Original subtitles

♪♪♪

MY DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTER OF THE ORANGE AND WHITE,

TODAY IS A MOMENTOUS DAY INDEED, BECAUSE TODAY

WE LIBERATE A WALL SAFE FROM THE APARTMENT OF ONE...

MR. RAYMOND ROMANUS. ROMANO.

NAH, I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S "ROMANUS."

"ROMANO" A TYPE OF CHEESE.

THIS KEY IS TO THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR TO RAYMOND'S.

WE WILL STAY IN SAID APARTMENT UNTIL RAY GOES OUT.

WE SHALL CUT THROUGH THE WALL,

REMOVE HIS SAFE AND REPLACE IT WITH...

THIS IDENTICAL SAFE WHICH IS RIGGED TO OPEN

NO MATTER WHAT COMBINATION YOU TRY.

THIS WAY, RAY WILL NEVER REALIZE IT AIN'T HIS SAFE.

GENIUS. GENIUS! IT WAS YOUR IDEA.

OBVIOUSLY. WHEN HE DOES OPEN THAT SAFE, HE WILL FIND...

THIS 12-KARAT RING MADE WITH A ZIRCONIA THAT IS CUBIC.

WHILE WE HAVE HIS SAFE AND INSIDE OF IT,

THE $1.5 MILLION DIAMOND WHICH WILL BE OURS,

AND HE WILL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! (all cheering)

YEAH! (Eugene) I LIKE IT!

(Rockefeller) YEAH! AND WHILE WE ARE IN RAY ROMANO'S BUILDING, WE WILL BE WEARING...

PANTS?

DISGUISES. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR WEEKS.

THIS IS THE OFFICIAL

KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY DISGUISE KIT. (Eugene) THAT'S AWESOME.

UH, IT'S JUST--WE'RE GOING TO BE GOING AS OURSELVES,

SO THERE'S REALLY NO NEED FOR A DISGUISE KIT,

BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LOUIS.

I THINK YOU MEAN "THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOURISHANKAR."

(whispering) COME ON IN.

ALL RIGHT. WE GOTTA BE QUIET, GUYS.

NOW... THE SAFE'S IN THAT WALL OVER THERE.

HERE'S WHAT I NEED.

GARY, LOUIS, MAKE ME A SPY HOLE RIGHT THERE

SO WE CAN KEEP TABS ON WHAT RAY'S UP TO, OKAY?

FIRE UP THAT METAL DETECTOR. (electronic squeal)

YOU KNOW, IN THE 20 YEARS I'VE OWNED THIS THING,

I THINK I'VE FOUND A TOTAL OF 48 CENTS.

(rapid beeping)

(laughs) MAKE THAT $1.5 MILLION AND 48 CENTS.

YES! HOW'S THAT PEEPHOLE COMING ALONG?

READY FOR PEEPING.

THIS IS TREMENDOUS.

IT IS LIKE HAVING OUR OWN PRIVATE COMMAND PERFORMANCE

OF EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A VERSION OF THE SHOW IN INDIA.

IT IS CALLED "EVERYBODY LOVES RAKESH SURAMPUDI,"

BUT IN OUR VERSION, THE GIGANTIC BROTHER IS NOT A POLICEMAN.

HE'S AN INDIAN POLICEMAN. WOULD YOU DO IT ALREADY? LOOK!

ENTERTAIN ME, MY LITTLE MONKEY.

(Gary) DANCE FOR ME. DANCE.

(man calling play-by-play on TV)

WELL? IT'S NOT A PARTICULARLY STRONG EPISODE.

I FIND MYSELF MISSING DORIS ROBERTS.

MOVE! MOVE!

(Eugene) LOOKS LIKE HE'S FINISHING HIS LUNCH. AHH.

HE'S GOT TO GO OUT SOON. (can drops)

WHAT WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS JUST CHILL OUT AND WAIT. (Squatch) BECAUSE IN A FEW MINUTES,

WE'RE GONNA BE MILLIONAIRES. (Rockefeller) HELL, YEAH.

(Gary) IT'S SO GREAT. I'M SO EXCITED.

(TV continues playing)

(Esperanza) SIX DAYS.

