY ROMANO.

2 MILLION BUCKS TO START HIS OWN RESTAURANT CHAIN--

RAY'S CHICKEN ATTACK.

$400 FOR CANTEENS!

WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA-- PAGE 72.

AS OF YESTERDAY,

THERE'S AN ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION OPENING

IN THE ROMANOCORP FILM DEPARTMENT! (laughs)

THIS IS PERFECT! LOUIS, YOU HAVE TO GET THAT JOB!

WHY? WHY? CAN'T YOU SEE?

RAYMOND'S THROWING MONEY AROUND LIKE CONFETTI AT A RODEO--

HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, ALL RIGHT?

WE GET YOU THAT JOB IN THE ROMANOCORP,

OKAY, WE CAN START EMBEZZLING THE CRAP

OUT OF THE PLACE FROM THE INSIDE.

GOOD-BYE, BLUE-COLLAR CRIME, HELLO, WHITE-COLLAR CRIME.

BUT WHY ME? BECAUSE IT'S IN THE FILM DEPARTMENT,

AND YOU'RE A BUDDING YOUNG FILMMAKER.

MR. GURKIN, I'M HARDLY QUALIFIED TO--

I MEAN, I-- I'M NOT READY TO PUT--

IT--IT'S MORE OF A FANTASY, REALLY, AND BESIDES,

THEY WOULD NEVER EVEN GRANT ME AN INTERVIEW.

THESE THINGS ARE ALL ABOUT WHO YOU KNOW.

WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU, YOU KNOW ME.

WHO THE HELL NEED 85 CANTEENS?

ALL RIGHT. HERE WE ARE--ROMANOCORP.

YOU GET THIS JOB,

WE'RE GONNA BE FARTING THROUGH SILK. MR. GURKIN,

THEY'RE NOT GONNA GRANT AN INTERVIEW

TO SOME GUY OFF THE STREET. WATCH.

(clears throat)

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. HI, I'M HERE TO INQUIRE

ABOUT THE, UH, ENTRY-LEVEL FILM JOB

ON BEHALF OF MY YOUNG FRIEND HERE. I'M SORRY.

WE'RE REALLY NOT ACCEPTING ANY MORE APPLICANTS.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? WHO?

I'M, UH, MIKEY--THAT KID FROM THE CEREAL COMMERCIALS.

REMEMBER THE "HEY, MIKEY! HE LIKES IT! HEY, MIKEY!"

I CAN EVEN GIVE YOU SOME COOL INSIDE SCOOP.

THE KID SITTING NEXT TO ME, CLOSEST TO ME AT THE TABLE,

WHEN WE WERE DOING THE COMMERCIAL--

GAY AS A FRENCH HORN. (imitates horn playing)

AND HE WAS AN AGENT FOR THE MOSSAD THE WHOLE TIME--

THE ISRAELI INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.

SIR, YOU'RE NOT MIKEY, AND EVEN IF YOU WERE MIKEY,

I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW THAT COULD POSSIBLY

HAVE AN IMPACT ON THE SITUATION.

THANK YOU. UH, OKAY. WE'LL GO NOW. OKAY, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M--I'M NOT MIKEY. IT'S JUST THIS KID

HAS WANTED TO BE A FILMMAKER HIS WHOLE LIFE,

AND I PROMISED HIM I COULD GET HIM IN HERE.

AND IF YOU COULD JUST SEE IT IN YOUR HEART TO LET HIM

SLIDE IN, HAVE AN INTERVIEW, IT WOULD BE SO NICE OF YOU.

AND, I MEAN, THAT MIKEY THING

MIGHT BE THE MOST FUN YOU HAD ALL DAY.

(chuckles) ALL RIGHT. TAKE A SEAT OVER THERE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(lowered voice) GOURISHANKAR,

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? I GOT AN INTERVIEW, TOO.

SAID I WAS GEORGE LUCAS' NEPHEW.

I'M WALTER FLOYD,

RAY ROMANO'S BUSINESS MANAGER.

