Original subtitles

[theme music]

[bell ringing]

Good morning, geniuses!

What an incredible town this is.

The people are amazin'.

I was in the supermarket this mornin'.

A blind guy comes in with a seeing-eye dog

and he's swingin' it around his head like this.

I said, "What are you doin'?" He said, "Havin' a look around."

[laughing]

Oh, it was a joke.

- Hm. - 'Very funny, Billy.'

- Oh, so what are you all doin'? - Studying for midterms.

- They start Friday. - I know that.

But I assumed you, of all people, would be ready.

Oh, we're ready, but we're ready for one of Mr. Moore's midterms.

We don't know what kind of test you're gonna give us.

- Yeah. - That's true, isn't it?

But I may be able to do you a big favor here

by givin' you a sneak preview.

Three little essay questions.

The first one's sneaky, the second one's tricky

the third one is unbelievably difficult.

I don't even know the answer myself.

I was hopin' you'd be able to help me out here.

Will these be on the midterms?

No, but questions like them will be on the midterms.

- Then forget it. - Pardon?

I said I'm not taking the test.

- What? - Alan?

Okay, but you'll be

depending very heavily

on the swimsuit portion of the competition.

Uh, you can joke if you like.

Thank you.

Let me tell you something.

When you walked in here, you were from Scotland.

I said, "That's okay, 'cause so is Sean Connery"

who played James Bond

who believed in fair play and justice.

Sure he's bald, but so what? I've always looked up to him.

Sean Connery wouldn't come in here and give us

some stupid test right before midterms.

He'd be out there taking care of Goldfinger and Oddjob

and Dr. No.

So let me show you what I think of your test.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, Alan, while you're digestin' the questions

the rest of you can go on with the test.

- Yeah. - Listen..

This is just a warm-up exercise.

It won't appear on your record.

I'm not even gonna grade this silly thing.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha! No, I get it. Fine.

Sorry, I'm late. Somebody broke in my locker.

I had to report it to the office.

- Oh, horrible. - Darlene, that's terrible.

- What'd they take? - A couple of books.

A lipstick and some nail polish.

Mm, must've been somebody getting ready

for a make-up exam.

You know, it's weird. They were library books.

"An Economic Interpretation Of The Constitution"

and "The Agony Of The American Left."

Thanks, Darlene. We needed those books for our midterm.

- That's right. - Yeah, right.

Well, it's not my fault.

I can't believe that people can just rip you off like that.

It's creepy.

So, Billy, did I miss anything?

Yeah, we're havin' a pop quiz.

- Alan ate his. - He aced it?

No. He ate it.

[instrumental music]

(Billy) Yes.

- Thank you. - Um, sir.

I-I would like to apologize for my attitude.

It's just that every test is very crucial to me.

You see, I've got my eye on the prize, as they say.

What prize?

(all) Valedictorian.

If I get the highest grade-point average

I get to make the big graduation speech

I get the valedictory medal

and I get to wear the purple tassel.

Ooh! The purple tassel.

Now I understand.

So you can see why I'm under

I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure.

Ahem. I'm the pressure.

I'm this close to knocking him off, and he knows it.

- Don't you, Alan? - Get real, Darlene.

So what about the rest of you, you're all

trailing in the dust behind these two?

Arvid.

Oh, I got a D in woodshop.

I-I was trying to make this breadboard

but somehow I used balsa wood, so, well..

The board was easier to cut than the bread.

[chuckling]

I know that I bought pine for my breadboard

and somehow it got switched for balsa.

I'm not mentioning any names.

That's ridiculous, Arvid.

Besides, I'm too busy watchin' out for Mr. Dirty Tricks here.

Meanin'?

Meaning, if somebody wants

to find those library books

perhaps they should look in your locker.

- Ooh. - Darlene.

I've got better things to do

than to worry about little Ms. First Runner-Up.

In your dreams, Alan.

Listen to you two.

Is it that important to be a valedictorian?

Well, I know this is a foreign concept to you

coming from a welfare state.

Oh!

But in America, being number one

and winning something like valedictorian is a great thing.

Oh, sure. It must come in really handy.

No, I don't have a reservation

but I am a valedictorian, you know?

Oh, certainly, monsieur. Step this way.

You two, get away from that table.