FOR SIX DAYS HE DOES NOTHING BUT SIT ON A COUCH, GET DRUNK

AND WATCH TELEVISION SPORTING EVENTS!

ALL RIGHT. THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO.

WE GOTTA CUT OFF HIS LIFELINE.

AAH! I GOT IT.

(grunts) I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS HIS CABLE.

(Eugene) EXCELLENT JOB, SQUATCH. WIRE CUTTERS.

GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. OKAY. OKAY. GOOD. YEAH.

COME ON!

HE IS OFF THE COUCH. LIKE LAZARUS, HE HAS RISEN!

(Gary) IT IS A MIRACLE!

HE PUTTIN' HIS PANTS ON. THANK YOU, JESUS!

OKAY, EVERYBODY GRAB A TOOL. LET'S STEAL US A SAFE.

(Rockefeller) YEAH.

OOH. HE'S WALKING OUT THE DOOR.

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE-- (knock on door)

AY, DIOS MíO.

HE'S HERE. MAARE GAYE!

(knocks on door)

YOU GUYS HIDE IN THE BATHROOM. I'LL GET RID OF IT.

NO, LET ME DO IT. IT'S MY TURN TO STEP UP. NO, NO, NO, NO. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

HE MET YOU WITH KELLY RIPA. (Esperanza) YEAH.

DAMN IT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

LOUIS, GET ME ONE OF THOSE DISGUISES. COME ON.

OH, NOW YOU NEED LOUIS' DISGUISE KIT.

FASCINATING HOW THE WORM TURNS, IS IT NOT, GENTLEMEN?

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR ASS.

COME ON.

(knock on door)

(Russian accent) HELLO.

I'M NIKOLAI VINITZIKOV-ISTAN-OVICH-SKI.

YES. OH. (chuckles)

THERE'S THE HANDSHAKE FROM A STRANGER. ALL RIGHT.

OH! OH, WAIT MINUTE!

YOU ARE BOB SAGETS!

YOU HAVE FUNNY SHOW ABOUT VIDEOS WITH FAT PEOPLE

GETTING HIT IN SCROTUM ALL THE TIME WITH THE BASEBALLS!

YES! VERY POPULAR IN MY COUNTRY!

THAT'S ME, BOB SAGETS.

LISTEN, UH, MY TV WENT DEAD, AND I'M WATCHING A HOCKEY GAME.

I GOT A BET ON IT. COULD I WATCH THE THIRD PERIOD HERE?

HERE? YEAH.

OH, AH, NO, NO. SORRY. NO, NO. MY TV ALSO DEAD.

YES. DEAD LIKE RUSSIAN ECONOMY. (laughs)

VERY FUNNY LIKE YAKOV SMIRNOFF, NO?

GO AHEAD. USE FOR FREE ON YOUR TV SHOW. NO CHARGE.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING HOME.

NO, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, DO NOT GO. NO.

I KNOW OF GREAT SPORTS BAR ON 23rd STREET. HUH?

WE WATCH GAME THERE. FLATSCREEN, CHICKEN WINGS,

THE BLONDE WAITRESSES WITH THE BIG BOOBS,

DRESSED LIKE THE REFEREES. WE GO AS NEIGHBORS.

OH, I WANNA WATCH THE GAME. ALL RIGHT. WHAT THE HELL.

ALL RIGHT. WHY NOT? "WHY NOT" IS BEAUTIFUL! (laughs)

OKAY, JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE NEIGHBORS...

WE'RE NOT GONNA SHAKE HANDS ANYMORE, OKAY?

EVEN ON HOLIDAYS, WE'RE GOOD.

I GO PUT FERRET IN CAGE. BE BACK IN ONE MINUTE. OH, BOY.

DID YOU GET RID OF HIM?

EVEN BETTER. I TALKED HIM INTO GOING TO A SPORTS BAR WITH ME.

I'LL KEEP HIM THERE WHILE YOU GUYS WORK ON THE SAFE.

I'LL HANG ON TO HIM AS LONG AS I CAN, OKAY? (Esperanza) GOOD JOB.

ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY SOME DENTAL FLOSS CAT'S CRADLE?

