Original subtitles

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

KORVO: The ship is totally repaired!

We can finally leave this shithole planet

and find a good one that Pupa can terraform.

Then we can grow more Shlorpians

from the seeds we have stored in the cryopods.

So long, Earth suckers. Enjoy the melting ice caps.

I hope the combustion engine was worth it.

‐ Goodbye, oxygen‐rich atmosphere. Goodbye, puppies.

Goodbye, Maroon 5!

‐ I'm glad we're finally going to a planet that doesn't have stupid rules,

like saying "excuse me" after you fart.

You're supposed to say it before you fart.

‐ This fucking sucks!

If I was team leader, we'd be getting butter‐drunk at Harry P‐Land

and loading up on wands.

‐ Well, tough titties, you're not. Everyone, strap in.

I'm going to activate the launch.

Jesse! What‐‐ what the hell is that?

‐ M&Ms with the olives inside.

They're oily and sour. ‐ Give me that!

Every ounce of weight matters!

Something this small could set us off course

and straight into the sun. [beeps]

[sighs] We're back to equilibrium.

Launching now.

[boosters whooshing]

It's working! Wait.

MICHAEL: [on phone] Geek Squad, Michael speaking.

‐ This is Korvo the alien. I'm calling to say fuck you, Michael.

You've been working on my Lenovo for too many weeks now,

and you can just shove it up your ass, Michael.

MICHAEL: The Judge said you're weren't supposed to call here anymore.

‐ Fuck you and fuck your whole squad,

and I fucked your mom.

MICHAEL: Whoa! Hey‐‐ [beep]

[whooshing]

[beeping]

♪

[beeping] ‐ No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[all screaming]

[man screaming]

No, the balance was off.

Did someone accidentally have a penny in their pocket

or a contact lens or a feather?

‐ I might have hidden some stuff on the ship.

‐ Did it weigh more than a gram?

[clattering]

What the hell? Bags of sand, bowling balls,

Congo pinball machine, a lifetime supply of Silly Putty eggs?

You needed to bring the entire series run of Cops on DVD and VHS!

‐ I didn't know what kind of player the hotel would have.

‐ There is no hotel! Terry, you idiot! It's‐‐ it's a empty planet.

This puts us right back to where we were a year ago.

‐ Oh my God, make a bigger deal about it, ya poopy!

‐ Yay! We're still trapped on Earth!

‐ Excuse me. [farts]

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid. They're always thirsty.

But they don't drink their own piss, I don't get it.

[stammers] Just drink your own piss.

♪

‐ Oh yeah, they're making Succession cereal with all the shapes:

Romans, Logans, and Purple Shivs!

‐ The autopilot's completely destroyed.

We're going to have to re‐pilot the whole thing.

What is the distress detector doing in the freezer?

‐ Oh, it wouldn't stop beeping. It was driving me nuts.

‐ It only beeps when it receives a Shlorpian distress call!

That means there's aliens from the home world

somewhere in this quadrant!

How long has this been beeping?

‐ A year? Or a year and a half, maybe?

‐ Damn it, Terry! All right, come on, we have to help them!

They're probably on an M‐class planet somewhere in the Gamma sector.

What the hell, they're on Earth!

‐ Looks like the Solar Opposites are going to London!

‐ I can't believe we get to use the hover platform.

I thought that was a one‐time thing.

‐ The Solar Opposites are hovering to London!

‐ Would you stop saying that. W‐what does that even mean?

‐ Well, I just think we should be called "The Solar Opposites."

‐ No, that's stupid.

Wait, where's Yumyulack and the Pupa?

Damn it! How are we still so bad at this?

Watching the Pupa is your whole job, Terry.

‐ Don't worry, I'm sure Yumyulack's keeping him real safe.

What could go wrong?

‐ I guess as long as he doesn't let the Pupa watch Robocop again,

it'll‐‐ it'll be fine.

‐ Dead or alive, you're coming with me!

MAN ON TV: Suck my shitty tits, Robocop!

