Original subtitles

Previously on "The Magicians"...

Hey, would you break up with me if I told you

that I have never been happier in my entire life?

You wished my boyfriend away.

Boyfriend?

Other people aren't supposed to get between us.

This is the most pathetic loser dream ever.

This is all in your head. I'm in your head.

Marina didn't betray my mom; she cleaned up her mess.

Wait, you know who has a ton of new stuff?

Marina.

Run.

Help! Help!

There are good people out there, Julia,

people trying to learn about the world

and make it a better place.

I need a key to unlock the door to Fillory.

Let's see this button.

Delicious Vegan Sausages, Cheese and Burgers - Vegusto.co.uk

The hell am I?

Hi.

I come in peace.

Do you talk?

Haven't seen you around here before.

First-timer.

From?

Not here.

You?

Eh, nice try, psychic.

Gonna need to get to know a girl a little better

before she lets you go running around up there.

- Yeah, I wasn't. - You were, but it's okay.

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

- I'm Eve. - Penny.

- Do you live here? - Mm-hmm.

Born and raised.

I'm actually kind of the welcome committee.

I keep track of the fountains. I felt you come through.

Please tell me that I can help you get where you need to go.

Okay, where are we exactly?

- The Neitherlands. - And that is...

The Neitherlands are sort of the placebetween all other places.

It's how you get from A to B.

Which fountain did you come out of?

- Over there. Earth. - Ooh.

You know, we don't get too many of you guys,

but when you come, you always have the most interesting magic.

So?

Tell me, what brought you here?

Hmm?

I've pretty much seen it all...

enchanted capes, rings.

This one guy, he rode a sled pulled by flying...

what do you call them?

Not zebra.

Reindeer.

- Santa Claus? - Yeah.

You know him? He's a really nice guy, right?

Yeah. No.

What? I...

No, I didn't have anything like that.

Just a button.

That's new.

Can I see it?

God damn it.

Oh, my God.

What?

I need your help to fix the hyperdrive

and get a message to my friends.

I can help you if you help me find my dragons.

Let's do it.

Let's find your dragons,

and I... oh, hey, look.

I respect the shit out of you both,

and you are leaders,

and you're people, and I'm a feminist...

If you would just shut up for two seconds,

this sex dream would pass the Bechdel test, Quentin.

God.

Nice dream, loser.

Why do you ruin everything in my life?

- Alice. - Huh?

- I just talked to Penny. - Wait, what?

Where is he? What happened?

It's not what it looks like.

I mean, it looks like a Grade A nerd-boy wet dream,

and I want... God, I want to make fun of you,

but the more I consider it,

you might be some kind of savant.

Look. Where have you been?

So wait. I was making out with who?

Uh, nobody.

You said I was there making out with someone.

No. Yes.

Not... I mean, not that it's important.

It was sort of Julia.

Julia.

Your lifelong crush.

Dreams are weird. People are...

naked, and animals are smoking cigarettes.

I... look. Here's what's important.

You've been gone for six weeks.

No, I've been gone six hours.

Shit.

- Where are you, anyway? - The Neitherlands.

I thought it might be some Fillory shit.

Uh, I mean, it sounds familiar, but...

It's, like, fountains and plazas up the ass,

and then the fountains, they all go to different worlds.

I'll check the books when I wake up.

Man, the one time I need you to know this Comic-Con shit.

Why don't you just jump back into the Earth fountain?

'Cause I'm lost.

There's three moons here, Quentin.

My internal compass is having a grand mal seizure.

Okay, so why don't you just travel back here?

If you can "Inception" me from there...

I can't aim.

If I try to travel back, I could end up dead.

Look. I need your help.

What do we know about these Neitherlands?

I don't remember them from the "Fillory" books.

There's not much.

In "The Wandering Dune," Jane and Rupert

meet this talking dromedary named Cameltoes.

No. Seriously?

- Amazing. - It was 1943.

It wasn't a dirty thing to say back then.

Anyway, he talks about a world between worlds,

and then he vanishes, and that's it.

I might know somebody who can help us, who's traveled.

Well, you've never mentioned that before.

Well, we've never been this desperate before.

Okay, so we're all in agreement.

We should ask the lizard man.

What?

The lizard man over there.

Eliot. Honey, what are you on?

Some pinks, a green,

and a tab of something called "chocolate sunshine."

I really like the name. Do you like the name?

Uh.

Maybe I shouldn't have had that green.

Maybe you should get checked out at the infirmary.

That's nonsense.

Me strong like bull.

Let's go on a quest.

You two go talk to Alice's whatever.

Eliot, honey, maybe you and I should go upstairs and rest.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are my eyes open or closed right now?

