Original subtitles

JESSIE: Bertram? Working.

Bertram working?

I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me.

I'm on it. Hands off it!

Hey, I just saw the strangest thing.

Bertram doing his job.

Dad must be home!

Dad! Hey, bud!

And Jessie! Great, you're all here.

Oh, boy, guys. I missed you all so much.

I thought my heart was gonna...

Was gonna...

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(HEART BEATING)

(LAUGHING)

Burst.

Great one, Dad.

Mr. Daddy has a million of these shenanigans.

Word to the wise. If he asks you to pull his finger, say no.

I actually do have something to tell you guys.

You've seen Vampires in the Mist, right?

Only a gajillion times. Jordan Taylor is my screen saver,

my wallpaper, and my password!

Forget what I said about my password.

Well, try to stay calm.

He might be in my next movie.

(ALL GASP)

O-M-G! Jordan Taylor!

I gotta go text!

Emma, that door is closed.

That calmed her right down.

I'll take care of this, sir.

And I'll bring back an ice pack.

Jordan Taylor, huh?

Maybe Emma could meet him. I would go with her,

of course, just to make sure she doesn't go all crazy.

Well, we're all going to meet him.

He's gonna be staying here for the weekend. (ALL GASP)

Here? With us?

Room... Getting... Darker...

This is why I'm not looking forward to puberty.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Okay, listen, guys, this is really important. Okay?

If Jordan decides to be in my next movie,

this could be my first real shot at an Oscar.

And high time too, sir. You should have won for Monkey Maniac 2.

Wow, that man could suck up Lake Michigan.

Jordan has insisted on staying with us for the weekend

because he wants to get to know me.

He wants to make sure he can trust me.

I am all about trust, too.

Jordan and I have so much in common.

(SIGHS)

But it has to be a complete secret that he's here, okay?

Jordan is obsessed with his privacy.

He likes privacy? I like privacy!

It's like we're the same person!

Now, while he's here, I need everyone to act natural.

And to make sure that happens, here are some notes on how to act.

I'm supposed to get along with Emma?

I'm not that good an actor.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

TONY: Hey, Rosses.

There's someone here to see you.

Says his name's Rufus T. Firefly.

Rufus is Jordan Taylor's code name.

BOTH: I'll go bring him up!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Whoa!

(EMMA SNICKERING)

I'll take the service stairs!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

They're acting like Rascal Flatts is down there.

So I'm into country. Sue me.

I cannot wait to tell people that we're hanging out with Jordan Taylor!

But Mr. Daddy said we are not supposed to tell anyone.

Oh, please. I have to do something to impress people.

Second grade is cutthroat.

There's a girl who can pick her nose with her tongue!

Ugh.

But we can't just say we hang with Jordan.

We need proof.

Maybe something cool might fall out of his suitcase.

And right into our sticky, little fingers.

I just polished my Audience Choice Award.

Stand around the award!

(ELEVATOR CHIMES)

Look natural!

Jordan! Welcome!

Morgan!

Girls, please, give him some space.

Hmm, he is not as handsome as I thought he would be.

He resembles a goat Mr. Kipling once devoured.

I'm sorry for this silly disguise. (CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

Fame can...

be a cage.

BOTH: Aw!

Still not understanding all the hoopla.

Ahem.

Hi, Jordan. I'm 12-year-old Luke,

a loveable scamp who enjoys stamp collecting, homework,

and behaving myself?

I'll go get your suitcase.

Thanks, but it's heavy.

We'll lighten it up for you.

I mean, we'll take it to your room.

I think I played that off okay.

I'll take a nice, big slice of Jordan.

Me, too. Dibs on the dimple!

Guys, all this fuss over me?

Look, I'm no different than any other

sensitive 19-year-old who makes 20 million dollars a film

and kicks it with Coldplay.

You know who else is sensitive?

And trustworthy? And a great director? Morgan.

(CHUCKLING) Bertram, stop.

(MOUTHING)

And he also has great taste in nannies.

(CHUCKLING)

(STAMMERS)

Oh!

It's like half a grapefruit.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Jordan, I am so sorry, but I really have to take this.

JORDAN: (ON TABLET) Hey, punk! Look out! Stop!

Oh, hey, are you watching my movie Tilt-a-Whirl of Terror?

Yes. I have been told you are an actor of subtle intensity.

And yet, all you do in this film is shout,

"Hey, punk! Look out!" And "Stop!"

Yeah, you see, I tried to give "stop" a lot of layers.

