Original subtitles

Sir Jennings to the infirmary.

I love you, Lance.

I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.

I'll admit that I had a lot more on my mind today than just horseback riding.

I sense

a certain coldness in your kiss, Lance.

Is it because you don't think that I'm good enough for you?

Drexler wants to see you.

My husband's family has owned this land for 200 years.

My heritage is impeccable.

And don't go throwing your blue blood in my face.

Mr. Drexler.

I got the agenda for your cell block meeting, and I wrote Senator Keats about

the import laws you've changed.

I hear you're getting out tomorrow. Is that right, Kurt?

Yes, sir. Oh, I'm gonna miss you. You've been an excellent secretary.

It's a way of working off what I owed you.

Hey, Kurt, I got something for you.

Uh,

uh, this can't be. I mean, where am I supposed to get $35,000?

Curtis! You should have thought of that before you ran up to Dad.

We're in need of a heart-to-heart talk, Kurt.

How long has it been since we had a heart-to-heart talk?

We never had a heart-to-heart talk.

Oh, that's too long.

You come

from a large family, Kurt.

Oh, well, I do.

You know how it is with large families.

They keep in touch.

You know, no matter what little differences they may have, no matter how

far from each other they may be, those family bars, they stay tight.

And your family, Kurt.

Thank you, sir. Sure.

And you're one of my boys.

And like any papa, there comes a time when I gotta be warm and kind.

And there comes a time when I gotta be harsh.

Now, if you should have any trouble whatsoever in... remembering your little

debt to me, then it may become necessary to be harsh.

No matter where you are, Kurt, I'll find you.

And I'm gonna spank you.

I understand.

I'm very patient, man.

You got two weeks.

Time for changes.

Yeah, it's time to change my ways. And what's strange is it's been coming on

for days. I can feel it cause it's in the air.

Feels like changes.

Feels like changes.

It's time for changes.

Time for stepping out at last. Nothing changes if you're living in the past.

If you feel it, then you're almost there.

Feels like changing.

Well, there comes a time when you look back and see the places that you're

leaving and you don't mind.

All that concerns you are your future destinations. Different faces than the

ones you left behind.

Time for changes.

Time to get my life in gear.

Rearrange it.

Find out where I go from here. Can't you feel it? Feel it in the air.

Feels like changes.

It feels like changes.

All right, quiet everybody.

Here we go. Rolling.

Stormwatch, scene five, take one.

And action.

I love you, Lance.

I love you with a love I've never felt before.

Cut. Back to position one, boys.

Cartier, it's Rick you love. Rick was a love you never felt before.

Are you sure?

Do you know your character's name?

Rick? Rick, you see, it's Rick.

Rick. I apologize.

Greg, you must admit that the line bears the teensiest similarity to what I told

Lance last week.

Cartier, I'm trying to get through a day here.

All right, let's go again.

Storm watch, scene 132, take three.

And action.

I love you, Rick.

I can't give you much on a pilot's salary.

I'll request the Asian route and we'll go where Walker can't touch us.

What do you say, Valentina?

I say... kiss me.

Kiss me like you never kissed a woman before.

Ha! It's been a real pleasure working with you, Miss Rand.

Thank you. Frankly, when I got this job, I was very surprised.

Oh, you too?

Wonderful, wonderful scene, Cartier.

Now, we have some insignificant details to wrap up. You can relax, Rex.

What details, Al? Well, I don't know where to start. We have personal

appearances lined up. Celebrity Circus wants you as an elephant girl. A

lingerie line wants to name their pantyhose after you. We have a group of

affiliates flying in who want to meet with you for Champagne Brite.

Ordinarily, I would have said no, but these are major market people. And the

studio has picked up your option for another season of Stormwatch.

What? What did you say?

Honey, you knew they would.

I was just hearing it out loud. It's so chilling. I think we should hold off on

the pantyhose unless they sweeten the deal. Whatever you say.

Al, why are you doing this? You know I hate it. At the network, we found that

love weapon tested very well in all age groups, Miss Rand.

I don't want to be

an elephant girl. I do not want to be tested like a chemical.

And most of all, I passionately do not want to be in love with him. Miss

Cartier, honey, are you listening to me?

No. Well, just stop by the agency tomorrow and we'll talk.

Right. Just right. So long, honey.

Bye.

What's going on?

Oh, Miss Carpenter.

Beats me.

I guess I blacked out temporarily.

Your secretary opened fire on your house, Ms. Rand.

What? I must be more hostile than I thought.

I knew Ms. Carpenter had a little drinking problem, but... Should have

fired her long ago, Cartier.

All right, then. Now, you're the business manager.

Find me a secretary who's not training to be Annie Oakley.

Look, Cartier, you pay a lot of people.

Good money to insulate you from these things. Let us do our job, all right?

All right.

Cartier, what's wrong?

I don't know, Ben. I'm just so fed up with everything.

You work all your life to be a star, and now you're complaining?

It may surprise you to know some people never get to appear on primetime.

Well, I don't want to be a love weapon.

You have a gift.

If it were easy being a love weapon, everyone would be.

Run upstairs, take your nap. I'll finish up here and find you a new secretary.

All right, then.

I'm going to tell you something.

If I have to be treated like a love weapon all day, I want some sanctuary

when I come home at night. So you find me a woman who is going to be like a

sister to me. No, mother.

Better still, find me a grandmother.

Cheryl.

Cheryl, how'd you find me?

Oh, you smell like fish, Kurt.

I'm a fish scraper, Cheryl.

Yeah, well, I got the name of your parole officer and he told me I could

find you here.

Jocko's Cafe ain't exactly as fancy as it sounds, huh? My boss watches me like

a hawk. So how's it going so far?

You sell out any old friends lately?

I thought we could meet somewhere. You creep!

After all I've done for you, and what do I get, huh?

No thanks?

No marriage? No money? You gotta get out of here. You think it's easy for an ex

-con to find a job?

I ain't leaving till I get my cut.

Cut? What cut? Are you nuts?

When I got busted, I gave back every dime. And I gave up so much for you.

I had a future.

