Original subtitles

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

♪

‐ Hey, Korvo, you care if I take a Tiki nap in here?

I don't know why it's easier to drink and sleep on the couch than in bed.

But it is.

‐ Go ahead, Terry.

I'm just using the peace and quiet to re‐catalogue

all 10,000 data spikes.

It's so relaxing.

[door slams open] [grunting, lasers firing]

‐ Terry, Korvo!

Jesse got eyeliner all over my holocron,

and now it won't work!

‐ I'm experimenting with eyebrows!

‐ Stop judging us with your facial hair!

‐ What on Gorb's Grey Grible is going on here!?

[shouting over each other]

‐ ...and a landing strip like Staci K!

‐ Shut up! Why aren't you at school?

‐ Double duh, school's closed.

‐ Oh great, what is it this time?

Another one of their meaningless holidays

like Apple Pie Day or Yom Kapper?

‐ No, it's summer. We learned about it last year, remember?

The whole ice lava thing?

‐ No, what?

‐ I guess we'll just have to stomach one extra day

of you two taking up our adult space.

Probably better than you being molested at that school.

‐ Summer break's three months long.

[spits] Aw man.

‐ Three months? That's like one 90 Day Fiancé!

‐ Yeah, and you better not be riding our crack like this the whole time.

Summer is when we get to do anything we want.

‐ Like a screaming competition. ‐ Go!

[both screaming]

‐ This summer thing is not going to work for me, Terry.

It's worse than the nightmare on Helms Street,

which is what they call the time a Port‐a‐Potty emptying truck

tipped over on Ed Helms' private drive.

‐ Such a waste of poop.

‐ I don't want the replicants at home!

I can't take three months of this, Terry!

I like them for 45 minutes in the morning

and maybe a couple of hours at night, tops.

‐ Well, we obviously have to kill the replicants.

‐ It does make the most sense. We can always grow new ones.

Let's do it quick, before we get too attached to these.

‐ What are we talkin', poison?

Put 'em in a bag and throw them in a quarry?

‐ I was thinking we could maybe just shave some glass into their food.

‐ I could use my pillow as a silencer and shoot them in their sleep?

Right in their fuckin' face.

‐ Or use the pillow for a good old‐fashioned smothering.

Just like the ones we see on TV and movies, Terry.

‐ Looks like the Solar Opposites are killing their replicants!

‐ Um, excuse me. Hi, Terry. Korvo.

I couldn't help but overhear you debating different ways to kill your children.

‐ That is correct. ‐ Mind your own business,

you old bowl of soup.

‐ Why don't you just send them to summer camp?

‐ Pretend we don't know anything and walk us through it.

‐ Thank God this camp thing came up.

Jesse and I were just about to kill you guys.

‐ What? We were about to kill you guys too!

‐ That is so funny. Great minds think alike!

ALL: [chanting] Camp! Camp! Camp!

Camp! Camp! Camp!

TERRY: Hey! It's a camp thing!

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

I don't understand why people like daylight so much.

It's so loud when it hits your skin.

♪

YUMYULACK: Ooh, ooh, camp sounds amazing.

I'm excited to use my bounty hunting skills

to hunt down and torture those who have captured the flag.

‐ And I'm excited for a sexual awakening.

I heard last year Julia Howland went to camp a girl

and came back a woman.

But then it turned out it actually was a woman

and they never found Julia's body.

Crazy, huh?

‐ Well, I'm excited to perform something from Angels in America on talent night.

I took out all the gay stuff and doubled the angels.

‐ You're not going to camp, Terry!

The whole point is that we're gonna have the house to ourselves.

Are you still Tiki drunk?

‐ No. [slurping]

‐ Terry, t‐take your next left.

[tires squealing]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[thudding]

[bird screeches]

[tires squealing]

‐ This is camp?

‐ No, don't be dumb.

It's much, much deeper in the woods.

‐ Okay, guys, remember: we parked by trees.

‐ Halt. This... is camp.

Goodbye, we're leaving. Good luck.

‐ Wha‐‐ it‐it looks the same as where we parked.

‐ Yeah, this just feels like the regular old woods.

Where's camp?

‐ We talked to our creepy, bitchy neighbor for almost five minutes about this,

so I know for sure that this is camp.

We leave you here for two or three weeks,

and you learn to swim or some shit, and then we come pick you up.

The end.

‐ Done and done. ‐ Cool, works for me.

‐ We'll visit over parents' weekend. Okay, bye.

