Original subtitles

This film is based on events that occurred in Barcelona in 2015.

Identifying information has been omitted

to protect the families of those involved.

Hold on a second.

If we’re telling the story, let’s do it right.

Tell it from the beginning, with all the details.

When the media got hold of it, they lied and exaggerated the story.

We suffered a lot.

Look!

Look how much we’ve suffered.

It’ll be like therapy, or atonement.

The truth and nothing but the truth.

No holds barred…

Subjectivity: reconstruction of events.

My wife is a fox. She's stunning, gorgeous.

The first time I saw her in the nude

it was like standing at the altar of the Virgin Mary.

Imagine, a woman like that, married to me.

My wife is the best.

She’s rock ’n’ roll, great-looking, funny, intelligent, bright…

She’s the mother of my daughters, although she’s a mother to me too.

She really takes care of me.

And she keeps me in line!

She has a perfect body.

Her eyes, her hair, her skin, the way she smells…

You should see her dance!

Plus she’s intelligent, funny, smart, witty…

She’s a fucking goddess. A goddess, she’s stunning, but...

She’s very good-looking, but the only problem is that...

Is that...

Is that, you know...

When you open a gift, it’s a surprise.

But what if you open that gift a hundred times? A thousand?

No, a million times. What do you do?

You kiss her head like a granddaughter,

squeeze her cheeks like a baby.

You start using cute nicknames.

“Sweetie-pie,” “Baby cakes.”

You see her as one of the family,

your sister, your cousin, your grandma.

And sleeping with one of your family...

That’s incest, right?

You get annoyed by stupid things you never noticed before.

Dirty feet.

She walks round the house barefoot and gets in bed with dirty feet.

The granny scarf, a raggedy sweater, turtleneck underwear...

You love what's behind the appearance.

Night cream. On her face, all over her body.

It’s like sleeping with a wax doll.

You consider yourself a lucky guy.

But you know...

...she doesn't...

Fine. I’ll say it.

She doesn’t turn you on.

You love her… but you don’t want her.

We were... no, we still are friends from way back.

We swore an oath that went:

I swear by all worldly pleasures,

by all the vices and all the booze,

that we’ll always be friends,

no matter what happens,

even if it’s bad.

However messed up you get. Amen!

Amen.

Totally inseparable.

Christ! We said it all the time.

So we kept the oath,

we went to college and we stuck together.

Well…

I was the first to get married.

Marcos got married, I met Nuria…

Marriage, work, responsibilities, commitments…

That’s life, right?

Then we all got an invitation

to the student reunion at our old high school.

I didn’t think twice.

It was a chance to see the old gang again.

I had to go.

What’s up!?

They’d gotten older.

They were older, balder...

they were fatter.

You have to stay in shape!

Use skin cream, take calcium, eat bananas.

So where’s Juanillo?

- He's not here yet. - Must be on his way.

How could we weigh more with less hair?

There we all were...

and it was so great to see them!

We sat down at a table and talked like crazy.

Life's great, work is fantastic, life's amazing.

The night flew by, we were drunk, they closed the restaurant,

we didn’t know where to go and...

I think it was Juan.

I think it was Carlos.

I think it was Marcos.

I think it was David.

Jesus, look out, dude!

OK! Over here Over here!

- What are you doing? - Shut up, OK?

Be careful, dude!

- Oh shit! - Be careful!

Can you keep it down a bit?

You’ll wake up the whole neighborhood!

- Watch your balls! - Don't you get vertigo?

Shut the fuck up!

We're in!

Fucking awesome!

We were fifteen again. Wow. It was epic.

So long since I smoked a joint.

Good, huh? It's from my cousin. Should I get more?

Yeah, sure!

If my wife finds out I’m toking she’ll cut my dick off.

When you get home, make love to her, you'll be fine.

I don’t make love anymore.

- So what do you do? - I'm just a bugbear.

- No more wolfman! -Yeah!

Pass me the joint. Come on, man!

Whoa, that smell!

Yup, it stinks.

Do you guys have a lot of sex with your wives?

Sure! I’m a stud.

- More like a dud. - Moron.

But how often?

I dunno… Per year? Per month?

Per week.

Not weekly, there’s no way because of the girls.

But my wife and I manage, every now and then.

Yeah. If we make an effort we might do it... once.

Once?

Once.

And you, Juan?

More! Way more.

And you, Carlos?

I don’t know, once, sometimes twice.

So you're like me, right?

What do you mean?

You never feel like sleeping with your wives.

- What are you talking about? - Come on, what the fuck, man?

Speak for yourself!

OK, fine! What a pair!

On weeknights,

my mother-in-law stays over

to help with the girls.

The passion fades.

Passion doesn’t fade. Passion is passion.

We’ve accepted this like it’s totally normal.

Doesn't that worry you?

It really doesn't worry you?

It doesn't worry you?

Hey, David. Man, it worries me.

Christ! An honest guy!

So what do you do?

I don't know. What can I do? Nothing.

Some nights I don’t feel like it and I lock myself in the bathroom.

I turn on the faucet, let the water run and...

I wait till she falls asleep.

That's how it is.

I have a secret technique.

I have telekinetic sex.