And then you come along and you bat those big baby blues at me and suck on

my earlobes for a while and you talk me into doing some stupid oil scam with

you. Shut up!

You owe me, buster!

And I'm gonna collect.

I'm gonna stick to you like garlic.

I'm gonna be on your back until it breaks.

It's not feelings, too, you know?

Got woman troubles?

Well... You need TLC.

I'll meet you on your break.

Don't you think we should maybe wait until we're through with our shift?

You've waited long enough. Besides, I have to get dinner ready for my husband

when he gets off work.

Really? What does your husband do?

He runs a restaurant.

Okay.

What restaurant?

This restaurant.

All right.

Learned pest control from the ground up.

Better jobs in prison.

True enough.

Who are you?

My name is J.J.

Phanopoulos. I'm associate of Phil Drexler's.

You're Phil's collector?

It sounds so janitorial.

I can give you an installment. I got 50 bucks here. That's all I got.

That'll be fine.

That'll be just... The remaining balance of $34,950.

You have a week and a half. You know how long it takes for an ex-con to find a

job? Any kind of job.

I'd have begged to be a fish scraper.

Drexler gave you the number of some people who could help you, huh? Yeah, I

don't want his help. His help is why I'm in this jam.

Got me a soft job in prison. That cost me three grand. Crap games cost me

another seven grand. Ten grand for protection.

I have the file, so I don't need his help.

Look, Drexler runs an empire from that cell of his.

You can't run, you can't hide.

In a week and a half, you could be dead.

You gotta give me more time.

No way.

I can give you, however.

It's a phone number.

And action!

What do you mean Miss Lombardo isn't showing up?

Miss Rand has been without a secretary for three days.

Do you have any idea how taxing her work is?

I love you, Franco.

I've never known a love like this.

If you want our business, Mr. Dean, you will convince Miss Lombardo to delay her

hip surgery.

It's non-elective. She was hit by a bull-noser.

I know that.

Well, I know that, Mr. Folsey.

Referred by Mr. Drexler isn't that nice.

Typing, filing, clerical skills.

I want someone here at 5 o'clock this afternoon.

How in blazes am I going to do that?

Well, Mr.

Folsey, our standards are very exacting here.

I just can't send it over anyone.

Well, congratulations, Mr. Fulsey. This is your lucky day.

One of our out-of-town clients just this second waltzed in here, and it's just

what you're looking for.

Can I send him over tonight?

Him? I told you, Dean, Miss Rand wants a confidante, not some starstruck stud.

She wants a woman, a companion.

Mr. Fulsey, have I ever steered you wrong?

Mr. Taylor here is very capable.

Trustworthy?

Professional.

And gay.

Gay?

Really?

I stake my life on it.

In fact, I stake his life on it.

Well, it just might work out.

Send him over tonight.

Certainly, Mr. Fulsey.

Pleasure, pleasure.

You may have yourself a job or something.

I absolutely refuse.

Hold on. Relax, son. Relax.

Everything's going to be all right.

Let's check something out here.

$35,000.

In a week and a half.

But I'm not gay.

I got a great little resume here for you.

And we'll provide you with the suitable clothes, the cost of which will come out

of your first check. Mr. Dean.

Nice little bonus in here for you. You did his job right.

$35,000 even.

What job could be possibly worth that kind of money?

The layout of Cartier-Rand's security system.

Goodbye. Phil Drexler owns this place.

You think he understands about Ms. Lombardo getting in by a bulldozer? He

does not.

He was counting on her to be our inside liaison.

Look, I don't know. You owe Drexler Cartier-Rand.

You don't owe her nothing.

She's rich and she's famous.

Besides, she don't give a hoot about people like you.

Just the layout to the security system.

And then you freeze the birds.

On the other hand, I don't have to tell you what would happen if you don't pull

this thing off.

Doggone it, Cartier, I don't like it. I thought you was gonna get a female

secretary.

Well, I did too, darling, but Ben says that this man is highly qualified.

Another drink for us?

Thank you, no, Cartier.

Margot.

I guess he's gonna be living here like your last secretary.

Morgan, darling, the man is gay.

Do you think I would really have agreed to this if there was the slightest

chance of him lusting after me?

Cartier, here is my last word.

You know I hate that Hollywood crowd you surround yourself with. They're nothing

but a bunch of parasites, psychopaths, and producers.

But at least they don't live here.

If you've got to have a man living here, and it ain't me, honey, he better be one

bonafide sissy.

Your new secretary's here, Miss Rand.

Show him in Monaco.

Morgan, please, will you relax? You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Morning. Morning.

Did you sleep all right? I slept really fine. Look, I got a meeting with Miss

Rand upstairs, and in just a few minutes... Miss Carpenter used to have

your room.

Right. Did you notice the locks?

Good, strong locks.

In case you should need any privacy.

Okay, thank you.

If you need anything, you just holler.

Oh, I will.

Anything at all.

Come in.

Oh, not so loud.

Morning.

Sit.

Ben tells me you're European trained.

Yes. Well, I've always admired the European secretarial tradition.

Well, you know, strange, because one has heard about the European culinary

tradition and the European ballet tradition, but almost nothing about the

European secretarial tradition.

Well, it's kind of a specialized tradition.

Whatever it is, my main concern is integrity.

I have to put up with insincerity all day long at the studio, and when I come

back here, I want straight talk and straight butt.

I will overlook a forgotten phone message, but I'll kill you if you're

dishonest.

Yes, well, I like to think of myself as being honest.

Well, I like to think I'm gonna buy Texas and live forever, but I wouldn't

count on it.

Sweetheart, can you help me with this thing?

Morgan.

I cannot move. Even my cuticles are hung over.

Mr. Taylor, can you tear yourself away from your dollies for a second?

Oh, yes, sir.

Tell me something, Mr. Taylor.

You must have a certain flair for fashion.

Do you think my shirt matches this tie?

Well, I think it makes the whole ensemble work for me.

And it... brings out the turquoise in your eyes.

I don't know anything about fashion.

I just, uh, know what I like.

Don't we all?

Uh, Sweet Pea, I'll, uh, call you later.