There's a valedictorian in the room.

I need to speak to the president right away.

I'm a valedictorian, you know?

Oh, Mr. Gorbachev, could you hold, please?

There's a valedictorian on the big red phone.

Oh, dammit! We only have one heart left.

Who will we give it to?

Bishop Tutu or the valedictorian?

[all laughing]

Good God, the ship is sinking!

Women, children and valedictorians first!

Don't shoot me, I'm a valedictorian!

No, you don't need to wear a condom.

You're a valedictorian.

[laughing]

[bell ringing]

Get out of here.

- See you later, Billy. - 'Bye, Billy.'

Hey, Alan. You okay?

Oh, sure. Why do you ask?

Oh, well, I made light of it, but you did eat your test.

I mean, I've heard of hunger for knowledge

but that's ridiculous.

[chuckles] Oh, uh, that.

No.. I-I was kidding.

Humor is an important attribute in a valedictorian.

Alan, achieving the highest grade-point average

in the school is a stunning achievement.

I just want you to know that in your life

there will be greater things.

What could be greater?

Tsk. Oh, I don't know.

World peace, saving the whale, havin' babies.

All sorts of things. Just don't let it get to you.

Okay? Relax.

- Relax? - Yeah.

Darlene, those books are important to every student

in honors history

especially now

right before midterms.

Yes, but they were stolen from my locker.

All I know is they're overdue

and I have people waiting for them.

It's not fair.

Oh, Ms. Coleman, what's that supposed to mean?

You know what I'm talking about.

You're keeping them away from the others.

They were taken from my locker.

I didn't even get a chance to read them yet.

[clicks tongue] Well, you may get to be valedictorian

but they'd better not ask me for a character reference.

I can't work through the Truman Doctrine.

- Who did those notes? - That was Alan.

- Alan, Alan. - Alan.

You got the notes on the Truman Doctrine?

Uh, no.

What? Alan, we're in a study group together.

We each took a book and outlined it.

Are you sayin' that you didn't do yours?

No, I'm sayin' I'm not giving you my notes.

- What? We gave you ours! - Yeah.

Well, I read your notes, and frankly

I wasn't that impressed.

I don't see why I should help you by providing you

with my excellent work in exchange for your drivel.

- Drivel? Drivel? - Relax.

Yes, I know what you're doing.

You don't wanna see me be valedictorian

so you are deliberately giving me second-rate work.

And so now I'm just gonna have to go it alone.

Alan, you are only saying these things

because you're under a lot of stress.

I am not under stress!

What are you all lookin' at?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

You can learn a great deal about American culture

just by watchin' television.

Two hundred channels, twenty-four hours a day

pumping out programs and trying to sell ya stuff.

Well, I switched it on, I saw a beautiful blond

selling stainless-steel kitchen knives for $15.

I changed over, and there's another man

trying to sell me eternal life for $10.

I settled for the kitchen knives.

The guarantee was much better.

Plus, they threw in a melon baller.

And I don't like evangelists. I never have.

They don't know enough about heaven for me.

You watch any evangelist in television

he knows the most minute details about hell.

He knows every nook and cranny.

They're always on about how awful hell is.

You can only assume they've been given a guided tour.

[all laughing]

But when they start talkin' about pornography

prostitution, adultery, weird goings-on

and thumpings in the night and motel rooms

you had better listen

because they are talkin' from experience.

Where did they get all the action? That's the miracle.

Look at Jim and Tammy Bakker.

Why doesn't she get him out of jail?

She could easily smuggle in a saw or a file

under her make-up.

Two-thousand years of Christianity

in Europe. What did they produce?

The most stunning Gothic cathedrals

on the planet.

What did Jim and Tammy give you?

A water slide in North Carolina.

And people keep sendin' the money!

That's the crazy thing.

If they could heal stupidity

they would be out of business in the morning.

[bell ringing]

Oh, there we go.

Good luck with those midterms. I know you can do it!

- Thanks a lot. - Bye, Billy.

- See you later, Billy. - Bye.

- Alan, how are you feelin'? - Just great, sir.

Great, great, great, great, great, great, great.

That's great.

[instrumental music]

- Alan. - Sir?

What are you doin'?

Takin' a break. Why?

Well, first of all, there's no smoking in the library.

Second of all, there's no smoking in the entire school.

