Original subtitles

# I'm not sick, but I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

This programme contains strong language throughout and adult humour.

Hmm.

You don't have one that just says, "You are 40 years old"?

Um...we have, "Life begins at 40," or, "40 today."

No. I want one that reads...

.."Jeremy, you are 40 years old."

Do you need "old"?

I think it rounds it off nicely.

'I'm gonna make Jeremy turn 40 whether he likes it or not.'

Do you have a fax machine? A fax machine?

I know. Wilfully perverse, but I'm trying to get in touch with someone

who, for whatever reason, won't return my calls.

I'm not some oddball, though. It's not worrying.

'Good to let him know it's not worrying. He can't worry now.'

'I'm kidding myself. April's never gonna call me.'

Wow! Three nights on the go, that is...

That's major, huh?

Perfect.

'So tired, so very tired.

'Must...eat...toast.'

I'll see you, Mark.

'Of course she won't call me.

'I made the fatal error of letting her get to know me.'

Are you OK? I'm fine.

I think I might shortly die, but I'm fine. Three-day drug binge.

Ooh, your favourite! Celebration for the birthday boy?

You're not planning a party or anything, are you? No, mate.

Cos I definitely don't want a party.

Well, I'm definitely not planning one, so relax.

'You're going to have a party to remember, my elderly friend.'

Good, because I told Joe I'll be 39 tomorrow.

Why? I don't know.

40 is basically 50, and 50 is dead, whereas 39 is like 35.

35 is practically 30, 30 is 20. You know?

Not entirely.

He's 30 next year.

For a few months, theoretically, we can be in our 30s together.

I think I see. 29, 40, no.

29, 39, OK.

31, 42, no. 16, 26, better.

You're just saying numbers now, Jeremy.

'Right, I'm going to have the most horribly healthy fucking lunch

'and then do a sit-up and maybe a press-up.'

Oh, a sprout sandwich! Are you on a health kick?

I need the vitamins. Why?

I've gotta try and keep up with Joe. He's so fucking full of life.

Is this his? The Golden Fountain?

No, it's mine. It's about the beneficial properties

of our body's most magnificent product - the human vitamin drink.

Piss. Urine is packed with nutrients.

That your body was too foolish to extract at first time of asking.

Why do the Uchamojo people live to 100, Mark?

I don't know, Jeremy, because you just made them up?

Because they take the original vaccine, the watery battery, the mellow yellow.

Drinking your own piss - the golden fountain. Come on, Jez, what's next?

The chocolate factory? No!

Not the chocolate factory. That's horrible.

'He's got the book, but he'd never actually...ugh! Oh, God!'

You're not keeping it in the fridge? Best served chilled.

I need to head to work. I thought you were off today.

Emergency meeting, special project or something.

Johnson seemed very jazzed.

Oh, not with a sandwich! Not as your drink!

HE SLURPS Be quiet when you come back.

I'm gonna pull myself off and sleep for 100 years.

Fine. Goodbye, Rip Van Wankle. MARK CHUCKLES

'I'm wasted on him.

'I should be living with Graham Norton and Dorothy Parker.'

Hey, Alan. What's up, captain? What's the skinny on the dope?

Good morning, Mr Corrigan.

Mr...Corrigan?

'Do I smell corporate lube?

'Am I about to get organisationally fucked?'

Is that Baker from regional?

What...what is this, Alan?

I'm sorry, Mark. You've just stepped into the arena naked.

In a matter of seconds, wild beasts are gonna fly to your delicate areas

and tear you to shreds. Is this about the permanent markers?

Hmm? Cos I needed them at home for projects.

Ah, sorry, mate. You're getting shit-canned, Mark.

You're getting fucked by a flagpole in your tiny little vagina.

Jeff?! Yeah, I had a riffle through my old address book.

I'm in and you're out. What? But...

Can't you do anything? I'm sorry, Mark. You're contaminated.

You're the astronaut with typhoid

and I'm gonna stand well back while you're fired out of the airlock.

'No, Alan. Remember all the good times, Alan.'

So, Mr Corrigan, it has been brought to our attention that you certified

a loan to a friend of yourself,

ticking the certification boxes without adequate document checks.

This is gross negligence and we're dismissing you forthwith.

I'm sorry, which loan was this? Um, to a Mr Usborne, Jeremy.

It's come to light due to a complaint. What complaint? Who complained?

