Original subtitles

Look at this.

I bet you all don't even know what this is.

No, this ain't no video.

This right here is my savior. The perfect babysitter.

See, it doesn't use my phone or eat my food or even ask, "Can a friend come over?"

See, what this babysitter does is give me an hour...

so I can have some peace and quiet.

Now, hold on now. I hear you out there.

"Bernie Mac, are you doin' your job as a parent?"

Hell yes! In Bernie Mac's opinion...

part of bein' a good parent is bein' aware of your child's interests.

[Karate Yells, Grunts]

Hey, Jordan, wanna get some ice cream? Or maybe go to Disneyland?

Uncle Bernie, please!

I'm sorry, baby.

See, he's interested, and I'm liberated.

Same as baby girl. Come on.

Rosie, Mommy wants you to share.

No! No, I don't wanna share! I'm not gonna share!

- Hey, baby girl, wanna play Barbie? - No.

I want you to help me with my Spanish.

I'll be glad to help you with your Spanish.

- Look. - [Speaking Spanish]

See?

Did I tell you? The perfect babysitter.

See, now, Nessa doesn't need one of these.

She got that ignorant teenage attitude.

Can't stand nobody and don't wanna talk to nobody.

She makes it easy. Watch.

Hey, Nessa, you wanna do somethin'?

Ah, no, I don't think so. I got something else to do.

Work every time.

Now, who said parenting is hard?

You just gotta know how to put it on autopilot.

[Coach] Okay, girls, stretch it out. That's it. Breathe right into it.

You are going to throw up.

My dad wants you and your family to come over for dinner Saturday night.

My whole family? Bernie Mac too?

I know. It's so stupid.

But we hang out together so much, my dad read somewhere that...

"a parent is involved in every facet of their child's lives."

Okay. Look, Shannon...

you have got to tell your dad to stop reading those parenting books.

I hear you! But, please?

Lt'll chill him out, and I'll get major points.

[Sighs] You owe.

Thanks.

Jordan, Bryana? Hello? Excuse me?

I want you two to be on your best behavior tonight.

That's right. 'Cause if anybody embarrass me...

I'm not kiddin', I'm gonna pop you right under the eye.

- I'm not kiddin'. - Bernie, you're not gonna pop no one underneath the eye.

You watch. I'm gonna use the knuckle while I'm gonna pop 'em right under the...

- Can't we just stay home? - [Bernie] Shut up!

Bernie, Wanda, welcome to our home.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You know what, Ed? I think you and I got...

a couple of Olympic gymnasts on our hands, huh?

That would be great, so long as she keeps up her grades.

Isn't that right, honey?

Now, we both know it takes more than a somersault to get into Harvard.

I agree. That's why baby girl, you see...

she's only five, but she's learnin' Spanish right now.

Baby girl, why don't you razzle-dazzle us with some Spanish?

Listen to this, Ed. Listen.

Uno, dos, tres, "quachos," cinco, um...

- Seis. - Ah, you know your numbers too, huh?

Well, actually, he's been fluent for about a year.

- No! - Isn't that right, son?

S�, papa. [Speaking Spanish]

- S�. - S�.

The boy's four years old.

That's impossible!

! Imposible!

Wow.

You know, Bernie, I keep telling my kids...

it's not enough these days to be in honors classes or do well on the S.A.T.s.

I think they should do away with the S.A.T.s.

[Laughs] That's teenagers for you, huh?

Defend your position.

Dad, the S.A.T. S are widely considered...

to be a culturally biased assessment of scholastic aptitude.

And studies have shown that...

they aren't an accurate test of achievement or how a person does in college.

But you still plan on getting a perfect 1600, correct?

Touch�.

Wow. Ed, you must tell me...

how in the world do you keep your kids so disciplined?

Honestly, do you whup em?

No. Caning them.

- [Chuckling] - [Makes Whipping Sound]

[Bernie] I like your work ethics, man.

- How about some music? - We'd love some. Some music?

?? [Classical]

Susan, this is so lovely.

Next time, you have to come to our house for dinner.

Right, honey?

Huh?

