All language subtitles for Quo.Vado.eng

Where Am I Going?

First time in Africa?

Yes.

- Do you like it?
- Lovely...

- And the scenery?
- Great, but the car's a shit heap.

They said, "Car with driver...“

Relax, it's a humdinger,
in 30 years

it's never let me down!

We'll have to continue on foot.

Come on, it's a nice day.

It hasn't rained for months.

- Where are we'?
- In Kasu territory.

- A very dangerous tribe.
- As well.

But you never see them at this hour.

I'll talk and smooth it over.

No, quiet, I'll speak!

Good evening, we come in peace.

Good evening, sorry if it's late.

- Who's he?
- Dogon, the king. end titles

Good evening, Dogon.

He says
that you snuck on to his land.

Let's explain, I'm passing through.
Translate.

I don't want to steal anything.

Jack shit to steal anyway...

Quiet!

He doesn't trust whites because
you have big heads and small hearts.

No, only in the North.

He wants to know
the story of your soul

to understand if you are worthy
of passing through this land.

And if I'm not worthy?

You'll be burnt alive and your ashes
will fertilize the soil.

Fair enough, sounds good.

So, you want my whole life story?

But I warn you, it's long, guys.

Where do I start?

You see, Dogon,

I believe that from when
we're little kids...

the Lord blesses us with talents...

...that we have to nurture and grow.

Clarissa, what do you want to be?

A vet.

And you, Martina?

A musician.

Carlo?

A scientist.

Checco, what do you want to be?

I want to be a permanent position.

Like you.

And like my Dad. He used to take me
to work to see permanent positions.

Happiness

ls holding hands, going far,
happiness

It's your innocent gaze...

What serene people,
what a fulfilled existence!

It's free,
I'm calling from the office!

What's the weather like in Toronto?

Dad told me there was
a guardian angel

who would help me become
a permanent position too,

but I had to work for it.

- Hello, who is it?
- It's your uncle...

I'll call you back
'cause I'm not paying.

I mean, I was born for it.

“Provincial Office
of Hunting and Fishing“

Here's your hunting permit, Liuzzi.

Checco, I brought you a quail.

A quail! You're a legend!

Just today I was thinking...
What's wrong?

This isn't a bribe, is it?

Everyone's gone nuts!

Corruption is when you're not
entitled to a hunting permit

and you come and say, "I'll give you
a quail, will you give me a permit?“

We didn't do that, right?

Give me the quail.

Has it been hung?
Because sometimes...

This isn't graft, is it?

Liuzzi, graft

is if you are entitled
to a hunting permit,

but I say, "No!
You have to give me a quail.“

Did I impose this on you?

You, of your own free will,
Your Honor, gave me the quail.

- Right!
- Are you sure?

- Gimme that.
- You're not just...

Why don't you go fuck yourself,
you and your quail?

Sorry, but on TV all they talk about
is corruption, graft...

Good manners,
that's what it's called,

it's good manners to bring something
to the permanent position.

Okay? Hand it over.

- Do you know how to cook them?
- My mother-in-law's an amazing cook.

So, how is it?

It's a C-minus.

- It's stringy and it needs salt.
- Shut up.

- It needs salt and it's stringy.
- It's true, it is stringy.

It's the first time I've cooked one.

Why did you make it
and not your mother'?

So when you're married
you won't complain.

Honey, tonight...

Tonight I've got a soccer game,
is my bag ready?

We permanent positions
were revered like gods.

- The hot tea?
- Here it is.

By marrying one of us,
in life you had scored a...

Goal!

I LOVE YOU

But there was
another woman in my life...

MOM
YOU'RE UNIQUE

I mean, a loving mother,

board and lodging, power, gas
all on my dad's tab.

Dogon, do you believe
in reincarnation?

Whoever was reincarnated into me
was crazy lucky.

But this luck didn't sit well
with certain divinities.

I still remember that morning.

I went to work early.

It seemed a morning like any other.

I go out on my bike,

I have a nice pedal to the office,

I pick up my badge
that's already been swiped

I go to the cafe and meet up
with my colleagues.

Good morning.

Minister, would you explain
the meaning of this law?

PROVINCES?
WE'RE ABOLISHING THEM!

It's a revolution
in public administration...

That's scary,
we're being abolished!

We want to streamline, modernize
the bureaucratic monster.

Guys, we're permanent positions,
no one can touch us!

My predecessors didn't do anything,
today, the revolution has begun

and as he gradually...

abolishes
the provincial authorities,

the minister in Rome will receive

subjects without the requisites
listed in the circular

and relocate them to other bodies.

- What does that mean?
- All talk! It doesn't mean anything.

It means that those in the categories
I'm about to nominate

are not affected
by these measures and can relax.

Let us begin.

A: The worker with
more than 30 years of service.

It's lucky to be old.

B: Workers who perform policing
duties across the territory.

C: Married workers...

...or those with children.

I'm neither married nor do I have
children, but I wasn't worried.

I thought, “Of course
my category will be there.“

And he went on, D...

E... F...

G...

Workers with disabilities!

Thank you, Momma!

Congratulations.

H...

Workers with bearers of disabilities
in their families.

My brother Mario is deaf-mute!

Deaf-mute!

