Original subtitles

Well, are we just gonna keep driving on

until this car stops like the other one?

I'm open to suggestions -

but I'd say we have to find one of those space shuttles

that they use on this planet.

Well, do you know where to find one?

Not exactly.

Kai, do you remember where they keep those space shuttles?

Who would you like me to -

would you like -

me to like?

Well, he's not gonna help.

His protoblood seems to be failing completely, Stanley.

We have to get him back to the Lexx, soon.

- Soon as let soon. - Well, I know!

We should never have let Gordon and

that stupid Skankita steal our moth.

Oh yeah, was that my fault?

- Well - - If we can't get Kai back to the Lexx

then at least we have to find a new freezer

- to put him in. - So, so, so...

So you don't have a plan,

- we're just gonna go nowhere? - Yeah.

Why are you stopping?

All the cars are stopping.

They must want to ask that guy a question

or something, I don't know.

Oh boy, this is -

- What? - Look, could you please

just get out of our way? We're in a hurry, OK?

This won't take long.

- What won't take long? - This!

FBI! Hands off the wheel, now!

Kai, Kai!

Wheel - the wheel -

- wheel... Wheel... - That's not gonna help, Kai

Now, lady.

Don't do it Xev, don't do it, don't do it!

Oh boy.

Look, whatever it is that

you think we did, we didn't do it, OK?

Look, we gotta get back to the Lexx,

OK, because Kai's gotta get more protoblood.

Look,

we'd go up there ourselves,

except that this guy

and his stupid girlfriend stole our moth.

Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

He smells familiar.

Didn't we meet before, you know, some other planet

or something?

No?

Let's go.

Let them out Fred over there.

OK gentlemen, over here -

form a line.

Gimme your weapon.

- Gimme your weapon! - Kai, you have to help us.

Yeah, come on Kai, come on. Wake up,

wake up, save us Kai!

Wakey wakey time.

Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing on them.

I'm tied up, and he's got a gun!

- Sir, this is - - I'm aware.

I'm very aware. Gentlemen, I want you

to turn around - you don't wanna see this.

I can't watch either, I can't.

Sir, Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle,

I'm captain of the spaceship Lexx,

I'm an Ostral B hero,

I fought against His Divine Shadow

and the Divine Order, and I don't wanna die!

Lexx 4.16 Moss Please, don't kill me!

Lexx 4.16 Moss Goodbye Stan.

He -

he -

- he - - We - he -

David sends his regards.

OK,

let's go.

- Hey, let's go! - O... O... OK,

OK, OK.

Come on Kai.

No no no no no,

I'm not signing any bills today -

and I don't care how many are piling up, I'm busy.

No - can't you give them to someone else to sign?

Look, just use that rubber stamp thing

with my signature on it and veto all the bills.

Yes!

No no no no no, I don't want to read them.

Yes, that's right.

Just use the stamp and veto them. Bye!

- You're it! - Yes, I am it.

I think my show's on.

Let's watch TV.

It's so good not having Prince around anymore.

I can watch television any time I want.

Of course you can, silly -

you're the President.

Hey, isn't that Vietnam?

I don't know, perhaps.

Weren't you hiding out in the jungle

for 32 years or something?

Yes. 32 Long years.

You know, I kept going by

remembering my childhood -

boy scout,

apple pie,

church strippers.

You had naked women

in your congregation?

Er - church, eh -

Church. Suppers!

Good good good good good.

Oh, it must have been terrible

in the jungle.

I want you to explore

my jungle.

Will you do that Mr President?

Oh yes,

yes I will, yes

yes yes yes yes.

But we can't Bunnykins.

You remember.

We don't want to lose the key to the Lexx.

Oh! This is so frustrating!

I mean,

who cares about the stupid key

to the Lexx anyway?

You're the President

of the United States.

Isn't that enough?

You are right. We have waited long enough.

I am the President,

you are the First Lady.

We can do whatever

we want.

I want you Mr President -

right now.

I want you too, Mr President -

right now.

My prince.

Prince?

You - you came back to life.

No, not exactly.

I think that I am truly dead -

and yet here I am, on TV.