[gunshots] [Pupa gasps]

[man screaming]

[bell rings]

‐ Jaeden, Aaden, Braden. Still as cool as last year, I see.

‐ We are, but our internal politics have shifted.

This year, Jaeden is our leader. I was demoted.

‐ You know, my adults are out of town.

If you guys want to hang at my place, we could drink too much

and maybe hurt our chances of living past 65.

‐ A witch said I'm gonna die at 25 anyway, so I guess I'm down.

‐ Silence. Your alpha speaks.

Yumyulack, it'd be cool to throw a sleepover party.

I decree that all cool kids will attend.

‐ But I thought you hated me?

‐ Dunking on you was a policy of the Aaden era.

Since then, we all went to Christian summer camp

and realized it's cool to be inclusive.

It was Christian Slater's volleyball camp.

This'll be the coolest party of the year!

[all talking gibberish]

♪

‐ The Solar Opposites have made it to London!

All right, shut up, follow me.

‐ Oh, so now he's calling us "the Solar Opposites"?

‐ Oh, I cannot wait to meet these new aliens.

Do you think they've been studying hydron levels

or stratospheric particulates?

‐ Wow, both sound so cool, it's hard to pick. Hopefully both?

‐ Oh my god, that would be amazing.

[device beeping]

[pigeons cooing]

[beeping quickens] Hmm. That's odd.

Apparently, they live in the sewer for some reason.

[beeping quickens]

[beeping quickens]

[gasps] Oh!

Damn, look at that ship. It's... nice.

Hello? Is anyone here in distress?

‐ What are you doing? Get in here!

‐ Uh, we were following a distress call?

Doesn't seem like you're in that much distress.

‐ I am Kabronius, team leader of this ship.

‐ This is Zelvod, my co‐team leader,

and our replicants Tivo and Damasculon.

‐ Are you crazy? Where are your masks?

‐ I didn't know we needed masks. I've been breathing air for over a year!

[inhales, coughs] KABRONIUS: No,

the face masks are so you can hide from the Terrans!

‐ We use these to walk amongst the Terrans

so they don't capture and dissect us.

‐ Where we live in America, we don't wear masks.

We're noticeable almost all of the time.

‐ Yeah, our ship sticks out of the top of our house,

and one time we covered the whole town in ice lava.

So, they know us.

‐ B‐b‐but, you know, we also spend a lot of time hiding from Terrans

as well. ‐ No, we don't.

‐ Aren't you scared that the government will kidnap you?

‐ Yes, all the time, we have to be very careful around Terrans.

They're the aliens, a‐a‐am I right?

‐ I never thought of it like that. They really are.

‐ Oh, oh, can we show them the neutron array?

Please? ‐ Okay, okay.

It is very nice. We have a very nice neutron array.

‐ Who calls it "terra"?

‐ Yeah, these dorks are real Korvos.

[both snicker]

‐ And of course, the end of any good ship tour,

the havacord meniscus.

‐ Is this dual sided?

‐ It is! This guy knows his stuff.

‐ Ugh, I wish I had a dual meniscus,

ours only emits from the left.

‐ Ah, so great. Hey, guys.

Do you wanna go eat tikka masala and see some castles?

Maybe, uh, Ramsay some Gordons?

‐ Ooh yes! Let's go meet Pippa. Nobody gets her.

‐ Oh, no, no, no. We survive by creeping out at night

to find food in dumpsters.

If we get spotted, we erase people's minds with a memory zapper.

‐ Eventually, we might infiltrate the government

and try brainwashing some people.

‐ Wow, then you could go work in the government.

‐ This ship is so much nicer than ours,

not to mention our house is cluttered with toys and magazines.

‐ Oh, we only allow Shlorpian items to stay on the ship,

it reminds us of home.

‐ You hear that, Terry? ‐ "You hear that Terry?" Shut up, bitch.

‐ We were about to start our hourly prayers. Care to join?

‐ Eh, we only pray on Easter

or when we think we're about to die.

