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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:07,507 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:24,041 JOKER: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen. 3 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:25,918 PENGUIN: That'll be a first. 4 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,964 So I hear you-know-who nailed the Mad Hatter last week. 5 00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:31,674 JOKER: No kidding? 6 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,385 He sure gets around, for one guy. 7 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,512 TWO-FACE: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. 8 00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:38,681 I don't think it is one guy. 9 00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:39,974 KILLER CROC: Huh? 10 00:01:40,057 --> 00:01:43,603 TWO-FACE: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace 11 00:01:43,894 --> 00:01:45,062 like a SWAT team. 12 00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:48,482 He wants you to think it's one guy, but-- 13 00:01:48,649 --> 00:01:50,443 JOKER: No, you're always seeing double. 14 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,778 PENGUIN: It's obvious our caped friend suffered 15 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,615 some crime-related trauma when he was younger. 16 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:59,619 Perhaps an overanxious mugger blew off a piece of his face. 17 00:02:00,369 --> 00:02:04,707 JOKER: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask. 18 00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:06,751 No offense, Harv. 19 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:08,836 TWO-FACE: Just deal. 20 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,422 Well, you know what I think. 21 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:15,009 Not the robot theory again. 22 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,719 Well, he could be. 23 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,056 POISON IVY: Hello, boys. 24 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:24,977 Get me an herbal tea and deal me in. 25 00:02:25,853 --> 00:02:26,854 Scram, lady. 26 00:02:27,855 --> 00:02:29,398 This is a private-- 27 00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:30,650 (GRUNTS) 28 00:02:32,943 --> 00:02:34,153 Why, you little-- 29 00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,992 Poison Ivy. 30 00:02:40,826 --> 00:02:42,286 It's been a long time, Harvey. 31 00:02:42,828 --> 00:02:44,914 You're still looking halfway decent. 32 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:49,460 - Half of me wants to strangle you. - And what does the other half want? 33 00:02:49,835 --> 00:02:51,504 To hit you with a truck. 34 00:02:52,004 --> 00:02:53,297 We used to date. 35 00:02:53,547 --> 00:02:54,674 BOTH: Ah. 36 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:58,719 What brings such a dainty dove to this dismal den? 37 00:02:58,803 --> 00:02:59,845 - (PATRON GRUNTING) - (OBJECTS SMASHING) 38 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:03,307 Running from the law. And the Batman, too, of course. 39 00:03:03,849 --> 00:03:05,226 - Of course. - Likewise. 40 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,895 - You got it. - KILLER CROC: Same here. 41 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,272 You'd think one of us would've got him by now. 42 00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:11,774 I've come the closest. 43 00:03:12,149 --> 00:03:14,443 Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly-- 44 00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:16,028 - (BANGS ON TABLE) - Nobody's come closer to 45 00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,155 snuffing the Batman than me. 46 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,157 PENGUIN: In your dreams. KILLER CROC: Says you. 47 00:03:20,449 --> 00:03:21,867 Get out of my face. 48 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,285 (JOKER WHISTLES) 49 00:03:23,452 --> 00:03:24,870 The fact of the matter is, 50 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:28,124 we each have an "almost got him" Batman story. 51 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:32,169 I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway. 52 00:03:32,628 --> 00:03:36,132 I'd say, "Ladies first," but since we don't have any... 53 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:38,926 (CHUCKLES) We'll start with you, Pam. 54 00:03:39,343 --> 00:03:42,471 All right. This happened last Halloween. 55 00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:44,140 I had rigged hundreds of pumpkins 56 00:03:44,306 --> 00:03:46,684 to blow out poison-ivy gas when they were lit. 57 00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:58,904 I knew Batman would show as soon as Gotham started scratching. 58 00:03:59,321 --> 00:04:01,699 In fact, I was counting on it. 59 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,081 (MATCHSTICK STRIKING) 60 00:04:13,794 --> 00:04:15,337 Trick or treat. 61 00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:19,633 (GASPS) 62 00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:21,135 (COUGHING) 63 00:04:27,099 --> 00:04:28,100 (GROANS) 64 00:04:29,059 --> 00:04:31,812 It's midnight, darling. Time to unmask. 65 00:04:46,285 --> 00:04:47,411 (GASPS) 66 00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:49,747 BATMAN: Poison gas... 67 00:04:50,831 --> 00:04:52,291 It's just the darnedest thing. 68 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:55,628 I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins, 69 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,507 the pain and suffering of others. Go figure. Bye. 70 00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:00,633 (BLOWS KISS) 71 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:03,719 (COUGHING) 72 00:05:06,972 --> 00:05:08,224 (ENGINE WHIRRING) 73 00:05:20,861 --> 00:05:21,862 (YELPS) 74 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,719 And that's how I almost got him. 75 00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:48,639 With exploding pumpkins. 