TELL ME, WHY SHOULD WE HIRE YOU?

UH, WELL, UH,

LET ME START BY SAYING THAT, UH, I LOVE MOVIES.

WHEN I WAS, UH, 10 YEARS OLD,

I TOOK MY DAD'S VIDEO CAMERA,

AND I MADE WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A SHORT FILM,

UH, ABOUT A VENTRILOQUIST WHO BECOMES PRESIDENT

AND THEN GETS IMPEACHED BY HIS OWN DUMMY.

I WAS A BIG FILM PRODUCER IN, UH, BOLLYWOOD.

UH, EVER HEAR OF "MUJHE KUCCH KEHNA HAI"?

THAT WAS MINE.

BUT THEN, HERE'S THE-- HERE'S THE KICKER.

THEN THE DUMMY BECOMES PRESIDENT

AND GETS IMPEACHED BY HIS DUMMY.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE? NO BRAINER--

"PATCH ADAMS."

ROBIN WILLIAMS IS A DOCTOR WHO CURES PEOPLE

AND BRINGS THEM BACK FROM THE DEAD

BY MAKING THEM LAUGH! PURE GOLD!

THAT'S NOT WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT.

ALL DUE RESPECT, MY FRIEND, WATCH IT AGAIN.

FAVORITE MOVIES? UM... "CASABLANCA."

UH, "DEER HUNTER." "THE GRADUATE."

UH, "CITIZEN KANE." THE--THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

N-NOT THE MOVIE, "THE USUAL SUSPECTS"--

I MEAN, I-I-I MEAN

THE--THE USUAL MOVIES THAT PEOPLE LIKE.

NOT "THE USUAL SUSPECTS"...

WHICH HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES.

ANOTHER FAVORITE-- "MANNEQUIN." ANDREW McCARTHY.

EH, YOU KNOW, IT'S CRAZY, BUT AT ONE POINT,

I FOUND MYSELF SITTING THERE, THINKING,

"I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO NAIL THAT MANNEQUIN."

I MEAN, THAT'S GREAT FILMMAKING. AM I RIGHT?

IT'S A PIECE OF PLASTIC, AND YET... (grunts)

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?

THIS IS A JOB INTERVIEW, AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

HOW YOU WANT TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A MANNEQUIN?

I WOULD REALLY LOVE THIS JOB,

AND, UH, IF YOU HIRE ME,

I-I WILL WORK HARDER FOR YOU

THAN ANYBODY ELSE YOU'LL EVER HIRE.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BALD-HEADED JACKASS!

YOU ARE ALSO BALD.

SO WHAT IF LOUIS DOESN'T GET THIS JOB?

HE WILL. I BELIEVE IN THE KID.

WHAT ABOUT ME? DON'T COUNT ME OUT. UH, YEAH, RIGHT, GERONIMO.

USUALLY THEY HIRE YOU RIGHT AFTER THEY SCREAM AT YOU. OH, WAIT. HERE HE IS. (laughs)

THE MAN OF THE HOUR HIMSELF.

COME ON, KID. TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

UH, I MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST ROUND... WHOO!

WAY TO GO, KID. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FIRST ROUND?

UH, WELL, HE SAID THAT, UM, IT'S DOWN BETWEEN

ME AND ANOTHER GUY ABOUT MY AGE,

AND WE HAVE TO COME IN TOMORROW

AND DO A SECOND INTERVIEW. KIND OF NERVOUS ABOUT IT. NONSENSE. NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

WE'RE SO CLOSE, I CAN TASTE IT.

ONCE LOUIS GETS THE JOB AT ROMANOCORP,

WE'VE PRACTICALLY GOT OURSELVES

A LICENSE TO PRINT MONEY. (cackles)

(all cackling)

CAN I HAVE A REUBEN?

SURE.

(Walter) YOU'VE BOTH TOLD ME HOW CREATIVE YOU ARE

AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE MOVIES.

NOW TAKE THESE VIDEO CAMERAS AND PROVE IT.