‐ No, we won't. Terry, are you sure the car is this way?

‐ I took four units of pathfinding at the academy

to prepare for life on dangerous alien worlds.

I think I can walk us out of the woods.

[eagle screeches]

‐ What the fuck, Terry? Just admit it, we're lost!

‐ It's just up here, I promise.

‐ Camp sucks, there's not even a flag to capture.

‐ Hey, how long does it take to sexually awaken?

I whittled a boyfriend to grind on, you know, for when it happens.

This is Nate Jacobs. We met at his bark‐mitzvah.

‐ Can we just go home? ‐ Yes.

Except we're lost. ‐ I knew it!

All because you couldn't stop drinking those stupid Tiki drinks.

‐ They're not stupid! I find my way out of the woods better when I'm drunk.

You ever even had any of these? This one's from a coconut.

[Korvo grunts] ‐ Aw!

‐ How can we possibly be lost?

We have access to the most sophisticated tracking equipment in the quadrant.

‐ I left it in the car, okay.

‐ We're going to be trapped here until we die,

and I'll never get to have a 500 Days of Summer quirky romance

with a manic pixie dream boy!

‐ Everybody calm down. I'm an expert trailblazer.

We just have to follow the dimmest star,

it'll always lead directly South.

[owl hoots]

All the stars are dim on this stupid planet!

‐ [gasps] Why is there a branch through my shoulder?

‐ Because you said if we didn't eat soon

you were going to ram a branch through your shoulder.

‐ And that was six weeks ago.

‐ Oh right, yeah, I guess I'm in shock.

♪

‐ There's no question anymore, we have a serial killer on our hands.

‐ Whoa, we're going straight to judging people

just because of five identical murders?

‐ I'm not convinced.

I still think a cricket did it.

‐ A cricket?

Could a cricket kill five random men,

surgically remove their organs,

and place their corpses in the shape of a winky face?

‐ Have you seen Pinocchio?

‐ [snickers] Yeah. Who knows what they could accomplish

if they put their minds to murdering.

Or worse, their legs.

‐ Ooh, what if it's two crickets working together?

‐ Or one original homicidal cricket

and then a copy cricket.

‐ Can I just throw out there that we probably just have

one regular human murderer

and not two genius‐level killer crickets.

‐ You're letting your imagination run wild.

You're not an executive story editor on the hit FOX drama Bones anymore.

This is real life.

‐ These are real people we're talking about,

not characters played by the eminently watchable Emily Deschanel.

Are you even listening to me?

‐ No, if there's one thing I learned on Bones,

it's never get between Boreanaz and second dinner.

But another thing was: go with your gut.

And my gut says we gotta move fast.

‐ Nate! Mwah! Mwah!

Nate, you're back. I missed you.

Oh! Nate! Not in front of my family.

‐ We're back where we started? ‐ Are we gonna die out here?

‐ Wait, I can't die yet!

We haven't even finished our camp story arc.

What happens with all that?

‐ That's not how life works, we're not on TV.

We're starving to death in the woods.

We don't have time to learn the value of sharing or whatever.

‐ So now instead of camp, it's just a lost in the woods story?

‐ Would you stop trying to make it a story?

‐ We are lost in the woods, though!

‐ Not for long, we have one more option.

It's typically reserved to survive the most barren, inhospitable planets,

but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Yumyulack, it's time.

‐ Ohh! ‐ Are you sure?

‐ We're dying, we have to.

‐ Uhh... what are you talking about?

‐ The Emergency Urbanizer.

It's a life raft for the land.

‐ We only have one of these, we can never do it again.

‐ Quit wasting time, Yumyulack. We all know the stakes.

They've been tapped multiple times. Just do it.

[gun fires]

[ground rumbling, leaves rustling]

♪ "Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin playing ♪

♪

[thudding] [all screaming]

[all gasp]

[horn honks]

HALK: The seven on that scrap of paper,

it's a clue.

Our guy must live in Sector 7. I can feel it in my bones.

Episode 21, never aired.

Pre‐empted by the killing of Bin Laden.

Good episode. Bobby Cannavale guest starred as a pimp.

‐ Wow, I didn't know crickets could use paper.

You see how smart they are?

♪ tense music playing ♪

[door creaks]

‐ Bingo. Somebody killed some shit up in this piece.

♪

‐ Freeze! Get him! Get him!

‐ Ah!

[spits, gasps]

‐ He was not!