- How did you get there? -I'm not sure.

I was killed by Kai on the Lexx,

and the next thing you know -

here I am. Funny, isn't it?

Huh! It sure is.

Are you on all TVs,

or just this one?

I think just this one,

but I'm not sure.

My signal's fading, Mr President.

Stay tuned to this channel.

Of course, of course. We will stay tuned to this channel.

Oh, and one more thing

- Yes yes my Princ. - no hanky panky

with honey bunny licky lips.

We wouldn't want to do anything that would cause her

to lose the key to the Lexx now,

- would we? - No no no no no, of course

- not, my prince. - No.

Cheerie bye.

Cheerie bye, bye bye.

Don't worry, number one Bunnykins -

we'll do some hanky panky later.

- So who's David? - Shut up.

David Koresh.

He was a pastor of the Branch

Davidian Church in Waco, Texas -

until he was murdered by the Federal Government,

April 19th, 1993.

Look, are you gonna kill us too?

You working for the Federal Government?

No, we're from a parallel universe.

Well, that's good -

me too.

- Remember Waco. - Forever.

Are you dangerous?

- No! - Sometimes.

Uncuff them.

I'm Field Commander Moss,

of the American Freedom Rangers.

Welcome to my headquarters.

Now -

how can I help you?

You can get us a space shuttle

so that we can fly back to the Lexx.

I think that might be possible -

but how can you help me?

- What do you want? - To destroy the beast

that infects the government of this once

- proud land. - What beast?

You tell me.

The President. The Congress.

And particularly the Bureau

of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,

who controls the government

from a secret underground bunker

outside Washington DC.

- I've been there. - You have?

Wo... as a prisoner!

Will you help me?

Sign me up.

Why are you putting him on ice?

Is he part fish?

No no no no no, he just

gets like this when his

protoblood starts running low.

But if you get his

temperature

down low enough,

he works a lot better.

- Well, a bit better. - So, it's just the three of you.

- That's all? - Yep.

Stan, Xev and Kai.

Just the three of us.

Er - but I'm not

from around here,

so I don't understand

exactly who you are.

I'm Field Commander Moss

of the American Freedom Rangers.

What's that card say?

It says I'm Special Agent Moss

of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

You see, on April 20th,

1993, I had a revelation.

And that revelation told me

to fight the beast from the inside.

April 20th 1993

was the day after Waco.

If you do the math,

it makes sense.

April 20th 1993.

April's what, the fourth month?

4 + 2 + 0,

you get what? 6.

Take the 93.

Subtract 3 from 9 you get what?

Your second 6.

Take that 3, add it to the other 3, you get what?

Your third 6. That's 666.

I mean, you can go at it any way you want.

April 20th 1993.

20. 1993.

2 + 0 + 1

+ 9 + 9 + 3,

and you get what?

24. Divide 24 by 8.

8 - that's the number of ranking Democrats

in the House Judiciary Committee.

And you get what?

3. Multiply 3

by 222 -

James Earl Ray's

hotel room number

at the Excelsior,

in Memphis, and you get what?

666. Again.

You know what 666 means, don't you?

It's the number of the beast.

What's the beast?

Beast.

Hey!

Is this Idaho?

- Yes it is. - Totally excellent!

We made it!

Canada is, like, my favourite country.

I love the tacky uniforms,

like, totally dated -

post retro, even.

So -

who are you guys anyway?

American Freedom Rangers -

Idaho Convention of 94.

Not to be confused with the crazy old AFR.

Who are you?

I'm Gordon, and this is

my girlfriend Skankita.

We're drug addicts.

Not to be confused with

normal people.

Why is Canada your favourite country?

Because - ! Drugs are legal here -

I hate the States, man, they are like

so uptight if you just,

like, do lots of drugs.

Like we do.

Drugs are legal on

Canada, right?

We wouldn't know.

- Why is that? - Because Idaho is one of

the United States of America -

drug boy.

Oh.

You know...I did not realise that.

Wanna buy some crack?

Take the 1 from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Split it in half.

Take the two halves.

Now,

attach them to the two zeros.

What have you got?

Pennsylvania Avenue.