MNH-MNH.

(man calling play-by-play on TV)

HEADS-UP. PENALTY.

AH, YOU SEE, BOB SAGETS. IS BEAUTIFUL!

YES? WE ENJOY OUR NIGHT HERE.

YEAH, LISTEN. I'M NOT BOB SAGET, OKAY?

I'M RAY ROMANO.

OH, YES! FROM THE "EVERYBODY LOVE RAYMOND" SHOW!

(laughs) YES.

EVERY EPISODE, LADY SAY, "DEBRA, YOU NO CAN COOK!"

(laughs) VERY FUNNY.

YEAH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S OUR SHOW.

EXCUSE ME. ANOTHER ONE?

ME, MYSELF--I AM NOT IN THE SHOW BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU DO.

I RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY. I AM IMPORTER AND EXPORTER.

SOME DAYS I IMPORT. SOME DAYS I EXPORT.

AND EVERY SO OFTEN, I IMPORT AND EXPORT ON THE SAME DAY,

WHEN MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS ARE VERY HIGH. YES.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME, MY FRIEND?

YOU SHOULD EXPORT SOME OF THAT MUSTACHE.

(laughs) THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

KEEP THEM COMING, OKAY?

(Louis) CHECK OUT THIS DISGUISE.

(Southern accent) HEY THERE, LITTLE LADY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I GO IN THE OTHER ROOM,

AND I TEACH YOU

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT ROPIN' A LONGHORN STEER?

LOUIS, IF WE EVER HAVE SEX,

YOU WOULD BE UNABLE TO WALK OR TALK FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.

(normal voice) JUST PRETENDING.

SWEET GEORGIA BROWN! WE'RE GONNA BE RICH!

(man) HE SHOOTS. HE SCORES! AAH!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. NICE JOB.

IT'S GONNA COST ME 100 GRAND. (normal voice) 100 GRAND?

I DON'T CARE. I DON'T EVEN CARE.

I LIKE LOSING BETTER THAN WINNING.

(Russian accent) WELL, MAYBE YOU BET ON ANOTHER GAME,

AND WE STAY AND WATCH THIS, TOO! HELLO, MR. ROMANO. NED LUTZ--I'M THE MANAGER,

AND I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A FREE SAMPLING OF OUR APPETEASERS.

HERE WE GO. WE HAVE FRIED CALAMARI...

I DON'T... REALLY-- LOOK AT THIS CALAMARI--

THIS PERFECT BLEND OF RINGS AND TENTACLES.

WE ENJOY THIS ALL NIGHT! 3-ALARM CHILI...

LOOK, I DON'T WANT... (stammering)

4-ALARM CHILI... WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME APPETIZERS? I'M SORRY?

I MEAN, WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN EXACTLY? ARE PEOPLE GONNA LOOK?

"HEY, THAT'S THE GUY FROM TV. HE'S GETTING APPETIZERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? NOW I WANT TO GET APPETIZERS."

HUH? SERIOUSLY, PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES,

LIKE, LET'S SAY YOU SAW THE POPE EATING MOZZARELLA STICKS.

WOULD THAT REALLY MAKE YOU WANT TO EAT MORE MOZZARELLA STICKS?

NO.

(Squatch) Hey, Chief.

THIS GUY'S A MENTAL CASE.

THEY OFFERED HIM FREE APPETIZERS.

HE'S HAVING A MELTDOWN. HOW ARE THINGS OVER THERE?

(all speaking at once) YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

OH, MY GOD! I'M ON FIRE!

I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!

STOP, DROP AND ROLL.

HOW MUCH TIME YOU NEED?

I WOULD SAY ANYWHERE BETWEEN AN HOUR AND THREE MONTHS. What?!

WELL, YEAH, WE STILL HAVE SOME KINKS TO WORK OUT. HELP ME! HELP ME!

AAH!

OKAY, NEW PLAN, ALL RIGHT?

I NEED YOU GUYS DOWN HERE PRONTO TO HELP DELAY HIM. ALL RIGHT?

UH, IT'S--IT'S THE GRAND SALOON. IT'S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

I'LL GO BACK UP THERE AND DEAL WITH THE SAFE.

