Original subtitles

Hi, Amy

You got any crystal?

Fuck off

Shit, who pissed in your Fruit Loops?

Peanut, why don't you go passionately fuck yourself?

Yuk, you're all sweaty.

Whatcha lookin' for?

My skull lighter.

I swear, if it's missing, I'll slit my wrists.

Now that would be a great loss to the human race.

Sit and spin.

That guy has the intelligence of a stool sample.

He's OK.

I think he's got brain damage.

But he's OK.

This place is so fucking boring I wish someone would burn it to the ground.

Let's just get the fuck out of here.

Wanna go to Heaven?

Go ahead and stick it inside.

Jordan, put your dick in me.

I'm tryin'...

I'm sorry.

I just...

What?

I'm afraid of catching AIDS.

But we're both virgins.

Where's the fuckin cigarettes?

I dunno what it is, but...

I feel really weird tonight

Like something's gonna happen

Me too.

Do you love me?

Yeah. Totally.

Why?

It's just...

"I love you" can mean a lot of things, like

"You'll do till someone better comes along"

"I can't describe how I really feel..."

"But I know I'm supposed to say this"

or "Shut up",

"I'm watchin' TV"...

Are you stoned?

I think sometimes this city is sucking away my soul.

Like yesterday I was stuck in this humongous traffic jam

on the 405 freeway

and I just couldn't wait to get to the dead bodies lying there on the bloody asphalt.

All I cared about was getting out and moving again...

I know

I feel like a gerbil smothering in Richard Gere's butthole.

There just is no place for us in this world.

Hey, get off my fucking car!

Wake up, cocksucker!

It's time to die.

Yo, bitch, would you just go?!

Get your fucking hands off my car!

Goddamn motherfucker

I swear, if there is one dent in the door

one scratch in the paint...

What the fuck're you talking about?

This car is older

than you and your jaibait boyfriend here

combined

I love this car.

Oh my god, you're bleeding all over the upholstery!

Jesus, don't potty in your panties about it.

Jordan, he is bleeding all over my upholstery!

It's OK Amy, he's cleanin' it up.

You alright, man?

Yeah. I'm totally into getting the fuck beat out of me

and slicin' up my own fuckin leg...

You are really fuckin rude. Y'know that?

Hey, that's my shirt.

Oh... sorry

It's cool.

Go ahead

Use it

That is so gross.

What's your name, anyway

Xavier

What?

That's the stupidest fuckin name I've ever heard.

Is it cool if I just call you "X"?

I can't really pronounce all that...

Only if I get to call you "Nutlicker"

If bullshit were music, you'd be a big brass band

What's with your lady here, Jordo? Terminal PMS?

- Fuck you. - No. Fuck you

Get out of my fucking car!

C'mon, Amy. He didn't mean it.

He's just jokin' around...

Right X?

Tell her...

Yeah, Amy. Don't get your uterus all tied in a knot.

Listen, gism-breath. I want you out of my fucking car

right this fucking second.

I'm not kidding, Scumfuck.

Get. Lost.

You're, uh...

Giving me an erection.

You're repugnant.

OK, Miss America. You win...

Beam me up, Scotty.

Later, gator.

Hey, what about my shirt?

Thanks, X.

My pleasure, Nutlicker.

Will you marry me?

Hey you don't have to decide immediately...

Hey! You think about it

Sleep on it, honey!...

I swear, Amy

You can be so harsh.

I dunno,

he seemed cool.

Kinda strange maybe...

He was an anus-face.

What were we talkin' about the other day,

About trying to be less judgemental of people?...

Fuck that.

I'm starvin'.

Stop at the next QuickieMart, 'K?

Sure y'don't want anything?

I'm speeding, remember?

Hey. No smoking here

Hey, hey, girlie... you pick up.

Eat my fuck.

Pick up, girlie

I'm so sure

We happy?

6 dollar, 66 cent

That's weird.

Must've fallen out in the car...

I'll pay you right back...

oh fuck...

...The Scumfuck.

You fuckin kook. We left our wallets in the car.

Let me just run out and...

What're you gonna do, shoot us?

Some kind of joke - like "Candid Camera" or something?

I mean, what is this, some kind of joke - like "Candid Camera" or something?

Scram.

What the fuck d'you think you're doing?

Saving your fucking life.