Come to our house?

I can only imagine.

Nessa, what are you...

Baby, she peacin' me out.

Lord, what's goin' on here?

Where's baby girl? Oh, Lord!

Ma'am... Oh, man, that's your... I'm so sorry.

- Get down from there, boy! Jordan, are you crazy? - [Laughing Wildly]

Get down! Get down from there, boy!

Oh, my God.

- Was it the two of spades? - Jordan, that's okay.

The king of hearts?

- [Groans] - [Chuckles]

- Ed, Susan, truly, thank you. - Bernie.

- On behalf of my family... - Seven of diamonds?

- Uh... - Get in the car.

- Get in the... I'm sorry. Good night. - That's okay.

- I got two of clubs. - Good night. Good night, Bernie.

[Bernie] Ten of diamonds. Ten of diamonds.

Jordan and his doggone magic trick.

You see those kids play those instruments?

Honey, our kids are not in a competition.

Wanda, I gotta prepare our kids for the real world.

You saw that five-year-old boy. He spoke Spanish. Our kids can't even talk English.

From now on, hey, I'm doin' somethin'.

- Will you teach us Ebonics? - Mm-hmm. Okay.

All right. I'll tell you one thing. When I get done with you...

Nothin'. When I get done with y'all...

y'�ll be smarter than your sister's mouth.

Impossible.

Smart aleck.

Oh, I was serious when I told those kids...

there wasn't gonna be any more video watchin'.

From now on in this house, it's gonna be all about higher learnin'...

education and schoolin'.

Shoot, if I don't nip it in the bud...

Ed's kids will be C.E.O. Ing Fortune 500 companies...

while my kids will be callin' bingo numbers in a church basement.

Hey, Se�orita Bryana...

meet me in la cocina in diez minutos por uno snacko.

S�, t�o Bernito.

I talked to Bryana's teacher, and she said...

the best way for a child to learn a language is to immerse her.

So we ain't speakin' nothin' but Spanish to her...

and she ain't speakin' nothin' but Spanish to us.

Uncle Bernie, what's this? I don't wanna play the piano!

And I don't want a dummy for a nephew. Look, Jordan...

I rented this thing, and you're gonna play it.

Come on. Sit down. I'll show you.

Come on. Sit down.

Now, dig this here. Look.

?? ["Chopsticks"]

Or, when you get better, you'll be able to break it off like this here.

?? [Funk]

Trust me, Shannon, you don't.

Now, I would trade my family for yours any day.

- Say "adios." - I'm not Bryana.

- ?? [Piano.' "Chopsticks"] - Look, I'll call you back.

You're not callin' anybody back.

You're gonna start hittin' these books. You're gonna get your math grade back up.

- But I'm not good in math. - You're not good in math because of your study habits.

With a little hard work, you'll get there.

- Why? 'Cause you're a Mac. - And what did you get in math?

It's not about me.

It's about you. So, get to studyin'.

[Sighs] Sounds like a "D" to me.

I got your "D."

Hey, what you doin' in here, son?

- It's time for dinner. - No, dinner ain't for another 20 doggone minutes.

You get right back up. Let me hear some fancy fingerin'.

- Come on. Let's go, Jordan. - What?

I didn't rent that piano for nothin'. Let's go!

- What? Aw! - ?? [Humming "Chopsticks"]

- Let's go. Let's go. - Mmm!

- Mmm, nothin'. - Uncle Bernie, can I have a glass of milk?

Is that how you ask, baby girl? Aw, baby girl.

- Uncle Bernie, please? - ?? [Piano.' "Chopsticks"]

No, sweetheart. Espa�ol, remember?

We spent all mornin' coverin' milk.

- I forgot. - Lee-che.

It's leche. And, Bernie, she's just five.

I know she's only five, sweetheart.

But there's a lot of five-year-old kids over in Mexico.

They know how to say it, and some right here in California.

Show Auntie Wanda you know how to say it. Go ahead, baby girl.

Leche, por favor.

- Told you. - She sounds Italian.

- She's only five. I'm proud of you. - Mmm.

