Original subtitles

Guys, I have amazing news! I just got

the lead in an off-Broadway play!

That's awesome!

Your name will be up in lights!

Or in tiny print in the back of the program...

I'm the new understudy.

The old one got hit by a bus and she's in a body cast for a year.

Can you believe the luck?

So, basically you will be watching someone else perform the part.

Well, yeah, if you wanna be all accurate.

What's the show about?

Ooh, it's this really creepy Southern mystery called Fiddle Dee Die.

The only downside is,

it's such a big hit, I can't get you guys tickets.

Sounds like a win-win to me!

At least pretend to be sad.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

Careful. I may be a star on the rise but I still control your bedtime.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

What the heck is this? It looks moldy.

My food is not moldy!

Do not be ashamed. Your salmon mousse is currently helping

a local university cure the common cold.

For the record, this is mold-free, bite-sized eggs Florentine with a dill foam.

Also known as an "amuse-bouche."

Well, my bouche is not amused.

The idea is you put

the whole dish in your mouth at once.

Like Luke did with that chicken last week.

Those bones made for a very unpleasant morning.

I've entered an online

competition to win my own cooking show.

You record yourself making your favorite recipe, post it online, and the

video with the most votes wins.

Soon, "Bertram Winkle" will be a household name.

He's barely a name in this household.

His last name is Winkle?

Well, if y'all don't look as busy as moths in a mitten!

How is everyone this fine morning?

A better question is why are you talking like everybody in The Help?

As the understudy, I have to be ready.

If the star gets the sniffles, or an ingrown toenail,

or is abducted by aliens without the time travel technology

to return her to the exact minute

they took her... I'll go on for Susan Channing!

Hindi. You are the understudy for Susan Channing?

She is my favorite theater actress ever!

I even have her trading card.

They make those?

Actually, I made it myself.

Okay, that's not creepy at all.

On the bright side, if he has a trading card,

that must mean he finally found a friend to trade with.

And we're whisking...

We're whisking...

(BOTH SNORING) Hey!

What do you guys think of my audition video?

To tell the truth, It made me yearn for one of Jessie's boyfriend stories.

It doesn't need to be exciting.

What matters is the quality of my cooking.

You can't reach through the TV and eat food.

Not that we haven't caught you trying.

Ever since we got that 3D screen, I can't help myself!

What you need is a gimmick. Cooking shows are all about style.

Luckily, style over substance is my middle name!

That must make for quite a monogram.

Look, if you really want your web show to blow up,

let me produce it. I've got some totes awesome ideas.

I promise, you'll be in good hands!

(GROANS) Well, I know I'm going to regret this, but... Fine.

So the plan is to combine your charisma with Emma's brains?

Why don't you just throw in Luke's book smarts and Ravi's popularity?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Luke, did you enjoy this as much as I did?

No, I'm just glad it's over.

They couldn't have thrown in one ninja?

Yeah, because Alabama in the 1940s was just crawling with ninjas!

If it was, no one would have known, because they're ninjas.

Listen to that ovation!

You were wonderful, Miss Channing.

Your performance has moved me to tears.

Who are you people? And why are you making eye contact with me?

Miss Channing, I'm your new understudy, Jessie Prescott.

Ah, then prepare to die of boredom.

I don't need an understudy.

I have never missed a performance.

And I never gave a lizard a pedicure until a few years ago.

Life is full of surprises.

Not for me. I've had perfect attendance, ever since my first role

as Baby New Year at Radio City.

On show night I had an upset tummy, but even as a pooper,

I was a trooper.

Miss Channing, please will you be so kind as to sign my trading card?

Oh, sorry. If I gave you an autograph,

I'd have to give them to all my fans.

And then where would I be?

Thanking the people who made you famous?

It would never end!

So, what have we learned today?

That I am not special?

Exactly. But you are a quick study. Ta-ta!

She is one rude diva.

Well, I guess I'm going to have a lot more free time than I thought.

Can we spend some of it re-building my self-esteem?

Bertram! What's the hold up?

We're live in one minute.

Yikes. Wikka-wikka-what were you thinking?

When I said I wanted to work with a grill,

this is not what I meant.

Just trust me. Remember, you're ODB, Ol' Dirty Butler.

And I am your sous-chef, Nicki Fromage.

Well, I guess this will get people's attention.

Then, I can blow them away with my amazing recipes.

Forget about the recipes. Just try to look cool.

Try harder.

Okay, we're live in three, two...

(BEAT BOXING)

(RAPPING) ♪ Yo, yo, yo. I'm ODB

♪ from the Upper West Side

♪ I live with a lizard and a limo is my ride

♪ So listen up close and I'll teach you how to cook

♪ My ahi tuna wraps are off-the-hook!

♪ Mix some brown sugar with a little ginger soy

♪ And marinate your meat in some lemon juice, boy-ee!

♪ Yo, ODB's the boss When it comes to sauce

♪ This ain't no hobby He makes his own wasabi!

