Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THEIR SMALL-TOWN EXISTENCE

IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: [ Distorted ] MOVE

THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: [ Distorted ] AND GIVE

THEM THEIR OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DO, DA-DA, DO

* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO, DO,

DO-DA, DA-DO-DO-DO *

* DO-DA, DA-DO

* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO, DO,

DO-DA, DA-DO-DO-DO *

* DA-DO, DA-DO

* DO-DA, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO-DO

* DA-DO, DO-DA, DO, DO,

DO-DA, DO *

* DO, DO, DO, DO

* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO

* DO-DA, DO-DA, DO

* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO

>> All: DELOCATED!

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ] I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF

ENTHUSIASM WOULD BE NICE.

THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING.

JUST A LITTLE BIT.

>> Susan: I'M SORRY.

>> David: I CAN'T GET EXCITED

ABOUT THIS, DAD.

>> Jon: WELL, HOW ABOUT, THEN,

IF YOU JUST SIT UP?

>> Mike: OKAY, GUYS.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

BASICALLY, TO PRESERVE YOUR

ANONYMITY, YOU'LL BE WEARING THE

SKI MASKS WHENEVER YOU'RE

ON-CAMERA, WHICH WILL BE JUST

ABOUT ALL THE TIME.

AND THE SURGERY YOU ALL HAD TO

PUT MICRO-TITANIUM VOICE

HARMONIZERS RIGHT ON YOUR VOCAL

CORDS WAS TO PERMANENTLY

DISGUISE YOUR VOICES.

>> Jon: I THINK IT MAKES US

SOUND PRETTY COOL.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Susan: LISTEN, I WANT TO GO

ON RECORD BY SAYING I HATE MY

SECURITY NAME.

"SUSAN"?

WHY DIDN'T I GET TO PICK IT?

>> Mike: JUST A GOVERNMENT

REGULATION.

>> Susan: WELL, I WOULD HAVE

PREFERRED TO HAVE BEEN CALLED

"JODIE" OR "DIANE."

>> Jon: OH, "JODIE" OR "DIANE"

IS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN

"SUSAN."

YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> Susan: I THINK SO.

>> David: WHAT ABOUT YOU, MIKE?

ARE YOU STAYING HERE?

>> Mike: NO, NO.

NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.

I'M COMING WITH YOU GUYS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, ALL THAT REMAINS TO BE DONE

NOW IS FOR YOU GUYS TO GET TO

NEW YORK AND START YOUR NEW

LIVES.

EVERYONE EXCITED?

>> Jon: YEAH!

LET'S DO THIS, GUYS, HUH?

LET'S GET FIRED UP!

[ IMITATES CHAIN SAW ]

FIRE UP THE FIRE-UP CHAIN SAW!

* NEW YORK CITY!

* BRR, NA, NO-NA, NA-NO

* WE'RE GOING DOWN TO

NEW YORK CITY *

* NEO-R-R-R

OWWW!

SO, SUSAN AND DAVID AREN'T CRAZY

ABOUT DOING THE SHOW.

SUSAN THINKS WE'RE PUTTING

OURSELVES IN DANGER.

SHE'S GOT DAVID IN A PANIC THAT

HE'S GONNA BE KILLED.

WHAT'S THE WORST THAT'S GONNA

HAPPEN?

I BECOME SUPER-FAMOUS AND WE GET

DIVORCED 'CAUSE OF HOW LAID I'M

GETTING?

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT ANYWAY, I THINK ONCE WE GET

TO NEW YORK, THEY'RE GONNA COME

AROUND.

WE'RE IN THIS UNBELIEVABLE LOFT

THAT WE'RE GETTING SET UP IN.

IT IS SICK. IT IS INSANE.

>> Mike: BIRDS IN THE NEST.

>> Jon: WOW.

>> HI, FOLKS.

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME.

MY NAME IS JAY. I'M THE DOORMAN.

>> Jon: HEY, JAY. I'M JON.

THIS IS MY WIFE, SUSAN, AND MY

SON, DAVID.

>> PLEASURE TO MEET YOU FOLKS.

SORRY ABOUT ALL THE

CONSTRUCTION.

SHOULD BE DONE IN A COUPLE

WEEKS.

