Original subtitles

[rhythmic tapping]

‐ Oh, my God, do you have fleas?

What's going on?

‐ No idea what you're talking about.

‐ [loudly] He's out of cigarettes.

[heavy pop music playing over headphones]

That's why he's bugging out.

Kid has a serious nicotine addiction.

‐ No, I do not.

‐ If you need to smoke that bad, you know who has them.

‐ No, nope. Not talking to her.

Plus, she's pissed at me.

Look, fellas, I am good.

[pencil snaps]

TAKUMI: I bet she'd bum a few to Pudgie.

Least she could do after stomping on his heart.

‐ No way.

I'm not talking to her either.

If you haven't noticed, I'm not even saying her name.

Plus, I'm not the one with a cigarette addiction.

‐ Neither am I. Hey, wake up!

Wake up, God damn it! Where's the stash?

Don't hold out on me! ‐ You are unravelling rapidly.

‐ I am watching you. Where's it at?

You're supposed to be my friend.

Not happening to me. All these highlighters!

[growls, screams]

[indistinct chatter]

I want to apologize for my behavior.

I'm not proud of the way I acted

and I am ready to seek the help I so desperately need.

‐ So you've decided to ask Alaska for cigarettes?

COLONEL: Never.

‐ I thought we agreed that we weren't gonna use her name?

‐ I tried to do this cold turkey

and I am, admittedly, too weak,

so we pool our resources together and go to Coosa's.

‐ How is that gonna work?

You need to be 18 and you don't have an ID.

‐ But you do. TAKUMI: It's never worked.

COLONEL: You never tried.

TAKUMI: Because it will never work.

‐ Lara might have an ID.

She's sweet and kind and she was into me.

COLONEL: "Was." Operative word, there.

TAKUMI: Maybe find another girl and leave Lara alone.

Already puked on her. Isn't that enough?

COLONEL: Who cares about Pudge's love life

when my lungs are burning from all this fresh air?

TAKUMI: Okay, fine.

We'll make a Coosa's run ourselves.

We don't need she who will not be named.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[door opens] [bell jingles]

[door creaking]

[door closes] [bell jingles]

TAKUMI: Three packs of Hurricane Lights.

‐ You got ID?

[soulful country music playing over radio]

‐ This is Alabama.

There's white and everything else.

♪ ♪

We good? Pay the man, Mohammed.

GUS: Not even close.

To be honest, it's so bad it just bummed me out.

You kids can either buy yourselves some Twinkies

or get the hell out of my store.

‐ Can't believe you paid 50 bucks

for that piece of shit.

Oh, my Jesus. TAKUMI: She knows us well.

‐ If they're from Alaska,

shouldn't we just leave them here in protest?

‐ And what?

Let the next guy who comes along

reap the only benefits of a shitty ex‐friend's remorse?

‐ Might also be our last, best chance

to save the Colonel.

MILES: By killing him slowly one puff at a time.

‐ I'm good with that.

[heavy rap music playing over radio]

‐ Shit.

[music stops]

‐ That pleasurable experience last exactly zero seconds.

‐ It's the assholes we were looking for.

‐ What'd you guys buy, some cheese?

Uh, to feed the rat.

COLONEL: What's your point, Kev?

Do you see Alaska here?

‐ Rumor has it that some of y'all fed the rat on Thanksgiving.

Spent the whole week with her, too.

‐ That was a mistake.

One that won't be repeated.

‐ Well, if you want to stay safe,

just stay away from her.

‐ No problem.

LONGWELL: Well, consider yourself warned.

Alaska Young's gonna get what she deserves.

[tense, melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[car doors open]

♪ ♪

KEVIN: Don't plan on sitting here.

No rats.

[peppy pop music playing over headphones]

STUDENT: There's Alaska.

[all whispering indistinctly]

COLONEL: Fucking shitbirds.

I almost feel bad for her.

‐ Whatever they got planned, you know it's gonna be brutal.

Stupid, but brutal.

It's not like we can do anything.

Agreed to ice her out, right?

‐ Maybe we could tip her off?

I mean, not stop what's going downhill, obviously,

but let her know something big is gonna happen.

‐ Maybe an anonymous note.

‐ Okay.

I had mentally decided

not to be a part of this conversation,

but based on the direction that it's going in,

I have to interject.

Alaska would be the first to tell us

that's just reinforcing the patriarchy

and that she can take care of herself,

so let her.