When I’m in bed with my wife I imagine another woman.

That way I break up the monotony.

Using my method, I’ve had sex...

with Sara Carbonero, Beyoncé…

Even Letizia.

Letizia?

She’s skinny, but she’s the queen!

Damn, we’re in bad shape.

Hey, no big deal, right?

The other night I left work stressed, more than usual.

And I walked into one of these disco bars.

There happiness, life, people having fun, women!

You know, women?

I just took off, scared shitless, I freaked out.

I got home and it was all I could think about.

I needed to go out drinking, dance, get wasted.

I needed you guys.

I needed to tomatify.

“Tomatify.”

We were married!

“Tomatify.”

That was our word for going out to pick up chicks,

when we were kids.

It seemed so long ago.

It was super late and we had work the next day

so we said good night and went home.

It was so late it was already day.

We all went home...

but something... had changed.

In our heads, there was only one thought.

It was insane.

“Tomatify.”

“Tomatify.”

We didn’t realize, but we were opening Pandora’s box

and climbing inside.

I made a WhatsApp group called “Tomato.”

“Tomato, tomato...”

We sent each other 300 messages a day.

Come on!

I ignored them.

I wanted to solve my real problems.

I was totally stressed out.

Like an ice cube right here in my chest.

So I went to see my psychiatrist.

He was nervous. I prescribed Rivotril drops.

Rivotril, Rivofril or something. It calmed me down a lot.

I recommended a center for sexual disorders.

Caress therapy, learning to kiss, to enjoy repetition,

the language of the hands, the imagination as a sexual organ.

All those plastic couples

smiling at each other.

But I was willing to do anything. Anything.

Obviously he had to go with his wife

No. No way.

I can’t go home and tell my wife, "I don’t want you anymore."

"By the way, I signed you up for New Age caress therapy."

Come on!

You can’t tell your wife you don’t desire her.

It would be like saying you don’t like her mom, for example.

Or that she looks fat in the morning.

Or that her sister is hot.

Look, how can we desire our wives

if we don’t desire anyone?

We could go out and try.

Right?

I could help us...

I dunno.

To get back what we lost.

“Tomatifying,” isn’t going out to score.

It’s going out...

and maybe you score.

I spent the whole night thinking...

How could we go out and tomatify without our wives finding out?

We had to play away, as visitors.

A weekend just for us.

David had the idea of the courses.

I made a pack in Photoshop.

So I got a marketing course,

put each person's company logo on it

and sent it to them to print out.

Awesome idea.

The packs were crap.

They had topics, times, subjects and the tutors' names.

Two pages, not much more.

We picked a date: the following Friday.

We had to choose a city.

Zaragoza.

It was perfect.

It was far enough away

and big enough

that no-one had friends or family there.

"Oh, Zaragoza, fairest of the fair,

you’ve got a crack in your ass and it’s full of hair."

But what if one of our wives calls the hotel

while we're out tomatifying?

We bought a phone and put the number in the pack as the hotel's.

So if our wives called, the machine would pick up.

Devious, huh?

Then we call our wife back

before they call again.

Carlos came in, even more nervous than usual.

I told him my friends' plans

and asked if it made sense to cheat on our wives

to revive our marriages.

It was outrageous! I’d never heard of anything like it.

I immediately asked if I could come along.

I couldn’t say no.

My name is Benet Sáez.

But you can call me Dr. Sáez.

I've been married to my wife

for 27 years.

I want to enjoy of every minute of my life.

27 years…

When we had our info packs, it was time to lie.

Honey, I don’t want to go to Zaragoza.

Zaragoza? I don’t like Zaragoza.

We have to do this course: "Marketing and Sales.”

And... blah, blah, blah.

The day of the first outing come around.

The hardest part of psychiatry...

is that people are irrational.

People cry when they’re happy.

Can you think of anything more ridiculous?

Their irrationality makes psychiatry an impossible science!

Well anyway, there they are. We made it.

Doctor! Welcome to the family.

- And you are? - I'm David.

Marcos, what the - ?

What are you doing?

I’m scared of being recognized!

You look like the invisible man.

Leave that here! A keg?

Relax, leave it to me!

Don’t worry, I’ll sit in the middle and put it between my legs.

A beer? Stick it on your head.

I can’t see!

Get this, get this! What if we change names?

I'll be Marcos Banderas.

No, I’m Marcos.

What’s the problem? We can both be Marcos.

- Take it easy! - OK, cut it out!

My wife! My wife is calling!

- Take the call! - I’m answering, I’m answering!

I'm answering!

- Hi Pookie Bear. - Pookie Bear?

Please! Be quiet!

Hello, I’m still on the bus.

Everybody’s asleep, I can’t talk right now.

We’re going through a... There’s not much cover...

Give the kids lots of kisses from me.

And a big one for you too.

I’ll call you when I get there.

So are we changing names or not?

- If I can't be Marcos... - Not Marcos again!

I’m Marcos!

You guys are giving me a headache!

Get this straight OK?

I’m chewing a Valium, if anyone...?

What do you mean, you don't want to?

You're fucking kidding!

Hey, hey! This is a B-side!

Listen to me, my old friend…

I don’t know if you’ll remember...

