All language subtitles for Flack.S01E06.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Subtitles01.eng

Morning.Excellent.

Thanks, Paul.
Looking good,
by the way.

Lost some weight?Cut out sugar.

Well, it's working.

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMEN MOANING]

[MUFFLED SPEAKING]

Wrong room.

As you were.

[LOUD SMACK]

Hi. I'm sorry
to bother you.

You couldn't just
give us a minute,
could you?

Of course.[MUFFLED GASPS]

Hi, Patrick.

Oh!
Thank God you're here.

The lads, they were
having a laugh.

It's time to go.Yeah, of course. Great.

I wasn't...

I thought it was
a normal bar.

You're getting married
in 11 hours.

Yeah.

Wicked.

Outside in five?

I might need a bit
of a hand with the...

CAROLINE: Okay, ladies.

I don't need to remind you
that today is a huge day for us.

Footballers' weddings
are the Mogadishu
of the PR calendar.

The perfect fucking storm
of brainless overpaid wankers

given the night off
from running around
kicking things.

They will fight,
they will drink,

they will try
to put their penises
into everything.

[COUGHS]

Next time
it will be a glass.

Remember, footballers
are pack animals
who stay in pairs.

Alongside them
will be the usual array
of chair fillers

who would attend
the opening of a fridge

if they thought it would
get them name-checked
by Perez Hilton.

It's down to us to ensure
that things run smoothly,

that our clients
get the inches
for the right reasons,

and we avoid deaths, rapes
and legal suits.

We control the agenda.

This means everyone on point,
no hangovers, no menstruating,

no substance which might impair
your professional judgement.

You can Speedball
your tiny tits off

if it makes you
better at your job.

But if it affects your work,

and thus, my work,

then when you get home,
you shall find me hiding
under your bed

with a garden hose
and a length of razor wire.

Tonight, you will earn
your fucking money.

We are the guardians
of the galaxy.

Don't fuck it up.

Go.

Okay, make sure you've got
your clothes for tonight

as there'll be none
of this "going home
to change" bollocks.

Sexy, not slutty
or you will get touched.

Hard copies of the guest list,
seating plans,

I want faces in full view
of the cameras,

in order of importance.

How do I know
who's more important?

Rate them on a slidey scale
from royals and Olympians

to Made in Chelseas
and the exes of Cheryl Tweedy
Cole Fernandez.

Oh, and the Olympians who've
won medals and Winter Olympics
don't count.

Unless, of course,
they're super hot

in which case
they get a by.

Got it.

ROBYN: All phones
should be taken on entry,
no exceptions.

Plus, any recording devices,

iPads, GoPros,
fucking Etch A Sketches,

metal detector, full frisk,

rubber-glove-and-
Vaseline treatment,
if necessary.

It's only gonna take
one Instagram to blow
the HELLO!deal.

Last celebrity wedding
I went to,

I ended up doing shots
of Frangelico

in a hot tub
with the Pussycat Dolls.

The redhead, who looks
like a sex robot
from the future,

decided to show off
her standing splits.

Kicked Claudia Winkleman
in the face.

Chipped tooth,
she had to have
it veneered.

I'm sure there's
a moral there somewhere.

Is Sam coming tonight?

Yes, he is.

He's been a Chelsea supporter
since he was a kid.

Fun.

No, really.
Tom will be there, too.

So, it will be
like a play date.

So, you two are...Well, I'm in love
with him so...

I know,
annoying isn't it?

That shit always
gets in the way
of a good relationship.

MELODY: Thank you so much. Bye.

[GRUNTS] Balls.

What?Stormzy's just
pulled out.

That's like the fifth one
this morning.

What are our numbers at?Eleven, that's including three
Sky Sports news presenters.

Sky Sports hotties
or Sky Sports
hairy old men?

One hottie,
two hairy old men.

Balls.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

What's our quota?

HELLO!want 15
with at least six A's.

ROBYN: Melody, make some calls,
round up some more people.

But the wedding's
in four hours.

Why are you still
talking to us then?

MELODY: What if I can't
find anyone?