[indistinct chatter]

COLONEL: Why is his arm around her?

‐ Oh, shit.

I was hoping it wasn't true.

I may have heard a rumor. ‐ And you didn't say nothing?

TAKUMI: It wasn't substantiated.

‐ Plus, you guys broke up.

EAGLE: All right, everybody. Eyes and ears on me.

Thank you, we're going to get started.

I hope everybody enjoyed themselves

over the Thanksgiving holiday.

Who's ready to end the semester strong?

All right, uh, we have a few things

that we need to get to.

College applications need to be emailed

by the end of next week, so proofread those essays

before hitting "send."

Thank you.

Oh, and also, as a reminder, uh,

most of these applications

require a teacher's recommendation

and I am available.

So, I, uh, believe that Ms. Moser‐‐

Ms. Moser‐‐ Holly has an announcement.

All right, welcome, Holly.

[applause]

‐ Whoo!

MOSER: Reminder, Culver Creek:

the Winter Dance is almost here.

Who wants to know this year's theme?

Drumroll, please.

[all stamping]

This year's theme is...

ugly Christmas sweaters!

[cheers and applause]

Buy your tickets now.

EAGLE: All right, great. Thank you, Holly.

Thank you. ‐ [giggles]

‐ What, are they suddenly Siamese twins

joined at the fucking hip?

‐ Look, she wants to dance. I love to dance.

‐ That can't be true. ‐ And terrifying to imagine.

‐ Okay, fine, I don't dance.

But I'm willing to try for her.

‐ You should think about it first.

No need to rush into anything.

‐ I'm not rushing, I'm realizing.

I've been chasing after Alaska, and maybe this whole time

the girl I was supposed to be with

was right in front of me.

Maybe everything that's happened

has led me to this moment.

To this dance.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ This should go well. ‐ Uh, one, please.

MILES: Um, allow me.

‐ Two tickets, please. STUDENT: What?

LARA: Miles, you're cutting the line.

MILES: Oh, no, I'm not cutting.

I'm paying for you... STUDENT: Come on!

‐ And for me, so we can go together.

‐ You do this without asking me first?

‐ Sorry, how many and who's paying?

LARA: Um, one. I'm sorry, Miles.

I just want to dance with my friends

and study for my exams.

It is all the stress I can handle.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ I'd like one, too.

I don't deserve to go with you now, Lara.

I understand that.

But I hope that by the night of the dance

I've won your trust and you've changed your mind.

Prepare to be swept off your feet.

HOLLY: If you're buying for yourself,

you need to go to the back of the line.

MILES: Right, yeah. No, of course.

Sorry.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

[approaching footsteps]

[birds chirping]

ALASKA: Hey, Hyde. How's it hanging?

HYDE: Just enjoying some fresh air.

And quiet.

‐ Yeah, well, this wasn't my first choice either,

but I'm afraid you're all I have left.

Finally, the kids at this school

can agree on something.

They all hate me.

‐ Nice to know I represent rock bottom.

‐ I fucked up.

Like I always do.

So...

now I'm all alone.

In hell.

So...

can I please just sit here with you

and not be alone...

for as long as it takes to finish my sandwich?

‐ Do you know why I'm drawn to Buddhism, Ms. Young?

‐ Mm‐mm.

‐ They don't believe in hell.

Or heaven, for that matter.

People don't have eternal souls.

Instead, they are a bundle of energy

reincarnating endlessly

until it eventually reaches...

enlightenment.

♪ ♪

Meaning, as painful as this is,

it will change.

♪ ♪

‐ I fucking love you, Hyde.

[hopeful music]

♪ ♪

[sighs] All right, Melville,

let's finally do this shit.

♪ ♪

‐ Stop staring.

COLONEL: Don't flatter yourself.

Your snoring is keeping me up.

MILES: I'm not snoring, I'm reading.

Did you know that during World War II,

Romania fought for both sides‐‐

‐ Fine, it's your breathing. ‐ I'm barely breathing.

MILES: Exactly, I keep feeling compelled to check

and make sure you're still alive.

It's very disconcerting.

‐ Are you sure that this concern for my wellbeing

doesn't have to do with anything else?

‐ Like what?

‐ Like guilt?

Knowing the Weekday Warriors are planning to do something

and not doing anything about it‐‐

‐ What is there to do?

I mean, you said it yourself, Pudge.

Alaska Young is fully capable of taking care of herself.