Well, Mr Usborne has been in contact to say

that he believes that the granting of this loan to him

was, um, "out of proportion with the just working of the universe".

He does not wish to be responsible for another Greece

and he's claiming mental incapacity due to the influence of the internet

reducing his attention span against his own will.

But I can get the money back. I know him.

I can get it back. I'll jam a Biro in his eye and drag him in here today.

That may be your way of operating, Mr Corrigan,

but it's certainly not ours. 'Shafted by a piss addict.'

I've cleared out your desk, mate.

Your wet wipes and your Mega Puzzler.

'I'm hung out to dry, I'm human laundry.

'Ugh, Jeff, Jerry and Johnson, a trilogy of shits.'

Jeremy... Jeremy!

Mark! I'm trying to sleep.

I just wanted to let you know that I am now going to punch you on the nose.

What? Ow! Fuck!

We don't hit. That's the rule! Or are we hitting now?

'Cold brown, no job, no woman, no jam, just cold brown.'

'OK, I redundered him, he face-ploughed me,

'we're equals-pequals.'

Oh, not still with the silent treatment.

For fuck's sake! 'I love the silent treatment.

'The cold, impervious wall.'

I didn't want you to get fired,

I just wanted my extortionate payments written off.

You were the one who sold me the ball-crushing loan in the first place.

You started it. Hmm? Eh?

'He's not luring me back in like that with a lovely, savage argument.'

Come on, let's have it out. 'Appealing, but no dice.'

'Oh, this is unbearable. I'm gonna make him come out and fight like a man,

'push it to breaking point.'

Can I have some of your milk?

'He wouldn't. Not my lovely, white milk.'

Hmm? I'll take that as a yes.

Do say when you want me to stop.

'He's milking me.'

No? I'll fill it right up, then.

'He's got his hands on my udders and he's actually milking me.'

I'll just get rid of these.

Oops! Apologies. I'll just tidy these away.

'I will prevail. He can't hurt me with his Rice Krispie blitz.

'London can take it.'

'What am I going to do now, cover him in milk and start licking him?'

DOORBELL RINGS

'I'm not going to lick him.'

PHONE CHIMES 'April!

'God love the fax and all the old ways.'

I need a bit of headspace. Molly.

She's a beast, mate.

Marmite in the marge. She's a slob.

My peppermint shower gel

just laying on its fucking side, oozing. What's that all about?

I can't live like that.

'He's never smelt of peppermint.'

Are you all right? Yeah, fine, knackered.

Three-day bender and then Mark got fired cos of me

and I couldn't sleep cos of the guilt.

Yeah. And now he's not speaking to me.

She piles her dirty socks in the basket

even though it's already overflowing and I'm like,

"What, do you think it's gonna eat 'em like the fucking Cookie Monster, love?"

'Shush, Hans, I'm trying to think about myself.'

Hang on.

Mark, did you piss in my piss? Cos this piss looks funny.

I don't mind drinking my piss but your piss, that's over the line.

I understand.

Well, thanks for calling.

Goodbye, April.

TV IS ON Are you all right, mate?

Super Hans, will you please inform your friend, Specimen A,

that I'm not talking to him. Oh, mate, not now.

It's Molly. I'm in fucking bits.

Well, likewise. April's gone back to her husband for good.

It's over. Everything's over.

I'm sorry, Mark. I'm sorry your life is ruined and it's partly my fault.

Is there a buzzing, an irritating, backstabbing sort of buzzing?

Oh, God, don't be such a wanker!

He wanted his loan written off and, well, he succeeded.

Yes! Sorry.

But he's lost a friend in the process.

Molly's Enders, I'm Corrie, Corrie till I die.

It's a sign, innit? You've gotta choose.

You can't be City and United, can you? Look, Hans, can you shut up?

Because, as we speak,

the love of my life is buying cruise tickets with her husband

on the high street with the intention of sailing away for ever

and I'd very much like to sit here

and watch a property-based reality show while she does it.

Look, mate, I can't just let you sit there feeling sorry for yourself.

Let's bloody well go and stop her.

If I wanted to stop her, the last person I'd ask for help

is the most thoughtless, selfish, venal idiot I've ever met in my life.

'He's talking to me! I win!'

Mark, I am going to help you save the day with April.

I am going to be your love butler.

Come on, let's at least go and spy in case there's something to be done, yeah?

'Hmm. I suppose it might be better than having a cry and a Cornetto.'

I haven't forgiven you, by the way.

