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1
00:00:35,163 --> 00:00:36,202
All right, Pissface?
2
00:00:36,242 --> 00:00:38,002
All right, Pusface.
What's going on?
3
00:00:39,961 --> 00:00:41,800
Um, hey, Dad.
4
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,559
Yes.
5
00:00:44,559 --> 00:00:46,958
And, the reason you're
dressed as an astronaut?
6
00:00:46,998 --> 00:00:48,237
What? You mean this coat?
7
00:00:48,277 --> 00:00:50,556
Which you're wearing
on your next mission to Jupiter?
8
00:00:50,596 --> 00:00:51,795
Clever.
9
00:00:51,835 --> 00:00:53,835
Dad, why are you looking
at a tree?
10
00:00:53,875 --> 00:00:56,034
What?
Why are you looking at a tree?
11
00:00:56,074 --> 00:00:58,553
I'm not looking at a tree,
I'm looking at a bag.
12
00:00:58,593 --> 00:00:59,712
Huh?
13
00:00:59,752 --> 00:01:01,511
See that plastic bag up there?
14
00:01:01,551 --> 00:01:03,350
Dad wants to get it down.
15
00:01:03,390 --> 00:01:04,430
Really? Why?
16
00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:06,629
Cos it's an eyesore.
And cos he's an idiot.
17
00:01:06,669 --> 00:01:07,908
But it's not even our tree.
18
00:01:07,948 --> 00:01:09,508
It's not even outside our house.
19
00:01:09,548 --> 00:01:11,267
What I said.
That's not the point.
20
00:01:11,307 --> 00:01:12,626
It's in our sodding road...
21
00:01:12,666 --> 00:01:14,346
BOTH: And you can see it for miles.
22
00:01:14,386 --> 00:01:15,505
Miles?
23
00:01:15,545 --> 00:01:16,904
BOTH: Yes, miles!
24
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,224
Stupid runt.
25
00:01:18,264 --> 00:01:19,583
Hi, boys.
26
00:01:19,623 --> 00:01:20,623
Hi, Mum.
27
00:01:21,902 --> 00:01:25,061
Martin,
please leave the tree alone now.
28
00:01:25,101 --> 00:01:27,220
It's not the tree, Jackie,
it's the bag.
29
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:29,259
Yes, all right, the bag.
30
00:01:29,299 --> 00:01:31,498
Just come in, will you?
What are you wearing?
31
00:01:31,538 --> 00:01:33,377
Pillock's clothes.
Nice.
32
00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:34,737
Jonny's just joined NASA, so...
33
00:01:34,777 --> 00:01:35,816
Pusface.
34
00:01:35,856 --> 00:01:38,055
Well, are you coming or what?
35
00:01:38,095 --> 00:01:39,255
Stick.
36
00:01:39,295 --> 00:01:40,614
The stick, again?
37
00:01:40,654 --> 00:01:41,934
It doesn't even reach.
38
00:01:41,974 --> 00:01:43,373
Urgh!
39
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:45,772
Ready for this?
40
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:53,409
Yes, well, when you've grown another
ten metres, Martin, do let us know.
41
00:01:53,448 --> 00:01:54,608
Come on, boys.
42
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,807
Bleeding thing.
43
00:01:57,447 --> 00:01:59,206
He's obsessed with that grotty bag.
44
00:01:59,246 --> 00:02:00,445
Is he really?
45
00:02:00,485 --> 00:02:03,084
Don't worry, Jonny will get it down.
Will I?
46
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,323
Your coat doubles as a jetpack,
doesn't it?
47
00:02:05,363 --> 00:02:06,763
Ha funny ha.
48
00:02:06,803 --> 00:02:08,162
What is it even made of?
49
00:02:08,202 --> 00:02:09,322
Mum!
50
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:13,200
It looks like the stuff
I wrap the chicken in
before I bung it in the oven. Mum!
51
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,839
Martin?!
52
00:02:14,879 --> 00:02:16,039
Ah.
53
00:02:16,079 --> 00:02:18,957
Oh, maybe he can go
and live in that tree.
54
00:02:18,997 --> 00:02:20,357
Ooh, Mum.
55
00:02:20,397 --> 00:02:21,476
Hmmm?
56
00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:23,155
Guess what I've got.
57
00:02:23,195 --> 00:02:24,195
What is it?
58
00:02:24,235 --> 00:02:26,034
Oh, yeah, I saw it.
59
00:02:26,074 --> 00:02:27,274
You saw it?
60
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:28,473
What is it?
61
00:02:28,513 --> 00:02:30,032
You never told me you saw it.
62
00:02:30,072 --> 00:02:31,432
What is it, you dick?
63
00:02:31,472 --> 00:02:33,711
It's an interview thing
I did for the local magazine.
64
00:02:33,751 --> 00:02:35,030
Interview thing?
65
00:02:35,070 --> 00:02:36,230
About his music.
66
00:02:36,270 --> 00:02:37,909
Did you like it?
67
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,868
Why would anyone interview Pusface
about his awful, awful music?
68
00:02:40,908 --> 00:02:41,987
Thank you.
69
00:02:42,027 --> 00:02:44,186
Oh, my God, it's Pusface!
70
00:02:44,226 --> 00:02:45,306
Mum, look at Pusface!
71
00:02:45,346 --> 00:02:47,105
Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you.
72
00:02:47,145 --> 00:02:49,024
Um, what's wrong?
73
00:02:49,064 --> 00:02:50,424
Nothing's wrong.
74
00:02:50,464 --> 00:02:51,743
Something's wrong.
75
00:02:51,783 --> 00:02:53,782
Oh, this is gold!