Plus, she started all this,

so whatever happens, it's on her.

You know what, I'm sick of arguing.

It's stuffy in here. I need some air.

[shoes scuffing]

[gloomy music]

♪ ♪

[insects chirping]

♪ ♪

[owl hooting]

♪ ♪

[scraping]

♪ ♪

[alarm beeping]

[water trickling]

[alarm stops]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

‐ [gasps]

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

No, no, no, no!

♪ ♪

[gasps]

Not Márquez.

Motherfuckers!

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

COLONEL: Alaska?

Move!

Pudge. Man, relax.

Ain't nobody trying to look at your little wiener.

It's about Alaska.

You ain't gon' believe what they did.

‐ I told you, I don't want to know.

‐ It's bad. It's worse than I ever seen.

[water splashing]

[curtain rings jingle]

This is too damn far.

[door creaks]

What'd I tell you?

Her Life's Library.

We can't let this shit go unavenged.

TAKUMI: If we do this,

we're letting her off the hook for all of it.

‐ We don't have a choice.

Weekday Warriors made sure of that.

Right, Pudge?

♪ ♪

‐ This is awful...

♪ ♪

But I didn't cause it,

and so I can't be a part of fixing it.

Sorry.

COLONEL: Man, screw him.

We got all the firepower we need right here.

TAKUMI: That's right, the OG three.

Culver Creek's original pranksters.

‐ We're about to pull off the most epic prank

the Creek has ever seen.

‐ What did you have in mind?

SINGER: ♪ We get high in back seats ♪

COLONEL: So we flash a flashlight...

[inaudible chatter]

SINGER: ♪ ♪ We break into mobile homes ♪

♪ We go to sleep to "Shake Appeal" ♪

♪ Never wake up on our own ♪

♪ That's the way we get by ♪

[swan honking]

♪ All that's the way we get by ♪

♪ To way we get by ♪

♪ ♪

[curtain slides]

♪ We go out in stormy weather ♪

♪ We rarely practice discern ♪

♪ We make love to "Some Weird Sin" ♪

♪ We seek out the taciturn ♪

♪ That's the way we get by ♪

♪ To way we get by ♪

♪ ♪

MILES: I know you're stressed about midterms.

Maybe this will help you.

It's the Miles Halter Study Guide Starter Pack.

Still working on the branding.

It's got sharpened pencils,

No Doz, study snacks.

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ And that's the way we get by ♪

♪ That's the way we get by ♪

♪ ♪

MILES: Hi.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Uh, hi.

Well, if that's it‐‐

‐ No, wait, um...

I had this whole plan.

I was gonna cook you a romantic Romanian meal.

Um, I even did some research as to what that would entail.

Apparently that would entail an oven, which I do not have,

so I went to Maureen in the cafeteria

to see if she would maybe help me out

but she just laughed in my face.

But she did give me something much better

than Romanian cooking lessons.

‐ [laughs] But it's not bufriedo day.

‐ You might wanna look a little, uh, closer at the wrapper.

[sweet music]

♪ ♪

‐ How could I say no?

‐ Okay. ‐ [laughs]

MILES: Okay, great. I'll see you at the dance.

‐ Hello, Mr. Starnes. ‐ Oh, good afternoon.

COLONEL: Just here to sign out for a couple days.

Taking these rascals home with me

to the trailer park this weekend.

‐ Oh, that so?

‐ Yeah, Takumi here just felt left out

when he heard about Dolores' homemade pies

over Thanksgiving.

‐ Well, that makes two of us.

I just need to call your mother

and make sure she knows you're on your way.

‐ Yeah, yeah, of course.

Sure.

It's like he barely lives here.

TAKUMI: Apparently his wife left him.

She's just waiting for him to sign the divorce papers.

I have very good sourcing on this.

‐ Poor man.

I just hope my mom plays along.

[phone ringing]

‐ [sighs]

Hello? EAGLE: Hello, Mrs. Martin?

This is Dean Starnes calling.

‐ Okay, so what did he do now?

‐ Oh, no, ma'am. No, Chip's not in any trouble.

Well, yet.

Uh, he tells me he's spending the weekend at home

and bringing Mr. Hikohito and Ms. Young with him.

DOLORES: Alaska? Oh, that's just wonderful.

‐ Is it? You sound surprised.

DOLORES: That son of mine, he listens to his mama

more than he lets on.

Tell him that dinner is in the oven

and I'll be expecting them.