We never changed names.

Singing like crazy.

On the edge of right, On the edge of right...

On the edge of wrong, on the edge of wrong...

I’ll be waiting on the edge of right and wrong.

Hey! No! Motherfuckers!

We had the biggest seafood feast in history.

OK, boys, here you go.

My God...

Olé, olé!

In Zaragoza. Seafood. Barnacles, nom nom.

Little prawns. Delicious.

Ferran is capable of anything.

Any kids, doctor?

No. We haven’t had children.

We’ve had several dogs, but no kids.

- You couldn’t? -No, we just didn't.

- By the way... - I have two.

A little bird told me your wife is very beautiful.

Yes, she's beautiful.

A total goddess...

She is scorching hot.

Yes, she's hot.

You didn’t bone my wife with that telekinesis of yours, did you?

He boned her, her boned her!

He boned her!

And yours too!

You don't fuck your buddies' wives!

Get that into your head!

Hold on! You have to tell us that secret technique of yours.

- No, no. - Yes, come on...

OK, shut up! Be quiet!

OK, OK. But keep it down, please!

When I have to perform with my wife,

I perform.

But you know what I do? I fake it.

- How do you fake it? - The orgasm!

But how?

OK, listen:

So you’re with your wife, you’re in bed

and this is important: she's face down, ass in the air.

so when she's in position ass in the air,

you slip it in to your wife.

OK? Right there, like a colossus. Inside.

And you start gradually, that's the way.

Without losing contact.

Nice and slow, no hurry.

Then you change it up.

Change it up. And then...

Right cheek, left cheek right cheek, left cheek.

You start to play with those things.

You change the rhythm.

You're there, giving it all you got, and you go...

There comes a point, I'm in there, really tight...

You're like a battering ram.

You’re Attila! You're Attila!.

The grass will never grow back!

You slap that ass!

Finally you're like...

Go on, cum!

That's it. Bin the condom.

Oh please.

I find it all really stressful.

Anyway, we ate and drank like wild beasts.

We got a little bit side-tracked that night.

That’s not a kebab, you know what it is? A dürüm.

- It’s a real dürüm. - It's called a dürüm.

Dürüm!

From now on I’ll call you bean sprout.

Look, I’ll do it with yours, with mine it’s gross.

OK, what's this?

An Eskimo jerking off.

An Eskimo!

What does a wife say to her husband

after giving him a blow job?

What does she say?

I love you.

Oh man, please!

What do you want me to do? She works, I work every day.

Put a little humor in your life! A little spice.

Fuck, I can't believe I'm the one saying this!

- You have no shame. - Carlitos! Carlitos!

Carlitos! I’m proud of you for saying that.

- Carlitos! -Why do you think I'm here?

I love you.

And you know what?

I love you too, even though you’re a pussy.

- Me too. - For Christ's sake.

Don't get mad, I love you too.

Guys, I can’t take any more.

- What time is it? - Midnight.

We were scared of hooking up.

We ate too much.

Juan said he'd take us somewhere he'd been recommended.

A quiet spot, with music and a young crowd...

Night owl, night owl...

My wife is so delighted, I’m a night owl!

I'm a night owl!

A night owl!

We'd forgotten the point of the trip.

We took a taxi and the adventure began.

No excuses.

Time to tomatify.

Kill or be killed.

It was about being young again.

Adolescence never ends, you just give up on it.

- Here's to tomatifying! - Tomatifying!

Holy shit! Holy shit!

We were so pathetic, acting like teenagers…

You’re old!

Excuse me, Miss, would you like me to buy you a drink?

Pappy... How can I put this?

You're old!

Babe, let me buy you a drink.

Come on! We’re all going to score. We gotta get psyched!

It says here, we’re the prize!

Hook-up tricks. I memorize them.

Women don't scare me.

Juan! You brought a book to score?

It’s OK, guys, we’ll call a taxi and go somewhere else.

- It’s five in the morning. - A taxi?

We were puppets without strings, scarecrows with dicks...

Night trash.

Here’s what I do with five in the morning.

Carlos, look.

It was the Titanic.

Luckily I have some experience.

I’d prepared a little help, an insignificant placebo.

We will not sleep alone tonight.

We will not sleep alone tonight, doctor.

No, I don’t do drugs.

It’s not a drug, it’s medication, with a prescription.

We will not sleep alone.

We won't sleep alone tonight.

We will not sleep alone.

I’m your doctor, they won’t hurt you.

Carlitos…

- No, no… - Carlitos.

No calling me Carlitos.

Carlitos…

No calling me Carlitos.

We will not sleep alone tonight.

We will not sleep alone!

I have no idea what we took.

I had a blast. Why lie?

I don’t know how, but we ended up at the hotel.

Turn round.

I swear by all worldly pleasures, all the vices and all the booze…

I swear by all worldly pleasures, all the vices and all the booze…

that we’ll always be friends

no matter what happens

...even if it’s bad.

Amen!

You OK, kid?

I'm just happy...

The fact is, methamphetamine is a little deceptive.

When you think it's wearing off...

Fire, fire!

No fire! There’s no fire!

We overdid it with the drugs...

