Original subtitles

- You've got to stop fretting about me,

you've got more to worry about with your own life.

- But you hate it here, I know you do.

- Will you stop worrying? - You're me dad.

Who else is going to?

- Just let them sell the house, son,

I don't want any fuss.

- No, that's yours.

You worked all your life for that place.

- Good afternoon, everyone.

Everything all right?

Good.

Now, it's been reported to me that some of you

are going out into the garden unsupervised.

If you continue to do so,

then you will have to visit the office

and sign a disclaimer.

You may not care if the home is sued

when we have to drag you out of the lake,

but I do! - Excuse me, I don't think

that's any way to talk to people.

- Sorry, you're who?

- I'm here to visit me father.

- Leave it, son.

- Oh, well, visiting hours are over.

Helen will show you out.

- Any danger of finding a mark yet or what?

- Albert's out working the clubs.

- Here, I could help Albert rope in the marks.

Only, I read that the better the roper, the better the con.

And everyone knows Albert's the best there is.

- Listen, mate, the real key is the inside man, all right?

He's the brains, okay?

He's the one who puts the whole show together,

covers the angles... - Yeah,

Danny's our inside man, Billy.

- I mean, not that roping ain't important, it is,

and believe me Albert is a legend, okay?

But if you've roped somebody in, all right,

what you gonna do without an inside man?

- Coffees all round?

Do you want tea?

- Er, thanks, Eddie, yeah.

- Yeah, but what's an inside man

gonna do without a mark, eh?

- Yeah, thanks, Ash, I was just about to

get to that one thank you.

Yeah, so it's sort of a chicken and egg thing,

where the chicken is important,

but without an egg, wouldn't be a chicken would there?

Vice versa.

The chicken, on its own, may provide the egg,

but it's the egg that you actually want.

Tell me I'm wrong, Ash.

- Nah, I'm not sure I can Danny.

- D'you want scrambled eggs?

- This is all part of your education, son.

I hope you're taking it in.

- Yeah, I think so.

- Good, right, off you pop.

Pick my suit up.

- Danny, you're meant to be training him up,

not sending him on your errands.

- I am training him up.

What about all that chicken and egg stuff I just gave him?

- Croissant, brioche? - Yeah, be fair, Stace.

I mean, he does need the chicken and egg stuff, don't he?

Yeah, when the kid's ready,

give him a shot at the title.

- I could always nip out and get a pineapple.

- Why is Eddie being so nice to us?

- Must be time to pay the tab.

- Oh, don't worry about that, and,

these are on the house.

- Now, he's really freaking me out.

- Well, it comes to something when a bloke

can't buy his mate, his very best mates, breakfast.

- Whoa, hang on a minute, hang on a minute.

Two possibilities here:

either it's not really Eddie and

it's just his body possessed by aliens, or...

- He wants something.

- So, which is it?

- Can you lend me 50 grand?

When me mum died,

the old man, he just sort of went to pieces,

he was rattling about in that house.

He just couldn't cope on his own.

- So he went into this nursing home?

- And they were really nice when he got there.

He had his own room, he had people he could talk to.

I mean, he really came out of himself.

- So what changed?

- It got taken over.

This new bird came in.

The fees nearly trebled in four months.

- So move him out.

- Well, that's the trouble.

Me dad wants to go home, but he can't.

When I tried to get him out, the small print on the contract

ties him in for five years.

And get this, even if he dies in the meantime,

his estate is still liable for the whole five years.

- They can't do that.

- In the contract, me dad's house was put up as security.

I'm already five grand behind with the new fees,

I need another 40-odd to buy out the rest of the contract.

And if I can't find the money to pay them off,

me dad loses his house, everything.

- Sounds like you've been conned.

- It's people like that give honest grifters a bad name.

I vote we take them down on principle.

- Yeah, me too.

- I'll rip up your tab.

- I've tried everything, old boy, really I have.

I'm mean, I'm not being funny, Neville,

what's a chap got to do to get a knighthood these days, hmm?