Thank you, Mario!

- He's deaf, why are you shouting?
- A lot of noise for nothing.

Fanelli, what about me?

Fanelli?

Me, get it?

Don't beat yourself up.

- Mom, you of all people, zip it.
- Why?

You always got treatment, you could
have been ever so slightly disabled.

- Your gallbladder, operated...
- By the best surgeon!

You treat your diabetes,
"I have to be healthy!“

At 70 she has to be healthy.

- It's self-obsession.
- He's right.

An invalid in the family
is always useful.

- You do it!
- If only.

If they'd only recognize
my carpal tunnel...

We've heard it a hundred times, Dad,

let's think about me for a change.

There's only one thing to do.

Let's go.

A dream is a wish

Your heart makes...

You know what this means?

Yes, but I want you to tell me.

At times in life, a guy decides...

Decides?

There's Fanelli,
my office supervisor, try it on...

Good evening, madam.

- What do you think you're doing?
- I asked my girlfriend to marry me.

So I can avoid being transferred.

- Good one.
- Of course...

The effects of being married
aren't retroactive.

That is?

You had to be already married
before the law came into effect.

Mom, he's done it!

He's given in.

- Bye.
- Good luck.

What a moron.

So, you were saying that it means...

It means the intention is there,

the ring is there,
when the decision is there...

...we'll get married,
now let's get out of here.

- And go where?
- Somewhere else.

- With the carriage?
- Forget the carriage, use your legs.

Three hundred euros...
and you're not even retroactive.

Ladies, she didn't love me.

She loved the permanence of my job.

And I didn't let her starve
that night, that's not my style.

ALL ON THE TRUNK

I risk being transferred
40, 50km from here

and you talk about marriage?

But I love you.

Then, if you love me...

...get me a beer, and make it quick.

“Provincial Office
of Hunting and Fishing“

And so, after 15 years
serving my country,

they forced me to vacate my office,

because the law is arid

and doesn't take feelings
into account.

Checco, want a couple of jars
of preserves?

Take it away, I don't want any
reminders of these happy years.

I still see the train

Pull out and you

Wiping away that tear

I'll come back!

How can I live

A year without you?

I arrived in Rome
with my girlfriend's sad face

imprinted on my mind.

Who knows how much
she was suffering...

- Can I speak to Penelope?
- Don't call again, it's over.

So, you were saying
what you like in a woman.

Sincerity.

Now I was truly alone,
in the hands of a cruel destiny.

But guardian angels
don't abandon permanent positions.

It wasn't a mirage, it was him!

Senator Binetto!

I'm out, I've fixed up
who I've fixed up.

No, you've fixed me up,

you put my father in the
municipality, my uncle in the region.

Where did I put you
to do diddly squat?

- At the province.
- Back-breaking!

Now they're going to transfer me.

What are you on about?
They want to fire you!

Do you know what those assholes
at the ministry are doing?

The only opening is in South Tyrol.

All right, I'll resign, then.

You've made the right choice.

- Rionero del Vulture?
- It's the closest.

Naturally we'll help you
to get back to work.

Utter blackmail!

And everyone fell for it.

And I would have too,
if I hadn't met him.

So, I should resign?

Don't blaspheme,
a permeant position is sacred!

He was right,

I was not going to be shafted
like all the others.

Good morning.

Hello, can I help?

You need to talk to the manager.

A woman, I thought
she was the secretary.

- I'm the manager.
- Are you the secretary?

My god, it's the end.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Well, Mr. Zalone,

you are entitled to a severance
payment of 27 thousand...

482 euros, I did the sums.

Good.

For you I have obtained,

if you sign a voluntary termination
of employment,

a payout of 35 thousand euros.

I don't believe it,
that's a disproportionate figure.

If it were true
I'd sign with my eyes closed.

Here.

- Are you joking?
- I'm not joking.

I am.

Do you really think I'd leave
a permanent position

for seven thousand euros more?

But is she qualified to do this?

What indispensable role did you play

in this strategic provincial
office...?

- Don't get mad!
- This was my job...

Stamping hunting and fishing permits.

After ten years I changed.

Then in the busy periods...
Once before Easter...

I even had to use my spare appendage.

- I see!
- She's nice.

No more stamping for you.
Know where I'm sending you?

No, don't tell me, I love surprises.

Mom, don't worry about me.

It's beautiful here
in the Susa Valley!

Doing what?

Morning, I'm notifying you of the
order to expropriate your house.

We don't want high speed here!

We have to expropriate

your house.

Take your time,
until 7:00 this evening.

Province of Nuoro?

- In Sardinia?
- Fanelli, I love it here.

My colleagues are giving me
special treatment,

if a photocopy needs to be done,
they say,

"You're not capable,
your colleague will do it.“

- What's that called again?
- Mobbing.

Mobbing! It's so relaxing.

From Val di Susa to Lampedusa?
Tell them to fuck off.

Don't sign.

For me, it's a yes, welcome to Italy.

DETENTION CENTER

No, guys, graduates later.

Is there a midfielder
with fancy footwork?

There's 11 on a team,
we can't take you all.

Ms. Sironi...

I think that soon you'll be working
at the ministry with me.

Really?

I read your performance review,
you closed one thousand...