76
00:02:53,822 --> 00:02:56,381
"Local lad and composer,
Adam Goodman..."
77
00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:58,420
Composer? You mean,
crap jingle writer.
78
00:02:58,460 --> 00:02:59,580
Thank you, again.
79
00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:01,499
"..has been sprinkling
his musical magic..."
80
00:03:01,539 --> 00:03:02,538
What?
81
00:03:02,578 --> 00:03:05,937
"..on some of the country's
best-known radio commercials
for the past ten years."
82
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:08,855
Ah, yes, like "Lax-a-Leave
for healthy bowels."
83
00:03:08,895 --> 00:03:09,895
Jonny.
84
00:03:09,935 --> 00:03:11,494
I thought you'd be excited.
85
00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:12,694
I am excited.
86
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,613
You don't seem excited. Don't I?
87
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,652
Pissing stick doesn't reach.
88
00:03:16,692 --> 00:03:18,691
Martin! You nearly gave me
a heart attack.
89
00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:20,131
Ooh, only nearly?
90
00:03:20,171 --> 00:03:21,370
Right.
91
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,969
Oh, Jackie!
92
00:03:23,009 --> 00:03:24,848
Mum! Bye-bye, stick.
93
00:03:24,888 --> 00:03:27,127
Here's a good one -
"How do you relax?"
94
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:28,567
Yes, OK.
95
00:03:28,607 --> 00:03:30,126
And Pusface says, "Headphones on,
96
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:31,166
"chilled-out tracks,
97
00:03:31,206 --> 00:03:32,605
"and just vibe."
98
00:03:32,645 --> 00:03:33,845
Just give it!
99
00:03:33,885 --> 00:03:35,204
Dad, have you seen this?
100
00:03:35,244 --> 00:03:36,363
What? Oh, yeah.
101
00:03:36,403 --> 00:03:38,003
His mother's seen it too.
102
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,402
Sorry?
103
00:03:39,442 --> 00:03:41,241
Oh, for Christ's sake.
104
00:03:41,281 --> 00:03:42,601
What the hell's wrong?!
105
00:03:46,879 --> 00:03:49,518
"What is your earliest
musical memory?"
106
00:03:50,837 --> 00:03:51,837
Um...
107
00:03:51,877 --> 00:03:53,116
Yes?
108
00:03:53,156 --> 00:03:55,275
"Going to see Oliver The Musical
109
00:03:55,315 --> 00:03:57,834
"with my Auntie Val when I was six."
110
00:03:59,074 --> 00:04:00,233
And?
111
00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,592
I took you to see Cats
112
00:04:02,632 --> 00:04:04,831
when you were five!
113
00:04:06,150 --> 00:04:08,469
Oh, my God!
114
00:04:09,509 --> 00:04:11,308
Please say you're not being serious.
115
00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:13,147
No mention of your mother anywhere.
116
00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:15,106
You are being serious.
I can't believe it.
117
00:04:15,146 --> 00:04:17,465
You mention your father. Oh, yes.
"My dad's so funny."
118
00:04:17,505 --> 00:04:19,225
Incredible.
You mention your brother.
119
00:04:19,265 --> 00:04:21,384
"My brother's hilarious."
He really is.
120
00:04:21,424 --> 00:04:22,783
You mention... Auntie Val?
121
00:04:22,823 --> 00:04:24,862
Oh, yes, you even mention
Auntie Val,
122
00:04:24,902 --> 00:04:27,301
but you can't mention
your own mother.
123
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:30,660
And this is happening in real life,
is it?
124
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,419
How could you not mention
your own mother
125
00:04:32,459 --> 00:04:34,138
in a professional magazine
interview?
126
00:04:34,178 --> 00:04:36,177
Uh! Dad, can you believe this?!
127
00:04:36,217 --> 00:04:38,936
Well, maybe you could have said
something nice about your mum,
128
00:04:38,976 --> 00:04:40,415
even if it was a lie.
129
00:04:40,455 --> 00:04:42,295
Er, I heard that, thank you.
130
00:04:42,335 --> 00:04:43,654
Right!
131
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:48,372
I'm so sorry I didn't talk
all about you in my interview,
132
00:04:48,412 --> 00:04:51,131
but strangely enough it wasn't
about "Adam Goodman's mother".
133
00:04:51,171 --> 00:04:53,170
Well, you could have said something,
anything.
134
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,489
Oh, yeah? Like what?
135
00:04:54,529 --> 00:04:56,209
Like, OK...
136
00:04:56,248 --> 00:04:57,848
"I love my mother."
137
00:04:57,888 --> 00:04:59,287
I love my mother?
138
00:04:59,327 --> 00:05:01,966
Yes, "I love my mother."
What's so funny about that?
139
00:05:02,006 --> 00:05:03,885
Don't you love your mother?
Oh, just shut up!
140
00:05:03,925 --> 00:05:05,325
Well, say it then.
141
00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:09,163
What? Now? Well, if you're not going
to say it in your interview,
why can't you say it now?
142
00:05:09,203 --> 00:05:10,442
Er, because this is insanity.
143
00:05:10,482 --> 00:05:11,642
Insanity?
144
00:05:11,682 --> 00:05:13,041
Er, Mum? What, Jonny?
145
00:05:13,081 --> 00:05:14,161
I love you.
146
00:05:14,201 --> 00:05:16,680
See, your brother can say
"I love you."
147
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,839
Your father can say, "I love you."
148
00:05:18,879 --> 00:05:21,517
Hmmm? Martin, can you say
"I love you" please? Oh, I love you.
149
00:05:21,557 --> 00:05:22,797
See?
150
00:05:22,837 --> 00:05:25,356
But not as much as I love
this yucky stuff.