I mean, you could buy one until last year,

when all this Levy carry on started up.

And if I throw any more at damned charities,

I'll soon be one myself.

Uncle Freddie got one just by bunging

some under-secretary 50K.

Cheerie-bye, Nev. - Cheerio.

- Hugs to Felicity.

- May I?

- Of course. - Thank you.

James Alderman.

- Jonathan Mortimer-Howe.

- I don't recall seeing you here before, Jonathan.

- New member.

Thought it time I increased my circle.

- Ha ha, not a bad thing.

What do you do? - Oh, banking.

You?

- I'm a civil servant.

- But you're American.

- I'm on attachment from the White House.

Here to work on the Honours List Committee.

- I say, old boy, erm, let me buy you a brandy.

- Thank you.

- Morecambe Hall Nursing Home,

family run for 12 years,

bought out six months ago by this woman.

Veronica Powell.

- Any other interests?

- Yeah, I've checked with Companies House

and been through her accounts.

From what I can make out,

this nursing home is a new venture.

She made most of her money in property.

In fact, she's still got a property company

and an auction house.

- So why has she suddenly bought a nursing home?

- Well, if you ask me, it's a bigger con than we thought.

- How?

- She buys this place, then she whacks up the fees,

so the elderly residents have to

sell their property to pay for it.

- Which she then arranges to sell

through her own property company...

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it's worse than that.

She convinces them to sell through her own auction house.

She forgets to invite any serious bidders,

buys the lot herself for next to nothing,

and sells them on later.

- She's not silly, is she?

- And the money she pays for the houses,

she gets back anyway when she collects the fees

for the nursing home.

- So basically she's just nicking old people's houses?

- Yeah, but you got to admit it's clever.

- Poor, poor Eddie.

- And, if she's smart enough to put this together,

she's not gonna be easy to take.

- Good news, we have a mark.

- Oh, Albie, sorry.

We've kind of been sidelined.

- Oh, why?

- Yeah, our Eddie's in trouble.

- Right, I'll fill Albie in.

- And what should I do?

- You, you stick with me, take notes.

Right, Stace.

Get close to this Veronica bird, all right?

I want you to find out what makes her tick,

I mean, she's gotta care about something.

Okay, kids, let's show old laughing chops

just what happens when you mess

with a grifters favorite barman.

- For God's sake, man, it's the wrong temperature.

- I think you'll find it's correct, madam.

- If you don't want my opinion,

what's the point of me bloody tasting it?

A good Pinotage should be served at around 63 degrees.

You've taken this from a fridge.

- I will go and check, madam.

- Check with who?

You're the bloody sommelier.

Just bring me another bottle.

Do your job properly, moron.

- Good for you for speaking up.

I'd jolly well like to see how people would react

if their food came out at the wrong temperature.

- Oh, my point exactly.

The problem is, they're all bloody foreigners.

- Well, absolutely.

- These restaurants seem to think that

just because you've got a French accent,

it automatically qualifies you to talk about wine.

- Hear, hear, I completely agree!

Jane Porter.

- Jane, Veronica Powell.

- Jonathan.

James Alderman.

- Oh, hello James.

- Yes, I'm gonna be out of town for a few days.

I thought perhaps we could meet up before I go.

I may have some interesting news for you.

- Oh, can you meet today?

- Of course.

- Say, an hour?

- Where will you be?

- The Old Empress Ballroom.

- Right.

- See you there.

- Cheers.

- You know, I don't mind doing the little jobs.

I just wanna learn, you know?

I want you to give me everything you got.

- Sure, sure, sure.

I can't give you everything I've got, obviously.

I mean, there wouldn't be enough room.

But I can give you some.

- All right, right.

- Okay, first rule of the con,

you can't cheat an honest man.

- All right.

- You feed the greed, you offer something for nothing,

you give them nothing for something.

- Oh, I can't believe I'm sitting here with Danny Blue!

- No, we can hardly believe it ourselves sometimes.

