All language subtitles for Me.MYSELF.and.I.S01E09.Thanksgiving.TBS

The best thing about Thanksgiving

is there is no wrong
way to celebrate it.

Whether you're following
old traditions...

All right, Abby. Have fun with your mom.

No... no, I don't want you
to put Grandma Helen on.

No, that's the one
silver lining of divorce.

Nothing, sweetheart.

Just eat a lot of pie,
and I'll see you on Sunday.

_

Or starting new traditions...

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
What do you want to do?

Actually, I have a last-minute meeting
in Vancouver.

Who works on Thanksgiving?

Every other country besides ours.

You would know this if you
didn't quit like a wimp

after some minor health scare.

It was a massive heart attack,

and I didn't quit.

I retired.

What's the difference?

When you retire, you get a watch.

It was your company.

I bought myself a watch.

Even if everything else
in your life changes,

there's always one tradition
that makes Thanksgiving perfect.

Hey, guys.

Okay, well, have a good weekend.

So you know how I said
both of us liking Nori

wouldn't be a problem?

- It might be a problem.
- Huge problem.

Plus, my calves are super exhausted

from standing
ever-so-slightly on my toes.

You know what? It's gonna be good

to take a break from
all this for four days.

Yeah.

Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving.

Nori Sterling!

Nori's coming to Thanksgiving?

- Mm-hm.
- My Nori?

I m... our Nori?
I mean, not ours, but...

- Nori Sterling?
- Yes.

I ran into her mother
at the grocery store.

She and Nori's dad have
to go to town last-minute

because of a sick aunt.

Alcoholism.

Anyway, they're leaving Nori
home with her older brother,

so I said we'd have the kids over
for Thanksgiving dinner.

Mom, I'm not sure that's a great idea.

I know. You're worried it's already

a lot of pressure on me,
cooking my first Thanksgiving

for our new family.

Yes, that was exactly our concern.

Well, don't worry!

I know I'm not the greatest cook,

but I found some amazing insider tips

in this new magazine called
"Martha Stewart Living."

But isn't Thanksgiving
supposed to be about family,

to the exclusion of all others?

Well, what could be more
in the spirit of the holiday

than inviting people who
have nowhere else to go?

It'll be like they're the Pilgrims

and we're the welcoming natives.

I don't think she remembers
how that story ends.

What is that?

Divorce Thanksgiving.

Looked into Postmating
a giant turkey leg

from Disneyland, but apparently
the driver would have to buy

an all-day pass.
Getting too complicated.

What are you talking about?

You're obviously
celebrating here with us.

I mean, with Abby at her
mom's and your parents away

on their annual "keep Maggie
out of the kitchen" cruise...

Yeah, every year,
Ron gets horribly seasick,

but he says it beats
her cranberry sauce.

So it's settled. You're in.

Are you sure about this?
I don't want to be a burden.

You live in my garage.

Having you over for one meal
is not what makes you a burden.

Ooh, you took a shot at me.

Feels like Thanksgiving already.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What are you doing here?

I thought you had plans
with your girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Oh, no, I wouldn't
call her my... Well, the nomenclature

is somewhat undecided at the moment.

Anyway, she's out of town on business.

Oh, that's too bad.

So I was thinking,
Abby has a Bulls game in Boston,

Richard's out of town,
so you and I could do a...

I don't know,
let's call it "completely casual

platonic Friendsgiving"?

- Catchy.
- Ha.

But I can't. I've got to work all day.

What kind of weirdo
comes here for Thanksgiving?

Hey, I'm here for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, and you're a weirdo, Tom.

Copy that.

So what? Come on.

Can't take a break
for just a little bit?

I'm sorry. I wish I could.

Okay.

So today, I guess, um...

I'm one of those weirdos.

Just today, Mr. 50-year-unrequited-love?

Shut up, Tom.

Copy that.

Martha says to have two
or three craft options,

so to be safe, I went with nine.

My famous mashed potatoes are done.

Good Lord, Maggie,
leave some glue sticks

for the rest of the world.

I just want our first
Thanksgiving as a family

to be perfect, okay?

It will be, sweetheart.

How's the turkey coming along?

Ah, crap.

Making memories, boys.

Okay.

Nori's going to be here any minute.

We're gonna have to spend
the whole day with her.

We need to figure something out.

- Like what?
- Some ground rules

to make sure everything stays fair

and we don't kill each
other when she's here.

Smart.

Okay, uh, how about this?

Rule number one:

neither of us is allowed
to be alone with Nori.

