Original subtitles

ALL: Aww.

I can't believe it's been seven years

since we brought Zuri home from Uganda.

So Gotcha Day is the day to celebrate the arrival of an adopted child?

Exactly.

Gotcha.

(LAUGHING)

Ew!

Bertram! This coffee table is a sticky mess.

What? I wiped it down earlier.

And I'd be delighted to do it again.

Oh, may I say, ma'am, I know you've given up modeling,

but those ankles are still runway ready.

(LAUGHS) Oh, well.

Wow. You can mop up and kiss up at the same time.

I hope you stretched first.

(BLOWING HORN)

Hear ye, hear ye.

All rise for the Gotcha Day girl.

You know her, you love her, you want to squeeze her till her pigtails pop...

Zuri Ross!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SMALL BANG)

(COUGHING)

Luke, I think you accidentally grabbed stink bombs instead of smoke bombs.

You think? My brain is melting.

I really should organize my prank bag.

I mean, this was just unprofessional.

Bertram, can you please clean this up?

You mean... The air?

I'll get right on it, ma'am.

Wow, my Gotcha Day is off to kind of a stinky start.

Oh, okay, here are the smoke bombs.

Yeah.

Oh!

For your Gotcha Day, we're getting you a label maker.

(BLOWS) Oh.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

(GASPS) What a mess!

Ooh, chili!

Five-second rule!

No, it's all dry and crusty. Oh.

Five-minute rule? No!

Morgan, I'm really busy today and I need you to be a grown-up.

Aw, nuts.

Bertram!

(GASPING)

My chili! What happened?

I just stepped away to sleep... Sweep, uh, vacuum the carpet in my bedroom.

Funny. I've noticed our vacuum sounds a lot like snoring.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Probably needs a new belt or something.

I'll make sure this gets cleaned up.

Well, good, because Zuri's Gotcha Day party does not need a chili slip and slide.

Ooh, can that be a thing?

No! Just like the zip line from our terrace to the park

can't be "a thing."

She doesn't understand your vision, sir.

I know, right?

Hey, Jess, Christina and I have to pick up Zuri's present.

Plus, we have to get decorations for Zuri's party,

sign off on my new shoe line,

and meet with the lawyers because, apparently, my new fragrance

is causing bees to attack!

I can help, you know, with Zuri's decorations,

not the whole bee attack debacle.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait. Hey, so, what did you get her?

Oh, well, it's a real big secret.

We got her a...

(SNEEZES)

Ah-ha!

Caught you, snotty-handed.

Sneezing on the stakeout. Rookie mistake.

(SNIFFS) Aw!

(GIGGLES)

Thank you so much, Jessie, for your help.

If you get stumped, here are some decorating ideas.

Stumped is not in my vocabulary.

Oh, it means to be at a loss for ideas.

Right after Zuri's Gotcha Day, we'll getcha a dictionary.

Thanks.

Mr. Kipling, finish your cricket salad

or you get no chocolate covered beetles for dessert.

Wow. You're strict.

Hey, tough love is still love.

Hey. You think you can take a break from tiger-mommying Kipling

to help me brainstorm my ideas for Zuri's party?

I want to do something different from her birthday two months ago.

As someone who was in the bouncy house with you when you threw up,

I support that.

Christina gave me this list, but it's just endless variations

of rainbows and unicorns.

For my Gotcha Day, I would like an Indian theme.

Maybe we could get some curry up in here,

a snake charmer, a Taj Mahal ice sculpture...

Ooh! That's what we should do for Zuri!

I highly doubt we can get a Taj Mahal carved in time.

Maybe a Gandhi.

No, I mean Zuri's Gotcha Day should reflect where she came from.

Africa!

Oh! Does the stork drop babies off in Africa, too?

Or is it a flamingo?

Hmm. I definitely don't get paid enough to have this conversation.

I am so sick of you kids making me look bad in front of your parents.

You make the messes. You clean them up.

I would never dump your chili on the floor.

That would be cruelty to roaches.

Save your breath. I can see the guilt all over your faces.

Uh, these are freckles.

For once, I'm innocent.

Oh, yeah, well then what's this chili on your shirt, huh?

(RETCHES) Not chili! (COUGHS)

Ew! You might as well lick a taxi cab seat.

And, FYI, you should probably get a round of shots.

You kids are driving me crazy!

Bertram, that's not our intention.

It's just a happy coincidence.

(MOCK LAUGHING)

Okay.

I think you might have gone a little overboard with all these African decorations.

Hey, no one ever got hurt by going overboard.

Tell that to the people on the Titanic.

I've gotta get all these decorations out to the terrace before Zuri gets back.

Okay.

Oh! (GRUNTS)

This lion needed to cut back on the gazelles.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ow, ow! Ow!

Ravi! Get this lion off of me!

Funny, those were also the last words of the orphanage librarian.

Oh. Hey, there's the Gotcha Day girl.

Were you trying to sneak a peek at your party decorations?

No, I know what's out there.