ENRIQUE: Yuh‐huh, he was totally reaching for something!

We saved your life!

‐ A "thank you" would be nice.

‐ We could have brought him in alive!

‐ Wait, whoa, whoa. Wait, whoa! We didn't discuss that at all.

We thought we were supposed to staple him immediately.

‐ You should be happy your theory was right.

It wasn't a cricket after all. And we got him!

ENRIQUE: Woo‐hoo‐hoo! SONNY: Oh yeah! Ha ha ha!

[horns honking]

‐ Who knows where the car is at this point?

It could take us days to find.

‐ Holy guacamole!

What is this place?

‐ It's complicated.

There's a tourist video station over there.

Come on, we'll go watch.

‐ Howdy, I'm wood actor Wooden Harrelson,

star of the upcoming film

Now You Three Me: Escape from the Pokerverse.

Welcome to The Wooden City,

the most exciting, actually growing city in the world.

The Wooden City is just like a regular city,

except algorithmically generated

from materials available in the woods.

Except the animals. [growls]

They are real, and they will kill you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an 8:30 at Dorsia.

That's right, it's not all forest puns here.

‐ The good news: we're not lost in the woods anymore.

The bad news: we're now lost in a giant big wooden city.

[wolf howling]

We just need to make enough money to rent a car

so we can drive back to where we parked our actual car

and get the hell out of here.

‐ Let's split up and all get jobs. That way, it'll go faster.

‐ But shouldn't we stick together?

‐ No. It would be faster if we all went and got our own jobs

and made money as fast as possible.

This isn't a game. It's survival.

‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Now the story isn't about camp or being lost in the woods,

it's about surviving in the big city?

‐ Yeah, or it could be a Godzilla story,

so keep your eyes... open.

‐ Okay, I have a ton of notes.

‐ This is gonna be awesome!

We're in the big city!

You can be anything you want out here:

super hero, politician, orthodontist.

I'm going to be a famous ten‐figure actor

and then maybe retire as a two‐figure voice actor.

Come on, kid, what have you always wanted to be?

What's your craziest dream? Spill it, we're all havin' fun.

‐ I have always wanted to work in fashion.

‐ I'm gonna work in finance because I've always wanted to be a shit head.

‐ That a boy, dream big.

Okay, you all have your big city stories now.

Remember, we just need money to get a car to get to our car.

‐ What are you gonna do?

‐ I‐I don't know yet, so I'm just gonna walk around and look for a sign.

Everyone, meet back here tonight with all the money we've earned!

♪

‐ I wanted oak, not maple, you stupid birch.

‐ [hawk screeches] ‐ Ah! Help me!

‐ You're fired. Have a... carried‐off‐by‐a‐hawk life.

You! ‐ [gasps] Me?

‐ You're my assistant now.

Pick up those acorns and follow me.

ASSISTANT: Oh my god!

[hawk screeching] Stop it! Ah!

‐ Five million? I don't get outta bed for under ten, you stinky cock smoocher!

‐ Wow, that is, without a doubt, the coolest guy I've ever seen.

Even the statues are cool.

[growls] Ah! [panting]

‐ Ten million? I don't get outta bed for under five!

Wait, no. Ten million I will humbly accept.

[all cheering]

[cork pops]

[gasps] MAN: Hey, dickless!

You the new kid? ‐ Oh, uh‐‐ yeah? Yes.

‐ Then pick up a fucking phone and make me some fucking money!

[woman screams]

[grunts]

‐ Ayy, relax, kid. You done good. You done real good.

Why don't you come down and see me at the cab stand.

We could use a kid like you.

KORVO: Ever since I could remember,

I wanted to be a gangster.

♪ swing music playing ♪

[laughing]

Uh, ahem. Hello‐‐

[growling] [Korvo screaming]

Ah!

‐ Aah! Oh man. He was like, "You shot me, bro!"

‐ Ha ha ha, yeah. 'Cause you shot him!

That was so classic. Boom boom, you're dead.

‐ Yo, what's up your ass, hombre?

You're a Wall hero again.

And just in time for Cherie Day!

‐ Something doesn't feel right.

‐ What doesn't feel right is you haven't had

enough fermented piss to celebrate!

[laughing, cheering]

‐ Oh, I, um, just realized I left my favorite, uh, piss mug at home.

‐ Aw, man, go get it!

‐ ♪ They say love is blind when you're of a hive mind ♪

♪ But it's hard to find that honey ♪

♪ Since our numbers have declined ♪

[panting] ‐ Next.