- Of all the vile, rude, dishonest, low-down, deceitful,

scheming, horrible, evil bitches I ever met,

that woman beats them all.

- You talked to her?

- An opportunity came up and I took it.

I also thought it'd be quicker to do it there and then.

- Okay, so what d'you think, are we on or not?

- Oh, yeah, definitely we're on.

- How?

- Wine.

She's a real buff, apparently,

and from what I can gather,

she'll quite happily pay thousands

to add the right vintage to her collection.

- How many thousands?

- Her biggest buy so far was 18,000 pounds

for a bottle of 1978 Montrachet, three years ago.

- 18 grand for a bottle of wine?

- Some people have more money than sense.

- Yeah, our favorite kind.

Okay, so we do a wine con.

Can you knock something up?

- Might take a few days.

- Yeah, well after talking to that woman,

I don't want Eddie's dad in there

any longer than he has to be.

- So I'll have to get something already made up,

and I know just the man.

It's upside-down!

- Do you mind? - Oh.

- This is very delicate.

I thought I'd locked the door?

- You did.

I need a bottle of wine.

- How much?

- Something that sells for a small fortune,

but when we buy it, costs 30 bob.

- Nothing new there then.

- Who have I gotta fool?

Amateur or professional?

- Amateur.

So something recognizable that rings all the bells

when she does a search.

- A lady?

Not very gentlemanly.

- Oh, believe me, Vinnie, she's no lady.

- James, sorry to drag you out here, old boy.

Bank business. - Oh?

- Yeah, one of our clients is looking

for a loan to refurbish this place.

If you ask me, it'd be kinder to knock it down.

- It was quite a place in its heyday.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Well, our chap's good for the loan.

If he chooses to waste it on this that's his lookout.

So, you said you had some news?

- Yes, I do.

- Where you been?

- Just finished putting Jonathan on ice.

- And?

- He's where we'll find him if we need him.

- Good, okay, excellent.

Ash is sorting us out with a moody bottle wine, right?

Something she should recognize

and want for her collection.

Now, Stace has already made contact,

so she can work the inside with me.

- As what?

- What about we lead her to Billy here?

He's a tea leaf, done over a stately home.

Got rid of all the silver candlesticks and whatnot.

Now he's looking to shift the plonk.

- Yeah, but I don't know anything about it,

so I come to you.

- Excuse me!

I do the plans.

- Sorry, Danny.

- Thank you.

Okay, so he don't know anything about the wine,

so he comes to me, his uncle.

- Uncle?

- Problem?

His sister could have married a black bloke.

- But then he'd be mixed-race.

- Well, I could be from your

sister's husband's first marriage.

- So he'd be your step-nephew.

- Right, he's a mate of me nephew's.

- Yeah, what color is he?

- Don't matter what color he is,

he's me bleedin' nephew, ain't he?

- But I'm his mate? - Yes!

- All right, gotcha.

- Where was I?

- Your nephew's friend just robbed a stately home.

- Thank you, Albert.

Okay, so he brings me a bottle of wine.

- Why?

- Work on that bit later.

Right, okay, phase two.

The convincer.

- Top end stuff is harder to do.

- Oh come on, Vinnie!

You must have something special lyin' about?

- Got a couple of bottles that could

fetch 50K upwards.

A lot of hard work went into perfecting them.

- Yeah, I had a feeling it might have done.

How much?

- Three grand.

- Are you sure?

- Okay, two and a half.

But only if Miss Monroe delivers the money, personally.

- Two grand, and she'll sit on your lap while you count it.

- So, Albert's the independent wine expert

and he'll give a valuation.

- Right, and when she tries to do the deal,

we say Billy here will only take cash.

- Well, what if she doesn't bite?

- Then we have plan B.

First rule of the con, always have a plan B.

- Sorry.

What's the first rule again?

You can't cheat an honest man, or always have a plan B?

- Listen, you got to adapt, all right?

You got to adapt to whatever situation

you find yourself in.

That's the first rule of the con, be adaptable.

- That's three.

