Original subtitles

Jesus.

- Ma Mac. - Well, good morning, Mr. Harrelson.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm just sitting here enjoying the Lord's first kiss of sunshine.

How'd you sleep, sweet prince?

Not great. As you might recall, I got shot.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm sorry you didn't get your beauty rest.

We got some nice Apple Cinnamon Cheerios in there.

Want me to rustle you up a bowl?

So you're not still mad about last night?

I'm still absolutely furious with you.

My insides are steaming like a crawfish boil.

But you know, I'm not worried because I got a solution.

Which is?

I'm gonna get your patchouli stanking ass kicked out of here

before you cause any more trouble.

You think that you've seen the last of those geriatric assassins?

They're gonna be coming here for you. And I can't have that.

You need to be long gone.

You crossed a line, Harrelson.

And once you cross that line, there's no coming back.

French toast stick?

Well, today we're heading out there, into the world, where the people are.

- Okay, little mermaid? - Yeah.

And because we haven't announced that you're running yet,

you know, today's like a dress rehearsal, all right?

And I know you actors love a challenge,

so think of it like you are preparing for the role of a lifetime.

You're playing Matthew McConaughey if he was a normal person.

Easy. 'Cause I am a normal person.

You're so funny.

Is your wife laughing, like, 24-7?

Hey.

- Hey, how are you? - Nice to meet you all.

- Come on, now. - Whoo!

Vanilla. And you like?

Yeah.

- How are we doing, bud? - Good.

Hey, Matthew. Do you want to hold my baby boys?

Yeah, yeah.

He wants mama back. All right.

Hey, McConaughey!

- Hey! - You got a joint?

Be a lot cooler if you did.

Hey. How you doing?

- How are you doing? - Good to see you.

- And we give them structure... - Boys.

- I got my... - Say barbecue.

- Barbecue. - Awesome.

- Got 'em all? - Nice.

Hey, babe. Who have you been giving my number out to?

I keep getting these calls from grizzly old men

just talking about you and your father,

and phone books, and smaller phone books.

This is my business phone.

If you want a silly phone for all the people you meet on your travels,

then we'll get you your own.

Oh, my God. They're calling again.

Okay, honey.

- Listen to me. Oh, fuck... - Oh, Jesus.

I shot up too quick.

- All right. - These are bad dudes,

and I want them to think that I'm far, far away from here,

so just answer the phone, "Aloha."

- No, you answer the phone. - No, you answer it.

You answer the phone! They're your friends.

They are not my friends.

- Answer it. Oh, my God. - They wanna kill me!

- Just answer it. - All right.

Hello-ha.

Aloha.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you right now.

- Red-ringed parakeet. - There's... There's...

- Red-winged parakeet. - Red-ringed.

Red-ringed parakeet. Very loud, annoying bird.

- Indigenous to Hawaii. - Indigenous to Hawaii.

Woody Harrel...

Oh, no, Woody can't come to the phone right now.

He's swimming.

Surfing in the Hawaiian sea, which is also known as the Pacific Ocean.

Put him on now.

Yes, he is in Hawaii.

Motherfucker sprung town.

Son of a bitch.

That was tremendous.

I mean, you ever thought about acting?

Just tell me what the hell is happening.

Okay, don't worry about those old guys.

Because the truth is, I've learnt something which,

if it is true, I mean, like, really, really true, then poof.

This reality, gone,

and we are over the rainbow in a whole 'nother universe,

full Matrix,

down the rabbit hole, Narnia vibe.

You follow me?

How long were you upside down?

It involves Matthew.

God. This is all very dramatic.

Honey, of course I'm dramatic.

- I'm a fucking thespian. - Okay, Woody, I love you,

but I'm worried that your brain is fried like a plantain.

- Really? - I can't carry this for you right now.

Okay, and neither can Matthew. Okay?

He's got a lot on his plate.

Like, this whole governor thing.

He does not need whatever chaos you're trying to create.

Honey,

Ma Mac is actively trying to kick us out as pronto as possible.

I have got to talk to somebody about this or I might explode.

Okay, please tell someone else about this conspiracy

that I'm sure is very, very real. Please, let's just have a quiet day.

I can't make any guarantees.

Please can I share--

Can I steal this handsome gentleman from you for a moment?

Excuse me a second.

- Matthew, this is my new friend, Lucy... - Hey.

...and we actually were just talking politics,

which I know you have a keen interest in.