I know, you don't have to tell me after every sentence.

I just wanted to be clear. It is clear.

Good. You just need to be ready, Mark,

ready to get April on her own and tell her how you feel.

Yeah, love's hard, mate, fucking hard, doesn't work, breaks.

But you've got to give it a go, huh?

Norwich are never gonna win the league,

but they still turn up every week, don't they, the pricks?

If you want, I could try and get in there, waggle the old cock about a bit.

As in? I don't know,

maybe try and make Angus fall in love with me, fuck him if need be.

Why does every solution you come up with involve fucking someone?

It's just an idea. Do you think they sit around in the Cabinet,

talking about sending Philip Hammond

over to fuck Hollande to sort out the euro?

Oi, Godley & Creme, they're on the move.

Ooh! Body language doesn't look great.

It does look a little testy.

Yes... He's off.

Closing time in the last chance saloon, Mark,

time to grab your nuts and splurge.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, fuck! I'm gonna do something. Be the canary.

Full fucking Delia. I don't know what you mean.

You go, girl.

This still doesn't mean I've forgiven you.

Ahh! He's so fucked.

April!

Mark? What are you doing here?

I-I just bumped into you.

Well, no, you just ran round the corner after me.

No, right, I mean, I just...

Look, could we grab a coffee for five minutes?

I've got a couple of things I need to say.

'Got the coffee, disregard the price, the price of the coffee is irrelevant.'

Thanks, Mark. No biggie. I mean, God knows how they can charge so much.

They're certainly not spending it on lampshades.

'Hello, Dad, you're living inside me now, are you?'

Yeah, so the flight's at midnight.

To Athens. Um, the ferry leaves tomorrow, all the islands except Corfu.

Oh, not Corfu, why not Corfu?

'He asked innocently.'

Cos that's where Angus had his affair.

Oh, of course, sorry, I'd forgotten.

Sorry to drag all that up again, all the resentment.

Sorry. Idiot! It's fine.

Anyway, what I wanted to say, just before you go,

and if you want me to stop, just say, but...

Yeah, I...

I basically think that you're just so funny and clever and brilliant

and I really am sorry if that makes things difficult,

but I think it's only fair

that you should know that I think we'd be great together.

I mean, I know I'm not perfect.

In fact, I'm not even probably average.

I'm a misshapen potato, an oddball.

'Feel free to disagree, April.'

I'm mean-spirited and I only really like hearing about other people's holidays

when they've been disastrous, but I...

..I really, really like you.

In fact, in all honesty, I...

..I love you.

Look, it was really weird the last time we saw each other -

you burying your wife in a pit of balls.

Ex-wife, and more hiding than burying, but point taken.

The truth is I... I do have feelings...

'Feelings!'

..and it's not all been easy with Angus.

Just had a mini row because he didn't want to spend an extra £300

on a cabin with a porthole.

If you're gonna be on a boat for three months, you want a porthole.

Course you do. Huh! Who wouldn't? PHONE CHIMES

'300 quid pissed straight out the porthole. Correct call, Angus.'

Wow!

OK, wow.

What? It's Angus, he's been having a think,

and he's not sure we should go on this cruise.

Oh. Oh, right.

'Furrow the brow, furrow the brow to hide the smile.'

Apparently, now he wants to go to Ibiza...

alone.

'Alone?'

"See you. Do what the fuck you want. Goodbye."

'I've won.

'It's like I'm Napoleon invading Moscow and the tsar's fucked off to Ibiza!

'I've conquered the whole of Russia. I've only gone and won.'

Mark, how's it going, you lovely rotter?

Everything's coming up roses.

April and I just had an overpriced coffee and did it in the toilets.

Excellent. April loves doing it in toilets.

In fact, 100% of the times we've done it, we've done it in toilets.

I can't wait to do it in a bed. It'll be amazing.

But the big news is that Angus texted to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza,

of all places, leaving the coast

clear for me to go off with his wife on the cruise.

Me and April, April and me!

Man, that is so great. I am really happy for you. You deserve that.

Look, I just wanted to say,

I-I know things have been a bit difficult between us

over the last day or so, what with the punching and the blanking,

but you're a good friend,

although I still haven't totally forgiven you...mate.

I wouldn't have expected you to...mate.

Ergh-ergh!

Urgh! MAN GROANS

HANS: Shut the fuck up.

What was that? I've done something brilliant, Mark.

MAN: Help! HANS: Shut it.