- 1,243 contracts.
- Out of?

1,244, minister.

An employee has resisted
your lethal charm?

- I'm seeing him now.
- Don't be too cruel.

- This is cheese from Piedmont.
- Genuine?

Very, Michele
the eco-warrior gave it to me.

Capers from Lampedusa,
Toto Scafiesta gave it to me.

This is Filu 'e Ferru
Sardinian aquavit.

My dear madam,

for you, from Susa Valley, a nice
salami, put it where you like.

- Here you are.
- Thank you, I have a suggestion.

Me too, Tuscany.

Chianina beef... That's a yes.

A big yes for me.

It's for 50 thousand euros.

Will you sign
your resignation letter'?

Well, as long as we're kidding around

our country is
in disastrous condition

and you're giving me
50 thousand euros?

- But does she even have a degree?
- Please...

No, huh? Some politician...

We need qualified people or we're not
going to fix the country.

Tell me the name of a shithole,

so shitty that even nuclear waste

would feel uncomfortable.

Come on, a sewer!

This request has just come in.

Should I send them a notification?

No...

He likes surprises.

I'm not giving up a permanent
position, I'm not giving it up.

Got it?

I'll never leave my privileges!

Got that?

They think I'll give in to them!

Just because they sent me here.

Holy mother, the North Pole?

Let's talk about this,
part-time's fine too!

Let me call her,
what a huge bitch!

- Look who's here.
- Should I answer'?

No, let's let him cool down a bit.

Here too, please.

Holy shit!

Is anyone there?

Jesus, help me.

Give me a sign of life.

Mom, in the Arctic Circle.

It's freezing!

More than in the mountains at home!

I can't hear you,
I'll call you later.

I see, but where are we?
What do I do here?

We're in the Dilmin Alesund
Arctic Station.

Your job is to defend
a researcher from polar bears.

- Me?
- Sadly, attacks are more frequent.

Jason can tell you about that.

You're replacing him.

She's got it turned off...
What do you do here?

Lots of things inherent to the
melting of the polar ice caps.

- The caps are melting.
- Sure are.

- Have you seen the psychologist?
- Ls there a psychologist?

Of course,
it's not simple living here.

Six months of darkness
then six months of light...

When I was a little kid and my mother
bought me a popsicle,

watching it melt
made me suffer like a dog.

Just imagine the polar ice cap!

I won't be able to take it,
I know myself, doctor.

That's strange, because
Ms. Sironi describes you as

a resolute, determined man

who's highly adaptable.

- Forget that.
- It's a pity.

Because I called the researcher
you are supposed to work with.

Research another one, you do research
here, right? Find someone else.

Pity.

Here we are.

Our researcher, Dr. Nobili.

- Hello, Valeria.
- Hi, Checco.

I've spoken to Mr. Zalone,
but he says...

I am resolute, determined
and I'm very adaptable.

When do we start?

What's got more pull,
a woman's smile or a rhinoceros?

We say that too!

But we say, "What's got more pull

an ox with a cart or a woman's...“

You're more romantic.

- Why did you decide to come up here?
- To hold my position.

Nice, I like that.

A little utopian
but it's the right attitude.

- I mean my position.
- Yes, your position, my position.

- She doesn't understand shit.
- The world belongs to everyone.

I can't stand those who
only think of their little patch.

Selfish!

Then pollution of the oceans
and global warming

concern everybody.

The increase in polar bear attacks,
for example,

is a consequence of the melting
of the ice caps.

Now the polar bear
has me to deal with.

What's that?

It's a lemming, it's harmless.

Lions, tigers don't do anything
to me, but lemmings...

Lemmings are sneaky sons-of-bitches.

I collect samples of snow that
contains atmospheric particles

that could contain toxic substances
that end up in the sea.

You've got to watch my back.

What that girl did to me!

In a few seconds she turned what
had seemed like hell into heaven,

the polar ice into
a pleasing freshness,

and made a cute little animal

out of a sewer rat,
'cause that's what lemmings are.

But there with her...

...it was poetic.

What a sewer rat!

Oh, darling.

Checco, the basin.

Go...

So, what do you call this fried dish?

Krill, the basis of the Arctic
fauna's food chain.

Lead, mercury, hydrocarbons...
a bit of everything.

There's even arsenic.

Look, arsenic is still not present
in these waters.

No, it is, Massimo,
there's arsenic too.

Just a hint, but you can taste it.

Ask me about raw fish, guys.

Write cadmium.

Come on.

The latest tests suggest
imminent genetic mutation.

It's a vicious circle.

Sorry, can I join in?

What's the vicious circle?

I'm part of the team,
I want to understand.

Who eats krill?

- Seals.
- Who eats seals?

The President of the Republic.

How beautiful. An adult male.

Prepare the anesthetic, we'll sedate
him for a couple of hours.

- Have you got it?
- I already took a sedative.

No, the gun.

Get closer now.

Done.

Come on, before we lose him.

Good, now he's in range.

Shoot.

I got him!

I don't think so.

- I told you not to do it.
- You said you could shoot.

- Quails, not polar bears!
- Wait.

Wait, you got him!

- You got him.
- I'm an infallible shot, huh?

Am I right? I got him!

I got him!

