Original subtitles

[EVIL LAUGHTER] [CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

HONEY?

HAVE YOU FINISHED WITH THE BATHROOM YET?

THE POSTMASTER'S GOTTA DELIVER A PACKAGE, AND THE PACKAGE CAN'T

WAIT.

♪ SORRY EXTRAORDINARY BEAUTY TAKES

EXTRAORDINARY TIME.

OH.

HA HA HA HA.

EXTRAORDINARY BEAUTY.

BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU COMING OUT OR WHAT?

HUH?

WHAT'S THAT, DEAR?

AAH!

[SCREAMING] AH, MEN.

THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD US LADIES WORK TO LOOK

BEAUTIFUL.

MOM!

I NEED YOU!

EVERY TIME I TAKE A BITE OF THIS VITAMIN-ENRICHED BREAD, IT KEEPS

GETTING SMALLER!

PRETTY SOON, IT WILL BE GONE.

THEN WHAT'LL I DO?

[CRYING] [CRYING]

AH, KIDS.

THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF EATING.

HA HA HA.

WHAT'S THIS?

[CROWING] CROW'S FEET?

[SCREAMING] [SCREAMING]

AISLE 7.

THANK YOU.

[SCREAMING] NOW YOU SAY GOOD-BYE TO THOSE

NASTY CROW'S FEET WITH NEW SAY GOOD-BYE TO THOSE NASTY CROW'S

FEET FACE FOAM.

SIMPLY SQUIRT...AND WAIT 13 SECONDS.

AND REMOVE.

[GASPING] [CROWING]

THEY'RE STILL THERE!

[KNOCKING] GLADYS!

WHAT?

YOU HEAR ME KNOCKING.

CAN I PLEASE COME IN?

GO AWAY, REAPER.

OH, COME ON!

I ONLY GOT TO GO THE BATHROOM ONCE A YEAR, AND I GOTTA GO

SUPER BAD.

I'M NOT COMING OUT TILL THESE CROW'S FEET ARE OFF MY FACE!

CROW'S FEET?

FINE.

I GUESS I COULD SHAVE A FEW YEARS OFF THE TOP.

GREAT SYSTEMS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

SOMEONE OPEN A WINDOW!

WELL, COME ON OUT, MAN.

A DEAL'S A DEAL.

YOUR CROW'S FEET SHOULD BE GONE.

NOW I GET THE BATHROOM.

IT'S ALL YOURS, REAPER.

WOW!

THAT FOAM WORKED AFTER ALL!

IT JUST NEEDED 22 SECONDS, NOT 13.

WELL, I BETTER GO CHECK ON BILLY AND THAT BREAD.

[HUMMING] WELL, I DON'T KNOW ME OWN

STRENGTH.

AND NOW FOR THAT BATHROOM.

[SCREAMING] UGH!

SORRY, FAT MAN.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE.

I'LL DO IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, MANDY.

EVERY TIME I TAKE A BITE, IT KEEPS GETTING SMALLER!

SEE?

I'VE LOST IT.

YES, BILLY, YOU REALLY HAVE.

GOSH, I WISH A WHITE BREAD FAIRY ELF GNOME WOULD

CONVENIENTLY APPEAR TO HELP ME THROUGH THESE OH SO TROUBLED

TIMES.

♪ OH, BILLY I'VE GOT SOME BREAD FOR YOU ♪

WOW!

THANKS BREAD FAIRY ELF GNOME!

SEE, MANDY, BELIEVE AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE!

THAT'S NOT A BREAD FAIRY, BILLY.

IN FACT, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS.

[GIGGLES] YOU MEAN...

UH-HUH.

BREAD FAIRY ELF GNOME, INDEED!

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FILTHY STRANGER, AND MY MOMMY SAYS TO

NEVER ACCEPT WHITE BREAD FROM FILTHY STRANGERS.

YOUR MOMMY?

BUT BILLY, I AM YOUR...

MOMMY.

MY MOM'S ANCIENT AND GRAPPLING WITH THE ONSET OF

MENOPAUSE.

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

HA HA!

YOU'RE FUN!

A LITTLE ODD, BUT FUN.

I'LL NAME YOU...

CORN...

AFTER THE FRESH BREAD YOU GAVE ME.