‐ You mean, like next round of auditions?

Typically, that's called a callback.

Or do you mean next step in the process which is what, wardrobe?

That's perfect because I have some thoughts on bees and wasps‐‐

‐ No. I meant next audition.

You were wildly talentless in every way

except making us feel embarrassed for you.

‐ Are you serious?

I'm embarrassed for you that you can't see generational talent

when it's right in front of your fuckin' faces!

‐ Sweetie, the only chance you have at being referred to as "talent"

is if you become a prostitute.

‐ A prostitute!? Ha! I would never. Do you hear me? Never!

It's not a blow job, sweetie. It's a blow career.

You can't just start at the top, you gotta, you‐‐ Hey!

You wanna have some fun, sugar?

‐ How much? ‐ Uhh, ten grand an hour.

‐ No fuckin' way‐‐

‐ Fine, fine, fine, fine. Five hundred for two hours.

Hands and mouth only. Best and final.

A‐a hundred an hour. Buy two, get six free. No holes barred.

A‐a‐alright, okay. Four bucks, clock's off,

you can pull my teeth out, bang me to Bethlehem,

and leave me for dead.

My one request is that you get me drunk first.

Or I can do it sober, whatever.

I guess that's just life in the big city,

would be the perfect line to say to launch into a montage.

Oh! Oh my god, it's happening!

♪ Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" playing ♪

‐ ♪ Darken the city, night is a wire ♪

♪ Steam in the subway ♪

[gasps] [growling]

♪ Do do do do do do do do‐do do‐do‐do do‐do ♪

‐ Nope, no, maybe, nope, no,

too hippy, no, needs more brow, no,

kill yourself, kill me, this is brilliant,

get cancer, I love you, die in World War Z.

‐ Jesse, I don't know what to say.

Sorry for how things unfolded.

If you would just let me explain.

I'm ruined. [grunts]

‐ Have yourself a slapped‐in‐the‐face evening.

[all applauding]

‐ Fifty million bottles of champagne

for our $50 million man!

‐ Fifty million, that's what I'm talking about!

‐ ♪ And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪

‐ Get out.

♪

All I wanted to do was get money to get a car to get to our car.

Seemed so simple.

[glass shatters] Aah!

[gunshot] [screeches]

[cocks gun]

‐ And of course, you couldn't be bothered

to attend Yumyulack Junior's christening

'cause you're too busy putting your nose in a pile of cocaine

and your dick in a pile of crack cocaine!

‐ Okay, what if I did fuck crack cocaine?

What difference would it make?

You don't know anything about me anymore, Cindeen!

‐ I know one thing about you: You're about to be divorced!

‐ I wish I'd never bought this wooden penis!

[door slams]

Trip, the FBI's here but we're fine, right?

Nothing to worry about? Trip?

‐ Yeah, yeah, we're fine, bud. Don't even worry about it.

Let 'em do their thing. It's all good. All good.

[gunshot] ‐ Oh my god, Trip!

Oh!

[crying, shouting]

[handcuffs clicking] Alright, everyone. Don't panic.

We're gonna beat this. We're gonna be just fine.

[groans]

[man screams]

‐ ♪ Scent and a sound ♪

♪ I'm lost and I'm found ♪

♪ And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪

♪ Strut on a line ♪

[knocking on door]

♪ I howl and I whine I'm after you ♪

♪ Mouth is alive ♪

[panting] [wolf growling]

[glass shatters]

[growls] ‐ Ah!

Son of a bitch! [grunts]

Ah, fuck! [whimpers]

[sobs] Oh!

I'm trying to do a mafia story, you piece of shit!

[barking]

[exhales]

♪

♪ foreboding music playing ♪

♪

[faint clattering]

‐ Freeze!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[gasps]

♪

[Halk grunts]

♪

[panting]

♪

[crack]

[people shouting and crying]

[both grunting]

[woman screams]

[man screams]

[man screams]

[both screaming]

♪ light jazz music playing ♪

‐ Oh, I simply adore your gown, Jesse.

You truly are the queen of Wooden City fashion.

‐ Whatever. ‐ Congrats on all your success.

‐ Who gives a shit. [gasps]

You guys came? It's good to see you.

How's everyone doing?

‐ Me? Oh I'm doing great.

Started a big hedge fund, got an office at the top

of the Squirrel Trade Center,

played by the rules.

Nice guys finish first. What else can I say?