EVE: Then find yourself
a new job.

Oh, you have
to get paid
to call it a job.

Oh, punchy.
I like it.

Has anyone
ever told you

you look skinnier
when you stand up
for yourself?

Anyone who has
something to promote

and wants a free dinner.

Tell them that
you made some phone calls

and you managed
to buy them an invite

to the wedding
of the decade.

God, look
at this place.

It's like Patrick Bateman
went on Queer Eye.

ROBYN: Speaking of which...Robyn.

[SPEAKING IN OTHER LANGUAGE]

Yes. Right, fellas.

This is Robyn, my PR,

that's Eve,
and that's Melody.

MAN: You guys all right
to contribute,
like a chat, yeah?

That is sweet.

Thank you for last night.

If it's all right,
can we not discuss this
in front of...

Patrick, relax.

Okay, great. Um...

Has anyone got any coke?

It's 10:10.I've got some.

Eve, go check
on the bridesmaids.

FIne.
Come on, Bilbo.

You excited?Yeah.

Have you seen the pagoda
in the garden?

The decorators are getting
swans and shit out there.

It's gonna be sick.I'm sure it is.
How's Bianca?

I don't know.

Do you reckon
a baby-blue suit
would look good

or is that a bit... gay?

I think it will
be perfect.

Do you remember
everything we discussed?

HELLO!is going to be here
until 5:00 pm.

So, until that moment
there is absolutely
no more booze,

no drugs,
no bad behavior,

no Twitter, no Insta.
You are Prince Charming.

And then once
all the press clears out

and we've done
a sweep to make sure

there's no cameras
or recording devices,

we can go back
to being the Prince
of Darkness.

Got it?[CHIRPING]

[EXCLAIMS]

ROBYN: You've got the speech
we wrote for you?

Mmm-hmm.And the rings
are all in place?

It's a big
photo moment, Patrick,

so don't fuck it up.

Yes, all good.

Listen, I need you
to meet someone. Gary?

Yo.

REPORTER: [ON TV]
Indecent images
were allegedly found

on the hard drive...

Gary, this is Robyn,

who I told you about.

She can fix anything,
bro, I swear.

I said you'd be able
to help him out.

[LAUGHS DRYLY]
I'll do what I can.

Okay, look, you'll keep
this to yourself, yeah?'Course.

So, um, I've been suffering
with my crew shit on and off
for ages, right?

I spoke to my specialist
last week

and he says
it gets real bad, like.

Says I've maybe got
like six months left
in my playing career

but after that I'm shot.

I'm not really sure
how I can help you
with that.

Look, I'm 27,
I ain't planned for this.

I thought I had
another 4 years.

I need money.
I'm broke.

You're a footballer.
How much do you earn a week?

Only about 36 grand
but it's all gone now.

You know, living costs.

But I made
some bad investments.

I bought all these
fucking resources

and I owe the tax man
a lot of money.

I mean a lot.

Taxes are hard
to understand, man.
it's fucking crazy.

Gary, what is it exactly
that you want me to do?

Look, I've seen
how much Patrick's

getting for
this wedding, right?

I don't mind, like,
wearing whatever,

or doing whatever
or who I go out with...

Look, Gary,
it's not that easy.

It takes a lot
of time and investment...

I'll do whatever
you tell me.

Please.

Well, we could get you
a pop star girlfriend,

send you to a few parties,

but there's almost nothing

that's gonna make you
famous overnight.

PATRICK: This is
a little bit loose, there.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

It's complete now.

It's really nice.

No fucking way.ROBYN: You said
you'd do anything.

GARY: Yeah, I know
but you can't expect me
to do that.

EVE: Why not?

GARY: 'Cause I got
a reputation.

Maybe your reputation
can pay off the tax man.

Ah, come on!
There must be another way!

In the time frame
you're proposing, no.

That's why she's a genius.

ROBYN: Someone's gonna do it.

This is your chance
to get in first.

Listen to me.
If managed correctly,

the first openly gay
Premiership football player

is gonna
make millions. Fact.

Think about the coverage,
think about the exposure.

