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1
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Everything starts somewhere...
2
00:00:11,363 --> 00:00:14,059
...although many physicists disagree.
3
00:00:15,538 --> 00:00:19,609
There is the the constant
desire to find out where.
4
00:00:20,399 --> 00:00:24,058
Where is the point where it all began?
5
00:00:41,772 --> 00:00:45,048
But much, much later than that,
6
00:00:45,484 --> 00:00:48,067
the Discworld was formed...
7
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,753
...drifting onwards through space
8
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atop four elephants
9
00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:04,750
on the shell of a giant turtle,
10
00:01:05,294 --> 00:01:07,840
the great A'Tuin.
11
00:01:29,772 --> 00:01:31,950
It was some time after its creation
12
00:01:32,070 --> 00:01:35,687
when most people forgot that the
very oldest stories of the beginning
13
00:01:35,807 --> 00:01:40,081
are, sooner or later, about blood.
14
00:01:42,933 --> 00:01:44,657
At least, that's one theory.
15
00:01:46,251 --> 00:01:50,802
The philosopher Didactylos has
suggested an alternative hypothesis.
16
00:01:52,591 --> 00:01:55,213
"Things just happen. What the hell?"
17
00:01:58,096 --> 00:02:01,645
And so our story
begins in Ankh-Morpork,
18
00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:07,007
the twin city of proud
Ankh and pestilent Morpork,
19
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:09,621
the biggest city in Discworld,
20
00:02:10,491 --> 00:02:13,857
a city where magic is just another job,
21
00:02:14,197 --> 00:02:19,476
and where the Tower of Art of
the Unseen University for Wizards
22
00:02:20,284 --> 00:02:24,721
looms over all the dark, narrow streets.
23
00:02:26,109 --> 00:02:29,840
Our story begins on a midwinter festival
24
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,999
bearing a remarkable
similarity to your Christmas.
25
00:02:35,441 --> 00:02:41,707
And so.... it was the
night before Hogswatch.
26
00:02:49,576 --> 00:02:53,903
"And then Jack chopped down what
was the world's last beanstalk,
27
00:02:54,023 --> 00:02:56,389
adding murder and ecological terrorism
28
00:02:56,509 --> 00:03:00,648
to the theft, enticement and
trespass charges already mentioned,
29
00:03:00,768 --> 00:03:03,873
and all the giant's children
didn't have a daddy any more."
30
00:03:03,993 --> 00:03:06,427
"But he got away with it
and lived happily ever after
31
00:03:06,547 --> 00:03:09,475
without so much as a guilty
twinge about what he had done.
32
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:13,426
which proves that you can be
excused just about anything
33
00:03:13,546 --> 00:03:17,989
if you are a hero, because no
one asks inconvenient questions."
34
00:03:19,026 --> 00:03:21,818
And now, it's time for bed.
35
00:03:23,248 --> 00:03:25,477
- Susan?
- Yes?
36
00:03:25,597 --> 00:03:29,112
You know last week when we
wrote letters to the Hogfather?
37
00:03:29,232 --> 00:03:32,066
- Yes?
- Well, will he really come?
38
00:03:34,087 --> 00:03:36,002
And when's he coming here?
39
00:03:37,544 --> 00:03:39,702
Does it matter, if you
get the presents anyway?
40
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:40,876
Yes.
41
00:03:42,815 --> 00:03:47,005
Well, if you don't
believe in the Hogfather,
42
00:03:47,125 --> 00:03:50,447
- there won't be any presents.
- Thought so.
43
00:03:55,282 --> 00:03:58,843
But while children
everywhere sleep fitfully
44
00:03:58,963 --> 00:04:04,634
in the belief that a jolly fat man
is about to deliver their presents...
45
00:04:05,928 --> 00:04:11,882
...not necessarily everyone is
entering into the Hogswatch spirit,
46
00:04:12,644 --> 00:04:16,571
especially in a city
where there is a guild
47
00:04:17,147 --> 00:04:19,581
for everything.
48
00:05:48,319 --> 00:05:53,226
The doors are locked.
The windows are barred.
49
00:05:54,827 --> 00:05:57,673
The dog does not
appear to have woken up.
50
00:05:58,716 --> 00:06:01,117
The squeaky floorboards haven't.
51
00:06:03,079 --> 00:06:05,760
I really doubt that you are a ghost,
52
00:06:06,718 --> 00:06:11,075
and gods generally do not
announce themselves so politely.
53
00:06:12,189 --> 00:06:14,775
You could, of course, be Death,
54
00:06:15,526 --> 00:06:18,560
but I don't believe he
bothers with such niceties.
55
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,094
Besides, I'm feeling quite well.
56
00:06:27,809 --> 00:06:28,547
Hmm...
57
00:06:32,761 --> 00:06:33,910
Good evening.
58
00:06:34,479 --> 00:06:37,708
Good evening, Lord Downey.
59
00:06:39,522 --> 00:06:41,985
You appear to be.. a spectre.
60
00:06:42,556 --> 00:06:45,344
Our nature is not a
matter for discussion.
61
00:06:45,464 --> 00:06:47,974
We offer you a commission.
62
00:06:49,602 --> 00:06:51,942
You wish someone inhumed?
63
00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:54,527
Brought to an end.
64
00:06:55,759 --> 00:07:00,098
- Our scale of fees...
- The payment will be $3 million.
65
00:07:01,350 --> 00:07:06,044
- No questions asked, I assume.
- No questions answered.
66
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:11,587
But does the suggested fee
represent the difficulty involved?
67
00:07:11,902 --> 00:07:14,797
The client is heavily guarded?
68
00:07:15,028 --> 00:07:16,700
Not guarded at all,
69
00:07:16,820 --> 00:07:21,987
but almost certainly impossible to
delete with conventional weapons.
70
00:07:24,162 --> 00:07:26,357
We like to know for whom we are working.
71
00:07:26,581 --> 00:07:28,492
We are sure you do.
72
00:07:29,292 --> 00:07:33,604
We need to know your name, or names,
73
00:07:34,384 --> 00:07:37,739
in strict client
confidentiality, of course.
74
00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:42,445
You may think of us as... the Auditors.
75
00:07:43,393 --> 00:07:46,991
Really? What do you audit?
76
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:48,995
Everything.
77
00:07:49,453 --> 00:07:53,873
We maintain the logical
order of the universe.
78
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,611
I think we need to know
a little more than that.
79
00:07:57,731 --> 00:08:00,250
We are the people with $3 million.
80
00:08:00,489 --> 00:08:03,729
We need to know where,
when, and, of course, who.
81
00:08:04,123 --> 00:08:09,089
The location is not on any map and
we need the task to be completed
82
00:08:09,352 --> 00:08:13,019
by sunrise tomorrow. This is essential.
83
00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:15,746
As for the who,
84
00:08:16,091 --> 00:08:20,921
let us call him... the Fat Man.
85
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:24,474
But won't he be out on his rounds?
86
00:08:52,044 --> 00:08:53,919
Ho, ho, ho!
87
00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:02,976
Ho, ho, ho!
88
00:09:04,598 --> 00:09:05,734
Is this a joke?
89
00:09:06,208 --> 00:09:08,899
We have no sense of humour.
90
00:09:09,892 --> 00:09:14,833
There are some that say that
this... person does not exist.
91
00:09:15,175 --> 00:09:16,420
He must exist!
92
00:09:17,795 --> 00:09:21,006
How else could you so
readily recognise his picture?
93
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,403
And many are in correspondence with him.
94
00:09:31,201 --> 00:09:33,078
He would be difficult to find.
95
00:09:33,287 --> 00:09:35,711
You will find persons on any street
96
00:09:35,971 --> 00:09:39,429
who can tell you his
approximate address.
97
00:09:39,968 --> 00:09:44,742
Yes, of course, but as you say,
they can hardly give a map reference.
98
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:50,710
Even then, how would
the... Fat Man be inhumed?
99
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:53,916
A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?
100
00:09:54,036 --> 00:09:57,947
You misunderstand the
nature of employment.
101
00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:00,451
How do I misunderstand you exactly?
102
00:10:00,571 --> 00:10:04,242
We pay, you find the ways and means.
103
00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:08,120
- How can I contact you?
- We will contact you.
104
00:10:08,631 --> 00:10:14,593
We know where you are. We
know... where everyone is.
105
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:37,616
- Winvoe?
- Yes, sir?
106
00:10:39,059 --> 00:10:41,577
Is Mr Teatime still in the building?
107
00:10:44,527 --> 00:10:47,346
Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter!
108
00:10:47,659 --> 00:10:49,646
Up, Tusker. Up, Snouter!
109
00:10:49,766 --> 00:10:50,901
Giddy up!
110
00:10:53,473 --> 00:10:54,992
Wahey!
111
00:11:41,056 --> 00:11:44,277
Go away. I don't do that stuff any more.
112
00:11:56,775 --> 00:11:57,771
Yes, Twyla?
113
00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,260
I'm afraid of the monster
in the cellar, Susan.
114
00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:03,637
- It's going to eat me up.
- What, again?
115
00:12:10,183 --> 00:12:12,865
Ye gods, there's a girl
out here with a poker!
116
00:12:14,623 --> 00:12:15,992
What are you doing?
117
00:12:18,048 --> 00:12:21,094
Twyla said she's afraid of the
monster in the cellar, Mrs Gaiter.
118
00:12:22,137 --> 00:12:24,756
And you're going to
attack it with a poker, eh?
119
00:12:26,105 --> 00:12:26,788
Yes.
120
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:31,070
- Susan's our governess.
- She beats up monsters with a poker?
121
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:35,119
Actually, that's a very clever idea.
My daughter gets it into her head
122
00:12:35,239 --> 00:12:38,012
there's a monster in the
cellar, you go in with a poker
123
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,384
and make bashing noises
while the child listens,
124
00:12:40,504 --> 00:12:44,679
- and everything's alright.
- Is that what you're doing, Susan?
125
00:12:47,087 --> 00:12:48,372
Yes, Mrs Gaiter.