(Esperanza) HEY! WE'RE OUT THE DOOR, CHIEF.

(Eugene) 'SCUSE.

UH, I'M HAPPY TO TAKE THEM AWAY.

(imitating Ned) I'M HAPPY TO TAKE IT AWAY.

WE'RE JUST THRILLED TO HAVE YOU, MR. ROMANO.

(speaks gibberish)

I DON'T REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT.

(gravelly voice) I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

ARE YOU... OKAY, MR. ROMANO?

(growls)

(laughs)

(normal voice) WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU'RE EVEN FUNNIER IN PERSON, YOU KNOW THAT?

OKAY, I'M OUT OF HERE. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT. COME BACK. PLEASE!

ENJOY THE APPETEASERS!

SQUATCH, PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE CLOSE.

(Squatch) 'SCUSE ME. 'SCUSE ME. 'SCUSE ME.

YOU, YOU, I KNOW YOU. (laughs) YEAH. OKAY. I'M IN A LITTLE BIT OF A RUSH HERE, OKAY?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. JUST GET A QUICK AUTOGRAPH THEN. PLEASE?

PLEASE? OH, YEAH. THAT'S GOOD. OKAY, MY NAME IS STEVE. STEVE.

ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

NO, WAIT, WAIT. MY LAST NAME IS-- NO, WE'RE FRIENDS. WE DON'T NEED LAST NAMES, RIGHT?

RIGHT. HERE YOU GO. (laughs) THIS IS THE COMIC MIND THAT BROUGHT US THE SOUP NAZI.

STILL GOT THE TOUCH. YOU ARE GOOD. YEAH, THAT'S SEINFELD. THAT'S SEINFELD.

(man) RAY! RAY! RAY! RAY!

SAY HI TO BRAD GARRETT FOR ME, WILL YA?

I WILL. I'LL TELL HIM THAT SOME RANDOM GUY SAYS "HELLO,"

AND THEN IF HE WANTS TO CALL YOU TO SAY, "OKAY, GOOD,"

HOW SHOULD HE DO THAT? OH, WELL, I WORK FOR J.D. POWER AND ASSOCIATES.

OKAY, GOOD. HEY, EVERYBODY! I GOT RAY ROMANO OVER HERE!

HEY, COME ON. COME STEP RIGHT UP AND GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH HIM.

THE KING OF QUEENS HIMSELF, RAYMOND P. ROMANO! UH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I GOTTA GO, GUYS. TAXI!

(Squatch) RAY! RAY! RAY! COME ON, RAY! PLEASE.

YOU GOTTA MEET MY SISTER, RAY.

(closes door) 48th AND 5th, PLEASE.

STRAIGHTAWAY, MY FRIEND. STRAIGHTAWAY.

WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHY DIDN'T YOU TURN HERE?

I'M JUST FIVE BLOCKS AWAY HERE. THE STREET IS CLOSED, UH, FOR THE PARADE.

WHAT PARADE? THE MEXICANS'.

MEXICANS? HAVING A PARADE ON FIFTH AVENUE ON FRIDAY NIGHT?

AND WHY NOT? THEY'RE A FUN-LOVING PEOPLE.

SOMBREROS, CHIMICHANGAS, COCKFIGHTS.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A COCKFIGHT?

NOTHING MAKES YOU FEEL MORE ALIVE

THAN WATCHING TWO ROOSTERS KICK ONE ANOTHER.

(door closes) (Louis) OVER HERE, MR. GURKIN.

LOUIS, ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M A LITTLE THIRSTY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WELL, A PIPE SPRUNG A LEAK IN THE WALL,

SO I CRAWLED IN THAT HOLE OVER THERE TO TRY AND FIX IT.

WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF THERE. UH... AHA!

UH, MR. GURKIN?

I DON'T MEAN TO BE A BACKSEAT RESCUER OVER HERE,

BUT IF YOU USE THAT CHAIN SAW,

YOU'RE VERY LIKELY TO DISMEMBER ME.

UH, RIGHT. AH! ROOT BEER. HUH?

YEAH, YOU, UH, YOU GOT ANYTHING DIET?