Don't take it the wrong way!

“I'm the polar bear, the biggest
animal in the world...“

And you go down with a bit of
anesthetic? Not moving now, are you?

Poor thing, the high temperatures
are damaging his fur.

- What are you doing?
- Taking a blood sample.

The best thing would be
to do a sperm analysis,

but as you can imagine,
that's not possible.

News of Zalone?

Do you want to hear
a man surrendering, live?

Yes!

I'll put him on speakerphone.

- Hello!
- Zalone.

I saw you were trying to contact me
with a certain insistence.

What are you up to?

I'm giving a hand job
to a polar bear.

Thank you!

You've given me a dream job.

I left the analysis in the lab.

There's also a sperm analysis.

- Yeah, right.
- Really.

He actually did a...
Have you seen Checco?

No, he's gone.

Mom, there's another woman
in my life now,

so you can call less frequently.

' Yes?
' May I?

Of course.

I wanted to say goodbye,
I'm leaving.

Right, you're going home
on the weekend.

- Yes, what are you doing'?
- What am I supposed to do here?

- Do you want to come with me?
- You'll want to see your partner.

I don't have a partner.
How long will it take you to pack?

Done, let's go.

Come on.

This is my house.

Sorry...-

I'll wait for you inside.

- Mom?
- So, tell me what this girl's like.

What's she like?
Just think Cameron Diaz,

add a dash of scientist and
a drizzle of ecologist, that's her.

Don't call me so often anymore.

Only call me when you're so sad
you can't take it anymore.

Bye, I'm going to her.

This is a collection
of snapshots from my life.

You've been all over the world!

- Always for animals.
- Where there are emergencies...

Look, my African period.

I worked there for two years,
I left my heart there.

That's Babu, my partner at the time,
Said's dad.

He's your son...

This is the period
in the Philippines.

Amazing places.

He's Nimuel, my partner there,

Emily's dad.

Hi.

This is the period here in Norway,

where I met Gunnar, Lars' father.

Hi... You adopted them, right?

No, they're my biological children.

- And this is Carola.
- A friend.

More than a friend, we were together.

My confused period.

I have to turn the stove off.
Keep looking.

- Checco?
- Yes?

- Give me a hand?
- I'll just finish the equine period.

Sorry! I feel a bit peckish.

Enjoy.

Lord... bless this food

and may all be able to eat.

Amen.

Enjoy.

Enjoy.

- You?
- I'm an atheist.

Let us thank Christ.

- So, this is...
- Salmon with sour cream.

- And this is apple juice.
- Maybe the pairing...

Gunnar!

- Norwegian period.
- Lars' dad.

- He's not here for dinner tonight.
- Pity.

- Does he live with you?
- Not for long, he's getting married.

Getting married...

- Checco, how old are you?
- 38.

- Are you married?
- No, I live with my parents.

Kids!

Kids!

Sorry, they think
you're a bit strange.

Let me get this straight,
I'm the strange one here?

Maybe.

Children.

I'm strange...

Sorry.

The kids are worried they've offended
you, they want to apologize.

That's why you came up?
Call them.

Come on.

To bed!

These pajamas cost 600 euros,
what weird values you've got.

Let's go to bed,
because it's midnight here,

there's glorious sunshine,
but I'm strange.

It's green.

Go, Said!

Said, come here.

In the penalty area, if an opponent
so much as touches you...

you fall to the ground, a few
convulsions and the penalty's yours.

But it's unsportsmanlike.

What does that mean?

It's not correct.

Suddenly, I was assailed by doubt.

Could I really be the strange one?

I felt the need to change
and try to become...

more civilized.

So, to be civil,

how long do you wait after
it turns green before honking?

Never! You never honk.

- Sooner or later the car will go.
- Uh-huh.

How many useless fuck-offs
have I said in my life?

Am I civil?

I'm training to respect lines
in a civil manner.

My compliments,
you're a great country.

And a great country
couldn't do without

unmissable civilized events.

- Beautiful, isn't it?
- Very.

They've been playing
for an hour and a half.

What type of show is it?

- It's the not-to-forget concert.
- No!

And who's going to forget tonight?

But it's very nice, it's civilized,
I like this country.

Civility means sharing
household chores

and looking after the kids
even though they're not yours.

They're fighting!

I'll go.

Guys!

Come here.

Let's get one thing clear,

no one here is better
than anyone else, okay?

You, it's true, you're Western,
a superior race,

but you're smaller,

you're the big brother,
but you're much blacker.

So you even out, right?

- All right...
- I'll take this.

Okay, I was learning, but I knew
how to make them like me.

Guys, calzones! Emily, the prayer.

No, you eat them hot, I already
prayed when I rolled the pastry.

This is the Buddhist,
this is the Islamic,

this is the Christian
and this is the best of all,

the atheist!

Rice, potatoes and krill!

And the world of science started
to appreciate my know-how.

Try it.

Great!

Fifteen years as a public servant
gives you the fundamentals.

Then I'll teach you
how to get snacks without paying.

Now, there was just one thing missing

to achieve romance.

It's just that all that north

had cooled my Latin instincts.

Or perhaps I thought it might seem
a little uncivilized,

so I gave up.

But then I figured it out.