And even then, we don't really mean it.

‐ I call dibs on the first three hundred psalms!

‐ No fair!

‐ It is so good to know that we aren't alone in this dangerous world.

Look, if you ever need a Shlorpian place to stay,

our hatch is open.

We have tons of room and all the eel trash you can eat.

‐ Thank you. And may I just say‐‐

[horn honking] ‐ Ugh, can we please go already?

‐ Sorry. I just wanted to thank you for being‐‐

[horn honking] ‐ Korvo, I'm bored!

‐ Bye! Have fun!

‐ Looks like the Solar Opposites are going to America!

Next time we're flying! ‐ No! I like the platform!

Ahh!

‐ Can you believe those weirdo British aliens pray every hour?

Next time, let's just ignore the distress signal.

Bunch of Jar Jar dinks. Meesa gonna hide from Terrans!

‐ Those Shlorpians were exactly the way we are supposed to be.

‐ Sneaking out at night to dumpster dive for trash food?

Meesa gonna eat trash!

‐ They're basic. We're extra, they're basic.

‐ They were not!

‐ I'm honestly surprised they didn't have a flying saucer.

They were like a bunch of ALFs: Alone Loser Fucks.

‐ They honor the proud traditions of the home world

and from now on, so do we.

We're all meditating around the obsidian candle tonight

as a family.

‐ Yeah, right, pass. ‐ Hard pass.

‐ This is important! It's who we are! It's our heritage.

‐ You've gone just as native as we have.

‐ Yeah, you like Pizza Hut stuffed crust as much as we do.

You even bought a gym membership and you never went.

‐ You're sort of like a fake alien, you know.

‐ You two are fake aliens!

[sobbing]

‐ Ugh, what are you doing?

‐ I'm moving to ye olde London town

to live with the aliens that appreciate me!

‐ That guy really turns on a dime, doesn't he?

‐ He's tough to manage.

‐ We're so happy you've decided to be a part of our mission, Korvo.

‐ You seem like a Shlorpian lasered from the same zarb as us.

‐ Oh, it's nice to be around a team that's preserved our culture

and keeps our culture preserved, you know.

‐ Just think of this ship as a comforting piece of the home world.

Now let's circle around the grangnar and hit ourselves with ropes.

‐ That sounds wonderful.

[growls]

[all grunting]

TIVO: Oh, it hurts so good.

‐ Are you sure‐‐ ALL: Ow!

‐ your old teammates are okay with you‐‐ ALL: Ow!

‐ joining us? ALL: Ow!

‐ Something tells me‐‐ ALL: Ow‐

‐ they're already regretting being dicks to me.

‐ I'm never taking off my Poe Dameron jammies ever again!

Hey, oh, what are you going to do now that Korvo's dead, I mean gone?

‐ I adopted a high‐maintenance elderly dog!

We're going to have to spend a lot of time cleaning out her ears,

putting lotion in her butt, squeezing the anals,

all the responsibility I've been begging for!

[whimpers]

‐ You wanna play with the gold machine?

‐ Korvo would hate that, let's do it!

[barks] ‐ Ah!

♪

[Jesse and Terry laughing]

‐ Whee!

Korvo would be so mad that I'm rolling in all this gold!

‐ I just canceled the family cell plan and switched us over to Boost Mobile!

It comes with Crackle Plus!

They got all of Adam Sandler's friends' movies but none of his.

‐ What the hell? I thought you guys were in London.

‐ Korvo left the family, and I got a basset hound.

‐ I don't give a shit!

A bunch of cool kids are coming over for a sleepover this weekend,

so can you please just be chill?

‐ Hey, maybe they'll want to have a gold fight!

[grunting]

‐ Guys, don't embarrass me! No giving out gold!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

ZELVOD: This is amazing! We're gonna be eating trash for a week!

‐ I didn't see any Terran soldiers,

I think we avoided detection.

‐ Uh‐uh‐uh, just a thought, but maybe they aren't hunting you?

[all laugh]

‐ Yeah, right, that sounds like human lover talk.