How about now?

Shit.

Shit.

Uh, coming!

Don't worry. It's only me.

I was just checking the Free Trader app

to see if you'd imploded.

I kept that offline.

Uh, so... what do I call you?

Like, Richard or Failstaff or...

Richard, though some of the others

might prefer their log-in names.

Hey, when was the last time you unplugged?

- It's been a while. - Oh.

But, I mean, when was the last time

I had actual friends to discuss "Godel, Escher, Bach" with?

But listen. The portals are gonna take me a couple hours

to calculate if you want to, you know, straighten up.

Thank God.

Listen, do you mind if we commandeer the guest room

for the project?

Um, what project?

Aha.

Ah, you and Asmodeus will learn more once you've leveled up.

The next 12 spells.

No mistakes.

Wow.

"The," um...

"The Spellbinder"?

I mean, it was right there.

Mm.

Yeah, because it's a binder filled with spells.

Hi.

You must be Vicious Circe.

I'm Silver.

- Hi. - Bender.

Thanks for having me.

I'm extremely happy finally to meet you face-to-face.

I've taken the liberty of writing a cooperative variation

on the spell I sent you last week.

Menolly. Finally, in person.

How you feeling?

So good.

I am danked as shit right now, girl.

The perks of chemo just keep rolling in.

Hi.

Asmodeus is the last one.

She's actually just coming from uptown,

but rush hour, you know.

- Hi. - Asmodeus.

Welcome.

You two know each other.

Obviously I didn't realize that you two had history,

and I don't want to dismiss it,

but we are running out of time here,

and we need both of you.

Okay?

Of course.

I've never been to Chicago before.

This isn't Chicago; it's the 'burbs.

We should make this fast.

Maybe you can wait outside while I run in.

Come on, Vix, when are you gonna tell me

who we're here to see?

What's the big secret?

Just let me do the talking.

Jesus, it's like the TARDIS in here.

What kind of magic are these people using?

Thibadeau's Planar Compression.

It's really not a big deal.

Alice, who's house is this, exactly?

Alice.

Hi, Dad.

So glad you guys could make it for the Veneralia,

the Roman festival of Venus.

Did Alice tell you I study historical magic?

We celebrate all the Roman holidays around here.

Jesus Christ, how come you didn't tell me

we were coming to see your parents?

Because I knew you'd make a big deal out of it

and act like this.

Well... I... so they're travelers?

Amongst other things?

No, my mom just knows a traveler.

Look, it's complicated. Just... shh.

Let me handle it.

Really hope you can come back for the Saturnalia.

Much less tame than this whole thing.

- Right. This is a little tame. - Hmm.

Dad, I need to talk to Mom, like, now.

It's important.

Well, after a frolic,

she'll usually head for the tepidarium.

Can you please just call it the bath?

Nonsense. This is my domus.

I shall call it what I please.

Ugh.

Okay, look.

Distract my dad. I'll be 30 minutes, tops.

Please?

So, dating my daughter, eh?

Let's have a little fatherly chat.

I can't believe I gave up tickets

to "Hamilton" for this.

Um, sorry you have to do your job.

Ugh, story of my life.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with him.

Really? Nothing at all?

Well, he has a massive drug problem,

but at least he's medicating, hmm?

Ah.

- Thank you. - Hmm.

You, on the other hand,

appear to require medical intervention.

What?

That was me?

Yep.

Something's draining her chi, her life force...

or someone.

So, okay, I know that this is embarrassing,

but trust me, dying is worse.

Have you engaged in any unprotected rituals

of any kind?

Be honest.

God.

That son of a bitch.

They're chanting something.

Uh, look. We should get started.

We have a lot of spells to get through.

You know, first, I just want to be clear.

Richard might be about forgiveness,

but I'm sure as shit not.

Look, I'm sorry you and your mom had a shitty relationship,

but not a day goes by where I don't feel terrible

about what happened to her.

I did not cause her death, okay?

I only wish that I could've stopped it.

I'm just trying to make up for my past,

just like you.

Did she suffer?

She said she loved you.

Yeah, I know she did.

So are we gonna do this, or what?

Whoa.

William.

You're late.

I'm what? Who are you?

You always ask the same questions.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You never do.

I'm a member of The Order,

the keepers of the libraries of the Neitherlands,

the greatest repository of knowledge, full stop.

Any idea who the motherfuckers in the hoods are

that are trying to kill me?

The locals used to work for us in a custodial function,

but labor relations have become somewhat...

strained of late.

We had to ban them from the libraries.