Carlos, dude, Carlos, wake up…

It’s Juan… He’s not moving…

Dude…

He’s dead, no doubt about it.

What?

Go fuck yourselves,

he’s got a boner.

Rigor mortis!

Rigor mortis…

He’s dead, OK?

Gonna call an ambulance….

- What are you doing? - An ambulance!

You killed him!

You killed him!

Silence!

If you call an ambulance, they take him,

his wife finds out he wasn't on a course,

- and they’ll rumble him. - And rumble us too.

Because his wife is friends with your wife,

who's friends with your wife, who's friends with my wife!

- Very dangerous. - What do we do?

Take off the robe!

Lift his leg first!

Stop, stop, stop!

This is…

This is horrible.

You motherfuckers! Fuck every single one of you, assholes!

Who put me in here?

I'm claustrophobic! You put me in the trunk!

And who dressed me up like the fat bad guy in Ghandi?

Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck every single one of you.

I’ve had it up to here with this place, fuck this!

- Juan! - Fuck you all, and your mothers!

Well, maybe he wasn’t dead. That’s another option.

Hangover…

A killer…

This isn’t tomatifying.

To tomatify 100% you have to hook up.

Bunch of morons.

Silence, please. Silence.

Please, make this hell stop.

It’s your wife, calling the hotel phone.

What do I do?

Call her in 5 minutes from your cell.

I don’t get it.

She called the number from the info pack.

She’ll get the machine. You just play dumb, that's all.

That’s right.

Wait a second. You’re going to call with that voice?

It’s my wife. What do I do?

Whatever, just answer it.

The first time in 5 years I haven’t picked up.

Oh God...

Please, just answer it.

What do I do?

Answer it, please, for the love of Christ.

Say you’re in class, whisper, say you’re in class!

Hi, Pookie Bear. How are you?

Yeah, I’m in the middle of a class.

I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you later, OK?

What?

Yes, of course I care about your mother...

Just a second...

Jesus…

Yeah, yeah. But I’m in class.

I’ll call you when it’s over. Big kiss.

- You OK? - No.

- Did she get mad? - I dunno, I guess.

Turn off the fucking phones.

In terms of scoring...

No. We didn’t get to first base.

Whoa. Total failure.

My clothes were filthy. I nearly got caught.

I had to put on a wash. In secret.

It wasn’t what you’d call a success…

We were too old to be fooling around.

I decided to forget it all, just drop it...

You couldn’t say we didn’t try.

…and go back to therapy, there was no other choice.

We had to go on with our lives, that was the truth.

I told myself it could work. It had to work.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Most of all, we had to learn to score.

Want me to show you where it all happened?

Yeah? Really? Let’s go.

Come on.

Ready? We needed somewhere to meet,

where we could be free, where we could be ourselves.

I had just the place.

We’re on the outskirts of Barcelona, impossible to find without GPS.

This is where the plan entered the next phase.

The gym.

You could tell you wife you were going to the gym

without feeling guilty, 'cause it was true:

it was a gym.

Not that way, this way.

We went in the back door so as not to attract attention.

Come in.

The only difference was instead of doing a few reps,

you had a few drinks!

That’s when someone said the word...

“Club”!

We had a place to meet and we hired the author of the book.

It cost a fortune. But it was the ultimate investment.

Hi, I’m Juan Ruiz.

Everybody knows me as... “The Teacher.”

I’ll tell you a story: I was 14 and I was ugly.

I had huge ears, pimples...

When I was 21 and I had never kissed a woman.

I decided to change and that’s up to you.

He convinced us all right away.

I went to the U.S.A. and learned from the best.

I became a... “self-made man.”

My first impression was...

this punk is going to teach me to pick up chicks? Me?

Dandruff, fingernails, pimples...

They looked like blocked men, and women don't want that.

The first thing I told them was

“unblock yourself.”

Bam! He was the master, he was always on target.

I gave them classes,

but it was such an extreme case of unmanliness

I decided it was time for action.

We weren’t sure where to go out next.

I wanted to find the best place for scoring in Spain.

They called it the “S Factor.”

We compared data from every city.

Number of female inhabitants, single girls, couples,

infidelity statistics, sales in sex shops, everything.

And ahead of Madrid, Marbella, Ibiza...

Lleida.

I told my cousin Jordi.

Hi, I'm Jordi. I’m 30,

and I work making photo depilation needles.

Naturally… he wanted to come.

I don’t have a girlfriend and I’ve never had one.

Well, only David knows this. My cousin

I hid it from the guys in the club because…

I wanted them to accept me.

There were too many for the car, so we rented a minivan.

On the edge of right...

On the edge of right!

What are you doing?

I didn’t want them to score in the usual places, like a pub

a club, a disco full of teenagers...

No. I did my research and I put them in a hotel

where there was a hair and make-up convention.

Who did that?

“The Teacher.”

The teacher was a little weird.

He kept speaking in English,

but you could tell he was from Jaén.

Stop now!

OK, this is important.

The honor code.

The honor code?

Women don’t scare me. Repeat.

Women don’t scare me.

Motherfucker up shit! What's the biggest seduction mistake?

Being trigger-happy.

Trigger-happy?

Fear, because when you’re afraid you feel inferior.

