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LOVE LIFE

1910

Throughout human history,

sex without love has been prudishly regarded as a shameful act.

And yet still it happens every single day.

The instructions say washing it in a warm bath of milk

is the best manner in which to prevent disease.

That's no matter, I use it frequently. I will rinse it when I return home.

With advancements in prophylactic technology, finally there was

a comfortable barrier that protected from pregnancy and infection.

I'll write you.

And so all that was left to suffer from, was the pain of unrequited love.

THREE DANNY TWO PHONES

2015 A YEAR AFTER BRADLEY

Lately Darby had been avoiding the landmines of love entirely

by hiding out and exploring Porn Hub.

Does anybody want breakfast? I'm gonna...

Darby?

Holy shit, hi.

Oh my god. What...

what are you doing in my neighborhood?

I was just getting some coffee here.

Cool, are you...

back in New York? Did Politico send you back?

No, no, I actually, I quit.

Okay, that's amazing.

- Hi, I'm Emily. - So sorry...

Darby, this is Emily... Emily, Darby.

It's so good to meet you.

So what are you doing now that you're not in politics?

Are you gonna take up golf or something?

Well actually, Emily writes short stories and...

we thought it'd be cool to trek out a camper van and drive around America.

Coast to coast.

My thesis at Gallatin was "The Road as a Trope,"

so I just think I want to do a little more writing on that.

- See if I can... - She's an amazing writer.

Oh what are you up to? Are you still working on...

Oh no, I'm at the Whitney now.

- Nice, what are you doing there? - What am I not doing?

- I'd really... I'd love to... - It was so good to see you.

- Yes. Totally, great to see you. - And good luck with everything.

Hey, it was so good to meet you.

So good to meet you too. Just have the most fun.

You too. All right, see ya.

- I live this way. - Oh, yeah.

Babe, please can you get dressed?

Do I have to come to the bris?

My mom asked us to get there early, so we could help her with the party.

Just tell her I'm sick. Please.

Oh come on, it won't be all bad, the mohel, he's kind of famous,

he did Jake Gyllenhaal.

We go uptown to your family's every weekend.

We were literally there 12 hours ago for shabbat.

You have to come. My mother got you almonds milk.

Guys.

- Something really bad just happened. - What?

- I ran into Augie. - No.

Yeah, for the first time in three years.

- How did he look? - Great.

Yeah, he's in New York now, I guess,

which I would know if I hadn't unfollowed him.

And then I wouldn't have been blindsided while wearing crocs.

You know, no one ever talks about the perils of not cyber stalking an ex.

And he has a new girlfriend.

What the fuck, Jim? Did you know Augie had a new girlfriend?

No. I'm not his fucking biographer.

Yeah, he quit Politico

and he and Emily are gonna travel America in a camper van.

Yeah, and I'm just wondering

what it says that he broke up with me to pursue his career, which is fine.

But then he gave up his career for this new, for this other person.

Okay baby girl, do you know what you need?

My co-worker Eliza is having a barbecue and you have to come.

- Gonorrhea Eliza? - No. I told you not to tell anyone.

- Whatever, it's just gonorrhea. - Anyway, she throws an awesome party.

Babe, doesn't Eliza like, party enough at work?

James, we work at Webster Hall, it's a music venue, it's our job to party.

Sara, seriously, we promised my mom.

And what about what Rabbi Esther said last week about tikkun olam?

We need to like, repair the wrongs in the world.

Darby needs me to tikkun olam her with lots of free vodka.

You both are welcome to come.

I think I would rather go to a bris than a barbecue.

Okay, you don't know what you're saying, just go get dressed.

Okay.

Do you think that when Augie and I were texting like,

he knew it was bullshit the whole time. Was he just placating me with emojis?

Why do you always think of the darkest option?

I don't know. I don't think he's like, this freaked out about running into me.

Time for some medicine.

Look, what you need right now is a good old-fashioned exorcism.

But instead of the old priest, it's a young hot guy

and instead of a cross, it's a dick. Instead of holy water it's...

Whatever this catholic kink is, please work out with Jim,

do some role plays. Just leave me out of it.

Whatever metaphor you want to use,

it's time for mama to put on her big girl pants.

- Am I mama? - Yeah, mama.

- This? - No. Mama. What?

Okay...

All right, there's guys here.

And a lot of basic girls so you get in there my beautiful wierdo.

Whoa, I didn't know there'd be movie stars here.

- That dude wants to hit it. - That dude's wearing a gold chain.

This is fucked up. But I wish Jim wasn't close to his family.

- It's like constant. - Yeah, it sounds abusive.

Look, if you went to as many brises as I do, you'd feel the same way.

- I could like perform a bris. - Oh my god.

