Original subtitles

"THE FORCE-CARRYING PARTICLES

"EXCHANGED BETWEEN MATTER PARTICLES

"ARE SAID TO BE VIRTUAL PARTICLES

"BECAUSE, UNLIKE REAL PARTICLES,

"THEY CANNOT BE DIRECTLY DETECTED

BY A PARTICLE DETECTOR."

THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET WILL SWALLOW ANYTHING.

HA HA HA!

OOH, FINALLY!

MY PICTURES OF THE TODAY SHOW GANG.

OH, MY FAVORITE--

MARTHA STEWART.

IS IT AUTOGRAPHED?

NO, BUT SHE SIGNED IT.

SHE LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.

SO HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

THE BEST EVER.

I HAD MY VERY FIRST MAKE-OUT SESSION.

GOOD FOR YOU.

WITH DINA, MY LAB PARTNER.

DINA, THE ONE WITH THE...

OH, YEAH.

TELL US EVERYTHING. I WANT DETAILS.

AT FIRST, I WAS CONFLICTED.

WE COME FROM VERY DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS.

I'M AN ALIEN, AND SHE'S A PRESBYTERIAN.

I HAVE A HIGHLY DEVELOPED MIND,

AND SHE'S GOT THAT BIG, POUTY MOUTH.

I TELL YOU. IT WAS A TOUGH DECISION.

WHAT TIPPED THE SCALES?

SHE LET ME.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME,

BUT THEY WERE SO BIG AND ROUND AND BEAUTIFUL

I JUST HAD TO TOUCH THEM.

THEN WHAT?

SHE SCREAMED, "OW! MY EYES!"

AND THAT JUST BASICALLY KILLED THE MOOD.

DAMN!

"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES."

I'M NOT READING 387 PAGES

IF HE CAN'T MAKE UP HIS MIND IN THE FIRST SENTENCE.

GREAT.

WONDERFUL.

THANKS FOR NOTHING.

WHAT HAPPENED?

MY DATE FOR A WEDDING TOMORROW NIGHT

JUST CANCELED AT THE LAST MINUTE.

HIS BROTHER CAME OUT OF THE COMA.

A WEDDING?

YEAH. A BIG RECEPTION.

A RITUAL?

VERY TRADITIONAL-- CRYING, DANCING.

AND THE FEMALE DEVOURS THE MALE

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE CEREMONY?

NO. HA HA HA!

THAT'S A PROCESS THAT TAKES YEARS AND YEARS.

NINA, ARE YOU MARRIED?

NO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WRONG?

YOU SOUND JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

THAT MUST BE VERY CONFUSING FOR YOU.

OH, I WISH I DIDN'T RSVP.

I HATE GOING TO THESE THINGS BY MYSELF.

I'D LOVE TO GO WITH YOU.

I COULDN'T ASK YOU TO DO THAT.

IT'S SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

I DON'T MIND.

IT'S A TWO-HOUR DRIVE.

I'LL PAY FOR GAS.

A SUIT'S REQUIRED.

I'M WEARING A SUIT.

A NICE SUIT.

I'LL GET ONE. YOU CAN PICK IT OUT.

WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL DO IT!

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME SAY THIS.

WHAT?

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T FIND YOU CHARMING

IN YOUR OWN WAY,

IT'S JUST THAT YOU

TEND TO MAKE A VIVID IMPRESSION ON PEOPLE.

WELL, I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'LL BE ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR.

YOU WON'T BRING YOUR FAMILY?

JUST ME.

FINE.

YOU CAN COME.

EXCELLENT!

MY FIRST WEDDING! I CAN'T WAIT!

OH, AND BE SURE TO WEAR SOMETHING

THAT SHOWS THE CRACK IN YOUR BREASTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SCHOOL NURSE IS TALKING ABOUT.

I DON'T SEE ANY BUG.

I KNOW.

SHE SAID I PROBABLY GOT IT FROM DINA.

HOW? UNLESS THE BUGS SWAM IN WITH THE SALIVA.

THIS IS INTERESTING... MY THROAT TICKLES.

MINE, TOO.

YOU KNOW, I TRIED USING A STICK TO SCRATCH IT,

BUT THAT JUST BROUGHT UP A WHOLE NEW SET OF PROBLEMS.

THIS SHIRT, THIS TIE, THESE SOCKS,

OR THIS SHIRT, THIS TIE, THESE SOCKS?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

MARY'S COUNTING ON ME.

I WANT TO LOOK MY BEST FOR THE WEDDING.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THAT BLONDE?