151
00:05:25,396 --> 00:05:28,674
Right, clearly
I mean that much to you.
152
00:05:28,714 --> 00:05:30,434
Yes, clearly.
153
00:05:30,474 --> 00:05:32,992
Can you believe him, Mum?
Shut up!
154
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:34,992
Well, if that's how you feel,
I don't know why
155
00:05:35,032 --> 00:05:38,990
you bothered to come here tonight.
You know what? Neither do I!
156
00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:40,349
Unbelievable!
157
00:05:41,948 --> 00:05:43,388
Good!
158
00:05:43,428 --> 00:05:45,467
Uh... Mmm!
159
00:05:45,507 --> 00:05:47,306
I didn't know Adam liked prawns.
160
00:05:50,585 --> 00:05:52,264
Unbelievable...
161
00:05:52,304 --> 00:05:53,503
Unbelievable!
162
00:05:54,743 --> 00:05:56,582
Ugh!
163
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:59,341
Just vibing, are you? Ha, funny, ha.
164
00:05:59,381 --> 00:06:00,460
JONNY LAUGHS
165
00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:03,859
What do you want? Nothing.
166
00:06:03,899 --> 00:06:05,858
Just came to say I love you.
Very good.
167
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,416
Getting ready for lift-off?
Also very good.
168
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:11,775
I mean, I literally have no memory
of Cats.
169
00:06:11,815 --> 00:06:14,654
Look, why don't you just go back in,
tell Mum you love her
170
00:06:14,694 --> 00:06:17,853
and be done with it? No way!
Why can't she just be happy for me?
171
00:06:17,893 --> 00:06:19,932
When's she ever been
in a bloody magazine?
172
00:06:19,972 --> 00:06:21,851
Ah, yes, the bloody magazine.
173
00:06:23,090 --> 00:06:24,770
"From where do you
get your inspiration?"
174
00:06:24,810 --> 00:06:25,849
Fantastic, it's online.
175
00:06:25,889 --> 00:06:29,008
"Anything can inspire me,
from the smell of rain on tarmac..."
176
00:06:29,048 --> 00:06:31,127
What? So, you sniff puddles?
Jonny...
177
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,006
"..to watching the children
playing outside my bedroom window."
178
00:06:34,046 --> 00:06:36,285
That does not sound great.
Pissface!
179
00:06:37,884 --> 00:06:40,403
Hello, boys.
Ugh, what does he want?
180
00:06:41,482 --> 00:06:44,521
You all right, Jim? Yes, fine, fine.
181
00:06:44,561 --> 00:06:46,480
DOG WHINES
182
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,439
Um... Can we help you?
183
00:06:48,479 --> 00:06:50,039
What? Oh, yes.
184
00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:51,478
Come on, Milson.
185
00:06:52,558 --> 00:06:53,837
Hmmm!
186
00:06:57,036 --> 00:06:58,075
Good girl, Milson.
187
00:06:59,275 --> 00:07:01,434
Great. Car ruined.
188
00:07:01,474 --> 00:07:03,593
Is-Is your mother in?
189
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,552
What? In the car? Yes.
190
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,470
Um, she's not in the car
at the moment, Jim.
191
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,309
She's actually in the house.
192
00:07:11,349 --> 00:07:14,148
Oh, of course, yes, in the house.
193
00:07:14,188 --> 00:07:16,507
Well, don't worry,
I can ask her later.
194
00:07:16,547 --> 00:07:17,587
You do that.
195
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,105
So...?
196
00:07:22,145 --> 00:07:24,544
Where are we going again?
197
00:07:24,584 --> 00:07:26,143
I'm sorry?
198
00:07:26,183 --> 00:07:28,702
I've forgotten where we're
supposed to be going.
199
00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:30,581
We're not going anywhere, Jim.
Aren't we?
200
00:07:30,621 --> 00:07:32,940
Then why are we in the car?
201
00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:34,379
Get out immediately? Yep.
202
00:07:39,257 --> 00:07:41,736
Um, are you getting out, Jim, or...?
203
00:07:41,776 --> 00:07:43,415
Yes, soon.
204
00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:45,255
Soon? Soon.
205
00:07:46,294 --> 00:07:47,294
Fabulous.
206
00:07:48,853 --> 00:07:49,892
Come on, then.
207
00:07:49,932 --> 00:07:53,051
Good boy, just say "I love you"
and... I'm not saying that!
208
00:07:53,091 --> 00:07:54,490
JONNY CHUCKLES
209
00:07:55,770 --> 00:07:57,209
Hi, Bobble.
210
00:07:58,369 --> 00:07:59,448
Hi.
211
00:07:59,488 --> 00:08:00,928
Um, I just want to say...
212
00:08:00,968 --> 00:08:03,047
Oh, Jonny, please take that
bloody space-suit off.
213
00:08:03,087 --> 00:08:04,166
Ugh!
214
00:08:05,206 --> 00:08:07,725
I'm sorry about before, Adam.
I went a bit mad.
215
00:08:07,765 --> 00:08:08,764
A bit mad?
216
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:12,203
It's a lovely interview, really.
217
00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:13,602
Can we be friends?
218
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:17,121
And you're not going to
make me say... Of course not.
219
00:08:17,161 --> 00:08:19,839
And anyway, I don't need you to say
"I love you"
220
00:08:19,879 --> 00:08:21,519
because I know you love me.
221
00:08:23,278 --> 00:08:25,477
I know you love your mother.
222
00:08:27,156 --> 00:08:28,156
Your mum.
223
00:08:30,355 --> 00:08:31,594
Your mummy.
224
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:33,873
I'm not saying it! Bloody hell.