- Three what?

- First rules!

- Danny, you're confusing the boy.

- All right, once more for Billy.

Rule one, you can't cheat an honest man,

rule two, you have a plan B,

rule three. be adaptable.

- Isn't being adaptable the same as having a plan B?

- No.

- Why not?

- Because... - Because Danny says so.

- So the first rule is, what Danny says goes?

- Exactly, and then take the others,

bish, bash, bosh, shuffle them up and Bob's your uncle.

- I didn't realize grifting would be so complicated.

- It is the way that Danny does it.

- Houston, we have a problem.

- Last year, a crew from the Midlands

tried to pull a wine scam on Veronica Powell.

It was a real amateur affair.

Something about rare vintages coming up on the black market,

after a robbery at a stately home.

- Go on.

- Anyway, she went to the police

and they set up a sting operation.

- Yeah, she thought she was reporting

a straightforward theft.

When she found out she was actually being conned

and the bottles were fakes, she went into one.

- How?

- She had her whole cellar checked by experts.

Now she won't buy anything

without it being verified by her own people.

And I'm talking the full works.

Men in white coats, test tubes, cork probes, you name it.

I'm sorry, Danny.

- It's not your fault, is it, Vinnie?

All right, thanks for, giving us the heads up, mate.

See you later.

- I think, we need a re-think.

- Is there anything else she talked about?

There's got to be another in.

- I don't think so.

- What wine gives us is an emotional response, all right?

With a hard-faced cow like this,

I still think it's our best shot.

But if she's going to lab-test

what we're gonna try and sell her,

well it can't work.

- Guys, aren't we forgetting something here?

- What?

- Mate, we're sitting next to the one and only Danny Blue!

I mean, he can come up with a plan in, like, five minutes.

- What we got?

We got wine, we got Veronica, we got a bottle...

- Okay, one, two, three.

- No, the other way, idiot!

- It's not gonna work is it?

A plan.

Here we go with a plan, here we go with a plan.

Here we go with a plan, come on.

Come on, a plan.

Come on!

A plan.

How ya doing?

I'm all right, yeah.

Bottle of wine?

Fake?

That's not a fake bottle of wine,

it's a real bottle of wine.

- How's it going?

- Yeah, good, just putting the finishing touches

to the whole plan thing.

You know, working all the angles,

covering all the moves,

ticking all the boxes.

- Not good, then?

- No.

It's hard, you know.

The kid looks up to me,

the way I did with you lot when I first started.

- D'you want us to chip in?

- No.

I ain't much of a leader if I can't

come up with my own plan, am I?

- Look, if it helps,

Mickey used to say, "Keep it simple".

He'd just work out what the mark would do,

then plan one step ahead.

- Yeah, the old one-step-ahead trick.

- Well, if you can work out the person's next move,

you can plan for it.

- All right, say we're talking about

selling someone a fake bottle of wine, right,

no-one in particular, just someone, right?

And you knew that this someone, whoever it is,

you knew they'd run a lab-test on the bottle

and they'd spot it was fake?

- Rig the test.

Or, you give her a good enough reason

not to test it in the first place.

Yeah, well, that's as far as I got.

- Then the next bit is what makes the difference

between someone who can lead their own crew,

and the rest of us.

- I've got it!

I've got it! - What?

- You've got it?

- Ready to roll in ten minutes.

There you go, shopping list.

- 30,000 pounds, 35, 35, thank you.

At 35,000 pounds.

Do I have 40?

At 35,000 pounds, then.

40, thank you.

At 40,000.

This marvelous bottle of 1787 Chateau d'Yquem,

at 40,000 pounds, going once,

and going twice then.

I'm selling at 40,000 pounds...

- How much money we got, altogether?

- Where?

- Everywhere.

- Well, if I empty all the accounts,

sell everything we own and hit all the credit cards,

maybe, just short of 50,000?

But that would wipe us out.

- How much short?

- What?

- How much short of 50 grand?

- I don't know, two or three thousand, I suppose.