What the fuck have you done? I know it's my birthday, not yours,

but I got you a lovely present to say sorry for making you lose your job

and never paying you any rent

and for falling in love with Dobby, for everything.

Fuck!

Angus! Jesus, Angus, are you OK?

It's fine, I wanted to come.

Could I possibly get a glass of water?

They said they were gonna chop my penis off and put it into another orifice.

Oh, Angus, shush!

Bants, mad bants. They said they had a sock with a rock in it.

They made me drink urine, Mark. Human urine.

He greedily gulped from a bedside bottle

that happened to be from the golden source.

Let me go, Mark. Will you let me go? Please!

Angus, you...you must know I had nothing to do with this.

There you go, you naughty monkey. Drink it nicely this time.

Not gulpy.

Did you send the text?

Yes. I was worried Ibiza was too much. Was it too much?

What the fuck have you done, Jeremy? I've done a good one.

I've cleared the coast, the coast is clear.

The coast is not clear. We're all going to prison.

You've gone totally loopy. You kidnapped Angus.

Or did I invite an unstable oddball for a lift in Hans's van

then back to here for a snifter,

then he accidentally got locked in my room for a few hours?

It's our word against his.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

This is brilliant and it totally worked. You're back with April.

Yes, until she finds out.

I mean, what's the long-term plan? The long-term plan is sucky-fucky.

Sucky-fucky is not a long-term plan.

Look, how long's the cruise for? Months.

Chuck her phone off the boat first day, butterfingers,

then work on her, cement things. You're in pole position.

Hmm.

She does hate her phone. Exactly.

I-I think we let him go and I take the hit. No, Mark.

Sail off into the sunset and let your love butler take care of business.

Agh! Fuck it!

All right. Leave him in there for now.

Correct decision. There's always a dark side of love.

Someone's always gonna get a little bit kidnapped.

HE SIGHS, DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that? Oh, er...

Surprise.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Mark, I told you I didn't want a fucking surprise party!

I thought you were just hiding your true feelings.

When have I ever hidden my true feelings?

ANGUS GROANS

History man's getting a bit wriggly, I think he needs restringing.

Give him a poke.

I'm not giving him a poke. I'm not a fucking hired goon.

Who's on shift? Mark?

I'm not doing a shift. This is insane.

Relax. Everything's gonna be fine.

You're the British people, we're Blair and Bush.

We'll do the rendition. You just have a glass of wine

and pretend nothing's happening. DOORBELL RINGS

Right, gag him, Hans. ANGUS GROANS: No, no!

April!

'Tell her we're leaving.' Hi, Mark.

How the hell are you?

'Oh, God, she's coming in. Just act normal. Don't arouse suspicion.'

Oh, shall I do the do with the party stuff?

Oh, er, yeah.

'Don't open the door.'

Hi. Hi.

'She didn't see, she didn't see. Calm down, Mark.'

The kangaroo is tied down, sport.

'He's not a kangaroo, he's an eminent theologian.'

Hello, Jeremy. Surprise.

Come on in. Thanks for coming, but put that in the fridge if you want.

Why did you invite her? She hates me.

I stole her boyfriend. Sorry, but when I was doing the invites,

it became clear that you've betrayed everyone you've ever been close to.

I think that's why the majority declined.

Hi, Jeremy. Oh, hi, Molly.

Happy birthday...

I guess is what you're meant to say.

Go on through.

I wouldn't say we were scraping the barrel,

but, well, you've just not been great at keeping in touch.

Hey, Jez.

Look tired.

Yeah, well, I'm definitely not. So...I got you a present.

Tickets? It's your dream trip.

We leave after the party, dance till dawn, party bus to Derby, night out,

fly to Belfast, rave, get on the party boat to Bristol

- yes, it really exists -

we stay up for a week.

Stay up for a week? Oh, right, so, what, no sleeping at all?

Oh, we'll have naughties to keep us going,

but we can sleep when we're dead.

'Which will be within a week.'

OK, come in, everyone.

Happy birthday, Jeremy.

39 today.

'Second year in a row.'

Here's to Jeremy and three amazing months on the Med.

'Oh, shit! Filibuster. Don't turn.'

HE CHUCKLES Great.

Yeah, I tell you what I would like to do for Jeremy is...is filibuster.

I mean, a speech.

Oh, OK.

'Ugh! Now I've got to make a fucking speech.'

You're 40 today? Yep, apparently.