225
00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:35,872
Right...
226
00:08:35,912 --> 00:08:37,552
Martin, it's dinner now.
227
00:08:37,592 --> 00:08:39,351
Just leave the sodding bag!
228
00:08:39,391 --> 00:08:42,749
Jackie, that sodding bag is about
to become sodding history
229
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:45,268
thanks to this beauty. What,
the ladder that falls apart
230
00:08:45,308 --> 00:08:46,348
the second you open it?
231
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:50,346
Shit. Half a second, actually.
232
00:08:50,386 --> 00:08:51,985
Inside.
233
00:08:52,025 --> 00:08:53,705
Hello, Jackie.
234
00:08:53,745 --> 00:08:54,824
Hi, Jim.
235
00:08:54,864 --> 00:08:56,303
Everything OK?
236
00:08:56,343 --> 00:08:59,982
Yes, Jackie. Um, I just wanted to
ask you a question.
237
00:09:00,022 --> 00:09:02,980
Yes? Did you know that there's...
238
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:05,619
..there's a bag in that tree?
239
00:09:09,178 --> 00:09:11,697
There's got to be some way
of getting that bugger down.
240
00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:13,696
Martin, please come away
from that window
241
00:09:13,736 --> 00:09:15,535
or do you want me to put
your face through it?
242
00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:17,294
God knows how it ended up there.
243
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,893
Right, I'm going to
cut my head off in the kitchen.
244
00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:22,372
Yeah, it's a real mystery.
245
00:09:22,412 --> 00:09:25,571
Yes, how did a plastic bag
end up in a tree? Ooh.
246
00:09:25,611 --> 00:09:27,490
I don't know. Maybe the wind?
247
00:09:27,530 --> 00:09:29,529
Perhaps a bird took it up there.
248
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,648
Or the wind? Like a gull or
something. Or just the wind?
249
00:09:32,687 --> 00:09:35,566
Could have been children, you know,
mucking about. Kids.
250
00:09:35,606 --> 00:09:37,365
Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is.
251
00:09:37,405 --> 00:09:39,524
Really? He should do,
he lets off enough of the stuff.
252
00:09:39,564 --> 00:09:40,564
SHE CACKLES
253
00:09:40,604 --> 00:09:41,604
Ugh, Mum!
254
00:09:41,644 --> 00:09:45,002
If I could just get up there
somehow. Table, please.
255
00:09:46,362 --> 00:09:47,681
Ooh, that's an idea.
256
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,040
Table!
257
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,479
Jackie, I suddenly need to go to
the...toilet.
258
00:09:52,519 --> 00:09:55,158
Well, that's not suspicious. You
suddenly need to go to the toilet
259
00:09:55,198 --> 00:09:57,717
or you suddenly need to go outside
to play with your stupid bag?
260
00:09:57,757 --> 00:10:00,036
Um, toilet. For my...wees.
261
00:10:00,076 --> 00:10:01,475
Bag! Absolutely bag.
262
00:10:01,515 --> 00:10:02,674
Just sit.
263
00:10:02,714 --> 00:10:03,914
MARTIN SIGHS
264
00:10:03,954 --> 00:10:05,873
Ooh, I nearly forgot -
265
00:10:05,913 --> 00:10:08,712
to Adam, for his amazing interview.
266
00:10:08,752 --> 00:10:10,391
Aww, thanks, Mum. Yes.
267
00:10:10,431 --> 00:10:13,789
It was amazing, wasn't it?
"What's your favourite smell?"
268
00:10:13,829 --> 00:10:15,069
Yes, OK.
269
00:10:15,109 --> 00:10:17,108
Answer - "My girlfriend's hair."
270
00:10:17,148 --> 00:10:19,267
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a murderer?
271
00:10:19,307 --> 00:10:21,826
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a dickhead? Boys.
272
00:10:21,866 --> 00:10:23,985
Oh, don't know, let's find out.
273
00:10:24,025 --> 00:10:26,184
Jackie, my wees! Martin, shut up.
274
00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:30,382
Jonny, put your phone away will you,
please?
275
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,022
Hey, Luce. Jonny!
276
00:10:32,062 --> 00:10:35,860
Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to
say I love you, that's all.
277
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:38,739
See ya, babe. You shit.
JONNY CACKLES
278
00:10:38,779 --> 00:10:42,137
So, do you remember
when I took you to see Cats then?
279
00:10:42,177 --> 00:10:44,816
What? Oh, um, not really.
280
00:10:44,856 --> 00:10:47,295
What do you mean, "Not really"?
It was Cats!
281
00:10:47,335 --> 00:10:49,294
Yeah, Adam, it was Cats. Please.
282
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:52,013
What was Cats about again? Horses.
283
00:10:52,053 --> 00:10:53,812
How can you not remember?
284
00:10:53,852 --> 00:10:55,331
Uh, cos I was six.
285
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:57,131
Uh, no, Adam, you were five.
286
00:10:57,171 --> 00:11:00,009
All right, five! Yeah, cos you were
six when you saw Oliver
287
00:11:00,049 --> 00:11:02,328
with Auntie Val, which you do
remember... Pissface.
288
00:11:02,368 --> 00:11:05,167
..but five when you saw Cats
with Mum, which you don't remember.
289
00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:06,366
Exactly.
290
00:11:06,406 --> 00:11:07,646
Urgh!
291
00:11:07,686 --> 00:11:09,165
You shit. I thank you.
292
00:11:09,205 --> 00:11:11,324
I need wees. I'm doing wees.
293
00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:15,163
I can't believe you remember seeing
a show with Auntie Val,
294
00:11:15,203 --> 00:11:16,682
but not one with your own mother.