CORN?

NOW, BILLY, I DON'T THINK THAT THAT'S AN ACTUAL--

YEAH, SURE.

I WAS GONNA NAME YOUR GINGER OR PUMPKIN, BUT I FEEL YOU'RE MORE

OF A CORN.

WELL, CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER WHO'S

BOSS.

NOW, GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SIT, BILLY.

SITTING.

THERE'S ONLY ONE BOSS AROUND HERE, AND THAT'S ME.

OH, MANDY.

YOU'RE SUCH A LEG PULLER.

HE'S MY BABY.

HEY, BILLY, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES, YO?

YOU TALK?

OF COURSE I TALK, YO.

NOW, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES OR WHAT?

YOU DO TALK!

A MOVIE IT IS.

SORRY, IRWIN.

BILLY HAS HOMEWORK TO DO.

OH, I HATE HOMEWORK, YO.

ME, TOO, MR. BREAD.

SCRATCH THAT, IRWIN.

BILLY WOULD BE GLAD TO JOIN YOU...AND I'M GOING WITH HIM.

[GROWLING] WHERE HE GOES, I GO.

DITTO.

OK, LISTEN UP, DORKS.

THERE ARE TWO MOVIES PLAYING, AND WE WILL SEE THIS ONE.

"EXPLODING PENGUINS III: TOTAL ANNIHILATION?"

WOW, AN ACTION-PACKED DRAMEDY ABOUT HOW PENGUINS

EXPLODE!

SOLID.

WELL, IF BREAD'S ON IT, THEN I AM, TOO.

WHAT SAY YOU, CORN?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

BILLY CAN'T SEE THAT KIND OF MOVIE, WHAT WITH ITS GRATUITOUS

VIOLENCE, SUGGESTIVE ROMANCE, AND FILTHY ROLE MODELS.

WELL I SAY HE CAN SEE IT...

AND HE WILL.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[GROWLING] NO!

HE'LL SEE "SUNSHINE BOY CLIMBS THE TALLEST PEAK."

AN INSTANT CLASSIC.

JUST ADD PEOPLE.

HA HA HA HA HA.

"EXPLODING PENGUINS."

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S SHOWTIME.

HEY, GRIM, YOU ALMOST DONE IN THERE?

NOT YET, HAROLD.

AH, MORTALS.

THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD US REAPERS WORK TO LOOK

BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, THEN, I'LL JUST WAIT HERE AND WHISTLE...A TUNE

TO PASS THE TIME.

[NO SOUND] I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WHISTLE.

INSTEAD, I'LL WATCH THE MIRACLE OF LIFE REVEAL ITSELF THROUGH

THIS TINY, INSIGNIFICANT FLY.

[BUZZING] AND NOW, FROM THE DIRECTORS

WHO BROUGHT YOU "EXPLODING PENGUINS" AND "EXPLODING

PENGUINS 2," THE SEQUEL, WE PROUDLY PRESENT "EXPLODING

PENGUINS III: TOTAL ANNIHILATION."

[BOOM] [LAUGHING]

[BOOM] [LAUGHING]

[EXPLOSIONS, LAUGHTER] BOY, I SURE WISH CORN COULD

BE HERE, YO.

I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, MI COMPADRE.

[EXPLOSIONS, LAUGHTER] HE'S MY BABY!

[EXPLOSIONS, LAUGHTER] COME ON, BILLY.

SUNSHINE BOY IS JUST STARTING UP THE MOUNTAIN.

YOU KNOW HE GETS THERE, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW.

HOW WILL I GET THERE?

UH, CORN, I-- NOT NOW, BILLY.

HE'S ALMOST THERE.

I'M ALMOST THERE.

BUT CORN, I...

SHH.

HE JUST MET AN ALPACA.

I JUST MET AN ALPACA.

[FARTING] THAT'S NICE.

LOOK, BILLY, HE MADE IT TO THE TOP!

I MADE IT TO THE TOP!

BILLY?

[GASPING, GROWLING] [GIGGLING]

I'VE GOT AN IDEA, MANDY.

WHY NOT LET BILLY DECIDE WHO HE WANTS TO BE DOMINATED BY.

ALL RIGHT, BILLY.

WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

IT'S ME...IT'S ME.