126
00:12:48,864 --> 00:12:50,706
This I've got to watch.
127
00:12:50,966 --> 00:12:54,251
It's not every day you see
monsters beaten up by a girl.
128
00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:56,466
Come on.
129
00:13:03,796 --> 00:13:06,136
Come in, Mr Teatime.
130
00:13:10,715 --> 00:13:13,625
Carter, just put it on the
table over there, will you?
131
00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:20,030
Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I'll go
and fetch another cup directly, sir.
132
00:13:20,345 --> 00:13:23,017
- What?
- For your visitor, sir.
133
00:13:23,137 --> 00:13:24,526
What visitor?
134
00:13:25,245 --> 00:13:27,216
Oh, for when Mr Tea...
135
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,296
Mr Teatime?
136
00:13:41,902 --> 00:13:45,157
It's pronounced...
Teh-ah-tim-eh, sir.
137
00:13:46,343 --> 00:13:48,505
Everyone gets it wrong, sir.
138
00:13:50,024 --> 00:13:51,830
How did you get in here?
139
00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:58,953
Easily. I got mildly... scorched
on the last few feet, of course.
140
00:14:01,644 --> 00:14:03,546
The dog seems to like you.
141
00:14:05,759 --> 00:14:10,071
I get on well with... animals, sir.
142
00:14:15,135 --> 00:14:16,648
I have a report...
143
00:14:18,479 --> 00:14:22,791
...here that says that you nailed
Sir George's dog to the ceiling.
144
00:14:26,063 --> 00:14:29,115
I couldn't have it barking
while I was working, sir.
145
00:14:30,549 --> 00:14:34,237
- Some people would have drugged it.
- Oh.
146
00:14:35,077 --> 00:14:37,581
But I definitely fulfilled the contract.
147
00:14:38,075 --> 00:14:41,719
I checked Sir George's breathing
with a mirror, as instructed.
148
00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:47,883
Apparently his head was several
feet from his body at that point.
149
00:14:48,848 --> 00:14:50,874
That was alright, wasn't it, sir?
150
00:14:53,139 --> 00:14:54,302
It, erm...
151
00:14:56,369 --> 00:14:58,490
...lacked elegance.
152
00:15:00,579 --> 00:15:01,907
I thank you, sir!
153
00:15:02,452 --> 00:15:07,665
I'm always happy to be corrected.
I shall remember that... next time.
154
00:15:10,129 --> 00:15:13,509
It was about the next
time that I wished to talk.
155
00:15:14,356 --> 00:15:16,067
As a matter of interest,
156
00:15:17,029 --> 00:15:21,367
how would you go about
inhuming this gentleman?
157
00:15:42,337 --> 00:15:44,893
You don't have to
worry. She always wins.
158
00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:57,352
Very well done.
159
00:15:57,472 --> 00:16:01,913
Very p-sychological. Clever
idea, that, bending the poker.
160
00:16:02,247 --> 00:16:05,080
I expect you're not afraid
any more, eh, my girl?
161
00:16:06,026 --> 00:16:06,560
No.
162
00:16:06,961 --> 00:16:09,082
No. Very p-sychological.
163
00:16:10,021 --> 00:16:13,607
Susan says, "Don't
get afraid. Get angry."
164
00:16:14,337 --> 00:16:17,246
Oh, well, er, thank you, Susan.
165
00:16:17,366 --> 00:16:20,273
And now, if you'd all like to
come back into the parlour...
166
00:16:20,393 --> 00:16:22,541
I mean, the drawing room...
167
00:16:25,726 --> 00:16:28,883
Dashed convincing, the way
she bent the poker like that!
168
00:16:36,154 --> 00:16:38,907
- Have they all gone, Twyla?
- Yes, Susan.
169
00:16:40,621 --> 00:16:41,270
Good.
170
00:17:03,973 --> 00:17:05,804
Mind the tail!
171
00:17:12,648 --> 00:17:14,684
That's what we do to monsters.
172
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,572
Now it's back to bed for you, my girl.
173
00:17:24,598 --> 00:17:25,857
Difficult, sir.
174
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:28,008
Certainly.
175
00:17:28,872 --> 00:17:32,785
But I have devoted
some... time to it, sir.
176
00:17:35,041 --> 00:17:36,809
You mean you've actually
sat down and thought out
177
00:17:36,929 --> 00:17:39,758
how to inhume the Hogfather?
178
00:17:39,966 --> 00:17:43,359
Why, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.
179
00:17:46,558 --> 00:17:48,091
And Death, sir.
180
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,800
They're imaginary creatures.
181
00:17:54,744 --> 00:17:56,633
Makes it a challenge.
182
00:17:58,685 --> 00:18:03,803
I suppose I just see things
differently from other people.
183
00:18:06,909 --> 00:18:11,045
We may be able to see the complaint
of Sir George's estate against you
184
00:18:11,165 --> 00:18:14,654
with regard to his
dog rather differently,
185
00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:20,386
and approve your graduation to
full membership of the Guild.
186
00:18:22,424 --> 00:18:24,056
Take the dark, sir?
187
00:18:28,047 --> 00:18:29,387
Wear black, sir?
188
00:18:30,617 --> 00:18:35,449
If you agree to
undertake... this contract.
189
00:18:38,731 --> 00:18:41,086
With due elegance, of course.
190
00:18:41,826 --> 00:18:44,593
With elegance guaranteed, sir.
191
00:18:48,884 --> 00:18:50,963
Er, Mr
Teh-ah-tim-eh?
192
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,629
You have... actually
applied yourself to a study
193
00:18:56,749 --> 00:18:58,979
of ways of killing Death?
194
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:02,000
Only as a hobby, sir.
195
00:19:04,196 --> 00:19:08,784
But then some people might say
that he is technically immortal.
196
00:19:09,977 --> 00:19:12,536
Everyone has their weak points, sir.
197
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,780
It's gone six. He's not coming.
198
00:19:49,717 --> 00:19:51,712
- Let's go.
- Sit down, will you?
199
00:19:52,607 --> 00:19:55,549
Assassins are always fashionably late,
200
00:19:56,277 --> 00:19:58,593
because of style, right?
201
00:19:58,713 --> 00:20:02,639
What's this? You never said
anything about him being an assassin.
202
00:20:02,938 --> 00:20:09,286
It's Teatime. He's paying top
rate. We can wait for top rate.
203
00:20:09,995 --> 00:20:10,980
Teatime?
204
00:20:11,739 --> 00:20:15,378
I've heard he's... mental.
205
00:20:15,498 --> 00:20:17,572
And he's got a funny eye.
206
00:20:17,994 --> 00:20:23,671
What I don't understand is... how
long has this place had waiters?
207
00:20:26,856 --> 00:20:28,115
Good evening.
208
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:37,494
Do have another drink
209
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:41,491
while we wait for the other
members of our little... troop.
210
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,942
Susan, there's a monster
under my bed again.
211
00:21:21,115 --> 00:21:23,334
Oh! Ow!
212
00:21:23,558 --> 00:21:24,752
Ow!
213
00:21:25,423 --> 00:21:26,614
That's a wizard.
214
00:21:28,646 --> 00:21:31,399
No, I'm not. I'm incognito.
215
00:21:32,439 --> 00:21:34,079
Yeah, right.
216
00:21:35,277 --> 00:21:37,745
You're just someone in a pointy hat.
217
00:21:39,949 --> 00:21:44,386
Mr Sideney here is indeed
a wizard. A student, anyway.
218
00:21:45,126 --> 00:21:47,615
This is my brother Banjo.
This is Chickenwire.
219
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:49,423
I didn't want to come!
220
00:21:50,470 --> 00:21:52,906
Mr Sideney's down on
his luck at the moment.
221
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:56,290
Hence his willingness to
join our little venture.
222
00:21:58,550 --> 00:21:59,869
So what's the job?
223
00:22:00,994 --> 00:22:04,278
We don't do jobs. We perform services.
224
00:22:04,675 --> 00:22:08,704
And the service will
earn each of you $10,000.
225
00:22:11,597 --> 00:22:14,829
No one said anything about
there being magic in all of this.
226
00:22:14,949 --> 00:22:15,893
Well, I...
227
00:22:16,367 --> 00:22:17,123
Do the voice on it!
228
00:22:17,243 --> 00:22:19,241
- Do the voice on it!
- No!
229
00:22:19,391 --> 00:22:22,805
- Not the voice!
- Hit it on the head with a poker.
230
00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:25,915
- Not the poker!
- This is the friendly warning.
231
00:22:26,237 --> 00:22:28,383
Understand? Because it's Hogswatch.
232
00:22:28,755 --> 00:22:31,813
What are you, a witch or something?
233
00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:34,840
I'm just... something.
234
00:22:35,503 --> 00:22:37,611
Now, you won't be around
here again, will you?
235
00:22:37,843 --> 00:22:39,946
Or we'll put your
head under the blanket.
236
00:22:40,783 --> 00:22:42,529
It's got fluffy bunnies on it.
237
00:22:42,649 --> 00:22:45,227
Fluffy bunnies... No!
238
00:22:45,427 --> 00:22:49,145
Go away and stop bothering me.
239
00:22:52,351 --> 00:22:54,651
That wasn't as much fun
as the one last month,
240
00:22:54,771 --> 00:22:57,160
You know, the one when you
kicked him in the trousers.
241
00:22:57,399 --> 00:22:59,010
Just go to sleep now.
242
00:23:02,718 --> 00:23:05,411
- Locks.
- We have a locksmith.
243
00:23:05,531 --> 00:23:07,840
- Who?
- Mr Brown.
244
00:23:11,298 --> 00:23:13,607
And you can help me carry this.
245
00:23:14,612 --> 00:23:15,980
It's rather heavy.
246
00:23:22,227 --> 00:23:23,445
What is this?
247
00:23:24,901 --> 00:23:28,418
This is my brother Banjo.
248
00:23:30,698 --> 00:23:32,586
Does it do tricks?
249
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:35,953
No.
250
00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:41,332
He can lift two men up in
each hand, by their necks.