Look at Tom Daley
and he falls in a pool
for a living.

It's monumental.
You're gonna be
a role model,

a game-changer.

We're talking endorsements,
ambassador roles,

new year's honors,
chat shows.

You're gonna be inspiring
millions with your bravery
and strength,

to stand up in the face
of adversity,

be true to yourself.

To stick it
to the haters.

You'll make
a difference.

But I'm not gay!

So? The Premiership's
riddled with gay footballers

pretending to be straight.
what's the difference?

No, but what about
all the shit I'll get
from the stands?

Sticks and stones, babe.
Suck it up.

So you have to listen
to 40,000 neander-wankers

screaming that you take it
up the arse for six months.

It'll be character-building.

You'll be the one laughing
when they give you the captaincy

on A Question
of Sport.

Look, we've got
a truckload of press

showing up in four hours

Opportunities like this
don't come along every day.

Are you in or not?

What do you think?

I don't know, you know.
I mean...

Obviously, I'm straight, so...

it's hard for me to, like...

All I'm saying is that
they know their shit.

No, but, like...

But would I have to do
any, like, gay stuff?

You do a few sweaty shoots
for Attitude

and then tell
the world's press

that you want to keep
your private life private.

And just sit back
and start counting
your pink pounds.

What's it gonna be?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SIGHS] I better call me dad.

MELODY: Yes, I'm pretty sure
there's a vegan option,

but I could check.

Gluten! Oh, okay, yep.

Look, um, I promise you
I will find you
something to eat

even if I have to go
into the forest
and forage it myself.

Please.

Okay, yes, yes.
Get back to me.

Okay, I'm nearly there.

Um, I'm lacking in quality,
so I've had to plump
for quantity.

So far, not including
footballers, I have got
four soap stars,

three sports presenters,

five reality TVs,
two celebrity chefs,

a boxer,
two paralympians,
one egghead,

two sexy bastards,
Dani Dyer,

and a partridge
in a pear tree.

Great. We need a beard.

MELODY: A what?

Sorry, not a beard.
A reverse beard.

What's the opposite
of a beard?

A shave?

MELODY: What are we
talking about?

Melody, this is Gary.

We need a gay man to pretend
to be his boyfriend

so that Gary
can pretend
to be gay.

Now you've lost me.

Ooh, what about him
from Coronation Street?
He's gay.

He's actually straight.

He just plays gay.
I think it's going
to be too confusing.

Can it not be
someone too gay?

You know, uh, what about
that, that rugby dude?

Okay, so you need
a gay man to be the boyfriend
of a straight man

so that he can
convince the world
that he's not straight?

Exactly.

We need the
male equivalent
of Taylor Swift.

ROBYN:
But not too famous
to overshadow Gary.

But famous enough
that they're willing to spend
six months of their lives

pretending to go out
with a straight footballer

just to get
their picture
in the papers.

Oh, no, I think
I have the guy:
Jay Burns.

He starred on this reality show
called Holiday Reprobates,

and then he had a brief
appearance on, like,
Britain's Got Talent,

X Factor,
Hollywood Front Dating

and a fleeting appearance on
This Morningwhere he had this
live colonoscopy on air

with Dr. Chris. He's calm
as Christmas, and he would
literally beat his own mother

to death with a claw hammer
if he thought it would
get him on the telly.

He sounds perfect.Really?

Okay.
Get him on the phone.
Get him here ASAP.

Eve, you start working
on the press release, and get
Gary a Grindr account.

You. Let's go break
the news to your teammates.

Ooh, can I come?

What? Now?

Gary, you're here.
You're queer.
Get used to it.

You're what?

Yeah.

I'm like a...
proper gay.

Shit, man.
I shared a bath
with you.

We all have.

[SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE]
This is so fucked up.

Okay, guys. I understand
that this is gonna come
as a bit of a shock,

but what Gary's done today
takes a lot of balls,

and I'm sure he's appreciate it
if you all just got behind him.

Bad choice of words.

My point being,
you need to support him.

Don't you think so, Patrick?

Um...

Yeah, I mean...