Coincidence?

I don't think so!

There are no coincidences, my friends.

Fact 1 - a seemingly stupid,

but in fact criminally clever

Vietnam vet

MIA is elected President.

Fact 2 -

a female real estate agent

from Miami is made Pope.

Fact 3 - alien carrots invade the Earth.

Fact 4 - Mars and Venus

disappear from the night sky

without a trace or an explanation.

Fact 5 - well,

you know what Fact 5 is.

- 666? - No!

Fact 5 is you.

Aliens having truck with the ATF,

the Pope, and the White House.

No, no, no. Look, listen pal,

I'm not a hundred percent with you

on anything that you're saying here,

but it's clear that you are a rebel,

and you should know,

that Stanley H Tweedle

has always been on the side

of rebels and heretics.

So what you doing having truck

with Isambard Prince of the ATF?

I am not having truck

with Isambard Prince!

You know Isambard Prince, don't you?

Well yeah, unfortunately.

Well, doesn't he sound like

an English guy to you?

Yeah, I suppose.

It's a well known fact

that all English are homosexual.

It is also a well known fact that

all homosexuals lie.

So the head of the ATF

is a liar. Am I right?

- Not anymore. - No? Why?

Kai killed him.

Kai killed who?

- Him. - Isambard Prince.

Kai

killed Isambard Prince.

Lucky.

I can't watch this anymore.

Let's just make love.

I want to, Bunnykins, you know I do.

But Prince might see us.

That's not Prince,

that's a TV.

We could turn it off

and never ever turn it on

ever again if we wanted to.

Why are you disturbing me?

You know I don't take calls anymore.

Not from the UN, not from the Pentagon,

and especially not from the FBI,

so just tell him

to have a bad day and

stay far away from me.

Who?

The FBI says Stanley Tweedle is trying to call.

Oo - what message

do they say they have from Isambard Prince?

And are you sure he said Isambard?

You know Isambard is away

on a special mission.

Far away.

Yes yes of course they can come here.

Umm, very good.

Please arrange it.

What's the FBI?

The Federal Bureau of, umm -

Intoxication!

I think.

- What do they do? - I think

they go after whiskey smugglers,

from Canada.

Yes, Moss, yes.

Excellent.

Remember Waco.

We're in.

- Stan and Xev are here to see you. - Yes yes, good good,

- send them in right away. - And the FBI agent?

Yes, him too.

They are here.

- Hi Stan. - Hi.

- Hi Xev. - Hi Bunny,

- Mr President. - Where's Kai?

In the freezer.

He's running low on protoblood

and isn't working well, so we didn't bring him.

Hi,

You must be the FIB agent - Mosley, was it?

Moss.

You did a good job in bringing them to me.

Yes yes - a very good job.

Thank you, you can go now.

On your knees.

Excuse me?!

On your knees, Mr President.

Are you, err...? Yes.

No, no, not really?

You don't sound like Isambard.

I am Isambard Prince.

You are my servant.

Kiss my hand.

- Is he Prince? - Yeah.

In a different body.

Yeah, I mean who would have thought that Prince

could come back as somebody else

on this planet too?

But -

Prince is in the TV -

- isn't he? - Of course he's Prince.

He was in the TV before

and now he's here with us.

Here he is, Prince, the ruler

of the planet - Water.

Water?!

Are you trying to test me?

Oh no no no, of course not my prince.

It was just a little slip,

that's all, I meant of course to say

the planet Fire.

You are my prince.

All him, all the time.

I don't think he is Prince.

Why not?

I don't know. I just don't think

he's Prince.

You doubt I am who I am?!

Of course you are you.

- I am to dominate! - And I'm to obey.

- All the time! - In every way.

- Whatever I say! - Every day.

- My wish - - is my command.

My desire -

is my every instruction.

Good. Good. Stop.

It's so good to have you back, my prince.

What bad things

should we start doing?

What chaos should we cause?

It's good to be back.

But

I don't think that anyone will recognise me

as Prince in this body.

I don't think they'l grant me any authority,

so - I think that what

we need is for you to write

an executive order

authorising this body,

which goes by the name of Moss,

as the new head

of the ATF.