COME BACK HERE IN ONE WEEK WITH SOMETHING GREAT.

WHOEVER DOES BEST GETS THE JOB.

IT CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT-- THREE MINUTES TOPS.

PEOPLE MY AGE DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES.

OKAY, ESPERANZA'S OUT SPYING ON THE COMPETITION.

AS FOR US, OUR BRAINS MOST STORM AGAIN.

WE HAVE TO COME UP WITH, UH, MOVIE IDEAS FOR LOUIS' MOVIE.

LOUIS, YOU WANNA COME UP AND RUN THE MEETING?

ME? NO, NO, I-I DON'T--NO, I COULDN'T.

ANYONE GOT ANY, UH, IDEAS?

YES.

"CHARIOTS OF FIRE," EXCEPT NAKED AND WITH WOMEN.

THINK ABOUT IT. THEY'LL BE RUNNING TOPLESS,

ON THE BEACH, IN SLOW MOTION.

HMM... LOUIS, YOU'RE KIND OF IN CHARGE HERE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW IF... WHAT DON'T--WHAT-- WHAT--DON'T--

I MEAN, YOU GOT SOME IDEAS FOR MOVIES, RIGHT?

UH, YEAH. (laughs) I'VE GOT A LOT OF IDEAS.

YOU KNOW, HAD THEM IN THE PAST... I THINK,

RIGHT NOW, UM, I'M--YOU KNOW, IN THE COLD, HARD LIGHT OF DAY,

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE REALLY, YOU KNOW, GOOD ENOUGH.

(woman) HI?

AH, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

EVERYBODY, THIS IS MELANIE.

I MET HER YESTERDAY IN MY CAB,

AND I GAVE HER A PART IN OUR MOVIE.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A MOVIE! WHAT ARE YOU-- ARE YOU CRAZY?

(yipping in high-pitched voice)

MELANIE IS A FANTASTIC ACTRESS,

AND SHE WILL DO GREAT IN WHATEVER PART WE GIVE HER.

I WORK AT HOOTERS. I'M A WAITRESS-PERFORMER. EH?

(telephone rings)

(Rockefeller) HOOTERS-- THEY'VE GOT GOOD WINGS.

YEAH?

EUGENE, THINGS ARE NOT GOOD.

WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON? THE KID'S FAMILY'S IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS,

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE, A WHOLE CREW DOWN HERE.

THEY EVEN HAVE SOMEBODY PASSING OUT PIGS IN A BLANKET.

OH, NO. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

NO, IT GETS WORSE.

THE STAR OF THE MOVIE IS ED BURNS,

FROM "LOS HERMANOS McMULLEN."

THAT GUY?!

(all speaking at once)

(Gary) I AM TELLING YOU,

SHE IS THE NEXT MARCIA GAY HARDEN.

WAS SHE IN "SOUL PLANE"? (Gary) SHE WAS NOT IN "SOUL PLANE."

WHY IS EVERYTHING BLACK WITH YOU? OH, GOD, WE'RE SCREWED.

LOUIS, HEY.

HEY, MR. GURKIN. YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

YEAH, I DID. OKAY?

YOU'RE BLOWING IT.

WH-WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THERE COMES A TIME IN A MAN'S LIFE

WHEN HE HAS TO REACH UP AND GRAB FOR THE BRASS RING.

YEAH, I-I-I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT WE WERE DOING BY ROBBING...

UH, WHO--WHO ARE WE ROBBING RIGHT NOW? UH...

UH, RAY ROMANO.

IT IS, IT IS.

BUT YOUR LIFE DREAM IS TO BE A FILMMAKER,

AND RIGHT NOW YOU JUST AIN'T BEING ONE.

LOOK, LOUIS, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT MAKING MOVIES.

WE DON'T KNOW NOTHING. HUH?

NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO STEP UP LIKE THAT OTHER KID OUT THERE.

ALTHOUGH RIGHT NOW

HE MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING SOME "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES."