EAGLE: Okay, thanks. [phone beeps]

Lovely woman, your mother. [laughs]

Although, it's too bad you'll be missing the dance.

Uh, I for one have been dusting off

some of my classic moves.

‐ You never go to the dances. ‐ Uh, no, true.

Uh, historically, I have avoided school social functions,

but I find myself with an excess of free time these days

and, uh, I actually found the perfect tie

when I was clearing out, um...

[birds chirping]

Well...

just in time to shake things up.

[laughs]

COLONEL: I knew my moms would come through.

Just hope she forgives me when she finds out the truth.

TAKUMI: Which is why you need to call her.

‐ Yes‐‐or you could.

Women find you irresistible.

‐ Or we actually spend the weekend at your mom's,

because from where I'm standing, this plan's a bust.

‐ Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. What do you mean?

‐ Did you not hear the man?

The Eagle is gonna be at the dance,

and that was not a part of the plan.

‐ Maybe this is actually better.

I mean, everybody we need to be worried about

will be under one sad disco ball.

Could make things easier for our lookout.

‐ We have a lookout?

‐ No.

No way.

Do you not see this ridiculous, itchy sweater that I'm wearing?

‐ I literally couldn't ignore it if I wanted to.

And trust me, Pudge, I want to.

But what I'm about to ask you is important.

‐ Yeah, so is my date with Lara.

‐ I know. You're completely over Alaska.

I'm almost buying it, but what I'm about to ask of you

will not interfere with your date.

If the Eagle, Longwell, or Kevin leave the dance,

I just need you to flash this little guy

into the computer lab twice.

Takumi will take it from there.

It's as simple as clicking the on and off button.

‐ Yeah, you say that now,

but I know it's not gonna be that simple‐‐

‐ Pudge, you're not doing this for Alaska.

You wouldn't be saving her ass, you'd be saving mine.

I'm doing this.

You know what I have on the line

if this shit goes sideways.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

‐ Fine.

For you.

But don't tell Lara.

[button clicks]

CLARKSON: ♪ Here's the thing, we started off friends ♪

♪ It was cool but it was all pretend ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, since you've been gone ♪

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Lee, I don't think I've seen you at a dance

in all the years I've worked here.

‐ Uh, to be honest, Brigid,

the thought of spending another Friday night in front of the Ghost Whisperer

made me want to put a gun to my head.

[both laugh]

MILES: For you, Lara.

SARA: How many cookies do you think Lara's gonna eat?

‐ Oh, I just wanted an assortment.

[chuckles] Choices.

Maybe later we could play a game

and see how many cookies we can eat at once.

‐ Sounds hot.

‐ Uh‐‐um, thank you.

CLARKSON: ♪ I'm so moving on ♪

‐ Yeah, I should probably get back.

‐ You and Longwell.

‐ Yeah, what about it?

‐ It's just hard imagining anyone measuring up

to the Colonel.

‐ You can tell your roommate that I found someone

who doesn't feel the need to punch the world in the face, so.

♪ ♪

Bye.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Would you like to dance?

‐ I probably should have said this

before I spent the entire week

trying to get you to go to this thing with me,

but, um...

I don't‐‐I don't dance. [laughs awkwardly]

‐ Oh, uh...

okay.

CLARKSON: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[keys jingling]

[door closes]

[hard drive whirs]

[keys tapping]

[mouse clicks]

[keys tapping]

‐ [laughs]

‐ Gotta admit, you pretty clever‐‐

for a rat.

‐ We are the most intelligent of the rodents.

[funky pop music]

♪ ♪

[keys tapping]

RAPPER: ♪ She like my Dolce & Gabanna ♪

[inaudible dialogue]

♪ I'm so cold ♪

‐ [giggles]

‐ [muffled] Mm, very good.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ That's very impressive.

Six, okay? You ready?

♪ ♪

Oh, no. ‐ Hmm?

[unintelligible dialogue]

[singer rapping indistinctly]

EAGLE: I‐‐I have a request.

♪ ♪

LARA: Why were you running?

‐ Oh, um...

I was just, um‐‐ I wanted to request a song.

Oh, but then I‐‐I remembered that I don't dance.

Um, can I have some of that water?

LARA: Mm‐hmm. Yeah, okay.

‐ I have a reputation, sir. I can't.

‐ Ms. Blowker, I don't want to pull rank here, but I will.

I've made a request. I'd like it honored.