Did I ask you for any big favors, huh?

Would you please just get the fuck out of here?

Jordan, he is getting us into Deep Shit.

Would you just get the hell out of here?

Come on!

...Would you just fuckin chill??!

...his head. His head, man.

It was talkin'...

I think, we're probably cool.

Imean, that weirdo gook lady with the machete probably doesn't even speak english...

I think everything's gonna be fine.

What the fuck d'you mean "everything's gonna be fine"?

You just blew somebody's fucking head off!

You know, you gotta be the little pessimist all the time, don't you?

Little Miss Gloom and Doom. Well, fuck you.

You were there, you were both there with me...

and read my lips

we're in this together.

I fry, we all fry...

Blow it out your crusty rectum, loser.

We don't know you, we barely just met you,

and we certainly don't like you. You're fucking crazy

...and you're ugly besides.

I love you too, darling.

His fuckin head...

it was in the relish 'n' onions 'n'

it was talkin'...

I mean, don't y'think you oughta call your mom or something?

Tomorrow.

What? Mommy and Daddy'll be all worried about their baby girl?

My mom used to be a heroin addict; now she's a Scientologist.

My old man's dead.

Oh, sorry.

I'm not. He was a bloated, alkie pig who was always trying to molest me.

What 'bout you?

My folks live in Encino.

My mom shot my dad

then killed herself when I was twelve.

I'm taking a bath.

I love this show, man.

S'how Long've you 'n'

Princess Leia been a happy little couple?

Fuck

a long time

Three months

No way.

Most of my relationships, they last about three days

or...

three hours.

Yeah, relationships bite.

Wow. Righteous tattoo.

I been wantin' one forever but

I can't decide on a design I like enough to,

y'know

wear on my body for like the rest of my life.

It's a big commitment.

I sure do like yours alot though...

I gotta take a whiz.

I must piss.

Now some of this next footage may be too gruesome for some audience members

so viewer discretion is advised...

Police say that the severed head

of QuickieMart proprietor, Nguyen Kok-Suk,

was still talking when it was discovered,

at approximately 2:39 am, by a Jerseymaid deliveryman...

...And the San Fernando Valley Sheriffs Department is still investigating

the bizarre, ritualistic slaying of his wife and children as well...

It appears that the shopkeeper's wife,

was so distraught over the slaying of her husband

that she took the lives of her children, disemboweling them...

Wait just a second there...

disemboweling them?

Yes, Chet, dis-em-boweling them

The police so far have only one clue to the identity

of Mr. Suk's murderer or murderers...

This skull earring

the type sold most frequently in rock'n'roll paraphernalia shops

often worn by homosexuals, satanists,

and members of other dangerous cult groups...

Hold it, Sandy.Correct me if I'm wrong,

but don't lots of people, especially trendy teenagers

following the latest "fad", kids who are otherwise perfectly "normal",

don't they wear earrings similar to the one shown here?

Yes, well, Chet,

that is a problem...

Smooth move, ex-lax.

Pinch the bridge of your nose.

Pinch it there...

I'm so fuckin hungry

I can eat my leg.

How 'bout a little foodular action?

Welcome to Carnoburger

May I have your orders please?

Gimme the Slop-O-Rama Bellybuster

no onions

A Passion Fruit Slurpster

and aside Curly Q fries

I have some Barbecue Beef Chunks

Some Fried Cheeseballs

And an Evian

Diet coke. Extra large.

She never eats when she does crystal

Shut up

That's be all?

I've lost my earring

That'd be... 6 $ 66. Please pull forward to the window

Jordan, I'm sure. We're like in this total predicament and you're worried about

losing a fucking earring?

It's got sentimental value

My mom gave it to me when I finally passed algebra/trig

You can relax your royal sphincter muscle, your highness.

The crazy machette lady offed herself and her kids

so there are no witnesses left.

What?

They're all dead. It was on the news.

You're so full of sheep excrement it's not even funny

I saw it on TV, so it's gotta be true, right?

Yeah

what if dead guy's head is still talking?

And he tell the cops everything?

Grossify me

Six sixty-six

Sunshine?

Gimme some money

Sunshine, is that you?

I think you must've me mixed up with someone else

Gonad-face, give me some money

Don't lie to me now

I know it's you

Look, you fucking chunky pumpkinhead! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!