251
00:23:41,945 --> 00:23:42,917
Yeah.
252
00:23:47,242 --> 00:23:49,226
He looks like a volcano.
253
00:23:50,658 --> 00:23:51,553
Really?
254
00:23:54,605 --> 00:23:56,685
Wanna be fashionably late, do you?
255
00:23:57,665 --> 00:24:01,479
I do so hope we're gonna
be friends, Mr Medium Dave.
256
00:24:02,674 --> 00:24:07,791
It really hurts to think I
might not be among... friends.
257
00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:17,722
And I suppose we might
as well make a start.
258
00:24:29,429 --> 00:24:31,506
Hello! My name's Violet,
259
00:24:32,632 --> 00:24:35,533
and I have been your tooth
fairy for this evening.
260
00:25:12,277 --> 00:25:14,385
Here, there ain't nothing
valuable, you know.
261
00:25:14,686 --> 00:25:19,370
Nothing valuable, only
a few bags of t-t-t-t...
262
00:25:21,246 --> 00:25:23,963
Teeth? I know.
263
00:25:25,584 --> 00:25:29,779
My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.
What's your name, sir?
264
00:25:30,338 --> 00:25:32,922
Ernie. Yes, Ernie.
265
00:25:37,531 --> 00:25:39,009
Come along, gentlemen.
266
00:25:40,049 --> 00:25:42,197
This is my friend Ernie.
267
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,777
He's gonna be our driver for tonight.
268
00:25:52,570 --> 00:25:54,746
Put her in the back, Banjo.
269
00:25:58,168 --> 00:26:01,749
Mister, I ain't rightly allowed
to carry passengers, ya know.
270
00:26:02,017 --> 00:26:03,906
Charlie'd give me a right telling off.
271
00:26:04,026 --> 00:26:09,198
Oh, don't you worry about
that. We're all friends here.
272
00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:13,175
Our mam said no hitting girls.
273
00:26:13,762 --> 00:26:17,893
Only bad boys do that, our mam said.
274
00:26:18,155 --> 00:26:19,044
Shut it!
275
00:26:22,693 --> 00:26:26,655
Ssh! Ernie here doesn't want
to listen to our troubles.
276
00:26:28,478 --> 00:26:30,252
Wh-Wh-Where
to, mister?
277
00:26:31,027 --> 00:26:34,981
You know the way, Ernie.
Behind the Unseen University.
278
00:26:37,195 --> 00:26:40,555
Where the students of
magic are still hard at work
279
00:26:40,675 --> 00:26:43,667
on the night before Hogswatch.
280
00:26:43,787 --> 00:26:47,222
It's just a shame we don't have
any radiation shielding, Busar.
281
00:26:47,865 --> 00:26:50,328
You want radiation
shielding, Mr Stibbons?
282
00:26:50,448 --> 00:26:54,810
Advice from Hex, Bursar. As the
university won't supply us students
283
00:26:54,930 --> 00:26:59,471
with a thaumic particle accelerator,
we've started to build our own.
284
00:27:02,427 --> 00:27:04,622
Safety first and all that!
285
00:27:20,113 --> 00:27:23,495
Dean, have you seen the Head
of Inadvisably Applied Magic?
286
00:27:23,615 --> 00:27:25,230
I need some urgent advice!
287
00:27:25,350 --> 00:27:28,082
Ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
288
00:27:28,202 --> 00:27:31,256
- Er... Hmm...
- Lecturer in Recent Runes?
289
00:27:31,376 --> 00:27:33,353
Well, you see, it all depends...
290
00:27:42,955 --> 00:27:44,241
I don't know...
291
00:27:45,135 --> 00:27:47,695
In my day, when I was an undergraduate,
292
00:27:48,164 --> 00:27:51,559
I wouldn't have been
studying on Hogswatch Night.
293
00:27:52,217 --> 00:27:56,651
It's just not natural. I'd
have been sick twice by now.
294
00:28:03,396 --> 00:28:04,436
Bursar?
295
00:28:06,156 --> 00:28:08,975
- Bursar?
- Hello, Mustrum.
296
00:28:09,095 --> 00:28:12,375
- Dean? Oh, there you are.
- Archchancellor?
297
00:28:12,495 --> 00:28:17,430
Members of the faculty, I've decided,
as a Hogswatch present to myself,
298
00:28:18,251 --> 00:28:23,511
to open up the late Archchancellor
Weatherwax's old bathroom.
299
00:28:24,917 --> 00:28:27,585
So I don't have to sluice
down with you fellas.
300
00:28:28,537 --> 00:28:32,053
It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.
301
00:28:35,809 --> 00:28:38,853
'Ere, I can't take you
lot through the wall!
302
00:28:39,445 --> 00:28:40,909
Listen, Ernie.
303
00:28:41,690 --> 00:28:44,523
Ern. You will take us through,
304
00:28:44,777 --> 00:28:48,292
or, and I say this with
very considerable regret,
305
00:28:48,916 --> 00:28:50,531
I'll have to kill you.
306
00:28:58,219 --> 00:29:01,517
- If I take you through the wall...
- What's the worst that can happen?
307
00:29:02,573 --> 00:29:03,941
You'll lose your job.
308
00:29:04,817 --> 00:29:07,471
Whereas if you don't, you'll die.
309
00:29:09,968 --> 00:29:13,756
Really, Mustrum, I think
this is most unwise.
310
00:29:14,055 --> 00:29:17,172
It said in the plans
there was a bathroom.
311
00:29:17,292 --> 00:29:21,017
You chaps are all acting as if it
was some kind of torture chamber.
312
00:29:21,137 --> 00:29:24,873
A bathroom designed by
Bloody Stupid Johnson!
313
00:29:25,606 --> 00:29:27,782
The late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson
314
00:29:27,902 --> 00:29:30,838
was the worst inventor in
the world, Archchancellor!
315
00:29:30,958 --> 00:29:31,779
Yes!
316
00:29:32,490 --> 00:29:36,171
Well, not everything he made
had a horribly fateful flaw.
317
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:41,048
I mean, think of that thing they use in the
kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.
318
00:29:41,373 --> 00:29:46,163
You mean that thing with the brass
plate saying "improved manicure device"?
319
00:29:47,923 --> 00:29:50,146
Well, it's only water.
320
00:29:50,428 --> 00:29:53,772
Even old Johnson can't
do much harm with water.
321
00:29:57,435 --> 00:29:58,626
Go to it, lad.
322
00:30:06,564 --> 00:30:08,441
- So?
- Er...
323
00:30:08,561 --> 00:30:10,958
Well, he just chucks
it at the wall there
324
00:30:11,078 --> 00:30:13,662
- and it goes "twing".
- Really?
325
00:30:14,300 --> 00:30:15,450
May I try?
326
00:30:22,962 --> 00:30:25,586
Ain't that nice, our Davey?
327
00:30:26,957 --> 00:30:27,796
Yeah.
328
00:30:31,171 --> 00:30:33,526
And then you just drive forward.
329
00:30:33,757 --> 00:30:37,545
Right. Quick, mind, cos it only
stays open for a little while.
330
00:30:41,008 --> 00:30:42,880
Thank you very much, Ernie,
331
00:30:43,099 --> 00:30:45,207
very much indeed.
332
00:30:52,859 --> 00:30:54,151
Wasn't he dull?
333
00:31:10,584 --> 00:31:13,382
If he's supposed to be
getting rid of the Hogfather,
334
00:31:13,502 --> 00:31:16,121
why is he going to the
Tooth Fairy's castle?
335
00:31:16,241 --> 00:31:19,381
The Tooth Fairy? Hah!
Another childish belief.
336
00:31:19,635 --> 00:31:22,786
- Exactly.
- Very elegant.
337
00:31:23,055 --> 00:31:27,173
- It is.
- You have to start somewhere.
338
00:31:27,476 --> 00:31:30,195
Once you have their
little minds in your grip,
339
00:31:30,437 --> 00:31:33,235
it's goodbye, Hogfather.
340
00:31:36,568 --> 00:31:37,766
It's him!
341
00:31:56,879 --> 00:32:00,872
- Could I give you a hand?
- Oh, yeah!
342
00:32:04,678 --> 00:32:08,644
Oh! Here, your fingers
aren't half cold, mister.
343
00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:09,930
Sorry.
344
00:32:10,768 --> 00:32:13,163
What did he want to
go and do that for, eh?
345
00:32:13,409 --> 00:32:16,676
I did what he said!
He could've killed me.
346
00:32:18,239 --> 00:32:19,196
Yes.
347
00:32:19,963 --> 00:32:22,398
I always keep a nip on
me these cold nights.
348
00:32:22,784 --> 00:32:26,507
- Keeps me spirits up.
- Indeed.
349
00:32:27,302 --> 00:32:29,833
How am I gonna explain
all this, then, eh?
350
00:32:31,134 --> 00:32:31,897
Sorry?
351
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:36,209
That was very rude of me.
I wasn't paying attention.
352
00:32:36,639 --> 00:32:38,529
What am I gonna tell people?
353
00:32:38,842 --> 00:32:41,825
Letting some blokes ride off
in me cart, neat as you like...
354
00:32:42,134 --> 00:32:43,698
That's gonna be the sack for sure.
355
00:32:45,462 --> 00:32:48,854
There, at least, I have
some good news, Ernest.
356
00:32:51,311 --> 00:32:55,046
And then again, I also
have some bad news.
357
00:32:58,264 --> 00:33:00,991
So... I'm dead, then.
358
00:33:01,233 --> 00:33:02,082
Correct.
359
00:33:05,327 --> 00:33:11,333
Now, tell me about these
blokes who stole your cart...
360
00:33:12,494 --> 00:33:14,485
...and killed you.
361
00:33:16,981 --> 00:33:20,794
Honestly! Death gets worse and worse.
362
00:33:21,086 --> 00:33:23,156
He seems to like humans.
363
00:33:23,380 --> 00:33:25,336
So illogical!
364
00:33:25,548 --> 00:33:28,142
But the beauty of the assassin's plan
365
00:33:28,384 --> 00:33:30,709
is that he can't interfere.