Spin some wax.

‐ Fine.

[Los del Rio's Macarena playing]

‐ My request. BRIGID: [laughs]

[singer vocalizing]

♪ ♪

‐ Do you want to Macarena?

It's a very simple dance.

And then poor Madame O'Malley doesn't have to humiliate herself.

‐ Um, yeah.

‐ Okay! ‐ Okay, why not?

SINGER: ♪ They all want me, they can't have me ♪

♪ So they all come and dance beside me ♪

♪ Move with me, chant with me ♪

♪ And if you could I'd take you home with me ♪

SINGER: [singing in Spanish]

‐ You wanna get out of here?

[laughs] Okay.

SINGER: ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ ALL: ♪ Hey ♪

SINGER: [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ ALL: Hey!

‐ Um, Lara, I'll be right back.

I promise you, I'll be right back.

♪ ♪

[keys tapping]

[mouse clicking]

[muffled music continues]

♪ ♪

[mouse clicks]

♪ ♪

LONGWELL: Mm. SARA: [laughs]

LONGWELL: Hey. SARA: Hmm?

LONGWELL: Uh, let's go back to my room.

SARA: No, no, I'm not getting caught

like Paul and Marya.

I know a better place.

[both laugh]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ ALL: ♪ Hey! ♪

SINGER: [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ ALL: ♪ Hey! ♪

MILES: There you are.

‐ I'm not the one who keeps running off.

‐ I'm so sorry.

‐ Tell me the truth.

Did you really want to bring me to this dance,

or is it just a cover

for whatever prank you are clearly doing?

‐ I promise, Lara,

I really wanted to go with you

and I'm having such a great time.

I just told Takumi that I'd help him

with this one little recon mission, and I did.

It's over...

and I'm really sorry.

SINGER: [singing in Spanish]

‐ Next time, just tell me the truth, okay?

[cheers and applause]

[Coldplay's Fix You playing over speakers]

♪ ♪

‐ I think I can handle this one.

♪ ♪

Please.

SINGER: ♪ Hi up above or down below ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When you're too in love to let it go ♪

‐ Come with me. ‐ [giggles]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ But if you never try, you'll never know ♪

‐ [laughs]

‐ Am I doing this right? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Okay. ‐ Perfect.

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Lights will guide you home ♪

♪ And ignite ♪

LARA: [giggles] ‐ Wow.

Sorry. LARA: [laughs]

You're actually a very good dancer.

‐ Yeah? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Cool.

The only other person I've ever slow‐danced with

was, um, my grandma,

and even she said I was no Fred Astaire.

‐ [laughs]

[inaudible dialogue]

‐ We seem to be down Mr. Chase and Ms. Harbart.

‐ Let them have their fun, hmm?

♪ ♪

‐ Okay, okay.

♪ ♪

It's just...

Brigid, I've gone two years in this job

without a teen pregnancy,

and it's not because I let the kids have fun.

It's because I practice eagle‐eyed vigilance.

‐ Uh... [stammers]

♪ ♪

‐ You smell nice.

♪ ♪

‐ Yeah.

You, too.

SINGER: ♪ Tears stream ♪

♪ Down your face ♪

♪ When you lose something ♪

‐ Shit, um, come with me.

Please.

This way. ‐ [exclaims]

[muffled music continues]

Can we go back to the dance now?

MILES: Um...

[insects chirping]

We have to go to Longwell's room.

I'll explain on the way.

‐ Uh‐‐ ‐ I promise.

[insects chirping]

EAGLE: In my experience, they usually try to go to the girls' dorm first.

BRIGID: Oh, could‐‐could you slow down just a little?

These shoes are a bit hard to walk in.

EAGLE: Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry.

Well, I mean, they are teenagers, Brigid,

so we don't have a lot of time.

Come on, uh, Sara's dorm is right down here.

‐ "One challenge I had was during a debutante ball.

"I was about to escort my date to the dance floor

"when I heard a gurgle emanate from my belly.

"I thought it was indigestion from too many protein shakes,

"but it was not.

"It was diarrhea.

‐ Okay, I learned that, A, humans have the capacity

to make much more diarrhea than you think,

B, diarrhea stains permanently,

and C, diarrhea has a silent "h."

‐ "This is why I believe Dookie University"...

‐ "Dookie."

‐ "Would be the perfect fit for me and my large colon."

‐ That's brilliant.

[door crashes]

What you doing here?