Would you just give me some fucking money?

You said you loved me...

You said, you'd never leave me...

It this Night of the Living Brain-dead?

Wake up and smell the cappucino, geek

I don't know you, I've never fucking seen you before,

I don't know who the fuck this 'Sunshine' is!

You little whore

You broke my fucking heart!

Come on, Sunshine

give the poor guy a break

Shut the fuck up

and give me some motherfucking money!

Ain't it nice?

I figure, if I can't have you, no one will

Hey Bartholomew, what's going on?

The bitch

I will find her

and I will kill her

Is it fucking full moon or what? What the fuck is going on?

You shouldn't have broken his little old achey heart like that, Sunshine

Cram it, ass-crack We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you

Mellowize thyself, fishwich

Ever considered cuttin' down on your crystal intake a bit?

Cripes

I have had it with you!

Don't worry, Amy

We're here, we're safe,

everything is cool

Jordan, I just wanna go home and forget this whole entire nightmare

It's alright, Amy, really

In the morning, we'll figure it all out

Yeah, sure

I'm gonna get ready for bed

brush your teeth before you turn in, otherwise you'll have cheese-breath

I get the feeling Amy doesn't like me very much

Don't take it personal, X

She's just a little...

aloof, till you get to know her

I've never seen a tattoo there before

Touch it

Go ahead

Indulge

Where is she?

Where is my little dandelion flower?

Tell me where she is or

you'll gonna have a mangled stump in place of that fairy face o' yours

Tell me where she is,

you fucking slimy piece of queerbait!

I'm right here, lovebucket

My pearly-doo drops rose

I missed you so much, my darling

You know I could never live without you, my bumpkins

I've been dreaming of this moment for months

Come on!

My pants

My babycakes! My cuddlemuffin!

Please, please, don't leave me again!

Get a fuckin life, dogbreath

Come back!

Babycake!

Ever feel like reality is more twisted than dreams?

Not again

My fucking arm!

I want it back

Son of a bitch

Jam on it, girlfriend!

Get that fucking thing out of my car!

I'm trying! What d'you think...

You are my one true love

What is with you? Do you have to kill someone every fuckin time we stop the car?!

Well, pardon me for rescuing your ingrate ass twice in the same night,

You don't care about anything, do you?

You have no guilt, no remorse?

You murdered two people tonight Doesn't that faze you at all?

Yeah, I'm bummed

To the max

But it's not like I've never done it before

Excuse me?

How many people've you..?

Just a few

and all of 'em deserved it

or wore a uniform

Like my first,

this ugly sow of a parking cop

Y'know how they're so full of themselves, they got their fuckin badge, they think they're all bad

Well, this one lardass cunt tickets me

for bein' in a red zone

for like ten seconds

So I'm there in the street arguin' with her 'n' she's just smiling away, writin' me up

I grabbed the bitch by her kinky 'fro

and started poundin' her head into the hood of her nice white

Parking Pig-mobile

and then,

I slammed the door on her skull a buncha times until she was dead

La mort

History

God, would take a reality pill

Hey, I still got the scar

Teethmarks from where the bitch bit me

I tell you,

those cops are like goddamned savage animals

...and some nachos

That'd be six sixty six

All hail the Coffee and Cigarette God

Where's my change?

Drop dead, dunghead

No Zagnut bars?

Life is a chewy shit sandwich

What now?

Go fetch me some Zagnut bars, wench

Fuck you

You already have

You are such

the prick

I'm gonna strangle you!

I hate you!

He's a liar

Y'know that, don't you?

It doesn't matter

Even if I did get together with him, and this isn't saying I did or anything,

but if I did,

y'know that it wouldn't actually mean anything, I mean

y'know that I really only love you,

right?

Whatever, Amy

I wish that we could ditch him someplace, Jordan

Just get rid of him and forget he ever existed

He's not so bad

I mean,

he's sorta like us

Lost,

like he doesn't fit in

He scares me, Jordan

Like I don't know what it is,

there's something evil about him

Don't be a cornnut

C'mon

finish your breakfast

Then let's get me some clothes

I feel like a fuckin frat boy in this toga

Be right back

What's with you? You act like somebody ate your pet hamster

Well, duh

I am so pissed at you I could rip your testicles off

and staple them to your ankles

What the fuck did you have to go and tell Jordan for?