- What's he doing?

- Your guess is as good as mine.

- 47, Captain!

- Are you mad?!

- A new bid at 47!

- What are you doing?

- I'm selling at 47, then...

- Danny, are you mad?!

- Sold!

I can't believe you just did that.

- Yeah, well, you gotta speculate to accumulate.

- I must admit, Danny, that I don't recall any other plan

that involved cleaning us out before we started.

- That's because, you're in the presence of genius.

- Yeah, well, look on the bright side,

at least it'll pass a lab-test.

- Yeah, and it only cost us everything we have.

- I tell you, what I don't get.

Real or not, if we paid 47 grand for it,

that's what it's worth, 47 grand.

I mean, where's the profit, Danny?

- Still working on that bit, yeah.

- Please tell me that you're joking.

- Look, we know what she's gonna do,

all right, we are one step ahead.

- All right, we're one step ahead.

Now what?

- Ash, find me an old house,

something that's on the market, but ain't shifting.

- Albert, go to a charity shop,

I want you looking old and potless.

And as we're now all skint, Stacie,

you can raise some money for expenses.

Right, people, let's go.

Time is money, let's go, go, go!

- Keep the change, love.

- That's very kind. - Thank you.

Lovely.

That's great, thanks a lot.

Cheers.

- Hello, sir.

I saw the For Sale sign and I thought,

I wondered if I could look around?

My name's, my name's Oliver.

- Billy, Billy!

Yes.

No, that is a very valuable part of the con.

All right, give me a call back

when you've got everything.

All right, son, bye.

How we doing?

- Okay, we got a run-down little semi,

been on the market 18 months.

Bloke says he'll settle for 285.

I've got a set of keys,

so the place is ready when you are.

- Okay, set it up for tomorrow.

How we doing for expenses?

- Well we got enough, just enough, to get the job done.

- Time to reel in the Wicked Witch of the West.

- Just turn down the thermostats.

- We've already had complaints about it being too cold.

- Well, all that knitting must be producing something,

get them to wear jumpers.

- Oh, the relatives.

- Okay, ask the relatives if they'd like

to contribute to the heating bills.

I want the last quarter's accounts.

Jane!

- You're kidding me.

I didn't realize this was your place!

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I was asking if you had any vacancies.

Only my aunt died three months ago

and I'm looking for somewhere for my uncle.

An objectionable old bugger,

but well there's no-one else you see,

just me and my husband.

- Must be such a burden?

- As I said, I don't do old people.

- Well, I'm sure we can help.

- Have you gone through the fees?

- Yeah, er, they all seem fine.

Anyway, he's got a house which we can sell.

- Really?

- Yeah, well, I don't see why I should pay for him.

So what's next?

- Well, why don't I come and see your house,

I mean, your uncle, in person?

- You don't need to do that.

- Oh, no, no I insist.

And if you're serious about selling,

I have some excellent contacts.

- All this, in.

- Can I ask you something? - Course.

- What exactly are we doing?

- Danny's got a plan.

- I've been trying to work it out.

Buying a bottle of wine, this place, and this.

- Yeah, well it's best not to try

and get inside Danny's head,

it's a scary place to be.

- 10 minutes.

- 10 minutes, all right mate, you ready upstairs?

- Yeah, Albert's in place

and I got a feed through to the van outside.

- Okay, good.

Right now, tell Billy to wait at Eddie's, yeah?

I want him out of sight so we can use him later.

- All right.

- Okay, let's do it.

- Show time.

- Come through, please.

It's only me!

Uncle?

Uncle, this is the nice lady I was telling you about.

- Oh! - Veronica.

- Pleased to meet you, oh, don't get up, Mr...?

- Peterson, Norman Peterson, yeah.

- You're American? - Yeah, yeah.

- Uncle Norman came over during the war, never went home.

- Well what's happening, dear?

- Your new home, we talked about it last night, remember?

- Well, I, I like it here.

- And you'll like your new home too.

- I'm sure my friend could get you

a decent price for this place, you know.