They've been thoroughly cursed, so they can't use the fountains,

but that hasn't stopped them from finding other employment,

some with a particularly nasty entity.

The Beast?

Well, he has many names.

Look, this is all great,

but I'm just trying to get back to the Earth fountain.

Can you show me where it is?

I suppose I could order you a map,

but it'd have to come from another branch.

Great, let's do that.

Interlibrary loans typically take

two to four weeks to process.

Are you kidding? That's two years on my world.

Then I'm afraid we are limited

to the resources of this branch.

Follow me.

Alice?

Hi, Mom.

Alice.

Fine.

Stephanie.

You know how I feel about "Mom."

I just... I have an important question to ask you.

Sure.

Push past everything you left on the table

the last time we spoke.

I'm sure you've forgotten all about it.

Oh, my God.

You're really not gonna let that go, are you?

Because we haven't finished discussing it.

It was six months ago.

Look, I just...

Mom... Stephanie,

I don't see the point in talking about it.

We don't agree on it, and we're never going to.

Well, because you act like there's something wrong with me.

No, I just think it's weird that you...

you're not at all curious about what happened to Charlie.

It's not gonna bring him back, so I don't want to know...

Which is a perfectly reasonable position

in spite of how you judge me.

Fine. Okay, fine.

Okay, I don't need that patronizing tone.

Then what do you want from me?

How about... hmm...

you admit that your mother is a human being,

because you act like you're the only one

who has a right to feel.

No, I don't.

I just...

Okay.

I think we're done talking.

This conversation has worn me out entirely.

Excuse me.

I just feel like I'm being pulled back into this version

of me when I was, like, 12 and furious

and invisible and mute.

Ugh, she just fucking does that to me.

Well, I'm sure being cooped up in your old room helps.

It's like going back in time to 2004.

The "Garden State" soundtrack.

Hey, that was cool when it came out.

"The Joy of Sex"?

Is that, uh, Stephanie?

My dad.

He meant well.

But my mom made him give me the version from the '70s

because she thinks that kids should know

what pubic hair looks like.

Jesus Christ.

I can't imagine what you must be thinking of me right now.

It's cool.

I'm, like, really into damaged chicks.

Like Julia?

Alice, I don't know what you think Julia and I were,

but the truth is that we weren't anything.

We were two kids who tested well,

got placed together, and I got a crush

because that's how hormones work,

and she didn't, and I got over it,

and the end.

I'm kind of new to this whole thing,

if you hadn't guessed.

All my past relationships were, like, you know, at a party.

"Can we just do this standing up?" kind of thing.

Well, the fact that you could want

to have sex with anyone

after living in this house is pretty impressive.

Thanks.

So what's the deal with this traveler?

Why can't we just ask?

I mean...

Okay, so...

My mom knows this traveler from another world, Joe.

- Joe? - Yeah.

Apparently his actual name is impossible to pronounce.

Anyway, it's kind of a touchy subject,

and I think that it's best that when I talk to my mom,

my dad's not around.

Why? Is she sleeping with Joe?

And your dad doesn't know?

Alice, they were having a sex party when we showed up.

Look, I know it sounds ridiculous,

but my parents are weird and possessive,

and they just have to do everything together.

Look, when I was ten,

my dad caught my mom having an affair,

and he threatened to commit suicide.

Oh, my God.

He said he had to go extreme just to get her attention,

which... he was psychotic,

but he wasn't wrong.

I think he would have done it if she hadn't come around.

Well...

Now I kind of feel like a dick for making fun

of your "Garden State" soundtrack.

Total dick.

Now you have to help me.

I think that was one of your memories.

Yeah.

- Antarctica. - Jesus.

What brought you there?

Brakebills.

So what happened?

I mean, why'd you leave?

They found out my deal,

and it was either stay and get brain-wiped

or jet.

I was heading to New York.

I was coming to kill Marina.

Well, then what happened?

I met Richard,

and he convinced me Marina could wait

and invited me to join the Free Trader Beowulf,

which sounded... I don't know...

maybe better than death or jail, so...

Uh, everything okay in there?

Yeah, great. All good.

I know a hundred ways to break in.

We have four spells left.

Let's just finish, okay?

Then they have to let us in on their project.

Just a little further.

Wait a minute. I... I know these people.

Well, every book is here...

all the books ever written, all the books never written,

all the books of all the people who ever lived.

This is my book.

Yo.

Why are there all these flowers and shit on the cover?

People who read their books often discover

they don't like the main character

and are rarely happy with how it ends.

Ah. Here it is.

Wait, Martin? That's...

That's one of the Fillory kids.

Okay, is there anything in there about The Beast?

I'm sorry. I can't lend you this.