76 00:05:49,181 --> 00:05:51,225 I'd like to hear you do better. 77 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:55,312 Oh, you will, but I'm saving the best for last. 78 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,690 Can't be better than mine. 79 00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:00,693 There was this time I had just robbed the Gotham Mint 80 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:03,195 of $2 million in $2 bills. 81 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:09,076 Lucky for me, I brought along the Two-Ton Gang. 82 00:06:10,452 --> 00:06:12,079 (BATMAN GRUNTING) 83 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:19,879 The coin says you lose, Batman. 84 00:06:20,629 --> 00:06:21,714 Tie him up. 85 00:06:21,797 --> 00:06:24,633 And just so you don't get any ideas... 86 00:06:28,053 --> 00:06:29,054 (BATMAN GROWLS) 87 00:06:33,642 --> 00:06:37,021 We'll see how tough you are without your toys. 88 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:39,732 (TWO-FACE LAUGHING SINISTERLY) 89 00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:54,830 So, what happened next? 90 00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:57,875 I thought as long as I had Batman at my mercy, 91 00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,753 he deserved a 50-50 chance. 92 00:07:01,962 --> 00:07:07,676 Here's the deal. The coin lands face down, you'll be squashed flat. 93 00:07:08,802 --> 00:07:12,765 It lands face up, it'll just break every bone in your body. 94 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,535 Hey, where's my coin? 95 00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:37,206 Anybody see where I... Oh, no. 96 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:44,421 Now. Launch it now! 97 00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:07,361 (GROANS) 98 00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:12,032 (BOTH GRUNT) 99 00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:22,960 (BOTH YELLING) 100 00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:34,555 (GASPS) 101 00:08:34,930 --> 00:08:36,849 BATMAN: Here. I owe you a dollar. 102 00:08:39,518 --> 00:08:42,104 TWO-FACE: And if it weren't for this blasted coin, 103 00:08:42,479 --> 00:08:44,023 I would've got him. 104 00:08:44,898 --> 00:08:47,401 Gee, that's too bad, Harv. 105 00:08:47,609 --> 00:08:50,446 But I guess you'll always come in second. 106 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,740 Anyone else want a go? 107 00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:54,616 KILLER CROC: Me! 108 00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,828 There I was, holed up in this quarry 109 00:08:58,245 --> 00:09:02,750 when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer, closer... 110 00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:05,753 - POISON IVY: And? - I threw a rock at him. 111 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:18,098 So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny? 112 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,225 It was a big rock. 113 00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,519 They actually let him keep it. 114 00:09:25,272 --> 00:09:27,399 TWO-FACE: Whose deal is it? PENGUIN: Mine. 115 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:31,528 I find your middling machinations mildly diverting. 116 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,031 But for sheer criminal genius, 117 00:09:34,364 --> 00:09:39,078 none surpasses my most recent ornithologically-inspired entoilment. 118 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:43,207 Smaller words, please. You're losing Croc. 119 00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:44,708 (MUMBLES) 120 00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:47,586 For weeks, I let rumors circulate through the underworld 121 00:09:47,836 --> 00:09:52,674 of my plan to steal a pair of priceless breeding condors from the Gotham Zoo. 122 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:56,470 Sure enough, on the appointed night, guess who showed up. 123 00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:04,603 (LOCK CLATTERS) 124 00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:11,902 (PENGUIN GASPS) 125 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:15,823 (GROWLS) 126 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:18,826 (GAS HISSING) 127 00:10:21,578 --> 00:10:24,540 Curses, I would grab the wrong umbrella. 128 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,469 (DOOR SLAMS) 129 00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:41,431 PENGUIN: Welcome, my ebon-winged adversary. 130 00:10:41,890 --> 00:10:44,726 You have taken the bait as I knew you would. 131 00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:49,815 Now, prepare to meet your end within my aviary of doom. 132 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:51,984 Aviary of what? 133 00:10:52,442 --> 00:10:55,362 Yeesh, Pengers, how corny can you get? 134 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:56,864 (SCOFFS) 135 00:10:57,072 --> 00:11:01,243 Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls... 136 00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:04,037 Anyway, there he was in my-- 137 00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,874 Big birdhouse. 138 00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:19,428 PENGUIN: Beautiful, aren't they? 139 00:11:19,803 --> 00:11:22,014 Like glittering fragments of the rainbow. 140 00:11:23,098 --> 00:11:25,893 By the way, that mist I sprayed on you 141 00:11:26,059 --> 00:11:28,812 is derived from the nectar these birds drink. 