♪ Add diced wasabi a little mayonnaise

♪ Throw it in the blender, and hit puree for days! ♪

(CHOKING)

Cut! Cut!

So, how did we do? Did we get lots of votes?

No, but the comments are rolling in.

"This video is so bad, it puts the 'why' in wi-fi."

Here's another bad one, "This show stinks," from Zurigurl300?

Tell me I'm wrong.

Gather, gather. Everyone, I have an announcement.

Miss Channing won't be able to make the show

because she's been in a terrible accident.

Yes!

Kids! Get down here! I'm about to make my off-Broadway debut!

You can do your homework later!

This is important!

I can't believe I'm actually going on.

I forgot my lines.

I forgot my name! It's Desiree Peacock.

No, I mean my actual name! It's Jessie.

Oh. Oh, that's pretty.

We're here! Guys! This is so sweet of you...

"Get well soon, Susan. No one can take your place?"

Uh, those are not for you. But would you care to sign the card?

(PANTING) Stop!

I couldn't find a cab from the hospital, so I grabbed this skateboard,

held onto the back of the 104 bus, and got here as fast as I could.

Now, gimme my costume!

Are you sure you don't want me to go on for you?

I mean, you're in a neck brace...

And your left eye is kind of staring at your right eye...

I told you, I never miss a performance. You can't fill my shoes.

Now, get out of my shoes!

Which are now stretched beyond recognition!

Thanks a lot, Sasquatch!

I still think my rapper idea was awesome.

Well, every single person on the internet disagreed.

Wow.

I know. Doesn't he look adorable?

Somebody get me a rope.

So you can do rope tricks?

Yeah. That's why.

And... Action!

Howdy, barbecuin' buckaroos.

Today I'm gonna show y'all how to make every cowboy's favorite,

Five-Alarm Chili.

It'll leave you rootin' and tootin'... (LAUGHS) Literally.

Howdy, y'all!

I'm his pard'ner in cookin' crime, Calamity Zuri!

Hey, good accent.

Thanks! This is how Jessie talks in her sleep.

First, y'all are gonna need is a big pot of boilin' water on the stove.

Then, you gotta get your beans.

Whoa, Nelly. These chaps are chafing something fierce.

And that, folks, is what we call a heapin' helpin' of TMI.

Hurry up! Don't make Calamity Zuri get her cattle prod.

I'm trying, but my spur is stuck...

Puttin' the beans in the boilin' water...

(YELLS)

Uh, sorry buckaroos. Just sit tight while we...

Oh, never mind, just cut it.

Okay, how bad are the comments?

Well, let's just say you're wanted in Texas, dead or alive.

Mostly dead.

Miss Channing, what are you doing here?

I was invited by Morgan Ross.

What are you doing here?

I was also invited by Morgan Ross.

Three years ago. To be his son.

Hi, Susan. I'm Luke, Morgan Ross's other son.

Dad just phoned to say he's super excited to talk to you about starring

in his next summer blockbuster.

He did?

Yes, he did.

But he's running a little late.

How late? In two hours I have an audience to enchant.

Oh, he won't be too long.

Why don't you wait on the terrace?

Oh. Very well.

I thought Mr. Daddy was in Nashville shooting that country music

exploitation film, Banjo Unchained.

(SHUSHING)

He is. I tricked Susan into coming.

So now all you've got to do is distract her with annoying fan boy questions

until she misses her performance and Jessie goes on instead!

Done! I cannot wait to probe the very depths of her soul!

I asked you to keep her here, not to scare her away.

No probing!

...and that's how, at nine years old, I ended up writing my memoirs,

Binky to Broadway.

Look, I really must be going...

Please, just one more question!

I have always wondered how you prepare for a role.

Well, my preparation involves retiring to a cave upstate

and living amongst woodland creatures.

Short story long, I lost three toes to a badger.

Oh, and when you... Look, as much as I love talking about myself,

I really must get to the theater.

Tell your father the curtain waits for no man, and neither do I!

Stop that! What are you doing with those handcuffs?

Making my nanny's dreams come true.

What have you done?

Nothing! I am an unwitting accomplice!

If you knew me, you would know that I am often the unwitting accomplice!

(GRUNTING)

It's locked!

So, you thought you could distract me by making me talk about myself.

What kind of self-centered, egomaniac do you think I am?

(GASPS)

Would you look at that?

Even desperate and fearful, I'm stunning.

We just wanted our nanny, Jessie, to get her chance on stage!

Jessie! You mean my understudy?

Ooh, by the time I get done with her, I'll make sure she has

a role in Fiddle Dee Die... As the corpse!

Your flair for dramatic dialogue has me simultaneously terrified and tingly!

You got any threes?

I know you're cheating.

Jessie, you're on! Susan's not coming!

Yes, she is. No, she's not!

How do you know? Because I handcuffed her

to a chair on our terrace. You what?

