All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S01E13.720p.5.1Ch.BluRay.ReEnc-DeeJayAhmed

Ooh, more details
about the new Star Trek film.

There's going to be a scene
depicting Spock's birth.

I'd be more interested in a scene
depicting Spock's conception.

Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating,
or, if you will, Pon farr...

- ...it's an extremely private matter.
- I'd like to know the details.

His mother was human. His father
was Vulcan. They couldn't conceive.

Maybe they had to go to a clinic.
Can you imagine Spock's dad...

...with a copy of
Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears?

How come on Star Trek
everybody's private parts are the same?

No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk,
"Hey, get your thing out of my nose."

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hi. Can you help me?

I was writing an e-mail
and the A key got stuck.

Now it's just going, "Aaaah."

- What'd you spill on it?
- Nothing.

Diet Coke.

And yogurt.

And a little nail polish.

I'll take a look at it.

Gentlemen, switching
to local nerd news...

...Fishman, Chen, Chaudury and McNair
aren't fielding a team...

...in the Physics Bowl this year.

- You're kidding. Why not?
- They formed a barbershop quartet...

...and got a gig playing
Knott's Berry Farm.

Wow. So in your world,
you're like the cool guys.

Recognize.

This is our year. With those guys out...

...the entire Physics Bowl
will kneel before Zod.

- Zod?
- Kryptonian villain. Long story.

Good story.

- Count me out.
- What? Why?

You want me to use my intelligence
in a tawdry competition?

Would you ask Picasso
to play Pictionary?

Would you ask Noah Webster
to play Boggle?

Would you ask Jacques Cousteau
to play Go Fish?

Come on, you need a four-person team.
We're four people.

By that reasoning we should also
play bridge, hold up a huppah...

...and enter the Olympic bobsled
competition.

Tickets to that, please.

Sheldon, what? Do I need to quote
Spock's dying words to you?

No, don't.

"The needs of the many..."

"Outweigh the needs of the few..."

"Or the one."

Damn it, I'll do it.

Okay, first order
of Physics Bowl business.

We need a truly kick-ass team name.
Suggestions?

How about the Perpetual Motion Squad?

It's beyond the laws of physics,
plus a little heads up for the ladies.

- The ladies?
- Perpetual Motion Squad...

...we can go all night.

- I like it.
- I don't.

Teams are traditionally named after
fierce creatures...

...thus intimidating one's opponent.

We could be the Bengal Tigers.

Poor choice. Gram for gram...

...no animal exceeds the relative
fighting strength of the army ant.

Maybe so, but you can't incinerate
a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.

Let's put it to a vote.

- All those in favor...
- Point of order.

I move that any vote on team names
be unanimous.

No man should be forced to emblazon
his chest with a Bengal tiger...

...when common sense dictates
it should be an army ant.

Will the gentleman from the great
state of denial yield for a question?

- I will yield.
- After we go through the exercise...

...of an annoying series of votes,
which the gentleman will lose...

...does he intend to quit
if he does not get his way?

- He does.
- We are the Army Ants. All those in favor?

Good afternoon and welcome
to today's Physics Bowl practice round.

I'm Penny,
and I'll be your host because...

...I didn't have anything else
to do on a Saturday afternoon...

...and isn't that just a little sad?

- Gentlemen, are you ready?
LEONARD: Yes.

HOWARD: Fire away.
- It's none of my business...

...but is a guy who can't speak
in front of women gonna hold you back?

Oh, he'll be okay once the women
are mixed into the crowd.

He only has a problem
when they're one-on-one and smell nice.

Oh, thanks, Raj. It's vanilla oil.

I was actually the one who noticed.
Okay, let's just start.

Okay, the first question
is on the topic of optics.

"What is the shortest light pulse
ever produced?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- Dr. Cooper.
- Of course, the answer is 130 attoseconds.

- That is correct.
- I knew that too.

Good for you, sweetie.
Okay, next question.

"What is the quantum-mechanical effect
used to encode data on hard-disk drives?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- Howard?
- The answer is giant magnetoresistance.

- Right.
- Hey, I buzzed in.

And I answered. It's called teamwork.

Don't you think I should answer
engineering questions? I am an engineer.

By that logic, I should answer anthropology
questions because I'm a mammal.

Just ask another one.

Okay.

"What artificial satellite has seen glimpses
of Einstein's predicted 'frame dragging'?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

And, of course, it's Gravity Probe B.

Sheldon, you have to let
somebody else answer.

- Why?
- Because it's polite.

What do manners have to do with it?
This is war.

Were the Romans polite
when they salted Carthage...

...to make sure
nothing would ever grow again?

Leonard, you said
I only had to ask questions.

The objective is to give correct answers.

If I know them,
why shouldn't I give them?

Some of us might have
the correct answers too.

- Please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
- All right, that's it.

- Howard, sit down.
- Okay.