142 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,065 - (GRUNTS) - It's quite harmless. 143 00:11:32,774 --> 00:11:35,903 But their poison-tipped beaks, however, are not. 144 00:11:42,784 --> 00:11:45,120 A scratch or two will merely slow you down. 145 00:11:45,412 --> 00:11:47,831 Three or four, and you'll start to get drowsy. 146 00:11:48,373 --> 00:11:53,003 And after that, well, I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you. 147 00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,171 (PENGUIN CHUCKLES) 148 00:11:56,131 --> 00:11:58,050 - (GRUNTS) - (BATARANG WHOOSHING) 149 00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:00,177 (WATER SPRAYING) 150 00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:08,352 (GASPS) 151 00:12:08,685 --> 00:12:10,187 PENGUIN: Oh, well played. 152 00:12:10,729 --> 00:12:14,316 Now to take a poison antidote from your miraculous belt. 153 00:12:16,443 --> 00:12:17,611 (GRUNTS) 154 00:12:17,819 --> 00:12:19,613 And I suggest you do it quickly, 155 00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:23,784 before my cassowary's razor-sharp talons rend you asunder. 156 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:25,661 (SQUAWKING) 157 00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:30,624 (BATMAN GRUNTS) 158 00:12:32,876 --> 00:12:33,877 (GROANING) 159 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:35,837 (SQUAWKING) 160 00:12:47,599 --> 00:12:48,809 (SCREECHING) 161 00:12:58,402 --> 00:12:59,486 (CLICKS) 162 00:13:09,579 --> 00:13:12,666 PENGUIN: Naturally, I had flown the coop by the time he escaped. 163 00:13:14,584 --> 00:13:16,712 Still, I almost got him. 164 00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:18,880 JOKER: Not even close. 165 00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:21,675 You see, the thing you're forgetting 166 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,928 is that there are all sorts of ways to get someone. 167 00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:28,223 Take my latest run-in with Batsy. 168 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,560 It was just last night, as the entire country 169 00:13:31,643 --> 00:13:34,938 was tuning into its favorite talk show. 170 00:13:36,898 --> 00:13:39,526 - (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) - HARLEY: It's Late Night Gotham Live! 171 00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:43,989 And here's the man who puts a smile on your face, whether you want it or not, 172 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,158 the Joker. 173 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,076 (APPLAUSE) 174 00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:12,267 (GUN COCKING) 175 00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,361 Good evening, folks. I'm the Joker. 176 00:14:22,569 --> 00:14:25,739 Living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, 177 00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:26,823 but it helps. 178 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,950 - (CACKLES) - (DRUM ROLL) 179 00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:33,455 We've got a real treat for you, kids. 180 00:14:33,997 --> 00:14:38,752 I ran into my first guest last night while making a withdrawal from the bank. 181 00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,129 You know him as "The Dark Knight," 182 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,965 but we prefer to think of him as history. 183 00:14:44,257 --> 00:14:48,428 (CHUCKLES) Here he is, the one and only... 184 00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:50,889 Batman. 185 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,916 We're back with my extra-special guest. 186 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:23,880 So how's Robin? 187 00:15:29,761 --> 00:15:31,513 Oh. Moving right along. 188 00:15:31,721 --> 00:15:35,851 You know, kids, we've got an item here no home should be without. 189 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:40,147 The laughter-activated electric chair. (CHUCKLES) 190 00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:45,652 Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw starts the chair's generator revving up 191 00:15:45,777 --> 00:15:47,446 towards maximum zappage. 192 00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:48,989 Harley? 193 00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:52,242 (SLOWLY) Ha, ha, ha. 194 00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:56,037 (GROANS) 195 00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,456 (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) 196 00:15:58,206 --> 00:16:02,669 But for a real demonstration, we're pumping our studio audience 197 00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:05,672 full of my patented laughing gas. 198 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,717 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 199 00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:12,554 (GROANS) 200 00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:16,808 These yahoos will laugh at anything now, even the phone book. 201 00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:19,144 (CLEARS THROAT) 202 00:16:19,519 --> 00:16:24,024 Marvin Abbott, 555-8976. 203 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:25,942 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 204 00:16:26,818 --> 00:16:28,111 (GROANING) 205 00:16:29,529 --> 00:16:33,742 Gerald Adams, 555-9011. 