Like commanding. "Stop!" And compassionate. "Stop!"

(GASPS)

And desperate, yet cynical. "Stop!"

Oh!

See?

Ah...

Oh! Look, your face is on that cake.

Jordan, I really hate to leave,

but the money guys just called an emergency meeting

downtown about the movie.

Better you than me. I'm not in it for the money.

I want to be an artist.

You know what, my friend? The artists want to be you!

Listen, I'll be right back. Make sure they behave, okay?

My entire career is riding on this.

So is yours. Hmm.

No pressure.

I'm on it.

Jordan, you have a little bit of your nose on your cheek.

(GIGGLING)

Emma.

I'm sorry, she's just really excited to see you.

All right, Jessie, quit trying to steal Jordan from me!

You're ruining my chance at happiness!

You're 13! Your happiness should come from

cherry-flavored lip gloss and unicorn stickers.

I love Jordan more than you do!

Have you been in my room? I don't see any

Jordan poster pull-out pages on your walls.

That's because I keep my Jordan shrine in the closet.

Like a mature person.

See?

He might fall in love with me if you'd just back off!

Emma, I could back all the way to New Jersey.

That will not change the fact that you're too young for him!

You wanna fight me for him, granny?

Let's go!

May the best woman win.

Suits me. 'Cause I'm the only woman in the room.

Hey! Hey!

Now you're the only woman in the closet!

Emma, I'm gonna count to three and you better let me out!

One! Two! Three!

Four! Five!

I have a horrible feeling she left.

There's nothing cool here. It's just clothes.

And Jordan's bath ducky. (QUACKS)

That's not gonna give me any playground cred.

(DUCK QUACKS)

Whoa! Hold the phone.

His phone! Boo-yah!

Check out his contact list.

It's everyone from Amy Adams to Rachel Zoe.

We should probably put that back.

Right after we call every person on there.

Yeah! Yeah!

Ooh! A-Rod.

Hi, this is Ima.

Ima Fraid You Can't Hit Worth Beans!

Prince William! I'm calling him.

Ugh, voice mail.

Hello, Your Highness, this is Jordan Taylor's assistant.

He wishes me to inform you that you're a doody-head!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

JESSIE: Ninety-nine, 100. Now I'm mad!

Huh. I should have done that a hundred ago.

(GRUNTS)

Well played, Emma.

(WHISTLES) Yo! Window washer!

I'd like a ride!

And I'd like a job near a bathroom. So I guess we're both out of luck.

I'll give you 10 bucks. Hop on.

Whoa! That's a long way down.

(SQUEAKING)

(SCREAMS) A rat!

What are you doing? Come on!

(SQUEALING)

(SCREAMS) Catch me!

(INDISTINCT)

BOTH: Whoa!

(SOBS)

(JESSIE EXCLAIMING)

What are you doing?

Quick question.

Where do you go to the bathroom up here?

You're tearing me apart!

Pretty good, huh?

Well, you are no Shah Rukh Khan.

He is an Indian actor.

Underline "actor."

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, Jordan.

Sorry, what?

I said... (TURNS OFF MUSIC)

(WITH DRAMATIC ACCENT) Hello, Jordan.

Whoa!

(SCREAMS)

(STRAINING)

(PANTING)

Thanks for the help.

Locked. Of course.

(SQUEAKING)

You again. Although I like you better than him.

Yes.

Hey... (CHUCKLING) Just...

Emma. Jordan.

You are the girl of my dreams.

I know.

Please, say you'll be mine or I don't know what I'll do.

Please, please, please, please, please...

Please, get away from me, little girl!

You don't understand. We're soul mates.

I took a quiz in Leopard Beat that proves it!

You're 13! I'm 19!

But I'm tall for my age!

Whoa!

Are you okay?

(GRUNTING)

I will be, as soon as I'm away from you!

So you'll text me?

He's never going to text me.

Oh...

Sweetie, are you okay?

I guess so.

Good.

(SHOUTING) Are you crazy?

What kind of a person locks another person

in a closet and makes them climb out of a window

where they have to do the splits 30 floors up?

And I'm not even gonna bring up the rat!

Sorry.

Inadequate apology accepted.

And now that I've gotten that out of the way, come here.

Don't be sad.

You're an incredible person,

and before you know it,

you're gonna be breaking hearts the way Luke breaks wind.

Constantly and everywhere.

I guess we've both been pretty silly today, huh?

Like Jordan would look at either one of us.

True. I mean, I'm just a kid, and you're just...

You.