- We should take a little break.
- Good idea. I need my wrist brace.

All this button pushing is aggravating
my old Nintendo injury.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

I agree.

What did he say?

He compared Sheldon to a disposable
feminine cleansing product...

...one might use on a summer's eve.

Yeah, and the bag it came in.

Leonard, excellent.
I wanna show you something.

Can it wait? I need to talk to you.

Just look. I've designed
the perfect uniforms for our team.

The colors are based
on Star Trek: The Original Series.

The three of you will wear support red
and I will wear command gold.

Why do they say "AA"?

Army Ants.

Isn't that confusing? AA might mean
something else to certain people.

Why would a Physics Bowl team
be called Anodized Aluminum?

No, I meant...

Never mind.

Hey, check it out.

I got you a Batman cookie jar.

Oh, neat. What's the occasion?

Well, you're a friend
and you like Batman and cookies...

...and you're off the team.

SHELDON:
What?

Howard, Raj and I
just had a team meeting.

- You didn't.
- We did. I just came from there.

I don't know where you just came from.
It couldn't have been a team meeting.

I'm on the team and I wasn't there.
Ergo, the team did not meet.

Okay, let me try it this way.

I was at a coffee klatch
with a couple of friends...

...and one thing led to another
and, it turns out, you're off the team.

- Why?
- Because you're taking all the fun out of it.

I'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics Bowl
the team that has the most fun?

Okay. Let me try it this way.

You're annoying and no one wants
to play with you anymore.

I see.

Well, at this point I should inform you
that I intend to form my own team...

...and destroy the molecular bonds
that bind your very matter together...

...and reduce the resulting
particulate chaos to tears.

Thanks for the heads up.

You're welcome.

- One more thing.
- Yes?

It's on, bitch.

- So who did he get to be on his team?
- He won't say.

He just smiles
and eats macaroons out of his Bat-Jar.

He's using psychological warfare.
We must reply in kind.

I say we wait until he looks at us,
then laugh like:

"Yes, you are a smart
and strong competitor.

But we are also smart and strong...

...and we have a reasonable chance
of defeating you."

How exactly would that laugh go?

Hee-hee-hee!

That sounds more like:

"We are a tall, thin woman who wants
to make a coat out of your dalmatians."

Guys, let's remember that Sheldon
is still our friend and my roommate.

So?

So nothing. Let's destroy him.

SHELDON:
Gentlemen.

RAJESH:
Hee-hee-hee!

Okay, we're gonna need a strong fourth
for our team.

You know who is apparently very smart
is the girl who played TV's Blossom.

She got a Ph.D. in neuroscience
or something.

Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom
to join our Physics Bowl team.

How about the girl from
The Wonder Years?

Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution
to all our problems.

We can't ask Leslie Winkle.

Why? Because you slept together...

...and when she was done with you,
she discarded you like last night's chutney?

Yes.

- You gotta take one for the team.
- Yeah. Sack up, dude.

Fine.

Here I go, taking one for the team...

...in the sack.

- Hey, Leslie.
- Hi, guys.

Ahem. So, Leslie,
I have a question for you...

...and it might be a little awkward,
you know, given that I...

Hit that thing.

There's no reason to feel uncomfortable
because we've seen each other's faces...

...and naked bodies contorted
in the sweet agony of coitus.

There's not? Gee, because it sure sounds
like there should be.

Any aspects of our sexual relationship,
regarding your preferences...

...your idiosyncrasies, your performance,
are protected by the inherent...

- ...confidentiality of the bedroom.
- That's all very comforting...

...but I'd like to get on my question now.

- Proceed.
- We are entering the Physics Bowl...

- ...and we need a fourth.
- No, thanks.

I'm really busy with my like-sign dilepton
supersymmetry search.

Dilepton shmylepton, we need you.

Sorry.

Well, we tried.

We'll just have to face Sheldon
mano y mano y mano a mano.

Wait, you're going up against
Sheldon Cooper?

- Yes.
- That arrogant, misogynistic...

...doorknob that told me I should abandon
my work with high-energy particles...

...for laundry and childbearing?

She's in.

PENNY:
So how do you feel?

Nice and loose? Come to play?
Got your game face on?

- Are you ready?
ALL: Oh.

Yeah. You don't have to stay
for the whole thing.

Oh, no, no, I want to.
Sounds really interesting.

Okay.

- Gentlemen.
- Sheldon.

- Sheldon.
- Hee-hee-hee.

Sheldon.

I'm just gonna sit down.

So is that your team?

Actually, I don't need a team.

I could easily defeat you single-handedly,
but the rules require four.

So may I introduce the third-floor janitor,
the lady from the lunch room and...

My Spanish is not good.
...either her son or her butcher.

And what about your team?

What rat have you recruited
to the S.S. Sinking Ship?

LESLIE:
Hello, Sheldon.

Leslie Winkle.