In a civilized country,

it's the woman
who gets her tongue in first!

In short, we got together.

Such is life! They wanted
to punish me, but I was happy.

But someone noticed that apart
from my basic salary of 1,600 euros,

I was getting 900 euros
travel allowance...

...plus 1,200 euros hazard pay.

A total of 3,700 euros a month.

The Minister of Waste

...to be consumed against
the splendid backdrop of the fiords.

- I thought that...
- You thought'?

What the fuck were you thinking?

How the fuck do you work?

The photo in the paper,

“The Minister of Waste!“

Make this go away now

and send him home immediately,

otherwise you're going home!

I'm glad you found love
amongst the glaciers,

but unfortunately,
you have to go back to Italy.

I'm contributing
to the research here.

Science will have to deal with it,
Italy needs you.

Isn't there any way I could stay?

Just one.

Sign your resignation
and pocket the check,

60 thousand euros.

Give me the pen.

Here.

I'm itchy.

- No, I'll go with phone-a-friend.
- Where are you going? Zalone...

Where are you going?

They want to send me to Italy

and the only way to stay is
to sign my resignation letter.

No!

Don't you dare,
a permanent position is sacred.

What should I do?

Play your bonus, ask for leave.

Thank you, senator, you're a genius.

Thank you so much,
goodnight, sweetheart.

In three months, come back to me
and we'll see who has won.

- Aren't you going to help me?
- I'm on leave.

Without insurance,
what if anything happens...?

It better not.

What's fish from the Adriatic like?

It's much leaner than yours,

it doesn't need to develop fat.

Is the king crab a crustacean?

Darling, enough questions.

I don't mind.

Yes, it's a crustacean
that lives in the Atlantic Ocean,

in the northern seas.

Karl!

When I finally thought
I was a civilized man,

a new obstacle presented itself:
jealousy.

- Who is it?
- A friend of Mom's.

Did they have a relationship?

- I don't know.
- Did they have one or not?

Checco, this is Karl.

Hi.

We're going rafting tomorrow,
will you mind the kids?

Of course, I'd be glad to.

I'll look after them.

At what depth
does the king crab live?

Checco, what depth
does the king crab live at?

How the fuck should I know?
Look it up on Wikipedia.

Go rafting with Karl!

Good-looking guys are stupid.

Karl needs to get hemorrhoids.

I spent the night awake,
working through the pain.

The next morning, I civilly
gave Valeria a lift to Karl's.

I'll see you tonight,
I'll be as quick as I can.

Stay out all the time you want,
I'm over it now.

- What?
- Nothing, go.

Thank you.

Yes, guys, I was free from
that particularly Latin legacy:

jealousy-

- What's wrong'?
- He says he doesn't feel well.

No, it's them!

Hemorrhoids, swear!

Anyway, guys, I was
a totally different man.

I was no longer uncivil,
disrespectful,

I was no longer jealous,
I had completely changed.

My parents also noticed

how much I'd integrated in Norway.

Mom! Dad!

Are you blind or something?

Let's go.

When is your leave over'?

I'm staying in Norway,
it's a fantastic place,

civility, efficiency.

Did you know, here, if you're not
working, the state gives you money?

Because what have we done in Italy
till now? Dickhead!

Here we go with the jokes,
you Italians, always laughing.

Mom, seatbelt.

But I'm in the back.

In the back, too,
in civilized countries.

Look!

What is it?

Some Italian's been this way.

Just ignore him.

I loathe you when you act like this.

Dad thinks I've changed,
you think I'm acting funny,

I honestly don't understand you.

All these kids are yours?

What's hers is mine,
of course they are.

Darling, tomorrow at the wedding,
skirt or pants?

- Pants and the red shirt.
- Already done.

Checco, will you give me a tissue?

Now for two tears,
you're going to kill a tree?

You know what's happening
in Amazonia?

No.

Get with the program, Mom.

- Darling, Hinger is here.
- Coming.

My name is Hinger, and you?

Checco, what time is it?

I was taking a shower,
why has the hot water finished?

Very good.

Come on, it's cold,
where's the boiler?

Fantastic!

Miss, can you tell my son
to go fuck himself? In Norwegian...

Italians... vulgar.

Who's getting married tomorrow?

Valeria's third partner,
the blond kid's dad.

Lars.

But if Valeria's partner has
a child from this new marriage,

what would the child be to Checco?

He's...

he's the...

Let me think.

Never mind about the child...

This is music,
not that pizzica stuff,

gets people together more!

How wonderful civility is.

Thank you.

Caterina!

What's the matter'?

The fact that I've had
other companions.

- It's not that...
- My kids?

No, they're gorgeous.

What, then?

There's one thing
I find unacceptable.

What?

The blond goatee...
I can't deal with it.

So I granted her that small thing.

At last.

Happy? It really suited me.

Valeria, thank you.

Have a good trip.

Don't forget, tomato sauce
for Checco without garlic.

Yes, he always makes it like that.

See you soon.

Bye.

Come on.

Dad, I'm not asking for much.

Promise me you'll open eyes
and your mind a bit?

And you open the gate,
we've got to go.

Bye!

In short, my parents fled.

I was increasingly convinced
I wanted to stay,

but I hadn't taken the long Norwegian
winter into account.