- Hey, Bryana, have you seen my new C. D? - Mm-mmm.

We ain't got no time for no music.

Honey, we eat dinner in 20 minutes.

- I'm not hungry. - Well, if you ain't hungry...

that gives you more doggone time to go up in there and study.

And give me that Walkman. Give it up.

Yeah, you study your math. Two plus two is four.

Four plus four is six. Am I right?

- Yeah. - No! Eight!

That's why you need to get up in there and study.

Here you go. Brought you some lemonade.

- I'm studying. - I know it.

That's why I'll give you a little break.

You've been studyin' so hard.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

I'll let you get back. What's this, baby girl?

Nessa! A "D"?

You got a "D." It don't make no sense.

You been in here studyin' all the time. How you get a "D"?

- It's hard. - Vanessa, if it's hard, why don't you ask for some help?

- I'll help you. - No.

Come on. Let me help you.

[Chuckles]

Is this how you study, Nessa?

- Answer me. Is this how you study, Nessa? - I don't know.

Then you ain't got no shame, right?

Okay then, Nessa. I got a math problem for you.

"D" plus your attitude equal grounded.

What you think about that, Nessa?

'Cause it's gonna definitely give you a chance to think about what you just did...

and give you more time to study.

Did you see that?

She didn't even care she got a "D."

In my day, when I got a "D" I felt bad...

bad because I let myself down and Big Mama down.

Oh, just thinkin' about the look Big Mama would give me.

Oh, I mean, it still make me shiver.

She didn't have to say nothin'. Just the look was enough.

She didn't even have to punish me. I punished myself.

Put myself on lockdown till I brought home a better grade.

That darn Vanessa. Now, America, you tell me again...

why I can't whup that child.

?? [Piano.' "Chopsticks"]

?? [Strikes Bad Note, Resumes]

Yo, man, come on, dog. Let me turn up the radio.

See? Let me tell you somethin'.

Y'�ll better enjoy it while you can...

because when those tickets cost $300 at Carnegie Hall...

don't call me for no hookups.

Brother, I don't think you gonna have to worry about that.

- For real! - Okay, okay.

Go on, get off. But I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now.

See, I'm pushin' my kids towards excellence.

That's right. And baby girl, she gonna be a language expert...

'cause I'm immersin' her in Spanish.

You want to immerse her in Spanish, bring her over to my house.

My in-laws are visiting. We ain't speaking nothin' but Spanish.

It's like M�xico 24-7 up in there. She'll learn a lot, man.

- Are you serious, Chuy? - Oh, yeah, man. Bring baby girl over.

I think that'd be great, man.

That'll be good for her and less work for me.

- Thank you, baby. - No problemo, papi.

Oh, Bernie got you speaking Spanish too?

- [Phone Ringing] - What's goin' on?

- [Spanish] - I'll get it.

Hello? Hey, Ed.

No, Shannon's not here.

They went to a party over at StephanieJohnson's house.

Hey, baby, you let her go to a party? I got her on punishment.

- I didn't know. - Let me talk to him.

- Hold on. - Let me talk to him.

Hello, Ed? Yeah, this is Mac.

I'm on my way. Game over.

- [Laughing, Chattering] - ?? [Funk]

I told my dad I was going to a get-together.

Say the word "party" and he gets all paranoid.

Yeah. Fortunately, my Aunt Wanda took pity on me.

- She seems pretty cool. - Yeah, but she could've married anybody...

and she married Bernie Mac... I don't get it.

Hey, how about some brews?

[Together] Dieting.

[Doorbell Rings]

- Cool. You're not the cops. - Yo, how's it goin', man?

All right.

- Yo, man, Vanessa here? - I don't know.

What is that, smoke? Y'�ll smokin' in here?

Y'�ll are smokin' in here. Where your parents at?

- Hey, man, it's not my house. - Hold on, man.

Unsupervised party? Son, you best to get out of my way.

Yo, Vanessa!

Oh, God. And there's no way out.

- Vanessa! - [All Gasping]

[Boy] Old school in the house.

You all know Vanessa? That's all right.

I'll find her.