295
00:11:16,722 --> 00:11:19,161
Well, that was because I love
Auntie Val and I don't love you.
296
00:11:19,201 --> 00:11:21,080
Happy now? Horrible.
297
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,439
So horrible!
298
00:11:22,479 --> 00:11:24,599
You're not jealous of Auntie Val,
are you? What?
299
00:11:24,638 --> 00:11:26,997
Course I'm not jealous of
Auntie Val.
300
00:11:27,037 --> 00:11:28,917
Yes, you are. Rubbish!
301
00:11:28,957 --> 00:11:31,076
Why would I be jealous of
Auntie Val?
302
00:11:35,114 --> 00:11:37,073
You know, it's just three words.
303
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,072
Three little words.
304
00:11:39,112 --> 00:11:42,071
I told you, I'm not saying it.
Saying what? I love...
305
00:11:42,111 --> 00:11:43,590
HE GROANS
306
00:11:43,630 --> 00:11:44,990
Very clever.
307
00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:46,149
PHONE RINGS
308
00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:49,028
And yes, well done, that's Lucy now,
calling you back to say,
309
00:11:49,068 --> 00:11:52,106
"I love you." Very good. You win.
It's not Lucy, it's Dad.
310
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:53,586
Dad? Dad?
311
00:11:54,625 --> 00:11:55,905
You what?
312
00:11:55,945 --> 00:11:56,944
What?
313
00:11:58,304 --> 00:11:59,983
He wasn't doing wees.
314
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:04,261
MARTIN GROANS
315
00:12:04,301 --> 00:12:07,820
Well, well, congratulations, Martin.
316
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,539
Ow, my bleeding back!
317
00:12:09,579 --> 00:12:13,417
Let me guess, you tried to make
a ladder by putting one dustbin
318
00:12:13,457 --> 00:12:16,736
on top of another dustbin,
then climbed up the dustbins
319
00:12:16,776 --> 00:12:18,615
and fell off the dustbins?
320
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,134
Oh, shut up!
321
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:21,614
And here's your dinner.
322
00:12:21,654 --> 00:12:23,053
J... Oh, Jackie!
323
00:12:23,093 --> 00:12:25,492
And just so you know, I do not want
another word out of you
324
00:12:25,532 --> 00:12:27,571
about that bloody bag,
do you hear me?
325
00:12:27,611 --> 00:12:29,930
Yeah, uh, I think so, but I think
there might be some...
326
00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:31,729
..pie in my ear?
327
00:12:31,769 --> 00:12:33,368
Ugh. Come on, boys.
328
00:12:33,408 --> 00:12:34,568
CAR HORN HONKS
329
00:12:35,847 --> 00:12:39,166
Oh, look, it's Auntie Val.
330
00:12:39,206 --> 00:12:41,805
Woohoo, fame at last!
331
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,923
Auntie Val's a celebrity. Auntie!
332
00:12:44,963 --> 00:12:48,282
Aww, my little Adam! Aww.
333
00:12:49,641 --> 00:12:51,201
You remembered Oliver.
334
00:12:51,241 --> 00:12:54,799
Of course I remembered Oliver.
335
00:12:54,839 --> 00:12:57,158
Oh, God, what's happened to Martin?
336
00:12:57,198 --> 00:12:59,557
Pie is in my ear. Huh?
337
00:12:59,597 --> 00:13:01,076
Ignore him, Val.
338
00:13:01,116 --> 00:13:02,116
Come inside.
339
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:06,474
Well, good work, Dad.
Yes, sheer perfection.
340
00:13:06,514 --> 00:13:07,953
Gits.
341
00:13:07,993 --> 00:13:09,752
THEY LAUGH
342
00:13:09,792 --> 00:13:11,432
Ooh, look. What?
343
00:13:11,472 --> 00:13:14,151
There's a plastic bag in that tree.
JACKIE SIGHS
344
00:13:20,108 --> 00:13:21,867
Ah, my bloody back.
345
00:13:21,907 --> 00:13:23,387
God, I wish I didn't have a body.
346
00:13:23,426 --> 00:13:24,986
Er, I'm sure it can be arranged.
347
00:13:25,026 --> 00:13:26,385
I can arrange it.
348
00:13:26,425 --> 00:13:27,825
Argh.
349
00:13:27,865 --> 00:13:29,424
So sorry.
350
00:13:29,464 --> 00:13:30,823
Yes, so sorry.
351
00:13:30,863 --> 00:13:32,503
Right! Wine.
352
00:13:32,543 --> 00:13:35,021
See you, then. Die well.
Wait, you prannies.
353
00:13:36,101 --> 00:13:38,220
Now, listen.
354
00:13:38,260 --> 00:13:40,659
In my shed is a rake.
355
00:13:40,699 --> 00:13:42,498
If you attached
the rake to the broom,
356
00:13:42,538 --> 00:13:44,297
then that should be
long enough to...
357
00:13:44,337 --> 00:13:46,616
Repeatedly whack
you in the face with it? Idiot.
358
00:13:46,656 --> 00:13:48,775
No, we can fashion a device,
get the bag down.
359
00:13:48,815 --> 00:13:50,575
"Fashion a device"?
360
00:13:50,615 --> 00:13:53,493
Dad, we don't care about
your stupid bag.
361
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,653
Yeah! It's a BAG!
362
00:13:54,693 --> 00:13:56,012
I know it's a bag,
363
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:57,971
but it's in a TREE!
364
00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:01,410
It's a bag in a tree.
365
00:14:01,450 --> 00:14:03,129
Very heavy sedation?
366
00:14:03,169 --> 00:14:04,728
Boys, just leave him, will you?