The belly of the beast.

Kai, are you OK now?

OK...

OK...

OK...

I don't think it's cold enough.

As the new director of the ATF,

my first order of business

is that if

any of you know

or hear

of any ATF officer

talking like an English guy,

you know,

using an English foreign accent -

- they're to be eliminated. - Yes sir.

Second order of business

is to deal

with the most disloyal, lying,

betraying, terrorist organisation

in this country. I'm speaking of course

of the American

Freedom Rangers Idaho Convention

of 1994.

Not to be confused

with the AFR

originals,

who are all dedicated patriots

Well I'm confused. What's the difference

between American Freedom Rangers here,

and American Freedom Rangers

in -

someplace else?

The difference?

The difference is that we are the AFR,

and they are the AFRIC!

Could it be any clearer?

The difference is that

we are Americans,

and they are Pharisees.

The difference is

that we fight for the freedom

of the individual, and they are splittists!

Oh, splittists!

Oh, right.

This is the exact location of their headquarters.

I want you to find them,

hit 'em hard, take no prisoners. Understood?

They will be eliminated, sir.

OK -

what about the space shuttle?

You know, the little thing

that flies around in space

that you said you would get for us if we helped you out -

which I think

it's more than fair to say

that we have done.

We want to get off this planet

and return to the Lexx - now.

We're going to that right away, but in a

modified version.

- What do you mean? - Well,

the third order of business has changed

from getting you a space shuttle,

to getting you an AFR court martial.

OK -

what's an AFR

court martial?

It is a proceeding run by

a group of fair minded men

to determine the guilt or innocence

of anyone accused of being

in the service of the beast.

No no no no no no no.

You gave your word

you would get us a space shuttle.

Yeah, what is all this stuff about

honour and everything if then

all you do is go ahead and break your deal?

Yeah! We helped you out,

we gave you all the information you needed

to convince the President that you were Prince!

You have to help us, you agreed.

Yeah!

As an American,

I'm honour bound to keep my word.

But you're aliens,

you're not Americans.

And there's no code on Earth

that obliges me

to keep my word to you two.

Cuff 'em.

You can't...

You can't do this to us!

He just has, Stan.

Feeling better?

- No. - Hey,

you finally answered a question.

- Who are you? - My name...

my name is... is..

my name is?

Go on, son.

Who

would you kill me to lick,

me?

Good.

Good.

- Good. - Good.

I think you're ready to stand trial.

- Good. - I was worried, we were gonna

have to put it off but I think you're ready to go right away.

Good.

And it'll be a proper trial -

not one of those typical legal

circuses that clog

the courts of America,

no, and when it's over you'll have a quick

and honourable death,

a soldier's death.

Bullet to the heart -

none of this

lethal injection nonsense.

Non... Nonsense.

Are you sure it's Prince?

Yes Bunnykins, I'm sure of it.

One hundred percent sure?

No, not exactly one hundred percent,

- but it doesn't matter. - What do you mean,

it doesn't matter?

What I mean is that it really doesn't matter

in the end whether it's Prince or not.

It's just a lot better for me,

for you First Lady Bunnykins,

and for the presidency

to have someone in charge again.

Did we eliminate all the AFRIC terrorists?

Sir, we raided their headquarters

with a strong force as you ordered.

We did manage to eliminate the bulk of them.

And by bulk we mean - ?

Well - a few managed to escape sir

by an unusual means.

An unusual means?

Sir, they evaded us in some kind

of weird flying bug thing.

Weird flying bug thing?

Yes sir.

Well, here's what we do, captain.

We round up all our weird

flying bug exterminators.

We put together

a weird flying task force,

and we hunt those terrorists down.

Eliminate them - all of them.

Hey, hey look.

I know that you don't think

that we're rebels, but really we are.

See - look, I was an assistant deputy

backup courier for the Ostral B heretics

fighting against His Divine Shadow.

And then after that,

I was a... a...

security guard class 4

on the Cluster, so look,

is there some kind of an assignment,

you know, that you might want me to do?