I know it sounds bad, but I did it for us!

I didn't want our future children to have a failed actress as a mother!

Luke! This is completely unacceptable!

I'm going to take you straight home and ground you...

Five minutes to curtain!

...right after I go out there and give the performance of my life.

They'll never forget the first time they saw Jessie...

Now it's four minutes!

Get into your costume, or I will play that part myself!

Back off, pal. This is my moment!

I would've killed in that role.

Ugh. They put in too much salt.

So, how do we look?

Like cute, little, show-stealing back-stabbers.

He thinks we look cute!

I can't believe I'm working behind the scenes on my own show.

Well, after trying to make you a star,

we realized where we both went wrong.

It was the part where we tried to make you a star.

But you don't even know how to cook!

You do it every day. How hard can it be?

Fine.

And...

Action.

BOTH: We're the Sizzle Sisters!

And we're going to show you how to make the most glamorous pizza ever.

First, you roll out the dough.

Which we've pre-purchased at our local supermarket.

(SCOFFS)

Sizzle Sister tip number one, cover your cutting board with a layer of flour.

(BOTH COUGHING)

Then, you gotta twirl your dough.

Higher! Higher! Higher!

Well, while we wait for that to land,

let's check on one we made earlier.

(BEEPING)

Bertram! Why didn't this stupid oven get hot?

Umm... Because it's a dishwasher.

Uh-oh. I put a frozen pizza in here!

(SCREAMING)

Real smooth, Emma.

(SHRIEKS)

(LAUGHING)

Help! Escaped, enraged actress trying to throttle me!

Give me back my phone!

Help me!

(STAMMERING) You're Susan Channing!

I loved you in Valley of Dead Swans.

Careful! She is a biter!

Someone stop her!

I got this.

(SHRIEKING)

ZURI: I think our sauce is done.

(SHRIEKS)

I'm covered in over-salted sauce!

Told ya.

And now I'm late to the theater.

Could things get any worse?

I know you did your pour husband in then used him

to fertilize the begonias.

Which was not only unladylike, but downright messy!

I gotta admit, Jessie's good.

And I'm not just saying that because she's my future wife.

Yeah, you heard me.

Ah, dream big, kid. That's what I did.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go empty the trash in the dressing rooms.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, no! Susan escaped?

I've gotta warn Jessie!

Oh, save your tears for the judge.

Detective Beauregard, take her away!

Um, excuse me, sir, your mustache looks a little crooked...

Yes!

Ah, man. I really wish I'd been paying attention

Jessie told me what this play was about.

I said, take her away!

Whenever it's convenient for you!

(IN BAD SOUTHERN ACCENT) I say, I say, Detective Beauregard is here.

With some very important information!

Detective Beauregard, you're late. And short.

(LAUGHING)

You!

Wow, she made good time with that chair.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

What do you have to say for yourself?

Line?

This woman is an imposter and a con artist!

That is disgraceful!

I do declare, I should take you to the hoosegow!

Ow! I think you ripped off a few freckles.

You!

Feel free to keep the chair.

Bye!

Okay. This is all a giant misunderstanding.

I am not a con artist!

Oh, really? What do you call a person who pretends to be

someone she's not in order to fool an audience?

An actress?

So you deny you wanted my role?

Well, no. Of course I wanted it!

But, Miss Channing, surely you can understand a young actress's desire

to have her chance in the spotlight,

just one shining moment...

As someone who was once a talented beginner yourself,

can't you find it in your heart to forgive a colleague? A fan?

Dare I say... A new friend?

Security!

Does this mean I can't go to the cast party?

We are very sorry we got you fired from the play, Jessie.

Luckily, there was no real harm done.

No harm done? Tell that to my career!

And the terrace door!

How did she even break through?

She put a flower pot on my head

and used me as a human battering ram.

I am definitely not paying my Susan Channing Fan Club dues this month.

That'll show her.

You guys know I have to punish you, right?

What you did to Susan was really wrong.

That said, thank you so much for trying to help me.

I know your hearts were in the right place.

After that crash through the door, mine may not be.

I have a heartbeat in my heinie.

Just promise me you'll never try to help me again

by holding someone against their will.

BOTH: We promise.

Unless it's for a major movie role...

In which case, use a sturdy rope in a room with no windows.

Amateurs.

Bertram, guess what?

The Sizzle Sisters got the most votes of any video,

so Emma and I won the contest!

You're kidding! But it was a disaster.

Exactly! A celebrity disaster!

"Diva Gets Dumped On" went viral.

We're right up there with those goats that scream like humans!

(SCREAMS)

Yep. That's them.

We're really sorry we stole your show, Bertram.

Yeah, me too.

Plus, I've got flour in crevices I'll never be able to reach.

Please tell me you mean behind the fridge.

To make it up to you, we're going to clean all this up.

Please, let me.

Aww, because you forgive us?

No. Because you're putting dirty plates in the oven.