Right now, find me a baby dick and I'll do it. I'll show you how it's done.

And he's always like,

"Why don't you hold this cute little baby? It's so cute, hold it."

And I'm like, "I don't like the implications."

- The implications? - Yeah.

That your boyfriend loves you

and maybe sees a future with you that involves babies.

Darby, do not guilt trip me right now.

I'm not, he sounds like a monster, get away as fast as you can.

Mamala, where do you want me to put the rugelach?

- Just over there on the sideboard. - Okay.

It's a shame Sara couldn't come, she loves my rugelach.

I know, but she got called into a concert for work,

but she sends her love.

You're killing your mother.

Auntie DeeDee is kicking her butt in the grandkids department.

Okay dad, but we're not really ready yet.

Just have one now and we'll take care of it until you're ready.

Where is Sara?

I made that kale salad she loves, the one with the cranberries.

She got called into a concert at work, she sends her love.

Sara's not here, it's your cousin's bris.

Folks! Sara my girlfriend, she sends her love.

Darby avoided mingling by stalking Augie's new girlfriend on Instagram.

And while years later, she would come to understand the often large gap

between the way people present themselves on social media

and what their lives are really like,

this stream of selfies simply made Darby, to put it colloquially,

feel like shit.

What's that? Oh, what, it's a party?

People should put their phones away, have a good time?

Thanks, can you give me phone back?

Sorry, I thought it would be cute.

Okay, just don't take other people's shit.

Damn, all right, I said I'm sorry.

Spin the bottle, wow.

Hi, come here.

This is definitely what you should be doing right now. Yeah, he's cute.

- Oh my god, he's so hot. - Fingers crossed, good luck to you.

- Okay. - Have fun.

All right.

That's for you, friend.

- This is fun. - My lips are tingling.

In a really nice way.

Yeah, it seemed like you were enjoying yourself.

I mean, are you okay?

No, I think I've gotta go, I don't want Jim to feel bad.

Sara, don't leave me here.

You know what, you go forth and you get on that dick wagon.

- It is your destiny. - Very upset by the 'dick wagon'.

- Just giddy up and... - Don't, I don't like the phrase...

you just get on that little dick wagon and you just...

Stop, stop, stop.

Just stay, have fun, live for me.

Nice to meet you guys, see you later.

Hey, what the fuck?

Oh fuck, sorry. Can you not look?

Sorry for intruding on your public urination, which is a crime.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, fuck, there's a nail!

- You okay? - Yep, just cut myself.

- Fuck, it's really bleeding. - Let me see.

It's fine, it's fine.

Oh god.

My apartment's right downstairs, I've got some peroxide we can put on that.

No I'm fine, I'm fine, I'll just go find a towel or a napkin or something.

- You gonna find a towel or a napkin? - I don't know.

Okay, yes. Can I get cleaned up, thank you, that's a very sweet offer.

- I'm Danny. Hi. - Hi, I'm Darby.

I'm the idiot who cut her leg.

This is me.

You better not try to murder me, okay. I'm armed.

Trying to blind yourself. Jesus.

Hi.

Ssh, baby's sleeping.

Sorry, sorry.

- Babes, you made it. - Yeah, hi.

What a wonderful surprise, Jim said you had to work late.

Oh yeah.

Well, the entertainment industry, just out there, saving lives.

- Thanks for coming. - You look pleased.

Sara, can I get you something to drink? I have your almond milk.

Oh, you know what, I'm good thank you.

I tell Jim every day, Sara, you're the only thing he did right.

I tell him that too Diane.

Oh my gosh, how was the bris?

Everyone except Todd seemed to have a good time.

- Great. - Do you want to hold Todd?

No, no, no, I don't want to, I have to use the bathroom anyway.

He loves being rocked.

Well I was actually just gonna get a plate first.

- But you should hold the baby. - I'll come back after. Stop.

- Sorry. - Fuck, fuck!

All right.

I don't think that's gonna scar but

maybe put aloe vera on it for a week.

Okay.

- Thank you. - There you go.

- It still fucking hurts though, Jesus. - I got Ibuprofen.

Shouldn't take it on an empty stomach though, you had food tonight?

I had a bloody Mary that had celery in it.

Yum. How about I make you a little plate, I got nice olives,

I've got mozzarella.

- Yeah, okay, that sounds good. - Yeah? Great.

So what's the deal with this creepy empty room?

I used to live here with my girlfriend and when she broke up with me,

she took all the furniture. So.

I'm sorry, that sucks. Oh you got two phones, so you're a drug dealer?

That's actually a very hurtful stereotype.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

All right, here we go.

Whoa, this is very artfully arranged.