Okay, but what if one of us
has to go to the bathroom?

Rule number two:

in the event of a bathroom break,
we agree that

the non-bathroom-goer
will excuse himself

to do something of equal duration,
away from Nori.

- But it can't be cool.
- Agreed. Cannot be cooler

than going to the bathroom.

This is a great set of rules.

We should get a Nobel
Peace Prize for them.

Yeah. Move over, Mikhail Gorbachev.

I can't believe Russians
aren't the bad guys anymore.

And they never will be again.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Terrible sweater.

Ha, ha! I know, right?

Sarah always hated it, but guess what?

She's not here.

And neither is Abby. It's actually
my first Thanksgiving without her.

I think you made the right choice,
sacrificing Thanksgiving for Christmas.

Yeah, Christmas is
the divorced parent's Holy Grail.

Now what do you say we start
filling up this little bad boy

with some marshmallows and yams?

Well, actually, this year,
we're doing a low-carb Thanksgiving.

Low-carb Thanksgiving.

Oh, God, that's not a joke.

Ah, you won't even
notice the difference.

- But you will have pie?
- No, but we have...

Zucchini torte.

"Zucchini torte."

Oh, god, none of these are jokes.

Alex, why don't you go
change that sweater

before we sit down?

What? It's fun.

Come on, it's just us. Who cares?

Wait, it is just us, right?

I may have invited a friend.

Did you set me up on Thanksgiving?

Is this a Thanksgiving setup?

No, although you did say
you were ready to get back out there.

Yeah, but not with some random woman.

I'll get the door.

Calm down. It's not a setup.

Is it possible to turn
that sweater inside-out?

No?

Okay.

Come on in.

Nori.

Kelly.

Random woman.

Lisa!

I'm so glad you could join us.

Well, thank you for having me.

I brought this bag of almonds.

It was the only thing in
my house that was low-carb.

Lisa, this is Darryl's
business partner, Alex.

- Hi.
- Alex,

Lisa is a good friend.

She also likes basketball.

Oh, wow, so we're both fans

of the most popular
sport in the country.

What are the chances?

Lisa, Alex is an inventor
who was born in Chicago,

and, Alex, Lisa went to college
in Chicago.

Nice.

Chicago... is... nice...

Mm-hm.

Pizza.

Pizza is nice.

Oh, this is going really well.

Kelly, what are you doing here?

Me? What are you doing here?

You were supposed to meet
me at the airport hours ago.

I was?

Nah.

I just love messing with an old man.

We couldn't fly into Vancouver
'cause of fog,

so I'm grounded for a few hours.

How did you find me here?

Well, I triangulated the coordinates
from your last text and...

Come on. When are you not here?

So, can I meet her?

Who?

I have no idea who you're talking about.

You know what? I think... Let's leave.

Hi. Where are you going?

Oh, is this your girlfriend?

Girlfriend? Did you hear that, Alex?

We're official.

- I am Kelly.
- Eleanor.

So you went to middle school with Alex?

I need to hear all the stories.

No, no, she doesn't have time for that.

It's the Thanksgiving rush.

Actually, the rush is over.

Well, I'm sure you gotta
get ready for Christmas.

Or not.

Do you want to hear how sweet he was,

or a bunch of embarrassing stuff?

I think we both know the answer to that.

Just...

Nori.

May I take your jacket,

while Alex, equally helpfully,
takes your bag?

- Sure.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, my mom said
to thank you for inviting us.

- Oh...
- And to compliment your food,

even though it probably
won't be any good.

Okay, I don't think you were supposed
to say that last part.

I was not.

Hm.

Well, I'm gonna go check on the turkey.

It should be done.

It's been almost an hour, so...

Hey, Nori. That's a really cool shirt.

And I like it exactly
as much as he does.

No more, no less.

Thanks. I love the Chili Peppers.

Scott introduced me to them.

I'm seeing them at the Forum next week.

I'm a huge pepper-head.

I can name all four band members, so...

Scott has great taste in music.

I pretty much like everything he likes,

and not just music.

I mean,
he has great taste in everything.

Interesting.

You know, Scott,

I also love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Yeah, man? Sweet.

And might I just add,
Scott, those sneakers

are super rad.

K-Swiss, if I'm not mistaken?

Hey, good eye, little dude.

Who wants some cheese and crackers?

I'd load up.

Might be the only food
you're getting for a while.

I know what you're doing.

Nori likes everything that Scott likes,

so you're trying to
get Scott to like you

so that Nori will like you.

So? That's not against the rules.