So...

I just have to say, I'm a huge fan.

I've seen Dallas Buyers Club 84 times.

Thank you, Lucy.

I'm actually kind of having a hard time right now.

My mom's recently passed and we're trying to sell her home.

But because of the chapter 313 abatements,

and how they specifically affect rural IDs,

we're suffering the consequences of the program's expiration.

So, do you have any thoughts on that? I mean, what do you think?

Yeah, that is... That is a toughie.

What do you think, Matthew?

- Abate? - The abatements.

The 313 you said?

We first gotta answer the questions why was three and three...

313 passed in the first place.

And then, who did it help, and why, and how?

Where, when, who?

You being you.

You said rural ISD?

You know, we're gonna come from the outside in,

look at it objectively

before we subjectively, you know, before we can...

Oh, my God. I'm getting a text message actually.

The... Your biggest horse is out

- and running around on the farm. - Uh-oh.

You're gonna have to lasso it to the ground.

- Sorry. - He's the only one that can do that.

He's the only one strong enough. So we should run and go deal with that.

- So... - Sorry about your mother.

Yeah. So nice to meet you.

Thank you for that.

Obviously I need to brush up a little bit on my policy.

Yeah, brush up on policy, how about?

'Cause I don't think you can just make up for that

in the swimsuit and talent portion.

All right, Miss Congeniality?

Campaigning is not a Lincoln ad, Matthew.

You can't just stare out a window, and spout some stupid bullshit,

and hope that roads get fixed.

All right? Okay, I need you to know this stuff, Matthew.

Issues that matter to voters.

- Okay? I need you to know-- - I'll be ready, okay. I'll be ready.

Hey. This campaign is everything to me, okay.

It might be a vanity project for you, but to me it is everything.

I don't have a husband, I don't have children,

I don't have a permanent residence.

I haven't been to the dentist in 17 years, because I am busy.

Okay. Those all sound like predicaments that predate me, but let me be very clear.

This campaign means everything to me, all right?

That's why I'm running for governor.

And, yes, I've got some work to do.

That will not work on the campaign trail.

Okay, I understand that.

But when I tell you I'll be ready, I'll be ready.

Do you want me to send you some podcasts?

All right. Be cool, McConaughey.

Breathe it out. Breathe it out.

Jurisdiction two.

Got it.

- Is he okay? - Yeah, he does this when he's anxious.

You know? It makes him feel like he's in control.

Clean house, clean mind.

Can't lose.

You know, he bleached the inside of the chimney

when he was preparing for Sing 2.

God, can he come clean our bus?

Right.

God, I live on a bus.

You don't belong there.

Recidivism.

Ding.

Morning, Wyatt. Bud, why aren't you dressed?

Hey, Dad. I was just doing my morning journaling, and then--

Hey.

I see River has not had breakfast.

- It's your turn to feed him, yeah? - Yeah. Sorry about that.

Aunt Joy kinda colonized the kitchen.

Morning.

You okay if we move all the meat to the garage freezer?

I'd prefer if you did not, but...

What do we got here?

- Morning, Clara. - Morning.

Hey, no devices before breakfast.

- You know that. - Oh, my God. Sorry.

That's my fault. I gave her my phone.

Shut it down, go get breakfast.

- Okay. - Hey, Wyatt.

Buddy? Come on, dude.

- Go get dressed. You got chores. - Cool.

Actually, Kai's using my bathroom.

I wanted to give her space.

Hey. Mind if I borrow your hoodie?

I'd prefer if you didn't.

Kind of already did.

Matthew.

Yeah?

Is it just me or do the Harrelsons need to leave already?

It feels like it's been a week of chaos ever since they got here.

- Yeah, yeah. - Matthew,

are you aware that River's on top of the bus right now,

and Woody showed him how to climb it?

No.

River! Come on down!

I'm surprised you're okay with this Harrelson invasion.

I've seen the way Woody's wife looks at Matthew.

Okay, enough, all right? We're happy that the Harrelsons are here.

Of course we are.

And I'm glad you two aren't feeling cornered

by all those extra hippy-dippy kids running around.

It's just two girls.

Which means you're not the hot young thing anymore.

Hey, you mind if I borrow your grandmother?

So this is your big plan now?

Smear campaign against my family?

What? I'm just a sweet, old lady waiting for the good Lord to take me home.

You know, I'm not going anywhere

until I find out the truth about me and Matthew.