You're too young to die.

Hi, Nessa. I thought I had you on punishment, Nessa.

What you doin' at a party where there's alcohol?

How you doin', Ed? It seems like our girls lost their mind...

at a unsupervised party where there's drinkin'.

- Were you drinking? - No, Dad.

How can I believe anything you say?

You told me you were at Vanessa's house.

- Dad... - No more gymnastics. Let's go.

- No more gymnastics? But I didn't do anything! - I said, let's go.

- You knew you was on doggone punishment. - ?? [Piano.' "Chopsticks"]

Yeah, unfair punishment.

It ain't for you to call what's fair or unfair. That's my job.

I'm tryin' to protect you so you don't make a mess of your stupid little life.

You should be in the room studyin', besides bein' at some party where there's alcohol.

First of all, I didn't know there was gonna be drinking.

That's my point. That's my point right there.

There's a lot of hidden dangers out there, Nessa.

And as you get older and get into high school...

you're gonna be exposed to a lot worse than alcohol.

I have been exposed to a lot worse.

Or did you forget where I used to live?

?? [Piano Continues]

The girl got a good point.

Damn.

You know, I don't know what you're so upset about.

I don't wanna drink. It's stupid.

And, besides, nobody on the gymnastics team drinks.

Okay, Nessa. I'm gonna hold you to your word.

You can stay on the gymnastic team, baby...

- Thank you. - When your grades get better.

[Scoffs] Grades.

[Door Closes]

So she don't wanna study.

She just wants to do gymnastics. Well, that's fine.

I'll send her to Russia, and all the time she ain't studyin'...

she can spend her time standing in line for toilet paper and bread.

Oh, who am I kiddin'? You just can't send your kids away.

America, that's it.

I'm checkin' out.

No m�s. Adi�s.

- I can't take it no more. - ?? [Piano Continues]

And I'm takin' that doggone piano with me.

- Hey. - Hey.

So I guess you don't have to worry about being late for gymnastics practice.

No kidding.

Is your dad still mad at you?

He's not speaking to me, Vanessa.

- But did you at least try to tell him... - Vanessa.

He's not even speaking to me.

It's like he hates me.

[Sighs] He told my mom he should send me off to boarding school.

So, now do you wanna switch families?

[Vanessa] Can I talk to you guys for a second?

I just wanted to tell you guys I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I really am. I know you guys want the best for me.

We want the best for you, Nessa, but you got to want the best for yourself.

- I do. - That's what you're saying.

I hear you talkin', but talk is cheap.

- You have to do somethin'. - Math is really hard.

Nessa, I know math is hard. Trig is hard.

Calculus is hard.

Doing a triple backflip is hard. But I seen you do it.

Will you help me?

Nessa, I'll be glad to help you.

America, I got some exceptional kids.

Sometimes they just need a little push.

Well, in Nessa's case, a big push.

But it doesn't matter, just as long as they get there.

And you know what? They will.

Why? 'Cause they're Macs.

?? [Piano.' "Chopsticks"]

- Take five, Jordan! - ?? [Continues]

- Take five! - ?? [Continues]

Take a nap. Take somethin'.

Should put that boy in Spanish class like baby girl.

Help me, Spanish. How do you...

Llame el polic�a.

That's close enough.

�Llame el polic�a!

�Llame el polic�a! �Llame el polic�a!

�Llame el polic�a! �Llame el polic�a!

�Llame el polic�a! �Llame el polic�a!

Think I'll take a lesson my damn... Let's move on.

Come on, baby girl. We gotta go.

Yo no voy. Yo no voy. Yo no voy.

- She said, "I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving." - That's what she said?

[Screaming]

- No, baby, I got enough kids. - Y'�ll give her a tamale or somethin'?

- [Screaming] - Baby girl, come here!

- What's wrong? - Baby girl.

- Come here. What's wrong? - Oh, come on, baby. It's...

- No, Papa! No, Papa! No! - What you mean, "No, Papa..."

Hey, hey, hey. You're scaring her, man.

Well, you...

You got her goin' Elian Gonzalez on me.