366
00:33:31,554 --> 00:33:34,269
But Death can go everywhere.
367
00:33:35,141 --> 00:33:35,925
No.
368
00:33:37,185 --> 00:33:40,257
Not... quite... everywhere.
369
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,006
Great job,
370
00:35:03,018 --> 00:35:05,843
but you look a right tit
wearing these helmets.
371
00:35:32,046 --> 00:35:32,871
Hello.
372
00:35:34,173 --> 00:35:35,718
My name's
Teh-ah-tim-eh.
373
00:35:38,093 --> 00:35:39,337
What's yours?
374
00:35:58,827 --> 00:35:59,921
Albert,
375
00:36:01,133 --> 00:36:03,782
something is not right.
376
00:36:10,741 --> 00:36:11,781
Too right.
377
00:36:45,408 --> 00:36:48,127
This is the Mythological Persons room.
378
00:36:48,732 --> 00:36:50,688
How can one of them die?
379
00:37:02,476 --> 00:37:03,967
Soul Cake Duck.
380
00:37:07,388 --> 00:37:09,042
The Tooth Fairy.
381
00:37:14,020 --> 00:37:16,401
The Hogfather!
382
00:37:19,507 --> 00:37:21,219
Oh, dear.
383
00:37:26,510 --> 00:37:28,371
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
384
00:37:31,245 --> 00:37:32,655
Albert!
385
00:37:38,210 --> 00:37:40,802
We may not have much time.
386
00:38:16,218 --> 00:38:18,312
Oh, is anybody there?
387
00:38:30,630 --> 00:38:32,587
I don't know what you're
expecting me to say, but...
388
00:38:34,288 --> 00:38:36,081
Ssh.
389
00:38:37,478 --> 00:38:38,901
Questions first.
390
00:38:39,623 --> 00:38:41,620
Babble... later.
391
00:38:48,678 --> 00:38:49,992
Now, Miss Bottler,
392
00:38:50,890 --> 00:38:54,790
I'd like you to think
of me... as a friend.
393
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,222
- How we doing, Mr Modo?
- Tanks are filled
394
00:39:05,342 --> 00:39:07,995
and I've stoked the boilers,
Mr Archchancellor, sir.
395
00:39:08,672 --> 00:39:11,714
You did read the sign
on that door, Ridcully?
396
00:39:13,793 --> 00:39:14,892
You mean the sign which said,
397
00:39:15,012 --> 00:39:18,163
"Do not under any
circumstances open this door"?
398
00:39:20,216 --> 00:39:22,902
Surely it was sealed up for a reason.
399
00:39:23,022 --> 00:39:25,809
Oh, he only wrote that
to keep people out.
400
00:39:27,063 --> 00:39:29,656
That's right. That's what people do.
401
00:39:29,776 --> 00:39:33,451
- Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Hygiene! That's the ticket.
402
00:39:34,209 --> 00:39:36,508
I still haven't worked out
where all the pipes lead.
403
00:39:36,628 --> 00:39:40,078
Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear.
404
00:39:50,312 --> 00:39:51,926
Man the pumps, Mr Modo,
405
00:39:52,838 --> 00:39:55,054
or dwarf 'em, of course, in your case.
406
00:40:12,693 --> 00:40:17,291
She's a tooth fairy, but
she's not "the" Tooth Fairy.
407
00:40:17,523 --> 00:40:18,125
Ssh.
408
00:40:23,265 --> 00:40:24,127
Teeth...
409
00:40:26,748 --> 00:40:29,501
What do you expect in
the Tooth Fairy's castle?
410
00:40:31,754 --> 00:40:33,807
It gives me the creeps
just thinking about it.
411
00:40:34,067 --> 00:40:38,911
You don't have to think. You
just have to do what I said.
412
00:40:40,094 --> 00:40:44,219
- All of 'em?
- Every last one.
413
00:40:46,581 --> 00:40:49,413
- Put 'em in a pile.
- That's millions.
414
00:40:50,421 --> 00:40:51,612
Mr Brown?
415
00:40:54,058 --> 00:40:56,849
I want you to unlock
every door you can find.
416
00:41:10,123 --> 00:41:11,930
What's this really all about?
417
00:41:24,243 --> 00:41:27,418
Does he believe in things
like the Soul Cake Duck?
418
00:41:29,475 --> 00:41:30,647
The Sandman?
419
00:41:31,705 --> 00:41:32,951
The Tooth Fairy?
420
00:41:36,005 --> 00:41:36,690
Yeah.
421
00:41:38,357 --> 00:41:39,890
Even the Hogfather.
422
00:41:41,945 --> 00:41:46,297
Cos after we're finished
here, not even he will.
423
00:42:04,334 --> 00:42:10,997
Onwards, Binky, to the
Hogfather's Castle of Bones!
424
00:42:37,519 --> 00:42:41,487
The first Hogswatch
off in a thousand years,
425
00:42:43,190 --> 00:42:48,837
even if I'm going to have the
mother of all hangovers in the mor...
426
00:43:33,811 --> 00:43:38,267
And how can the Hogfather bring
presents to everyone at the same time?
427
00:43:38,497 --> 00:43:41,637
Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.
428
00:43:41,895 --> 00:43:44,693
Look, you've always believed
in the Hogfather, yes?
429
00:43:45,087 --> 00:43:47,447
- Yes...
- Well, if you don't believe in him,
430
00:43:47,567 --> 00:43:51,952
- he won't come down the chimney.
- It's a very small chimney.
431
00:43:52,072 --> 00:43:55,621
And a very small stocking,
if you don't go to sleep.
432
00:46:17,337 --> 00:46:19,749
Ah, yes. And, erm...
433
00:46:23,593 --> 00:46:25,026
"Ho, ho, ho."
434
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:09,962
There's a tap in there
marked Old Faithful...
435
00:47:15,906 --> 00:47:21,131
...which I think perhaps we
might leave alone for now.
436
00:47:22,707 --> 00:47:26,415
This is... a most peculiar Hogswatch.
437
00:47:33,703 --> 00:47:36,153
Any mustard? They're
a treat with mustard.
438
00:47:39,375 --> 00:47:41,411
Apple sauce.
439
00:47:58,936 --> 00:48:02,053
I'm finding the beard a bit of a trial.
440
00:48:02,724 --> 00:48:06,198
Well, at least it's keeping you
in the right frame of mind, master.
441
00:48:06,318 --> 00:48:08,149
In character, that sort of thing.
442
00:48:08,502 --> 00:48:13,442
But going down the chimney...
Where's the sense in that?
443
00:48:15,069 --> 00:48:20,118
It's gotta be chimbleys, innit,
eh? A bit like the beard, really.
444
00:48:21,833 --> 00:48:24,924
Do you think these little buggers
would be writing to someone
445
00:48:25,044 --> 00:48:27,474
who can walk through walls if they knew?
446
00:48:28,691 --> 00:48:30,147
Oh, and that reminds me.
447
00:48:30,267 --> 00:48:33,099
The "ho, ho, ho" could
do with some more work,
448
00:48:33,219 --> 00:48:34,882
if you don't mind me saying so.
449
00:48:36,212 --> 00:48:38,246
Ho, ho, ho?
450
00:48:38,366 --> 00:48:39,686
No, no, no!
451
00:48:41,214 --> 00:48:44,093
No, you've got to put a
bit more life in it, sir.
452
00:48:44,355 --> 00:48:46,751
Er, no offence intended.
453
00:48:48,079 --> 00:48:50,115
You've got to do a big, fat laugh, sir,
454
00:48:50,774 --> 00:48:52,088
you know, like...
455
00:48:53,113 --> 00:48:55,183
Ho, ho, ho!
456
00:48:55,820 --> 00:48:59,458
Like that. See? You've got to
sound like you're pissing brandy
457
00:48:59,965 --> 00:49:02,294
and you're crapping plum pudding, sir,
458
00:49:02,414 --> 00:49:04,316
if you'll pardon my Klatchian.
459
00:49:05,258 --> 00:49:08,982
Really? How do you know all this?
460
00:49:09,639 --> 00:49:12,088
Well, I used to be
young myself once, sir,
461
00:49:13,383 --> 00:49:15,145
surprising as it may seem.
462
00:49:30,774 --> 00:49:33,741
- These teeth give me the creeps.
- Just keep going!
463
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:36,846
- Why are we piling them all up?
- You don't wanna know.
464
00:49:38,261 --> 00:49:39,550
Quicker all the teeth are in a pile,
465
00:49:39,670 --> 00:49:41,367
quick we're out of here with our money.
466
00:49:42,453 --> 00:49:45,918
No one ever laid a punch
on Banjo since our mam died.
467
00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:49,611
Tough but fair, your mam.
468
00:49:49,958 --> 00:49:53,228
I recall that time she strangled
Glossy Ron with his own leg.
469
00:49:53,763 --> 00:49:54,803
Yeah.
470
00:49:58,758 --> 00:50:00,693
Maybe the both of us could
creep up on him and...
471
00:50:00,929 --> 00:50:01,692
Yeah!
472
00:50:05,767 --> 00:50:08,241
I keep thinking about
that glass eye watching me.
473
00:50:09,336 --> 00:50:11,319
I keep thinking it can
see right in my head!
474
00:50:11,439 --> 00:50:14,280
Don't worry. He doesn't
know what you're thinking.
475
00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:15,879
How do you know?
476
00:50:17,092 --> 00:50:18,830
You're still alive.
477
00:50:25,922 --> 00:50:28,095
These damned eyeballs
are hard, aren't they?
478
00:50:28,330 --> 00:50:30,765
They're walnuts, not eyeballs.
479
00:50:39,740 --> 00:50:42,408
I don't want you back
in my life. Understand?
480
00:50:44,338 --> 00:50:46,349
Don't say you haven't been warned!
481
00:50:49,677 --> 00:50:50,512
Warned?
482
00:50:57,191 --> 00:50:59,336
Ah! Did you check the list?
483
00:50:59,819 --> 00:51:03,248
Couldn't really make head nor
tail of it, to tell you the truth.