Unless something important comes up.

What a charmer.

I believe in taxes, I believe in real estate, and I believe that secretaries

ought to be women. However, I've been persuaded to bend that belief on account

of your special condition.

Thank you, sir.

But if I were to learn that you were a regular person working closely with my

woman, I would be unrestrained in my disappointment.

And when that happens...

Stampede is safer than I am.

Don't mind Morgan.

He's just a little possessive, that's all.

We've been friends for years.

I think he sees himself as more than a friend. Of course, it's none of my

business. No, it's not. And he does. It's complicated.

You always wear this much jewelry when you jog?

Especially when I jog.

Their weight keeps my biceps toned.

Thought you felt lousy. Oh, I do.

After this, I'll probably feel lousier.

But I like each day to have a theme.

Okay, that's lousy enough.

Well,

look at these places.

Thought you liked some stock in these security systems, huh?

Insecurity's a better word for it.

Everywhere you look, you see silent alarms, electric eyes, killer dogs.

You have killer dogs?

I do have a rather testy parakeet, but I keep all my valuables in the safe. I

know it's a bit old-fashioned.

Must be a drag not being able to trust anybody.

Well, it isn't that I don't trust anybody. I do. I trust...

You really learn to be wary

when everybody wants a piece of you.

Boy, I know how that feels.

You do?

Well, I don't know how that feels on the same scale that you know how that feels,

but, I mean... I mean, compared to you, I've lived rather simply.

Sometimes I think that simple is better.

You know, Miss Rand, I've only seen you on television.

You're a little different than what I expected.

It's the hair.

To be honest, you're a little different from what I expected.

What do you mean?

Well, you don't seem... Could we please jog? I have a very busy morning.

Up and at them.

And she has a small safe in the living room. There's a Japanese kimono hanging

over it. That's where she keeps the big rocks her boyfriend's always given her.

Now, I've already gone over the security system with you. Can I quit now?

Not quite.

The security system you described can only be deactivated by a key.

Yeah, I know that. So what?

Get it.

Now, wait a minute. Nobody said anything about a key.

Nobody knew it was so crucial.

Look, I'm beginning to feel a little weird about this.

I think this lady's beginning to trust me.

So what? Kurt, I explained to you what kind of person Cartier Rand is.

Yeah, well, I'm not so sure you were right about that.

Anyway, I can't get the key. It's just not possible.

You know, boy, I'm constantly amazed.

about this business by what becomes possible, provided a man has a strong

enough motivation.

Cartier, you can't threaten to leave Stormwatch.

You're totally identified with the Valentina Garnett character.

Everyone in every supermarket checkout line sees your face right next to the

sugarless gum, and you know how many people chew gum.

Hal.

No, Arthur, no.

Oh, I like being edged in America's mind next to something that you chew up and

spit out.

You have more to consider here than yourself.

Why, Arthur, why do I? This is my life that we're talking about.

I could have been miserable doing lots of things. I could have been a game show

hostess. Now, there was a time when I was excited and challenged by what I was

doing, and I want that back. Oh, Cartier, honey, you know how hard we

tried to sell the network on that Anthony and Cleopatra thing you wanted

to do last spring? They're not doing period pieces.

I want you to take down every word of this.

Let's not overreact. The networks are doing shows about single working moms,

which, let's face it, Cleopatra just isn't. Are you getting that?

Cleopatra is not a single working mom. Maybe if you wanted to do something

else, like Mother Courage.

Please. Do something else like Mother Courage.

Miss Rand.

I'm asleep.

Cartier, for Pete's sakes, will you just get in the car?

Go away. I want to be alone.

In the middle of Rodeo Drive?

Don't you have some crank mail to answer?

Stop the car, Davis.

All right, look.

I'm sorry you're depressed.

But I think you've got to keep things in perspective here.

And what is that supposed to mean? Just that a lot of people wouldn't find this

the most depressing setting in the world. That's all.

Valentina, I hope your attorney gets you a better settlement than mine got me.

And you can do better than Lance.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, I hate that.

What? Van recognizes you. No, it wasn't me that she recognized. It was Valentina

Garnett. I am Cartier Rat.

Whoever that is. That's not even my real name. I haven't known you all that long.

But from where I stand, it seems to me you got it made.

Okay, now, maybe I'm wrong, but if you're really unhappy with your agents,

why do you let them push you around? Go ahead and quit.

Before you do, I'd think twice.

Because you got a good thing going here, and it's pretty damn scary making a

fresh start. Believe me, I know.

Maybe it's scary, and maybe it's not.

Look, Cartier, I'm sorry. I was probably way out of line.

Cartier, listen.

48! Hello, 48!

48!

Hot

day

for a walk?

Am I fired?

No.

Look, I am sorry. I admit I was wrong.

Oh, I didn't say that you were wrong.

Sit down.

You know, Kurt, it's really interesting, but I can't think of a single soul who

would have said those things that you said to me this afternoon.

That's not to say that I didn't find your outburst exceedingly rude.

Thanks for not firing me.

I owe you.

Mm-hmm.

You certainly do.

My favorite writer on the show is feeling a bit blocked.

And when he's blocked, so is my dialogue.

He thinks he is psychotic. I... I just think he's lonely.

Are you involved with anyone on a permanent basis right now?

Why do you ask?

Admittedly, this isn't your usual bar scene.

You get an older, more professional crowd.

Quite frankly, I've had it up to here with muscle shirts and gaga lights.

Yeah, yeah.

What was that, Kurt? I didn't quite hear you.

Come here often, do you?

Oh, I suppose I do.

Cartier mentioned I think I'm losing my mind.

Why don't you want to take off those dark glasses?

Well, see, I got these drops in my eyes. They're burning me really bad.

Cartier's making noises about quitting, you know. Yeah, I heard that.

She won't.

They make noises, they renegotiate, they shut up.

I've seen it over and over.

You like dancing?

Well, yeah, I do.

No. I mean, talk about two left feet.

Cartier warned me you might be a little shy.

Look, Raymond, my ankles have been killing me. I mean, I mean, I've been

retaining water. She said you need a little coaxing. Yeah, like that gal.