I'm not scared of you, Ma Mac.

Oh, man. She's scary.

Hello, Father.

Daughter, there is a matter I wish to discuss with you.

Why are you being so dramatic?

Why does everyone keep saying...

Listen...

Ma Mac, the other night,

told me that she knew my father, like, knew him.

- Okay? - Biblically.

And she implied Matthew's dad may well not be his dad.

Which means...

You and Matthew might be brothers?

- Yes. - Holy shit.

Holy shit.

I mean, are you okay? How do you feel?

Am I okay? I feel everything.

He's my best friend.

It would be amazing.

But, also, his dad is everything to him,

and maybe it would break his heart.

Maybe it would fuck up his campaign.

Maybe it would end our friendship.

I don't know. And I can't say anything to anyone until I know for sure.

I've just been carrying this.

I haven't been able to tell anybody, and it's been eating me alive.

Okay. I mean, I'm so sorry, Dad.

Also, why are you telling me this?

I needed a great mind,

and you are the smartest person I know.

Thanks.

Okay. We're gonna order a DNA test.

We're gonna collect some of Matthew's hair or saliva.

Already great ideas.

And then we're gonna send it off to a lab to get it tested.

Should just take a couple of weeks.

We don't have a couple of weeks.

I don't think Ma Mac wants me to know.

She's been angling to get us kicked out of here.

Okay, so then we need to come up with an idea so she can't do that.

Right.

Right, right, right.

I have one foolproof way that I have used in the past to great success.

You are not gonna get a--

Hey, kiddos!

Oh, my gosh, a puppy.

That's right.

An adorable little puppy just for you.

Wood, no puppy for us. Thank you very much.

That's not happening. Nonnegotiable.

What in God's name is going on here?

It's just good old Uncle Woody bestowing upon Matthew and his family

the greatest gift of all...

- love. - Love? Uh-huh.

And some chewed up furniture, and six pounds of turds

that you know who is gonna have to clean it up.

- No. - No, no, dude, you can leave it.

It's actually good for the soil.

I'm not gonna leave shit all over my yard.

It's not gonna be that much shit.

I mean, Little Woody's just a puppy.

- Little Woody? - Well, whatever they wanna call him.

I love my Little Woody.

Well, yeah.

Kiddos, enjoy it for the next couple of hours, but that's not our dog.

Don't forget, you got chores you gotta finish by sundown.

Sir. Yes, sir.

Hey, sorry, but what is happening here?

Sometimes when things get sort of crazy and out of control,

my dad starts acting like a general and he gets us in line,

you know, sort of...

I mean, don't you ever get disciplined?

Only if we do something really bad,

but then I just play the adopted card and my dad gets weird and drops it.

Well...

- What? - Pretty good, huh?

Dogs are glue.

How many families on the verge of divorce,

they get a dog, shaboom, two more years?

You know, it doesn't really make sense to me,

but you might be a low-key genius.

Say what?

Nothing low-key about it, you know.

I mean, I always thought of myself as book smart and street smart,

but now I really gotta throw genius into the mix.

Yeah.

Look, I know your dad asked us to rake leaves,

but is this even still your property?

Oh, shoot. Look.

Check it out. It's a red-oak acorn.

You got an acorn?

Wait. In the forest? That's... That is unbelievable.

Yeah, well. You know, I used to collect these when I was younger.

I thought it was cool what they represent, you know?

Well, that explains so much.

Almost too much.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just... I liked the idea that no matter how small the acorn is,

one day it's gonna grow into this giant oak. You know, and...

Well...

Like, here, maybe anytime you doubt yourself

or forget how awesome you are,

you can think about this acorn,

and you can think about how strong you are.

Obviously I'm joking though.

I'm... Mainly it's like a metaphor-joke thing.

It's... I'm not really, like, an acorn collector.

I don't have an organized shelf or anything in my bedroom or...

Hey. It's really sweet.

Thank you. Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, let's go.

- Okay, can you roll over? - Little Woody!

Here. There's some treats over here.

Roll over. Down.

Uh-huh.

- Little Woody, can you roll? - Little Woody!

- Roll, please. - Hey, Clara? Clara, sweetie.

Hey, can we... Can we get back to our chores, please?

He won't roll over for me, Dad.

Well, that's because training a dog takes a lot of time, sweetie.

A lot of time that you don't have.

Let's go finish up our chores, okay?

River, easy on the treats.