- Oh, yeah, well I, I'll put the kettle on.

- My Lily was born here in London.

- What's going on?

- Albert's doing his stuff.

- She was in the Navy,

during the war.

- Lily was my aunt.

- They were called Wrens, you know that?

Lily Bond.

She was the most beautiful girl

ever to grace God's green earth.

She had the thickest, long brown hair,

with a mass of curls you could lose yourself in them.

And eyes were so blue you felt like you could swim in them,

and a smile that would reach out and steal your heart.

I was 18 when I met her and well,

I'd never, you know, been with a woman before.

They say everyone has a soul mate.

Lily was mine.

- This place just hasn't been the same without her.

Has it, Uncle?

- No, no it hasn't.

- I'm sure you and your Willy were very happy.

Perhaps we could look around,

I can give you some idea of the value?

- Yeah, great idea.

- Willy, my ass!

- Okay, you're on.

- You've seen the kitchen, but there's a marvelous cellar.

Oh, there's the door, you go down.

The light switch on the left, I'll catch you up.

- 1787 Chateau d'Yquem!

Must be worth a fortune!

- Good as new with a clean up.

I'm Derek, Jane's other half.

You must be?

- Veronica. - Veronica!

Hello, Veronica.

Cor blimey!

The crap he's got down here.

Brought most of it back from the war, you know?

The original Stormin' Norman he was.

Liberated Paris single-handed if you listen to him.

- Well, actually, this bottle's...

- What?

- Nothing, no just a very pretty bottle.

- Yeah?

Let's give it a go then, shall we?

- What?

- That's if the old git's got some glasses.

- No, no, not on my account, really!

Er, maybe another cup of tea?

Oh, no more tea, please,

drives me mad with his bleedin' tea.

'Ere ya are, love, look,

a bottle of plonk in the cellar, you want some?

- Well, erm...

- Great!

- Well, maybe we should save it for later?

- Nah, it'll be all right, just get this out.

Ooh!

- There we go!

- Oh, do you think it's worth anything?

- What?

- The house?

- Oh, er, I'm not sure.

- How long's that been down there, Uncle?

- I moved here in '46.

- Yeah, well it tastes like piss.

- No!

I mean,

- It seems like such a waste.

- Well, you wouldn't say that if you tasted it, darlin'.

Here y'are, hang on to the bottle if you want.

Stick a candle in it.

Thank you.

- No worries.

We've got cases of the stuff downstairs.

- So, Veronica, Jane was saying

something about an auction?

- Yes.

- Blinding.

Great yeah, none of that hanging around,

all those viewings.

In fact, no need to do anything at all, just,

I don't know just, we just lock the door,

sell the house and contents together.

- Contents!

- Sorry?

- No, that's just what I'm saying, it's a marvelous idea,

selling the house and contents together,

just leave everything as it is.

- But I'm, I'm happy here.

- I can have a room made available

at the Hall almost immediately.

- Sounds like a great idea.

- And I know just the company to handle the auction,

if you'd like me to get the ball rolling?

- Oh, I don't like to impose.

- Not at all.

I'm happy to help.

- Time to start packing, Pops!

Was that, or was that not,

the best convincer in the history of the con?

- I have to admit, it is bordering on genius.

- Not bordering, Albie,

it's knocking down the bleedin' door,

and sitting in the armchair of genius,

with an ice-cold beer. - If, it works.

- It will.

- You're the man. - Yes, I am.

And if I'm not mistaken,

she should be having that bottle tested,

right about,

now.

- Well? - No doubt.

A 1787 Chateau d'Yquem.

- You're completely sure?

- Absolutely.

Where did it come from?

- Some old codger brought it back from the war.

He was in Paris.

I've heard stories about how the French

used to build false walls to hide

their precious wines from the Nazis.

- Has he got anything else?

- A whole case of the stuff, untouched!

God knows what else.

- You do know that a bottle of the same vintage

sold this week for 47,000 pounds?

- Of course I do,

I'm not an idiot.