BUT YOU'RE ALL SET UP IN 1-H.

>> David: IS THAT A FAKE

MUSTACHE?

>> Jon: DAVID!

I'M SORRY, JAY.

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET

INSIDE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!

THIS PLACE IS AMAZING!

* I WANT TO BE A PART OF

NEW YORK CITY *

WHAT THE [BLEEP]

>> Susan: WOW. WHAT A BOX.

>> David: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT

WAS A LOFT.

>> Jon: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A

LOFT.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

YEAH, HI. IT'S JON.

YEAH, HEY, WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS

GOING ON?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT DO I

MEAN?

I'M IN THE APARTMENT.

THAT'S MY POINT.

IT'S NOT A LOFT. IT'S A STUDIO.

BULL [BLEEP]

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT

AT ALL, AND THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU

SHOWED ME IN THE BROCHURE.

WHY ELSE WOULD I PUT MY FAMILY

ON-CAMERA AND RISK THEM BEING

MURDERED IF I WASN'T IN A SWEET

LOFT?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT WORTH IT.

THREE DAYS AND WE'RE IN THERE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HERE'S THE

DEAL.

>> Susan: "RISK MY FAMILY BEING

MURDERED"?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

>> Jon: SUSAN.

>> Susan: I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET

YOU TALK ME INTO THIS.

>> Jon: SUSAN, RELAX.

I JUST SAID ALL THAT STUFF TO

GET US IN THE LOFT.

>> Susan: I'M TAKING DAVID TO A

HOTEL.

I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT.

>> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

SUSAN, WAIT A SECOND.

>> Susan: WORK IT OUT ON YOUR

OWN.

>> Jon: SUSAN!

>> Mike: MOTHER AND SON COMING

OUT.

MEET THEM IN FRONT.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

I THINK MY WIFE JUST LEFT ME.

AND SHE TOOK MY SON BECAUSE THE

SHOW SCREWED UP AND WE'RE NOT IN

A LOFT.

AND I...SAID THAT THEY WOULD BE

MURDERED.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

[BLEEP]

I NEED A MINUTE HERE, MIKE.

I GOT TO FIGURE -- I JUST --

GIVE ME A SECOND, PLEASE.

>> Mike: ACTUALLY, WE GOT TO GET

YOU TO YOUR NEW JOB.

>> Jon: SO, AS PART OF THE

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM, THE

GOVERNMENT PLACES YOU IN A NEW

OCCUPATION.

THEY'VE GOT ME A JOB AT A SMALL

COPY SHOP.

I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO TALK

ABOUT WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING

PREVIOUSLY, BUT, UH...

LET'S JUST SAY IT RHYMES WITH

"ARCHITECT."

>> YOU'LL BE WORKING THE FLOOR,

HELPING PEOPLE MAKING COPIES AND

THINGS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR PRODUCERS

CALLED ME AND ASKED HOW I FELT

ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE FROM THE

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

WORKING HERE, I WAS SURE IT WAS

CRAIG FROM CORPORATE PLAYING A

JOKE ON ME.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

[BLEEP] CRAIG!

THAT DICK.

I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU, RICK.

LET'S GET ON THE FLOOR.

HI. WELCOME TO COPY TOWN.

YOU GUYS FINDING EVERYTHING

OKAY?

>> UH-HUH.

>> Jon: BYE-BYE.

>> BYE.

>> Jon: WELL, I'M IN THE

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

THIS IS A REALITY SHOW ABOUT MY

LIFE.

I JUST PUT IT IN LIKE YOU SHOWED

ME HOW TO DO IT.

I DON'T SEE WHAT I DID WRONG.

WHERE'S THE [BLEEP] LASER PAPER?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT

[BLEEP] IS.

[BLEEP]

UH, CAN I TAKE MY BREAK?

>> 15 MINUTES.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ] I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WISH SUSAN WOULD HAVE

SEEN THAT LOFT.

I KNOW SHE WOULD HAVE STAYED.

>> Mike: IT'S NONE OF MY

BUSINESS, BUT...

MAYBE YOU SHOULD START DATING

AGAIN.

[ TEAPOT WHISTLES ]

>> Jon: I GOT TO SAY, IT TOOK

BALLS THE SIZE OF MY BALLS TO

SUGGEST I START DATING RIGHT

AWAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT CAN I

SAY?