206 00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:35,952 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 207 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,580 (GROANING) 208 00:16:40,373 --> 00:16:43,502 M.J. Addison, 555-- 209 00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:44,669 (GASPS) 210 00:16:49,257 --> 00:16:50,467 (CATWOMAN SNARLING) 211 00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:53,303 Hey! 212 00:16:54,137 --> 00:16:55,263 (JOKER GRUNTS) 213 00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:01,811 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 214 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,522 (GROANING) 215 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,611 (WHIP SWISHING) 216 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,782 (ALL GRUNTING) 217 00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:22,958 CATWOMAN: Show's over, Joker. 218 00:17:23,708 --> 00:17:27,212 JOKER: Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it for her. 219 00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:28,713 (HIGH VOLTAGE BUZZING) 220 00:17:30,048 --> 00:17:31,466 (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) 221 00:17:32,884 --> 00:17:34,094 (EXPLOSION) 222 00:17:36,137 --> 00:17:37,347 TWO-FACE: Almost got him. 223 00:17:37,847 --> 00:17:40,976 Yes, if not for that infatuated feline. 224 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,938 Oh, but that's the best part. Once the chair went up, 225 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,649 I was out of there tout de suite. 226 00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:48,733 (LAUGHS) 227 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,531 (JOKER EXCLAIMS) 228 00:17:54,906 --> 00:17:57,909 Miss Kitty still wanted to play cat-and-mouse, 229 00:17:58,201 --> 00:18:01,663 never dreaming I still had an ace up my sleeve. 230 00:18:02,038 --> 00:18:03,039 - (THUDS) - (GASPING) 231 00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:14,092 And by golly, speaking of aces, looky here. 232 00:18:14,884 --> 00:18:17,887 TWO-FACE: I can't believe his luck. KILLER CROC: Oh, darn. 233 00:18:19,055 --> 00:18:20,682 PENGUIN: Let me see those cards. 234 00:18:23,810 --> 00:18:27,480 Now, now, no sore losers. (CHUCKLES) 235 00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,816 Hey, I don't get it. 236 00:18:29,941 --> 00:18:32,652 You just knocked out Catwoman and left her? 237 00:18:32,902 --> 00:18:34,779 Oh, come on, Crockers, 238 00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:38,074 didn't I say there's more than one way to "get someone"? 239 00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:39,743 Even as I speak, 240 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:44,372 Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food factory. 241 00:18:44,789 --> 00:18:50,128 First thing tomorrow, I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. 242 00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:51,921 (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) 243 00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:55,717 BATMAN: I don't think so. 244 00:18:57,385 --> 00:18:58,637 (JOKER GROANING) 245 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,978 Was it something I said? (CHUCKLES) 246 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:15,111 PENGUIN: Well, well. An impostor in our midst. 247 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:18,406 Risking everything for your kitty, Batman? 248 00:19:18,865 --> 00:19:20,659 You're not getting out of this one. 249 00:19:21,409 --> 00:19:22,952 Maybe. (SNAPS) 250 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:25,330 (GUNS COCKING) 251 00:19:33,713 --> 00:19:36,466 But I'm not bad with traps myself. 252 00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:51,606 (CATWOMAN SNARLING) 253 00:19:55,026 --> 00:19:58,363 I had a kitty once. You know, they don't always land on their feet. 254 00:19:58,655 --> 00:19:59,781 (GROWLS) 255 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:01,658 Look on the bright side. 256 00:20:01,866 --> 00:20:04,661 Tomorrow, you'll be feeding hundreds of hungry cats. 257 00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:07,997 The fun starts as soon as Mr. J comes back. 258 00:20:08,748 --> 00:20:09,791 BATMAN: Don't wait up. 259 00:20:12,335 --> 00:20:13,336 (HARLEY GASPS) 260 00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:20,093 Back off, Bats, or say "ciao" to your girlfriend. Cat chow, that is. 261 00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:22,971 That's a good little rodent. 262 00:20:23,054 --> 00:20:25,140 And just to make sure you don't follow me... 263 00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:26,683 (MACHINE WHIRRING) 264 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,103 (CATWOMAN STRUGGLING) 265 00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:44,075 Gee, Batman, what you gonna do, kick me around or save your kitten? 266 00:20:46,619 --> 00:20:48,621 You've only got time for one. 267 00:20:58,631 --> 00:21:01,634 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Good call. Help. 268 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,978 CATWOMAN: Thanks for coming after me. 269 00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:13,354 BATMAN: I owed you. 270 00:21:14,063 --> 00:21:15,857 Well, I'd like to think our relationship 271 00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:19,444 isn't just restricted to saving each other from freaks and weirdos. 272 00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:22,822 And that maybe we'd have a place for each other without Gotham, 273 00:21:23,239 --> 00:21:24,240 without the freaks. 274 00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:27,160 Maybe without masks. 275 00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:28,912 Maybe. 276 00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:30,705 (SIREN BLARING) 277 00:21:31,831 --> 00:21:32,832 (CLOAK FLAPPING) 278 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,302 Hmm. Almost got 'im. 279 00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:54,771 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 280 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,504 English - SDH 20121

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