NOTHING. THIS IS STRICTLY RESEARCH,

BUT TO DESCRIBE HER AS "BLONDE"

IS INACCURATE.

HER HAIR IS MORE LIKE HONEY WITH FLAXEN HIGHLIGHTS

AND JUST THE WHISPER OF GOLD

DANCING PLAYFULLY ABOUT THE HALO THAT SURROUNDS HER.

SO SHE'S NOT "BLONDE."

SORRY. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER THROUGH YOUR LOVE GOGGLES.

I DON'T LOVE HER.

THIS IS A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

TO OBSERVE A WEDDING FIRSTHAND.

THERE'S A LOT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND.

LIKE WHAT?

IT'S REALLY A VERY FASCINATING RITUAL.

THE CEREMONY BEGINS WITH THE BRIDE BEING GIVEN AWAY.

EXCUSE ME.

GIVEN AWAY, LIKE AN OBJECT?

AS IN, "FREE GIRL WITH EVERY LARGE FRIES"?

WAIT. THERE'S FREE GIRLS? CAN I GO?

FRIES? CAN I GO?

NO. I'M AFRAID NOT.

DR. ALBRIGHT HAS ALREADY RSVP'd.

YOU SAID YOU'D STOP SPELLING IN FRONT OF ME.

AH-CHOO!

WOW.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW BUT I WANT ANOTHER ONE.

AH-CHOO!

AHH!

AH-CHOO!

WHOO.

WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR ME?

GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

NINA, I SEEM TO BE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE SWALLOWING THIS MORNING.

IS THERE AN ALTERNATE STOMACH ACCESS?

ARE YOU SICK?

YES, AND THE NOVELTY IS WEARING OFF.

YOU'RE SICK, AND YOU'RE BREATHING MY AIR.

WHICH AIR IS YOURS?

I'LL GET YOU SOME TEA.

WHAT'S THIS?

THIS IS BRILLIANT!

YOU'RE SICK. YOU SHOULD BE HOME IN BED.

IT'S MY FIRST DATE WITH DR. ALBRIGHT.

DR. SOLOMON, I'M SURE SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.

OH, NINA, PLEASE...

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

PROMISE ME YOU WON'T LET DR. ALBRIGHT KNOW THAT I'M SICK. OH!

SHE WON'T HEAR IT FROM ME.

OH.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT!

I'M FINE, THANKS.

GOOD. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO TONIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

ABSOLUTELY.

IT'LL BE FUN.

WHY DON'T YOU PICK ME UP AROUND 7:00-ISH?

7:00-ISH ON THE DOT.

YOU BETTER MAKE IT 6:30.

WE MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE PARK--

YOU MIGHT, BUT I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.

OOH, I'M LATE FOR CLASS.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

CAN'T WAIT.

OH!

OH, MY HEAD IS THROBBING.

MINE'S WORSE.

AND MY BACK ME, TOO. IS ACHING.

MINE'S KILLING ME.

MY BREASTS FEEL LIKE TWO HOT STEAMING BOWLS OF CHILI.

SHE WINS.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

YOU BROUGHT A FOREIGN GERM INTO THIS HOUSE.

HEY, I HAVE AS MUCH A RIGHT TO BE HERE AS ANYBODY ELSE.

SEE YOU LATER.

I'M NOT WEARING PANTS.

I WAS WONDERING WHY THE LINT BRUSH WASN'T WORKING.

DICK, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY TOO SICK TO GO.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY HOME

AND DRIP FLUIDS WITH US?

NONSENSE. I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE.

SALLY'S RIGHT. YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.

NO. NOW HELP ME GET MY PANTS ON,

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED BY A SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISM.

THEY ARE STEALTHY, BUT THEY ARE STUPID.

I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER,

AND I REFUSE TO LET THIS BEAT ME.

IF YOU INSIST ON BEING STUBBORN,

PLEASE TAKE SOME OF THIS COUGH SYRUP.

I DON'T NEED ANY.

YOU HAVE TO.

THE DRUGSTORE LADY SAID IF THIS DOESN'T WORK,

WE HAVE TO PUT A VAPORIZER IN YOUR ROOM.

NO.

AAH!

TASTES BAD?

NO. I JUST DIDN'T CLEAR THE ZIPPER.

WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER HERE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD

AND THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY

TO JOIN TOGETHER THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN

IN HOLY MATRIMONY...

INSTITUTED OF GOD, SIGNIFYING...

NOW, WHICH OF THOSE GUYS IS GOD?