- So, what moron opened it?

- Yeah, but, why pour it out?

Why not just give her the bottle?

Because this whole thing will only work

if she thinks that I think it's worthless.

What better way to prove that?

Pour it down the sink!

- I'd never have thought of that.

- Exactly.

First rule of the con, kid.

Expect the unexpected.

- That was quite a tale, Albert.

- I'm sorry, what was?

- "Eyes so blue you felt you could swim in them".

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Almost fell in love with her meself,

just listening to you.

- Well, all the best stories have an element of truth.

- What you mean there really was a Lily Bond?

- Oh, yes, yes.

In fact every word was true.

During the war, I was stationed in North London,

with the maintenance and supply base for the US Air Force.

- But you've never talked about this before.

I always thought you came over in the seventies.

- No, that's when I came to stay.

- So, when you were at the base,

that's when you met this girl?

- Yes, yes, I met Lily on the second day I was at the base.

The locals had, put on a dance there to welcome us.

And she had on the most

beautiful silver dress.

And from the moment I laid eyes on her,

I couldn't see anything else but her.

It took me almost an hour

to pluck up the courage to talk to her.

I was in the very same building only yesterday.

And suddenly everything I felt

that first moment I saw her, I felt again.

- Did you see her again?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Back then they called it courting.

I begged and borrowed and stole and conned

every weekend pass and leave I could lay my hands on

and I spent every second with her.

I was very young,

and didn't know what love was.

And she taught me.

All of a sudden, I couldn't picture

any part of my future life that didn't include her.

Then one morning, I was awakened at dawn.

They wanted us to fly a B29 Fortress

back to the States.

I had 30 minutes to pack my gear.

And Lily's parents didn't have a telephone

and I couldn't leave the base,

so I had two choices, you know,

get on the plane or go AWOL.

- So, what did you do?

I'm a gambler, what do you think I did?

I flipped a coin.

I wrote her a letter on the plane

and I posted it as soon as we landed,

but I doubt if she ever got it.

So months passed and the war was over

and I scraped together every cent I could

and I came back for her.

I got off the train,

I got a cab to her street,

and as we were passing the church,

I saw her.

It was her wedding day.

I never even got out of the cab.

- Oh, look, I'm sorry, Albert.

- It's strange, how the course of your life can change

at the toss of a coin.

- Veronica.

Hello.

Oh, that's great news.

That's wonderful, yeah I'll tell Uncle,

he'll be very excited.

Okay, bye bye.

The auction will take place tomorrow afternoon.

- That's good, very good.

How'd she sound?

- She sounded excited.

- Hello, my name's Jane Porter

and this is my friend, Burton.

And we're about to spend an obscene amount of money.

Oh, you look lovely.

But I think we could do better.

Next!

- Oh, that's... - Uh, huh.

Next!

Definitely not!

Yeah!

You look beautiful!

Oh, that is the look.

- Where you been?

- Sorry, Dan, had a couple of things to see to.

All right, all the paperwork's drawn up.

The old boy gets his 285,

we get everything over that.

- The hard part will be working out

what her top bid will be.

- Okay. We know she thinks there's at least

11 bottles of d'Yquem in there.

With the house on top and whatever else

she thinks is in the cellar, I think she's gonna go 550.

So you make your last bid five and hope she tops it.

Anything more than that, I think she might smell a rat.

But if it slows down before that,

you just bail out anywhere past four.

- All right, got it, got it.

- Now listen,

you're gonna be a flash git agent, yeah?

So you keep your mobile pinned to your ear,

look like you're getting instructions from someone.

- Albert, how are you doing?

- So we done, yeah?

- Yeah.

- I'll get the drinks in.

- Hang on.

- Set 'em up, Eddie.

- What's going on exactly, Ash?

'Cause Danny won't tell me anything.

- All in good time, son.

Albert. - The kid ready yet?

- Yeah, Danny's briefing him now.

- What time is the auction?

- Half two.

Look, erm...

I've probably got no right to do this, but.