Raymond, I'll be rushing. They can't be real. Raymond, Raymond.

Enough is enough is enough.

Where is that key?

Come on.

Kurt.

Mr. Fosey.

Nice day, huh?

Well, yes, I suppose it is a nice day.

Much too nice to spend with your head stuck in the drawer.

Why was your head stuck in the drawer?

Well, you know, I was just trying to thoroughly familiarize myself with all

the... Oh, I bet you were.

Excuse me?

Kurt, forgive me if I'm blunt, could we just cut the garbanzo? I'm not sure I

know what you mean. I've been going back over your resume.

You have?

Impeccable. MBA from Yale, two years at the Sorbonne, awarded the Silver Cross

for speed alphabetizing.

Yeah, well... And I say to myself, now, why does a guy like this with those

kinds of credentials need this job? I mean, the pay isn't all that great.

Working for Cartier-Rand's no day at the beach.

What's your angle?

Angle? What are your hopes, your dreams?

Where do you want to be a year from now?

Alive. Don't get metaphysical with me. I've been around this town a long time.

I've seen people in your position cozy up to a star, exploit that star's

goodwill for personal gain.

Mr. Fulsey, what are you suggesting? Simmer down.

I'm not suggesting anything. Let me just say I have my eye on you.

Are you trying to say that I don't look honest?

Relax. I'm not saying you're about to rob the place. Why don't we just go take

that typing test? What?

Typing test.

Didn't I mention the typing test?

No. Well, your resume says you type how many words a minute?

I... Oh, yes, 120.

Oh, come on now. Show me what you're made of. Let those fingers fly.

Mr. Falsey, the attorneys are here for their meeting.

All right, put them out by the pool.

We'll get back to that test shortly, okay, Kurt?

Don't worry.

I'm sure you're everything you seem to be.

I don't like you, Kurt.

They say you don't like dating women.

Huh? Yeah. Oh, well, uh, they would be right.

I say, maybe you just haven't met the right one.

After all, what's not to like?

I don't believe it works that way, Monica.

Anyway, with any luck, I'm sure that Kurt's all a-twitter about someone

special he met last night.

Yeah, well...

Look, you're blushing.

Imagine me, America's vixen, a matchmaker.

Wonderful.

You know, this morning while I was doing my leg raises, I started thinking about

your date with Raymond.

Well, it wasn't actually a date.

And I realized that it must take a great deal of guts to have an evening like

that. Tell me about it.

So many men that I know are hiding behind one facade or another.

I really admire your willingness to let the world know who you are.

Well... Time I did the same thing.

What do you mean?

Just like you said on the street, if I'm unhappy on Stormwatch, I should do

something about it. Like what?

I'm leaving the show.

I said that?

Not in so many words, but you did have a certain amount of influence, yes.

Look, Cartier, I don't want you to do anything crazy because of me.

Now, I'm having a little, um...

Due. The house tonight.

Russ Hauser, who plays my husband in the show, and his wife Margot is coming. I

might as well tell him so he can salvage his career.

It's rather embarrassing. I'm becoming decent.

Cartier.

Since Morgan is away at his ranch emasculating bulls, would you mind being

my escort at dinner?

I don't... Oh, I'll... I'll have Wardrobe get you a tux.

Oh, and don't worry about tidying up the desk. I don't leave anything important

in there anyway.

Bye. Bye.

Look at that face, Monica.

Is that a face or is that a face?

All right,

what is going on here? Sure, you gotta get out of here.

Look, what is all this brother-sister stuff, huh, Kurt?

I smell a scam going down and I expect my cut.

What are you talking about?

Look, Buster.

All your life you've been on the take.

You've never cared about anybody but yourself.

Well, maybe someday you will.

And when you do, I hope you get the same dumperoo you've always been giving

everybody else. There's nothing going on here.

Good.

Then you won't mind if I stay a while.

Oh, I'm gonna... Go ahead!

Kill me! After all I meant to you? Kill me!

Take your best shot, buddy. Go ahead. After all I meant to you? Cartier!

Hi. Cheryl?

Cartier-Rand.

The star?

The person.

Monica told me that your little sister was here. You never mentioned you had a

sister. Didn't I?

Do you have dinner plans?

One of my guests has just cancelled at the last minute.

Typical of this town. And I loathe an unbalanced table, don't you?

Besides, I...

Really like a chance to get to know Kurt's little sister.

We'll have cocktails at seven.

Cartier, I realize that you've been quite unhappy there for some time,

but... It's just that after studying at the Royal Academy for all those years, I

really feel I'm not getting the opportunity to stretch beyond the show.

I mean, I want to do some theater. I want to do a Broadway play, a meaningful

film.

Don't you agree, Margot?

Anyway, Russ, what I really wanted to tell you is that I'm thinking of leaving

the show at the end of the season.

Uh-huh.

Well, I appreciate you're not getting hysterical, darling, but I do feel

there's a reaction somewhere between hysteria and uh-huh.

Yeah, well, I'm hysterical.

I mean, I, of course, can only speak for we the nurses, but storm locks without

Cartier bands?

Come on, that's like tuna without mayo.

Thank you. Yeah, many's the night I can remember watching television wherever I

happened to be staying at the time. Cheryl used to move a lot. Yeah, and I

would say to Kurt... I used to visit Cheryl all the time.

Yeah, well, I'd say, hey, Kurt, honey. My sister and I are so close, she calls

me honey.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'd say, hey, Kurt, honey, you know what that Cartier Rand is?

Cartier Rand is a class act.

Of course, Kurt here, being the big con artist that he is, he'd always say,

don't worry, sugar, she don't hold a candle to you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Good night. Good night, everyone.

Thanks, Cartier. Good night. Cartier, why am I supposed to ask Kurt about this

guy named Raymond?

Who the heck... I

just

say

goodnight

Kurt, who is Raymond?

Kurt, I smell something fishy.

Oh, that kid makes me nervous, Mama.

If he ever got a look at Cartier's books, he'd be on to us. He was trained

in the European accounting tradition.

Finish it then.