Tell him what?

What d'you think, doorknob? That we got together

Well, didn't you utterly dig it?

That is not the point

What is the point then? Get it:

Guilt is for married, old people

You are incredible. You aren't even human, are you?

You're like a life support system for a cock

This is so fuckin cher

Look'it this thing

I mean, check it out

Let me see

Can I?

Be my guest

Jesus, it's a fuckin belt Don't tard out over it

Mon, dad

It's me

I'm uh, sorta takin' a little vacation with Amy right now and uh

Fuckin machine hung up on me

I'm thirsty

What d'you pick?

Shit!

Jordan, would you listen to me for a second and forget about that dweeby game?

Sheesh, Amy, what's the national emergency?

Jordan, would you kindly pull your head out of your rectal region?

We're accessories to two homicides

Doesn't that concern you in the fuckin least?

Kitten, is that you?

Don't you recognize me?

It's me

Brandi

Your eternal loveslave

Your slave

Look, lady, I don't know who you are

Has this guy shot you full of dope and brainwashed

you like the others? You're high, aren't you?

- It's me, honeycakes! - Let me go!

I know it's you, I can smell your perfume

Get your fucking clammy hands off me, you crazy bitch!!!

He's kidnapped you, right?

And he told you he'd kill you if you act like you knew me

Well, don't fret, darlin'

Brandi's here

I'll save you from this heathen

I'm gonna lop

his dick off

like a chicken head

I can't leave you guys alone for a minute, can I?

Oh God, Bruce I'm sorry

But that was her, it was Kitten

I know it, I know it was her

The bitch

I'm gonna find her

And I'm gonna kill

This is so nice

Lying here like two spoons stacked in a drawer

I hope we die simultaneously,

like in a fiery car wreck

or nuclear bomb-blast or something

You are so romantic

No, for reals

I don't ever wanna have to miss you

Ditto

Row, row, row

your boat

gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream

Don't you think sex is totally strange?

Just the whole idea of it,

this tube of flesh gets stiff

and inserted in these

warm, squishy places

I think maybe it's more powerful than we'd like it to be

It's fuckin trippy,

that's for sure

It's kinda like eating spaghetti

Why?

You are so great

Hey, that reminds me

I'm hongry

You're always "hongry"

That's cuz I'm a growin' boy

I'm gonna walk to the AM/PM and get some Shrimp Nuggets or something

Want anything?

More cigarettes

Yes, dear

I love you, fucker

Me too, fucker

Whatchawatchin'?

Come here

I wanna play a game

I'm gonna start counting

If you crack a smile before I get to eight,

I get to strangle you

If you don't,

I have to do anything you say

Seven-and-a-half

You win

Go ahead

I'll take

these too

Six sixty-six

What's Jordan's like?

What?

Y'know, his engorged member

His tumescent love missle

His throbbing purple meat scepter

Why d'you wanna know?

I don't know

I'm curious

It's alright,

it's fine

What d'you mean 'fine'?

Is it the size of vienna sausage

or like a baby's arm?

Is it cut, is it uncut?

Does it lean to the left? Does it lean to the right?

Does it go in a southeasterly direction?

Is it curved, is it straight,

Where you been?

Nowhere

I was worried about you, dufus

Sorry

Come over here

Y'know just because he and I

It doesn't mean that I'm really like all that

whatever

I know

This the currency

we've linked to the December 17th QuickieMart robbery/homicide

in Tarzana

The suspects

a paramilitary brigade of three youths

appear to be on a freewheeling crime spree heading north

We've run a fingerprint check

through the Mother Computer in DC

and thusfar have ID'd one of the suspects

Amy Blue

Age 18

Height: five-one Weight: ninetytwo pounds

Eyes: Hazel Hair: Brown

Cumulative SAT score:

Should be considered armed and dangerous

Gentlemen,

I want you to find her

And if necessary

Kill her

G'morning

Don't kiss me My breath is like totally skanky

Wait till I brush my teeth

Know what?

What?

This is the first time we've ever slept together

and woken up together

In a real bed, I mean

You are the bright red cherry on top of my sundae

Goofball

Rise and shine, monkeybutt

The itsy bitsy spider

went up the waterspout

Down came the rain

Washed the spider out

I have died and gone to hell for my sins

It's the Dawning of A Brand New Day

Suck my stump to a bloody lump

What're you two homos gabbing about now?