- Guys, we studied this. - Yeah, right.

What does a woman want? A brave man.

Women don’t scare me.

Women don’t scare me.

Women don’t scare me.

Women don’t scare me.

Are we men or aren't we? Women don’t scare me!

Women don’t scare me!

We crashed some kind of seminar.

A make-up artist convention.

The logic is so devastating. It’s genius.

My students were put to the test.

They were going to be soldiers of Venus.

It was crawling with women.

I mean, crawling with women!

We could have died.

I taught them one of my favorite rules:

the Three Second Rule.

You make eye contact with a woman, you're ready to talk.

You clench your fists, you count “one, two, three”...

You talk to her.

If you delay,

you're a Peeping Tom and women want decisiveness,

a man who knows what he wants.

Hey, gorgeous. Having a good night?

Great. I'm here with my partner.

One. Two. Three.

Go.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you guys with a company?

- We make face cream. - "Creamsinc".

What brand?

Creams Inc. "Creamsinc."

- If I’m bothering you, just say. - No, it's fine. Great.

What a pleasure. This is... great.

- Hi! - Hi!

Having a good time?

Yes, we were just about to order a drink.

Oh really!

Let's get that drink.

Some people fail and pull out of the game, but no.

When you fail, you’re learning.

You son of a bitch, "Creamsinc"?

I'm sorry, I couldn’t help it, I swear.

- What are you doing? - I'm growing,

Every failure helps me grow.

I’m learning! I’m learning, dammit!

Godammit, I'm learning!

I love you!

To attack a girl, never attack head on,

without an escape route.

Use the crab technique.

The Crab.

Approach her as if you’re leaving,

like it was nothing.

Your feet never point at the target.

Hi... you’re a very pretty girl.

If the target ignores you,

radically change tack.

And keep acting like nothing is happening.

I got distracted, Iooking the other way. Hey!

It's an ancient technique.

You approach without being seen,

it’s part of the magic of seduction.

Don’t look desperate.

Don’t show your hunger,

don't show you're out to score.

Did you want anything?

Should I want something?

You have to ask questions.

We all like talking about ourselves.

Ask and listen, ask and listen.

You swap ideas with colleagues...

And you’re here for…?

-...the make-up. -Of course!

- Me too - You too?

- You work in make-up?

- Eyelashes.

So, women... The principle of...

Oh fuck, I messed up...

Ask, ask, ask.

You’re not from here, right?

What’s the objective?

To find that person’s hidden dream.

What I want most?

- Most in the world. - What a question!

What a question...

What do you like most?

Do you know?

More or less, I’m looking!

Well me too!

We're looking for the same thing, right?

Nice, something in common!

My real passion is singing.

How about singing something for me?

I love sculpting with clay.

How wonderful!

And suddenly, being yourselves,

and finding their hidden dream...

More, a little more.

Without realizing, it's endless seduction.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's the most difficult part of the night.

The kiss.

I should be going.

Never ask for a kiss. That’s for clowns.

There’s a foolproof trick, which is to look into her eyes

and tell her...

I’m going to kiss you.

Count to three in your head.

Move closer...

Kiss her gently.

I was kissing her.

I picked up a foreign girl, it was the best night of my life.

It was incredible.

Foreign chicks, hard dicks. I dunno.

Oh my God! I was so proud of them...

He unblocked us.

Almost everyone.

Juan wanted to score so badly, but he was so bad at it.

It’s like I’m stuck at a castrated developmental stage

and somehow I can’t... finish the job.

Charly didn't want to hook up.

He wouldn’t or he couldn’t.

His head was in a mess,

and to score you have to free your mind,

because you have to trust yourself.

Give me a close-up on the next line, please.

Closer, the eyes, the eyes.

"Trust yourself."

Being unfaithful... is really weird.

Worse than punching your dad.

But suddenly you get home

and you see your wife in a new light.

When you compare your wife to a fantasy, the fantasy wins

because it’s perfect.

But when the fantasy becomes reality, it’s not so fantastic:

your wife is fantastic.

It was like taking your head out of the water and saying, "Damn!"

I can breathe so much better.

The desire was back. I called it...

“The Force.”

You feed your ego.

Someone finds you attractive.

You dared to have an adventure.

Money attracts money, sex attracts sex.

It worked.

It worked like a charm.

I made love to my wife.

No faking, it was real.

We were getting in so much shit.

I didn’t want to go out with them.

They were troublemakers and I had enough trouble already.

Christians invented guilt, with all the cross business.

I came home with the cross, the nails and the crown of thorns.

Yes! How could I not feel guilty? Of course I felt guilty.

Of course I felt guilty! What am I, an animal? Sure I did!

I saw my wife and I felt bad, but that’s the price you pay, right?

Don’t ask again, that's all I'm saying.

Hands off!

That cost money! For God's sake...

I said to hell with it, it’s finished.

Why obsess over it? I didn’t want to cheat on her.

Besides, sex isn’t that important for a couple.

That was the best part, we decided to go big.

The Nice Unfaithful Husbands Club.

“Nice” because we were doing it for a good cause:

to save our marriages.

Well, it made sense at the time.

We soon realized the power of the force wouldn’t last.