Drain off the last of her accounts and let's get out of town. Please, I'm

ready. First, I've got to get the books out of the house. I can't just walk out

with them. What can you do? There's always someone here. They'll see you.

There won't be the night of the Emmys.

Cartier's nominated. This place will be dead.

I'll get those books out of here.

Then I'll buy us enough time to split town.

Ben, you're so good.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Anyway,

darling, I really appreciate your understanding about all of this. It was

my pleasure.

Good night, darling.

Good night.

Peanut butter, peanut butter, where are you?

If you were peanut butter, where would you be?

Peanut butter is over there, in that cabinet by the sink.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Do you know that I have lived in this mansion for over two years, and I have

visited this kitchen approximately five times?

Oh, uh...

You get that message that Morgan called?

Oh, yes, thanks.

He'd been out on a roundup. He told me that he had personally branded 34

heifers and couldn't stop thinking of me.

Nice.

It's really a very strange thing about a woman in my position.

So many men are sort of put off by all the fuss, kind of intimidated.

I guess that's why Morgan and I get along so well.

My career means nothing to him.

You know, it seems to me that a lot of things that are important to you really

don't mean a thing to me.

Don't tell me you're getting concerned about my welfare.

I mean, I've never met anybody like you before.

You know, you want people to think you're so tough, but I know how much you

really care about things.

It seems to me that one thing in the world that you're really still in need

of is a good friend.

You see, Morgan and I, well,

we became lovers, but we're not very good friends.

I don't know how things are with you and Raymond.

Things aren't any way with me and Raymond.

Yes, well, some men do seem to equate sex with a total relationship, don't you

think? Do they? Don't they? I wish you wouldn't do that.

Do what?

Talk to me about men like I was a girlfriend. I feel like we're at a

pajama party.

Well, it's just that you don't view male-female relationships like

other men view male...

Relationships. Yes, I do.

I mean, relationships are relationships.

Even a vegetarian knows what to do with a hamburger.

Yes, well, whatever you say.

Yeah, let's just forget it.

Kurt, we can still insult each other, and we can still be friends, okay?

I don't think being friends is such a good idea.

That's what you said that I needed. Yeah, you don't need me.

Hey, look, I didn't mean to hurt you. Look, just forget it, really.

Would you turn on the alarm system when you go up?

Here, I have this key made for you. It's the key to the security system.

You sure you want me to have this?

Yes. I trust you.

Good night.

So he came through for you, huh?

Curt Taylor's a man of his word, J.J.

Besides, I explained to him that if he didn't produce that key, we would not

only track him down... We tracked down every last relative, friend, and pet he

ever had. Lean.

Very hard.

In my opinion, we should get rid of them anyway.

Oh, not so fast, J.J.

I told them to stay put up in that house, because on Emmy night, when Miss

Rand discovers her baubles are missing,

somebody's got to take the fall.

And I think young Curtis will fill that bill very nicely.

Don't you?

You look lovely today, Valentina. What do you want, Walker? You're only kind

when you want something.

Valentina, I've just spoken to your doctor.

Yes, Walker.

Well, there's no easy way to say it, baby. You've got hemophilia?

That's impossible.

It's a...

Very rare strain, possibly a food allergy.

But, Walker, isn't it often fatal?

Yes.

Now, just a minute.

Are they serious?

Apparently, Cartier. They can't do this to me. I may quit, but I will not be

erased.

Hello?

How was my day?

Not so good. Thank you for asking.

Come in.

It's just been a hell of a day, man.

You've done a lot to this place.

I haven't done a thing with it.

Well, thank God. It's really terrible.

Look, honey, um...

I know you don't really approve of me, and I know that some of my problems

aren't really very important to you, but there's just nobody to speak to in this

whole mammoth monstrosity of a house. Cartier. I don't know why, but I just

feel that I can talk to you.

And even though you said you didn't want to be my friend, I'd pay you good money,

damn it, and I think you should at least try and listen to some of my problems.

Oh, I hate crying.

You have days when you just want to cry. Yeah, I do. Today.

Well, why don't you cry then? I feel like an idiot doing this alone.

I don't cry so easy.

Well, neither do I.

I fight it.

I fight it with every fiber of my being. I'm a very strong woman. Yes, you are.

You are a very tough cookie.

If we were in a movie now, we would be in some... some little cottage in the

woods in the pouring rain.

You'd be Burt Lancaster and I'd be... Cartier-Rand.

Why don't we slip out of these wet clothes, you'd say?

No. What no? Oh, I can't do this to you. Why not?

Am I out of my mind? I'm toying with your emotions as if your feelings

counted for nothing.

I mean, this is absurd.

Here I am. I'm lonely. I'm depressed. And so I come up here and I start

kissing you and you can't possibly have been enjoying it. It's something that I

could learn to put up with. Oh, Kurt, Kurt.

My life is complicated enough without adding you to the list of complications.

I'm sorry about this, Kurt. I promise you, it will not happen again.

What?

What do you like for the Emmys tonight, Mr. Wayne?

Oh, I don't want to bet, Mr. Drexler.

I can't afford it.

Hey, your lack of fortitude disappoints me.

I mean, have you visited our credit department lately?

Well, I didn't know.

Oh, here's our credit department now.

Lieutenant Dean sent your message.

I'm about to become a wealthier man, gentlemen.

Well, congratulations.

And if Lyndon's plan goes nicely, Mr. Curt Taylor will be rejoining us.

Poor Curt. Now just a few days and already involved in a jewel robbery.

Be grateful you're in here with me, gentlemen.

It's an ugly world out there.

It's the usual.

Yeah, clear.

It's Emmy time again here in the Pacific.

Monica,

will you come and help me with the dress?

I'm coming.

I don't know what's wrong.

I just can't seem to do up this dress.

You're just nervous, that's all.

Nervous? Why should I be nervous?

Do you think I care about an Emmy Award?

Do you think I really need a small gold statuette to validate my career?

Yes.

You know, I've suddenly come to realize how really brutal honesty is called for.

I'll get your man, Tia.

Would you?

Kurt!

Kurt! Kurt, where are you?