(laughs)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OKAY, PEOPLE, HERE WE GO.

AND... ACTION.

♪♪♪

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

YOU WANNA DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY?

(man) CUT! CUT!

WHO IS THAT? TAKE TWO, AND ACTION.

♪♪♪

HOW'S IT GONNA BE? DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY?

I'M COOL EITHER WAY.

OH, COME ON! YOU NEED EXTRAS?

I CAN ACT! "OH, YOU TALKIN' TO ME? YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

I DON'T SEE NOBODY ELSE HERE. YOU MUST BE TALKIN' TO ME."

TERRIFIC. (man) OH, WILL SOMEBODY GET HIM OUT OF HERE?

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

YOU WANNA DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY? (Squatch) WHEE!

OH, COME ON! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! COME ON.

(grunts) HOW YOU WANNA DO THIS-- THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD--

DON'T GIVE US NO TROUBLE! YOU DON'T GIVE US NO--

GET HIM. SHAKE HIM DOWN. DUDE, YOU--YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

OH, LET ME BE YOUR PARTNER. I WANNA BE HIS PARTNER. ALL RIGHT, WE'RE-- WE'RE TRYING TO WORK HERE.

CAN I BE A-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (groans)

(grunts) HOW YOU WANNA DO THIS-- THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY?

(scatting) HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, FUNNYMAN? COME HERE.

FUNNYMAN, LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT? OKAY, IT'S COOL, IT'S COOL, IT'S COOL. IT'S COOL.

(grunts) HOW YOU WANNA DO THIS-- THE HARD WAY OR THE EASY WAY?

I'M DONE. I'M DONE.

ALL RIGHT? THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S NOT FUNNY?

MR. GURKIN, NO.

"NO" WHAT?

THIS IS NOT THE WAY I WANT TO WIN.

TELL MR. SQUACIERI TO STOP.

YOU--YOU WERE RIGHT. I CAN DO THIS.

BUT I WANT TO WIN FAIR AND SQUARE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.

HMM?

SQUATCH? EUGENE.

MM-HMM, CALL THE DOGS OFF.

(laughs) OH, YEAH, NO NEED FOR SABOTAGE.

WHY?

BECAUSE WE GOT LOUIS WILLIAM PLUNK, FILMMAKER,

THAT'S WHY.

MY MIDDLE NAME'S ACTUALLY WALTER.

ALL RIGHT, WAIT. WAIT A SECOND. OKAY, THIS IS ALL WELL AND GOOD,

BUT WE STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE'S ABOUT. THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, MR. SQUACIERI.

I WROTE THE SCRIPT LAST NIGHT. (Eugene) WAIT A SECOND.

YOU CAME UP WITH THIS WHOLE STORY BY YOURSELF IN ONE NIGHT?

NOT BY MYSELF, MR. GURKIN. I HAD A LITTLE HELP. (chuckles)

RAY'S DIARY--THE ANSWER KEY. WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT RAY WANTS.

IT'S LIKE READING A GIRL'S DIARY BEFORE YOU ASK HER OUT.

I'VE DONE THAT SEVERAL TIMES WITH SUPERB RESULTS.

EXACTLY. UH, LOOK, GUYS,

RAY SPECIFICALLY TALKS ABOUT THE KINDS OF ROLES HE WANTS,

THE KINDS OF MOVIE HE WANTS TO MAKE.

UH, RIGHT HERE, HE TRIED TO GET CAST AS THE NEXT BATMAN.

"I WANT TO PLAY A CHARACTER WHO'S DARK AND TROUBLED.

WHY I CAN'T I BE A ROMANTIC LEAD?" AND ON AND ON.

IT JUST... WELL, GUESS WHAT, GUYS?

WE ARE GONNA GIVE RAY ROMANO A MOVIE

THAT IS LIKE A VERITABLE BUFFET OF HIS OWN CREATIVE DESIRES--

A BUFFET SERVED TO PERFECTION... BY MR. LOUIS PLUNK.