Unicorns, rainbows, the yoozhe! I can't wait.

And, uh, what if there were no unicorns or rainbows?

That's a world I would not want to live in.

Me neither! Gotcha! (LAUGHS)

All right, now, now, go hang out in your room until your party's ready.

Okay.

I hope I can return a gently used lion.

Done. And the happy look on Zuri's face will make up for the fact

that this tick on my neck has just drained out my blood.

Zuri didn't want Africa. She wanted the yoozhe!

She's not gonna look happy. She's gonna look like this.

She will look constipated?

No, no, that was my sad face.

See, now I understand why my drama teacher gave me a D.

And that basket of bran muffins.

(SNORING)

Aah. Wha... Look at this mess!

(GOATS BLEATING)

Oh!

What are goats doing in here?

We destroy, you clean.

It's the Circle of Messes.

No! Stop it! Stop it!

You goats are gonna get me fired!

Bertram? Bertram!

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Bertram, what are you doing?

Oh. I just had the craziest dream!

There were these four talking goats making a huge mess.

Hey, a baby goat is a kid.

I bet we are the kids in your dream!

Oh. I am so insightful.

I should totally be a seismologist.

I guess I've been so worried about getting fired because of your messes,

I... I've been sleepwalking.

More like sleep-messing!

Oh, by the way, if one of those goats in your dream was

really handsome and break-dancing, that was me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm warning you, if you ever have kids, I'll make omelets out of them.

I should've just stuck to Christina's list, but no,

I had to think outside the box!

And now there's no time to get back in the stinking box!

Jessie, calm down.

(GASPS) Maybe we could paint a rainbow over the savannah.

Or better yet, a double rainbow all the way!

That's a great idea! We can just Zuri-fy everything!

Uh...

There. That looks like a unicorn.

No, it looks like a zebra in need of immediate medical attention.

Big news! Bertram finally snapped.

Who had April in the betting pool?

Whoa! Why does the terrace look like Puerto Rico?

Oh, it's Africa!

Oh! Here, just put me out of my misery.

Just like I did to this poor chump.

Jessie, this will be good for Zuri.

I mean, we're all spoiled,

and we need to experience bitter disappointments like this.

Yeah. I think it's cool.

For my Gotcha Day party, I want lots of stuff from my birthplace.

You got it. This whole place will be covered with decorations from...

Wait, where were you born?

Oh, it's a super story.

Eight years ago, Mom, Dad, and Emma were walking in the park...

Oh, Christina, we are so blessed.

My new movie is a blockbuster smash.

And my new line of perfume is stinking up magazines all over the world.

We have everything we could ever want from life. Except...

BOTH: The child of our dreams.

Not cool, Mom and Dad. Totes not cool.

(WHOOSHING)

(CRASHING)

He's adorable!

And strong.

Hey! Watch it, Super Brat!

Mama. Daddy!

BOTH: Oh!

Can we keep him? Can we keep him?

No!

Oh, of course. We'll give him Emma's room.

No!

Emma, meet your new super brother.

EMMA: No!

Stop telling people you threw me into the sun!

Luke, are you implying that you're actually from Krypton?

Yup. You wanna go to my Fortress of Solitude?

Nope.

We adopted Luke from Detroit,

and his only superpower is the ability to clog toilets with a single poop.

Although Luke's origin story is quite fantastical,

my Gotcha Day story is amazing and true.

I remember it like it was only months ago, which it was.

Your home is like a palace.

Well, now it's your home too.

Welcome to your new room, buddy.

We hope you'll love it. But you know, it's not quite ready yet.

RAVI: Mrs. Mommy and Mr. Daddy must have thought Mr. Kipling was going to be a baby lizard,

because they bought him a small wooden cage to sleep in.

Silly them. Everyone knows rocking a lizard will put him into attack mode.

They bought him tiny outfits, a teddy bear for a chew toy, and even diapers.

I appreciated the thought, even though Mr. Kipling is more of

a boxer-briefs kind of guy.

Wait, wait. Hold the phone.

It sounds like your parents were expecting a baby

(CLEARS THROAT) Shh!

Wha... Which I'm sure is not the case.

No, I mean, like, what do I know? Nothing. I know nothing.

Luke, Emma? Is this true?

Did Mrs. Mommy and Mr. Daddy think I would be a baby?

(LUKE AND EMMA WHISTLING)

So it is true!

They wanted a baby! But I am not a baby.

(SOBS)

Hey, Ravi. Ravi, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to upset you.

What is upsetting is that my family wanted a baby instead of me!

Who told you that?

Jessie.

No, no, no, I didn't! I mean, I did, but I didn't mean to!

Curse my laser-like deductive reasoning!

I never thought I would find a family to adopt me,

and when you did, it was the happiest day of my life.

But now, I realize I was just a disappointment!

Ravi, no! You're not a disappointment.

(GROANS)

Ravi! Ravi, wait! Let us explain!

(DOOR SLAMS)

I once fired a nanny just for wearing plaid.