[MUMBLING UNDER HER BREATH] [NONSENSE]

I DON'T MAKE ANY LIFE-ALTERING DECISIONS WITHOUT

CONSULTING MR. BREAD FIRST.

I SURE GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM, YO.

SORRY, GUYS.

WHEN BREAD'S GOTS TO GO, HE'S GOTS TO GO.

[LAUGHING] [BUZZING]

[SIZZLING] [COUGHING]

SAY, GRIM LEFT HIS MAGIC STICK THINGY.

HELLO, FRIENDS.

TIRED OF LIVING?

THOSE SUNDAY BRUNCHES GOT YOU DOWN?

WELL, I CAN RELIEVE ALL THAT AILS YOU WITH THIS MAGIC STICK

THINGY.

SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE MISSING LIMBS, HAIR LOSS, AND NOT LIVING

ANYMORE.

[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING]

WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET?

WHY DON'T YOU FIND ANOTHER BATHROOM DOOR TO ANNOY?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH!

SIT TIGHT, LADIES.

I THINK HE'S DROPPING A DEUCE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

NOW THERE'S A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SAY, YOU WAITING FOR THE BATHROOM, TOO?

YEAH.

WOW!

WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!

WANT TO GET MARRIED?

SURE!

SO DO I.

[LAUGHING] OH, GAG.

GET A PLAYPEN.

ALL DONE.

NOW, WHERE WAS WE, AND WHO'S THAT BOZO WITH MY CORN?

CORN?

SO THAT'S YOUR NAME.

WELL, UM...I CAN EXPLAIN THAT.

NO, NO, NO, UH, UH, UH.

I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

COME ON.

LET'S GO NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.

WELL, I GUESS THAT LEAVES YOU AND ME, MANDY.

ACTUALLY, NOW THAT CORN'S OUT OF THE PICTURE, IT JUST LEAVES

YOU, BILLY.

SEE YOU LATER.

WELL, AT LEAST I STILL GOTS MY BREAD.

ACTUALLY, I GOTTA GO TOO, BILLY.

SEE YOU.

NO!

BUT...I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

MOM!

I NEEDS MORE BREAD!

[LAUGHING]

CAPTAIN FAT-HEAD, ARE YOU IN THERE?

I GUESS THAT 8-HOUR SEMINAR ON HOW NOT TO TOUCH ME DIDN'T

QUITE WORK.

BUT I AM LOOKING FOR MY CAPTAIN FAT-HEAD.

YOUR DAD'S IN THE GARAGE.

NO, MANDY.

I'M LOOKING FOR MY ACTION FIGURE CAPTAIN FAT-HEAD.

HE MAKES ME SMILE WHEN WE HUG.

YEAH...YOUR DAD.

NO!

HE'S MY FRIEND THAT I TELL SECRETS TO, AND IF I DON'T FIND

HIM, I'M NOT SURE WHAT I'LL DO ABOUT ALL THIS BOTTLED-UP RAGE!

I JUST CAN'T STAND LOSING HIM, AND MY MAYONNAISE JAR, AND MY

PANTS ALL IN ONE WEEK.

YOU LOST YOUR PANTS?

WELL...JUST THE BACK, BUT IT'S NOT SO BAD.

BREEZY.

I JUST LOST MY ABILITY TO SEE.

I CAN STILL FEEL YOUR BUTT LOOKING AT ME.

HI-YAH!

[GIBBERISH] EYE OF THE TIGER!

HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN ME SCYTHE?

ME LOST IT.

YOU LOST YOUR SCYTHE?

YEAH, ALONG WITH ME SELF-RESPECT.

BUT WHEN I FIND EITHER ONE, THOSE LITTLE KIDS IN KUNG FU

CLASS ARE GONNA SEE WHO THE REAL MASTER OF THE DOJO IS...

ESPECIALLY AMY COOPER.

THERE SEEMS TO BE A PATTERN OF MISSING OBJECTS.

GRIM'S SCYTHE, BILLY'S ACTION FIGURE, PANTS, MAYONNAISE.

THIS PILLOW STUFFING TASTES LIKE I'M CHOKING.

[COUGHING] AND COME TO THINK OF IT, MY

"NANCY DROOL" NOVELS.