- Sounds ominous.

- Well, it's what you said last night.

I know I'm a soppy old sod sometimes,

but I really love you, you know?

- Well I can assure you the feeling's entirely mutual.

- So what you said, it, well, it bugged me.

Enough to do this.

She's Lilian Cooper now.

Bin it, eat it, use it, set fire to it.

But I care enough about you to give you the choice.

- Thank you.

- Okay, lot number 24.

It's a Victorian semidetached property, three beds,

so a pretty standard example.

Valued at 285,000.

Who'll start me there?

Come on, someone, start me off.

Let's say 220 then?

I have a 220,000 pound bid.

Can I hear 240?

240, thank you.

Can I see 260?

At 260,000 pounds, thank you.

I'm selling at that.

At 260,000 then.

280, I have a new bid at 280.

300,000.

320.

350.

At 350,00 pounds, it's on you sir.

- That's Peter Wainwright's boy.

- I'm selling at 350,000 then.

- What?

- Peter Wainwright, the wine dealer?

That's his son, George.

I don't know what he's doing buying some tatty semi!

400,000 pounds.

- Must be some ruse, knowing Peter.

- I might bid myself!

420.

It's on you, sir, at 420,000 pounds.

450.

500,000 pounds.

550,000 pounds.

600,000 pounds!

I'm selling at 600,000 then.

- I'm stunned, absolutely stunned.

I can't believe we got such a fantastic price!

- Neither can I.

I've just come from signing the papers,

so I can take immediate possession.

- I, I don't, I don't understand.

You bought the house? - Yep!

Now just leave the keys on the table and piss off!

No!

You cheated me!

- Well, strictly speaking,

we didn't actually do anything wrong.

You're just a greedy bitch.

- And you! - Yes?

What?

- You, you... - Spit it out.

- I think the tape's got stuck.

- You really need to watch your temper.

- You'll pay for this!

- You already have!

600 grand, to be precise.

- Are you absolutely, 100% certain?

Yeah?

Great, cheers.

It worked!

She's selling the nursing home!

Albert?

- On my way, on my way.

- Right.

Oh, yes. - Oh, God, here we go,

here we go. - No. I'd like

to propose a toast.

You know, what we did today was a beautiful thing.

Okay, we made a few quid and Eddie's tearing up the bar tab,

but, er, no, it's not all about that.

It's not all about the money.

Write that down!

No, it's about helping those that you care about.

To friends.

- To friends.

- Cheers, Eddie.

- Come here, Eddie.

- Jonathan. - James!

You're back!

- Have you got a moment?

I have a very interesting proposition for you.

- And this is all I need to do?

- It comes from the very top.

The PM has put health care for the elderly

at the very top of his agenda.

So he needs well run homes to hold up as shining examples.

More importantly, he is willing to reward those

who help in this endeavor.

- A knighthood?

- Oh, I couldn't possibly promise such a thing.

- Oh, right, gotcha.

- Are you up for this challenge?

- Abso-bloody-lutely!

I'll put the finance in place,

make this the best damn run home in the country.

- Excellent.

- So what d'you reckon?

I did all right, didn't I?

- Well, you had me bum tweaking there for the odd minute,

but, yeah, you did all right.

- And you know the best news?

We're solvent again!

- Good!

Right, let's have a divvy up.

Then I might teach the kid here how to play poker.

- They're great, aren't they?

- Yeah, yeah, they are.

- Well, I can't believe it.

I'm actually gonna be a real grifter.

- Oh, being a grifter ain't all

champagne and flowers, son.

- What d'you mean?

- You'll find out.

- No, go on, Ash, tell me.

- Well, you can't be like normal people.

Have what they've got.

Things like a proper home, a family.

The stuff everyone else takes for granted.

That's for regular people, not gamblers or grifters.

So, before you start getting excited about where you are,

just think about it.

If you're gonna live the life,

you might be giving up more than you think.

- Danny, why don't you let me?

I can see the card in your hand!

Whoa, Danny's lost!