As a straight man,

obviously, it's not something
I can personally understand,

but, you know, you're still
our friend and everything, so...

Thanks, mate.

Okay, look.

I appreciate it must take
a lot of nerve to come out

and say this to us.

It's just gonna take
some time to get used to,
isn't it?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I know.

You never like, um,
when we are getting
changed and that?

No, of course not!

You're not my type.

What is your type?

I don't know, um...

That rugby dude.

[ALL GRUNT IN AGREEMENT]

Do you have a boyfriend,
or...?

Yeah. A guy
called Joel.Jay.

Jay.

I guess, uh...
Now you say it,
it sort of makes sense.

What?

You know, sometimes
you can be a bit, eh...

Okay, right.
This has been
hugely inspiring

seeing how supportive
you've all been.

Well done.

What about Samantha?

Who?

His girlfriend.

Excuse me
for just a second.

TEAMMATE:
Samantha's on the market!

You didn't tell me
you had a girlfriend.

You never asked.

Well, how long have
you been together?

Couple of years.

Oh, fuck's sake.Look... [SCOFFS]

She'll be cool, man.
Serious.

Who do you think
spends all my money
for me?

Okay. It's fine.

We'll just have to say
that Samantha was your beard

to cover up your relationship
with your new reverse beard,
Jay.

And Jay will have
to cover up for your
and Samantha's relationship.

So as far as anyone
else is concerned,

she's now your hag,
and you're her GBF.

Got it?

Okay, well...
This has been a good talk.

I'm sure we all
feel much better,

and get dressed,
'cause the guests
will be arriving soon.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Robyn? Jay's here.

Hiya.

[SIGHS]

I need you to look
after something for me.

What?

[GASPS] Eve...
Are these drugs?

Oh, relax.
I'll be handing them
out like canapes later.

Why are you giving
them to me?

Oh, just, you know...

Tom's off it, so I just
don't want him to have
to find it in my bag.

It's no big deal.

Oh, my God.
So cute.Stop it.

You really like him,
don't you?

Just take the
fucking cocaine, okay?

If you mention
this to anyone,

I will stab you
in your sleep.

Absolutely.

Christ, imagine if
a bomb went off.

We'd knock out the
men online for a week.

All right?

You've got that Tess Daly
dead-behind-the-eyes thing
going on.

It's fine. I'm...

We all good?

Well, Bianca looks like
a toilet paper doll

from the '70s,
which I believe
is the desired look.

HELLO!are "very happy
with the turnout."

Press are all in place,
and I've prepped them

for an extra announcement
after all the photos are done.

If you were a real woman,
I'd make you my wife.

Don't make promises
you can't keep.

[INDISTINCT ARGUMENT]

I take it that's Samantha?

Will you deal
with that, please?

We don't need a hysterical
spanner in the works.

On it like a nun
in a cucumber field.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Status update?

I'm scared to say that
I think we're good to go.

I just heard the
news about Calvin.

Did you know
that was happening?

Do you think it
would have happened
if I didn't?

The wolves are
ever-circling, dear.

Just need to know
when to throw them
the meat.

The company has withdrawn
its services from Mr. Cooper.

We're shocked and appalled
to hear the allegations.

And, prior to the emergence
of these recent claims,

we were unaware
of any impropriety
involving Calvin Cooper.

Had we known,

we would never
have represented him.

It's about integrity.

Right?

Karma's a witty bitch.

Thank God for
anonymous tipsters.

He yours? Hmm.

Be careful bringing
him into this world.

It's terrifying
for them...

Seeing the real you.

You look fit.

Is this all right?Great.

Yeah?Yeah.

I was going for
"virgin at school disco".

I'm thinking more
"day in juvenile court".

Oh, edgy.
Yeah, I think
I'll go with that.

You know, I've actually
not worn this suit since
my Nan's funeral,

and, in fact, yep,
here it is.
Order of Service.

Oh, that's not
creepy at all.

This is a bit posh, innit?

Yeah. See, I knew
I shoulda kept up
with the football.

This could have been us.

Though, obviously,
if I was a footballer,

I'd probably be going
out with that blonde one

from Little Mix,
and not you.