367
00:14:04,768 --> 00:14:06,768
Goodbye... Forever!
368
00:14:06,808 --> 00:14:09,926
Oh. We mustn't forget to
turn off the lights. Jackie?
369
00:14:09,966 --> 00:14:11,246
Night, night, Martin.
370
00:14:11,286 --> 00:14:12,645
But, Jackie...
371
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,724
JACKIE?
372
00:14:13,764 --> 00:14:15,684
Shame we can't turn off his oxygen.
373
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,762
Boys, is your mum all right
tonight?
374
00:14:18,802 --> 00:14:20,482
Oh, she's fine, isn't she, Jonny?
375
00:14:20,522 --> 00:14:23,240
Oh, fine.
376
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,359
Sorry again, love,
for dropping round like this.
377
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,998
It's just, it's not every day you
see your own name in print.
378
00:14:29,038 --> 00:14:30,957
Er, no, it's not.
379
00:14:30,997 --> 00:14:32,596
I got such a shock.
380
00:14:32,636 --> 00:14:35,355
But a nice shock.
Oh, I love him!
381
00:14:35,395 --> 00:14:36,794
I love him!
382
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:40,593
And I love you too, Auntie.
I really do. Aww.
383
00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:42,872
And I was just telling your mum
how proud
384
00:14:42,912 --> 00:14:44,871
she must be to see you in that
magazine.
385
00:14:44,911 --> 00:14:46,990
Oh, she's very proud.
Immensely proud.
386
00:14:47,030 --> 00:14:50,468
And I think it's amazing you
remembered seeing "Oliver"
387
00:14:50,508 --> 00:14:52,787
with me, all those years ago, Adam.
388
00:14:52,827 --> 00:14:54,507
Yes, that is amazing, isn't it?
389
00:14:54,547 --> 00:14:56,306
You were only six.
390
00:14:56,346 --> 00:14:57,585
Only six.
391
00:14:57,625 --> 00:14:59,424
Although, come to think of it,
392
00:14:59,464 --> 00:15:02,623
didn't your mum take you
to see "Cats" when you were five?
393
00:15:02,663 --> 00:15:04,262
Well, Adam?
394
00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:07,421
Do you know?
I really can't remember.
395
00:15:07,461 --> 00:15:09,180
Oh, my God! Must dash.
396
00:15:09,220 --> 00:15:10,780
Love you, Auntie. Goodbye.
397
00:15:13,258 --> 00:15:14,858
OK. How insane is mum tonight?
398
00:15:14,898 --> 00:15:16,697
Oh, definitely new world record.
399
00:15:16,737 --> 00:15:18,936
Check he's still breathing? Go on.
400
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:22,534
Dad?
401
00:15:24,294 --> 00:15:28,092
Of course. The rake.
402
00:15:31,810 --> 00:15:34,649
And there she is. Yup.
403
00:15:34,689 --> 00:15:37,168
Oi. Ready? Argh.
404
00:15:37,208 --> 00:15:38,447
SMASHING AND CLATTERING
405
00:15:39,927 --> 00:15:42,326
All right, Dad? Hello?
406
00:15:42,366 --> 00:15:44,885
Little turds!
What are you doing on the floor?
407
00:15:44,925 --> 00:15:47,403
Yes, why are you on the floor,
Father?
408
00:15:47,443 --> 00:15:50,122
Well, help me up, then, will you?
Certainly.
409
00:15:50,162 --> 00:15:53,161
THEY HEAVE
And here we go.
410
00:15:53,201 --> 00:15:54,440
MARTIN GROANS
411
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:55,640
THUMPING
412
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:56,919
Buggers.
413
00:15:56,959 --> 00:15:59,518
I thought you couldn't walk? What?
I thought you couldn't walk?
414
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:00,918
I can't walk. Well, how did you get
415
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,757
all the way from the living room
to the shed?
416
00:16:02,797 --> 00:16:04,116
I crawled. BOTH: Crawled?!
417
00:16:04,156 --> 00:16:05,156
Yeah.
418
00:16:06,275 --> 00:16:09,314
Now, look, I've made
the rake-broom device thingy.
419
00:16:09,354 --> 00:16:11,113
The "rake-broom device thingy".
420
00:16:11,153 --> 00:16:12,832
Yeah, we'll take it round the front
421
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,312
and get the bag out the tree.
422
00:16:14,352 --> 00:16:15,951
Er, no, we won't. No, sir. Oh, God.
423
00:16:15,991 --> 00:16:18,230
Why won't anyone bleeding help me
tonight?
424
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:20,989
Cos it's an effing
bag in an effing tree.
425
00:16:21,029 --> 00:16:22,668
And it's an effing eyesore.
426
00:16:22,708 --> 00:16:24,947
Wait! Maybe we could
help him a little.
427
00:16:24,987 --> 00:16:26,786
Really? Thank you!
428
00:16:26,826 --> 00:16:30,345
That way we'll get to see
him, you know.... What?
429
00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:32,424
Crawl?
430
00:16:34,063 --> 00:16:35,822
That's it, keep going.
431
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,222
Get off!
432
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:38,821
Faster! Faster!
433
00:16:38,861 --> 00:16:40,460
Stop it, you shits.
434
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,778
Oh, crap, I've just
put my hand in that bloody pie.
435
00:16:44,818 --> 00:16:47,177
OK, then, here we go.
436
00:16:47,217 --> 00:16:49,976
Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you.
437
00:16:50,016 --> 00:16:51,935
You're doing it?
You can't even stand up.
438
00:16:51,975 --> 00:16:53,654
I'm doing it, all right?
439
00:16:53,694 --> 00:16:55,334
It's my bag to get.