I WONDER WHO OR WHAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR MISSING

OBJECTS?

I BETCHA IT'S AMY COOPER.

SHE'S JUST JEALOUS AND ALWAYS MAKING FUN OF ME, BUT TONIGHT IN

KUNG FU CLASS, I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!

YOU'RE IN A CHILD'S KUNG FU CLASS?

SILENCE, NON-BELIEVER!

LET'S FOCUS AND TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LOST

ITEMS.

GATHER 'ROUND, YOU FILTHY BRATS.

IT'S OBVIOUS THAT SOMETHING SUPERNATURAL IS BEHIND OUR

MISSING ITEMS, SO I INVENTED THIS TO HELP US.

IT'S A SUPERNATURAL SPECTER DETECTOR WITH KUNG FU GRIP.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

GLAD YOU ASKED, MANDY-TANDY.

HIS NAME IS HECTOR, THE SPECTER DETECTOR.

HE WORKS LIKE A METAL DETECTOR EXCEPT INSTEAD OF METAL, IT

DETECTS SUPERNATURAL POWERS.

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

NOTHING!

I'M WATCHING YOU, MAN.

BARK, TAKE, BARK, TROUBLE, BARK, BARK.

I ALREADY KNOW THERE'S BARK ON THAT TREE.

BARK, BARK, BARK!

SOME TYPE OF MYSTERY TREE, HUH, BOY?

LITTLE HECTOR FOUND SOMETHING.

WOW!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT!

WHAT IS IT?

UH...A TREE.

HEY, LOOK, I CAN SEE MANDY'S BOOKS, YOUR SCYTHE, AND...

MY CAPTAIN FAT-HEAD!

ME SCYTHE'S IN THERE?

DON'T WORRY, JODI.

I'M A-COMING!

WOW.

NOT ONLY DID I FIND CAPTAIN FAT-HEAD, BUT I FOUND CARMEN

SANDIEGO AND WALDO.

HEY, IT'S SO SMOOTH IN HERE.

IT'S LIKE THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL.

BARK, BARK.

WHAT'S THAT, BOY?

I'M TRAPPED IN A TREE?

GO FOR HELP.

NOT COOL, MAN.

I THINK IT'S A TAKING TREE.

VERY DANGEROUS.

TAKING TREES KEEP TAKING OBJECTS AND WON'T GIVE ANYTHING UP

UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM SOMETHING BETTER IN EXCHANGE.

HELLO.

MY NAME IS ELDRIDGE JOHNSON-MAYER, AND YES, I'M A

TAKING TREE.

YOU'RE A TALKING TAKING TREE?

WHY WOULD A TREE BE NAMED ELDRIDGE JOHNSON-MAYER?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A NOSE?

OOH, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD THAT ONE.

I'LL GO GET THE CHAINSAW.

I ALREADY HAVE THAT, MY DEAR.

[WHIRRING] OOWW!

CRAFTY.

SO, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT IN EXCHANGE FOR OUR FRIEND?

I'VE LIVED IN FRONT OF THIS HOUSE FOR MANY YEARS, BUT I'VE

NEVER FOUND THE ONE OBJECT THAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY.

I STARTED SMALL.

THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHO LIVED HERE.

I TOOK HIS TRAINING WHEELS.

[CRASH] BUT THEY DIDN'T MAKE ME HAPPY.

I TOOK HIS HARVARD ACCEPTANCE LETTER.

I HOPE I GET MY HARVARD ACCEPTANCE LETTER.

BUT NONE OF IT BROUGHT ME JOY.

AND WHAT BRINGS OTHER MEN HAPPINESS?

THEIR CARS, THEIR MONEY, THEIR HAIR?

I TOOK THEM ALL, BUT NOTHING MADE MY LIFE ANY BETTER, SO

FOREVER I AM CONDEMNED TO SEARCH FOR THE ONE ITEM...

[SNORING] UH, HELLO?

HEY!

5 MORE MINUTES.

DID YOU HEAR MY STORY?

I SHOULD'VE JUST TOLD YOU WHAT ITEM I WANT.

IT'S A MICKEY MUNCHLE BASEBALL CARD!

THAT'S IT?

A BASEBALL CARD?

NOT JUST ANY BASEBALL CARD.