Oh, my God.
That's Manuel Lanzini.

Isn't he a little short
to be a footballer?

No, all the best
footballers were short.

Maradona, Messi,
Chicharito, "The Little Pea"...

Who the hell is
"Chicharito,
The Little Pea"?

Don't say that.

Robyn!

Hey.

Wow.

You look amazing.

Aww, thank you.

Um, Tom, this is, uh...

My boyfriend Sam.

Uh, Sam, this is
Eve's boyfriend, Tom.Oh.

Uh, good to...
Uh, Sam, nice to
meet you, Sam.

Good to meet you, too.
Yeah, I didn't know
Eve had a boyfriend.

I told you that.

It's very early days.

We should probably
grab our seats.

Oh, speak of the devil.

And she will appear.
How you doing, gorgeous?

I'm good.

Ah, so you went
for a blue suit, then?

Which is good, because I do
actually still have some
accounts that need doing.

Yeah, what's that?
Fifteen seconds?

That must be
a new record.

So, you two
have met, then?

Tom used to be
a ballet dancer,

and I know
what you're thinking,

but he's actually straight.

Show 'em first position, babe.

Second?

That's pretty
impressive, right?

All sorted
with Samantha?

Sweet as a peach.

For some reason,
when I explained
how much money he'd make,

it seemed to calm
her right down.

That's Gary Lowen.

ROBYN: Babe...

[WHISPERS]
He's talking to me.

Shall we?

Good to meet you, mate.

I wanna come out.

Excuse me?

All that stuff
you said to him,

you know,
about being strong,

and true to yourself,
making a difference,
I want that.

You're getting married
in 23 minutes.

I don't love her!

So?So,

what happened
to inspiring millions
with your bravery?

I was talking to him,
not you.Yeah.

Look, back off, man.
You got your own shit
going on. I need this.

So do I!Too late.
I was here first.

You decided, like,
three hours ago.

Three hours before you.

It's not
a competition, bruv!

I'm coming out, okay?

You're not even gay.

Neither are you.

You're not.

Shit.

[LAUGHS]

Jesus. I've shared
a bath with you!

Oh, for fuck's sake.
That's it.
Nobody is coming out.

I can't listen
to this shit anymore.

Come out, stay in,
get married,
don't get married,

marry each other.
I don't care.

It's all
fucking meaningless.

We're sacks of meat
collecting shiny things

to make us better
than other sacks of meat.

That's it.

What else do you want?
Happiness?

Well, here's
some insight for you.

The only happiness
that exists in this world

is the happiness
you assume
everyone else is having.

So, will you please,
for once in your pampered,
emotionally-stunted lives,

make a decision
so I can tell the press
to piss off,

and we can all
have a fucking drink?

OFFICIATOR: We are
gathered here today

to celebrate the union
of this woman, Bianca,

and this man, Patrick.

Marriage is the formal joining
of two lives,

and with that,
two bodies of people.

If any person present
knows of any lawful impediment
to this marriage,

they should declare it now.

SAM: Oh, he's...
He's gonna go.

He's going. [CHUCKLING]

You all right?Yeah.

Just got a lot
to balance.

I need to make sure
it all goes smooth.

Did, um...

Did Ruth get back
to you yet?

She will, babe,
just give her time.

I know this is
a load of old gob,
but still...

Warms the cockles, eh?

I mean, if we just
look at it
like it's one big party...

What?

Just saying, if we were
ever so inclined,

I think we could do
an amazing wedding.

OFFICIATOR:
I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]

Bianca, put your hand
up on his chest.

No, Patrick, down.

Now, just sort of relax
a bit more into it.

Just like time to enjoy
the rest of your lives
together.

GARY:
Football was my escape,
my identity.

Football hid my secret,
gave me more joy than I
could have ever imagined.

But the time has come
to tell the world the truth

that I am a homosexual.

SAM: Gary Lowen, gay.

Unbelievable.
Did you know this?

I'd heard rumors.

Yeah, well,
good for him.

Takes a lot
of bollocks, that.