Isn't your tuxedo a little new wave?

Cartier, I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

What am I... Man's going to think the love weapon can't get a date.

I don't feel very good. So suffer. Tonight's my night. Tomorrow I'll buy

you a little iron lung or something.

Look, I know you can't understand right now, but... I know. It's a stupid kiss,

wasn't it? Look, I admit that must have been a revolting experience for you, but

just please try and forget it ever happened for the kipper. I'm not going,

Cartier. I'm sorry, but I'm not going.

All right.

I understand.

That's what friends do, isn't it?

You don't want to be friends, do you?

Monica!

Well?

Oh.

Monica, you have the evening off, right?

Why? Yeah, I do.

Enjoy yourself.

Hold it right there.

Look, I'm sorry, but I can't let you go through with it. You see, it's become a

personal matter.

I don't like guns, Mr. Panopoulos, but I had to stop you. Let's face it, you're a

pretty big wheel.

Not so big, I think, as David.

As David? No, no, I think you got that wrong.

You see, it was Goliath who was the big guy, remember?

Yeah, I'm sure I'm right. David was this little guy.

David?

David.

Wow.

Oh, Cartier, Cartier, Cartier. I got here as quickly as I could. What

happened? Why do I have to be the one to tell you this? It is just horrible.

Well, what happened?

Your jewels are gone.

All the big stones that Morgan gave you. And my car. My car was stolen, too. And

for some reason, they stole the financial ledgers as well. Well, was

anyone hurt?

Where's Kurt?

Well, that's the thing. Cartier, Kurt's the one who did it.

Look, Mr.

Dean.

What's the point in keeping me here, huh?

You got the jewels for Drexler.

Nobody knows you're involved.

Of course, I'm not going to say anything.

Well, you're right about that part, anyway.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Phil Drexler's never going to see these jewels, Kurt.

Now, here's the story.

We showed up at Cartier Rand's house, but you'd already beat us to the jewels.

We caught up with you, and then the ensuing shootout, you sort of got blown

to bits.

Of course...

You'd already hid the jewels and, uh... Gosh, if I know where they might be.

Nah, it'll never work.

Dressler's too sharp.

He'll be watching you guys like a hawk.

You'll never be able to fence that stuff. Never. Not in this country, but

we'll lay low for a bit in my place if it's still low, but, uh... I know a man

there'll be glad to help us out.

Wait a minute, Jim.

Wait a minute.

I'll make a deal with you.

$10,000, I keep my mouth shut, I won't say a word.

Five thousand dollars. Take it or leave it.

Well, you got a lot of spunk, boy.

That'll earn you some points.

Thanks. Not enough points.

Break his fingers before you shoot.

I trusted him.

He ate at my table. He slept under my roof. He even kissed me.

No wonder he asked me all those questions about the security system. No

wonder he wanted to know where I kept my jewels.

No wonder he didn't go with you to the M.E.C. Yes, that too.

Now you keep away from me with that, because I want to be wide awake when

they've tracked that rat down.

Are they still horsewhip thieves? Because I've got a horsewhip around here

somewhere. I personally knew he was a criminal type all along.

It's in the eyes. Beady. Very beady. Absolutely.

Of course. Everybody knew it except me.

I actually thought that we were becoming friends.

But as usual, all he wanted was something from me, just like anybody

else.

Cartier, the award show just called. Darling, you won.

Who cares?

Rex, sit.

I'm sure we can work something out here.

We're going in the storeroom, then you run, then I shoot you in the back.

Well, that sounds like a heck of a plan, Dave.

What if I don't run?

Then I'll shoot you in the stomach.

I see.

Now, you run.

You want me to run? Then I shoot you.

What if you miss? I never miss.

I don't know, Dave. It's pretty dark in here.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay!

Kurt?

Kurt?

Open the door, Kurt.

No!

All four here.

Valentina, I spoke to your doctor today.

He asked me to talk to you.

It seems as though your hemophilia is getting worse.

There is one chance for you, though.

It seems there's a young researcher in Nova Scotia. He's frantically searching

for a cure.

Frantically, Walker?

Is it... Is it because of me?

Because he's going blind.

Oh. And cut!

All right, 10 minutes, everybody.

Wonderful, Cartier. Russ, you did it again. Why are they doing this to me? I

can't quit the show. I'm too depressed to leave.

Good morning, Russ.

I think they just want some insurance, Cartier, in case you ever get happy

again. Oh, I will. Let go of my purse!

Let me go! Keep your hands off of me!

Let me go, you creep!

All right.

Where is he?

Where is he? I know you've done something with him. You mean your

brother? He's not my brother.

He's not your brother?

No. Now, where is he?

Nobody runs out on me.

Well, I don't have him. That treacherous rat stole my jewels.

I knew he was up to something.

The minute I saw him in your house, I knew he was up to something.

How did you know?

He's always up to something.

Did you know about him?

What do you think he was doing time for?

Doing what?

You heard me.

Morgan.

Doing time. Doesn't that mean... In the slammer? Up the river? In the pokey?

Yes, I knew the guy was a crook the minute I first laid eyes on him. Me too.

I suppose Morgan told you Kurt's resume phony as a $3 bill.

Cartier, I'm afraid you bought yourself a real doozy this time.

Next,

we will visit the Studio Lake, where not only John Wayne, but the Marx Brothers

made some of their greatest pictures.

We call it Duke's Soup.

I don't know why he took the books.

Maybe he was planning on pulling something else. Maybe he's a check

forger, too. You two can bicker about this all you want.

I'm through for the day.

I'll be right with you, sweetheart.

Morgan

will

be out in a minute, Davis.

Thanks for being so calm.

Help! Help!

Will you unlock this door?

Cartier, I gotta talk to you.

Let me out of this car! No, please!

The hell's Cartier doing with her chauffeur?

Morgan! Morgan, help! Morgan, I'm here!

Hey! Morgan!

Don't let go! Shut up!

Flat terraces. I'm gonna have that Tootie Fruity's head.

Cartier, listen to me. I didn't rob you last night.

The reason I stayed home was to try and prevent the robbery.