IT'S A MICKEY MUNCHLE!

IT'S WORTH 11,756,833 BUCKS, AND HE'S THE ONLY ROOKIE TO HIT 600

HOME RUNS WITHOUT BREAKING A WINDOW.

KUNG FU CLASS AND BASEBALL TRIVIA?

YOU AND AMY COOPER ARE JUST JEALOUS!

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GONNA GET THAT CARD, SINCE IT'S WORTH

11,756,833 BUCKS AND THE REAPER ONLY CARRIES $50 ON HIS PERSON

AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA KEEP YOUR FRIEND.

WELL, IT GUESS THAT'S IT, THEN.

THIS TREE GOT US BY THE BONES.

BILLY'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO STAY IN THERE.

GRIM, WHAT ABOUT YOUR SCYTHE AND MY BOOKS?

DON'T WORRY, BILLY.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THERE.

BRING BACK PRETZELS!

HOWYA DOING, THERE?

'BOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE.

SO...YOU'RE HERE FOR THE WALRUSES, RIGHT?

[GROWLING] UH...NO.

OH.

WE'VE BEEN ALL OVER TOWN LOOKING FOR A MICKEY MUNCHLE

BASEBALL CARD.

BOY, IS THERE EGG ON MY FACE.

YEAH, I HAVE A MICKEY MUNCHLE CARD RIGHT HERE.

WE'LL TAKE IT IN EXCHANGE FOR A TRUCKLOAD OF SUPERNATURAL

WONDERS.

UM...

AND BY TRUCKLOAD OF SUPERNATURAL WONDERS, I MEAN A

BUCKET FULL OF CHEWABLE VITAMINS.

ONCE I GET MY MAGICAL SCYTHE BACK FROM THE TALKING TREE, I

CAN GET YOU A WONDER OR TWO.

I SWEAR.

LOOK, LITTLE LADY.

I CAN'T SELL YOU THE CARD.

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S WORTH $11 MILLION.

IT'S BECAUSE IT'S ALL THAT I HAVE LEFT OF MY BASEBALL CAREER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

HEY, GRIM.

MAYBE I DON'T NEED MY SCYTHE ANYMORE.

WITH YOU, I COULD KNOCK SOULS RIGHT OUT OF THE PARK.

GRIM!

I THINK I KNOW HOW TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEM.

WHO DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

HE LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN WEARING HUMAN SKIN SO THAT HE

CAN FOOL US INTO BUYING COLLECTIBLES AND GAMES THAT WILL

IMPLANT TINY TRACKING CHIPS IN OUR FINGERS.

NO.

HE'S MICKEY MUNCHLE.

OH, I KNOW.

I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

I THOUGHT I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING STUPID SINCE BILLY AIN'T HERE.

MR. MUNCHLE, ALL WE NEED IS A FEW MOMENTS OF YOUR TIME.

WELL, YOU'RE BACK.

DID YOU GET ME THE CARD?

DID YOU ONE BETTER, MAN.

MEET MICKEY MUNCHLE HIMSELF.

AAH!

GOLLY, YOU REALLY ARE A TALKING TREE.

OH...

[GIGGLING] HE'S TALKING TO ME.

OH, I FEEL SO EXCITED, I...

[BURPING] EEWWW!

[COUGHS] EEH!

ME SCYTHE!

DADDY'S GOT YOU, JODI!

SHH.

NOW IT'S TIME TO RECLAIM MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS KING OF THE

RING!

CLOSURE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CLOSURE.

MY PRECIOUS.

PRECIOUS.

NOW YOU'RE HOME.

SO, I HEAR YOU'RE A HUGE FAN.

WELL...

[STUTTERING] [BURPING]

CAPTAIN FAT-HEAD!

I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO AGAIN.

AND THAT'S HOW WE LEARNED OUR LESSON.

WHICH WAS...?

NEVER TRUST BASEBALL PLAYERS.

HEY, IT AIN'T SO BAD IN HERE.

I'LL MAKE SURE YOU FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

THERE'S JUST ONE THING.

YOU DON'T MIND SQUIRRELS, DO YOU?

HA, I LOVE SQUIRRELS.

[GROWLING] [SCREAMING]

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP] [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--]

AAH!

[BUZZING]