UH...

YOU KNOW, WILFORD BRIMLEY WAS ONCE ARRESTED AT A COCKFIGHT.

TRUE STORY. I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. PULL OVER. I'M SERIOUS.

I JUST--I WANNA GET OUT.

I... NO, WE'RE ALMOST THERE. HERE. HOW ABOUT SOME MUSIC?

I DON'T WANT ANY MUSIC. (L.F.O.'s "Summer Girls" playing)

♪ NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK HAD A BUNCH OF HITS ♪

♪ CHINESE FOOD MAKES ME SICK ♪ I WANT TO GET OUT.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

♪ I THINK IT'S FLY ♪

♪ WHEN GIRLS STOP BY FOR THE SUMMER, FOR THE SUMMER ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE? I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

♪ I LIKE GIRLS THAT WEAR THAT ABERCROMBIE & FITCH ♪

STOP THE CAR. I'M GETTING OUT. HERE, TAKE THAT.

FOR GOD SAKE. I DON'T CARE. PULL OVER. PULL OVER. HERE. I'M GETTING OUT.

YOU MIGHT WANNA LOOSEN THAT TURBAN A LITTLE.

OKAY, MY FRIEND, AND WELCOME TO HARLEM, U.S.A. (laughs)

(tires screech)

OKAY. RAYMOND JUST GOT OF GARY'S CAB.

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

YEAH, LISTEN, CAN YOU SEND A CAB TO COME GET ME IN HARLEM?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE IN HARLEM.

I DON'T--YEAH.

HEY. HEY.

LISTEN, LISTEN, I'LL PAY FOR IT.

JUST SEND A WHOLE BUNCH OF CABS AND HAVE THEM DRIVE AROUND

AND LOOK FOR ME. ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

GOOD EVENING, WHITE BOY.

HEY. HOW ARE YA?

TELL ME, WHAT BRINGS YOU

ALL THE WAY UP TO 311th STREET TONIGHT?

PERHAPS YOU LOOKING TO SCORE SOME SMACK.

NO, NO, I GOT, YOU KNOW, I GOT A LOT OF SMACK AT HOME.

I'M, UH, I'M GOOD ON SMACK. THANK YOU, THOUGH.

I'M GONNA GO HOME AND--AND ENJOY SOME SMACK RIGHT NOW. THANKS. THEN I SUPPOSE YOU'RE HERE

TO GET YOUR FREAK ON WITH A FINE MAHOGANY SISTER?

I APPLAUD YOUR TASTE IN ASS.

I'M JUST GONNA GET A CAB AND GO HOME. THANK YOU. BUT IT AIN'T SAFE TO WAIT HERE.

HEY, SAY, MAN, YOU LIKE SEMILEGAL STRIP CLUBS?

'COURSE YOU DO. LET'S GO. OH, NO, NO, NO. LOOK. LOOK, THERE'S A CAB RIGHT HERE. TAXI!

TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. FALSE ALARM, MAN. KEEP MOVIN'.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. NO, NO, NO! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI!

COME ON, MAN. LET'S GO TO THE STRIP CLUB. (door closes)

THEY GOT FREE EGG SALAD SANDWICHES!

HEY! WE'RE SCREWED! RAY ROMANO'S COMING! NOW?!

ROCKEFELLER WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HIM TO A STRIP CLUB,

BUT HE GOT AWAY. LOOK, UH, THERE'S A HACKSAW RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE.

GRAB IT AND GET TO WORK. NO, HE'S COMING RIGHT NOW!

I JUST SAW HIM GETTING OUT OF A CAB! OH, GOD. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

JUST GO. WHAT?!

JUST GO, MR. GURKIN. THE SAFE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

JUST TAKE IT AND GO. LOOK, ARE YOU CRAZY?

WE HAVEN'T EVEN PUT THE REPLACEMENT SAFE IN YET.

IF RAY GETS BACK AND HE SEES THE BIG HOLE IN HIS APARTMENT,

HE'LL KNOW HE WAS ROBBED. THAT'S OKAY. YOU GUYS JUST TAKE THE SAFE AND RUN FOR THE HILLS.