Not without a library card.

Course you can't.

You know, shit like this is why people hate librarians.

What are you doing?

Here's what would happen if we did what you're thinking:

you'd try to steal this book by force,

we'd fight, you'd lose,

but you'd rip out several pages

before I banished you from the library.

This way, no books get hurt.

Ff...

I hate this place.

Oh, here. You have to try this.

Mmm.

- Filleted goat penis. - Mmm.

Promotes virility. Hmm?

That's very thoughtful of you, Dad.

Oh.

So, Daniel, you were saying that your discipline

is in historical magic.

Indeed. Ah.

The Romans still fascinate me.

In fact, I'm about to publish my third volume

on illusion work of the Collis Aventinus.

Oh, could I see it?

Well, it's still in galleys,

but I suppose I could show you...

Oh, great. Uh, that sounds great.

Could we... which... let's go now.

But you haven't even touched your penis.

You know what? I had a ton of it yesterday.

You said that it was this way.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, well...

Stephanie...

I was wrong, and you were right,

and I promise to be a better daughter in the future.

Right about what?

I couldn't possibly know how you feel

other than that you feel deeply,

and you are your own person,

and you're the only one

who knows how to deal with your stuff,

and it was wrong of me to presume.

Was that really so tough, sweetie?

Look, I know this is a tricky subject,

but my friend's life is in danger,

and I need to talk to you about Joe.

Joe. Oh!

I love Joe!

Would you hand me that minced parrot, please?

Wait. I don't understand.

I thought you wouldn't want Dad to hear.

Why on earth not?

Because it could destroy your marriage.

What? Your father loves Joe.

I don't understand.

I thought you were hiding him from him.

Nope.

Alice, you make me sound so melodramatic.

Fine, yes, sure.

At first, yeah,

your father was a touch sensitive,

but then he figured out

that Joe could work for both of us,

so now he's our third,

you know, in a sort of polyamorous-triad sense.

- So you and Joe and... - Yeah.

Joe's anatomy is adaptable.

He's like a Swiss Army knife.

He's good for every occasion.

So whatever do you want with Joe?

- I need his help. - Oh, sweetie.

I'm sure Quentin will understand.

You see two of you too, right?

Okay, good.

This stuff is finally starting to wear off.

Margo.

Uh, I can explain.

Explain this, you dick!

Hi.

I'm Eliot.

So what's up? How can I help?

Please know I'm a certified therapist at home

as well as here.

You can trust me completely.

No, no, no.

Like I said, our friend is trapped in the Neitherlands.

- Uh, acquaintance. - That place is the worst.

So confusing.

Not to mention those fountains. Completely unpredictable.

Wait, so you know your way around the Neitherlands?

Could you, like, draw us a map?

Yeah, I guess.

Of what I know.

It's not gonna do your friend any good

if he's very far from the Earth fountain,

although I might have something that could help with that.

Great. What?

It's a beacon.

You cast it here, and the fountain

for this world lights up there.

Okay, so how do we cast it?

Well, there are some specific requirements...

sexually speaking.

Wait. It's sex magic?

All magic where I'm from is sex magic.

Thought you knew that.

I could perform it with you if you'd prefer.

I'm a heck of a pinch hitter.

Think we've got this.

All right. Suit yourself.

I sense a nice connection between your genitals.

You should be fine.

You just need some blood,

a globe,

a few candles bound with twine.

Oh, and you both have to climax at the same time.

That gonna be a problem?

- No. - Well...

What?

I'm sorry.

We need the spell to work, right?

I can't believe I'm letting your boyfriend

talk to my boyfriend about how to...

ugh.

I've never been prouder,

although I must say

this one seems like an awful lot of work.

Who? Quentin?

You're complicated.

You need somebody who gets that about you.

Maybe several people.

Don't take this the wrong way, Mom,

but shut the fuck up, okay?

We'll talk when you're less cranky.

Cheers.

Darling.

Are you okay?

No.

I'm not okay, you dick.

- You stole my life force. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, there was a tiny hole in the casting.

I've corrected it. Won't happen again.

Shouldn't have happened at all.

I begged you to stay.

Margo, I... I needed you.

You broke my heart.

The only way I could repair it

was to create my golem of you.

A golem of Margo.

A Margolem.

You selfish prick.

You put my life at risk

so you could have a realistic-looking sex doll?

No, no, no. I...

I wanted a relationship.

Margo...

I love you.

And sometimes the only thing that we do is spoon and...

You're gross.

I'm taking the Margolem, and I'm going to destroy it,

and I hope no one ever spoons you again.

What?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I brought you to support me while I fight with my ex,

not do lines with the golem.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought this is how we support each other.