‐ Our lookout sent me on a decoy mission

but Longwell and Sara weren't headed to the dorms after all,

so I thought I'd stop by and see how things are going.

‐ Sara? Where'd she go?

TAKUMI: The woods. ‐ Like the old campfire spot?

TAKUMI: I don't know, maybe.

‐ Dude, that is Colonel and Sara's preferred location

for illicit activities of a sexual nature.

‐ Oh, shit.

‐ That's our fucking spot, literally.

Takumi, take over the essay. ‐ No, no, he needs to go back.

TAKUMI: This isn't the plan. ‐ That's our spot!

‐ Chip can be a real romantic when he wants to be.

MILES: Where's he going? ‐ Um...

Ignore him, no time.

MILES: Eagle... [panting]

Eagle. ‐ Breathe, Pudge, breathe.

‐ The Eagle is on his way.

He is in Sara's room, but then he is coming here.

ALASKA: The application doesn't allow us to hit send until it's fully finished,

and we still have two more essay questions.

TAKUMI: You know that sign that says,

"Break glass in case of emergency"?

I'm that glass, but I require assistance.

Miles?

‐ Fine. ‐ Thanks, Pudge.

TAKUMI: All right, first thing's first.

Pudge, lose that sweater. It's not stealthy.

We'll divert the Eagle while you two write.

Rendezvous at the barn when we're done.

‐ Oh, lock the door.

BRIGID: Maybe they went back to the dance.

‐ I appreciate that optimism, Brigid,

but I could smell the pheromones

coming off those two at the gym.

We gotta go to Longwell's room.

‐ You know, I think I'll just head back.

‐ Oh, damn it.

I'm doing it again.

I'm putting the job before everything else.

This is exactly what Lois accused me of.

BRIGID: Hey, no.

I meant because someone needs to chaperone the dance.

‐ Oh, yeah.

No, of course. Right, yeah.

‐ Uh, thank you.

You know, for my Macarena.

‐ Yeah.

Yeah, no, you're welcome.

BOTH: Yeah.

[ Macarena resumes]

♪ ♪

[both panting]

SINGER: ♪ When I dance they call me Macarena ♪

♪ And the boys say ♪ [speaking Spanish]

♪ They all want me ♪

MILES: What are you doing?

‐ I was a goddamn Boy Scout, Pudge, so I'm always prepared.

MILES: What the hell is that? ‐ It's my fox hat.

‐ Why are you wearing your fox hat?

‐ 'Cause no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

Light it.

SINGER: ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

‐ Now, run!

EAGLE: Mr. Chase, Ms. Harbart.

I'm coming in.

[keys jingling]

♪ ♪

[fireworks booming]

What the hell?

♪ ♪

SINGER: [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

[singing in Spanish]

EAGLE: Stop, I will call the police!

TAKUMI: He's bluffing. He's scared of bad publicity.

SINGER: ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

[fireworks crackling]

‐ Done!

It is a literary masterpiece. Forgive my bragging.

A sympathetic portrait

of living with irritable bowel syndrome.

LARA: I have one more, but I'm stuck.

‐ Hit me, sister.

‐ "Who is your role model and why?"

‐ "Tom Cruise." ‐ Okay.

"He never ages, he has a great run,

and he probably never gets diarrhea."

‐ "He never gets diarrhea."

ALASKA: Yes, we did it! LARA: Oh, success.

ALASKA: Now hit send and let's get the hell out of here.

How was the dance?

Was it all ugly sweaters and warm punch?

‐ Uh, it was lame,

but we were having a really good time.

Um, I like Miles, and I think he likes me.

I am good for him.

ALASKA: Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

MILES: I think we lost him. Oh, we're back at the lake.

TAKUMI: Slight error in navigation, but no biggie.

We'll just get to the barn lakeside.

MILES: All right.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[swan honking]

♪ ♪

TAKUMI: The fox is not a fan of the swan.

Come on! Run, Pudge!

Run for your life!

[swan honking] [Miles screaming]

COLONEL: So I creep into the woods and I hear them arguing,

so I start waving my flashlight around

and start clearing my throat like I'm the Eagle,

and then I hear them, like, whisper‐arguing.

Then, all of a sudden, Longwell takes off

with his fucking pants around his ankles.

‐ He just left Sara behind?

COLONEL: Yeah, she had to walk all the way back to the dance by herself.

If Longwell was scared of the Eagle,

just wait till Sara get through with him.