Fine, you found a loophole,
but that means

I'm allowed to try and win
Scott's heart, too.

You know, for the purpose of
trying to win his sister's heart.

Hey, Scott, can I spread the cheese
on your cracker for you?

Let me do it, Scott.

Let me spread your cheese.

Hey.

Thank you, Wendy.

Thank you. I already have wine, but...

No, I'll take a little more.

Thank you.

It's good.

It's good.

Hey, Wendy, I could go for some cheese.

Oh, yeah, I'd... I'd love some cheese.

Come on, Jasmine,
let's go get some cheese.

I don't want cheese.

Getting cheese is a three-person job.

Let's go.

Hey, just so you know,
I had nothing to do with

this cartoonishly obvious setup.

If I had, I would've worn
my turkey pants,

to match my sweater.

You don't really have
turkey pants, do you?

- Um...
- You have turkey pants?

I do. I have turkey pants,

yes, to go with the sweater.

What is it about married people

that makes them so obsessed

with setting up their single friends?

I don't know.

It's like they're
starved for entertainment

the second "Game of Thrones" ends.

You know what? I say...

if they want entertainment,
let's give them a real show.

Should I...

- No, you don't need your turkey pants.
- Cool, cool, thank you.

You never told me you were the president
of the middle school inventors' club.

I was also the vice president,
secretary, treasurer...

And the entire membership.

That's not true.

Darryl came to a couple meetings.

Because you told him
pizza would be served.

I'm not enjoying this.

I still don't understand

why you two never got
together in junior high.

Well, you know, same old story.

Boy meets girl,

boy spits mint into girl's mouth
in front of the entire school,

girl loses interest in boy,

boy loses interest in mints.

I didn't lose interest in you.

After he spit a mint in your mouth? Ugh.

The other day,
he tried to take a sip of my soda.

I almost broke up with him.

If you didn't lose interest,
why didn't we go out?

Because you never asked.

I don't know what
she's talking about, because...

I never asked.

Teenage boys are so pathetic.

I haven't found older men to
be much of an improvement.

Well, I'm finding older women to be...

...to be the greatest
resource this country has.

Ah, everything is fantastic, Wendy.

Especially the company.

How is it that you
don't have a girlfriend?

I guess I never went to
the right Thanksgiving.

Can I watch "Moana"?

Oh, but we haven't said
what we're thankful for.

I'm thankful for "Moana."

I'd like to make a toast.

First, I'd like to say

that I'm thankful for old friends,

and new friends,

who have the potential
to be so much more.

Told you this would work.

For the past eight months,
I have been wandering, adrift,

floating through life, alone,

but tonight,

I see land.

Is that from "Moana"?

I'm thankful for friends
like Wendy and Darryl,

the compass which guided me
to this gorgeous woman's shores.

Well, drop anchor,

but watch out for the riptide.

So the waves are rough, huh?

Uh, they can be if they...

if they need to be.

Oh, yeah.

- Mommy, the D...
- Go back to your room!

- Who's your friend?
- That's Kenny.

Hey, Kenny,
you might want to shut your eyes.

Uh-oh.

How long until the turkey's ready?

An hour,

if I put it in eight hours ago.

Well, that's not ideal,

because the hunger is clearly
making the kids delusional.

Sweet wallet chain.

You've got amazing hair.

Oh...

I better speed things up.

Is there anything ready?

We may have gotten a bit off-schedule,

but I have one last potential
tradition to test out.

Let's all go around and say
what we're thankful for.

I'll go first.

I'm thankful my dad, Maggie,

and adorable little bro here

could host such esteemed guests as Nori,

and especially Scott,

who's like the rad older brother
I never had. Cheers.

You know, I am also thankful
that Scott is here,

and I also think that

he is like the older brother
that I also don't have.

Well, I'm thankful

I don't have to cuddle with my Ewok doll
when there's thunder outside.

Well, I'm thankful I
didn't start crying so hard

during "Fievel Goes West"
that my mom had to take us home early!

You said you wouldn't
tell anyone about that!

And Chewie's not an Ewok.
He's a Wookiee.

Ah! The turkey!

Next year, we're taking a cruise.

You know, when I found out
Alex was having Thanksgiving here,

I thought, "What a weirdo,"
but the food is fantastic.

Oh, you're sweet.

You two are really hitting it off,
aren't you?

Did you think that we would not?

No, I-I... obviously, I'm very happy

that you like each other.
I guess I just thought that

a meal between my girlfriend
and my girl... friend...

there might just be the
tiniest morsel of jealousy.