I mean, it shouldn't
even be a big deal

considering we're living
in 2019,

I mean, we know
how to clone dogs,

but I guess some things
progress faster than others.

There's a bad joke in it,
something about Chelsea
being tied out the back,

but I'm above that.

[CHUCKLING]

Isn't that Jeff Stelling?

Babe, sorry,
one second.Yeah.

This is gonna be huge,
you know that?Mmm-hmm.

Going to need you
in the office first thing
to remit.

Bright-tailed
and bushy-eyed.

Security will get the last
of the press out the door,
do a final sweep,

check there are no photographers
hiding behind potted plants,
et cetera,

and from then onwards,
we're a media black hole.

[INHALES DEEPLY]
Thank Christ for that.

Be good.

Oh, excuse me.

You couldn't, uh, bring over
a bottle of vodka and some
lime tonic, could you?

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

You did great.

It was a great response
out there.[EXHALES HEAVILY]

I think there's gonna be
a huge pick-up
with the press tomorrow.

You should feel good.

You're gonna make
a lot of money.

Great. It's great.

[VOMITS]Oh!

[COUGHING]

Sorry.

Oh.

Uh, why don't you go
get yourself a drink

and I will get this
cleared up.

Okay. [GROANS]

Perfect.

Sick on your shoes?

It's not
even dark outside.

Sign of a good night.

Huh.

Are you enjoying your first
footballer's wedding?

[SIGHS] Honestly?Why not?

I am hating
every single second of it.

[LAUGHS] Why?

It's just weird
being here sober.

I mean, I'd normally have to do
a lot of drugs to get through
something like this.

Brings up a lot of stuff.
I could just feel my hand...

Hovering over
the "fuck it" button.

What?The "fuck it" button.

That thing in your head
when every part
of your conscious mind

knows something
is a really awful idea,

but this one tiny
little destructive part,

it just goes, "Fuck it."

Hits the button,
game over.

Yep. I've got
one of those.

Your vodka, madam.

I'm gonna get myself...
Another orange juice.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

VOICEMAIL:
Hi, you've reached Craig.
Leave a message after the beep.

Melody.Hi.

Walk with me.

It's the IT boy, right?

How'd you know that?

Melody,

why do you think I get to
sit in the big glass office

and shout at you all
the whole time?

I know things about people.

It's my job.

Hold it
between your fingers,
darling.

You're not a shepherd
with a dog whistle.

You're not upset
because you want him back,

you're upset
because you feel guilty

about choosing this.

Well, don't.

You're young, you're smart.
You could actually be
good at this.

But there's a choice.

What's the choice?

This job is a cuckoo's egg.

It gets dropped in your nest,
with all the other eggs,

and, at first,
it seems manageable,

but once it hatches
the cuckoo chick

grows faster
than all the others.

It demands more food,
more attention, it begs louder.

Its beak is always open,

screeching at you to bring it
more worms and bugs
and insects for it to eat.

Until finally,

all the other chicks
have either been
pushed out the nest,

or they've died of starvation.

So, make the choice.

If you don't want it,
then kick out the egg

before it hatches.
But if you do,

then embrace the cold, hard,
brutal ambition in your belly.

Don't be ashamed of it.

Celebrate it.

Do you really think
I could be good?

Sorry.

I thought I already said that,
or did I stutter?

Just so we're clear,
you get one pep talk from me,

and that was it.

This is the nicest
I will ever speak to you.

So,

drink it in.

Fuck it.

I think you need to
keep an eye on your boyfriend.

If he's not careful,
he could become the victim
of an aggressive Brummie.

ROBYN: [SIGHING] It's a drag
having him up in these things.

It's like
having your little brother
at your 21st.

Oh, come on.
I think it's sweet.

He's like a boy with cancer
who's won a competition.

I'm not.
Going straight tonight.

Stop it.
You're freaking me out.

Oh, I just thought
because of Tom's whole...

Being boring thing.

You're gonna
make me kill myself.

Please have a drink.

Okay, fine.

But strictly
because your life
is in danger.

This is mental, right?

Patrick's about to show me
his table tennis room.