And how did you happen to know that my house was going to be robbed that night?

There was nothing about it in my horoscope.

That's where the whole thing gets a little sticky.

I'll admit, when you first hired me, I tried to find out everything I could

about your jewels and your security system.

Oh, that does sound so innocent.

I owed a fortune to this guy back in prison.

Well, I told myself...

But you're probably a stuck-up rich jerk who wouldn't miss a couple of diamonds.

You are warming the cockles of my heart with every word you're saying.

Cartier, they said they'd break me in half if I didn't cooperate.

But after I got to know you, that didn't matter so much.

So I decided to try and stop them, and it didn't work out so hot.

Are you trying to tell me that you...

You risked your neck to prevent the robbery?

Why?

I guess because you believed in me.

More than I believed in me.

Besides, you said you'd kill me if I wasn't honest.

Kurt, do you really expect me to believe all this?

Could have just split, you know.

I want every available highway patrolman you got on this thing.

I want them around the clock, and I want them border to border.

That's right.

I just do not understand why you can't go to the police and tell them all of

this. I mean, after all, you are the innocent victim.

Cartier, I wasn't an innocent victim.

At the very least, I broke parole.

Well, I have got a wonderful lawyer for you. He was sensational in my last

divorce. In or out of prison.

I'm dead meat.

Phil Drexler, the guy I owe money to back in jail, is a very powerful man.

Until he gets his jewels... My jewels?

Until he gets your jewels, he's gonna be looking for me under every rock in the

world.

It's not good.

Cartier, you take the car and go.

I'm gonna pack up some things and get out of here.

See you on TV, huh?

Okay. Okay, I think we lost him.

All right.

I'll get out here.

And what do I do? Just forget you know me.

Stay where you are.

What? I said stay where you are and listen to me.

Now, I can forgive breaking and entering and conspiring with criminals, but I

cannot abide a quitter.

You reduce insurmountable odds by beating them.

Must I trot out stories of Vasco da Gama and Louis Pasteur, not to mention my own

tiny triumphs? No.

Is it your plan to skulk around for the rest of your life, forever looking over

your shoulder? Or how would you like to try living with dignity?

Cartier, the man wants those jewels.

Well, then let him have them.

What? Look, you told me that you knew where Lyndon Dean and that hulking Greek

were, right? So we go there.

We get the jewels, and then we give them to Drexler. They're in Mexico.

I love Mexico, and I haven't been for years.

Even assuming we get to Mexico, what do we do once we get there?

We improvise.

Every good actor learns to think on their feet.

Cartier, these people are killers.

You know, I think we should get rid of this car, and I think this dress might

be a bit much.

Oh, boy.

I can't stand it anymore.

I've got to know your real name.

I can't tell you that. You'll laugh.

I won't laugh.

You tell me what you were imprisoned for, and I'll tell you my real name.

Phony oil stocks. I sold shares to wells that were never there.

Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Well, come on, Cartier, it's your turn.

This is really difficult. We got a deal here!

I promise you won't laugh.

I won't laugh.

I

haven't

told anyone that in years.

I've been asleep long

You should get a little nap, Kirk.

You know, a makeup man that I knew once told me that a little nap is as good as

eight hours sleep.

Is that a magazine about that?

If it is, it must be a big one. They got... That's no accident.

That's a roadblock.

What? We've got to get off this road.

They're looking for us.

Hey, Sarge, look at that VW.

Can't you go any faster?

We'll probably move the roadblock to another position by morning.

You're finished here. Meet me at the front of the road.

How close are we to the border?

We're close, but we can't go any further.

It's gonna be dark soon. We need the daylight to see. I want to stick to the

dirt roads as much as I can.

I saw a sign for a little motel about an hour back.

Great. Great. Okay.

We'll take it slow. Now, I'm gonna stay on the clay.

I have a damn comfortable feeling that you've done this sort of thing before.

You have as much fun with your last secretary.

The White House has not responded to the demands and has adopted a wait-and-see

attitude toward this latest development in the Middle East. Coming up next, the

latest turn of events in the Cartier-Rand kidnapping.

Uh,

uh, Cartier, you better come in and hear this.

What? They're saying that I kidnapped you. No wonder everybody's after us.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not. That's not funny. When this is over, they'll see that I wasn't

kidnapped.

I could call Barbara Walters, but she might think that you've got a gun to my

head.

Oh, you don't mind, do you?

No, I, uh... I'm fine, really.

Cartier-Rand, known to millions as Valentina Garnett... A popular TV show,

Stormwatch, is still missing today and efforts to find her are being

intensified. The kidnapper is believed to be her male secretary who just a

couple of nights ago robbed the Rand mansion of several million dollars in

jewels. Would you listen to that? Miss Rand's character on Stormwatch recently

developed hemophilia and now her absence is being explained by her sudden death.

What? Her co-star, Russ Hauser, recently learned that his wife of several years

has fled with a lover who's been revealed as Ben Folesy, Miss Rand's

business manager. What?

Could Margot possibly see in Ben?

As we reported earlier, Bolsey has left the country and he is suspected of

embezzling almost the entirety of Cartier-Rand's fortune.

That. Coming up next, a perspective on the Cartier heist by Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I'm wiped out.

Wait a minute. What about that big rock you got on your finger?

Oh.

This is Valentina Garnett's. It's as phony as her name. Or mine.

I don't know what to say. And Margot.

I always thought she was frigid.

Look, I'm sorry. I really am.

Oh, Lord.

Come here.

You don't have to do this, Kurt.

I'll be all right, honestly.

It's okay. It's okay.

No, I know that we got a little carried away last time, and I know that this

puts a tremendous strain on you.

Lieutenant, this just came.

Taylor got away.

I don't understand. Davis never failed us before.

What if Curt Taylor gets to Drexler and tells him the truth about those jewels?

Wire David, tell him to use every contact he has.

I want that troublemaker put out of commission.

What are you thinking?

Oh, just a fantasy, J.J.

Wouldn't I love to see Curt Taylor walk through that door right now?

We could break his neck with our own hands. Lyndon, he's not crazy.