That was a problem.

It would be the most perfect club in the world.

Invest in R&D.

Learn from our mistakes.

We started sending encrypted emails, written with symbols

so when you change the font: Presto! The message appeared.

Encrypted messages? They were like goddam Boy Scouts.

The lockers were here.

We’d leave our briefcases, and rings, very important.

We had the machines here, for washing clothes,

so we didn’t go home smelling of booze.

But the best thing was this:

the foosball table was here.

Everybody wanted to join, so we accepted new members.

My name is Javier and I’m 8.

My name is Abel and I’m 10.

I’m 2.

4 months.

10 years.

39 years.

45 years.

5 years.

2 months.

Your age in the club is how long you’ve been married.

We set up a small switchboard.

Dancing classes.

Merengue, bachata, cha-cha-cha, tango...

We bought a computer, printers, one of those binding machines...

We made up custom courses for each of us.

Some members prepared nights out,

others found the conventions with most women.

I handled psychological issues.

Some got depressed at first, or became euphoric.

I was in charge of creating good vibes.

There was even a team who bought gifts and wrapped them

so when we went home

we could give our wives a gift from the place we’d supposedly been.

I handled alcohol and drugs, of course. I’m a psychiatrist.

We were like one big family.

I created a website

The Jewelry Club dot com.

Click the ring, enter your password and you’re in the club.

You could check anything you wanted, chat with members,

and an exit button, if you got caught!

Straight back to the jewelry.

We had our married life and our player life. We had it all.

It wasn’t just about women.

We had friends, we had adventures,

we had got back... that zest for life.

Check out this awesome pic.

My cousin Jordi, Marcos.

That’s me goofing off.

Juan, the doctor...

What a sign up! The doctor, damn.

We went out once a month, never to the same place.

We followed David’s selection criteria..

And somehow we reached our tenth night out.

We had to celebrate in style.

Picking a destination was easy.

Obviously... Lleida.

What’s in Lleida? Nothing.

So people just fuck, fuck, fuck.

All day long, wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

Boo-ya, boo-ya! I love it.

They kept calling me, sending emails...

I wanted to share it, I wanted him to see what we'd built.

He was there from the beginning.

I told David I was really happy with my wife.

He was lying his ass off.

And that I would never, ever go back,

never-ever-ever, nothing they could do.

- So did you go? - Yes, in the end I did.

- Viagra. - Viagra.

Unbelievable.

Maybe there were too many of us.

Tomatify!

Tomatify!

We were on fire, we went all out.

Who's read the Jack London novel, "The Call of the Wild"?

It's about a dog named Buck

who was led to believe he was a tame house dog.

But he wasn’t, not really.

No, doctor. He was really... a wolf.

There are five rules in this club.

Five rules.

You have to memorize them all, OK? Right.

The first rule is...

This is important, OK?

First rule of the club, first rule:

We only accept married men.

Second club rule:

No hooking up outside the club.

No, never!

Third club rule:

Falling in love with other women is not allowed.

Never! No!

Fourth club rule:

We don't pay for sex.

We’re not killers! We’re hunters.

And the fifth and most important:

None of you are here. Not even Carlos is here. The club…

does not exist.

Let’s go!

Start the bus, Antonio. Start it up, we’re on our way!

Tomatify!

Carlos and Juan were our unfinished business.

They needed help.

They were all watching me,

as if my success was their success.

Tonight's the night.

See that, Carlitos?

Did you see that?

Doesn’t it give you butterflies in your stomach?

Give me some space, OK?

Hey, Carlos.

There’s Carlos!

It's wall-to-wall pussy!

- I'm not upset. - Who are you mad at?

- No-one. - What is it?

- Nothing! - What's wrong, you can tell me!

Hi, how’s it going?

Oh wow, pussy.

Cheers!

I like it, I like it.

What the hell are you doing?

What?

What do you mean, what?

Juan having a ball! He's right there....

He's there!

He's up there!

Don’t touch me, David, don’t touch me, damn it.

Just a little push.

It's just a push.

Are they hookers?

Well... No!

They’re hookers...

They're ladies of the night.

They’re just...

What the fuck were the rules for?

What was the fucking point?

They weren’t rules, they were... advice.

Tonight we “tomatify” and scorify!

No. Not mine. Mine wasn’t a prostitute.

Poor Juan.

He really thought he had scored.

Was she a prostitute?

I don’t think it’s so bad.

I realized I’d made another mistake.

I said to hell with it all, and left.

But first, I look to my right and see Marcos

sucking some chick’s face,

the same chick he met our first time in Lleida.

Yeah, we knew, but....

He looked so in love...

No, I wasn't in love at all.

Not yet.

Falling in love wasn’t allowed?

I had no idea.

I didn’t know that rule.

There was only one rule really: the club doesn’t exist.

On the way back to the hotel I felt sad, lonely, stressed...

things were bad with Silvia, the club wasn’t for me, I was screwed.

So I went to the cocktail bar at the hotel

on the verge of a breakdown.

A glass of water, please.

The pain in my chest was unbearable. And suddenly...

Isn’t that too much?

No, it’s normal, it’s what my doctor recommends.

Breathe, breathe!