Can I still eat them?

Eat as many as you want. Just don't tell your mom.

Well, look who decided to show up.

Mr. Magnanimous.

Everybody's favorite uncle.

I'm onto you, bud.

Trying to curry favor with my kids by bringing 'em a damn puppy.

Come on, man. A dog is something that a dad gets his kids when it's time.

Not the wayfaring, wandering uncle who swings through,

"Hey, look what I got you," then leaves.

Who's stuck with taking care of that son of a bitch? Me.

I take exception to the wayfaring, wandering--

- Really? - Okay, heard.

- Heard? Yeah, okay. Good. - Uh-huh.

Would it help if I, you know, potty-trained him?

- You're gonna potty-train him? - A little wiggle room in the schedule.

"Wiggle room." That's it. That's the problem there.

- The chassis's too loose. - What?

Everyone's got too much wiggle room since you got here.

I'm starting to get the red ass about it.

I don't need anymore distraction right now. Okay?

Come back, Little Woody. Come back!

You know leaves are good for the soil too!

Great! Rake some!

You're a good boy.

Now stay.

Stay. Sit. No, no. No.

Little Woody.

Overplayed your hand, Harrelson.

You know Matthew likes to keep things all tight and buttoned up.

Last thing he needs is some wild, out of control, dirty dog

mucking up everything.

You just walked your own nuts right into a NutriBullet.

My nuts are just fine, Ma Mac.

Nobody can resist a dog.

I got Joy a dog early in our relationship and look at us now.

Oh, yeah. She's living the life.

Sometimes I think that that poor woman's being held against her will.

You know those movies where it's a man and a dog?

Always starts out hating the dog, but by the end of it...

Huh? Part of the family.

But you're talking Hollywood. I'm talking real life.

Dogs are just a pain in the ass. That's why they call 'em dogs.

Hey, you can't win 'em all, all right.

Don't kick yourself.

It's hard to compete against someone many are calling a low-key genius.

Well, you're standing in a big pile of dog shit, genius.

I know.

It's organic. Circle of life.

You've got an answer for everything.

You'll shut your mouth some day.

Low-key dipshit more like.

Fuck.

Flicked it up on the calf? Come on.

Showtime, motherfucker.

Ma?

I'm sorry.

I'll cry quieter.

No. What's going on, hey?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, I think you do.

You're sitting here crying pretty doggone loud.

I think you wanna talk about something. What's up?

I was going through your father's things, and I found his college jersey.

That's Dad's?

I thought the only jersey left was hanging in that high school.

Here. I want you to have it.

I want you to always remember exactly who your father is.

Of course.

Mom, this is incredible.

Yeah. Incredible.

After all these years.

What else you've been sitting on all these years, huh?

- That's a great question. - Love you.

Don't you got a dog to return?

I got the perfect frame for this in my office.

What you got cooking, lady?

Don't you worry them cute little gapped teeth about it, Wood Pecker.

What a day, huh, buddy?

First the dog, now this. Two great gifts.

No, one great gift.

You know, you lose somebody important in your life,

and you don't think you're gonna find new ways to remember them.

And then an unexpected gift like this comes in, and it's just...

It's cool, man.

- Hey, hey, hey! - I got it.

- Hey. Hey, hey. No, no. No, no! - Little Woody! I got him!

Come on, Woody, get it!

Give it up. Come on.

- You're embarrassing me. - Drop!

No, no. No!

Get it, Little Woody!

No!

Okay.

Good news is collar's still intact.

You know, the most important part of a garment is--

Wood, get that damn dog off my property now.

- Dad, Dad. - What?

You're standing in poo.

Shit. Damn it.

Dude, I'm sorry. We'll get that cleaned up right away.

- Joy! - You know what?

Maybe it's a good idea you all get outta here by Monday, huh?

Shit.

Is he talking about Little Woody or Big Woody?

Sounds like both.

This is the worst day of my life!

Hey, buddy. It's all right. We can get through this.

Okay, what is happening here?

Dad made Uncle Woody take our dog back.

- No. - McConaugheys!

Tell me what is going on?

Why are all the leaves unraked? No one's doing their chores.

I'm sorry, Dad. It's just kinda hard to focus when we're all upset about the dog.

Okay, look. That was never our dog, okay?

This is really not that big of a deal.

I wish I'd never been born!

It's like you're forcing us to give up our child for adoption.