YES! (Rockefeller laughing)

LADY AND GENTLEMEN, WE'RE MAKING OURSELVES A MOVIE!

(cheering) CONGRATULATIONS.

(Gary) VERY GOOD.

(Tina Turner) ♪ YOU'RE SIMPLY THE BEST ♪

♪ BETTER THAN ALL THE REST ♪

♪ BETTER THAN ANYONE ♪

♪ ANYONE I EVER MET ♪

♪ OOH, I'M STUCK ON YOUR HEART... ♪

LOOK, IT'S MIDNIGHT JUSTICE.

SEXIER.

♪ OH, TEAR US APART, NO, NO ♪

♪ BABY, I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD ♪

♪ EACH TIME YOU LEAVE ME, I START LOSING CONTROL ♪

♪ YOU'RE WALKING AWAY WITH MY HEART AND MY SOUL ♪

♪ I CAN FEEL YOU EVEN WHEN I'M ALONE... ♪

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, MIDNIGHT JUSTICE.

AND I, YOU.

OKAY, NOW MOVE IN FOR THE, UH, BIG KISS, PLEASE.

SUPER SLOW.

SLOWLY...

SLOWER.

SLOWER...

CUT!

OH! OH, WE GOT THAT.

(mouths words)

YAY TO LOUIS PLUNK, THE MOVIE GENIUS!

YEAH! SPEECH! SPEECH! (Squatch) SPEECH! SPEECH!

COME ON! SPEECH! SPEECH! GET UP! COME ON!

OKAY, OKAY. UH, I-I JUST WANNA SAY THANK YOU ALL, UH, SO MUCH

BECAUSE, UH, IF I ACTUALLY GET THIS JOB,

I'M GONNA BE THRILLED BEYOND BELIEF. (cheering)

(laughter)

(laughs) HEY, LOUIS!

LOUIS, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH YOUR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH,

GO GET US SOME MORE MANISCHEWITZ!

♪ YOU'RE SIMPLY THE BEST ♪

(door opens)

OKAY, OKAY, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

(door closes) YES!

GOOD LUCK IN THERE, BRO.

THANKS...

HOMESLICE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. FLOYD.

(clears throat)

IN THE WORDS OF STANLEY KUBRICK,

WHO WE MISS EVERY SINGLE DAY,

"FILM IS LIKE--"

JUST PLAY THE THING, DAMN IT. I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.

(chuckles nervously)

♪♪♪

(Rockefeller) IN A WORLD OF GOOD AND EVIL...

♪♪♪

GREETINGS, MR. MAYOR.

I AM THE SWAMI, AND I HATE YOUR FREEDOM.

NOW YOU WILL DIE FROM TOO MUCH ELECTRICITY.

THERE IS ONE MAN WHOSE POWER REIGNS SUPREME--

MIDNIGHT JUSTICE.

OH! (shouts)

NOT IN MY HOUSE, BITCH!

(screams)

THANKS, KID.

NO PROBLEM... DAD.

HE HAS POWER OVER EVERYTHING...

EXCEPT FOR THE WOMAN WHO OWNED HIS HEART...

YOU MISSED EMILY'S DANCE RECITAL AGAIN.

I CAN EXPLAIN. NO MORE EXCUSES.

AND THE ADDICTION THAT OWNED HIS SOUL.

(heart beating)

(Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver" playing)

♪ I HAVE JUST CLOSED MY EYES ♪

♪ AGAIN ♪

♪ CLIMBED ABOARD THE DREAM WEAVER TRAIN ♪

(retching)

MY GOD, SON...

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?

I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE!

YO, MIDNIGHT JUSTICE.

CHOCOLATE THUNDER?

THIS IS AN INTERVENTION, Y'ALL.

I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I LIKE!

IF YOU WON'T LISTEN TO HIM, THEN MAYBE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME.

SWAMI?

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA HELP ME?

BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD AND I AM EVIL.

WE DEFINE EACH OTHER. I NEED YOU, MAN.