440
00:16:55,374 --> 00:16:57,573
It's mine. All right.
441
00:16:57,613 --> 00:17:00,052
HE GROANS
442
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:04,330
HE GRUNTS
443
00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:06,129
Behold!
444
00:17:06,169 --> 00:17:07,728
Our Lord has risen.
445
00:17:07,768 --> 00:17:10,767
You cretin. Careful!
446
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:16,085
You think you can get away
from me, do you?
447
00:17:16,125 --> 00:17:18,364
He said, to a plastic bag!
448
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,763
Easy does it.
449
00:17:20,803 --> 00:17:22,722
Easy does it. Eh?
450
00:17:24,321 --> 00:17:27,560
You didn't reckon with me, did you?
451
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,519
Argh. The pie!
452
00:17:29,559 --> 00:17:31,198
METAL CLANGS
Oh, no.
453
00:17:31,238 --> 00:17:32,837
GLASS SMASHES
454
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:34,677
Ah! Shit on it! Oh, my God.
455
00:17:34,717 --> 00:17:36,236
Look at my car!
456
00:17:36,276 --> 00:17:38,355
Look at my car!
457
00:17:38,395 --> 00:17:39,874
Jonny, you dick.
458
00:17:39,914 --> 00:17:42,193
Sorry, but that is classic.
You bloody idiot.
459
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:43,833
Look what you've done.
460
00:17:43,873 --> 00:17:46,231
Um, oops? Oops? Oops?
461
00:17:46,271 --> 00:17:47,391
What is going on?
462
00:17:47,431 --> 00:17:48,550
Look what he's done.
463
00:17:48,590 --> 00:17:50,510
My whole window, smashed to pieces.
464
00:17:50,550 --> 00:17:51,709
Is that a rake?
465
00:17:51,749 --> 00:17:54,068
Um, a "rake-broom device thingy."
466
00:17:54,108 --> 00:17:56,907
Huh? I didn't mean to, Jackie.
It was the pie.
467
00:17:56,947 --> 00:17:59,106
Can you believe him? Look at my car!
468
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,745
Look at it! Right.
469
00:18:00,785 --> 00:18:03,184
You, Martin,
are staying outside all night.
470
00:18:03,224 --> 00:18:05,063
Outside? With no crumble.
471
00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:06,183
No crumble?!
472
00:18:06,223 --> 00:18:08,062
And you, Adam.
473
00:18:08,102 --> 00:18:10,221
Well, it serves you right.
474
00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:13,500
Sorry? Yeah, I've been talking
to your mum,
475
00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:15,819
and it DOES serve you right.
476
00:18:15,859 --> 00:18:17,498
Oh, this is good.
477
00:18:17,538 --> 00:18:20,616
Serves me right? Serves me right?
478
00:18:20,656 --> 00:18:22,416
Ignore him, Val.
I will, Jackie.
479
00:18:22,456 --> 00:18:24,135
Don't you worry, I'll deal with it.
480
00:18:24,175 --> 00:18:26,014
Deal with what? With what?
481
00:18:26,054 --> 00:18:27,733
What?
482
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,293
You mention your father,
483
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:31,132
you mention your brother,
484
00:18:31,172 --> 00:18:33,691
you even mention me,
but do you mention your own mother?
485
00:18:33,731 --> 00:18:36,290
Oh, my God! Please let me
film this. Pissface!
486
00:18:36,330 --> 00:18:39,048
I've told you, love, he doesn't
care. He does not care!
487
00:18:39,088 --> 00:18:42,447
He really doesn't. Jonny! Pusface!
488
00:18:44,406 --> 00:18:45,965
So that's it, is it?
489
00:18:46,005 --> 00:18:47,365
I've now got two mothers?
490
00:18:47,405 --> 00:18:49,644
Two deranged, psychopath mothers?
491
00:18:49,684 --> 00:18:52,083
Hey! Do you know what's even worse?
492
00:18:52,123 --> 00:18:54,761
You can't even tell your mother
you love her.
493
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,200
Oh, my God.
Somebody shoot me right now.
494
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,959
Why can't you tell your wonderful
mother you love her?
495
00:18:59,999 --> 00:19:01,918
Jonny, please take me
away in your rocket.
496
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:03,158
Oh, shut up, Adam.
497
00:19:03,198 --> 00:19:05,717
I tell you, if my Spencer
doesn't say he loves me
498
00:19:05,757 --> 00:19:07,996
at least once a day,
you know what I do?
499
00:19:08,036 --> 00:19:10,595
Er, let me guess,
you smack his bottom?
500
00:19:10,635 --> 00:19:12,514
Yes, I smack his bottom.
501
00:19:12,554 --> 00:19:13,873
Really? Yes.
502
00:19:13,913 --> 00:19:16,032
I smack his bottom again and again
503
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,871
until he says "I love you, Mum."
Well, that's certainly normal.
504
00:19:18,911 --> 00:19:20,870
Auntie, I think
you should smack Adam's bottom.
505
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,829
Oh, I'll smack his bottom,
all right.
506
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:25,628
Ow. Get off!
507
00:19:25,668 --> 00:19:27,547
Get off. No, go on, Val.
508
00:19:27,587 --> 00:19:30,066
Yes, go on, Auntie. Say it.
509
00:19:30,106 --> 00:19:31,505
Say it, then. Say what?
510
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,025
Say you love your mother.
511
00:19:33,065 --> 00:19:34,624
Well, go on, Adam.
512
00:19:34,664 --> 00:19:37,183
Say it. Oh, my God.
513
00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:38,862
Insanity!
514
00:19:38,902 --> 00:19:40,102
Insanity!
515
00:19:40,142 --> 00:19:41,541
That's it, run away.