- What? - Hey, guys,

let's watch this slideshow of some of our favorite Little Woody memories.

"Little Woody memories"?

Another turning point A fork stuck in the road

We had this fricking dog for, like, half a day!

But it's felt like I've known him forever.

Oh, geez. Okay.

Clara, River, Wyatt, we talked about this.

I was clear.

When you have the time to take the responsibility that it takes

to raise and train a dog, then we'll talk about getting another dog.

But not right now, okay?

I don't want another dog.

- I just want Little Woody. - Okay.

Took the dog back, dude. Happy now?

Where did you take him?

Absolutely not.

- Do you think that this child... - Dog.

...can go from uncertainty to a forever home,

and then back to uncertainty and then back to a home again

without psychological trauma?

Well, I-I kinda thought that dogs could just go from place to place

- and just move on with their day. - Yeah.

Am I mistaken?

Well, I'm sure in your ivory tower that's how all dogs feel.

Okay, here's the skinny. All right.

He got the dog for my family.

I didn't want it, but my family fell in love with him.

Question is, what do I need to pay you to take him home with me right now?

This is an adoption.

I know you celebrities are accustomed to buying dogs

like they're sushi rolls and felt hats.

But this is not a store, and this is not a product.

This is a family member.

How much?

$5,000.

Five grand for the dog?

Consider it a donation to Texans Against Animal Cruelty.

If you want a second chance,

it would be a very worthy organization for a donation.

Dude, I would pony up for you,

- but I left my wallet in the car. - Of course, you did.

You know what? Five grand. Run it on that card.

Okay? Great deal. Speaking of second chances...

- Guess that's the cost of fame. - Y'all hang on a second.

Lucy.

Hey. Matthew McConaughey. We met last week.

Yeah. No, I know who you are. I have a poster of you above my bed.

- Still? - Always.

Wow. Well, thank you, I think.

Listen,

I wanted to get back to you about your question you had on chapter 313.

I'd like to take another shot at helping you with your problem.

I did some digging and here's the situation.

So, the tax hike that has come since its expiration,

it's affecting a lot of people, especially in the rural areas like your mother.

Now, my advice is you can partner with local ISDs and other counties in Texas

that are thinking like you, okay?

You do that, you get a collective voice,

then you're gonna have a better chance of your representative,

who you elect in November,

hearing you when it gets back to the ballot, okay?

All right. Sorry to inconvenience you and...

Sorry about your mom.

- Thank you. - All right.

So, we own ourselves a dog?

You do not own a dog.

But you can have the privilege of living with an animal.

Whatever, man.

Come on.

It was a pleasure doing business with you.

Wow, dude, you look like a beer commercial.

Mind if I...

You do know that you are the only lunatic walking this planet

who would get his best friend's family a dog without even asking.

You know that?

Yet, at the same time, I gotta admit the results are,

well, making a lot of people happy.

Yeah. Buddy, I know you did not want this dog...

- No. - ...but they all did.

And if you will excuse a sensational metaphor,

you acted as a very honorable governor to your family.

You listened to your constituents and you made them all pretty damn happy.

That's very democratic of you, buddy.

Does that mean you don't want us to hit the road mañana?

No, not unless it's the road to the soul, brother.

- Goddamn it. - Like that one?

- You are so folksy. - You like that one?

- I love it. I mean... - You're my guy.

...I'm from Texas, but you're like a belt buckle come to life, man.

Come on.

All right. I'm gonna go grab a cold one.

All right. Get me a beer too, will you?

I was talking about an ice water bong, but I'll get you a beer.

Appreciate that.

Well, your dumbass dog trick worked, didn't it?

Ma Mac, I love you.

And I love your family.

And I just want you to know I'm gonna let this whole thing drop.

That so?

Yeah. I mean, Matthew and I are brothers.

The kind of brothers that don't need proof.

So, if you tell me there's nothing to look into,

I take you at your word and I'm just gonna let it go.

Well, fucking well.

You know, I can't promise though

that those Travis boys ain't gonna come after you.

I took care of that situation too.

They ain't gonna be a problem anymore.

You shitting me?

No.

Hey, you get no more trouble from me, all right?

Truce?

Truce.

You old thing.

- Hey. - Hey.

Order up that DNA test. We need to get some answers.

I'm on it.

Good job, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't forget you are the daughter of a low-key genius.

Oh, no. Are you fucking kidding--

What? Does this mutt have IBS?

Little Woody.

Come on.