(Coldplay's "Clocks" playing)

THIS SUMMER...

HI. MY NAME IS MIDNIGHT JUSTICE, AND, UH...

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

(all) HI, MIDNIGHT JUSTICE.

THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD...

WILL LEARN THE TRUE POWER...

OF LOVE.

♪ YOU ♪

♪ ARE ♪

SHOULD I PLAY IT AGAIN WITH THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY?

IT PLAYED WELL.

UM, I-I THINK IT PLAYED WELL. I GOTTA CONFESS.

I'M HAVING CONCERNS ABOUT THE NAME "CHOCOLATE THUNDER."

IT JUST--IT SOUNDS LIKE A EUPHEMISM FOR, UH, DIARRHEA.

I THINK IT SOUND DOPE. UH, WE'RE DONE WITH THE MOVIE NOW.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF THE COSTUME. I KNOW.

YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, KID.

YOUR MOVIE WAS COOL AS BALLS. I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

(cell phone ringing)

IS THAT HIM?

YEAH. OH, BOY. UH, HERE GOES.

(ring)

(clears throat) HELLO?

YEAH, HI--HI, MR. FLOYD.

OH.

OKAY.

UH... REALLY?

UH...

OF COURSE. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO--NO, THANK--THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD.

THANKS.

WELL?

UH, I DIDN'T GET IT.

OH.

MAARE GAYE!

BUT HE SAID HE APPRECIATED MY ENTHUSIASM,

OFFERED ME AN INTERNSHIP--

MAKING COFFEE, UH, GETTING HIS DRY CLEANING...

WORKING FOR FREE, THAT SORT OF THING.

LIKE YOU DO FOR ME? YEAH.

LOUIS, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

NO, NO, NOT--NOT IN THE FILM DEPARTMENT.

NO, IT'S TEN TIMES BETTER.

YOU'RE GONNA BE THE RIGHT-HAND MAN

TO THE DUDE WHO RUNS THE ENTIRE COMPANY.

IT'S WHITE-COLLAR CRIME TIME, BABY.

YEAH! WHOO!

(Eugene) GOOD JOB, BOY! (Rockefeller) YEAH!

LET'S EAT. COME ON. COME ON. (Eugene) HERE WE GO.

(Gary) OKAY. (Eugene) AH!

OVER HERE. LOUIS.

HEY, LOUIS. HEY.

YOU OKAY, BIG GUY?

YEAH. YEAH.

UM, I'M--I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT TO BE A FILMMAKER, THAT'S ALL.

"NOT CUT OUT TO BE A FILMMAKER"? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

LOOK WHAT YOU PUT TOGETHER

WITH--WITH ME AND THESE MEATBALLS

AS YOUR CAST AND CREW.

I MEAN, THAT WAS OSCAR-WORTHY. HUH?

SO WHAT IF THIS, UH, HIPSTER WITH HOLLYWOOD CONNECTIONS

GETS THE JOB? LOUIS, HERE'S THE DEAL, OKAY?

THE WORLD JUST DOESN'T HAND STUFF TO GUYS LIKE YOU AND ME.

WE GOTTA TAKE IT. WE GOTTA WORK FOR IT.

YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE, HUH?

SOMEDAY I'M GONNA HAVE MY OWN BAR,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE THE NEXT ROWDY HERRINGTON.

WHO?

ROWDY HERRINGTON... DIRECTED "ROAD HOUSE."

(chuckles) OH. COOL. THANKS, MR. GURKIN.

HEY, I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD... KIND OF.

BEST YOUNG FILMMAKER.

I MADE IT OUT OF MARZIPAN.

(chuckles)

(Rockefeller) ♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

(women) ♪ BLUE-COLLAR GUYS WITH THEIR EYES ON THE PRIZE ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

♪ WALKIN' IN THEIR T-SHIRTS SIDE BY SIDE ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

♪ ONE MORE TIME IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

WE THE KNIGHTS, BABY.