516
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,740
Go on.
517
00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:46,299
That was amazing.
518
00:19:46,339 --> 00:19:47,378
Oi!
519
00:19:49,458 --> 00:19:52,136
HE SNORES
520
00:19:52,176 --> 00:19:53,936
Well, this is fun.
521
00:19:55,215 --> 00:19:57,614
Hmmm? Sitting in a freezing car with
522
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,173
a bloody snoring machine.
523
00:20:00,453 --> 00:20:01,532
Terrific.
524
00:20:01,572 --> 00:20:05,451
Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two.
525
00:20:05,491 --> 00:20:08,889
Tell her you love her!
526
00:20:08,929 --> 00:20:12,967
Yes. Don't crash on the way home.
527
00:20:13,007 --> 00:20:15,806
So, what are you going to do
about your stupid bag, then?
528
00:20:15,846 --> 00:20:18,885
What? Oh, that. That's all sorted.
529
00:20:18,925 --> 00:20:21,883
Sorted? But it's still up there.
530
00:20:21,923 --> 00:20:24,642
Yeah, but don't worry,
there's a plan.
531
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:27,441
Plan? Hello, all.
532
00:20:27,481 --> 00:20:28,720
Jim.
533
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,600
Um, I was just passing,
534
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,799
and wondering how you're
535
00:20:32,839 --> 00:20:34,958
getting on with the bag in the tree.
536
00:20:34,998 --> 00:20:36,757
Um, there's a "plan", Jim.
537
00:20:36,797 --> 00:20:37,916
There's a plan.
538
00:20:37,956 --> 00:20:39,915
A plan? Come on, Milson.
539
00:20:41,395 --> 00:20:43,434
Car ruined.
540
00:20:43,474 --> 00:20:45,673
I've been racking my brain
541
00:20:45,713 --> 00:20:49,471
trying to work out how that bag got
up there in the first place.
542
00:20:49,511 --> 00:20:52,150
Well, yes, Jim, it is
a bit of a mystery.
543
00:20:52,190 --> 00:20:54,589
The wind!
544
00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:56,868
It fell from a helicopter?
545
00:20:56,908 --> 00:20:58,547
Uhh.
546
00:21:00,466 --> 00:21:02,306
Um, what's that thing?
547
00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:04,185
That thing's "the plan".
548
00:21:08,023 --> 00:21:10,422
Gotcha. Bingo!
549
00:21:10,462 --> 00:21:12,101
Mazeltov.
550
00:21:12,141 --> 00:21:15,260
£300 for a plastic bag?
551
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:18,419
Yeah, 300 lovely pounds.
552
00:21:18,459 --> 00:21:21,577
You're an idiot, Martin.
You know that? Yup.
553
00:21:21,617 --> 00:21:23,816
I know I've slagged off your
ridiculous spacesuit
554
00:21:23,856 --> 00:21:24,936
all night, but...
555
00:21:24,976 --> 00:21:27,495
You're freezing your bollocks off,
and now you want to wear it?
556
00:21:27,535 --> 00:21:29,534
Er, sort of.
557
00:21:29,574 --> 00:21:32,772
Go on, Pusface. Oh, thanks.
558
00:21:32,812 --> 00:21:34,891
Boys!
559
00:21:36,851 --> 00:21:39,569
Um, what do you want me
to do with it?
560
00:21:39,609 --> 00:21:42,688
I'll have that, thank you.
561
00:21:42,728 --> 00:21:45,047
That's right, Mr Bag.
562
00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:48,046
I win. You lose. Ho-ho!
563
00:21:48,086 --> 00:21:49,765
Done. Right.
564
00:21:49,805 --> 00:21:52,684
If anyone wants me,
I'll be having my crumble.
565
00:21:54,363 --> 00:21:57,082
Well, at least someone's happy.
566
00:21:57,122 --> 00:21:59,761
Hold on a minute.
567
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,520
Jonny?
568
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,239
Um, mate? You wouldn't mind putting
this back up there, would you?
569
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,958
You want me to put it back up there?
570
00:22:05,998 --> 00:22:07,557
Yeah.
571
00:22:10,116 --> 00:22:12,835
I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag-man.
572
00:22:16,273 --> 00:22:20,431
Actually, would you mind not
putting it back up there?
573
00:22:20,471 --> 00:22:21,911
Not putting it back up there?
574
00:22:21,951 --> 00:22:23,390
Not putting it back up there?
575
00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:24,989
Yeah.
576
00:22:27,508 --> 00:22:29,468
Crimble crumble.
577
00:22:29,507 --> 00:22:30,987
Crimble crumble.
578
00:22:31,027 --> 00:22:33,306
PHONE RINGS
579
00:22:34,865 --> 00:22:37,424
Pusface? Amazing.
580
00:22:37,464 --> 00:22:39,743
OK, coming.
581
00:22:39,783 --> 00:22:42,182
Um, Dad?
582
00:22:42,222 --> 00:22:43,621
What?
583
00:22:43,661 --> 00:22:46,100
Oh, my bloody, bollocking back.
584
00:22:46,140 --> 00:22:49,219
Honestly, Dad, it's worth it,
I swear.
585
00:22:49,259 --> 00:22:53,537
Look. Oh, my God,
What have you done?
586
00:22:54,736 --> 00:22:57,095
You bastards! My coat!
587
00:22:57,135 --> 00:22:58,935
My lovely coat!
588
00:22:58,975 --> 00:23:01,214
Wait! Come back!
589
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:04,292
Come back!
590
00:23:04,332 --> 00:23:06,651
Mum? What?
591
00:23:06,691 --> 00:23:08,810
I love you.
40106
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