I’ve got it, I’ve got it. Are you OK?

Yeah, thanks, thanks.

You’re in a bad way.

You're not OK.

I just need to...

And we just started talking.

I took the teacher’s advice: I listened.

and I really liked her.

She was gorgeous. And I hadn’t felt anything in so long...

And then I started feeling

this overwhelming urge to kiss her.

And a part of me was saying: “Kiss her.”

"Come on, for Christ's sake, kiss her!"

It was insane.

She invited me up to her room.

And... I couldn’t say no.

Hey, it’s much later than I thought.

- I think I should... - It's late, come in.

Does room service have Rivotril?

I’m sure they do.

We reached the door, she took out her card,

opened the door,

I said I should go, but she pulled me inside.

She let her hair down and tried to kiss me...

I told her I couldn’t, and left.

I came away feeling bad.

I had a good time but I felt bad.

We saw him leaving someone else’s room, we’d done it.

He was in a state of shock.

I gave him 2 Rohypnols but he wouldn't take them.

We were all happy for him.

We got to Barcelona, I said goodbye to my friends.

I didn’t want to tell them anything, and suddenly...

I felt like…

...like...

“The force.”

The ego.

Alternating current.

Like shit.

I got home, Silvia was asleep.

She looked like an angel...

And I had the feeling of having a sign saying:

I have been unfaithful to you.

I was at home when it happened.

The shit storm began.

Right when I was about to get in bed...

Boom, my phone rings.

It was David.

I used club invoices as a tax deduction.

That cost us dearly.

A hotel sent a bill to my house and my wife gets suspicious

checks my wallet, my clothes...

finds nothing goes down to the car.

She checks the addresses on the GPS and there's one she doesn’t know.

He called me in a panic saying his wife was heading to the club.

We had to stop her.

Juan checks the map, Carlos lived closest.

I felt like crying, I wanted to kill them.

He had to leave immediately.

I told Silvia my boss was locked in the office and I ran.

His wife took the coast road.

He had to go via the center

take exit 7, and he'd gain 5 minutes.

Finally I got into the club. I threw everything out the window:

the packs, the printers, the photos from the trips.

Here in the sun visor.

That’s how my wife found the keys.

In one room I hid the foosball, the plasma screen, the videogames.

My wife got here, tried the door, it opened and she walked in.

I heard someone come in.

I was calling her but she wouldn’t pick up.

I went like this.

And I hid under the table, like a cockroach.

Carlos was hiding in there.

Suddenly I see her looking in the wastebaskets

getting closer to this one.

My wife was getting closer to where Carlos was hiding.

Like Jaws, you know?

She would see me!

I was about to die.

She looks in the basket.

And at that moment…

She looks in the basket…

Her phone rings.

And it was David.

That was it.

We could have died…

She apologized.

She hung up, started crying

...and she left.

So I got home,

Silvia was asleep.

I wanted to hug her so much. I was so scared of losing her.

So I started stroking her

and I noticed she was uncomfortable, it wasn’t working.

And at that moment,

I realized she knew everything.

She said she was tired, she needed to sleep…

and it took me hours to get to sleep

and next day when I opened my eyes

I found her sitting on the edge of the bed.

And, feeling terrified,

I asked her what was wrong.

Then she turned away.

She couldn’t even look me in the face.

She said she had to talk and …

and she said...

She said she’d been cheating on me for 3 months.

Carlos called, he had something important to tell me.

I couldn't understand it.

I was cheating on her, not her on me.

I was so jealous,

but I couldn’t be mad at her

because I was cheating on her.

But I was very pissed off.

I went to see David because I had to talk.

David gave me this weird address I’d never been to in my life.

Password.

What?

Password.

Come on.

Come in, Carlitos, it’s a joke. The club doesn’t exist. Come on.

Come in man, come in.

David?

Bravo!

Carlitos, I love you.

OK, OK!

OK.

It's good manners to say thank you, right Carlos?

All the members of the club

want to thank you for what you did last night.

Your courage saved the club!

OK, OK.

We’ve decided to give you a year's free membership, and...

a commemorative medal: Honorary Member of the Club.

Speech, speech!

No speeches, no speeches.

Carlos has always been a man of few words.

OK, alright. I'll speak.

I...

can't....

I can't accept this medal.

- But thank you. - Carlos...

Look, David. I told you I wanted to talk.

What’s wrong?

The problem is, it doesn’t work.

Don’t you realize this is bullshit? The club is bullshit.

Let me speak!

Don't touch me! Don’t touch me! I want to speak!

- Dammit! - Let him speak!

It works for you because you’re not in love with your wives.

Sure David, but no. Don’t look at me like that.

Why did you get married?

I was in love.

In love? You can't stand limits.

And look at you now, who are you?

King of the Unfaithful Husbands.

Do you like what you see?

What about you, Marcos?

You don't love your wife, you hate her,

You married her because your family pressured you to do it.

You don't love her.

You fell in love with another woman!

No, no...

Yes, Marcos! As for you Juan...

I can’t believe you did this to your wife!

Why did you do it?

Because the rest of us did?

And you, doctor...

You’re not tired of your wife, you’re tired of yourself.

Take my advice: see a psychiatrist.