484
00:51:04,054 --> 00:51:08,499
I don't normally care if
they've been naughty or nice.
485
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:18,968
I can feel belief in
the Hogfather fading.
486
00:51:19,546 --> 00:51:22,697
- What's that?
- It looks very bad.
487
00:51:23,138 --> 00:51:25,924
No, no. It's just where
something's been nibbling it.
488
00:51:26,044 --> 00:51:30,968
I mean the situation. I
fear we may be too late.
489
00:51:32,519 --> 00:51:36,063
Oh, well. Never say die, master.
490
00:51:36,183 --> 00:51:37,693
That's our motto.
491
00:51:39,537 --> 00:51:42,985
I can't say it's ever really been mine.
492
00:52:15,269 --> 00:52:17,240
You'd better watch out.
493
00:52:18,061 --> 00:52:21,098
Because if the Hogfather
still comes to town
494
00:52:21,337 --> 00:52:24,656
as result of a magical
misjudgement on your part,
495
00:52:24,945 --> 00:52:28,166
then, you will no longer
be my friend, Mr Sideney.
496
00:52:28,447 --> 00:52:31,007
I... understand, sir.
497
00:52:33,407 --> 00:52:35,268
Do you have a lot of friends,
498
00:52:36,927 --> 00:52:38,117
Mr Sideney?
499
00:52:40,375 --> 00:52:44,250
Erm... quite a few, actually.
500
00:52:46,376 --> 00:52:47,863
I don't have many.
501
00:52:48,797 --> 00:52:50,927
Don't seem to have the knack.
502
00:52:51,307 --> 00:52:55,700
On the other hand, I don't
seem to have any enemies at all.
503
00:52:57,308 --> 00:52:58,063
Well...
504
00:52:59,927 --> 00:53:04,092
...it's a very
enemy-friendly spell, sir.
505
00:53:05,187 --> 00:53:08,553
That is... very... simple...
506
00:53:10,916 --> 00:53:14,704
...and will make the
pile of teeth... very...
507
00:53:14,992 --> 00:53:16,889
Mr Teatime!
508
00:53:18,564 --> 00:53:19,823
... dangerous.
509
00:53:23,407 --> 00:53:26,883
Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.
510
00:53:27,290 --> 00:53:30,068
It's supposed to be jolly,
with mistletoe and holly...
511
00:53:30,341 --> 00:53:33,601
and other things... ending in "olly".
512
00:53:34,869 --> 00:53:37,828
It's a time when people are
meant to feel good about things,
513
00:53:37,948 --> 00:53:39,675
and eat until they explode,
514
00:53:39,891 --> 00:53:43,600
a time when they want to
see all their... relatives.
515
00:53:43,895 --> 00:53:47,570
I mean, it's a time when
humans are really human,
516
00:53:47,690 --> 00:53:52,121
and they don't want a...
a skeleton at the feast,
517
00:53:53,067 --> 00:53:56,422
especially one, I might add,
who's wearing a false beard
518
00:53:56,542 --> 00:54:01,583
and has got a damn cushion
shoved up his robe! I mean, why?
519
00:54:02,829 --> 00:54:06,572
Albert said it would help me
get into the spirit of the thing.
520
00:54:11,004 --> 00:54:12,489
This is a real job,
521
00:54:13,344 --> 00:54:15,739
and I was looking forward
to a real Hogswatch
522
00:54:15,859 --> 00:54:18,353
where normal things
happen with normal people
523
00:54:18,473 --> 00:54:20,101
in a normal house,
524
00:54:20,861 --> 00:54:23,916
and suddenly, the old
circus comes to town.
525
00:54:24,036 --> 00:54:27,446
Well, I don't know what's going on,
but you can just leave right now.
526
00:54:34,805 --> 00:54:35,681
Albert.
527
00:54:36,263 --> 00:54:37,207
Buggery.
528
00:54:38,794 --> 00:54:39,629
Master?
529
00:54:40,273 --> 00:54:41,422
I'm stuck.
530
00:54:43,437 --> 00:54:44,449
The pixie.
531
00:54:46,789 --> 00:54:51,057
Oh, come along in, do. If the real
Hogfather doesn't turn up soon,
532
00:54:51,177 --> 00:54:53,473
there's not going to
be enough room for him.
533
00:54:54,963 --> 00:54:57,022
- Oh...
- He won't be joining us.
534
00:54:59,004 --> 00:55:02,502
So what have you turned up for?
And if it's for business reasons,
535
00:55:02,622 --> 00:55:05,952
I will add then that outfit
is in extremely poor taste.
536
00:55:14,065 --> 00:55:18,643
The Hogfather is... unavailable.
537
00:55:20,488 --> 00:55:23,082
- At Hogswatch?
- Yes.
538
00:55:25,350 --> 00:55:26,144
Why?
539
00:55:26,994 --> 00:55:28,871
He is...
540
00:55:29,667 --> 00:55:31,116
Let me see.
541
00:55:32,716 --> 00:55:36,331
There isn't an entirely
appropriate human word,
542
00:55:36,451 --> 00:55:39,807
so, let's settle for...
543
00:55:45,415 --> 00:55:46,327
...gone.
544
00:55:52,811 --> 00:55:57,346
Yes. He is gone.
545
00:56:19,398 --> 00:56:24,684
How can the Hogfather be gone?
He's.. Isn't he what you are? Anth...
546
00:56:25,419 --> 00:56:30,123
Anthropomorphic personification? Yes.
547
00:56:31,007 --> 00:56:34,567
He has become the spirit of Hogswatch.
548
00:56:34,687 --> 00:56:38,795
And while he's gone, you've
taken over. That's sick.
549
00:56:46,122 --> 00:56:51,160
I see the girl writes in
green crayon on pink paper
550
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,497
with a mouse in the corner.
551
00:56:55,288 --> 00:56:57,440
The mouse is wearing a dress.
552
00:56:57,560 --> 00:56:59,706
I ought to point out that
she decided to do that
553
00:56:59,826 --> 00:57:01,970
so that the Hogfather
would think she was sweet,
554
00:57:02,679 --> 00:57:06,693
including the deliberate bad spelling.
But look, why are you doing...
555
00:57:06,953 --> 00:57:09,261
She says she is five years old.
556
00:57:09,507 --> 00:57:14,089
Seven. In cynicism, she's about
35. But why are you doing the...
557
00:57:14,209 --> 00:57:16,737
But she believes in the Hogfather.
558
00:57:17,473 --> 00:57:20,173
She'd believe in anything if
there was a dolly in it for her.
559
00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:23,316
But you're not going to
leave without telling me...
560
00:57:27,933 --> 00:57:29,844
And what are you doing here, Albert?
561
00:57:30,158 --> 00:57:32,772
I thought you'd die if you
ever came back to the world.
562
00:57:33,825 --> 00:57:37,534
Ah, but we are not in the world.
563
00:57:38,032 --> 00:57:43,286
We are in the special congruent
reality created for the Hogfather.
564
00:57:44,495 --> 00:57:47,711
Normal rules have to be suspended.
565
00:57:48,093 --> 00:57:52,390
How else could anyone get around
the entire world in one night?
566
00:57:52,732 --> 00:57:56,853
That's right. I'm one of the
Hogfather's little helpers, me.
567
00:57:57,297 --> 00:57:58,337
It's official.
568
00:57:58,752 --> 00:58:01,735
I've got the little pointy green
hat with the bell and everything.
569
00:58:02,783 --> 00:58:04,575
Have you been good, have you?
570
00:58:05,523 --> 00:58:07,195
Now we must be going.
571
00:58:08,235 --> 00:58:09,905
Happy Hogswatch.
572
00:58:11,273 --> 00:58:12,973
And, er... Oh, yes.
573
00:58:15,245 --> 00:58:16,914
Ho, ho, ho.
574
00:58:18,243 --> 00:58:21,094
Heh, heh. It's a nice
drop of sherry, this.
575
00:58:22,066 --> 00:58:24,984
You've actually been
drinking the actual drink
576
00:58:25,104 --> 00:58:27,631
little children leave
for the actual Hogfather?
577
00:58:29,730 --> 00:58:33,058
Well, yeah. Why not? He won't
be drinking any more, will he?
578
00:58:33,178 --> 00:58:36,205
Eh? Not where he's gone...
579
00:58:36,598 --> 00:58:38,801
How many have you had, may I ask?
580
00:58:39,764 --> 00:58:43,023
Hmm? Well, I dunno. I
haven't been counting.
581
00:58:43,143 --> 00:58:48,328
One million, eight hundred
thousand, seven hundred and six.
582
00:58:48,565 --> 00:58:53,920
And sixty-eight thousand, three
hundred and nineteen pork pies.
583
00:58:54,577 --> 00:58:56,311
And one turnip.
584
00:58:56,431 --> 00:59:01,326
Oh, yeah. Well... it
looked pork-pie shaped.
585
00:59:04,516 --> 00:59:08,631
But then, everything does
after a while, doesn't it?
586
00:59:08,751 --> 00:59:10,776
Why are you doing this?
587
00:59:15,364 --> 00:59:17,512
I am sorry, I cannot tell you.
588
00:59:18,218 --> 00:59:22,052
Forget you saw me.
It's not your business.
589
00:59:22,388 --> 00:59:24,722
Not my business? How can you say...
590
00:59:25,010 --> 00:59:27,240
You wanted to be normal.
591
00:59:28,412 --> 00:59:31,299
Good night, granddaughter.
592
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:33,379
Sleep tight.
593
00:59:34,165 --> 00:59:36,691
I know I shall. Pardon.
594
00:59:52,803 --> 00:59:55,102
There are a lot of doors.
I hope this is the one.
595
00:59:59,507 --> 01:00:01,833
This isn't the room we're looking for.
596
01:00:02,999 --> 01:00:04,477
Just teeth in here.
597
01:00:05,859 --> 01:00:07,323
Keep going, Mr Brown.
598
01:00:10,185 --> 01:00:10,820
Boo!