YOU'LL BE FINE. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME, SEÑORITA VILLALOBOS.

I'VE HAD A PRETTY GOOD LIFE.

I-I'VE SEEN TWO OF THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD--

THE LIBERTY BELL AND THE CHUNNEL.

JUST--I DON'T WANT TO HOLD YOU BACK.

JUST GO, NOW.

NO.

I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS, LOUIS PLUNK.

YOU AND THE REST OF THE KNIGHTS HAVE SACRIFICED ENOUGH.

WHEN ENRICO CAME TO GET ME,

YOU GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR MY FREEDOM.

IT IS MY TURN NOW.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY LEFT TO KEEP HIM OUT OF HIS APARTMENT.

I WILL HAVE THE SEX WITH "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."

RAY ROMANO.

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF SLEEPING WITH YOU.

WHAT? BUT NOT HERE.

IT MUST BE IN A FANCY HOTEL IN MIDTOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU, ONE OF THOSE PROFESSIONAL...

SEX LADIES?

I'M A DANCER BY NIGHT, A WELDER BY DAY.

HOORAY! I SEE YOU HAVE MET MY SISTER, NATASHA.

ALL RIGHT. NOW I'M IN CRAZY TOWN.

I MUST HAVE YOU. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME. MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.

NATASHA, WE MUST TALK.

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL MAN.

I AM NOT A BEAUTIFUL MAN.

I'M A... AN OLD ZACH BRAFF.

NATASHA, COME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! (whispers) THIS IS CRAZY.

(whispering) FOR THE GOODS OF THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY,

I WILL GIVE MY BODY TO "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."

GOOD NIGHT, CRAZY PEOPLE.

THERE'S NO OTHER WAY.

(normal voice) PLEASE, TAKE ME NOW...

IN A FANCY HOTEL IN MIDTOWN.

DON'T YOU SEE HOW WRONG THIS IS? DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT?

I WILL DO SPECIAL THINGS.

(horn honks)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG WITH SHOW BUSINESS. (door closes)

THIS IS JUST PLAIN WRONG. YOU WANT ME TO SIT IN THE CHAIR,

OR SHOULD I GET RIGHT IN THE BED? I WOULD LIKE TO FRESHEN UP MY PRIVATE AREAS FIRST.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

MINE ARE PRETTY MUCH READY TO GO.

WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE

BEFORE ESPERANZA SLEEPS WITH RAY ROMANO!

HE'S PROBABLY DOING THINGS TO HER RIGHT NOW.

I BET HE'S USING SPECIAL CELEBRITY SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.

(chain saw roaring)

(Esperanza) OKAY, I'M COMING FOR YOU NOW.

I WILL--

YEAH, NO, THE PLAY CLOSED.

YEAH, WELL, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME DO SERIOUS STUFF.

OH, ALL RIGHT. OKAY. SAY HI TO THE KIDS.

(hangs up telephone)

YEAH, UH, I CAN'T DO THIS.

WHAT? NO, NO, I'M SORRY.

NO, NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE. LOOK AT THESE BOSOMS.

I'M GONNA LET YOU TOUCH THEM.

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT FUN FOR YOU. HMM?

AAH! SWEET MOTHER TERESA!

STAY CALM! YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN RAY ROMANO'S WALL!

(chain saw continues roaring)

HERE. SOME CAB MONEY, AND, UH, I HAVE TO GO.

WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE?

THAT WAS MY WIFE.

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 19 YEARS,

AND LAST WEEK, SHE SEPARATED FROM ME.

DON'T GO.

TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

WHEN THE SHOW ENDED,

SHE SAID I STARTED THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU START THINKING ABOUT THINKING,

AND THEN YOU TRY THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT THINKING,

BUT YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE WALKING ALONG?

YOU EVER LOOK DOWN AT YOUR LEGS

AND THINK, "AM I REALLY DOING THAT?"

WAS IT ONE GUY WHO INVENTED THE SANDWICH,

OR DID HE JUST GET CREDIT FOR IT? SON OF A--

SAY YOU'RE BUILDING A TIME MACHINE.