Just make sure
that's all he shows you.

Huh?Nothing.

Have fun. Play nice.

Yes, Mum.

Thank you for having
a brilliant job.

What a day!

[SIGHS]

What's it feel like
to have someone
who likes you that much?

TOM: There you are.

You're allowed to
hang out with me yet,
or do I have to continue

standing alone in the corner,
talking to strangers,

pretending I know
about football?

Um, no,
we are officially clear.

From now on, if I avoid you
it's purely personal,
not professional.

[ANZO EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY]

[ALL CHEERING]

Anzo's here!

Anzo is here.

Who's that?Anzo.

He's a professional
party starter.

TOM: A what?He makes sure

that people
are having enough fun,
drinks, drugs.

Are there enough
beautiful people around?
Is the music right?

Give it 20 minutes,
and everyone will be loaded,

half-naked and dancing
or fingering each other
in the garden.

[WHOOPING]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING][ALL CHEERING]

[SNORTING]

[GROANS]

So which of the bridesmaids
do you most want to bang?

I don't wanna bang
any of them.

Oh, don't be
so boring, come on.

Play. I'll tell you
which of the ushers

I wanted to fuck.

I'm not really
in the mood,
to be honest.

The redhead?

She looks like
she's filth.

Don't you think, Rob?

The kind of girl
that takes you home

and makes you squat
on the coffee table.

[LAUGHING]

Or... Or...Eve!

Or, the tubby one
at the end.

Not the most
attractive, granted,

but, you know,
she put the work in.

She put in like a fat kid
with a lollipop.

Why don't we talk
about something else?

Oh, don't get all,

hashtag,
ThisIsWhatAFeministLooksLike.

Fine. The blond.

The blond with big tits?

How dull.

I thought you're
more original than that.

Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you.

Well, you can take a boy
out of Essex,

but you can't change
his taste for a basic bitch.

For Christ's sake, Eve!

Stop it![CHUCKLES]

I know
you think it's spiky,

and sexy,
and... French.

But it's not, okay?

It is tedious.

I'm not gonna get
bored of you, okay,

just because
we don't have an argument

every two minutes.

I like you.

Please, I'm trying
to like you.

Please stop
making this hard.

One, five and three.

What?

Those are the ushers
that I wanted to fuck.

In that order.

Why is everyone
so serious the whole time?

Can you deal with that?

Tom!

Jesus, this is stupid.

I know she's
winding me up,

I just can't...

She knows how
to get under my skin.

Of course, she does.
We're evil geniuses.

I'm awful to Sam.
I mean, really awful.

And I love him genuinely
with my whole heart.

But, sometimes,

all I wanna do is just...

Hurt him, profoundly.

Why?Christ knows.

Maybe because his presence

makes me feel
like a horrible bitch.

And that's not because
he's doing anything wrong.

In fact, it's because
he's not doing anything wrong.

And he just lets me get away
with all this shit.

I'm a monster.

And sometimes I just wish

he would fucking stop me.

Just scream at me,

or leave me,
or punch me in the face.

Just anything
to stop me.

We're fucked,
aren't we?

[CHUCKLING]

Robyn, you having
a good night?

You've seen that cake
with the cheese?

I don't even like cheese,
but it looks amazing.

Had it first.
Now it's gone, yeah.

Look, um, I just wanted
to speak to you.

I just wanted
to say thank you.

You know, not because
I'm drunk or anything.

But, just, I wanted
to say thank you

for looking aft...
Out for me, and that.

And I spoke to Caroline

she was super nice,
super scary.

But, look, I know you
don't always get things right.

But that's gonna change,
because I'm with you 100%.

So, whatever you need,
whenever you need it.

Okay? Just tell me.

'Cause I'm gonna feed the bird,
and I'm gonna celebrate it.

Is that cocaine?

Yes, yes, yes,
it's a little bit.

It's Eve's. [GASPS]

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. But maybe,
I'll just look after it.

Yes, because
you're really cool.

Thank you, totally.Oh, okay.

I really appreciate that,
Robyn, thank you.

I'm gonna get a drink.

Wow.