Well, I can be pretty

flexible you know,

it doesn't matter, whatever you want me to take on -

Give it up Stan! He wants to kill us

and I don't think he will change his mind.

This court martial is now

in session.

Your honour,

we live in a sick,

I say, a sick

society.

This once proud land

is riddled

with noxious

disease from top

to bottom.

There's body odour

in the body politic.

There's a head cold in the head of state.

We must purge

the corrupted organs.

And when you look

on these defendants

you see

the social

dis - ease.

Hey hey hey hey - I got no

social disease, buddy!

We just want to get off this planet.

My dear young lady,

I would be delighted, I say delighted

to be able to execute

your wish -

Ah, your honour, objection,

objection your honour.

It's not the part

or the place of the prosecution

to pass sentence.

And if I were you your honour I'd

take umbrage, I'd take a lot of umbrage.

I'd take this much umbrage.

Under the constitution my clients

are presumed innocent until proven guilty.

Well I would never,

never

deprive these clients

of their constitutional rights -

even if they are aliens.

Even if they did blast

two of my personal favourite

planets out of the night sky.

What did you do to Mars

and Venus?!

What are Mars and Venus?

Oh, they're planets numbers 2 and

4 in the solar system.

Numbers which even an alien

must realise add up to 6!

I don't remember blowing up any planets

in this system except Fire and Water -

so that means we did not blow up

Mars and Venus.

Well, who did?

This is this

space junkie here,

this punksicle?

Objection your honour -

if he ain't gonna make sense,

that's one for the defence.

Objection sustained.

By the way,

Mr Defence -

you're a good looking man.

Mr Prosecutor,

you may proceed with caution.

Stanley Tweedle,

did you ever blow up

any planets

in this system?

No, I never blew up any planets

in this system!

Except for, you know, maybe one -

thing, that probably wasn't

a planet anyway.

Would you share

- with us? - Well,

when I was just testing

the Lexx's weapon, you know, just

target practice,

I did blow up this, this one

lumpy thing, it was really far away,

I think you call it Pluto?

Your honour, the defendant

has confessed to

plutocricide!

Objection your honour -

he's not on trial for

plutocricide.

Well maybe he should be.

Oh yeah?

Yeah! Says who?

Says me.

And who are you when you're at home?

Maybe you should ask your momma.

You run your mouth, you going south.

It's lucky the defendant

is charged with blowing up planets,

not blowing up oranges.

Well, if he blew up an orange -

objection, your honour!

If you can't do the rhyme, don't do the crime.

Objection sustained.

Just listen, will you just listen!

We didn't blow up any planets

in your solar system -

except maybe Fire, Water, maybe Pluto -

because we couldn't.

And why is that?

Because we lost the key to the Lexx

a long time ago, that's why we're still hanging around

your stupid planet!

We can't get our ship to fly away,

we can't get our ship to do anything,

including

blowing up planets,

and we can prove it!

Perhaps you could try.

OK. President Priest

knows that we don't have the key.

Ask him.

The defence calls President Priest.

President of the United States.

- I saw him! - Who?

Prince! He was there,

for a second on the TV.

President Priest.

Oo. Yes yes, of course.

Tell him I'll come right over.

It's the boss. I mean Prince.

I have to go over to his office.

I won't be long.

Feeling better?

My temperature has dropped,

I'm feeling more myself,

- yes, thank you. - Kai.

I want you to use your brace,

- soon. - Tell me son -

what is this brace thing?

You use it to shoot down planets,

or to kill people, or

to peel oranges?

I have k-k-k...

- I have k-k-k... - Aw, spit it out son.

Are you a k-k-k-killer

or a k-k-k-kabuki dancer?

I have killed mothers ...

I have killed proud young mothers.

Old.

Good old mothers ...

evil mothers.

Please, son -

raise your hand when you come

to the end of that sentence.

- So I... - Now -

Xev, is it?

Why, I said why,

are there 3 of you?

There are 3 of us,

because that is the number we are.

If you divide it by 1,

it is still 3,

because there are 3 reasons

why you should let us go.

The first one is,

that we have not done anything to you.

The second one is,

that all we've ever tried to do,

is get off this planet.