Third, smoking can kill you.

And fourth, you don't smoke.

What's your point?

Fifth, you have crib notes written all over your matchbook

and the lid of your flip-top box.

Why would you think that?

Because you also have them on your belt

your shirt, your tie and God knows where else.

That's ridiculous, I'm.. How could you tell?

I think it's the answer to question six.

"Dry clean only."

[instrumental music]

[bell ringing]

Morning, geniuses!

- Morning, Billy. - Good morning, Billy.

- Good morning, everyone. - Yeah.

About what happened last Friday, I would just like to say

I've never done anything like that before

and, obviously, will never do it again.

I would like to apologize to everyone and to Billy

and say that I'm available at your convenience

for a make-up test.

Well, now that we have that behind us

uh, let's get on with our work.

[indistinct chatter]

Alan, are you out of your mind?

- Yeah. - 'Alan.'

- Why? - "Why?"

You just cheated on a midterm, man.

You've been cold busted. If you play, you gotta pay.

- That's right, Alan. - Yeah. I mean, come on, Billy.

What are you gonna do about this, man?

No, no, the question isn't what I'm gonna do about it.

What are you gonna do about it?

It's an automatic F. It's an automatic F.

- Right? - Right, right.

I could do that. I might do that.

You're supposed to turn him in to Dr. Samuels.

I could do that, too, but first let us consider

who is the injured party here.

Is it me? Is it Dr. Samuels?

I'll tell you who the injured party is. It's us.

He tried to gain an unfair advantage over us.

- Yeah! - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

All of you, what about me?

I'm the one most affected by this.

I mean, if Alan gets to take a make-up test

and then he gets to be valedictorian by cheating

well, that would be...cheating!

You want cheating, how about keeping

certain history books away

from all of the rest of us?

- 'Yes.' - Yeah. That's true.

They were stolen from my locker!

No. Stolen schmollen.

Okay, we've established who the injured parties are.

Now you have to decide what are you gonna do about him.

What are we supposed to do? Have a trial here in class?

- Yeah. - No, no, no.

You don't need to have a trial. You already know he's guilty.

What you have to decide is do I give him an automatic F?

Do I give him another midterm?

A jury of his peers deciding his fate.

And the decision must be unanimous.

I love it. Twelve angry nerds.

How about it, Alan, are you gonna put yourself

in the hands of your classmates?

Well..

...I look around this room and I see friends

whom I've known and loved since kindergarten.

I see newer faces whom I've welcomed with open arms

a-and I see classmates who are ready to

well, forgive and forget.

You give me a rash, Alan.

- Yeah. - Me, too.

Maybe I see a pack of wild dogs.

Aristotle, you are the foreman.

The defendant and I will now leave the room.

Come on, Alan.

Okay, let's vote.

Are we gonna flunk him or forgive him?

- Flunk. - Flunk.

Forgive.

- Oh, come on.. - Simone, are you out of your..

What Alan did was, well, I wouldn't do it

but it is understandable.

I mean, with all this pressure and concentration

on getting good grades, getting into college

getting ahead, all the competition

it can make you crazy.

Get out of here. Listen, I got all the problems that Alan does.

The pressure, the after-school job

and a mother who drives me like a Roman chariot.

Alex..

[speaking in foreign language]

Straight As.

Hey, I deal with that, and I don't cheat.

However, I do fool around.

Come on, guys. How about a little compassion?

Simone has got a point.

I mean, Alan just freaked out

about this valedictorian thing.

And who wouldn't, with Darlene in your face all the time?

Oh, cry me a river, Viki.

Yeah? Well, I change my vote.

I say we give him another chance.

[clamoring]

Hey, hey, hey, nine to two

in favor of flunking him.

[clamoring]

You know, I've never seen anyone

botching up an attempt to cheating as badly as you did

with the possible exception of Gary Hart.

Remember, he was the Democrat's big star.

Everybody was countin' on him to beat George Bush.

So what did he do?

He went to the Bahamas

and had a picture taken in a saloon

with his girlfriend on his knee, a drink in his hand

and T-shirt that said "Monkey Business."

What does that tell you?

Vote Republican?

[clamoring]

Come on, come on, come on now.

Now, hey, I-I've never cheated, but I'll tell you this.