Is there something you want to say to me, Eliot?

No.

What is there to say?

I like your golem.

Life is a unicorn shitting rainbows of candy.

I'll, um...

I'll deal with the Margolem myself.

Just go home, Eliot.

You have the most beautiful hair.

And your eyes are, like,

the perfect shade of blue.

And you're also smart.

Okay, okay.

It kind of feels like you're trying to do a thing here.

I...

I was told that women like it when you compliment them.

Yeah, but it has to feel real, you know?

Since when is that an issue?

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Apparently you can't, you know, with me.

Not that you'd ever said that to my face.

Yeah, well, maybe you should pay better attention

when we're having sex.

I thought I was. I don't...

think that I've ever paid that much attention

to anything in my life,

and little did I know that you were so incredibly convincing.

But isn't that what you want, Quentin, huh?

To feel like you're perfect at it every time?

No, not if I'm not. I want...

How am I supposed to get better

if you won't tell me if I'm doing it wrong?

So have you, like,

ever come when we're together?

Yes.

Lots of times.

I mean it.

It's just sometimes...

sometimes it's not that easy,

you know, like when we were foxes.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a fox.

Well, there goes the mood.

Voilà.

Reverse entropy.

Spell number 12, done and done.

Hard to believe something so kludgy even works.

Perfect timing. Pizza.

A large half veggie, half meat.

Thank you.

Kady.

Do you see that?

Okay, what just happened?

Déjà vu.

Uh-huh.

A large half veggie, half meat.

Thank you.

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

Could it be the entropy spell?

No.

No, this is time magic... much more power involved.

Well, if we didn't cast it, who did?

Yeah!

Sit. Let's talk.

You've leveled up.

It's time.

No pun intended.

Not to state the obvious,

but we are pushing the boundaries

of what is magically possible.

We are working our way up to the energetic glass ceiling

so we can shatter it.

You say that like it's possible.

It is.

Well, not according to Brakebills.

No, the glass ceiling is

explode and turn into a niffin or something.

You can't just keep ramping.

Brakebills was right

if you go by Brakebills' methods.

We have a whole new methodology.

Yeah, but why?

I mean, what are you trying to do?

And don't just say "good things."

You're talking about massive nuclear power.

You're right. It's personal. Yeah.

We are the best Magicians we know.

Silver can literally fly to the moon.

But Menolly is dying, and we can't cure her.

You know, Bender's trying to stay off the ledge every day.

His meds have stopped working.

And you?

Eight years ago, I was a drug addict,

and I left my son

in a hot car.

And he was eight months old.

My life was destroyed.

Jesus.

You're doing time magic

to change what you did.

Yeah, but only a fluke natural-born time witch

could do something like that.

Now, I have done all the research there is,

and one day, I realized I was looking at it wrong.

We don't have the energy,

but it's not that we need to generate it,

because somebody already has it.

We just need them, and they can give us

inexhaustible, unimaginable power.

That's no one.

That's the Source.

That's the place it all comes from,

how people used to get shit done

when they needed a fucking miracle.

- The divine. - You're trying to...

Summon a god.

Your fave.

I'm sorry.

Can we really talk, baby?

I think Professor Lipson could have been wrong about me.

I think something might really be broken.

What the fuck?

Oh, Jesus.

There she is.

She has a bad habit of walking off,

although when she does,

it's nice to be reminded I have a great ass.

I thought you were going to destroy her.

Oh, I was, but then I thought

I'd keep her around a little longer.

She might come in handy.

What were you two talking about?

Nothing.

Got these for you, bitch.

Aww.

Thanks, bitch.

We need a chaser.

What did you do?

Hmm?

So I'm a dick.

I'm insecure, and I suck,

so if we could just give this another go,

I'll even... I don't know.

I'll be more fox-like if that's what you want.

I don't want that.

I don't get it, Alice.

I'm not amazing at magic,

and apparently, I'm pretty patchy at this.

Why are you even with me?

Because I like you.

A lot.

And I don't know why.

I just really, really do

in the weirdest way.

I don't think we're supposed to like people

for what they're good at.

I think that's something we make up to torture ourselves.

What about what we're bad at?

You... you're not bad at sex.

Okay, I'm just bad at asking for what I want.

It's embarrassing.

- It's me, Vix. - I know.

I know. I know.

And I love you.

And so as far as I'm concerned,

you know, let's just do this.

Oh.

Okay. Me too.

You.

Maybe just kiss me?

No.

There.

Bite me.

Oh, Quentin, you girly fanboy piece of shit.

You did it.

Whoa.

Welcome back.

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