Yeah, Leslie Winkle.
The answer to the question:

"Who made Sheldon Cooper cry
like a little girl?"

Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap,
and you're an inorganic adhesive.

So whatever verbal projectile you launch
in my direction is reflected off of me...

...returns on its original trajectory,
and adheres to you.

Oh, ouch.

Okay, if everyone could please
take your seats?

Here's your T-shirt.

PMS?

It's a couple days early.

No.

It stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.

Oh, right, of course.
What was I thinking?

Good afternoon, everyone,
and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl.

Today's preliminary match
features two great teams:

AA versus PMS.

All night long, y'all.

Okay, well, let's jump right in.
First question.

For 10 points. "What is the isospin
singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- PMS?
- The eta meson.

Correct.

- Formal protest.
- On what grounds?

The Velcro on my wrist brace
caught on my shirt.

Denied. All right, for 10 points.

"What is the lightest element on Earth
with no stable isotope?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- AA?
- And, of course, the answer is technetium.

Terrific.

Next question. "What is the force
between two uncharged plates...

...due to quantum vacuum fluctuation?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- PMS?
- And Sheldon can suck on...

- ...the Casimir effect.
GABLEHAUSER: Correct.

"How does a quantum computer
factor large numbers?"

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- PMS?
- Shor's algorithm.

GABLEHAUSER:
Correct.

Four-point-one-eight-five-five times 10
to the seventh ergs per calorie.

Prévost's theory of exchanges.

Lambda equals one over pi-R-squared N.

Seven hundred and sixty degrees Celsius.

The approximate temperature
of the young lady in the front row.

Mr. Wolowitz,
this is your second warning.

A sigma particle.

Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet
has a mass greater than the Earth.

GABLEHAUSER:
Correct.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I hold in my hand the final question.

The score now stands,
AA, 1150, PMS, 1175.

So for 100 points and the match...

...please turn your attention
to the formula on the screens.

Solve the equation.

Holy crap.

What the hell is that?

It looks like something they found
on the ship at Roswell.

- Come on, think. Leslie?
- It's not gonna work if you rush me.

- You have to let me get there.
- You are never gonna let that go, are you?

Ten seconds.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

PMS?

Sorry, I panicked.

Then guess.

Um...

Eight.

Point four.

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

AA, if you can answer correctly,
the match is yours.

He doesn't have it. He's got squat.

AA, I need your answer.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

The answer is minus eight pi alpha.

Hang on a second.
That's not our answer.

- What are you doing?
- Answering question.

Winning Physics Bowl.

How do you know anything
about physics?

Here, I am janitor.
In former Soviet Union, I am physicist.

Leningrad Politechnika.

Go, Polar Bears.

That's a delightful little story.

Our arrangement was
you sit and not say anything.

- I answer the questions.
- You didn't answer question.

Hey, look. Now, maybe you have democracy
now in your beloved Russia...

...but on this Physics Bowl team,
I rule with an iron fist.

Ow!

AA, I need your official answer.

- It's not what he said.
- Then what is it?

- I want a different question.
- You can't.

- Formal protest.
- Denied.

Informal protest.

Denied.

- I need your official answer.
- No, I decline to provide one.

That's too bad because the answer
your teammate gave was correct.

That's your opinion.

- All right, the winner of the match is...
- Hang on.

Sheldon, is proving you are single-handedly
smarter than everyone else so important...

...that you would rather lose by yourself
than win as part of a team?

I didn't understand the question.

- Go ahead.
- The winner is PMS.

Sorry, somebody's sitting there.

- Who?
- My Physics Bowl trophy.

That trophy is meaningless.
I forfeited, therefore you did not win.

- I know someone who would disagree.
- Who?

My Physics Bowl trophy.

"Leonard is so smart.

- Sheldon who?"
- All right, that is just very immature.

You're right. I'm sorry.

"I'm not!"

- Okay, new contest.
LEONARD: What are you doing?

I am settling, once and for all,
who is the smartest around here.

- Okay? Are you ready?
- Absolutely.

- Bring it on.
PENNY: Okay.

"Marsha, Jan and Cindy were
the three daughters in what TV family?"

The Brady Bunch.

Okay.

"Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth
as the lead singer in what group?"

The Brady Bunch?

Van Halen.

All right. "Madonna was married
to this Ridgemont High alum."

Oh, my God. Sean Penn.

How do you know these things?

I go outside and I talk to people.

Okay, here.
"What actor holds the record...

...for being named People magazine's
Sexiest Man Alive?"

- William Shatner.
- Wait.

I don't think it's Shatner.

Then it's gotta be Patrick Stewart.

- No.
- Formal protest.

All right. "Singer who sang
'Oops!... I Did It Again'?"

Okay.

"Tweety bird thought he saw a what?"

Romulan.

Yes. He thought he saw a Romulan.

[PENNY SIGHS]

[English - US - SDH]