- This is amazing. - I used to work at a deli.

Good? Good? All right, come on, sit, what do you want?

The bed, the lawn chair, you've got options.

I guess that lawn chairs are better for digestion.

All right, lawn chair it is.

Wow, dinner and a show.

Sorry. I get crazy OCD with the chin ups.

How many do you do like, every day?

Like 100. Actually, like exactly, 100.

- What? - I've got a lot of nervous energy.

- A 100? - That's not that many.

Ah no, when we used to do those presidential fitness tests,

I couldn't even do one. I would just like get up there and just hang.

- You can do a chin up. - I absolutely cannot.

Come on, now petite people are very good at chin ups.

That's a very hurtful stereotype.

Come here and put that done for a second.

- I can't. - All right, hop up.

- Hop up, really? - Okay fine, may I?

There you go. One, you got one more, you got one more.

All right, sorry, you had to do an even number or else the world will blow up.

- Oh, is that how it works? - There you go.

Wow, your hair smells really nice.

Oh, thank you. Yes, I have this hair mask thing that I use.

I can't even look at rugelach without gaining ten pounds.

Come on Ruth, you look like you're about to blow away.

Am I gonna have to force-feed you some of this lox right here?

Oh you really know how to make an old broad's day.

- How have you been? - Oh, I'm hanging in there.

- I redid the bathrooms. - Okay.

Although I don't know why, they're gonna stick me in a home soon enough.

Stop it, that is not true.

I've been going downhill since Richard passed.

He was the real life in the house.

Do you know I never cooked a meal since two years into our marriage.

He got so tired of my terrible cooking.

He said one day, "Step aside, this is my job now."

Yeah I remember, you told me that.

And he never made me feel guilty about it.

Yeah, he was a real winner. 55 years of marriage.

I hope to have that with Jim one day.

Sara, let him go if you don't want him.

Life's too short.

I love Jim.

So, what do you do?

I work at the Whitney Museum.

Whoa. Fancy.

- Yeah, I guess. - My god.

I'm a curator.

Really? God, that's crazy. You know I've never been there before.

Never been to Ellis Island either, I guess.

Well, I'm a junior curator.

Hey, you're the only person I know with like, a fancy job like that.

It's awesome.

Yeah, I mean it's not a big deal. What do you do?

Long term, me and my cousin are in the process of trying to start

a bagel shop. So.

Cool. I love bagels.

You know, you're very beautiful.

And look, sorry if I was a little rusty, it's been a while since Bri.

So how long has it been since you guys broke up?

Three years.

- Okay. That's a long time. - I know, I'm a freak.

That's the deal with the second phone by the way,

it's got all her voicemails on it from before she fell out of love with me.

And I don't know how to transfer the messages.

So now I'm just paying for two phones like a fucking tool.

That's a sad story, Danny two phones.

Danny two phones, I like that. Yeah.

You should get rid of that phone, you know. Like, it's holding you back.

Like, start over, you'll feel better.

Gosh, right. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I should delete this shit, I should just, I should move on.

Yo baby, I'm still stuck at work right now.

No, no, no, no, don't do this.

- Stay with me, come on. - Oh man.

Hey, listen, she's not coming back, right?

- You know what, fuck Brianna. - Yeah, fuck Brianna.

- Fuck Brianna. - Never liked her.

I'm throwing this shit out the window.

Holy shit. Oh my god, are you actually gonna do it?

- Oh my god, is she doing this? - Dude, I believe in you.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do it, right, all right.

Holy shit.

Nothing but net! I'm Danny fucking one phone now, baby!

Yeah you are. Oh my god!

- How do you feel? - God, I feel fucking great.

- Yeah. - I feel like a weight's been lifted.

Yeah, good.

Hey, do you believe in fate?

Because I feel like I met you for a reason.

I mean, even at that party, you stood out to me

and I took the D train today, I never take the D train. Never.

What does the D train have to do with?

D for Darby.

- Oh, or D for Danny? - No.

Or dalmations or...

No, I met you for a reason and it's oh my god,

it's crazy how your whole life can change in a night.

- Hey. - Hey, I'll hold him.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Okay, sit down there. - Okay. You'll sit.

- He likes to be upright. - Okay.

All right.

Oh, he loves you.

Oh my god babe, you look so hot.

I gotta Instagram this, hold on.

So cute.

- Do you smell that? - No.

- For real? - Yeah, I think he, I think he pooped.

It's getting so late. I know, I hate to...

- All right, I understand. - Yeah, and I have work in the morning.

Right, right.

Hey, do you know Andrew Dice Clay?

- No, who's that? - Oh, he's this amazing comedian.

He's got a show on Saturday

and we could do dinner beforehand.