And who would be jealous?

I don't know. You.

Or you. Or either, or both.

Oh, I see, you wanted us to have

a pillow fight over you or something?

No, no...

Well, if that's on the table...

What is there to be jealous about?

I'm with Richard, you're with Kelly,

who is amazing, by the way.

Oh, right back at you, girlfriend.

We're all happy.

Yeah.

We're all happy.

Oh, looks like my flight's back on.

I gotta run.

I will let you know as soon as I land.

I'll get you some pie to go.

Oh, no, that's okay,
but I will be contacting you

for those pictures of teenage Alex
in his frosted-tips phase.

Hey, let's not wait
till next Thanksgiving

to do this again.

Oh, let's never do this again.

Good-bye.

Number two is before
number five on the list.

But you did the...

I know what you guys are doing.

Did you really think your stupid plan
was going to work?

- Nori, listen, we can explain.
- We can explain.

Explain what? You're obviously

just trying to get Scott to
give you his extra ticket

to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert.

- Extra ticket?
- Yeah, that's exactly

what we were doing.

Definitely nothing stupider.

Well, you better back off.

I've been sucking up to Scott

and agreeing to his
dumb opinions for weeks.

That ticket is mine,

and if you try to fight me for it,

you will lose.

I thought this would go without saying,

but when wooing a woman,

don't woo the brother.

The woman's the one you want to woo.

New tradition. We're going out.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- You like it?
- I do. I love it.

I think they really like each other.

I think I want to be sick.

Mm.

I think they're buying it.

Totally.

Look, they're about to come back.

- Do you trust me?
- I think so.

- Just go with this.
- Okay.

Okay, we've got zucchini torte...
Oh, my god!

- Oops, sorry.
- This is so embarrassing.

Oh, God, we must look
like a couple of teenagers.

But I just can't get enough
of this wonderful woman.

Noses, noses, noses!

Noses, noses, noses.

Somehow that is grosser
than actual kissing.

Shh! We wanted this.

Kind of.

I know we have only but just met,

but when you know, you know.

What are you saying?

Lisa,

whatever your last name is,

I love you.

Oh!

Will you marry me?

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!

- Oh, goodness!
- Yes, yes!

All right, all right. We get it.

You guys are messing with us.

Thank you, thank you.

Just a little payback for a blind setup
on Thanksgiving.

I would be pissed at you guys
if I wasn't so thankful that was fake.

I thought you wanted us to get together.

Yeah, that went out the window when

you let him eat a green
bean off your chin.

Well played, well played.

Well, tonight was a total bust.

Much like the first Thanksgiving,

our first Thanksgiving
together was ruined

by the hottest girl in school.

Okay, look, Justin.

It wasn't Nori that ruined Thanksgiving.

It was us.

Yeah, you're right.

Tonight, I really saw a side
of myself I didn't like.

Yeah, and I really saw a side of you
I didn't like, either.

But maybe, I was also kind of
being a little bit of a jerk.

You said it was okay that I liked Nori,

but I don't want that to mean
we're competing against each other.

Yeah. I mean, Nori's great, but...

you're my brother,
and I'm thankful you are.

Let's agree that whatever happens,

we won't let girls come between us.

Deal.

Bros before girls.

Man, if that rhymed,
it would be perfect.

Bye, guys. Thank you.

Hey. Just gonna walk her out.

Okay, so we both agree that

a low-carb Thanksgiving
is fundamentally un-American, right?

Yeah, I feel like we have to report them
to Homeland Security.

- Can I admit something?
- Yeah.

We're fake engaged.
We can't keep secrets.

The thing is, uh...

that was my first kiss
since the divorce.

Oh, my God,
I'm sorry I attacked you like that.

No, no, having my first kiss
be a joke kiss

actually took the pressure off.

I had a lot of fun hanging
out with you tonight.

Yeah.

You almost made up for
Wendy's vegan zucchini torte.

Nothing can make up for that torte.

You're right.
You didn't even come close.

Who has Thanksgiving without pie?

I don't know.

We can never give Wendy and Darryl

the satisfaction of knowing
that this worked.

Deal.

Well, what do you think?

If I'm being honest,

this might be the best
pie I have ever tasted.

Thank you.

And if I'm being honest,

I was a little jealous.

Best Thanksgiving ever.

There's no wrong way to
celebrate Thanksgiving.

Whether you spend it with old friends...

New friends...

Or family, both old and new,

you can't go wrong, as long as you have
people you care about.

Oh, and pie. You gotta have pie.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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