[SNORTING]

Jesus Christ.

There it is.

Oh, easy. It's strong.

You okay?[CHUCKLES] Fuck.

Tom?

Fuck's sake!

[GASPS]

[YELLS] Fuck!

Fuck it.

Three fucking years.

[GROANS]

I'm so sorry.

Ah, Christ, Robyn.

I knew

you were trouble

the moment
I first saw you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, that was weird.

Patrick kept trying
to help me out

with my ping-pong technique.

He got a bit grabby.

Yeah, they don't tell you
about that stuff

on Match of the Day, too?

Have you seen Robyn about?

She's fixing Tom for me.

[PHONE RINGING]

Where is she?I don't know.

Eve!

Where is she?

Shit.

Melody!

Hey, have you seen Robyn?

Melody!

Melody, you okay?

Fuck off, Eve!

[ALL CHEERING]

[SCREAMING] Yes!

SAM: Robyn! Rob!

Jesus,
will you slow down?

Robyn!

[TOM SIGHS]

[EVE LAUGHING]

Look, we were...Shut the fuck up.

All right, please.Mate, just
do us all a favor

and shut the fuck up.

Sam...

You're rotten.

[SIGHS]

That better not be
my coke.

[CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]

Sam!

ANZO: Miss...Sam!

Come let's have a drink.

Not to be funny,
but your man Jay

knows this stuff's
not for real, right?

He keeps following me around,
trying to hold my hand.

Sam!

Sam!Babe.

Babe, babe, you havin'
a good time, yeah?

Listen, listen, can you...
Can you get me more
of that here?

Can you call someone?

Robyn!Sam!

Uh...What?

You might wanna keep
an eye on your friend.

Oh, shit.

[MELODY GROANING]

Um...

Hey!

Get off her!

Get off!

It's cool, all right?
Leave it.

No. You touch her again
and I will kill you!

Now, get out!

Out!

Whatever.

What were you doing?

I'm fine.No, you're not fine.

I am fine.No, no, no.
I need to get you home.

Oh, God,
just get off me!

I'm not a little girl.
I am a...
I am a cuckoo!

I can do this, Robyn.
I can be like you.

You're fired.

You're fired.

Don't come in on Monday.

Really?

Oh, God.

[CRYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

EVE: I'll take her.

I enjoy putting
drunk people to bed.
It makes me feel superior.

Eve...No.

You don't get
to say anything.

[CAR APPROACHING]

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Robyn, what are you doing?

I need to stay here tonight.

But you can't.

Get Ruth, please?No.

Ruth?Robyn, the kids
are in bed.

Ruth?Robyn, just, please.

Ruth!No.

RUTH: Hey!

[RUTH SIGHS]

Just...

I need to stay.

Sam...

It's...

You'll figure it out.
You always do.

No.

Not this time.

Well, you got
what you wanted, then.

What's that
supposed to mean?

So...

Mark's home?

That is my business.

And if he lies
to me again...

[SCOFFS]

I'm a grown-up, Robyn.

I'm a mother.

And the idea
that you and he need
to protect me is...

Ruth...No, listen to me.

You don't have to
look after me.

You cannot
look after me.

You can't even
look after yourself.

I love you...

So much.

And I see
what you do with everyone.
It is so clever.

You pull all the strings
and you spin all the plates

and you make it
all work out,

and it's really impressive.

It really is.

But you mustn't do that
with me.

Rob, okay?

Not with me.

I need you
to promise me

that you will never
lie to me,

you will always
tell me the truth.

[INHALES SHARPLY]
Mark kissed me.

What?

He was drunk,
and it was stupid,

and it didn't
mean anything.

Why would you
tell me that?

What?

This.

This is when
I see her, Rob.

Mom. In you.

This whirlwind.
This spinning and spinning
and sucking everything in,

and the thing is that
when the whirlwind stops,

there's nothing
actually there.

It's just motion.

The only thing that is real
is the mess
that you leave behind.

God.

You followed me
here, Robyn.

I just wanted
a boring life.

[MELLOW SONG PLAYING]

Cry, you c--t.