And I got my cousin's car, 'cause he's out of town for the whole month.

So, you wouldn't even have to take the train, I could swoop you, say yes.

- Saturday's not good. - Oh man.

What about Friday? Friday's bucket hat night at the Mets' game.

You know what's so fucking crazy?

This is so fucking crazy and I'm sorry I didn't say anything before.

I'm actually moving to Cleveland on Monday.

Cleveland? You're trading the Whitney for Cleveland?

Yeah, they, they offered me this big job at the Cleveland Museum of Art

and this party was kind of my last hurrah in the city.

I should have said something before but I didn't want to ruin the kind of vibe.

Damn.

- Yeah I know. - I finally met someone good.

- I'm sorry. - No, no, I mean, don't be sorry.

No, I'm really glad I met you.

Yeah, me too. Me too.

I should really get going though.

Let me at least give you a ride home, my cousin's car a BMW.

No, I'm like right by the subway so.

Bye, Danny.

Bye, my little Thumbelina.

Bye.

- Hey, good morning. - Oh, you were up late.

Yeah, things got interesting after your spin the bottle dude.

- Hey gals, care to join me on a run? - No.

All right, fine, then I am listening to cereal.

So how was it?

I fucked the gold chain guy.

Yeah, definitely a one-time thing.

- What up, casual Darby. - Yeah, one-time thing. One-time thing.

I don't know,

I got to be this whole other person

and I told him that I was a curator

and I like, inflated my whole life,

'cause it felt really good to have somebody look at me and think that

I was so impressive and just like, oh my god, wow.

Yeah. Well, lying is a really powerful self-help tool.

Yeah. I also told him I was moving to Cleveland.

Oh my god.

It was in self-defense. I was worried he was gonna get obsessed with me.

- Poor guy. - Yeah.

I mean, he'll be fine. He got to fuck me. Like, he'll live.

- True. - Yeah.

The encounter with Danny had boosted Darby's wounded ego

and given her a much needed bounce in her step.

She went on with her life giving Danny very little thought

as men had so often done to her.

Shit.

Darby?

- Danny! - Oh my god.

- This... wow. - Hi.

Hi.

What happened to Cleveland, did you change your mind?

No, no, I'm going...

The apartment I was renting, like, it's been so crazy.

The landlord, you know.

- Well you know. - Yeah.

Right?

So are you the curator of headhpones or?

Yeah, just working, just...

What are you doing here?

After we met, I just kinda wanted to check this place out.

I know I don't really know you but I still felt proud

and I thought this might make me feel closer to you

even though I knew that you wouldn't be here anymore. Except here you are.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's wild.

Hey, do you wanna grab a bite after work?

I have a dinner thing tonight,

but I just remembered I have to grab something from my cubicle.

- But it was so good to see you. - I get it, I'm not an idiot.

- What do you get? - You're lying.

My whole family's liars, I can tell when someone's lying to my face.

- Is Darby even your real name? - Yes, yes, it's Darby Carter.

Okay, it's just...

You're the first person I've touched since Brianna.

I'm sorry, that's a lot. I don't, it was a moment.

Haven't you ever been caught up in a moment?

I'm not a moment. I'm a person.

And I helped you when you were hurt and you like, what do you do,

you used me like some kind of sex robot.

I thought guys wanted to be treated like sex robots?

Nice, that's really nice.

I'm sorry this isn't a big deal.

We slept together one time, I don't owe you anything.

I get to decide who I fuck and who I love and whatever.

Fine, you don't owe me anything. But you still fucking hurt me.

Darby Carter. Whoever you are.

In truth she knew exactly how he felt.

And she hated hurting him.

Danny.

I'm sorry.

Still it was nice to know that she could be the one who left.

That she could be the one who got away.

I think staying at a hotel defeats the purpose of the whole campervan thing.

I'm not talking about every night, just like some nights.

Like, every night in the van, that's gonna be kind of intense.

We're camping, of course it's intense.

Get it. In tents.

- Augie. - So good.

- Darby! - Hey, guys.

My god. I'm surprised you guys are still in town.

- Oh we leave tomorrow, actually. - Trying to be in Taos by Labor Day.

How's everything going with you Darb, how's the Whitney or the Moma?

The Whitney, it's great. But I've actually gotta run, like, ironically,

- I've got a job interview. - Nice. What are you interviewing for?

It's this assistant gig but it's in an auction house which could be fun.

- Cool. Good luck. - Thanks.

- Good luck to you guys. - Thank you.

So exciting, tomorrow's the big launch?

- Yeah, yeah. Out on the road. - So exciting, bye.

- Bye. - See ya.

Hi, I will have a tequila.

Babe. You gonna help me? Come on.