That kid's a million miles away from here.

Hey, you want to blend in, don't you? Besides, my plan may fall through the

skies. Oh, really? And you've already come up with a plan, huh? Not yet, but I

will, I will. I think of my feet, remember?

Well, I hope your feet come up with something real good.

I'll take my feet over that ridiculous gun that you bought any time. What is

that thing?

Cartier gets all I could afford after all the money you spent on your stupid

disguises.

Arthur,

you got those ratings?

You see the numbers on Stormwatch?

Four points.

I knew this would happen.

This whole kidnapping thing has made Cartier hotter than ever.

You know, I had three movie offers for her since she disappeared.

But Al, what if she doesn't come back? What are you talking about? Of course

she'll come back.

Sometimes they don't, people who are kidnapped.

She'll come back because it would be a completely insane career move for her

not to. You're not hearing me.

And it would destroy me personally if she didn't.

Stupid tire!

Shoot.

Kurt.

About last night.

Yeah, what about last night?

Well, um...

We haven't really talked about last night.

Oh.

Well, since you're obviously not in the mood to talk about it, then I will.

I was a little startled by last night, but then I've been a little startled by

a lot of things in the past few days.

See, I have found myself getting strongly attracted to a man who insists

that he's gay.

Cartier. Now, you can't imagine how awkward this has felt. And it has felt

even more awkward.

when I found myself in bed with said man.

Courtney, I'm not gay.

No kidding.

I was gonna tell you. Well, you know, Kurt, I could just about figure that out

for myself. What I don't understand is why you didn't tell me before.

Because I didn't know how.

I mean, after everything that's happened, I just couldn't admit to

another lie.

Every single time that I get to trust you, you do something to destroy that

trust. Just when I was beginning to think that you were totally honest, you

have the audacity to go to bed with me and you're not even gay.

I think I'm falling in love with you. I mean, you... What?

I said I think I'm falling in love with you.

That's what I thought you said.

Guess you don't feel the same way, huh?

Good. I mean... Just a minute.

In the last day, you've gone from gay secretary to straight gangster.

I couldn't even keep score.

Cartier, I am not a gangster.

Whatever.

What? I'm just thinking.

Well, what?

I've got no money.

I've got no job.

I'm running around Mexico with a guy who kidnapped me, looking for some crooks

who are probably going to shoot at me.

Yeah, so?

Best I've felt in years.

Remember to tell Maurice we won't give him the time of day for less than two

million. I'll remember.

I wish you were handling this.

Can't. I want to take care of Taylor before he gets to Drexler.

You think this thing will make it to the book of the bio?

Hells bells, J.J. You think I'd stick two million dollars' worth of jewels in

a plane that can't fly?

You must have done this a thousand times, eh, Jorge?

He's much more enthused than he looks.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'm going to go in the village.

Get this plane fuel.

Let's get ready you want to get out of here before dark

Are you sure that's it? Yeah, yeah. I saw a picture of it in Lyndon's office.

So what do we do now?

I thought this is where you're supposed to start thinking on your feet.

Right.

I'll listen outside that back window and see how many of them there are.

No, no, no. I'll go. No!

Are you kidding?

I'll kill you as soon as they recognize you. Besides, I don't want to be left

out here with a VW.

I'll drive a stick.

Oh, you don't think they're going to recognize you?

I am an actress.

Like the chameleon, Cartier-Rand can disappear... Oh, Cartier.

Ta-da!

Did I win an Emmy or did I win an Emmy?

Buenos dias.

Oh!

You can drop the downstairs Spanish, Miss Rand.

Where's Curt Taylor?

All right, drop the gun, Phenopolis. Drop it!

Back up. Back up.

Chameleon, huh?

I tried.

Okay, where are the jewels?

See, I told you I'd come up with a plan. I distracted this thug long enough for

you to get the drop on him. Not a complicated plan, I'll admit, but a very

effective one.

All right, don't try anything up there.

Are Jules inside the plane?

Kid, do yourself a favor and get out of here.

We'll rip you to shreds. Listen, you.

You're not dealing with a couple of garden-variety hoodlums here, you know.

Uh, Cartier.

Just do not forget who has that gun trained on whom. Would you just check

inside the plane and see if the jewels are in there?

All right, Kurt.

Thanks.

Kurt, I don't think there's any need to yell at each other in front of these

crooks, do you?

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Move it!

Kurt, there's a suitcase here.

Start the engine!

What? Claudia, get in.

I said start that engine!

Cut! We're not going up in this thing.

See if you get shot at.

thing's wings are.

He's gonna tear our w-

Thank you.

Mr. Drexler, you have a visitor.

Mr. Drexler?

Yeah.

There's a bank not far from here called the Mountain First National.

Are you familiar with it?

What about?

The safe deposit box has been rented there in the name of Marilyn Halifax.

And who the hell is Marilyn Halifax?

Mr. Drexler, how should I know who Marilyn Halifax is?

But if one of your associates takes this address that I'm going to give you, gets

a key, goes to the bank and opens the box, you will find, I believe, the

property that you've been waiting for.

What property?

You've heard no doubt of the Cartier affair.

What about it?

This is all courtesy of Curt Taylor.

But if I give you this address, I want your assurance that his debt to you will

be paid in full.

Hey, lady, if what you say is there, is there, yeah.

And you promise that you'll leave him alone?

What do I look like, some cheap hood?

Yes.

Kurt, did you really spend the last of our money on this remarkably cheap

champagne? Nope. You spent the last of our money on that remarkably cheap

dress.

Cheers.

You know, a part of me... A part of me is wondering how I'm gonna get back to L

.A.

And what I'm gonna do when I get there.

And where I'm gonna sleep tonight.

Another part of you doesn't care?

That's a part of me I've almost forgotten about.

Boy, you sure was right about this place.

Who?

I worked on a chain gang with a guy near this hill.

Said you could sit here when the moon was full.

And it was the most beautiful sight this side of heaven.

That man was obviously a poet.

He was in for aggravated assault.

So, Cartier... What about tomorrow?

I'm just looking at the moon.

Thank you.