I just I hope I didn't ruin my own brilliant plan.

‐ Oh, no, Operation Tell Duke About the Dookie

was perfectly executed.

Lara, an essay‐writing machine, Takumi, a diversionary genius.

Did you hear those fireworks? TAKUMI: Casualty!

MILES: [hollers] TAKUMI: We have a casualty!

MILES: [groaning] ‐ What happened?

TAKUMI: Our hero's left butt cheek was dinner for the swan.

COLONEL: And there ain't much meat on that scrawny thing.

LARA: Miles might get an infection or‐‐or rabies.

Do swans carry rabies?

COLONEL: No, but he could get the bird flu, though.

‐ Don't worry, the fox has a first aid kit.

‐ Wait, don't you think we should get a‐‐ a medical professional

in case of the rabies or potential bird flu?

‐ Pudge, if you go to the hospital, we all get busted,

so quit being a baby, pull down your pants, and let me wipe your ass.

‐ Yeah.

TAKUMI: All right, now the antiseptic.

Here it comes. It may sting.

‐ [screams] COLONEL: Aww, man!

LARA: Does it need stitches? I can sew.

Well, crochet. ‐ Wait, my ass is not a quilt.

TAKUMI: I don't think so, but it does look gross.

‐ No, Lara, don't look! That's not date appropriate!

LARA: Sorry, I did not see anything, Miles.

ALASKA: Anesthesia. I have anesthesia.

There we go, Pudge.

Nothing a little Strawberry Hill can't fix.

‐ [groans]

[ambient music]

I knew that was good for something.

♪ ♪

Um...

‐ Squeeze my hand, hmm?

Squeeze my hand until the stinging stops.

MILES: Man, that swan was really no joke.

[coin clinks]

LARA: [laughs]

LARA: Well, at least you are not concussed.

MILES: Oh, yeah. No, it's okay.

[coin clinks]

[indistinct chatter]

LARA: I thought I could take you to the hospital, but‐‐

‐ [clears throat] Attention.

[clears throat] We are gonna play a game.

It is called "Best Day/Worst Day."

‐ I ain't ever heard of no game like that before.

‐ That's because I just made it up.

The rules are simple: everyone tells their story.

Whoever has the best one doesn't have to drink,

then we keep going until one of y'all quits.

TAKUMI: Well, how do you know it's gonna be one of us?

‐ Well, I'm the best drinker and the best storyteller.

Pudge.

You may begin.

‐ Um...

can I have a second to think?

‐ Can't be that good if you gotta think about it.

[lighter flicks]

‐ Today's my best day. TAKUMI: Come on, man.

‐ No, seriously.

Seriously.

I...

went on a date with a pretty Romanian girl.

I watched the Eagle do the Macarena,

I shot off fireworks,

and I was almost eaten alive by a feral swan.

But now I'm here...

With all of you.

It feels pretty magical.

‐ [laughs] That is so corny.

‐ Yeah, it is corny and my butt is bleeding

and I probably have the bird flu,

but today is my best day.

‐ My best day...

I was eight years old.

My mom and I went to the zoo.

I liked the giraffes and she liked the gorillas.

End of story. Best day ever.

‐ What? That is so lame.

‐ What's wrong with that?

Yes. LARA: I liked it.

‐ Which is why you get to go next.

‐ Okay, um...

my best day is the day I won

the sixth grade spelling bee. [laughs]

We had just moved here

and my parents barely spoke English

but they helped me practice.

And then when I won it was like...

the biggest deal.

They stood up and clapped so loud.

And I loved that feeling.

Embarrassed...

But proud.

TAKUMI: All right, I lose.

My best day was when I lost my virginity.

Twice.

And if you think I'm gonna tell you that story,

you gotta get me a whole lot drunker than this, suckers.

[laughter]

‐ Well...

my best day hasn't happened yet,

but I can see it.

That's gonna be the day I buy my mom a house.

A big fucking house

right in the middle of Mountain Brook

right next to the Weekday Warriors' parents.

I'll drive her there and I'll hand her the keys...

Just like they do on TV.

I'ma just be like...

"We home, Ma."

Man, that'd be the best day of my life.

ALASKA: Okay, Colonel.

You won that round.

Now what's your worst day?

‐ My worst day...

was the day my dad left.

I just...

Kept waiting for him to call and explain it.

But he never did.

I don't know, I...

thought he might have wanted to say good‐bye.