We came up with a fucking great plan.

But our wives aren’t included. Awesome.

Such bullshit.

The Nice Unfaithful Husbands Club.

Such crap! There are guys here who don’t even have girlfriends.

All those bullshit rules you made up.

What if our wives did the same?

Would they be “nice” too?

Goodbye.

Carlos, Carlos!

He’s not thinking straight, he’s on edge.

Bam!

Reality check...

It was terrible, terrible.

He was really mad.

Yup.

I came out feeling devastated, but I knew what I had to do,

so I got home with one idea in my head.

We were a tight bunch.

Strong, solid.

When I got in Silvia was in the dining room, very upset.

And it was hard, but I told her to listen...

I told her everything.

The club, the nights out,

the girl in Lleida.

It was horrible. Horrible.

We didn't realize...

but Carlos had broken the only rule, the main rule.

The club doesn’t exist.

No, no. Silvia told no-one. No-one.

Well, yes, she told her best friend,

but he swore not to tell anyone.

But he told his girlfriend, and she told another five friends.

Those five friends told another five, and another five,

and another five, and another, and so on.

until it got back to the concierge at David and Ana’s building

The concierge told the story in incredible detail.

My wife got suspicious again.

She got in the car and came here. Again.

Ana was close friends with Ines, my...

My wife talked to Ines, Marcos’ wife.

And she told a friend, who told another, and another...

We were friends!

They all found out.

Good things never last.

We got caught.

Total crash.

It was terrible.

We raised the risk premium too high.

Your life is a house of cards.

One puff and…

It's gone.

When I got home my wife was waiting to kill me.

43 marriages destroyed, including mine.

We were dropping like flies and the worst part was...

we didn’t know what to do.

My goddess left.

I’d never seen her look so sad,

and it was my fault.

Can we stop for a second? Please?

The next day,

when I finished work here.

Right here.

I tidied up and I was heading home and...

Wow...

Not even a professional like myself could have seen it coming.

When we found out, it was too late.

My phone was ringing but I was welding,

with the machines going.

I didn’t realise they were going to...

Carlos? Where’s Carlos?

They went berserk.

They were crazy. Crazy.

People were possessed by anger and guilt.

They needed to express it.

Maybe Carlos messed up, but...

But kill him? No way.

I swear by all the worldly pleasures...

by all the vices and all the booze...

that we will always be friends...

that we will always be friends...

that we will always be friends...

no matter what happens...

even if it’s bad...

however messed up you get.

Amen.

They came to rescue me! Holy shit!

I’ll never forget it.

We were angry too, but they wanted to kill him.

I thought I’d lost my friends,.

but it was the opposite.

I had two teeth capped, five stitches,

one rib still gives me shooting pains,

and swallowing is sometimes a little hard.

We would have been caught anyway,

because we'd lost our minds.

We’re not 10 years old, we’re grown-ups.

You join a cheaters club, you know what could happen:

your wife could catch you.

You have to accept responsibility.

The End.

What happened to our wives?

We had to get them back into our lives.

We all did what we could.

It had to come out some day.

I cheated on the cheaters: I didn’t sleep with that girl.

I faked it.

Please, leave me alone, I’m married,

Didn't you see the ring?

My wife forgave me on 3 conditions.

One: that I never do it again.

Two: we never talk about it again.

Three:

that I see a psychiatrist.

Here’s to fatty! All of them drinking, toasting!

It was awesome!

Well screw them, it was a lie.

I’m unfaithful, OK?

I say it straight out: I’m unfaithful.

No more masks and fronts and covering up.

What?

You think it’s funny for a shrink to see a shrink?

I want a wife who isn’t jealous,

who won’t mind if I sleep with other women

because I won’t mind if she sleeps with other men.

After the club, my wife divorced me.

I’m not getting married.

What about Lola? The girl I met...

...on the trip?

When she heard about the club, she left me.

My wife forgave me.

She even took me out to one of those clubs.

a couples club.

and she said: “From now on, I’ll be your teacher.”

I’m single now.

Great men without wives: Gandhi, Jesus Christ,

Sherlock Holmes, Tintin...

Gandalf.

I’m meeting people now, on the Internet.

I uploaded some pics, now I’m waiting.

Great invention. "Internet."

Not bad.

I decided to take the teacher’s advice

to get her back.

“The Teacher.”

So, while she was still with her lover,

she started cheating on him with me.

In the end she left him and after our little encounters...

we’re expecting a baby.

We turned the record over. Now we're on the B-side.

My specialty.

The club?

What club?

The club doesn't exist.

Every woman thought her husband was in the club.

In their minds the club was a huge thing.

It sounded so good.

The Nice Unfaithful Husbands Club.

Like a movie.

We didn’t fly in a private jet.

We didn’t hypnotize women.

There was no initiation rite,

We didn’t make anyone tattoo the club logo on their penis.

We didn’t traffic women or deal drugs.

We didn't have 1000s of members,

and no way did we sell the franchise in the USA.

It’s not true Julio Iglesias was our patron.

Four friends goofing off.

It’s normal.

There are tribes where mothers sleep with their sons,

and it’s fine, the world keeps turning.

I hope all this gets the truth out there.