599
01:00:21,761 --> 01:00:25,619
Susan will try to find out what
this is all about, you know.
600
01:00:26,317 --> 01:00:27,653
Oh, dear.
601
01:00:28,210 --> 01:00:30,508
Especially after you told her not to.
602
01:00:32,185 --> 01:00:33,364
You think so?
603
01:00:33,484 --> 01:00:34,631
Oh, yes.
604
01:00:36,336 --> 01:00:41,456
Dear me! I still have a lot
to learn about humans, don't I?
605
01:00:41,799 --> 01:00:43,027
Oh, I dunno.
606
01:00:43,804 --> 01:00:47,745
Obviously it would be quite wrong
to involve a human in all this.
607
01:00:48,388 --> 01:00:50,516
That is why, you will recall,
608
01:00:50,724 --> 01:00:53,158
I clearly forbade her
to take an interest.
609
01:00:53,394 --> 01:00:55,385
Yes, yes, you did.
610
01:00:57,560 --> 01:01:01,156
- Besides, it's against the rules.
- Yeah, well, of course, that's a shame, really,
611
01:01:01,276 --> 01:01:03,964
because she likes to
break 'em, doesn't she?
612
01:01:04,757 --> 01:01:07,454
You might think I've
already thought of that,
613
01:01:07,574 --> 01:01:09,918
but I couldn't possibly comment.
614
01:01:10,520 --> 01:01:11,218
Oh.
615
01:01:13,465 --> 01:01:18,484
And we have much to do. We have
the Hogfather's promises to keep.
616
01:01:28,241 --> 01:01:30,266
Has he done something
to the real Hogfather?
617
01:03:08,679 --> 01:03:09,568
Binky.
618
01:03:19,869 --> 01:03:21,825
Can she be eliminated?
619
01:03:22,229 --> 01:03:24,871
Oh, yes. She's mostly human.
620
01:03:25,124 --> 01:03:26,159
Oh, good.
621
01:03:26,333 --> 01:03:30,042
Then, can we go back to just
concentrating on running the universe,
622
01:03:30,337 --> 01:03:33,568
making sure that gravity
works and that atoms spin?
623
01:03:33,841 --> 01:03:40,227
Yes, when there's not an atom
of belief left in the world.
624
01:03:40,487 --> 01:03:43,384
And the Hogfather is just the beginning.
625
01:03:47,687 --> 01:03:50,155
What are you looking for, Mustrum?
626
01:03:52,256 --> 01:03:53,244
My father always said,
627
01:03:53,364 --> 01:03:55,690
when you see a lot of
people bathing together,
628
01:03:56,659 --> 01:03:59,881
the Verruca Gnome is running
around with his little sack.
629
01:04:01,500 --> 01:04:02,632
Modo!
630
01:04:03,119 --> 01:04:06,628
Any sign of the Verruca
Gnome down there, old boy?
631
01:04:57,659 --> 01:05:01,740
Welcome home, Susan. You took your time!
632
01:05:02,599 --> 01:05:04,611
I don't do family reunions.
633
01:05:52,558 --> 01:05:53,676
Sandman.
634
01:05:55,067 --> 01:05:56,449
Soul Cake Duck.
635
01:05:57,188 --> 01:05:58,462
Tooth Fairy.
636
01:06:08,029 --> 01:06:09,466
The Hogfather!
637
01:06:14,932 --> 01:06:16,738
Grandfather, what have you done?
638
01:06:27,278 --> 01:06:30,406
This cushion is still uncomfortable.
639
01:06:30,815 --> 01:06:32,321
You're doing well, master.
640
01:06:32,847 --> 01:06:38,323
Soot in the fireplaces,
footprints, swigged sherries...
641
01:06:39,711 --> 01:06:43,474
...sleigh tracks all over the
roofs. No, no. It's got to work.
642
01:06:44,267 --> 01:06:45,566
You think so?
643
01:06:45,686 --> 01:06:48,215
Oh, yeah. Oh, here's
a little tip, though.
644
01:06:48,995 --> 01:06:51,362
"Ho, ho, ho," will do.
645
01:06:51,882 --> 01:06:55,502
Don't say, "Cower, brief mortals!"
646
01:06:57,509 --> 01:06:59,187
Oh. Really?
647
01:07:01,593 --> 01:07:03,769
So many chimneys...
648
01:07:04,385 --> 01:07:07,545
It would be so much quicker
if I lost the cushion.
649
01:07:07,840 --> 01:07:11,196
Yeah, well I mean, if we're gonna
give Susan enough time to succeed,
650
01:07:11,468 --> 01:07:14,744
the little perishers need
to believe in you, master.
651
01:07:16,001 --> 01:07:17,848
Er, I mean the Hogfather.
652
01:07:18,743 --> 01:07:21,034
So you've got to look the part, master.
653
01:07:23,986 --> 01:07:27,447
I tell you what'd be
really good to boost belief
654
01:07:27,885 --> 01:07:29,741
is a public appearance.
655
01:07:30,001 --> 01:07:32,395
Oh, I don't normally do them.
656
01:07:33,506 --> 01:07:37,104
Yeah, but the Hogfather's more
of a public figure, master.
657
01:07:37,785 --> 01:07:41,627
I tell you what, one good public
appearance would do more good
658
01:07:41,747 --> 01:07:44,580
than any amount of letting
the kids see you by accident.
659
01:07:45,046 --> 01:07:45,831
Really?
660
01:07:47,795 --> 01:07:49,911
And I know just the place.
661
01:08:20,719 --> 01:08:22,375
Thank you very much indeed.
662
01:08:31,629 --> 01:08:34,470
Everything tickety-boo, McPherson?
663
01:08:34,590 --> 01:08:37,674
- Yes, Mr Crumley.
- Jolly good.
664
01:08:40,971 --> 01:08:43,849
Let's go... sleigh them.
665
01:08:48,297 --> 01:08:51,320
I don't know if you noticed, Albert,
666
01:08:51,440 --> 01:08:54,159
but that was a pune,
667
01:08:54,401 --> 01:08:58,337
- or play on words.
- Ho, ho, ho, sir.
668
01:09:31,982 --> 01:09:34,307
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
669
01:09:35,067 --> 01:09:37,232
You're frightening the little kiddies!
670
01:09:37,352 --> 01:09:40,507
- Wow, they got tusks! Cool!
- That one's doing a wee.
671
01:09:42,406 --> 01:09:45,954
It's the Campaign for Equal Heights
that have done this, isn't it?
672
01:09:46,074 --> 01:09:48,605
They're out to ruin me! That's it!
673
01:09:49,225 --> 01:09:52,725
I don't mind the smell of the
oranges and the damp trousers,
674
01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:55,382
but I ain't putting up with this!
675
01:09:57,028 --> 01:09:59,548
And he's not even doing it right!
676
01:10:05,938 --> 01:10:07,908
What's going on here, then? Eh?
677
01:10:08,892 --> 01:10:09,726
Come on!
678
01:10:12,780 --> 01:10:13,834
Who are you?
679
01:10:14,566 --> 01:10:16,659
You can call me Uncle Heavy.
680
01:10:17,583 --> 01:10:21,335
- You're not a pixie.
- No, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister!
681
01:10:21,455 --> 01:10:23,265
Now, just ssh! Keep quiet!
682
01:10:24,273 --> 01:10:29,336
And what do you want for
Hogswatch, small human?
683
01:10:53,655 --> 01:10:57,025
The autobiographies write down
everything that happens to you
684
01:10:57,602 --> 01:10:58,792
as it happens.
685
01:10:59,408 --> 01:11:01,600
I know. I used to live here, remember?
686
01:11:01,858 --> 01:11:04,945
But I can't read this.
The letters are all... odd.
687
01:11:05,987 --> 01:11:10,086
Oh, so I suppose now you'll be
wanting my words of occult wisdom.
688
01:11:13,229 --> 01:11:17,910
Ethereal runes. The Hogfather
ain't human, after all.
689
01:11:22,711 --> 01:11:25,933
Er, I suppose a bit of warm
liver's out of the question?
690
01:11:31,720 --> 01:11:34,436
~ On the second day of Hogswatch
691
01:11:34,678 --> 01:11:36,703
~ I sent my true love back
692
01:11:38,101 --> 01:11:40,535
~ A nasty little letter
693
01:11:43,284 --> 01:11:46,622
~ And a partridge in a pear tree
694
01:11:48,337 --> 01:11:50,848
What's your game?
Small-time thief, are you?
695
01:11:51,094 --> 01:11:53,120
You ain't supposed to be able to see me.
696
01:11:53,402 --> 01:11:57,165
I'm a wizard! We can see things
that are really there, you know.
697
01:11:58,325 --> 01:12:00,080
Oh, what's in this bag?
698
01:12:00,200 --> 01:12:02,060
You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.
699
01:12:02,180 --> 01:12:05,565
Oh, will I? What are you
doing here, young man?
700
01:12:05,839 --> 01:12:07,700
Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?
701
01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:10,421
Well, it's sort of
like the same business.
702
01:12:10,722 --> 01:12:15,149
- You take things away?
- Not take away as such...
703
01:12:15,861 --> 01:12:17,124
More sort of bring.
704
01:12:17,949 --> 01:12:21,452
- Ah. Right, new teeth.
- Like new verrucas.
705
01:12:24,311 --> 01:12:25,802
Oh, you're him.
706
01:12:29,281 --> 01:12:31,617
I saw your piggy do a wee.
707
01:12:32,565 --> 01:12:33,249
Oh?
708
01:12:33,598 --> 01:12:35,454
Well... good.
709
01:12:36,002 --> 01:12:37,581
It had a great big...
710
01:12:37,749 --> 01:12:42,146
- What do you want for Hogswatch?
- She wants...
711
01:12:45,632 --> 01:12:47,961
I want an army and a big castle
712
01:12:48,081 --> 01:12:50,562
with an active drawbridge and a sword.
713
01:12:53,629 --> 01:12:55,887
I think they're supposed
to say thank you.
714
01:12:56,989 --> 01:13:00,937
Are you sure? People don't normally.