‐ Well, uh, you got me beat.

I was 11‐‐mm...

and my mom made me sign up for a soccer team,

but I sucked.

Like, I was really bad.

I was always riding the bench.

But then, this one game,

the coach put me in for some reason

and I was so excited. [laughs]

But I‐‐I didn't realize that, um...

we switched sides at‐‐at halftime.

[all laugh]

TAKUMI: Shit, Pudge, you scored for the wrong team.

‐ Yeah. TAKUMI: [laughs]

MILES: The worst part was, uh, the bus ride home.

[laughs] Sitting with all these kids

who hated me.

‐ So glad you were able to put your life back together.

[all laugh]

Uh, my worst day is, uh, June 9, 1999.

My grandmother died in a car accident in Japan.

I was supposed to visit her two days later,

spend the whole summer with her.

The only time I ever got to see her

was before she was cremated.

COLONEL: Damn.

We are a sad group of friends.

Minus you, Pudge.

‐ Thanks.

‐ Lara?

‐ Um...

My worst day is the day we left Romania.

It wasn't until the day before that my parents told me

I wasn't allowed to bring Rukmina, my dog.

For six years she had been my best friend

and I had to leave her with strangers.

‐ Fucking dog stories. TAKUMI: [laughs]

COLONEL: They get me every time.

LARA: [laughs] COLONEL: Oh.

All right.

It's your turn, buddy.

‐ The day after my mom took me to the zoo,

I was upstairs doing my homework...

When I heard a scream from the kitchen.

And I ran downstairs and...

saw my mom lying on the floor holding her head, jerking.

I freaked out.

I should have called 911

but all I did was just scream and cry...

until she stopped jerking.

[solemn music]

I thought she was just asleep.

♪ ♪

And that...

whatever had hurt her didn't anymore,

so I sat down next to her...

until my dad came home an hour later.

And he started yelling at me, "Why didn't you call 911?"

And he tried to do CPR but by then she was‐‐

she was plenty dead.

♪ ♪

Aneurysm.

Worst day. I won, you drink.

♪ ♪

‐ Your dad blamed you? ‐ How could he not?

TAKUMI: You were a kid. ‐ Kids can dial 911.

They do it all the time.

I just didn't.

♪ ♪

‐ Why didn't you tell me?

‐ It never came up.

♪ ♪

I need some air.

[retreating footsteps]

♪ ♪

‐ Someone should go be with her.

♪ ♪

‐ [sniffles]

[approaching footsteps]

♪ ♪

‐ [sighs]

[sniffles]

♪ ♪

[breathing shakily]

You wanted to know why I ratted.

♪ ♪

And why I can't go home.

♪ ♪

Well, now you know.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Because I fuck everything up.

‐ That's not true.

You were just a little kid.

♪ ♪

Nothing's your fault when you're a little kid.

That's what it means to be a kid.

‐ I was afraid of what you'd think

when you knew the truth.

Well, now you know.

♪ ♪

You're still here.

♪ ♪

Why are you still here?

♪ ♪

‐ Because... ‐ [sniffles]

♪ ♪

‐ I'm your friend.

♪ ♪

‐ Cool.

"Friend."

♪ ♪

[The Bravery's An Honest Mistake playing]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ People ♪

♪ They don't mean a thing to you ♪

♪ They move right through you ♪

♪ Just like your breath ♪

[lantern squeaking]

♪ But sometimes ♪

MILES: [sighs]

[grunts]

[sighs, laughs]

LARA: You came back. ‐ Yeah.

Is that okay? ‐ Yeah, it's okay.

♪ ♪

Hi.

♪ ♪

MILES: [whispering] Can I kiss you?

LARA: Yes.

You can kiss me.

SINGER: ♪ I forget I'm still awake ♪

‐ [laughs]

SINGER: ♪ I fuck up ♪

♪ And say these things out loud ♪

♪ My old friend ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I swear I never meant for this ♪

♪ Don't look at me that way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It was an honest mistake ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Don't look at me that way ♪

♪ It was an honest mistake ♪

♪ An honest mistake ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Never meant, never meant ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Never meant, never meant ♪

♪ Oh, I swear, I never meant ♪

♪ An honest ♪

♪ An honest mistake ♪

♪ Don't look at me that way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It was an honest mistake ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Don't look at me that way ♪

♪ It was an honest mistake ♪

♪ An honest mistake ♪