Hey, Korvo, why don't you recite the holy number before we dig in?

‐ Oh, it's an honor! [clears throat]

Eight, seven, five.

Z‐zero... uh... it's zero and then... f‐four?

No, three. I'm sorry, I‐I haven't said the holy number for a while.

‐ What, you don't say it at home?

‐ Of course I do, it's just‐‐ L‐let me think.

Eight, seven, four‐‐

No, five, seven‐‐ [all laughing]

‐ You sound like a sproutling! ‐ "Fuh‐fuh‐fuh four?"

‐ It's a non‐repeating number.

‐ Oh, you really have gone native.

‐ Oh no. Am I the "Terry" of this team? No, that's impossible.

‐ Are you narrating to yourself like you're the star of a TV show?

‐ Oh god, I am the Terry!

‐ Jesse! Where do we keep money?

We have a huge Postmates bill from ordering all those ketchup packets.

‐ Can't we just use the gold machine?

‐ Whoa, whoa, what's, what's with you, are you poisoned?

‐ Ugh, the dog is so high maintenance, I didn't sleep at all.

[barks] Ahh!

Noooo!

It thinks I'm a toy.

[crying] But I'm not.

I just look like one!

‐ Aw, man, the whole thing just turned to gold!

How am I supposed to make gold now?

Stupid piece of crap.

[banging on door] ‐ Hey! This is Andrew from Postmates!

You owe me fifty thousand dollars!

‐ When did they get so intense about billing?

‐ Turns out it's actually pretty hard to get your side hustle on.

[car horn honking]

Ugh, without Korvo here to fix our gold machine or fight our creditors,

I guess I gotta find a job.

[sighs]

‐ The customer comes in, they pick their cookie,

they pick their ookie, you weigh it, then you charge ‘em.

‐ Yeah, when do I get paid?

‐ End of the month, but, but you get free ookie after closing

'cause it gets crusty if we don't use it.

[door opens]

‐ Hey, stop limping the biscuits! You have to pay for that!

[groans]

‐ K‐Kabronius, c‐can I talk to you for a second?

‐ Well, of course, Korvo, what's up?

‐ I‐I‐I want this team to accept me as a dedicated Shlorpian.

Is there any role I can fill? D‐d‐do you need a ship repair guy?

‐ What we need is a Pupa specialist.

‐ Oh. Where's your Pupa? I‐I‐I could try that. I‐I could do that.

‐ We don't have one.

‐ W‐what happened to it?

‐ We never had one to begin with.

We left before they were fully designed.

Rich people don't wait for anything.

‐ You weren't assigned a Pupa when you escaped the home world?

‐ No, it went a little differently for us.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Some Shlorpians were workers, bred for duty and servitude.

KORVO: What? We were?

KABRONIUS: Others were an unseen ruling class

of wealthy leisure addicts.

Us rich aliens were given a heads‐up about the asteroid

about a month before it hit.

We bought expensive ships and left way, way, way in advance.

We landed on an already populated planet

and have been waiting for one of the Pupa crews to terraform it

so we can get back to being rich.

‐ I've never heard of rich, non‐working Shlorpians.

‐ That's why it worked so great.

‐ If you don't have a Pupa, then why do you need a specialist?

‐ We need a Pupa.

Terry's clearly gone native, he can't be a good guardian.

I mean, wouldn't the Pupa be happier with true Shlorpians,

terraforming a fresh planet?

‐ It does sound better.

‐ We want you to rescue your Pupa,

bring it to us, so we can have a new life.

‐ A new Shlorpian life.

‐ I‐I'll do it. First, we must Pupa‐proof the ship.

He likes to stick his nub in sockets.

He will eat anything that's blue.

‐ Man, I hate working at Ookie Cookie.

It is way more demeaning than the name implies.

And these Poe Dameron jammies are starting to stink.

‐ I think the basset hound hates me.

It makes me wear this collar and keeps burying me in the backyard.

‐ [gasps] That's it!