715
01:13:01,199 --> 01:13:05,304
No, I meant to the Hogfather,
which is you! Right?
716
01:13:13,400 --> 01:13:15,617
- Sorry.
- Yes, of course.
717
01:13:17,504 --> 01:13:19,505
You're supposed to say thank you.
718
01:13:19,625 --> 01:13:20,424
Thank you.
719
01:13:21,286 --> 01:13:24,363
And be good. This is
part of the arrangement.
720
01:13:24,621 --> 01:13:27,128
- Yes.
- Then, we have a contract.
721
01:13:33,399 --> 01:13:37,080
- Ah, verrucas, eh?
- Wish I knew why.
722
01:13:39,311 --> 01:13:41,559
- Do you mean you don't know?
- No!
723
01:13:41,679 --> 01:13:44,129
Suddenly I wake up and
I'm the Verruca Gnome!
724
01:13:44,249 --> 01:13:45,900
Why, how strange!
725
01:13:47,560 --> 01:13:51,075
Anyway... amazing bathroom, isn't it?
726
01:13:52,122 --> 01:13:54,947
It's even got a special pot
for your toenail clippings.
727
01:13:55,296 --> 01:13:59,201
- Special pot for your toenail clippings?
- Well, you can't be too careful.
728
01:14:00,081 --> 01:14:03,667
Get hold of something like
somebody's nail clippings,
729
01:14:03,787 --> 01:14:08,261
hair, teeth, you've got
them under your control.
730
01:14:08,971 --> 01:14:11,505
I mean, that's real old magic.
731
01:14:11,625 --> 01:14:13,709
Children of the world,
732
01:14:14,702 --> 01:14:17,822
prepare to think as you are told.
733
01:14:24,410 --> 01:14:25,669
Mr Sideney?
734
01:14:27,374 --> 01:14:32,171
Your big... no-misjudgements
magic moment.
735
01:14:54,953 --> 01:14:57,351
You can't give her that! It's not safe!
736
01:14:57,857 --> 01:15:01,512
It's a sword. They're
not meant to be safe.
737
01:15:01,632 --> 01:15:05,616
- But she's a child!
- It's educational.
738
01:15:05,736 --> 01:15:07,467
What if she cuts herself?
739
01:15:08,470 --> 01:15:11,288
That will be an important lesson.
740
01:15:14,818 --> 01:15:15,680
Really?
741
01:15:16,200 --> 01:15:20,519
Oh, well. It's not for
me to argue, I suppose.
742
01:15:22,673 --> 01:15:25,958
And she doesn't want all that
other stuff. She's a girl!
743
01:15:26,797 --> 01:15:30,231
And anyway, I can't afford
big posh stuff like that.
744
01:15:31,829 --> 01:15:34,333
I thought I gave it away.
745
01:15:35,385 --> 01:15:37,355
- You do?
- You do?
746
01:15:39,032 --> 01:15:44,262
You don't! That's our merchandise!
You don't just give it away.
747
01:15:44,382 --> 01:15:47,049
Hogswatch isn't about
giving everything away.
748
01:15:47,585 --> 01:15:51,935
I mean, yes, you do give things away,
749
01:15:52,055 --> 01:15:54,283
but you have to buy them first.
750
01:15:55,580 --> 01:15:59,234
You mean... this is all... free?
751
01:16:02,786 --> 01:16:07,765
It... would seem... to be.
752
01:16:13,587 --> 01:16:15,051
So, Mr Stibbons,
753
01:16:15,453 --> 01:16:18,684
this thing's a great big
artificial brain, then, eh?
754
01:16:18,956 --> 01:16:21,186
You could think of it like that.
755
01:16:21,784 --> 01:16:24,836
Of course, Hex doesn't
actually think, not as such.
756
01:16:24,956 --> 01:16:27,678
- It just appears to be thinking.
- Amazing!
757
01:16:28,349 --> 01:16:32,353
You mean it gives the impression
of thinking, but really it's just a show?
758
01:16:32,678 --> 01:16:36,036
- Er, yes.
- Just like everyone else, then, eh?
759
01:16:38,009 --> 01:16:39,498
Oh, I knew I came here for something.
760
01:16:42,160 --> 01:16:43,245
Now, this little chappie
761
01:16:43,365 --> 01:16:45,335
is the Verruca Gnome...
762
01:16:46,817 --> 01:16:51,387
...who's just popped into existence
to be with us on Hogswatch Night,
763
01:16:51,702 --> 01:16:54,223
being the most magical
night of the year.
764
01:16:54,343 --> 01:16:56,436
Last year's occult rubbish piling up...
765
01:16:56,556 --> 01:16:59,626
I thought you chaps might
like to check up on it.
766
01:16:59,746 --> 01:17:01,782
The Verruca Gnome?
767
01:17:03,016 --> 01:17:06,091
Well, it makes about as much
sense as anything else, doesn't it?
768
01:17:06,351 --> 01:17:08,341
After all, there's a
Tooth Fairy, isn't there?
769
01:17:09,255 --> 01:17:12,697
Makes one wonder why
there's a god of wine
770
01:17:12,817 --> 01:17:14,985
and not a god of hangovers.
771
01:17:18,431 --> 01:17:20,536
Anyone hear a noise just then?
772
01:17:20,975 --> 01:17:22,411
Sorry, Archchancellor?
773
01:17:23,587 --> 01:17:24,627
A sort of...
774
01:17:28,023 --> 01:17:30,776
Like a lot of, er... tinkling bells?
775
01:17:31,055 --> 01:17:33,096
I didn't hear anything like that, sir.
776
01:17:33,320 --> 01:17:37,836
Oh. Well, where was I? Erm...
777
01:17:38,158 --> 01:17:43,919
Oh yes, well, I mean, nobody's ever
seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.
778
01:17:44,039 --> 01:17:48,415
I've never heard of me
until tonight, and I am me!
779
01:17:50,124 --> 01:17:54,159
Well, erm, we'll see what Hex
can find out, Archchancellor.
780
01:17:54,507 --> 01:17:55,583
Good man.
781
01:18:05,334 --> 01:18:06,675
Amazing!
782
01:18:10,231 --> 01:18:13,826
Now we should be able to get
to the bottom of all this.
783
01:18:25,459 --> 01:18:29,211
None of this is right. Everyone
knows he's just a jolly old fat man
784
01:18:29,331 --> 01:18:30,857
who hands out presents to kids.
785
01:18:31,355 --> 01:18:33,203
He wasn't always so jolly.
786
01:18:33,705 --> 01:18:36,103
- You know how it is.
- Do I?
787
01:18:36,548 --> 01:18:39,923
Well, it's like, you know,
industrial retraining.
788
01:18:40,886 --> 01:18:43,664
Even gods have to move with the times.
789
01:18:43,896 --> 01:18:46,104
You see, your Hogfather
790
01:18:46,224 --> 01:18:50,419
was probably just your
basic winter demiurge,
791
01:18:50,728 --> 01:18:54,403
you know, blood on the snow,
making the sun come up...
792
01:18:54,967 --> 01:18:57,364
So there has to be blood
to make the sun come up?
793
01:18:57,971 --> 01:19:01,160
Hmm! Well, it starts off
with animal sacrifice,
794
01:19:01,280 --> 01:19:04,511
You know, hunt some big, hairy
animal to death, that kind of stuff,
795
01:19:04,631 --> 01:19:08,310
very folkloric, very... mythic.
796
01:19:10,758 --> 01:19:12,293
Didn't stop at animals, neither.
797
01:19:12,413 --> 01:19:15,928
They had sacred kings,
the strongest and the best,
798
01:19:16,211 --> 01:19:21,649
died at the dark time of year to
give life to the unconquered sun.
799
01:19:22,236 --> 01:19:26,875
And in a way, the
Hogfather was all of 'em.
800
01:19:32,464 --> 01:19:35,871
- And then?
- Then some bright spark thought,
801
01:19:35,991 --> 01:19:38,863
"Aye, looks like that
damn sun comes up anyway,
802
01:19:38,983 --> 01:19:42,339
so how come we're giving those
Druids all this free grub?"
803
01:19:42,459 --> 01:19:46,523
The world moves on, and
he's gotta find a new job.
804
01:19:46,838 --> 01:19:50,226
So he started as an animal
sacrifice to make the sun come up?
805
01:19:50,896 --> 01:19:52,106
Exactimundo.
806
01:19:52,722 --> 01:19:54,548
And now he gives out presents.
807
01:20:03,206 --> 01:20:04,916
Top of the evenin', squire.
808
01:20:05,304 --> 01:20:09,163
I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch,
and this is Constable Visit, sir.
809
01:20:10,055 --> 01:20:12,853
I want you to arrest him!
810
01:20:14,500 --> 01:20:17,866
- Arrest who, sir?
- The Hogfather!
811
01:20:19,837 --> 01:20:21,261
What for, sir?
812
01:20:21,381 --> 01:20:27,238
He's sitting up there as bold
as brass in his... grotto...
813
01:20:28,448 --> 01:20:30,575
...giving away presents!
814
01:20:32,118 --> 01:20:34,632
Not quite up to speed here, sir.
815
01:20:34,752 --> 01:20:38,103
I thought the Hogfather was supposed
to give away stuff, isn't he?
816
01:20:38,596 --> 01:20:42,474
But this one's... an impostor!
817
01:20:43,252 --> 01:20:45,025
You know, I always thought that.
818
01:20:45,256 --> 01:20:49,549
I thought, the Hogfather spends
two weeks sitting in a wooden grotto
819
01:20:49,669 --> 01:20:55,220
in some shop in Ankh-Morpork,
very busy time, too. Nice life, eh?
820
01:20:55,592 --> 01:21:00,021
He's not the Hogfather we usually have!
821
01:21:02,564 --> 01:21:07,115
You mean a different impostor?
Not the real impostor at all?
822
01:21:07,444 --> 01:21:08,294
Yes!
823
01:21:09,984 --> 01:21:10,614
No!