If I wanted to cheat, I could come up with ways so ingenious

they haven't even invented the technology that could catch me.

Well, I could catch you, Dennis.

Oh, yeah?

You sure didn't catch me in sixth grade

when I copied all your..

- I'll change my vote. - Oh, Dennis. You, too?

You know, you know what, if I can put up

with these years of being backstabbed

and bamboozled by Dennis

I can forgive Alan this one mistake.

- Oh! - 'Okay, hey.'

- Seven to four. - 'Alright.'

I wanna change my vote, too.

- Jasper, why? - Why?

- You cheated? - Almost.

Once I was sick and I missed a couple of weeks of chemistry

and I needed an A, and, well

I wrote all the atomic weights on my sneakers.

Unfortunately, I wore them to my French test.

'After that I changed my mind. I didn't do it.'

But I came close. I think Alan was kinda like me.

- Only, he went too far. - Yeah.

Jasper's got a point, I wanna change my vote

but only if I don't have to share a personal story.

(Darlene) 'Oh, my God, Eric.'

Alright, six to five in favor of forgiveness.

Come on, what's the matter with you people?

Alan cheated. Now, I--

- Excuse me, Darlene. - One minute, Ms. Meara.

Now, I know that I play hardball

but at least I play fair.

Oh-ho! Fair?

You kept those history books

away from all of us with some cockamamie story

about somebody stealing them!

- Excuse me. - One minute, Ms. Meara.

And I know, in here, you sabotaged my breadboard!

Arvid, who cares about your stupid breadboard?

People with bread not yet sliced!

Arvid, I did not stash those books!

It was obviously Alan!

- You mean, these books? - Yes, those books! Oh..

We found your book back in the girls' bathroom, Darlene.

I'm sorry, your make-up's gone, but the library books are here.

- Thank you, Ms. Meara. - Mm-hmm.

Now, behave.

[chuckles] Darlene, uh

I'm sorry about the books, not the breadboard.

Yeah, sorry. I guess I freaked out, too.

- 'Sorry.' - Sorry, Darlene.

I just assumed that it was Alan.

I mean, I'm as guilty as anybody else.

See, it's the pressure. It can get to all of us.

- I change my vote. - Alright!

Well, that's nice, Darlene.

But that still doesn't make it unanimous.

- 'Oh.' - Come on.

You know, there are people who think that Gary Hart

was so frightened to the prospect of being president

that he subconsciously wanted to get caught.

His method was just a bit more fun than yours.

- Than mine? - Yeah.

You wanted out, so in order to get a bit of relief

you did the unspeakable.

You really think I wanted to fail?

No, I don't think you wanted to fail

but I do think you wanted a rest.

You were tired of the rat race.

And you're not very good at being a rat, are you?

Anyway, for what it's worth

I hope they give you a second chance

because I don't think you'll do it again.

But then, it's not up to me, is it?

It's up to them.

[door opens]

You can come in now.

Well, have you reached a verdict?

We've decided unanimously

to give Alan a second chance

and for you to give him a make-up exam.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

But, but, but, Alan, we've also decided

that even though you do have the highest grades

we still don't think you should be valedictorian

because we don't feel that you're good enough

to represent the best of us.

- 'That's right. Mm-hmm.' - What?

Not be valedictorian?

- We want you to withdraw. - 'That's right.'

- Withdraw? - Yeah, Alan.

What a relief, eh, Alan?

Yeah, sure. Some relief.

Some relief knowing I'm not gonna be..

Well, actually, it feels great!

Well, it doesn't feel great, it-it feels pretty good.

Actually, it is a relief.

Yeah, Alan, I'm relieved, too.

Now I'm a shoo-in for valedictorian.

- Oh.. - Oh, I don't know, Darlene.

I just checked our grade-point averages

and I'm only one-tenth of a point behind you.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, Sarah. Sarah, Sarah.

You're not actually going to compete with me, are you?

Oh, you know me, Darlene. I just do my best.

You people are amazing.

I have never seen such compassion

and Solomon-like wisdom in the pursuit of justice.

What do you say, as a project, we all go and get on a plane

and go and solve Northern Islands?

- Yeah! - South Africa!

- Yeah! - South Korea!

- Yeah! - South Bronx!

(all) 'Yeah.'

[theme music]