So imagine what I'm going to do to you!

Listen, we were gonna have to tell him sooner or later.

Thanks to Jessie, it's sooner.

We weren't going to tell Ravi until after we died!

Well, how were you going to do that?

I don't know, seance? Time machine? We hadn't worked out the details!

Ravi? Ravi?

Are you in here?

Marco?

Polo! (GRUNTS)

You tricked me. Now go away.

I'm busy pouting like the baby you wished I was.

All right, well, if you're not coming out, then I'm crawling in.

Oh. Friendly tip? Go in this side.

The other side is where Mr. Kipling does his business.

Sweetie, you know how much we love you.

I am so sorry we didn't tell you the truth earlier.

This thing's pretty cool.

We need to get one of these in our room.

Morgan!

Right after we solve this family crisis.

See, Ravi, the orphanage told us your birth date was in 2011,

so we thought we were getting a baby.

But it was a typo, 'cause you were born in 2001.

But we didn't care how old you were. We just wanted you.

And thank goodness we got you, because changing diapers is totes gross.

And plus, I couldn't play catch with a baby.

Well, not that you're great at catch.

But you play a mean game of drop.

Thank you, siblings, for trying to make me feel like I belong.

(SIGHS)

You do belong.

There is no doubt in my mind that you're the kid we were meant to have.

There is no doubt in my mind that I'm gonna cry

at this incredibly sweet family moment.

(GASPS) Thank you, Kipling.

So, yes. We were expecting a baby.

But all we really wanted was a great kid.

And you are one of the greatest kids in the whole world.

Well, it's hard to argue with such solid logic.

And now that you're here, our family is complete.

Thank you, guys. Family hug?

Mmm.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Complete? That means they're done having kids.

What is this I'm feeling? Wha... Is it? Is it?

Yes, it is. (LAUGHING) It's joy!

Joy!

Wait. There's somebody missing from this family hug.

MORGAN: Yeah.

Jessie?

Where's Zuri?

Oh, yeah, Zuri. Be right back.

Okay.

Let's get this party started!

Yeah, yeah. About that.

I'm so afraid you won't like what I've arranged for your Gotcha Day.

Everything will be okay, as long as there's cake.

Ah...

No cake?

Why do you look constipated?

Wow! Rainbows?

Unicorns?

And there is a cake!

Jessie! Epic fake-out!

It's a Gotcha Day miracle!

Thank you, Jessie.

(HORN BLOWING) Happy Gotcha Day, Zuri!

Bertram, you butlering rascal.

You were in on this, too?

(CHUCKLES) Guilty as charged.

Bertram, how did you do all this?

There's a closet full of party supplies at the ready.

And I got a cake guy on speed dial.

I can have cake in my mouth in five minutes flat. Day or night.

(BLOWS HORN)

ALL: Happy Gotcha Day!

(CHEERING)

I've gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

This is the best Gotcha Day ever! Nothing could top it.

Oh! You think so, huh? Well, that sounds like a challenge.

You got me a zebra that can operate an elevator?

I love it!

Well, actually, sweetie, there was someone in the lobby who pushed the...

You know what? Yeah, he's a really smart zebra.

Whoa, the stripes don't rub off.

Not like that painted donkey at the petting zoo my dad took me to.

He's your zebra, but he's going to live at the Central Park Zoo.

We're letting them adopt him, so actually, it's his Gotcha Day too.

ALL: Aw.

Come on, Zeebee, you can see your new home from here.

But don't look down. If Chesterfield's in her bathing suit,

she's gonna scare the stripes off of you.

The coolest pet I ever got as a kid was a hamster that could sniff out land mines.

He, he wasn't very good. Rest in peace, Captain Nibbles.

Now, you're probably wondering why the terrace looks like Jumanji .

I'm really...

It's fantastic!

...sorry I didn't show it to you sooner. Ta-da!

This is so amazing!

Totally.

Everything here reminds me of Uganda.

Except for maybe this.

It's a unicorn from where I'm from.

It's a zebra-corn!

It's so cool!

Aw.

Thank you, Jessie.

Oh. I'm just thankful to be working for such a wonderful family.

Hey, honey, look.

It's your mom.

(LAUGHING)

That's not funny. That's not funny.

I can't wait to see what Jessie's gonna do for Luke's Gotcha Day.

Oh, I've got Detroit covered.

I'm thinking some muscle cars and a Detroit River kiddy pool and, ooh!

Maybe we can rent Eminem for the night?

Well, that's all great. But um, I actually told Luke he was from Krypton.

Was that wrong?

There. Spotless.

There's not a speck of kid debris left.

Aah! The cushions!

It's the goats again!

I must be dreaming.

That's right, citizen. You are dreaming.

Time to make a super mess.

No! No! No! Aah!

Goats! Mess! Mess!

(GIGGLING)

He's definitely dreaming about us.

Maybe we should wake him.

Nah. Let him sleep.

He's getting more exercise than he does when he's awake.

No!

(BLEATING)