Six months when the darkness
of night alternates...

Good evening, Stena.

...with the darkness of morning.

Good morning, Vidar.

And all this affects
people's moods quite a lot.

Good morning, I have an appointment
with your colleague

from the office for foreigners,
but he's not there.

He committed suicide.

He jumped from the sixth floor,
depression.

Can I leave this with you?

I'll see you tomorrow at 11:42.

All right.

Can I ask a question,
what floor do you live on?

First.

In that case, I'll see you tomorrow.

Then one evening, while I was giving
Lars an astronomy lesson...

What happens to the white dwarf?

Checco, your mother.

I'll call her later.

The white dwarf is
at the final stage of evolution

and doesn't have the strength
to counter gravity.

It collapses into itself
and what happens is...

What happens?

That they're back together.

- They're back together again!
- Who?

What do you mean, "Who"?

They're back together again!

I didn't know!

Do you know what this means
for my country?

Guys, can you really be
so insensitive?

Being here, I've lost all this!

The Italian motherland
was calling out to me.

What's that lump in my throat

I can feel it rising, what is it?

This language is pointlessly
complicated.

I can translate these phrases into
Italian with one word, two letters.

“How was your work meeting?“
What do you say?

Men!

- “Give me a discount.“
- Meh...

- “If I catch you, you're done for.“
- Meh!

- “I'm quite happy with things.“
- Meh, meh...

So there's no point continuing
the lessons.

Men!

The house is bursting at the seams,
take them away.

Take them.

Only when we lose things,
do we appreciate their value.

I don't want to jump the line,

but I've only got a bottle
and you've got a full trolley.

In Italy we let people go ahead,

because we're not civilized
but we're polite.

Checco, let's go.

Eat up, you're wasting away.

ITALIAN CUISINE

You went to Italy,
you tasted our cuisine

and you've opened
an Italian restaurant.

Yes.

How do you cook this spaghetti?

Easy, you take water,

you put pasta,

you light stove...

thirty minutes...

Whereas I boil the water first,
what an asshole!

- Do you want something else?
- A screwdriver and a ladder.

What?

What are you doing?

Fuck off!

You don't write “Italy“ in vain!

Viking!

Sorry, darling, I need it.

But just once...

Who the fuck are you tooting at?

I'm Italian!

Nostalgia, damn nostalgia

that gets you
when you don't want it...

Don't you think it's splendid?

Yes.

Bergen is beautiful at night.

The car's double-parked.

That's its natural position.

That's enough for now.

Go and move it.

No, I like it like that.

You'll move it tomorrow, promise?

Let's go to bed, it's night.

This morning was night too.

I want to go back to Italy.

I see the rain pull out and you...

THANK YOU, VALERIA
THANK YOU, CHECCO

I'll be back!

He's got a job,
but what will you do in Italy?

I have qualifications,
I'll send my CV, I'll do interviews.

- They call me back, right?
- In Italy?

Think about it seriously.

Enough of these cliches about Italy.

Announcing a delay:
the flight from Rome to Milan

will land four hours late.

That's ours!

I already feel at home!
It must be a union strike.

And my new family and I
went to Italy.

Ms. Sironi took it badly.

He's crazy,

I hate him!

- What's the matter'?
- Zalone!

He refused 70 thousand euros.

Where do I send him now?

We need a position where
he feels in danger, threatened.

Send him to my neck of the woods.

After so much Nordic darkness,
finally, the light of the south.

As soon I arrived I was enlisted
in the Forestry Corps.

To intimidate me, Ms. Sironi

gave me a very dangerous job:

to confiscate animals
illegally kept by Mafia bosses.

Write: one tiger,
the boss Vincenzo Stilo.

Shut up, or I'll get in there.

I knew how to handle those people.

Come on, boss, he'll be fine.

- Let's go.
- Wait a minute.

Before long I was...

the king of Forestry.

Is there anyone under house arrest?

At last! Come on up.

My son went to the movies
to see 'Madagascar'.

He became obsessed,
he wanted a penguin.

- His father, who is so good...
- ls he here?

No, he's in jail.
...he bought him one.

He played with it for two days
and now he couldn't care less.

It doesn't play,
it does fuck all, take it away.

He called him Skipper, like the one
in his favorite cartoon,

but to welcome him were not
the cold seas of Madagascar

but a very hot house in Castrovizzo.

Do you want to appeal to all those
who illegally keep these animals?

Don't take your kids to see 'Dumbo',
that's when the shit really flies!

Who is it?

Who are you?

I'm Don Michele,

the property has been assigned
to these kids' coop.

Here's the court order.

And this is the letter
from my cousin in Brazil,

the owner of the property,
who states,

“You can stay as long as you like
in the house isolated in the woods.“

Confiscated!

Oh my God, his handwriting...

I have no words.

He's a second cousin.
What's his name...? Tanino.

Tanino la Cirenza, a local boss.

Excuse me.

We're waking the kids,
getting our things and leaving.

No, you can stay for a few weeks.

We still don't know
what to do with it.

What do you want to do here?

A social initial
to rehabilitate people.

Are we going to rehabilitate
my cousin?

That was when Valeria
had an awesome idea.