BE QUIET.

O.K., BUT BE SURE TO INTRODUCE ME LATER

BECAUSE I WANT SOME ANSWERS.

SHH!

SHH!

HEH HEH HEH.

NOW, HOW WERE THOSE TWO ABLE TO FIND EACH OTHER?

HE'S RICH. SHE WANTED MONEY

SO SHE COULD SIT ON HER ASS.

I GIVE IT A YEAR.

OH, THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL!

LOOK AT THEM. THEY BELONG TOGETHER.

DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW UGLY THEIR CHILDREN WILL BE?

HA HA HA!

SHH!

OH, YOU SHUSH.

SHH!

SHH!

HEH HEH HEH!

OH, THIS IS SO MOVING--

THE LOVE, THE CLOSENESS.

HOLD ME.

OH, GET OFF!

SHH! SHH! SHH!

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!

WHOO!

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I GOT ANOTHER HOLE HERE.

WHOO!

I MADE CHICKEN SOUP.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE US FEEL BETTER.

AHH!

SALLY, YOU'RE AMAZING.

YOU'RE SO SICK, AND YOU KEEP TAKING CARE OF US.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS CURL UP INTO A BALL,

YET, SOMEHOW, I'M COMPELLED TO NURTURE YOU.

GOD, WHAT A CRUEL DISEASE!

WHY DID WE CHOOSE BODIES THAT COULD DECAY SO EASILY?

I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD COME HERE AS DUCKS,

BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO ME.

HOW COULD DINA DO THIS TO ME

AFTER I WAS NICE ENOUGH

TO BROADCAST THAT SHE WAS A GOOD FRENCHER?

AFTER ALL THE BATTLES I'VE FOUGHT IN

AND ALL THE PLACES I'VE BEEN,

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO DIE

ON A FLEA-INFESTED LITTLE PLANET

IN THE BOONDOCKS OF THE GALAXY...

IN THIS OUTFIT!

NOW I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE,

NEVER GET USED, CHEATED ON,

TOSSED ASIDE LIKE AN OLD SHOE.

I'M GLAD I'M DYING.

I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS,

BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU'D MAKE A TOTALLY KICK-ASS HIGH COMMANDER.

THANKS.

I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED YOUR ELOQUENCE.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

NO ONE CAN TAKE A BLOW TO THE HEAD LIKE YOU, HARRY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

OH, HO HO HO.

I REALLY WISH YOU HADN'T WRESTLED THE MAID OF HONOR FOR THAT.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY EQUAL

UNTIL SOMETHING PRETTY IS BEING GIVEN AWAY.

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

WHY DID THAT GIRL THROW AWAY FLOWERS?

WHAT WAS HER PROBLEM?

IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.

OH, WAIT!

I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU YOUR GIFT YET.

IT'S A TOASTER.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

IN THE ROOM FULL OF PRIZES.

[GLASS CLANKING]

I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST TO THE COUPLE.

HERE HERE! HERE HERE!

TO A LIFETIME OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER.

WE GIVE IT A YEAR!

MARY?

MARY, WHO IS THIS INTERESTING CHARACTER YOU'RE WITH?

DR. RICHARD SOLOMON FROM THE UNIVERSITY.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD TOP THE PERSONAL TRAINER/PLAYWRIGHT,

BUT YOU ALWAYS COME THROUGH.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW DR. SOLOMON

IS A HIGHLY RESPECTED SCHOLAR AND EDUCATOR.

HE MAY BE A BIT ECCENTRIC,

BUT HE IS A WONDERFULLY EXCITING MAN.

I'M HAVING A MUCH BETTER TIME THAN YOU.

I'M PROPOSING A TOAST.

I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY

THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT WOMAN IN THE ROOM

IS NOT THE BRIDE, BUT MARY ALBRIGHT!

YES! YES!

HI.

I HAVE A SPECIAL DISH

AND A SPECIAL HELPER TODAY...

HARRY SOLOMON.

HARRY IS AN ALIEN.

I LO ALIENS.

AND I LOVE YOUR TRADITIONAL OYSTER STUFFING...

IN THEORY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT FEELING VERY WELL, ARE YOU, HARRY?

OH, MARTHA, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE.

WELL, YOU NEED A REASON TO LIVE.

I THINK I HAVE ONE--

FULL, CRISP, GRANNY SMITH APPLE COBBLER.

OHH, MMM!

A LATTICE CRUST.

NOW, OPEN WIDE...

THWUP!

MMM!