824
01:21:12,726 --> 01:21:15,202
Arrest the Hogfather style of thing?
825
01:21:15,462 --> 01:21:18,792
- Yes!
- On Hogswatch Night?
826
01:21:19,080 --> 01:21:21,254
- Yes.
- For giving away presents?
827
01:21:22,934 --> 01:21:24,422
In front of all these kiddies?
828
01:21:24,542 --> 01:21:26,053
Yes!
829
01:21:26,713 --> 01:21:27,588
- In your shop?
830
01:21:27,931 --> 01:21:28,314
- Y...
831
01:21:29,757 --> 01:21:33,959
You think... that
might look a bit... bad?
832
01:21:35,430 --> 01:21:37,676
Difficult to see how
it could look good, sir.
833
01:21:39,496 --> 01:21:44,052
Could you not do it... surreptitiously?
834
01:21:45,356 --> 01:21:47,950
Oh, well! Yes.
835
01:21:49,108 --> 01:21:52,939
Surreptition. Yes. We
could give that a try.
836
01:21:58,368 --> 01:22:01,056
You won't find me ungrateful.
837
01:22:08,673 --> 01:22:13,886
In Omnia, we call Hogswatch
Night the Fast of St Ossory.
838
01:22:14,515 --> 01:22:17,193
But it is not an
occasion for superstition
839
01:22:17,313 --> 01:22:19,106
and crass commercialism.
840
01:22:19,530 --> 01:22:22,654
I used to hang up my stocking
every Hogswatch, regular.
841
01:22:24,936 --> 01:22:28,406
All that ever happened was
my dad was sick in it once.
842
01:22:32,313 --> 01:22:33,408
I'm going in.
843
01:22:49,877 --> 01:22:54,075
There seems to be a thaumic
surge from somewhere.
844
01:22:54,465 --> 01:23:00,035
It's as if something is triggering
random bursts of stray belief.
845
01:23:03,516 --> 01:23:08,369
It's the expression on
their little faces I like.
846
01:23:08,728 --> 01:23:12,529
Yeah, a sort of cross
between fear and and awe.
847
01:23:12,888 --> 01:23:15,186
They don't know whether to
laugh, cry or wet their pants.
848
01:23:15,944 --> 01:23:20,659
Yes. Now, that is what I call belief.
849
01:23:22,152 --> 01:23:23,205
Next.
850
01:23:24,198 --> 01:23:26,541
And what's your name, little...
851
01:23:29,310 --> 01:23:30,213
...person?
852
01:23:31,289 --> 01:23:32,890
Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.
853
01:23:33,878 --> 01:23:38,906
And have you been a good
bo? A good dwa? A good gno?
854
01:23:39,258 --> 01:23:41,249
A good individual?
855
01:23:43,514 --> 01:23:44,214
Yes.
856
01:23:49,059 --> 01:23:50,717
So why isn't it working?
857
01:23:51,095 --> 01:23:55,148
Ah, the chalk... just got a bit scuffed,
858
01:23:55,268 --> 01:23:58,178
you know, when we were
piling up the... the things.
859
01:23:58,298 --> 01:24:01,515
- You're sure that's what it is?
- Well, er...
860
01:24:02,973 --> 01:24:04,162
What about the spell?
861
01:24:04,282 --> 01:24:06,719
Oh, that'll go on
forever. Simple ones do.
862
01:24:07,047 --> 01:24:13,985
It's just a state change,
powered by the... the...
863
01:24:15,084 --> 01:24:16,915
It just keeps going.
864
01:24:17,712 --> 01:24:19,862
That's very good, Mr Sideney.
865
01:24:20,699 --> 01:24:23,532
Because if the sympathetic
magic doesn't work,
866
01:24:24,218 --> 01:24:25,970
you will find me very...
867
01:24:27,596 --> 01:24:28,936
...unsympathetic.
868
01:24:33,477 --> 01:24:34,708
What happened? What happened?
869
01:24:35,646 --> 01:24:39,082
Ah, it's disgusting,
this whole business!
870
01:24:39,358 --> 01:24:41,271
It is the worship of idols!
871
01:24:46,072 --> 01:24:49,343
It's a genuine Burleigh & Stronginthearm
872
01:24:49,463 --> 01:24:52,417
double-action
triple-cantilever crossbow
873
01:24:52,537 --> 01:24:59,286
with a polished-walnut stock
and... silver engraved facings.
874
01:25:02,260 --> 01:25:04,504
Aren't we going to arrest
the impostor, Corporal?
875
01:25:07,134 --> 01:25:08,735
You're foreign, Washpot.
876
01:25:09,063 --> 01:25:12,046
I can't expect you to know
the real meaning of Hogswatch.
877
01:25:16,749 --> 01:25:20,224
On the whole, I think that
went very well, don't you?
878
01:25:20,525 --> 01:25:21,606
Yes, master.
879
01:25:22,384 --> 01:25:25,444
And I think I've got the
laugh working really well now.
880
01:25:25,564 --> 01:25:29,846
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Yes, sir. Very jolly.
881
01:25:30,866 --> 01:25:33,373
Tomorrow morning,
they'll believe, alright.
882
01:25:33,736 --> 01:25:35,085
They'd better.
883
01:25:35,205 --> 01:25:39,882
Because if they don't, then
there won't be a tomorrow morning.
884
01:25:43,086 --> 01:25:46,920
So for the sun to come up tomorrow,
the Hogfather has to be alive.
885
01:25:47,215 --> 01:25:48,728
Precise-amente.
886
01:25:52,626 --> 01:25:53,952
But what if he's dead?
887
01:26:16,539 --> 01:26:20,972
And this was gonna
be your big... moment.
888
01:26:38,556 --> 01:26:39,453
It's him!
889
01:26:46,189 --> 01:26:47,562
Such a shame!
890
01:26:48,942 --> 01:26:50,379
Pretty lights...
891
01:27:07,864 --> 01:27:11,339
Think... happy, Banjo.
892
01:27:26,012 --> 01:27:29,432
Wake up! Wake up! You've
got to find the Hogfather!
893
01:27:30,422 --> 01:27:32,187
He was at the Castle of Bones.
894
01:27:51,104 --> 01:27:52,746
You're not the Hogfather.
895
01:27:57,967 --> 01:27:59,821
There must be thousands here.
896
01:28:01,632 --> 01:28:05,644
What's all this stuff? It's just paper.
897
01:28:05,764 --> 01:28:09,997
They're title deeds to properties,
and they're better than money.
898
01:28:11,021 --> 01:28:13,424
So if we steal them,
do they become ours?
899
01:28:15,692 --> 01:28:17,632
Is that a trick question?
900
01:28:19,368 --> 01:28:21,634
Anyway, let's get going.
901
01:28:23,408 --> 01:28:24,888
He won't miss a few, er...
902
01:28:27,078 --> 01:28:31,754
- Gentlemen.
- We were just, er...
903
01:28:32,732 --> 01:28:36,002
We were just... piling up the stuff.
904
01:28:39,338 --> 01:28:40,009
Hah!
905
01:28:48,704 --> 01:28:51,190
Hmm! I know people say
906
01:28:51,548 --> 01:28:54,427
I'd kill them as soon as look at them.
907
01:28:54,547 --> 01:29:00,922
And in fact, I'd much rather kill
you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite.
908
01:29:01,987 --> 01:29:04,242
You're thinking that
Banjo's gonna help you.
909
01:29:05,490 --> 01:29:08,095
That's how its always been, isn't it?
910
01:29:08,895 --> 01:29:10,824
But Banjo's my friend now.
911
01:29:11,549 --> 01:29:14,866
Banjo has the heart...
of a little child.
912
01:29:15,750 --> 01:29:17,581
And believe, I have, too.
913
01:29:19,661 --> 01:29:21,654
Help him, Banjo.
914
01:29:23,423 --> 01:29:27,364
As far as this goes, I
really have no use for it.
915
01:29:28,262 --> 01:29:30,089
It's only pillow money.
916
01:29:30,848 --> 01:29:35,470
Something much more...
interesting has become apparent.
917
01:30:02,754 --> 01:30:03,757
Albert...
918
01:30:05,590 --> 01:30:08,359
I don't see the Hogfather
as someone who rolls his own.
919
01:30:35,890 --> 01:30:36,780
Drop him.
920
01:30:41,041 --> 01:30:44,875
Control. Control the inner child,
921
01:30:45,678 --> 01:30:48,114
and it'll even give you its teeth.
922
01:30:48,799 --> 01:30:50,527
And somewhere in this tower,
923
01:30:51,635 --> 01:30:55,184
you're gonna help me find
someone who can use it...
924
01:30:56,973 --> 01:31:01,603
...who can use it
to... give me the world.
925
01:31:17,641 --> 01:31:20,077
So, is he saying to
take the money and go?
926
01:31:20,895 --> 01:31:22,782
Don't be so bloody stupid!
927
01:31:28,710 --> 01:31:29,531
Daddy?
928
01:31:33,193 --> 01:31:35,848
I say... It's not what you think!
929
01:31:37,679 --> 01:31:38,714
Yes, it is.
930
01:32:07,750 --> 01:32:08,726
Mr Brown?
931
01:32:11,153 --> 01:32:13,179
There's one door you haven't found.
932
01:32:14,629 --> 01:32:18,597
Find the Tooth Fairy's secret
room. And when he does...
933
01:32:21,891 --> 01:32:26,879
...then, just think what I
can make the kiddiewinks think.
934
01:33:47,823 --> 01:33:52,092
- Are you alright?
- I wish I was dead.
935
01:33:55,058 --> 01:33:57,371
I think you may have
come to the right place.
936
01:33:59,942 --> 01:34:02,376
- Oh, my head...
- Are you the Hogfather?
937
01:34:05,913 --> 01:34:09,180
I feel awful! Have you got any ice?
938
01:34:18,210 --> 01:34:19,895
Duty calls.
939
01:34:20,688 --> 01:34:22,938
Yeah, but which one?
That one or this one?
940
01:34:44,360 --> 01:34:47,796
Happy Hogswatch, everybody!
71628
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