Mayor, on the property,

with the cooperative we want
to create an oasis for animals,

to treat them and introduce them
back into their natural habitats.

Great community project, right?

What are all these pages?

An environmental impact study,
budgets

and a geological report...

Even sewage treatment!

We're creating an unpleasant
precedent for the mayor.

We don't need the sewage tank,
leave it to me.

Goodbye.

I promise you, within a week,

there'll be
all the regular irregularities.

Good man.

Come and see the animals.

OASIS OF LEGALITY

Here are the chimpanzees,
we bring them back to health

and introduce them back
into their natural habitat.

Here in isolation,
we have a rare macaw,

it belonged to a Sicilian boss.

Slut!

Madam, it's all right,
he's still not well.

My enthusiasm was over the moon,

reality soon brought us
back to ground, wheels down.

Acts of vandalism, significant damage
to the Oasis of Legality.

Here is a heartfelt appeal
from Don Michele.

I'm speaking to the healthy part
of this world, change is possible.

Sure enough...

A new parish priest for Castrovizzo,

Don Michele has been transferred.

Don Michele, stay strong,
we'll keep going.

We're doing everything we can
to integrate the kids too.

C, D, E, F, G, H...
aspirate, damn it!

Salvino, why can't he play with you?

- We don't want foreigners.
- Tell them where you're from.

- From Gioia Tauro.
- So what's nduja?

He doesn't know
because he's vegetarian.

And a faggot.

I was looking for common ground
between the two cultures

and I invited Salvino
to work with us.

Go, quick, and come right back,
move it!

No bullying!

- Spray it on and clean it with this.
- No paradoxes.

There are worldwide equilibriums
that need to be respected.

Despite my efforts, there were
many obstacles to integration.

We haven't received
any funds for months.

How will we treat and feed
the animals?

Calm down.

I've got a school group coming

and I refuse to perpetuate
this fairy tale of legality.

- Perpetuate 'Snow White' then...
- Go fuck yourself!

I'll go to the kids.

What do these felines eat?

- Can I give it my snack?
- Sure.

' No!
' Why not?

They're 'snackivorous',
throw your snacks by all means.

Salami too, or pasta with eggplant...

ls this backpack made of leather?

Don't give it all to them, the chimps
have been dieting for a month.

Valeria had made up her mind.

Why are you so impulsive?

I spoke to the mayor,
he'll get you a seasonal job.

- Seasonal job?
- Then it'll become permanent.

Thank you, I was so worried...
What am I teaching my kids?

- To accept anything like you do?
- What do I accept?

Where are you going?

Listen to me!

What?

- I can't live without you.
- Really'?

Then stop obsessing
about a permanent position

and come away with me.

I'll do it, because I love you.

- They're congratulating you.
- I know.

Thank you, it was a choice
made for love.

- What did he say?
- That you lied.

No, guys, I didn't lie,

I told the truth.

He's a shaman, he can read your soul.

Now you tell me? Dickhead.

Well, it wasn't exactly like that.

Then stop obsessing about a permanent
position and come away with me.

Are you insane?

Baby, life's made up
of concrete things too.

Let's go.

Regular wages,
union protection, paid leave...

Paid vacation, family payments.

- I wish I had all that.
- Who asked you?

Are we going?

Valeria, where are you going?

I can use my year
of military service

to boost my pension entitlements.

I've paid in too much to resign!

You can't terminate
without notice!

I'll have to sue you.

I know,
it's easy for you to judge.

What does this guy do?

- He's a boar hunter.
- Good.

Let's imagine that every month,
you get a boar.

In January, an arrow, a boar.

February, an arrow, a boar.

Then December arrives,
you shoot the arrow

and find two boars.

Has that ever happened to you?

It's called Christmas bonus.

If you've never known that joy,
hush...

...the gods have condemned you
to a VAT account.

Get it?

Anyway, I was suffering a lot.

The white dwarf is a small star

with low luminosity...

Krill, the basis of the seal's diet,

is found mainly in Norwegian waters.

- The polar bear...
- What the fuck!

Without her I was unfeeling and
nitpicky, I didn't let anything go.

- No smoking in the woods.
- No'?

- No, put it out at once.
- Right away.

That's unreal.

And to forget her,
I took refuge in alcohol.

Checco, come over here with us.

I'm cool, already feel
like one of the family.

Hi.

Here too.

Easy, I'm on vacation.

- May I?
- You already did.

Who knows what you
must think of me.

No one knows
my more intimate nature,

my fragility, the desire I have
to feel a man possess me.

Times like that, a permanent position
become vulnerable and collapses.

Checco, just put your signature here

and I promise
I'll help you back to work.

I want a permanent position...

- I won't leave you alone.
- I get a permanent position?

Here are 100 thousand euros for you.

100 thousand.
A nice signature here.

Just a minute.

No.

Go on sick leave.

Sick, I'm sick, I can't sign.

He's sick too, we're both sick.

Keep your 100 thousand
and buy a blow-up doll

so you don't pester younger men.

- You pig! Parasite!
- Go, or I'll report you for mobbing.

You disgust me.

Stalking, BJ-ing, MILF-ing, joking...

So, I went home
and took depression leave.

My mother's little attentions
did nothing for me,

I was shattered.