Okay, look. If we dress and act like Korvo,

maybe we'll be better at taking care of ourselves.

‐ So we have to repair the ship and complain a lot?

Why did you say "that's it"?

‐ Oh, it's just always what I say when I think of something.

[sighs] Let's get to work.

Okay, what would Korvo say?

"Terry! Stop sucking on cereal and having fun!"

'No way, you're not my dad." "Do what I fuckin' say!"

"I'll be in my room!" ‐ I hate this.

‐ There you go, now you're sounding like Korvo.

‐ All my cool friends are three hours late.

I think I gave them the wrong address!

I'm taking the Yeet Detector and going out to find them.

YEET DETECTOR: Yeet. Yeet. Yeet.

‐ Terry hates dealing with the Pupa anyway.

He's going to be so happy.

Hmm? [ringtone plays]

Terry? W‐why did I have to BoostTime you?

Did you sign up with Boost Mobile?

‐ Yes, it's just one of many mistakes we've made since you left!

‐ Korvo, we messed up. We really need you and miss you,

and I'm afraid I'm going to get eaten by a dog.

‐ What dog? I‐I told you no dogs in the house

until I figure out how to make them see me as the alpha!

Are you guys wearing ceremonial garb?

‐ Please come home. You were right. You were right!

‐ We'll be better, Korvo! We miss you!

‐ You really miss me?

And if I came home, you wouldn't shame me

for not knowing the sacred non‐repeating number?

‐ No. What the fuck are you talking about?

No, we need your help.

We're pieces of shit without you!

‐ Wow. Admitting you're wrong, begging me to help,

calling yourselves pieces of shit, this is what I've always wanted!

I'll be home soon, stay miserable!

YEET DETECTOR: Yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet‐‐

‐ Jaeden! You guys are accidentally partying at the wrong house!

‐ Aw, man. He found us.

‐ Nobody wants to go to a sleepover with an ugly blue alien

that smells like a penis.

I told you to have that sleepover so you wouldn't find out about our party.

‐ But... you said I was cool.

‐ Oh, you're not, you suck.

And to add some injury to insult,

fuck you, you little blue bitch!

[Yumyulack screams] [boys laughing]

‐ Korvo! Ready to scoop up the Pupa?

‐ I've changed my mind, you can't have the Pupa.

‐ But, uh, isn't Terry an idiot?

‐ Yes, but he's a part of my team. And it's my job to lead them.

‐ What about the plan?

When will you terraform so we can get back to living our secret rich lives?

‐ You'll just have to keep doing what you're doing

and wait for the Pupa to evolve just like us.

[grunting]

K‐Kabronius! What the hell!

Let me out of here!

‐ No! That Pupa belongs to us!

Ow, you're heavy. ‐ Fuck you.

Don't you touch my Pupa, you rich fucks!

[Korvo grunting]

Let me out of here!

‐ The Pupa will be happier in a team of real Shlorpians.

‐ Fuck you, Zelvod! You're a piece of shit! You hear me?

Fuck all of you! You're a bunch of hacky ALFs!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[rumbling]

[people screaming]

Damn it! Wait, the sacred number.

Eight, five, nine, four, two‐‐

‐ Pupa detected, coordinates locked.

‐ Five, two, damn it, six!

Ha! I knew that stupid number the whole time!

Who's an idiot now?

Fuck! Eight, five, seven, nine, four, two‐‐

‐ Alien climbing up out of the sewer, huh?

What a time to be alive! [laughing]

Welcome to the UK. ‐ Which way to the Ferris wheel?

‐ Take you forever on foot, love. Come on, I'll give you a ride.

[siren wailing]

♪

[people scream]

♪

[metal snapping]

[thudding footsteps]

I thought he was going to roll it like a big wheel,

but I guess that lack of creativity is why I'm just a cop.

[thudding footsteps]

♪

‐ Give us your Pupa!

‐ Okay, why?

‐ Talking is getting us nowhere. Lethal force!