No major issues personally or professionally.

‐ Ditto for me.

Built myself a sweet little career in the customer service industry.

I'm my own boss so I set my own hours,

come and go as I please.

Taking some risks with my attire, so be it.

Who the fuck are you to judge?

‐ No judgments here. For I am‐‐

‐ Bleeding? ‐ Bleeding? No, this is,

uh, party sauce.

I'm doing great also, so don't question me.

Fell in with a great group of guys.

We mostly do, uh, construction.

My best friends are Jimmy The Trigger, Ronny Kills‐A‐Lot,

and Guido The Stone Cold Psycho.

‐ I'm very happy for you all.

Because, as you can see,

I've reached the pinnacle of the fashion world.

All my dreams have come true, and I've never been happier.

I love it here. End of story.

‐ Well, I think I'm gonna take off.

‐ Yeah, I have a really important sales cum‐‐

I mean, conference balls‐‐

no, I mean a team skeeting‐‐

uh, shaftholder meeting‐‐

I mean, my shattered ass is healing‐‐

Bleh, I'm shattering the glass ceiling.

‐ I should go as well.

I'm pretty heavily party saucing.

L‐losing strength‐‐

‐ Wait! Guys!

The truth is, it may look like I'm doing well on the outside,

but I'm very lonely.

I miss you guys.

I know we're all deep into our separate lives,

but I'd like it if you could stay.

I mean, just for a little.

‐ To be honest, I flew too close to the sun.

By which I mean committed several financial crimes.

Plus I got divorced, company got raided by the FBI,

and all my coworkers killed themselves.

‐ I'm hurt real bad.

I just wanted to be a gangster, but I kept getting attacked by wolves.

‐ I know this may come as a huge shock, but I haven't been honest either.

I'm a sex worker, and I let lonely tree men pay to fuck me.

‐ We got so wrapped up surviving in the big city,

getting sucked into our new lives,

but are any of us really happy?

‐ I was happier when we were just a regular alien team.

‐ Not just a team, a team family.

‐ We all lost sight of our goal:

making enough money to get back to our old life

so we could all be together again.

We've picked our path, and we can never go home again.

‐ Um, guys? The city's on fire.

KORVO: Jesus Christ, it's that flaming wolf that ran off!

We have to go home! ‐ Wait a second.

Is that our car? Way out there in the distance?

‐ Quick, before we burn alive!

[people screaming] [horn blaring]

[panting]

[engine starts]

‐ Bye, camp! I'll miss you! See you next summer!

[tires squealing]

‐ Ah. This is nice.

I may have overreacted to you two being home from school.

Sometimes it's not awful to share the house with you.

‐ Yes, we did it!

The Solar Opposites emotionally arced!

[Italian accent] Now that's a‐story!

‐ Fuck you. No, it wasn't.

No, wait, w‐we did arc!

I‐I'm proud of all of us.

‐ Just in time because we go back to school tomorrow.

‐ Oh really? Th‐th‐that's a bummer.

‐ See, I knew you'd come around and want to spend more time with us!

‐ Oh no, it's a bummer because I thought summer was two more months

and I already poisoned you.

‐ Ah, geez, I'll get the antidote.

NEWS ANCHOR: The mysterious wooden city that recently appeared out of nowhere

tragically burned to the ground last week

in a fire experts are calling inevitable.

‐ I gotta be honest, I feel bad The Wooden City is gone.

They had a really good Arby's...

to get fucked in.

‐ It's for the best. The Wooden City turned us into our worst selves.

We're lucky it's gone forever‐‐

NEWS ANCHOR: But miraculously,

it has grown back stronger than ever before

and will now be hosting the Summer Olympics in 2028.

‐ Wait, what'd they say? ‐ Nothing!

Nobody's going back to The Wooden City.

Now go to your room and take your antidote!

Honestly, it might be too late.

♪

‐ Ah. It's so peaceful here in the woods.

‐ Finally, some peace and quiet. Am I right?

‐ You know, without summer break, we would have never found this condo.

[yawns]

‐ Sometimes life finds a way.

[sirens blaring in distance]

[roars] ‐ Shit, a moose!

Terry, run! ‐ It's got me! It hurts! No!

‐ Oh Jesus, fuck, it bit my leg off!

[both shouting indistinctly] [glass shattering]

TERRY: Oh, it stinks!

You never really know how bad moose stinks!

Oh, it stinks like shit!

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

[mimicking laser fire]