Meanwhile, that woman
was after me.

Believe me, Zalone is worn down.

In a week, he comes off sick leave,
I want to transfer him to...

To Pluto? Zalone on Pluto.

There's a good headline,
maybe with my picture?

Stop thinking about it,
you'll be fine in Bolzano.

It's not even that cold.

Good morning, sorry I'm late.

We called you in because, at last,

we've concluded our
public administration reforms.

Good morning, what is it? Ministry!

Let's see what they've sent me
this time.

Yes!

I won!

Guys, I felt some strong emotions
in my time,

but to come back
to the provincial offices...

What provincial offices?
Didn't you read the paper?

I still have to get used to it.

The first call.

Yes?

Provincial Hunting and Fishing
Office?

Provincial is what your sister is.

We're now called the Metropolitan
Area Hunting and Fishing office.

- And what's changed?
- Jack shit.

- So, why did they do it?
- I'll explain it to you.

The First Republic

You never forget it...

"Metropolitan Area
Hunting and Fishing“

The First Republic

You couldn't possibly get it

Forty-year-olds on the pension
who danced on the grass

After ten years in the air force
that flew by so fast

And the paraplegic ushers gave a hop

And the deaf-and-dumb caretakers
sang pop

And for a cold they sent him far

Three months all paid at the spa

With an ingrown nail

On disability through the rest
of your life you will sail

The First Republic

You never forget it

The First Republic

You couldn't possibly get it!

“It all went back to the way it was,"
you'll say.

But, no.

There was something missing.

I realized it
when I saw that bird fly.

I'd kept the number.

Hello?

I saw a bird flying free
and I thought of you.

There's fuck all out here
this morning, Checco.

What do you mean,
there's nothing there?

Wait!

Bring me a quail, Liuzzi.

It's a great day,

because they recognized
my workplace injury

and I have an extra 216 euros
in my pension!

Nothing to sneeze at.

Quails, the way I do them...
Where's he going?

- I don't know, he got a call.
- From whom?

I was angry, I wasn't going to tell
you, but that's not fair.

- I'm pregnant.
- Do you know the ethnicity?

All I'll say is he stays in
the same position, permanently.

You mean, it's mine?

Yes, it's your child.

Where are you now?

That's why I'm here, Dogon.

Friends, in a few hours,
I'll be a father,

and maybe the Lord will give me
a fine little boy.

Dogon, I beg you to let me go.

You've led a miserable life,
thinking only about your privileges.

Doing that, you've sealed
your own fate.

His daughter is expecting a baby too.

Bye, tell him.

- A child can change your life.
- I agree.

Be a better man than you were,
we can go.

Thank you, Dogon, thanks, guys.

But fuck you!

Thank you, Dogon,
I'll name him after you.

I'm really nervous.

Relax, it'll be a fine little boy.

She's beautiful.

- What did you call her?
- I was waiting for you.

- I like Ines.
- Lovely. It means 'purity'.

Also Institute of National
Enterprise of the State.

- Are you leaving straightaway?
- No, open the folder.

You've resigned.

Three months parental leave,

plus a buddy who's a doctor
gave you typhus, and me, malaria.

That's another six months.

If you want to swap,
I'm fine with that.

And for Ines, I got them to do...

Ines might actually have
some infection

and there are no vaccines here.

- There aren't?
- No, they cost too much.

When they arrive, if they arrive,
they're rationed.

- Rationed for my daughter'?
- Yes!

I'll show you what we do
where I come from.

What donation?

Can't you see where we are'? Don't
you feel moved, compassionate?

Give me the baby.

It's procedure.

It so happens...

Come here, darling.

Gather up your stuff,
your papers and go.

Zalone, you've ruined my life.

At the end of the month I'm being
transferred, what more do you want?

Don't move! Stay right there!

Have you taken
antidepressants before?

I've heard a lot about you.

Really? From Zalone?

You'll find he's matured.

Here are your 31,182 euros.

I asked for 50 thousand.

This is what you're entitled to, it's
too late, there are no funds left.

Right...

What are we going to do?

I know.

You put the rest in.

If you laugh, I won't sign.

Sit down!

All right, I'll make up
the difference.

Now.

It doesn't work,
it's a sign of destiny.

Sweetheart, I'll take yours.

This is your entitlement...

My check, I hope
you spend it all on medicine.

“It's not out of compassion,

it's out of politeness.“

Where is she?

- Where's our little granddaughter?
- Here she is!

Just kidding. It's her granddaughter.

Take the original one back,
the branded one's coming.

Look what I made for you.

You wanted to be grandparents?
Go ahead. We're off to do research.

You're so beautiful.

If your son had kept his position,
she'd be getting family payments.

Goddamn it!

I'm from Gioia Tauro!

I needed an assistant.

- Me, an assistant?
- I'll deduct your taxes.

We wanted to thank you

for this gesture of great generosity
for our hospital.

I can see you've got a big heart.

Thank you, doctor!

Welcome to my staff.

No, I'm sorry...

She's deeply moved.

The woman's got a big heart.

- Zalone!
- Hello!

- What surprise have you got for me?
- Did you see?

- I'm deeply moved.
- Even you have a heart!

You know what I think?

It's wonderful to give others a hand.

Even two!