And the third one is,

that you are unstable in the head

and it would be best for all

if you just turned yourself in to the protein bank.

Yeah, that's telling him Xev!

Your honour,

the defendant is casting aspersions,

and I submit, your honour,

it's not coincidence

that they are 3 in number.

For if you square 3,

you get 9.

If you subtract 3

from each of the 9, you get 666.

They are 3 in number because

they are in the service

of the Antichrist!

Stan, what rhymes with nut head?

Butt head?

What this?

What did you say happened

to your moth ship?

It got stolen.

By who?

By Gordon and Skankita.

It was last seen in

Idaho,

heading west.

Mr President.

I'm here to answer questions

with the whole truth and nothing but the truth

in whatever way you want, my prince.

That won't be necessary.

As the judge of this court martial

it is my duty

to render fair and impartial

judgement on all who come before me.

Unfortunately, something more important's come up,

so -

guilty as charged,

you'll be shot by firing squad,

court is dismissed! Goodbye.

No! You can't do that.

I can be a ranger, I can go on missions,

I can be a good ranger!

I never liked Idaho!

I don't - oh, don't kill me!

What's the date?

I don't know, umm,

it's on the tip of my tongue but I forget

It's the 6th.

And what time is it?

Oh, it's six

afternoon.

It's 6 minutes after 6,

on the 6th day.

Mr President, there are no coincidences.

Kill him too.

No no no. No. Please my prince.

Don't I get a trial?

You don't deserve one -

and frankly, I'm exhausted.

But my prince,

you know that I will always

do whatever you say,

and that I am your loyal servant.

You fool.

I'm not Prince.

I'm Field Commander Moss

of the American Freedom Rangers.

??????????

Bunny, wake up.

Prince!

You're there on the TV.

Yes, I'm here.

Not so much on TV as in TV,

but nevertheless I am here.

Now Bunny listen carefully.

Why, what's the matter?

Is the President in trouble?

Yes, the President is in trouble,

and the presidency is in trouble.

There was a silly little trial

going on over at ATF headquarters

and it's gone off the rails,

so to speak.

I was not at all concerned

that Stan and Xev might be executed,

but it might inconvenience me

if the President - whom you love,

so dearly -

were to get shot,

and that is what will happen

unless you do exactly

as I say.

I love the President -

and I love the presidency.

And I will do

whatever you say.

Hello there.

I am First Lady Bunny,

wife of President Priest.

I think you know

who Field Commander Moss

of the American Freedom Rangers is,

don't you?

And I bet you'd like to know

where he is,

so you can

talk - with him,

or - whatever.

Weii, Field Commander Moss

is now the new head

of the Bureau of Alcohol,

Tobacco and Firearms,

which is located in a secret

underground headquarters,

just outside

of Washington.

You can't see it very well from the ground,

but from the air it's easy to spot

because it has a big oil tank

with a big hole -

in the top. So,

you know, things like helicopters,

or flying moths

can get down inside.

So go on down

and say hi,

to Field Commander Moss.

You know, for your country.

Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing now.

How?

I could have had you shot

by 6 men -

but I chose 7,

because 7 is the number of -

- luck. - This doesn't feel like luck.

Your deaths will be carried out in a manner

befitting those involved in the struggle -

even though you were on the wrong side.

But -

enough.

Any last requests?

Yes, me -

please don't kill me, I'm the President

of the United States.

We're killing you because you are the President

of the United States.

Then as President -

I grant myself a full pardon

for all my crimes.

Right.

- At arm. - No, wait, wait -

I got a request.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Kill Kai first.

Yeah, I request that too.

Kill Kai first, and then when he's dead -

then kill us.

You got a problem with that?

No. No way

no. No problemo...

Fine. Him first.

Ready.

Ready.

Aim.

Fire!

There's only 6 holes.

The beast is upon us.

The Idaho Convention.

I knew it.

Gentlemen -

follow me!

Splittists!

1, 2, 3,

4, 5...

6.

Remember Waco.

All right, let's go.

I think I'll get back to the White House now.

Look, I mean we should have blown up that planet

when we had the chance.

Blow that planet.

We'll get our chance.