Have either of you ever done it with an animal?

What?

Have either of you had sex with an animal?

Just you

This song always reminds me of Scooter

Who's Scooter?

He was like my best friend all through high school

One day he brought a gun to physics class and told everyone he was gonna shoot

himself in the bathroom

And he did

He was always depressed, always pulling shit like that,

so nobody believed him

Death's funny

Like at first, it's all weird 'n' you're bummed 'n' shit -

like this person you're used to hangin' out with all of sudden doesn't like

exist anymore

But then you just get over it 'n' move on

It's almost for the best

I mean, Scooter was so sad all the time

Me and him used to sit in my room, gettin' stoned, listening to the Smiths

he was over the night before he killed himself

right in the middle of "Unloveable", he just started cryin' like crazy

He was really into the Smiths

Hey Amy, remember the time we were so fucked up we lost my mom's car?

After the Thrill Kill Kult concert?

We were so trashed we couldn't remember where we left the car

We looked and looked

and we walked around and around

but we could not find the fucking thing to save our life!

We finally ended up taking a cab home

Which you puked in

Which you puked in!

Wait

How revolting

Amy? What?

Oh fuck

Do something

Like what?

I don't know Something

What, do look like a fuckin veterinarian?

What're you doing?!

Jesus fucking Christ

The world sucks

Bro, snag the import It's got extra tracks

I just wish I could crawl in here

and disappear forever

Don't you have that at home already?

I miss my records

Well, well, well, men Lookee here

Check out that hot, tight bubble-butt, George

Oh stop, Dan I'm gonna pop a boner

Hey there, sailor Like your pretty earrings

Leave him alone, Pat

Can't you see he's a shy, sensitive flower?

What's goin' on here, man?

No way

It can't be

Bambi?

Is it really you?

Fuck

It's me, George

Your poopsie,

Your snugglybear

Look, smegma-breath I'm not whoever the fuck you think I am

So will you just do me a favor and evacuate?

Don't do this

Fuck this shit

Please

Dig it... Someone made the bed

I just hope we don't catch crabs or something

Life is lonely, boring, and dumb

Jordan, y'want heads, or tails?

Whatever

Heads

Tails

Heads

Oh well

There any more beer?

In the trunk

Have fun

"Schoobie, schoobie,

schmoke a doobie"

You're up to bat

Don't tell me you hogged all the brewskis

Go fer it, boyo

do you like slamdancing?

It's alright

except when you get someone's elbow in your eye, or

their steel-toed boot in your crotch

Why?

Have you ever,

I mean,

does it like

all those bodies,

all that sweating

'n' pushing 'n' shoving

Does it give me a hard-on?

Yeah, always

I, uh, better

Do you ever wonder what the meaning of our existence is?

You ever wonder why we exist?

No, what for?

No reason

Shit

What?

What is it?

I gotta pee

Right now?

It's not like I want to get up 'n' go out into the fuckin freezing cold y'know,

but when Nature calls, it fucking hollers

Just go ahead and let 'er rip

That is so vile and beastly

I can't believe any human being could even conceive of it

Jeez, little Miss Polly Pureheart

You are a demon from hell

Girls have no sense of adventure

I guess

What the fuck??

Two little faggots

sittin' in a bed,

One eatin' ass,

'n the other givin' head

Dirty, pervert scum

make me see red

The world'll be a purer place

when they're both dead

X, man, if this is your idea of a...

Shut up

Leave her alone!

Dan

Please fire up our favorite song

I pledge allegiance

to the flag

of the United States of America

to the Republic

For which it stands

One Nation

Under God Indivisible

Leave her the fuck alone!

With Liberty

And Justice

You fuckin bitch

You're gonna pay for that, Bambi

You fucking asshole!

Stop it!

Just be patient, honey

You'll get yours

That's what your mom said

Don't you

ever

Talk about my mother like that!

You... you...

You, dude, are going to die

And you, Bambi

you lying filthy fucking slut

are gonna watch me

help your little fairy boytoy

shuffle off this mortal coil

Kiss your puny,

worthless

cock

Goodbye

Any last words, queer?

Amy

I love y...

Wanna Dorito?