MIKE WAS RIGHT.

I MEAN, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO

DO -- JUST SIT AROUND ALL DAY

FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF?

SO, I CALLED THE PRODUCERS OF

THE SHOW AND I HAD THEM SET ME

UP ON SOME DATES.

THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS, HUH?

>> I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO

CATS.

>> Jon: I HOPE YOU'RE NOT

ALLERGIC TO LOVE.

"A BOTTLE OF RED OR A BOTTLE OF

WHITE -- WHATEVER GETS ME LAID

TONIGHT."

BILLY JOEL.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> Jon: I'M ALSO IN THE

SEXUAL-INTERCOURSE-PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

HUH? NOT BAD, RIGHT?

KIND OF COMPLEMENTS THE MASK A

LITTLE BIT.

YEAH, NOTHING LIKE A SHOPPING

SPREE TO CELEBRATE GETTING BACK

ON THE OLD HORSE.

>> Mike: YOU LOOK GOOD.

>> Jon: YEAH, THIS IS JUST THE

TYPE OF SWEATER SUSAN WOULD

HATE.

I'M GONNA TRY A DIFFERENT SIZE,

THOUGH.

THIS FEELS A LITTLE BIG.

>> Mike: YEAH, MAYBE TRY A

MEDIUM.

>> Jon: EXCUSE ME, UH...

I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE PAUL RUDD, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I'M A BIG FAN.

>> OH.

OH, THANKS. THANK YOU.

>> Jon: YEAH.

REALLY GREAT STUFF.

I LOVE "THE LOCUSTS."

THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE

MOVIES.

>> WOW. [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, YOU AND 10 OTHER --

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> Jon: HOLY...

[BLEEP]

>> Mike: MAN DOWN.

>> Jon: PAUL?

>> Mike: SUSPECT ON FOOT.

IN PURSUIT.

>> Jon: PAUL?

OH, MY GOD!

PAUL?

OH, GOD.

PAUL RUDD IS DEAD?

[ Sobbing ] HE WAS IN

"ANCHORMAN"...

AND "THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN."

HE WAS IN "THE SHAPE OF THINGS."

HE WAS IN "CLUELESS" AND

"ROMEO + JULIET."

HE DID A THING IN

"RENO 911!: MIAMI."

"THE CIDER HOUSE RULES."

"P.S."

"THE OH IN OHIO."

"KNOCKED UP."

HE HAD A SERIES OF BROADWAY

CREDITS.

"THE LAST KNIGHT OF BALLYHOO."

"THREE DAYS OF RAIN" WITH

JULIA ROBERTS.

"TWELFTH NIGHT" AT

LINCOLN CENTER.

[BLEEP]

[BLEEP]

>> Mike: HE WAS IN

"HOUSE HUNTING."

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> Mike: "HOUSE HUNTING."

>> Jon: [ Sobbing ] HE WAS IN

"HOUSE HUNTING."

[ WAILING ]

[ FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS ]

I DON'T KNOW, MIKE.

I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING

APART.

YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME.

SHE TOOK MY SON.

I'M WORKING IN A COPY SHOP.

PAUL RUDD WAS KILLED RIGHT

BEFORE MY EYES.

NOW I GOT TO TRY TO SLEEP ALONE

IN A STRANGE APARTMENT.

IT'S NOT EVEN A SWEET LOFT.

>> Mike: WELL, TO PARAPHRASE

SOMETHING SOMEBODY FAMOUS ONCE

SAID, "SOONER OR LATER, YOU

SLEEP IN YOUR OWN SPACE.

EITHER WAY, IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE GETTING LAID."

BILLY JOEL.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

>> * NEW YORK CITY

* WE'RE GOING DOWN TO

NEW YORK CITY *

* FEELIN' THE CITY

* SAVE MY HEART WHILE WE'RE ON

THE HIGHWAY *

* HEY

* NEW YORK CITY'S A STATE OF

MIND *

* WELL, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD THE

NEWS? *

* I'M GONNA GO BEFORE IT LEAVES

ME BEHIND *

>> * YEAH

>> * I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF THE

BLUES *

* NEW YORK CITY

>> * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

>> OWWWWW!