That's what the banner says. But you said you were 38 turning 39.

Did I? Yeah, maybe, I forget. Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area.

You definitely said you were turning 39, the big 3-9.

It's not a big deal, whatever.

So why lie?

I didn't, I just misspoke.

It's fine, it's just...

It's weird that you wouldn't think it's fine.

Look, Joe, I'm sorry, but the truth is I'm 40

and I don't want to go raving for a week.

I want to stay up till about one and then go to bed

and listen to my Mr Nice audiobook.

Bed at one. One isn't even the night.

It is, Joe. Look, I can't rave all day and fuck all night,

and, honestly, I don't even like drinking my own piss.

You drink your own piss? Yes, I eat cashews

and I drink my own piss and it doesn't work.

I'm never gonna be young, dumb and full of come ever again and that's that.

Fine. I get it.

I want to come with you, but I'm just scared I might die.

Maybe I'll ask Megan if she wants to come instead.

Joe... Don't go, Joe.

'Oh, I've driven him away with my horrible oldness.

'Yeah, Megan, you're 29 now, but one day you'll be, like, 56.'

Speech! ALL: Speech!

Come on, Mark, you start. Yeah.

'Here goes. Quick speech and then cruise.'

Jeremy. What can I say? A man I know very well indeed.

'That's probably as far as I can truthfully go on the endearment stakes.'

Um... He's...he's not a great man, he's not a wise man,

he's not always a good man.

'OK, where am I going?'

But he is a...

a nice man...

..up to a point...

and I...

like him.

There, I've said it, hope he's happy. GUESTS APPLAUD

APRIL: Speech, Jez.

ALL: Speech! Speech!

Um, thanks, Mark. We're, er, quite a gang, obviously,

us two - brains and the funny one,

the old, stick-up-his-arse, boring-jumper one

and the sexy, pep-up-the-party, acid-in-the-punchbowl one.

'He loves triggering mental illness.'

But we get on pretty well and we have our ups and downs, like any couple.

'Hold on. If Hans is here, who's with the hostage?

'Oh, God, I've got an unattended hostage.'

..And, er, a boring bastard sometimes, but at the end of the day,

we've lived together for shit long and it's been...

all right.

APPLAUSE 'Oh, fuck!

'Got to keep the attention.'

Er, yeah, and if I could just say one more thing, um, Jeremy, Jez, er,

please always...keep on...being you.

'Totally meaningless. I'm gonna get rumbled.'

'That is sweet. That might be the nicest thing he's ever said.'

Oi, April! Angus?

'Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!'

Mark?

Help, don't let them kill me. Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly.

HANS: We were just hanging out. It's all fine.

ANGUS: He said he was going to cut my willy off and put it into my bottom.

HANS: Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus, you've got to admit that, right?

Simon? What's going on, Mark?

This has nothing to do with Mark or Hans. It's all my doing.

It's all your doing?

Angus wanted stuff done to him, I wasn't into it, it's all pretty disgusting,

I don't wanna go into details, but it's complicated.

We'll probably never fully understand, like Stonehenge.

Mark knew. Mark saw it all. They got me outside the travel agency.

Molly. For fuck's sake!

'Who could have possibly predicted that falsely imprisoning a love rival

'would turn out so badly? Only a genius.'

April, don't go.

'A real night to remember, like the Titanic.'

Right, well, it's over with Molly.

Apparently I'm not even allowed to do a little fucking naughty kidnap,

so bollocks to it.

I'm going to van it to Macedonia, finally set up the moped rental.

Yeah? Yeah.

Laters.

See you.

Are we gonna be all right?

TV: 'The project to reintroduce wolves

into this habitat has been controversial...'

'That's the last thing I need.'

Now they're bringing back wolves.

Oh, God, I am so tired. What next?

Bring back smallpox? We all had fun with the smallpox, didn't we?

Is it time smallpox had a reboot? Mark?

Will you pull me off? I'm not about to pull you off, Jeremy.

And if you think about it, I'm sure you don't really want me to.

Sure. Whatever.

I just thought it might be comforting.

What about I read to you from Napoleon's correspondence?

If I was going to kill you,

I'd have a great sign-off. Yeah?

You always loved history, Mark, well, now you can be part of it.

Bang!

Yeah, not bad, not bad at all.

I think I'd just come at you in the night, pillow on the face, cark!

Yeah, that's you all over.

Aw, we do love each other really.

'I simply must get rid of him.'

WOLVES HOWL