THERE'D REALLY BE NO REASON TO RUSH, RIGHT?

WHAT IF I COME BACK IN ANOTHER LIFE,

AND I'M EXACTLY THE SAME AS I AM NOW...

EXCEPT I HAVE A LISP?

AAH! OOH! AH! AH.

I'M OUT! I'M OUT! (Rockefeller laughs)

CONGRATULATIONS, BABY JESSICA.

NOW LET'S GRAB THE SAFE AND GET OUT OF HERE. (cell phone ringing)

(vibrating) EVERYBODY THINKS IT'S SO MUCH FUN, BUT BEING A CELEBRITY...

I CAN'T-- I CAN'T HAVE PHONE SEX

'CAUSE PEOPLE RECOGNIZE MY VOICE.

I CAN--IF I DO AN IMPRESSION, THEN I CAN DO IT,

BUT ALL I KNOW IS JAY LENO.

THAT'S NOT VERY ROMANTIC.

(as Jay Leno) HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WEARIN'?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WEARIN'?

(normal voice) DOES THAT SOUND LIKE JAY LENO?

(as Jay Leno) HEY, WHAT-- TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

(all laughing)

HEY. WHAT. LOOK AT THIS. HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHIEF?

WE GOT $1.5 MILLION BUCKS IN HERE! YEAH.

(Squatch) COME ON. IT'S JUST THE THOUGHT OF, UH,

RAY ROMANO LYING ON TOP OF ESPERANZA

KINDA PUT A DAMPER ON MY FESTIVITIES, THAT'S ALL.

OH. COME ON, MAN. COME ON.

(all speaking at once)

OH, THERE SHE IS!

MS. ESPERANZA VILLA... WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME AGAIN?

VILLALOBOS. VILLALOBOS-- THE CONQUERING HERO!

(cheering)

I MISSED YOUR CALLS. MY PHONE WAS ON THE VIBRATE.

OH, SPEAKING OF THE VIBRATE, I'M CURIOUS.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE RAY ROMANO'S DANDA?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

W-WAIT--WAIT A MINUTE. YOU... YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM?

IT WAS WORSE. HE KEPT DRONING ON AND ON

WITH THIS VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE A CANADIAN GOOSE.

(speaks Spanish) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID,

BUT I HOPE IT SPANISH IT MEANS WE'RE RICH PEOPLE NOW! (cheering)

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

AH, MILADY, UM,

WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO SAVE YOU FROM ENRICO,

AND, UH, TONIGHT YOU HAVE

REPAID US BACK MANY TIMES OVER BY OFFERING YOUR OWN INNOCENCE.

(laughs)

AND, UH... WE'D LIKE TO THANK YOU.

(applause) (Gary) THAT IS SWEET. THAT IS VERY SWEET.

THAT IS VERY SWEET. YEAH. YEAH, COME ON. COME TO PAPI.

AH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, LADY AND GENTLEMEN...

(Squatch) HEY. THIS IS A MOMENTOUS MOMENT FOR THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY.

(Rockefeller) YEAH. WE FINALLY STOLE SOMETHING!

HEY, NOT JUST SOMETHING.

WE GOT A $1.5 MILLION RING IN THIS BABY. YES, WE DO. YES, WE DO.

YOU KNOW, I MET A MAN TONIGHT

WHO HAS EVERYTHING HANDED TO HIM ON A SILVER PLATTER,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS? MISERABLE.

THAT'S RIGHT, BUT NOT US, BECAUSE WE WORKED FOR THIS.

WE EARNED THIS!

EVERY ONE OF US HAS MADE GREAT PERSONAL SACRIFICE

TO ACHIEVE THIS GLORIOUS MOMENT,

AND WE CROSSED A THRESHOLD TOGETHER,

AS KNIGHTS.

HMM?

FOR, AS PROMISED,

OUR LIVES ARE ABOUT TO BE CHANGED...

FOREVER!

(all cheering)

YEAH! YEAH!

(Esperanza) SALUD!

HEY, QUICK QUESTION.

HOW WE GONNA OPEN THIS BITCH?

HUH?

UH...

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

(Rockefeller) WE THE KNIGHTS, BABY.