SEE? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE,

AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.

OPEN.

MMM-MMM!

MMM!

[KNOCKING]

COME IN!

MARTHA STEWART SAYS I'M NOT GOING TO DIE.

IS TOMMY HOME?

OH! HEY DINA!

TOMMY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO SEE HOW YOU'RE FEELING.

I'M FEELING A LOT BETTER. THANKS.

I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU THE FLU.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

'CAUSE ANYTIME YOU WANT TO GIVE ME ANYTHING,

JUST LET ME KNOW.

IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN,

I'D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

IS THERE A CHANCE WE COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN?

WE COULD GO TO MY HOUSE.

GREAT. YEAH. YEAH!

WHO'S THAT?

OH, THIS IS DINA.

SHE'S THE ONE THAT GOT US SICK.

AAH! DESTROY THE INCUBATOR!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE. I COULD STAY HERE ALL NIGHT.

NOT WITH ME. I'M LEAVING.

VERY WELL.

BAND PLAYS BRAZIL]

WAIT. LISTEN.

IT'S 4/4 TIME WITH A HALF-BEAT HESITATION.

WE HAVE TO DANCE.

NO, WE DON'T.

YO QUIERO BAILAR CONTIGO.

PORQUé TUS OJOS SON EL SOL DE Mí CORAZóN.

WHAT?

ALLOW ME TO TRANSLATE USING THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE--

A DANCE!

HYAH!

HYAH!

HYAH!

AH! YA YA YA YA!

OH, GOD...

WE'RE GOOD.

OH, MY GOD!

MY GOD, YOU'RE BURNING UP.

RIGHT. I'M BURNING UP FOR YOU, BABY.

YOU'RE GOING HOME TO BED.

ALL RIGHT!

WE'RE HAVING SEX TONIGHT!

AH!

AHH!

OH, WHAT A LOVELY PLACE YOU HAVE.

LIE DOWN.

OH, NOT THERE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE SICK?

DR. ALBRIGHT, I'M...

I'M SICK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS WHAT YOU DID WAS?

NO, BECAUSE I THINK I'M DYING.

OH, SHUSH.

NO. LET ME TALK.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT,

SO LISTEN CLOSELY.

IF YOU WAKE UP TOMORROW

AND FIND A QUIVERING PURPLE MASS WEARING MY WATCH,

DON'T TOUCH IT.

I WON'T.

DID YOU DRINK THIS ENTIRE BOTTLE?

I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.

YOU HAVE TO LIE DOWN.

I COME FROM A DIFFERENT WORLD.

AND THIS IS NEWS?

NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M AN ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

I'M TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE..

OHH!

I LOVE YOU.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

SO MUCH TROUBLE...

BUT YOU ARE SWEET.

I KNOW.

GOOD MORNING, NINA!

YOU'LL BE GLAD TO KNOW I'M FEELING MUCH BETTER!

[STUFFILY] I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'M GOING HOME.

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M SICK, THAT'S WHY.

REALLY? WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

YOU'RE GETTING SICK JUST AS I'M GETTING BETTER!

[COUGHING]

HAVE A NICE DAY.

DR. SOLOMON, I SEE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER.

YES. MUCH.

THANKS FOR COMING TO THE WEDDING.

I KNOW YOU WERE SICK.

IT MEANT A LOT.

IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

HA HA HA.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE MORE TEETH THAN USUAL.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING YOU SAID?

DID I SAY ANYTHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE?

ACTUALLY, YOU SAID A LOT OF THINGS.

COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?

LET'S JUST SAY YOU WERE VERY REVEALING.

I WAS DELIRIOUS.

I WAS RAMBLING.

WHAT DID I SAY?

YOU SAID...

"I LOVE YOU."

ISN'T THAT SILLY?

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

EH-HEH.

THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

I WASN'T SURE WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT.

WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE,

I TOLD DR. ALBRIGHT THAT I LOVED HER. WHY?

WHEN YOU FACE DEATH,

YOU REASSESS YOUR PRIORITIES.

I'VE DECIDED NOT TO GET THOSE BREAST IMPLANTS.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE THESE HUMANS.

THEIR LIVES ARE SO FRAGILE,

YET THEY'RE SO WILLING

TO COMMIT THEIR HEARTS TO ONE ANOTHER FOR A LIFETIME.

OR AN AFTERNOON

WITH SOME PETRI DISH IN A MINISKIRT.

HEY, AT LEAST I'M GETTING SOME HERE,

ALL RIGHT?

WELL SAID.