Hey, Jordan. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) We found your cell phone.

Thanks, I was looking for that. Where'd you find it?

In the bathroom. In the couch.

In the couch in the bathroom.

Huh. I didn't notice a couch in the bathroom.

Well, start paying attention!

Jordan, I'm sorry if Emma was bothering you.

Oh, no problem. But I wouldn't mind if you bothered me.

Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?

(SQUEALING) Me?

(STAMMERING)

How about you just hold that thought for a second.

Ooh!

Hey, Emma! Hey.

Remember that time we were saying Jordan would never

want to go out with us? Well, he just asked me out to dinner.

You cool with that? Thanks.

What?

I'm sorry! He asked me.

Okay, look. If it really bothers you, I won't go out with him.

It really bothers me.

Too bad!

It's Jordan Taylor! What would you do if you were me?

Well, I guess... I'd go out with him.

Thanks.

You know, that's really nice of you.

Hey, Leopard Beat Tattle Tiger,

guess where Jordan Taylor is right this minute.

Have fun on your date, Jessie.

Whoa! You look beautiful. You going to a funeral or something?

No. I had an emergency salon session.

I have a date with Rufus T. Firefly.

That bum? I've stepped in things that look better than him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't come in here!

What's wrong, Jessie? Is the lobby a little crowded with

Jordan Taylor fans?

You told people Jordan is here?

You risked destroying your dad's movie just to ruin my date?

Well, gee, when you put it that way it sounds awful.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

TONY: Building-wide alert!

The paparazzi are coming! The paparazzi are coming!

Tell my ma I love... (GROANING)

(GIRLS SHRIEKING)

You're not leaving. You're going down with the rest of the family.

We're here to help. If they want a piece of Jordan Taylor,

they can have his boring clothes!

Don't throw his tighty-whities till you see the whites of their eyes!

Jordan's not here, but you can have his clothes!

And his ducky!

It's working! The beast is feeding!

Isn't this nicer than a restaurant?

It's so peaceful and private.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

What's that?

I don't hear anything!

It's the paparazzi! Coming for me!

Not necessarily.

There's a girl downstairs who looks just like Justin Bieber.

They're probably trying to get a picture of her.

Okay, so it is you.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Ow!

Sorry, Dad. She thought you were a crazed fan.

No, I didn't. I just like throwing stuff.

What is going on?

First, I have to fight my way through photographers,

now these crazed fans. They stole my watch!

And my left sock!

Someone in your family ratted me out to the press.

You all betrayed me!

Jordan, I'm sorry, but let's not overreact here.

Yeah! It's not that bad.

Jordan! Jordan!

(ALL CLAMORING)

So this bothers you?

I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Prince William!

What? No! Why would I call you a doody-head?

That was weird.

Jordan, I'm sorry... No, Morgan.

Okay, I'm out of here.

I'm gonna go pack my stuff.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

That's not gonna take long.

All right, who told the world that Jordan was here?

I did it.

I was so excited about having a date with Jordan

I couldn't resist texting Darla back home.

She must have put it on the Internet,

which apparently spreads private information.

Jessie, I told everybody to keep it a secret!

I know. And I'm really, really sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I tipped off Leopard Beat to ruin Jessie's date

with Jordan.

Jessie was lying to protect me.

Actually, I wasn't lying. I really did tell Darla. Blabbermouth.

And I may have posted something

about hanging out with my "best bud" Jordan.

And I told Millie the Mermaid, and she can't keep her mouth shut.

I may have told a few people in Central Park.

And the entire Indian subcontinent.

Well, I am a little disappointed in all of you.

But not that disappointed,

because I told all the guys at my gym, so...

(MOANING)

It's so beautiful how you all came clean to protect each other.

You know, I really can't blame you.

I'd tell if I was staying with me, too!

Wait, so, does this mean you're gonna be in Morgan's movie?

Absolutely. (ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm just loving all this love.

Congratulations, sir.

Celebratory hot chocolate all around.

Bertram, you work too hard. Take the week off.

If you insist, sir.

Yes!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hello, Mr. President.

No, I did not call you a poopy-pants.

That crazy mob tore off my epaulets!

You know what? Your hair still looks great.

And I'm going to make sure to mention you when I win my Oscar.

Thanks, Mr. Ross.

My pleasure, Timmy.

I made the kids some "thank goodness we're not famous" cookies.

(GASPS)

Oh, my goodness! I cannot believe I did that! I feel terrible!

Hey! I'm sorry! Have some cookies!