♪

‐ Fuck you, you're never gonna get our Pupa.

Activate auto defenses!

[rumbling]

[alarm blares]

♪

♪

‐ On my count, unleash sci‐fi hell!

Three, two, one‐‐

[yelling]

♪ jazz music playing ♪

‐ Jesus, shit. That was the craziest battle I've ever been in.

And all in one unbroken take?

That must have cost a million dollars!

‐ Give us the Pupa and we'll stop shooting at you.

‐ Let's just blast him and take the Pupa.

[thudding footsteps]

‐ Stop, stop! You can have the Pupa,

but we need to tell you how to take care of it.

If it dies, you won't get to be rich and lazy.

‐ All right, fine! You have 30 seconds!

‐ Korvo! The Pupa's like our baby.

You can't give him away.

‐ Shut up. I'm team leader.

[gasps]

And these guys have never seen a Pupa before.

‐ So?

‐ In case this doesn't work, go hide under the covers with this gun.

♪

Here's the Pupa. Tha‐tha‐that's the whole Pupa, right there.

‐ Wait.

It's even cuter than I imagined!

It's an honor to meet you, oh noble Pupa.

‐ The Pupa needs to be walked four times a day.

Don't forget, or she'll pee where you don't want her to.

Make sure to wipe its tushy with a wet wipe.

You have to boil fresh chicken and rice for her.

‐ Uh‐huh, slow down. ‐ Fresh, or she gets hives.

Also, I'm so sorry, but her ears are a mess!

‐ Slow down. Slow down.

‐ Wow, way to not know the basics of Pupa care.

‐ So how do we make it evolve and terraform?

‐ If it's not terraforming, that just means you aren't making it happy enough.

‐ We will dedicate our entire lives to pleasing this creature.

‐ Okay, good luck! Oh, and every time it barks,

you have to punch yourself in the face.

‐ He's right, that's true.

♪

[growls] ‐ Oh!

‐ Ah! [glass shatters]

‐ Ah! [beeping]

[whimpers, farts]

‐ Oh. Something just fell out of its stinking hole.

‐ That must mean it's ready to start terraforming!

[all cheering]

[barks] ALL: Ow!

‐ What happened to you? ‐ The cool kids threw me in a tree,

so I'm going to kill them with my satellite.

[laser powers on]

‐ I thought you used that thing to look for ladies sun‐tanning on their roofs.

‐ Yeah, well, now I'm going to use it to melt bullies.

BOY: Ahem! ‐ Uh, who are you?

‐ I'm Daryl. Here for the sleepover.

‐ Wha‐‐ You are? ‐ Yeah, y'all still doing that?

‐ Nobody else showed up. ‐ Oh good, I hate people anyway.

‐ So do I!

Hey, you wanna see the wall full of adults I've shrunk?

‐ Sure. [machinery clanking, rumbling]

Oh, so it's like an ant farm, huh?

‐ Yeah, I know, it's dumb.

‐ No, no, no, I like it.

Hey, you wanna play games on our phones and talk shit about people?

‐ Yes, a billion times, yes.

‐ That was a crazy day.

‐ Hey, you know what. I‐I'm just glad everything is back to normal.

We all learned a lesson.

Feels good. Feels good in here

and feels good down here.

‐ The lesson I learned today is to start doubling down on being strict

and being even more dedicated to the mission than ever before.

‐ Korvo, no!

‐ Yes! That way I'll never feel like some other alien

is more orthodox than me ever again!

‐ Well, then I'm going to double down on being shallow and trashy

just to cancel you out.

‐ No, don't do that!

‐ I do what I want, son! I'm li'l Terry.

‐ I'm team leader, that's an order!

‐ I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

‐ Fuck you, Terry! ‐ I can't hear you.

[gunshot] [all gasp]

‐ Oh Jesus, was that the Pupa's gun?

‐ No... no, no, no, no, no, no!

‐ Holy shit.

The Pupa killed a Robocop!

‐ Oh, I am so proud of you!

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

[imitating laser fire]